Chapters The Magical Middle Finger to Science
Chapter 2: It Can't Be True
A silence spread over the garden, almost tangible in its completeness.. It was as if nature itself A gasp escaped Twilight’s mouth, her hooves flying to cover it. “Stuck?” she whispered.
“Yep,” Jordan said, a thin smile spreading across his lips. “All because of Andy’s need to have a breakthrough in science instantly.”
“I get it!” Andy grumbled.
“Is there any chance we could teleport you back?” Celestia asked, concerned.
“Can you teleport about six hundred fifty seven light years?” Jordan asked. “I mean, you might be able to move the sun…”
“How far is a light year?” Celestia asked.
“How far light travels in a year,” Jordan explained. “A little less than six trillion miles.”
“Oh wow,” Celestia said, blinking. “I can’t do that.”
“Light doesn’t travel instantly?” Twilight asked, conjuring a notebook and quill.
Andy let out a whine and sunk to the ground. “What the…” she whimpered. “That shouldn’t be possible. Law of conservation of mass…”
“No, light doesn’t travel instantly,” Jordan said. “In fact, on Earth, it takes about eight minutes for sunlight to reach our planet.”
“That isn’t true!” Twilight said. “Celestia doesn't move the sun eight minutes before sunset!”
“That’s correct,” Celestia said.
Jordan opened his mouth to correct her before freezing. He held up the glowing bag of light Celestia gave him and looks at it. “You know what?” he asked, shaking the bag. “I’m just not gonna question it. We’re obviously not in reality anymore.”
“So I am high?” Andy asked hopefully.
“The camera doesn’t lie,” Jordan said.
“Dang it,” Andy muttered. She stood up. “So… hello, Princess Celestia. I’m Andy.” She shakily extends a hand.
Celestia smiles and shakes it. “It’s nice to meet you,” she said. “I’m sorry I don’t know how to solve your predicament.”
“It’s fine,” she said. “We’ll figure something out.”
“Whether that will be how to get home or how magic fits in with physics has yet to be debated,” Jordan muttered.
“Well I’m sorry!” Andy snapped back.
“That doesn’t change shit,” Jordan muttered, turning away from her.
Silence claimed the garden once more. Twilight cocked her head to the side in confusion. “What just happened?” she asked.
“Nothing,” Jordan replied. “At least, nothing you need to worry about.”
“Jordan, are you okay?” Andy asked.
“No,” Jordan muttered. He falls silent once again.
Celestia coughs. “Perhaps we should get you settled in the castle,” she said, smiling thinly.
“That would be nice,” Andy said, trying to change the subject.
“They’re staying in the castle?” Twilight asked.
“Where else would they go?” Celestia answered. “And besides,” she said, her voice dropping to a whisper, “We don’t know if these creatures are dangerous. It’s best to keep them where we can keep an eye on them.”
“Ah,” responded Twilight. “Are you sure we can trust them? I’ve only met Jordan once!”
“No,” Celestia responded. “I’m not. But we can’t just lock them up, can we?” Turning away from Twilight, she strode back over to Andy. “I wish I could say this under better circumstances, but welcome to Equestria,” she said.
“I do too, Princess,” Andy agreed. “You said something about staying in the castle?”
“I did,” Celestia confirmed.
“As in, that castle?” Jordan asked skeptically, pointing towards the gleaming white structure.
“The very same,” Celestia affirmed.
“Why? It’s not like we’re royalty,” Andy asked curiously.
“Actually, you kind of are,” Celestia corrected. “You’re the first of your species to ever set hoof in Equestria. You’re basically foreign dignitaries to us.”
“Well grand,” Jordan muttered. “Responsibilities.”
Andy looked over at him, frowning. What’s up with him? She thought
“And it’ll offer you protection,” Twilight said.
“From what?” Jordan asked.
“Ponies,” Celestia answered. “Ponies don’t react well to new creatures sometimes.”
“That’s true,” Twilight said. “Once, in Ponyville, there was a zebra who lived nearby in the forest. Everyone feared her, despite the fact she was just like us.”
Jordan snorted, laughing. “That’s a parallel I can’t ignore,” he said, giggling. “I guess racism is rampant everywhere.”
“Grand,” Andy muttered, looking at her dark skin.
“Anyway,” Celestia said, steering the conversation away from the uncomfortable topic, “Perhaps we should get you settled in the castle.”
“Yeah,” Twilight quickly agreed.
“Okay,” Andy said. “Thank you for letting us stay there.”
“Princess,” Jordan said, worry in his voice, “I assume there are castle staff in there?” he asked, pointing at the gleaming castle.
“Yes,” Celestia said, “Why do you ask?”
“Are they going to react badly to our presence?” he asked.
Celestia shook her head. “No, they shouldn’t,” she answered. “I’ll speak to them at the earliest convenience I can.” It was something she hadn’t thought about. The castle staff had never had to deal with something like this before. Then again, we are breaking new ground, she thought. “Yes, it’ll be fine. Shall I show you to around?”
“You may, Princess,” Andy said, standing and grabbing her bags. Jordan did as well, the two of them reaching Celestia’s height. Celestia started to walk through the garden, back to the castle.
Jordan followed, a neutral expression on his face. As he walked, he looked behind him. I’m sorry we crushed that hedge. This really is a beautiful garden, he thought, looking around at the bright, blooming buds bursting along the bushes. Birdsong floated through the plants, lending a comfortable melody to their walk. Closing his eyes, Jordan allowed himself to relax, a soft smile spreading across his face. This is amazing.
And then a strand of Celestia’s errantly waving mane brushed his face. Jordan sighed and opened his eyes, brushing the strands away. But it’s not right. No matter how beautiful it was, it wasn’t Earth. He was stuck, in a land with unfamiliar creatures, customs, and he was alone with Andy. This isn’t my home, he thought, a faint growl rising in his voice as thoughts of his home rushed uncalled for into his mind, along with a wave of sadness that brought tears to his eyes.
They continued to walk for some time, taking turns here and there. With each passing second, Jordan’s anger and sorrow grew. Each step of his fell heavier and heavier until the grass trembled when he walked by, both from the sheer force and the fear of being crushed. The two ponies noticed, but refrained from remarking on it, for fear of having him snap at them. Andy wasn’t so tactful. “Jordan?” She asked. “Are you okay?”
Jordan turned to face her, and the sorrow was replaced with cold anger. It was her fault he was stuck here. She had jumped the gun, done the teleport without a technician, and in doing so, had stranded them on this planet, far away from home, from anything he knew. “What do you think?” he whispered, his voice laced with anger.
“Jordan…” Andy said, stepping towards him. “Can you talk to me about what’s got you so mad?”
“See previous answer.”
“Jordan, it’s nice here, the ponies are sweet, what’s so bad about this?” Andy asked.
“I don’t know about you, Andy, ” he hissed, “but we’re stuck, and I have things on Earth that I care about,” he said, his voice rising in volume, causing Andy to step back from him. Jordan allowed a twisted smile to cross his face. “I don’t know if you’re dating or if you’re a little single pringle, but I have a wife. A kid. Friends. All of which I may never see again because I’m stuck here, all because of that damn stunt you pulled. So you tell me what’s wrong here, Andy.”
“Oh,” she said softly, looking down and stepping away from him.
Never… he thought vindictively. He turned to the castle. And now I’ll be stuck in a castle. A gaudy prison. A wry smile crossed his face. There’s no way the staff will react well to this. Celestia can talk and be optimistic, but some peop- ponies don’t want to hear the truth. And besides… he thought, his hand drifting to one of the outside pockets on his bags, it never hurts to have additional protection.
~~~~~
All in all, the tour went well. Jordan and Andy had been shown around the castle and met a few of the staff, and were given maps of the servant’s passageways in case they needed to hide. Jordan was feeling a bit better as he walked to his room. Sadly, he didn’t notice the wide-eyed maid standing in the hallway, staring at him with her mouth hanging open and ears pressed against her head in fear.
Author's Note
Dun dun dun!
Again, I would like to apologize for this EXTREMELY late update. Real life happened, and it sucked. I'll try not to let this happen again. Just know I'm not dead.
Anyway, what's going to happen to them now? And can anyone figure out what I'm doing with the chapter titles?
The Magical Middle Finger to Science
“What do you mean they’re gone?!”
“Both of them are nowhere to be found, and what’s more, one of the signals from a black box is gone, completely.”
"Oh no..."
"I assume both of you can guess what happened."
The two people before him rolled their eyes. “Andy.”
“Of course it was Andy,” the man muttered. “Who else would it be? Tinker Bell?”
“Quit the sarcasm, that’s my daughter who’s missing, and I’d appreciate it if you showed her some damn respect,” one of the people said, stepping forward. She was an elderly woman, with wrinkles around her eyes, not from smiling, but from constant anger, the anger of one whom is unfairly dissatisfied with their life and has been for some time. She had the look of a bird, with a hawk like nose and tight face, holding herself with what she deemed to be grace and poise, but instead gave an air of shrewd self importance, one which colored how people saw her negatively. She didn’t know, of course. In fact, she loved the way people moved out of her way, the way they whispered as she passed. She thought it was out of awe. She was sorely deluded, as most people who are self centered and egotistical are.
“Shut it, you know I care about this too,” the man growled, his gaze taking on an angry glare. “These are two of the best astronauts that we have, I’d rather not lose them.”
“Is that all she is to you?” the woman hissed, stepping up to the man. “A tool? An asset?”
“You’d know about being a tool, Mrs. Farhall,” the man replied coolly, standing his ground and meeting her glare with one of his own.
“Watch it, Darrel, ” Mrs. Farhall said softly. “You don’t know what I could do to you with my influence here.”
“I do, and that’s nothing,” Darrel responded. “You may be my senior in this position, but you have no power here anymore.”
“Stop it!” the other person shouted, panic in her voice. “My husband is gone and all you two can do is fight?! ” Much unlike the other woman in the room, this girl showed an air of kindness and compassion, which unfortunately was ridden with panic.
“I’m sorry, Isabella,” Darrel said, sighing. “I admit I’m not in my right mind right now. This is bad. ”
“No shit,” the two women said.
“What happened to them?” Isabella urged.
“They teleporte-”
“No, really?” Mrs. Farhall interrupted.
Darrel froze and took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “Martha Farhall, I swear I will have you ejected from this facility if you don’t shut it. ”
“You can try,” Martha responded.
“I will succeed ,” he hissed. “You retired years ago, you have no power here anymore,” he said, turning away from her. “Two can play this game of wills.”
“Stop!” Isabella shouted. “We have to do something, not quarrell!”
“I apologize,” Darrel replied. “Stress brings out the worst in me.”
“The same is true for me,” Martha said.
“No, stress does nothing to you,” he said, leaving Martha stuttering. “Anyway, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, they teleported at noon yesterday without the assistance of a technician.”
“Does that mean they’re…” Isabella whispered.
“No,” Darrel said, prompting a sigh of relief from both women. “By some stroke of luck, the planet had only moved about forty meters from it’s spot three days ago when Jordan first went there. It’s possible they could have survived the fall. With any other planet, they would have landed in outer space and been killed instantly.”
“What can we do to bring them back?” Isabella said. “What am I supposed to tell Parker?” It was a legitimate question. Her and Jordan’s son had been asking for days about when his father was getting back from work, expecting to be told that he had made some huge discovery. But this… this would be devastating to a young mind like his. Isabella couldn’t bring herself to tell him something like this.
“I don’t know,” Darrel said, saddened. He had met Parker and thought he was an innocent kid, not deserving of this.
“It seems fairly simple to me,” Martha callously said. “Tell the kid what happened and that they’re trying to fix the problem.”
“I’m against telling lies,” Darrel said softly. “We don’t know what to do about this.”
“Again, it seems fairly simple!” Martha scoffed. “Teleport another black box to the surface and make it use one of its fancy gadgets to let them find it!” Isabella nodded.
“Do you have any idea how expensive those things are?” Darrel said.
“Since when is monetary value more important than human life?! ” Martha shouted. Silence filled the room.
“Well, I’ll be damned,” whispered Darrel.
“What?” Martha said, irritated.
“Something intelligent actually came out of your mouth,” he said, smiling.
“There’s a reason I held the position you currently hold,” Martha said pridefully.
“How soon can we do this?” Isabella asked.
“Right now,” Darrel responded.
Author's Note
Sorry this took so long to get out and is so short. I had a lack of inspiration, and wanted to show what NASA is doing.
So yeah, there are interludes in this now.
Part of the reason this took so long is that I've started a new story! It's called The Adventures of a Tone Deaf Pony
In other news, tomorrow is the U.S. presidential election. I will cry with all of you fellow 'muricans.
~Pyrepinna
P.S.- This chapter is brought to you from thirty-six thousand feet in the air!
The Magical Middle Finger to Science
Chapter 3: That's What it Means
The maid slowly crept towards the room where she’d seen the creature disappear into, ears pressed flat against her head and tail tucked tightly between her legs. With each step she took, fear took a deeper hold in her body. It was only warranted after she’d seen that… thing.
She had only caught a glimpse of it, but that glimpse was enough to instill a primal fear within her mind strong enough to make her bolt. It had been walking with purpose, a hard-set expression on its face. In one hand, it had held a paper, which it had been intently scrutinizing as it passed. In the other, it carried a bag as large as a pony. The truly shocking thing, however, was what the creature was wearing. It was fully clothed, which was strange enough on its own, but it appeared to be wearing a jacket made of dried and dyed animal hide.
When it first passed the maid, her muscles had locked up in fear, allowing it to pass out of her field of view. After a few seconds, she had raced after it, tracking its progress through the building. She had no idea what it was, and in a world where the royal palace was a target for supernatural evils, that was a really bad sign. Eventually, however, it had disappeared into one of the guest bedrooms and hadn’t come out. And that was where the maid was fearfully creeping towards, determination in her steps and a weapon in her mane.
As the door loomed nearer, the maid began to ready her telekinesis. If the creature truly was dangerous, she would have to strike fast to subdue it before it could harm her. If she wasn’t prepared, so many things could go wrong… but before she could dwell on those thoughts, she reached the door. With a trembling hoof, she pushed the door open.
When the creature didn’t jump out, the mare let out a soft sigh of relief. The lights were turned off in the room, the ray of sun from the open door providing the only source of illumination. The maid slowly walked in, her hooves barely making any sound. She looked around the familiar layout of the room. All of the guest suites in the palace were arranged in the same way, with the bed in the center of the back wall, two windows on either side of the headrest, a large, wooden dresser along the right wall, with a door leading to a walk-in closet right next to it, another door leading to a bathroom on the left wall, and a coat stand by the door. The creature had taken full advantage of the coat hanger, having left its jacket on it. The maid let out a small gasp when she saw it. It’s leather! she thought, horrified. She wrenched her eyes away from the sight and saw that the bag it was carrying had been left upon the dresser. As for the creature itself, it had climbed into the bed and appeared to be asleep.
The maid swallowed nervously and walked up to the side of the bed, activating her magic with a pale-green glow. A similar aura surrounded the handle of the weapon hidden in her mane. Silently, the knife slid out of it’s silky sheath as the maid brought it to hover in front of her muzzle. It had been fairly simple to acquire. She had gone down to the castle kitchens and borrowed it. It was one of the larger ones they had, almost ten inches long with a serrated edge. The maid found herself thankful for her choice.
She took several deep breaths. Just one stab, she thought. Just one and this killer will no longer be a problem. The presence of the leather jacket proved the assumption that the creature was a murderer in the maid’s eyes. She closed her eyes, and with her magic, raised the knife above her head. She grimaced, preparing to plunge the blade downwards-
And froze as she felt a smooth, cold, metal circle press into her forehead. “Put the knife down and I won’t blast your brains across the wall,” a male voice whispered. The maid’s magic vanished, letting the knife drop out of the air and onto the bed. Her ears registered a chuckle, and the metal pulled away. The maid opened her eyes and squeaked as she saw the creature had sat up, a strange object in its hand and its eyes boring into hers. “Now, you had better have a good explanation for why you were trying to kill me.”
“I-I…” the maid squeaked, unable to form a full sentence through her fear. She started to back away from the creature.
“None of that,” the creature chided. “Jeez. Sunbutt wasn’t kidding when she said that ponies could react badly.”
“S-S-Sunbutt?” the maid whispered.
“Y’know, Celestia,” the creature explained.
“Oh.”
“Now, we’ll try this again,” it said. “Why were you trying to kill me?”
“B-because… you’re a killer,” the maid said, preparing to bolt.
“What gave you that idea?” the creature asked softly, looking genuinely confused.
“Leather jacket,” the maid said, more confidence in her voice. “You were wearing animal skin. ”
“Oh, that?” the creature asked, a smile spreading across his face. “That’s fake.”
“F-fake?” the maid asked.
“Yeah,” the creature answered, getting out of the bed and standing up. “Real leather is unbelievably expensive.”
“You didn’t make that?” the maid asked. “It was sold to you?”
“Mhm,” the creature said. “So basically, you tried to kill me because of a misunderstanding.”
“Well, now I feel bad,” the maid whispered.
“It’s fine,” the creature said, chuckling. “So… should we start over? Introduce ourselves? I feel like we started off on the wrong foot.”
“That would be… nice,” the maid said.
“I’ll start,” the creature said. “My name is Jordan, and before you ask, I’m a human, one of two that are on this planet. No, we’re not from Equis, and yes, I’m technically an alien.”
“Wow,” the maid murmured. “C-charmed. My name is Misty Skies.”
“Pleased to meet you, Misty,” Jordan said, extending a hand. Misty shied away from it. “What? It’s a handshake.”
“O-oh,” Misty said. She extended a hoof, and they shook briefly. “You’re an alien? How did you get here?”
“A mechanical teleporter,” Jordan answered. “And then it broke. My partner and I are stuck here now for the foreseeable future.”
“That sucks,” Misty said.
“It does,” Jordan agreed.
“So you’re sort of… explorers?” Misty asked.
“The technical term is an astronaut, but that’s basically it,” Jordan answered, turning on the lamps in the room. “What do you do?”
“I’m a maid,” Misty said. “I have been for most of my life.”
“For the royals?” Jordan asked. “That must be kinda awesome.”
“It is,” Misty said, smiling softly. “Celestia gets to know her staff pretty well. Speaking of which, Sunbutt? Really?”
“I stand by that statement,” Jordan declared. “I will not retract it, apologize for it, or regret it, because it was funny.”
“No, it was my line.” Misty said, rolling her eyes. “That was my joke and you stole it.”
“Then I am a thief and proud of it,” Jordan stated. The two stared at each other before giggling softly.
“You aren’t so bad,” Misty said.
“You’re kinda cool,” Jordan admitted. “Friends?”
“Friends,” Misty answered with a curt nod.
“I’ll say, this is the first time that a friendship involving me started off with a murder attempt,” Jordan joked.
“Sorry…” Misty said sheepishly.
“I said it was fine,” Jordan said. Misty nodded softly. An awkward silence spread between the two for some time.
“Um,” Misty said. “I… kinda have to go. I’m still on shift and need to get back to cleaning.”
“That’s fine,” Jordan said. “I have to get back to something important as well: Napping.”
Misty giggled softly and turned around, heading for the door. “See you later?” she asked.
“Yeah,” Jordan responded. “And… could you not tell Sunbutt about this?” he asked, holding up the strange, L- shaped object. “It’s kinda… really dangerous.”
“What is it?” Misty asked, stopping.
“It’s called a handgun,” he answered. “And it can be frighteningly deadly.”
“Oh…” Misty answered, paling slightly. “Yeah, I’ll keep it a secret.”
“Thanks,” Jordan said, climbing back into the bed. “Bye!”
“Bye,” Misty said, trotting away and shutting the door. Jordan let out an amused sigh and lay down. A few minutes later, he fell asleep once more, a soft smile on his lips.
Author's Note
IT'S ALIVE! THE STORY IS ALIVE! (Maniacal cackling)
So yeah, I FINALLY got around to updating this! Certainly took me long enough. I've just been SO BUSY working on a different story of mine. It's one I update WAY more frequently, so please go check it out. It's called The Adventures of a Tone Deaf Pony . I think you'll enjoy it.
But yeah, new chapter! If I screwed up grammatically, let me know in the comments! Or just leave me some feedback or a fun comment. I love getting those.
Also, for those of you who celebrate it...
~Pyrepinna
The Magical Middle Finger to Science
The Canterlot Castle groundskeeper was tidying up the garden, whistling. He loved making sure the garden was nice and pretty, and he always enjoyed when the animals ran around his hooves, comfortable with his presence. He knew this garden like he knew his special talent, and he loved to care for it. He loved everything about it, from the plants, to the animals, to the sun on his back, to the soft call of bird song that filled the air…
He loved his job like he loved his wife, and he always did the best work he could do.
A sparrow landed on his hat and started chirping happily into his ear. The groundskeeper smiled. He would listen as he continued to work, whistling-
“AIM FOR THE BUSHES!”
The scream shattered the serene quality of the garden. The groundskeeper reeled from the sudden noise. The sparrow squawked and and flew away. Animals scurried to their burrows as fast as they could, eyes wide with fear. The groundskeeper looked around frantically for what could have made that shout.
Five shapes fell into a nearby hedge, with a series of successive thumps. The groundskeeper stared at it for a moment before galloping towards the castle to get help.
Two heads popped out of the hedge, both grimacing. “Well that was painful,” Jordan gasped, wincing.
“How did we survive that?” Andy groaned, cradling her arm.
“I don’t know…” Jordan hissed. “Why did it drop us above the ground‽”
“I don’t know!” Andy replies. “The coordinates were the same…”
“Stupid…” Jordan muttered. “We should’ve had a technician! But no, we HAVE to have science! Discoveries!” He waved his arms around, letting his tongue loll out of his mouth. “Fow schtienth!”
“Shut up!” Andy yelled. “It couldn’t wait! If we could figure ou-”
“I DON’T GIVE A SHIT!” Jordan screamed back. “I don’t care if it was a wormhole or a fracture in space-time or proof of the holy lord himself! Yes, this could be huge, but when it would have taken THREE EXTRA MINUTES to get a technician, I wouldn’t care! WHY DID YOU‽” he screamed, finishing his tirade, panting and glaring at her with a livid gaze.
“Well I’m sorry!” Andy yelled back.
“Being sorry doesn’t change the fact that we just dropped out of the sky,” Jordan hissed.
Andy sighs and winces. “So… how are we gonna get out of this bush?” she asked.
“With care and finesse,” Jordan replied.
~~~~~
“So a hairless ape appeared outside of the library?” Princess Celestia calmly asked.
“Yes!” Twilight frantically replied. She had certainly seen better days. Her eyes were red and bloodshot, and stray hairs and split ends littered her mane. There were bags under her eyes, as if she had lost sleep. A manic look had set into her stare, giving her the appearance of someone who had truly gone insane.
“And said hairless ape told you that it was impossible for me to move the sun?” Celestia inquired.
“Yes!” Twilight responded. “And he told me the sun was huge and we orbited the sun and the moon was the only thing that orbited us and then he told me you were faking moving the sun and then he told me why and then he proved it and he told me WHY you were faking it and I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE!” She slowly sank to the ground, holding her head in her hooves.
Celestia sighed and put on a warm, caring smile, pulling Twilight to her side with a wing. “Twilight,” she began. “I’m glad you came to me for this. I can assure you that I do move the sun.” Twilight looked up at her. Celestia smiled and continued. “I’ve moved it for millennia, and I will continue to do so. I’m not sure what this ape to-”
The doors to the room slammed open, revealing the disgruntled and panicked groundskeeper. The noise startled both Celestia and Twilight. Twilight, in her panicked state, yelped and teleported behind Celestia’s desk, hiding. “Princess Celestia!” he shouted, eyes wide. “Something just screamed and fell out of the sky!”
“Again?” Celestia asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Yes!” the groundskeeper responded.
Sighing, Celestia stood. “Let me check it out,” she said, starting to trot out of the room.
“Princess, wait!” Twilight said, jumping out from behind the desk. “Shouldn’t you take some of the guard with you?” she asked, tilting her head in confusion. “It could be dangerous!”
“Twilight, I have the power to move the sun, ” Celestia said. “I’d like to see a pony try to hurt me.”
“At least let me come with you,” she said, trotting up to her side.
“Of course,” Celestia said, giving her an encouraging smile. Together, they begun to walk out of the castle to the gardens.
~~~~~
Andy dragged duffel bag out of the ruined hedge. “That’s the last of them,” she said, dropping it.
“That one’s mine,” Jordan replied, grabbing it. He opened it and began to dig through it. “If that fall broke my emergency 4DS, I will kill you.”
“Emergency 4DS?” Andy asked skeptically.
“For all my gaming emergencies,” he replied nonchalantly. A second later, he let out a half sob, half laugh.
“It’s broken, isn’t it,” Andy said, starting to go through her own bags.
Turning to her, Jordan pulled a cracked black box with wires spilling out of the crack out of his bag. “Andy, I want you to know that you didn’t moderately fuck up, you fucked up all the way,” he said, his face as white as a sheet.
Her face paled as well as she stared at it. “Oh fuck, ” she whispered.
The black box was one of the most important parts of the teleportation machine. It sent out a signal for the teleporter to hone onto so that they could teleport back to the original machine. It was fundamental to the teleporting process. And if it was broken…
“NASA now has NO idea where we are and can’t get us back to Earth,” Jordan whispers. “Congratu-fucking-lations.” Andy was about to reply when Jordan’s eyes widened. “Twilight?” he asked, stunned.
Twilight and Celestia walked around the corner, Celestia in the lead. Twilight stopped when she saw him. “Jordan?” she asked back. “What did you do to the hedge?”
He quickly pointed a finger at Andy. “It was her fault!” he quickly said.
“So this is the ‘Jordan’ you told me about?” Celestia asked.
“And you’re Celesia?” Jordan replied.
“I am,” she confirmed
Jordan laughed. “I would have imagined a horse who can throw the laws of the universe out the window would be more… godlike,” he said.
“I’m sorry I didn’t live up to your expectations,” Celestia evenly replied.
Andy stared at them, mouth dropping open. “W-what?” she stammered.
“Jordan, is she okay?” Twilight asked, concerned.
“Just coming to grips with the fact that there are tiny talking crayon colored ponies,” he replied uncaringly.
“I do understand that… we are not normal to you humans, correct?” Celestia asked.
“Nah, horses can’t talk on Earth,” Jordan replied.
“Am I high?” Andy whispered.
“Of course you are,” Twilight said. “This is a city on a mountain, after all.”
Jordan facepalms. “I assume that that word has a different meaning in your language?” Celestia tittered.
“Yep,” Jordan said. “She’s wondering if I slipped LSD into her food or something.”
Celestia gasped. “Oh wow,” she said.
“What’s LSD?” Twilight asked.
“A problem that hasn’t been around for over a thousand years,” Celestia responded, a grin spreading across her face. Her horn sparked to life, and a silk bag appeared. It began to glow before Celestia closed it. “So, Jordan, would you like a bag of sunshine?”
Jordan blinked before taking the bag. “Thanks,” he replied, grinning. “I don’t even care that that shouldn’t be possible. I’m keeping this, and if I ever get back to Earth, I’m SO doing that to law enforcement.”
“I’m so confused,” Twilight said.
“And let it remain that way forevermore,” Jordan said.
Andy shook her head. “Okay… this is real… I think,” she said, standing up.
“Guess what else is real, Andy,” said Jordan, waving the black box in front of her face.
“Oooooh shit, ” she said.
“May I ask what that is?” Celestia asked.
“Our ticket out of here,” Jordan said. “So basically, we’re stuck.”
Author's Note
And here we go!
Let me know if there's any errors in this!
Thanks for reading!
The Magical Middle Finger to Science
Prologue: Jordan Zusk Gets a Reality Check
“Jordan, you’re an idiot.”
Jordan Zusk’s eyes narrowed marginally, displaying his displeasure. “Whatever do you mean, Andy?” he asked, voice low. He leaned back in his work chair as he observed the other person in his office.
As he handed a pile of papers to Jordan from across his office desk, Andy Darson facepalmed. “Good God, can you not understand words?” she asked, annoyed. “I mean you’re an idiot! This report on the planet you were sent to explore is bullshit, through and through!” She let out a small, forced chuckle, leveling a glare at him. “Or should I say HORSE shit, because this report mentions tiny talking equines!”
“Yeah, so?” replied Jordan, snatching the report. “There were tiny talking ponies! That’s where I learned most of this report!”
“Tell me, Jordan, do you know what a language barrier is?” Andy asked, massaging the bridge of her nose.
Jordan didn’t reply, scowling.
A small smile graced Andy’s face. “That’s where this starts to fall apart,” she said. “You go to a planet with alien life and they just HAPPEN to speak english? Not happening, ever. Nope.”
“But…” he weakly said.
“And then there’s the matter of their cities,” continued Andy, ignoring Jordan. “Let’s read these, shall we?” She clears her throat. “Seaddle. Detrot. Las Pegasus. Baltimare. Manehatten.” She fixed him with a glare. “Fucking Manehatten.”
Jordan smiled bashfully. “It’s what they told me!” he protested.
“So we discovered an alien equine species that speaks english and made horse puns out of our cities,” Andy deadpanned.
“And nations…” he sheepishly replied.
“Are you starting to see the problem with this?” Andy asked.
“Explain my memories, Andy,” Jordan retorted.
“I will in a moment,” Andy replied. “Let me finish.”
Jordan nodded at her to continue.
“Second problem in this is that you say they have magic,” said Andy. “‘Nuff said.”
“But-”
“Jordan, are you three ?” Andy asked. “Magic isn’t real! You can’t poof something into existence or float stuff around!”
“But-” Jordan stammered, reaching into his pocket.
“No buts, next topic,” Andy said. Jordan let out a sigh of exasperation and leaned back. “They have a magical immortal princess that can stop the movement of a planet,” she deadpanned.
“Her name is Celestia, according to Twilight,” Jordan confirmed.
“You used the rotation explanation to explain the strange movement of their sun, correct?” Andy asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Yeah,” Jordan again confirmed.
“Did you get dropped on your head as a baby‽” Andy yelled, her shout echoing around the small space. “This isn’t even possible! The amount of power needed to stop and start the rotation of the planet would be UNTHINKABLE, and if they stopped the rotation, it would be absolutely catastrophic!”
“It can’t be that bad…” Jordan muttered.
“The crust of the planet flexing,” Andy said. “Oceans repeatedly flooding. Objects flying away as they keep their momentum. And if the planet was STOPPED and then it started, well, imagine the ground skipping a couple miles underneath your feet.”
“What if instead of them suddenly sto-”
“A quote from your report says that the sun’s movement was ‘like clockwork,’” Andy interrupted. “Face it, Jordan. There’s no way our executives are gonna take this. I may be your partner, but I have to stop you sometimes, especially if it’s filled with bullshit like this. You might not care about your job, but I care about mine, and this reflects on me, too.”
“Explain my memories,” Jordan said again.
“There was something in the atmosphere of that planet that made you hallucinate,” Andy stated matter-of-factly. “The probes said it was safe, but it wasn’t. So you’re going back, this time with a space suit.”
A grin spread across Jordan’s face. He started to laugh softly.
“What’s so funny?” Andy asked, annoyed.
“Oh, nothing,” Jordan chuckled. “I admit fault in my analysis of their sun’s erratic movement, but I think I can prove a lot of what I said in that report, in about two and a half minutes.”
Andy laughs. “Try it,” she said.
Jordan took his phone out of his pocket and signed in. “I so happen to have video of my time on the planet.” He opened the camera app, selected a video, and played it, showing it to her.
Twilight Sparkle sat across from the camera, eyes narrowed. “Jordan, what is that?” she asked.
“What the…”
Jordan, unseen from this camera angle, laughed. “It’s a phone, Twilight,” he answered. “I’m recording this for NASA.”
“Like a phonograph?” she asked, her suspicious expression being replaced with curiosity. “How’s it so small?”
“Not like a phonograph,” Jordan corrected. “A phone can do a WHOLE lot more than just record sound, but now, it’s recording video.”
“What’s a video?” Twilight asked, leaning towards the camera.
“It’s like a moving picture,” Jordan responded. “It’s basically recording everything you’re doing right now.”
Twilight gasped and leans forward. “Woah!” she shouted. Her horn started to glow. A notepad, quill, and inkpot appeared with a flash of light. “How doe-”
“What the hell was that‽” Jordan yelled, the camera wobbling.
“What the hell?” Andy asked as she stared at the video, eyes wide.
Jordan chuckled. “Just watch.”
“MAGIC‽”
Twilight nods. “Yeah, magic,” she said indifferently. “So? Your ‘phone’ runs on magic.”
“No, it doesn’t, it’s electric, but that’s not the point!” Jordan shouted. “Magic isn’t real!”
“Uh, yeah, it is,” Twilight said, a little miffed. “Wait, what? Electric?”
“No, don’t change the subject!” Jordan yelled. “Magic‽ Prove it!”
With a huff, Twilight stands. “Fine, I will!” she said. Her horn glowed brightly. There was a flash of color, and suddenly, the video changed to a hillside. With a grin, Twilight turned to face the camera. “Magic enough for you?”
“W-what…” Jordan stammered, looking around.
“Teleport,” Twilight explained. There was another flash, and they were back at the table in the library.
“You do understand how fake that looks, right?” Andy said.
“It happened,” Jordan assured.
“You need a machine to teleport!” Jordan yelled.
“Obviously not,” Twilight said. “But you said something that interested me much more. You said something about how your ‘phone’ was electric? How does that work?”
“Twilight, I don’t know off the top of my head,” Jordan replied. “If I had an internet connection, then I-”
“Internet?” Twilight asked, her eyes lighting up. “What’s that?”
“This might take a while,” Jordan muttered. “How about this? A question for a question. We take turns asking. Then we can BOTH find out the things we want to know.”
“That’d work…” Twilight said.
“Okay, I’m gonna kill the video,” Jordan says. “I don’t have enough space on my phone to record all this.”
“Space?”
The video ended, and Jordan put his phone away, grinning. “Does that look like I was high to you?” he asked smugly.
Staring at him, Andy tried to make sense of what she saw. It shouldn’t be possible! This flew in the face of everything she knew of science. It LOOKED real, barring the teleportation, but she couldn’t be sure. “Jordan, pull up the satellite feed for the planet,” she said. “I want to see the video stream.”
“Can do,” Jordan said, walking over to a computer. In a few seconds, he had it pulled up. The stream showed a dark planet, speckled with artificial light and with the sun behind it, shining bright light onto it. The moon was in front of the camera.
“I want to see this… erratic movement,” she said, sitting next to him.
They watched the dark planet for a while through the stream. After about thirty minutes, Andy stood up. “Is anything ever gonna happen? It looks normal to me,” she grumbled.
“Maybe I was wro-” In that moment, the screen flashed bright as light suddenly spread across Equis. The sun and moon blurred into streaks as they whipped across the sky. In just a few seconds, their position had completely flipped, with the moon now behind the planet and the sun out of sight. Jordan and Andy’s mouths dropped open as they stared at the screen, unable to believe their eyes. Eventually, Jordan turned to Andy. “What the fuck just happened?” he asked, flabbergasted.
Andy turned to him. “I’m coming with you,” she said.
“What?”
“We’re going back to that planet and I’m coming with you,” she said, standing up. “We need to figure out what just happened. That should NOT be possible.”
“No shit,” Jordan muttered. “When are we going back?”
“Right now,” she stated firmly.
“Grand,” Jordan muttered, standing up. Shutting off the computer, he grabbed a duffel bag from a shelf to his left. “You ready? I’m good.”
“You seriously have a bag packed that you can grab at a moment’s notice?” Andy asked.
“Yep,” he affirmed, slinging it over his shoulder.
“I don’t,” she said. “Give me about a half hour.”
Jordan watched as she jogged off. He sat down and brought out his phone, starting to play BB-TAN as he waited.
In total, it took about fifty minutes for Andy to get her things packed. She came back with two duffel bags. With a sigh, she dropped them. “BB-TAN?” she asked. “Really?”
“Hey, playing with balls is addicting,” he said, not looking up.
“You need to stop playing with those balls of yours,” she scolded. “You’ve been doing it more and more lately.”
“Hey, I was bored and you were taking forever!” he retorted. “And playing with balls is fun!”
“Just stop ball-busting,” she said, facepalming. “Let’s go.”
Ten minutes later, they stood in front in front of a sleek, silver machine. Jordan looked around nervously. “Shouldn’t we have a technician here?” he asked. “They know how to work this thing the best.”
“Hey, if teleportation worked back in twenty-one thirty four, then it’ll work now,” Andy replied. “And that was almost fifty years ago.”
“This is a very precise, long distance teleport!” Jordan shot back.
“And I’m telling you it’s fine!” Andy shouted back. “We don’t have time. Discoveries are waiting! New science!”
“Whoop de frickin’ do,” Jordan deadpanned. “Fine… for science.”
“For science!” Andy cheerfully replied. “The coordinates for the planet should still be in the system.”
“Set it up then,” Jordan said, walking over to stand in the center of the machine. “Just don’t take too long. God forbid that.”
Three minutes later, Andy walked over to him. “We’re set.”
“Beam us up, Scotty,” Jordan said.
“I hate you, you know that?” Andy said, massaging the bridge of her nose. The machine activated, and the two disappeared. None of them had noticed the small, blinking red light on the technician’s panel.
Author's Note
Jordan: Me.
No, just kidding. So yeah! The prologue! I'd like to thank the commenters on TSGART for pointing out the MANY flaws in the science I used, AND for giving me the idea to make this!
For those who are unaware (probably all of you) BB-TAN is a mobile app where you ricochet balls around an enclosed area to shatter blocks. It's way more addicting than it should be, and I definitely recommend it.
And as usual, tell me if you spot any flaws! I'm used to writing in present tense, and this is past tense, so if I slipped up, let me know and I'll fix it!
Thanks for checking this out!