Thick as Thieves

by Pineapple Skitter

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex, Original Character
Length: 2464

Three ponies [s]walk[/s] into a [s]bar[/s] castle

Three ponies tasked with robbing the castle,
Will find themselves causing an awful kerfaffle.

How will they cope, dealing with two princesses?
...and just how much could they make off of one of their dresses?

Thieves and camaraderie, is what this story's about.
How will it all end? You'll have to read to find out!

Published 2012-06-25 14:14:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-25 14:14:01 UTC

The Canterlot Job

Luna cocked her head to one side, listening intently. "Did either of you happen to hear something?"

The two guards shook their heads before responding in unison. "No princess."

"Very well then. You are dismissed."

"As you will it, princess."

Luna didn't enjoy being called "princess", but trying to order the guards not to use her title had just left them confused and embarrassed. Still, at least her day was finished and she could sleep.

The onyx alicorn hummed quietly to herself as she levitated the various trappings of princess-hood onto their respective stands, and then quickly and efficiently put on nightclothes. Celestia had chided her that such things weren't worn in this day and age, but she liked them. A thousand years without a bed made you appreciate the simple things in life. Even if the luxuriant behemoth that served as her place of rest was hardly simple.

Ten minutes or so after the room filled with gentle snores, one of the wardrobes creaked open and a broccoli-coloured head peered round the wooden door, before darting back inside. After several more minutes that weren't filled with the expected fiery wrath of a princess the head popped back out again, this time followed by the rest of the pony's body.

"Psst. I think the coast is clear!"

"I'm afraid in you I must confide
this drawer can't be opened from inside."

Bracken Enter put his hoof to his head in despair before walking silently over to the talking furniture. The dresser was a mahogany behemoth that stretched from the floor to the ceiling, with drawers large enough to hide a body in. 'It must be nice, needing something so big to store your possessions' thought the thief, and slid open the bottommost drawer.

Staring down into the black and white striped face of Hattuu, the so called "brains" of the operation, Bracken resisted the urge to snort derisively and instead let his wings flair up in frustration. The Zebra colt's monochromatic face took on a distinctly reddish hue, and he quickly uncoiled himself and clambered out from amongst the crumpled nest of dresses and nightgowns.

"Hiding in that space was possibly dumb
for now my legs are all cramped, sore or numb."

"Silly zebra foal
you should pick hiding places
more carefully, yes?"

Bracken tried not to grind his teeth any further down. Between Hattuu's incessant rhyming and Zéi's haiku he was slowly, but surely, being driven to the brink of insanity. At least they were whispering now. Bracken still couldn't believe that they had been trapped in one of the princesses' dressing rooms, and was even more uncertain as to how they'd managed to stay undetected, but they were alive and not in the dungeons or on the moon so it wasn't a total disaster so far.

While Hattuu scrambled out of the drawer and dislodged the various items of feminine clothing clinging to his wiry coat, Bracken took a moment to look over his team.

"Mmm... these chocolates
are divine! Not this one though
strawberry filling."

"What!?"

His voice rising above the hushed whispers the three ponies had so far used, Bracken spun from the zebra to stare in horror as Zéi spat out a small mess that had once been a ridiculously extravagant piece of confection and caught it with a burst of magic from his horn.

At first glance he could be mistaken for a normal unicorn, but his floor-length thin mustard-yellow moustache, mane and tale indicated that he hailed from the Misaki lands as he was fond of waxing lyrical about. Any further doubts about his ancestry would be dispelled by the horn on his forehead that spiralled round in a tight corkscrew.

"What in Celestia's name," Bracken remembered to bring his voice back to the level of a whisper, and glanced guiltily at the slumbering princess for taking his sister's name in vain, "are you doing!? If they catch us we've already committed trespass, and I'm fairly sure what you're doing is at least treason! We won't be banished, we'll be imprisoned! Unless we're banished and-"

"Wait... is this the bedchamber of the lunar princess?
Do you have any idea how much we could make off one dress..."

"Wait... so you were serious when you mentioned this was an odd looking kitchen earlier!?"

Bracken resisted the urge to scream. He'd been hired to break into the palace and the others had come as part of the job. Why couldn't the pony backing this mission have checked out the other thieves before sending them into Canterlot's most heavily guarded structure?

"Ah, praline! Very good.
I shall put some of these in
my saddlebag. Yes."

"No. No you won't! We're trying to be stealthy here! Will get the jewels we're after and then you can buy yourself whatever chocolate you wan-"

Once again, Bracken found himself interrupted. This time by an odd sound from the bed that was now behind him after he'd advanced towards Zéi. Turning, the pegasus pony spotted Hattuu with forelegs braced against the mattress and muzzle extending towards one sock-encased hoof.

The pegasus sprinted across the room and tackled the zebra before teeth could make contact.

"Clothes worn by princess would make us many bits,
No need to attack me... or have you lost your wits?"

"Oh, a nutty one
this looks fit for my palette
I think this will be-"

Bracken snapped.

"STOP IT NOW! THE TWO OF YOU TWO! BEFORE I LOSE MY TEMPER OR YOUR IDIOCY WAKES THE-"

Bracken's foreleg crammed itself down his throat in an attempt to stop the words from escaping, but the exasperated outcry was already in the air. As if in slow motion, the three intruders turned as one to the goddess incarnate who was slumbering a stone's-throw away.

They waited, breath catching in their throats, anticipating their inevitable deaths.

"No, Abby! She doesn't love you like I do!"

The princess's legs twitched and jerked the entangled sheets as if she was running, and her head flopped back and forth as if she was shaking awake.

"I was counting on you! Noooo...."

The alicorn flailed wildly, and for a moment that seemed to stretch for hours her snoring stopped and she sat bolt upright. The thieves' blood froze in their veins. Each pony frantically muttered prayers to their respective pantheons, with Bracken praying that the goddesses would be merciful when one of them found him sneaking around her boudoir.

Then came the most un-princess-like snort the three ponies had ever heard, and Luna flopped back amongst her silk bedclothes. Letting out their breaths slowly, Bracken, Hattuu and Zéi shared a look of silent agreement and noiselessly left the room, continuing on their path to the vaults.

"...are we lost again Hattuu!? Because I just know that we've passed this staircase twice already. At least twice."

"Come now, Bracken, there's no need to snap,
Zéi, would you kindly get out the map?"

Sighing at being tasked to use his awesome powers for such menial labour, the Misaki unicorn's horn lit itself with an ethereal glow, with the ghostly image of a second entwined horn flickering into existence. One of the bags on Hattuu's flank popped open, and a sheet of parchment hovered out and unrolled itself in front of the three ponies.

"Oh now the way, to me, is clear,
Instead of turning, we should have gone straight there!"

The zebra stabbed part of the map with his hoof, seemingly at random, and turned to march in the direction they'd just come from. He was stopped short by a green foreleg raised to block his path.

"NO! You've gotten us lost getting into Luna's room AND getting us out again. Time for another pony to take map-reading duty."

The two ponies glared at one another, but were abruptly startled by the map snapping shut and crammed back into Hattuu's saddlebag.

"I will guide us then!
Before this I used to be
a cartographer."

Zéi strode forward purposely, grinning smugly, while Bracken followed close behind. Hattuu brought up the rear, ranting quietly in what the pegasus could only assume was his native tongue.

"...I see why you used to be a cartographer."

Zéi snorted but said nothing.

Hattuu just grinned quietly to himself.

Bracken liked to think himself a pony of the world. He'd had his fair share of intimate encounters with members of the fairer sex, and had occasionally found himself perusing the rare shops that found their homes in back alleys and poorly-lit streets far from the main thoroughfares of Canterlot and the other main cities.

Yet he could barely name a quarter of the "implements" hanging up in the room the three ponies found themselves. There were the standard assortment of horn massagers, horn warmers, wing braces, bridles, bits and stirrups... but he hadn't a clue what use most of the devices had. Well, he perhaps had some idea.

The pegasus jumped as he heard the door behind them opened, and turned to see...

"...oh no..."

"My little ponies... what. Are. You. Doing. Here."

"M... m... my prin... prince... princess."

Bracken dropped to his knees and bowed before the alabaster alicorn. There was an edge to her voice that he'd heard in few ponies' voices, and always before they did something terrible. Usually to him.

A black and white blur caught his eye, and Bracken looked up to see Hattuu arcing from a spot he must have snuck into. Again, the colts sixth sense had saved him from the princesses. He extended a single forehoof and caught the sun-goddess hard from behind on her shoulder, before leaping backwards to land firmly on the ground beside Zéi and Bracken.

Celestia sighed, remaining stationary as if the weight of the zebra had been nothing more than a feather brushing her mane.

"Breaking into the palace carries harsh penalties, but I will spare you the worst of it if-"

Celestia's voice was abruptly cut off by the princess keeling over sideways, legs and wings splaying out in all directions. The thieves stared at Hattuu slack-jawed, and the zebra colt grinned broadly.

"Impressive, young foal
but if she is dead then you have
sent us to our doom"

Hattuu looked shocked at this flat statement, and retreated from the look of despair filling the others' faces.

"No, NO! This technique just puts them to sleep!
They lose control of their magic, collapse in a heap.

We'll see a few spells, just flashes of light,
Although I recommend instead we retreat into the night."

With the others now looking relieved at the prospect of not stranding the world in eternal darkness they made for the exit. A slight swagger crept into the zebra's haunches, as it's not every day you drop-kick a goddess into submission.

They were almost at the door when...

"Hey, did either of you just hear something?"

"As I have said, her magic will thrash,
There'll be sparkly lights and odd brighter flash!"

Reassured that the noise was nothing, Bracken continued cantering towards the door in his sights.

Then all he could see was white, and all he could hear was the roaring of water in his ears.

Finding himself prone on the floor, the pegasus pony propped himself upright and stared blearily around. The walls appeared to be... dripping? Was that molten rock!? Why was it so hot...

The place felt like the inside of the furnace, and Bracken could have sworn that his coat was smouldering places. Beside him lay the unmoving body of the zebra, filling Bracken's nostrils with the stench of burning fur, and beyond that cowered Zéi.

"Wh... a... t... hap... pe... ned!?"

His throat felt like he'd hit the salt-lick too hard, and he struggled forcing the words out.

"Stu... pid foal has un...
...unchained the pow... er of a
Living goddess. Too strong..."

"Ca....n you st...op it?"

"Will t...t...t... try
to chan...channel magic in...
...into spell... GAH-AH"

Once more Zéi's horn picked up a glow, but this time things were different. Instead of the diffuse pale blue glow that Bracken had seem before it was now a harsh, solid white. It seemed to be lengthening too, the spiral twisting and enlarging. Spectral wings twisted from the unicorn's back, the same blinding white as before, and where they met Zéi's yellow flank Bracken could see the flesh begin to bubble and shift.

Screams tore from the magician's throat, and Bracken forced his eyes away before the light blinded him or he threw up.

Across the room, the goddess of the sun was hovering several feet from the floor. She hung limply by her horn, which was hidden from view by more of the blinding white light. Ribbons of energy twisted around like miniature solar flares, occasionally scything across the room.

One split off and headed directly for the group, before suddenly coiling round towards where Zéi howled and shrieked.

"Nnng... nnng.. nnng... ah... ahh!
Sss... so... much... power... I... I...
can't... con... ahh... aahhhh!"

Zéi's voice dissolved into a single incoherent noise, and Bracken tried to shove his forelegs into his ears to block out the hoof-curling noise.

...and then, again, all Bracken could see was white.

...and then nothing.

It had been a few days since the events in Canterlot and Hattuu was currently leaning heavily against a tree. Somewhere. Zéi was lying limply across Bracken's back, complaining about the indignity of it all as loudly as he could, and the three of them were slowly making their way through some form of dense forest.

Zéi's channelling of alicorn magic had transported them someplace, according to the Misaki, within Equestria. Their wounds had been slowly healing, but their supplies had run out before Zéi was ready to walk so they were hunting for food.

Hattuu noticed something near a forehoof and yelped.

"For the problem of hunger, I have a contribution:
These flowers I've found are a perfect solution!"

Taking a brief moment to confirm that the patch was large enough to fill the bellies of three starving ponies, the zebra then greedily dug in and began munching noisily.

The three comrades leaned back, basking in the warm glow from a sunset that was still happening on time, despite their recent escape, with bellies full of delicious foliage.

Hattuu sighed contentedly, although there was something irritating him.

"I'm SURE of this plant I was told by my kinfolk...."

Hattuu stopped chewing for a moment, eyes screwing up in concentration. Then a flash of inspiration lit up his eyes, and he smiled broadly.

"Wait, now I remember! It's named poi-"

He suddenly stopped chewing, jaw going slack with horror, and the remains of vivid blue petals drifted slowly to the ground beside him.