Equestria is a Playground

by falcon4

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Alternate Universe, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Sex, Fleetfoot
Length: 5039

A record of antics centered on Fleetfoot and her friends. Now with more time travel.

(A side project to lift Writer's Block)

Hi, the name's Fleetfoot, nice to meet you. I'm sure you know me best as that Wonderbolt who won by a nose, or as that one who engaged in underhand activities with Spitfire. While those are all true, there is one thing they left out from my file regarding computers, due to legal concerns. No, you won't find any programs to hack into the Bank of Equestria here, but you will find some of my e-mails and other useful information I have collected from my pals. Let's just say its all sweet, alright?

Largely inspired and based off David Thorne's creations. You should check out his website; his stuff is hilarious! :rainbowlaugh:
Sex and Gore tags for references (Nothing explicit)
Each chapter is an independent story of its own (Unless stated)
As always, feedback is welcome.

Published 2016-08-29 02:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-27 17:59:35 UTC

Professional Wonderbolts Disregards Professionalism at the Fundamental Levels

Author's Note

This chapter was written for a quick laugh. As such, any coincidences with real life should be dealt as such. It is also my first time trying to write something like this and mimicking the style of another author, so apologies for any noobishness or parts coming off as similar to the original (I wasn't trying to rip off the original stories, but if you read his stuff before, you may see some similarities).

As always, comments are appreciated. :moustache:

Professional Wonderbolts Disregards Professionalism at the Fundamental Levels

I have met and worked with the matters of politics previously and it was dreadful in every sense of it. Most times it usually consists of ramblings for vague promises of ‘life improvement’ or saving refugees from Gryphus. And if all else fails, throw in their polls claiming how their counterpart in the Royal Democratic Party picks their noses with toothpicks while clicking away on their Blackberries for their latest Twitter update. While members of royalty show marginal signs of improvement, it’s usually the same deal for them at meetings too. It’s also the prime reason why I’m not interested in leading the Wonderbolts even if Spitfire got half of her head blown apart from a poorly constructed pipe bomb, as my brain is not programmed to handle with such complex algorithms.

Despite my status as a Wonderbolt, I still have my share of flak from everyone. Especially if it was over some shitpost I made about Prince Blueblood over the Gala incident on Facebook for a quick laugh of approval from Rarity and Spike. As I don’t bother to hide behind a fake name on the internet, it is easy for the Prince himself to single me out for his love letters and embroil them in politics. If this was the definition of tough love, then his letters certainly mean it. In fact, I would probably marry him right now if it wasn't for my acute allergies to politics at any definable level.

-

From: Blueblood
Date: Wednesday, March 11, 2015, 10:36:57 AM
To: Fleetfoot
Subject: No Subject

What kind of a Wonderbolt calls the Prince of Equestria a ‘dickweed’? For a ‘professional’ Wonderbolt, you surely are the opposite of that. I can’t believe that Auntie’s favorite flight group acts like a haggle of foul mouthed idiots. If this happened in a country like Saddle Arabia then you would have had your arse thrown in jail and quite possibly your head taken off, along with any status of the Wonderbolts you have held previously. We should have implemented laws like that to prevent retards like you from corrupting our picture in the first place.

-

From: Fleetfoot
Date: Wednesday, March 11, 2015, 01:41:47 PM
To: Blueblood
Subject: re: No Subject

Hello Blueblood,

Disregarding the fact that you have placed Rarity in the direct line of fire back at the Gala and slandering on Applejack’s food at the same time, I am actually very much in love with you as a prince despite my post on Facebook. While other rulers tend to think of themselves as benevolent or powerful or drop-dead handsome, I like to think of you as special. Kind of like a guy so madly in love with himself that he would be willing to go as far as to kissing his own portrait in a gay bar pole dance, or eating so much in one day that he's one slice of cake away from upsetting the planet's rotational axis.

Also, I thought that royalty used more formal language than ‘retard’, but doing some research into politics has made me conclude that on average, politicians and royalty in Equestria talk at the level of roughly fifth grade during debates. While I am unsure on how to determine at what grade level you are speaking in your e-mail, using an online grammar checker has revealed that you would get a 57 on a 9th grade essay paper. I recently got a new graphing calculator, and by using percentages I have calculated that you are about 984% more proficient than the average fifth grader, or politician, in that matter. I am confident that if Equestria ever gets into a diplomatic crisis, your literary skills will surely level the tables in our favor.

Regards, Fleetfoot

-

From: Blueblood
Date: Wednesday, March 11, 2015, 03:53:11 PM
To: Fleetfoot
Subject: re: re: No Subject

Keep on dreaming smart one. For someone who thinks that they are smart, you certainly wouldn’t be able to cut through butter if you were a knife. I am capable of far more sophisticated vocabulary than you can ever dream of. My point still stands however. If we should trust a window licker like you in the most professional flight team in Equestria then we might as well be using General Flash’s flight suit as diaper material. Have you even remembered the oath you signed when you signed up for the Wonderbolts, or even who you are serving for? Because if you knew, you wouldn’t be talking right now.

-

From: Fleetfoot
Date: Friday, March 11, 2015, 04:35:38 PM
To: Blueblood
Subject: re: re: re: No Subject

Dear Blueblood,

While I am certainly pleased that there are people with more advanced language proficiency than I can ever dream of, I have also read the dangers of it as well. Once, I have heard that a new Wonderbolt had the first edition of the Wonderbolts handbook fall from the bookshelf and onto his back, paralyzing from the chest down. After that incident, they completely revised the book into the second edition which removed any possible risk of paralysis, and then fine-tuned it into the third edition, which no longer needs old English and engineering dictionaries to comprehend 95% of the text. I believe the following is called ‘Syntax Destruction’, but with an accident like that, they might as well call it ‘Spinal Destruction’ to avoid becoming a Syntax Destruction itself as it gets right into the point and saves your brain from having to crunch more floating point operations than it needs.

Despite your assertions, I actually do take my task as a Wonderbolt very seriously. Especially when it involves keeping citizens or the princesses safe from cake related projectiles. While I do remember the oath I signed at joining the Wonderbolts, I am not a robot. Following that, I think we are better off questioning the logic on why we need to spend countless hours swearing our loyalty to someone whom we are already loyal to. Or not loyal to, in that matter, as an oath does not automatically change your alignment. In hindsight, the money being allocated to this could have been better off being spent on weaponizing Ponyville Elementary with Assault Rifles to fight off any incubuses emerging from the Everfree Forest.

Regards, Fleetfoot

-

From: Blueblood
Date: Friday, March 11, 2015, 05:02:26 PM
To: Fleetfoot
Subject: re: re: re: re: No Subject

You really don’t have a clue in the world in what you are talking about do you. Swearing your loyalty means that you are an official. If you betrayed that oath it means that you are a traitor and will be persecuted appropriately. If you have so much disdain for our nation’s politics then feel free to go to a repressive state like Saddle Arabia or Gryphus where they would torture you for months for committing Lèse-majesté like that. It would certainly save a lot of our tax dollars on having to raise useless wastes of air like you either way. I really want to punch you in the face.

-

From: Fleetfoot
Date: Friday, March 11, 2015, 07:22:06 PM
To: Blueblood
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: No Subject

Dear Blueblood,

Yes, betrayals are quite the pain when they happen. Especially when they didn’t take an oath, as we would then have to be forced to use common sense to carry out the sentencing. Which apparently is unacceptable at the international level.

While I have never been to a repressive regime myself I am aware of repressiveness in general. Once, Spitfire asked me to take over her office as she was going to be absent for the day. The first thing I immediately noticed was that her name tag was super-glued onto her table. As her position is usually envied by the others, I figured out that doing so would stop a potential coup d’état dead in its tracks, or at least make the table suffer with her in the case it fails. As I did not want to be mistaken for her and steal her credit, I wrote my name on some paper and used spray adhesive to cover up her name. However, this resulted in the Black Sharpie I was using to break through the paper whilst writing down my name, and unable to find any cleaning materials I smeared some black paint onto the mark, figuring that the rest would just blend in. Of course Spitfire did not take to this too kindly and dumped the remainder of the black paint onto my head when she came back. In my blinded stupor I proceeded to dunk myself into the red paint used in a construction nearby, setting our schedule back by 2 days. It took me about a week to get all the oil based paint out of my groin areas with the help of Soarin’ so it is a rather touchy subject. But at the end of the day, we learned not to fuck around with Spitfire's authority. Seriously.

Despite getting annoyed on the question of taxpayers, I understand their pain. If I realised that 40% of my income went towards a lazy slob who did nothing but eat fine cake every day, I would be pretty damn mad too. I do admit that I had to depend on welfare to sustain me for a few weeks as a con artist faked a slip and fall in the Wonderbolts Academy, which led to us being docked of our wages for that long in order to pay off the insurance companies. Feeling guilt for burdening society, I took to a routine on bathing in sand and the river to save some burden on the infrastructure and scavenging bins to ease up on the farmer’s market. Apparently this is known as subsistence, which according to Fluttershy, is good for the environment as we do not take more than we need. An added bonus to this is that everyone is so appalled by my presence that no one would ask for my autograph or anything vaguely related about bedrooms. The time saved from this can then be allocated in studying methamphetamine production at the industrial level or just staring at a blank wall to count and name the floaters you see in your eyes.

Also, as the incidence of parliament fights have been increasing due to frustration at the lack of progress and the amount of new bills being stacked on top of the ones not processed, it has been decided that even using some physical exertion gets the job done faster than arguing endlessly for it. As politics has been turning into quite the bloodsport recently, I will assume that 'punching me in the face' is not a form of euphemism.

Regards, Fleetfoot

-

From: Blueblood
Date: Friday, March 11, 2015, 08:52:41 PM
To: Fleetfoot
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: No Subject

You’re a total fucking idiot. Don’t email me ever again.

-

From: Fleetfoot
Date: Friday, March 11, 2015, 09:11:28 PM
To: Blueblood
Subject: tard

ok

-

From: Blueblood
Date: Friday, March 11, 2015, 09:39:56 PM
To: Fleetfoot
Subject: re: tard

Fuck off

Hello stranger, please give us money to tear down Applejack's Barn

Charities have always been amusing to me. While it feels great to give some of your money to those in need, the hagglers calling, e-mailing and blocking your car everyday makes this more of a pill to swallow rather than it to be an act of compassion. I don’t go to random people to block their way and demand them to give me money, and in return, they don’t kick my teeth out all over the sidewalk in a bloody mess. The following is especially true if we are talking about angry thugs or construction workers being confronted by someone collecting charity for a new private golf course to be built over Applejack’s farm.

Recently however, the incidence of cold-calling and spam emails have skyrocketed while door to door and live charity collectors have just about disappeared. My thoughts to this are that a) machines are cheaper to operate than hiring people, and b) that the medical bills of the charity collectors exceeds the amount of charity they raise in the wake of an increasingly frustrated populace. As there is another one of those ‘help us build a new private golf course’ campaign going along again, Misty Fly and I have decided to follow the standard procedure followed back in summer camp: break into their campaign office, steal the money and donate it to Save the Children instead, as the individuals running this campaign probably has enough money to build the darn thing themselves anyways.

-

From: Spoiled Rich
Date: Monday, May 25, 2015, 08:19:31 AM
To: Fleetfoot
Subject: Charity Funding

Dear Miss Fleetfoot,

We are a part of Saving Households In Townships (SHIT), and we are starting our journey in Ponyville. As the town itself is quite ‘rustic’ by our standards to say the least, we have plans to completely renovate the place to make it more appealing to the public eye. For a donation of 1500 bits, 1000 bits, or just a measly 750 bits, your efforts will help turn stale land into a completely new golf course. If you are interested in making a contribution, please click the link here. Your contribution is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely, Spoiled

-

From: Fleetfoot
Date: Monday, May 25, 2015, 11:01:34 AM
To: Spoiled Rich
Subject: re: Charity Funding

Hello Spoiled,

Thank you for the e-mail. I was just about to spend 3000 of my bits on a few chunks of soap thinly disguised as crack cocaine so your timing was impeccable.

As for your golf course, I really love golfing and would like to take part in your tournaments calculating ball trajectories. I currently own two clubs but no golf balls, but this should not be a problem as Soarin’ recently won a lottery ticket where instead of getting money, he was given a lifetime supply of golf balls instead. We have been practicing together ever since, shooting golf balls from a cloud with a clear view of Spitfire’s office and trying to knock down her cup of pens through the open window. My aim has been steadily improving recently, and just last week I knocked over both her cup of coffee and pens in one shot. Instead of breaking the window. The end result to this was that we had our pies taken away in exchange for veggie omelette MREs. Surprisingly enough, Soarin’ liked them better than the pies at first, but that quickly disappeared after a severe case of constipation that was deeper than the toilet bowl.

Also, are your courses billed by the hour or by the shots you take? If so, how much time, or how much shots will the 750 bits cover? We already own ballistic calculators and kitchen timers. We hope that after training in your course, we would be able to make assassinations look like freak golf accidents.

Regards, Fleetfoot

-

From: Spoiled Rich
Date: Monday, May 25, 2015, 12:46:53 PM
To: Fleetfoot
Subject: re: re: Charity Funding

Hello Miss Fleetfoot

No, the 750 bits goes towards the building of the golf course only. We will be posting a list of fees when the golf course opens. You are welcome to sign up and are eligible for a 10% discount with a contribution for the first three months. We do not train our golfers to become assassins so you may have to look elsewhere for that.

Sincerely, Spoiled

-

From: Fleetfoot
Date: Monday, May 25, 2015, 01:47:29 PM
To: Spoiled Rich
Subject: re: re: re: Charity Funding

Dear Spoiled,

Do I get free shipping with that discount?

Regards, Fleetfoot

-

From: Spoiled Rich
Date: Monday, May 25, 2015, 01:50:09 PM
To: Fleetfoot
Subject: re: re: re: re: Charity Funding

What are you talking about? The donation paid makes you eligible for a discount when you register at the opening of the course.

-

From: Fleetfoot
Date: Monday, May 25, 2015, 02:12:48 PM
To: Spoiled Rich
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: Charity Funding

Dear Spoiled,

I have just noticed on your website that you are about to build the golf course over Applejack’s farm. While I normally would have been a supporter of this plan due to my hatred for tractors, I am currently unable to do so right now due to time constraints. Just the other day, two charity collectors came over to Applejack and claimed that they were fundraising for a new private airport. However, they came back later that evening when Applejack said she didn’t have money to spare at the moment, and tripped on one of the landmines laid near the tractor shed. As they were still alive after the explosion and were making quite a bit of noise, we had to speed things up using a golf club and a few golf balls before throwing them into the barn cellar. The only problem now is disposing the bodies and cleaning up, as the smell has been drawing in wolves and cannibals recently, along with the problem on digging a hole large enough to fit them in. On the bright side, the explosion was dismissed as Sweetie Belle’s new chlorine bomb and the screams from the two were interpreted as a bear attack due to the overabundance of bears and overweight charity collectors in the area.

Also, if you see Applejack, please tell her that the boxes I dropped off is chlorinated bleach, and that I will be coming over later today to help her clean up with it; they have to be applied all over the barn to clean up the blood from the collectors. This way, when the forensic investigators come to spray their luminol to find blood traces, they will instead find out that the whole room is glowing blue which effectively erases their evidence. This will save a lot of our bail money and it can be allocated elsewhere, such as buying the newest Nophone or renewing our Pornhub membership. And contributing to your charity once we get rid of the bodies.

Sincerely, Fleetfoot

-

From: Spoiled Rich
Date: Monday, May 25, 2015, 07:28:24 PM
To: Fleetfoot
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: Charity Funding

Fleetfoot,

I’m not quite sure on what you are talking about, but I hope that your comment on the charity collectors wasn’t serious. I am forwarding it to the police station and Twilight as per policy though.

Sincerely, Spoiled

-

From: Fleetfoot
Date: Monday, May 25, 2015, 07:46:48 PM
To: Spoiled Rich
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Charity Funding

Dear Spoiled,

Rest assured, we would never do that to charity collectors nor will we lay landmines all over semi-public property. I can also guarantee that Twilight herself saw this email before it was sent to you. I have heard that the punishment for murder is the death penalty or jailtime in many countries including a good part of Equestria, except in the regions around Ponyville, where you are stripped naked, blindfolded and chased around town while someone whips your bottom as the others sling moldy tomatoes at you. Of course unicorns have their magic capped and pegasi have their wings bounded before this takes place, and surprisingly enough, this is also practiced as a form of ‘roleplay’. The bounded one is the ‘slave’ while the one with the whip is the ‘master’. Variations of this include replacing the blindfold with a straitjacket and latex suit, or the whip with an electric baton. And in the instances of fraud charities, both.

Also, I thought that the original goal of SHIT was to liven up Ponyville from its ‘rustic’ standards by developing ‘stale’ lots, why focus it on Applejack’s farm? You guys seem to be pretty quick to dismiss the giant empty lot just to the north of Ponyville, or the ‘rustic’ buildings of the town in general. To make yourselves more specific, you should probably amend this statement, or for every donation you receive, you send out instructions on ‘how to make your building less rustic’. Such as by putting up Star Wars posters on the outer walls and TV dishes on the roof.

Regards, Fleetfoot

-

From: Spoiled Rich
Date: Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 08:08:37 AM
To: Fleetfoot
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Charity Funding

Fleetfoot,

Our group had a unanimous vote on the location on where the golf course should be built. I'm still not quite sure what your point was, as I was not responsible for writing out the drafts of the e-mail templates to be sent out to everyone. Do you want to make arrangements for a donation on the phone instead?

-

From: Fleetfoot
Date: Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 10:47:07 AM
To: Spoiled Rich
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Charity Funding

Dear Spoiled,

I understand the dread when it comes to voting. Especially when the votes have been rigged into ones favour using bribes or extortion. I have heard somewhere that the Griffons would frequently bribe poor families with money or television sets during election time to swing the votes into their favor. Unloyal voters would be frequently found dead in the back alley trash can, because there are some things that praying just won't get you.

In regards to your donation, we will certainly be making a donation today, despite my phone line being cut off again by the cable guy. Last night, two charity collectors claiming to be raising funds for a private internet server tried to scale the property fence again before Big Mac fired off a few shots at them, scaring them away. They dropped a bag of marijuana in the process, roughly weighing about a kilogram. As we are unable to sell this in the marketplace without being able to raise suspicion, we will be sending this over to you as an act of charity. If you are still unable to sell it, please come to our barn, where we would burn the whole thing in a giant bonfire and have a good high we can all enjoy. You should come by quick, as we don't want it to draw too much attention from the charity collectors raising money for the new weed farm.

As a side note, you might want to get a mine clearing vehicle to tackle the landmines. It would just take too long to de-mine the field using mine detectors. You could be getting a good tan in that time using an overpowered UV lamp, or just standing in the sun without sunscreen.

Regards, Fleetfoot

-

From: Spoiled Rich
Date: Thursday, May 28, 2015, 02:22:55 PM
To: Fleetfoot
Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Charity Funding

Fleetfoot, I have talked with the officials in charge and we have decided to build the golf course elsewhere.

Coco in the Office: Love Letters (aka Formal Complaints) from Suri Polomare

I have a desk job in design when I’m not working for Rarity. Surprisingly enough, Suri Polomare somehow found her way into it as well, for circumstances which I’m assuming has something to do with her dressmaking business turning into a flop.

I’m not quite sure why she hates me so much, as I’m very certain that all of the other employees think that I am a pleasure to work with. My first run-in with her at work was when I bought burgers and fries for everyone, where she continuously railed me for being unprofessional with the choice of food. Naturally, the burgers were all gone by the time I was back from consulting a few people, with Suri there wiping off her mouth with an unused spreadsheet. I’m sure she would’ve eaten all the fries as well if Ms. Harshwhinny wasn’t with me when I walked in. We were always in sort of a feud ever since.

Here are a few of the complaints she has filed against me. Apparently you are supposed to have a meeting on why the complaints are happening after two offenses, be put on probation at three, and fired at five. As none of the following has happened, I am quite disappointed at everyone managing these things.

Date: 25 June 2014
Date of offense: 25 June 2014
Person Filing Complaint: Suri Polomare
Name(s) of person involved: Coco Pommel
Type: Formal
Description:
-When I came to my office this morning I found out that there were phonebook pieces stapled all over the walls of my office. When I tried to tear them off cockroaches emerged from the pages, and it took me at least two hours to get rid of all of the pages and staples from the walls, plus the holes are still there. I know it was Coco Pommel, because it was just yesterday when she told me that she will make my office both sound and nuclear proof before lecturing me about paper and cockroaches, as I told her to keep the racket down in her office. This is wasting company time and damaging company property.
Other: N/A

...

Date: 7 July 2014
Date of offense: 7 July 2014
Person Filing Complaint: Suri Polomare
Name(s) of person involved: Coco Pommel
Type: Formal
Description:
-I was on my computer today and needed to send in a picture to inquire about a power drill, only for the customer service to tell me that they don’t sell ‘machine pistols’. I realised that the original file has been replaced, and it took me twenty extra minutes for me to find the picture again on the internet. Coco Pommel even admitted in doing it, telling me that she was doing me a favor in finding a tool that bores holes better than a drill while looking more aesthetically pleasing at the same time. This is violating my personal property, as I did not give her permission to touch my computer.
Other: N/A

(For comparison,)
Original file:
New file:
...

Date: 21 July 2014
Date of offense: 21 July 2014
Person Filing Complaint: Suri Polomare
Name(s) of person involved: Coco Pommel
Type: Formal
Description:
-I brought in a jar of Nutella and a bottle of Coke this morning for lunch and put it in the refrigerator. When it was lunch time I found out that the Nutella was gone and was replaced by a jar of Cheese Whiz instead. When I went over to Coco Pommel to confront her about the matter, she told me that she locked it up in her fireproof safe and was ‘migrant proofing’ it by smothering it with pork sausages. Some of them were stapled onto her office walls as well. This is STEALING, as I did not give her permission to touch my belongings. This is also damaging company property, as she was stapling sausages onto the walls. That leaves holes.
Other: N/A

...

Date: 7 August 2014
Date of offense: 7 August 2014
Person Filing Complaint: Suri Polomare
Name(s) of person involved: Coco Pommel
Type: Formal
Description:
-Sometime today Coco Pommel snuck into my office or took remote control of my computer and changed the e-mail notification on my computer into a man screaming. She has also changed the access permissions of my computer making it unable to save documents onto the hard drive. This is a waste of company time, as it took me an hour to undo all of the changes to my computer in a system restore.
Other: N/A

...

Date: 15 August 2014
Date of offense: 15 August 2014
Person Filing Complaint: Suri Polomare
Name(s) of person involved: Coco Pommel
Type: Formal
Description:
- Coco Pommel stuck pictures of her flank onto the Justin Bieber posters I had in my office and changed the wallpaper of my computer to the same thing she did on the posters sometime last night or early today. It must have been spray adhesive as the paper from the poster tore off when I tried to remove it. Plus, she applied the spray onto my desk and computer chair, making it sticky to type and sit down. This is damaging my personal property and is also unprofessional conduct.
Other: N/A

...

Date: 10 September 2014
Date of offense: 10 September 2014
Person Filing Complaint: Suri Polomare
Name(s) of person involved: Coco Pommel
Type: Formal
Description:
-Coco Pommel moved the refrigerator from downstairs into my office door and super-glued the keyhole shut. When I finally got the fridge out of the way and opened the door I found that my office desk and computer was completely encased in bubble wrap. This is a waste of company time, as it took me about three hours to get rid of the bubble wrap and move the fridge downstairs. Coco didn’t help me when requested either, as she said that she was too busy researching about time travel to help. That is unprofessional conduct on her part also.
Other: N/A

...

Date: 17 September 2014
Date of offense: 17 September 2014
Person Filing Complaint: Suri Polomare
Name(s) of person involved: Coco Pommel
Type: Formal
Description:
-I have filed at least four complaints in the past three months about various incidents detailing Coco Pommel engaging in workplace misconduct against me, yet no action was taken on behalf of the administration. This is very unprofessional on behalf of the company, as they are not upholding the voices of the employees when it is needed the most. I request that some form of action to be taken to resolve the underlying issues at hand, or at least fix the issue with the formal complaint system.
Other: Do something, anything!