ApplePears

by TheMajorTechie

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1240

Applejack finds a tree in Sweet Apple Acres that's unlike the rest... Namely, it grows pears. APPLEPEARS.

(Based off the image I took for the cover art, which is a box of Asian pears, AKA ApplePears).

Following a long day of applebucking, Applejack notices a tree that seems a bit... off.

A quick taste-test later, and she realizes that it's a pear tree.

Part of a series in which I write insane stories featuring the mane six.

Published 2016-08-25 22:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-03-14 02:57:16 UTC

What the hay's an ApplePear?!

Applejack strolled through the endless rows of trees on the farm, satisfied with her work for the day. Twilight had come by earlier to see if she wanted any help, but being the stubborn mare she is, Applejack refused it.

As she walked under one of the larger trees, she noticed Rainbow Dash sleeping on the branches again, and promptly bucked her off the tree.

"GET OFF MAH TREE, DASH! THEM APPLES NEED THEIR SUN!"

Rainbow grumbled to herself as she dusted off her body and took off towards the far end of the field.

Following behind, Applejack raced against Rainbow Dash, her mind set on making sure that the pegasus wouldn't touch another tree.

That is, until she noticed a certain tree, sitting in an oddly cleared area, it's ripe, green fruit glistening in the sunlight.

Huh, ah swear ah didn't see that there yesterday... she thought as she redirected her path towards the tree.

At first look, the fruit seemed to be just like the regular green apples on the farm, but that theory was quickly shattered after a quick taste-test.

"BLEH!" Applejack spat, sending tiny shreds of projectile-pear flying about.

"Pears... My worst enemy..."

Standing up on her hind legs, Applejack faced the tree with a hardened frown. This, this monstrosity of a fruit tree was a threat not only to her farm, but the hundreds of fellow apple trees laid neatly along the field.

"We meet again, pear."

She suddenly lunged towards the tree, her forelegs raised for a punch.

Except... it didn't do anything.

The moment she made contact with the tree, her fleshy front hoof simply bounced off the trunk, sending the mare tumbling forwards, landing face-first in the soft grass blanketing the field.

"AAAAARRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" She raged after swiftly picking herself up.

Applejack had gone from farmer to fierce warrior in seconds, her strong hind legs creating tremors along the ground each time she roundhouse-kicked the tree.

"WHY. WON'T. YOU. BUCKIN'... BREAK?!"

Applejack began to buck the tree instead, hoping that two legs would take the tree down much more quickly. Though instead, it resulted in her being pelted by a seemingly endless volley of apple-shaped pears.

All the while, Rainbow Dash snickered as she sat atop a nearby tree with a video camera.

Falling to the ground as she gasped for air, Applejack gave up. This pear tree was just too strong. She'd have to bring some... tools...

"BUUUUUUUUCK YYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU, FREAKIN' PEAR TREE!" Applejack shouted as she ignited the sleek chainsaw.

The tree shuddered in anticipation.

Applejack swung the chainsaw downwards, going for a cut right along the stump.

Surprisingly, nothing happened.

That is, besides another volley of pears pummeling Applejack, as well as the chainsaw's motor burning out in a coughing fit of smoke.

Rainbow Dash continued recording the scene, though now she was using a "4K Camcorder" that Pinkie had brought her a few minutes back.

Applejack recovered, and slung the flaming wreckage of a chainsaw at the tree.

"EAT FIRE!"

She proceeded to pull out a handgun, and somehow began firing without the use of fingers.

"EAT LEAD!"

The bullets ricocheted off the trunk, hitting several pear stems.

Another load of fist-sized pears hit Applejack.

Applejack threw the gun at the tree in rage, and stormed off towards Sugarcube Corner.

"But Applejack, that's my party cannon!"

"Sorry, Pinkie. But this here's now a weapon of mass pear-struction..."

The cannon was now painted a slick grey-red pinstripe, and instead of confetti and streamers, it was now loaded with gunpowder and nuclear shells.

Ah hope Twilight'll lend me a few billion bits after buying these things... Applejack thought as she checked the shell for flaws.

"Uh, Pinkie, you'd probably wanna... run."

Pinkie scampered away, opening a door in the side of the trunk of the large apple tree Rainbow Dash had slept on earlier, and swiped a new cannon from it. Silently, she shut the door, and continued on her way.

Applejack spun around to ensure that nopony else was within range, and proceeded to tie a long rope to the cannon's trigger.

Several minutes of galloping later, Applejack pulled out a radio as she hid inside an absurdly large lead-lined concrete bunker.

"Is the area cleared?" Applejack asked.

Twilight replied from the other end with a blast of static.

"Yes. All 675 ponies accounted for. You may proceed."

Applejack quickly whipped a pair of leaded sunglasses over her eyes, and pulled the trigger.

"YYYYYYYYAAAAAASSSSSSS... DOOOOOOMMMMM TO PEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRR TRRRREEEEEEE!"

From Canterlot, Twilight raised a brow at the sadistic cackle the radio began to emit.

Applejack emerged several days later in a radiation suit, and studied the landscape. All around, there was nothing but scorched ground, and mutated animals scampering about.

And a single Asian Pear Tree in the middle of it all.

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU---"

Applejack was cut off by Pinkie's hoof.

Pinkie emerged from a swirling pink portal, an obviously fake mustache hanging on her face, and a black fedora atop her head.

"Hey Apple, this here's a kids' show. Got it?!"

Applejack nodded, and Pinkie sunk back into the portal she had emerged from.

"I'm watchin' you, Apple..."

Sighing audibly, Applejack sat down under the pristine pear tree, her stomach grumbling loudly in defiance of her hatred of pears.

She glanced upwards towards the irradiated pears.

The crisp, watery goodness of some nice fruit...

She reached up, grasping a pear in her non-existent hand, and took a bite. She no longer cared that it was a pear, nor did she care that the tree was an apple imposter with all it's apple-shaped ApplePears. She wanted nothing more than some fresh fruit.

Huh, she realized, this actually tastes kinda good...

Author's Note

What... what have I written?! :twilightoops:

Hey Apple, hey, hey!

Author's Note

KNIFE!

Have a bonus chapter 'cause this fic's been at the top of my most popular list for quite a while now. :twilightsmile:

Hey Apple, hey, hey!

Applejack wiped the sticky pear juice from her muzzle, mentally gagging at what she realized that she had just eaten. She then gazed back up, squinting through the vast expanse of nuclear wasteland that was once Equestria.

"Hey Apple!" a voice suddenly yelled, "Hey!"

Startled, Applejack turned to face the source of the voice. Except there wasn't anything. Unless you count the orange with a face screaming, "HEY APPLE" at her.

"Darn radiation," the mare grumbled as she began her trek back towards her bunker, "always brings the worst outta the fruits."

"Hey Apple, I heard that you lived with oranges!" the orange said again, this time from the pony's back.

"ACK!" Applejack screeched in surprise, "Git off mah back!"

"But I thought an Apple a day keeps the doctor away!" the orange snarkily replied.

"How does that even relate to what Ah just said?"

"..."

"Exactly."

The mare continued towards her bunker, the orange still clinging to her back.

"Hey Apple," the orange began again.

"What." the mare replied, mentally debating on how bad the orange might taste.

"KNIFE!" The orange shouted again, hopping off Applejack's back.

Just as the mare gazed up, a broadsword from the hammerspace landed beside her, a disembodied hand still clutching to it.

"WHAT. THE. BUCK."

"Hey Apple!"

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF--"

"NO SWEARS!" Pinkie suddenly shouted, bursting from Applejack's mouth.

The world proceeded to crumble upon itself because the Annoying Orange made it give up on existing.