Twilight Is Immortal, Which Sucks or Something

by Caffeinated Pinkie

Rating: everyone
Tags: Other, Drama, Spike, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 2161

To absolutely no one's surprise whatsoever, Twilight finds out she's immortal. Now, if only she actually paid attention to what the Princess told her. It would save everyone a lot of time.

Twilight decided to read a book. She reads many books, but this one was special. It was a special book that she read. And what it tells her is quite a surprise to exactly no one but her. It's up to Spike, Thorax, and Pinkie to help her through these difficult times.

Of course, if she was better at listening, none of this would have ever happened and I could have saved about 2,000 words.

---
I honestly hate the kind of stories where all of Twilight's friends die.
Proofread by:
ShadoWind and SandwichHunter0 A.K.A theassassin.

A submission for the late F*** This Prompt #13.

Published 2016-08-26 01:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-26 01:40:01 UTC

I Didn't Listen!!

“Holy friendship apples! I’m immortal?!”

Spike hardly raised an eyebrow as Twilight screamed from the other room. With a small sigh, he turned a page in his book. Twilight crashed through the living room door with a crazed look on her face and dashed over to Spike. Each step she took somehow knocked an unrealistically large book off of a shelf conveniently onto her head.

“Spike! I’m immortal!”

Spike licked his claw and turned another page. “So I’ve heard,” he replied nonchalantly.

“Doesn’t that mean anything to you?! I AM, IMM—” Twilight drew her head back suddenly. “Wait, are you… reading a book?”

Spike sighed. “Yes.”

“Like an actual—page full of words and no pictures—book?”

“Yes.”

“And the words are bigger than five letters and the story contains an actual cohesive plot?”

“Yes.”

“And it doesn’t cause ponies to go insane after reading it and making them see a beautiful young filly who is the essence of perfection that none but her can compare to on a level far above even Celestia and Luna and that filly doesn’t want you to finish the book because it’ll actually bring her to life and she is afraid of coming into a world that isn’t as perfect as her own?”

Spike paused and put down the book. “Look, Twilight, are you actually going somewhere with this? Because as you can tell, I’m trying to read a book.”

Twilight scratched her head awkwardly. “Well, it’s just that I don’t think I’ve ever seen you reading anything besides comics before.”

Spike yawned and stretched out a clawed hand, pretending to examine it. “I must be turning over a new leaf.” Twilight was about to respond—probably snarkily—when the front door slammed open.

“Twilight, I heard you screaming and I came as fast as I could!” When Twilight turned her head, a look of bewilderment appeared on her face. There, standing in the doorway was Spike, brandishing a new comic book in one hand and a Rarity plush in the other.

“I- buh- wha?! How are you… but you’re also… What in the hay is going on here?”

Doorway-Spike quickly took on a look of embarrassment. “Oh, sorry. That’s Thorax! I asked him to cover for me while I got this awesome new comic. It just came out today!” He shoved the cover into Twilight’s face as Thorax undisguised behind her.

“The Rather Boring and Tedious Adventures of Mr. The…” Twilight pushed the cover back with her hoof. “That sounds ridiculously, well, ridiculous. And boring.” She looked back at the sheepish changeling. “And I thought that I told you not to disguise in the house!” The changeling in question rubbed the back of his head with a slight blush.

Spike began, “Don’t worry Twi, It’s all cool. Anyways, most of the town and I heard that you’re immortal now, what’s all that about?”

“Oh, yes; that. Well, I was reading up on alicorns because I literally have nothing better to do with my life when I’m not fighting some horrific monster or solving a friendship problem and—long story short—I found out that I don’t die of old age.”

Spike blinked. “Yeah… Wasn’t that, like, obvious or something. Didn’t Cadance or Celestia ever mention it to you?”

“Hmm…” Twilight mused as the camera panned towards the ceiling.

–[AHHHHHHHH]–

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH—” The perturbingly pink premiere party pony prominently present in Ponyville was cut off by the ever well-timed hoof of the one and only Twilight Sparkle, the same town’s prestigious librarian who everybody probably hates.

Twilight turned to glare at Pinkie. “Pinkie, why are you interrupting my flashback?”

Pinkie shrugged. “Well, I was in the area and conveniently eavesdropping on your conversation with Doorway-Spike and Not-Spike because Discord was going on and on about how much fun eavesdropping on Celestia and Fluttershy is because he could find out all kinds of information that he would not normally be privy to, so I wanted to try it out, but then my head shook and my fifth tail curl curled from the point of which all paths converge and finally my withers rumbled with a worrying degree so I knew you were about to exposition because who else in the ponies of Ponyville can exposition as hard as Twi—” Pinkie was once more suddenly silenced by a lavender hoof protruding into her mouth.

“Wow, you let her talk for a while,” Spike commented from the kitchen.

“Hoo,” Owlicious agreed.

Twilight lowered her hoof and sighed. “Listen, I’m sort of in the middle of trying to have an emotional breakdown and a flashback and I would appreciate it if you all let me continue with such an arduous task, relatively undisturbed by Ponyville’s standards.” With that the camera, once again, panned towards the ceiling.

–[Many years ago or exactly one year ago to be precise]–

“Twilight, I think you have a problem.” Princess Celestia stared down Twilight Sparkle as she spoke.

Luna chimed in. “As do I, Twilight, believe you may have a problem.”

Celestia turned to frown at Luna. “I already said that.” Luna shrank back in embarrassment and her sister glanced back at Twilight. “Ever since you moved to Ponyville, you’ve been making rash decisions without a single thought about potential consequences.”

Twilight tilted her head quizzically. “What do you mean?”

“Well, remember the Smarty Pants Fiasco? Or when you accused Cadance’s imposter without a shred of evidence? Or even when you just trotted right into Sombra’s trap in the Crystal Empire?” Twilight cringed at each event and Celestia paused. “I could go on for a long time, but there is one specific moment that I would like to… discuss with you.”

Twilight whimpered, but Celestia continued unabashed. “When I sent you a package in the mail, with explicit instructions to not read it until I arrived, what exactly went through your mind that made you open it despite my fair warning? Not only that, but you also apparently thought it would be a fantastically brilliant idea to not alert any of your friends, or even a random pony for my sake, and then you just performed the spell in the middle of your main foyer without the slightest clue as to what it does! What would have happened if some random pony off the street decided to, I don’t know, check out a book? Considering this is a public library, that seems all too likely. For all you know, that spell could kill a pony.”

“To be fair, nopony has ever checked out anything from the library in all the time I’ve lived here.”

Celestia held up a hoof. “Ah ah ah. Let me finish. Now, despite all that, what baffles me most of all is that you thought it perfectly prim and proper to leave the Elements of Harmony just sitting by the front door where the only thing between them and the next big bad is a thin sheet of unenchanted glass. Remember that thing I did? You know, where I actually cared about protecting the elements with more than just some crystallized sand? Yeah, vaults are very useful, thanks for noticing—maybe you should get one too! But, that would have probably been all fine and dandy for the time being if you didn’t cast an unknown spell, with no way to reverse it, right next to them. I think Rainbow Dash may be a bad influence on you,” Celestia finished solemnly.

Luna chimed in, “Twilight, I think you make rash decisions.” The solar princess glared at her, earning a sheepish blush.

Twilight began, “So, am I immortal or something?”

Celestia gaped in shock. “Did… Did you even hear a thing I said?”

–[Now, but quite possibly later as well]–

Spike drearily opened his eyes. He glanced around the room in confusion before realizing where he was. “I think I passed out at some point while you were talking, but did anything you just said actually have anything to do with you being immortal?”

“Well, I did ask about it,” Twilight responded simply.

“And what did Celestia say?” Thorax asked, leaning in.

Twilight rubbed her chin in thought. “Now that I think about it, I can’t actually remember. I just asked about immortality and then found myself waking up the next morning just north of the Crystal Empire with an aching head and no recollection of the night before.”

Spike sighed and smacked his face. Twilight obliviously continued. “But I fell into a vat of boiling acid the other day and I was perfectly fine except for a bit of heartburn. So, I researched alicorns and it turns out I’m immortal! I can live forever!”

Thorax considered this for a moment. “So does that mean all of your friends are going to die before you do?” Twilight’s eyes widened. “You know, because you’re immortal, but they aren't?”

Her ecstatic smile quickly turned into a despairing frown. “No…”

Pinkie walked close and placed a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. She turned to glare at the changeling. He just shrugged. Tears began to flow from the librarian's eyes as she continued. “All of my friends are going to die and I’ll have to bury each of them with my own one horn and two hooves!”

Thorax raised an eyebrow. “Actually, the morticians are probably going to bury your friends.”

Spike walked up and grabbed him by the ear. He pinched it between his claws and dragged him into the kitchen. A quiet argument ensued.

“Really? I thought we talked about this!”

“You never mentioned Twilight’s inevitable existential crisis regarding the longevity of forever compared to the short lifespan of the common pony.”

“...No, not that! You don’t just go around telling ponies that everypony they’ve ever known and loved are going to die one by one in front of their eyes.”

A long pause ensued. “Why not?”

“I need a drink.”

Twilight’s crying intensified and a cascade of tears poured onto the floor. “First Applejack is going to die because she doesn’t believe in medicine or doctors and one day she’s going to catch a cold and DIE! And then Fluttershy will die next because the cardiologist said she has atrial palpitations which she takes medication for, but her generalized anxiety just makes it worse and one day she’s going to have a heart attack! And then Pinkie is going to die because— well, actually, Pinkie is an anomaly in pretty much every sense of the word, so I couldn’t say for sure. But Rarity will die next because she doesn’t eat enough and has an dangerously low level of fat so her heart is pretty susceptible, plus she isn’t very physically fit and she puts herself in a lot of stressful situations. And against most expectations, Rainbow Dash will probably live the longest because she is really physically fit and her heart is much stronger than Fluttershy’s. She also is the only one besides Rarity who pays for health insurance and she has enough money to afford to treat her injuries as recommended by professionals. Despite her tendency to get injured at basically every opportunity she can, she will probably be able to live for the longest.”

“But me? I’m immortal! Everypony I’ve ever known and loved is going to die before my eyes!” Twilight collapsed onto the floor.

Spike stepped forward slowly. “Uh, Twilight. Princess Celestia actually said that our friends are also immortal. The Tree of Harmony keeps them alive or something as long as they are still connected to the Elements.”

Twilight blinked away tears. “I- What?”

Pinkie giggled. “Well, duh! You don’t remember her telling us that? I already planned so many birthdays for all of us!” She paused and blushed. “Uh, actually, can you forget that last part? It’s supposed to be a surprise.” She began to bounce towards the door before turning around one last time. “Also, Rainbow Dash will live the longest? Seriously?”

Twilight slowly picked herself up ignoring the last part of Pinkie’s comment. “Huh. I guess that changes things.” The dragon, changeling, and alicorn stood awkwardly around the room. After a few moments, a sudden crash cut through the stifling silence.

Rainbow Dash’s voice sounded from the corner. “Heh, oops. Sorry about the window. Again. I sort of need you… in the bar. You have got to see what Berry Punch is doing!” Twilight sighed as she shook her head at Rainbow’s antics. Spike and Thorax followed the pegasus out the front door. Twilight trotted forward in kind, but, despite everything, a small smile graced her lips.

Author's Note

Yay, I finally wrote a thing! Don't all cheer at once.

...

Ok, at least a few of you can cheer. Well, this was just a random thing I got an idea for and just decided to write on a few plane rides and stuff. It started out as an actual premise, but then I sort of got tired and it got crazy. I hope you enjoy!