Chapters The Conversion Bureau: A Boy and his Dream
Chapter 1: Mea praeterita
Chapter 1
I woke up and got out bed. I walked past my window and saw what was once a thriving human city. The city of New York. Once a hope for many, for it provided a fresh start. But now, all this view did, was that it reminded me of how humanity now was a dying race. Just ten years ago, New York was still a thriving city. But twenty years ago, we were given what was both a blessing and a curse. I don’t know how, but they came. And that is a fact. In one way, I am glad they came as they were able to do what I could not. To save humanity from its own undoing. I tried, I really did. But every time I tried to execute my plan to the full, something came up and ruined it all, forcing me to start anew. The company I started was a good step in the right direction, but not good enough to do it in one swift step. A few good investments here and there gave me enough money to get rid of any competition, but not enough to conquer the world’s economy. So I tried making business deals with other companies in similar branches, only to get backstabbed over and over again. And then when we finally had something worth selling, they come out of nowhere and do the job for me. Well the few years that we were able to sell AIs, the company got pretty rich, and received plenty of both good and bad publicity. I had this building built in the middle of New York. It did look pretty nice, but with the population rapidly declining there was nobody there to admire the feat of modern construction during its lifetime. Yeah, these have been a pretty wacky twenty years.
If I hadn’t had my own goals and wishes for humanity and if I wasn’t too good for myself I bet I’d have gone to a conversion bureau the minute they opened up. It would kinda be expected from a brony. Nevertheless, even though I am probably one of the last humans alive, I still want to preserve all that there is to preserve. I had James, my personal AI butler, catalogue and record everything there is and ever was. From history books to children’s stories. From the Louvre to that noname art gallery around the corner. When humanity does die out, I wouldn’t want it to be forgotten in the sands of time. I really am too good for my own good. Good thing James keeps me company. I think otherwise I would have gone insane. I didn’t really go out much since they opened the bureaus. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I went out for the last seven years. Most of my “buddies” were in the board of directors, but they aren’t like me, they’re not giving a damn about everything. The board of directors went one by one until I was the only residing member. Can’t say I blame them. A new start in this world? It was a dream come true, it was. Red plague hitting central Europe, crop failures three years in a row. And then there were my AIs that pretty much skyrocketed the unemployment rate. Yep, it was pretty screwed up. Well, enough self-pity and let’s get back to work then shall we? I think I’ll start with what James managed to find in the comedy books department. Oh and maybe...
“There is a lavender unicorn in the lobby asking for you, sir. How shall I proceed?” a computerized voice disrupted the silence of the room.
“A pony visitor? I don’t think I ever had one of those. New York is the second dirtiest city in the world. No pony would be able to live here with all the filth.” I commented while tying my tie. It’s a good thing I love suits, otherwise I might as well have greeted the pony naked or in pyjamas.
“Well, I don’t know if they could or could not live here, sir, but the fact remains that you do have a visitor who is coincidentally a pony. Should I direct it to your office?” James interrupted my babbling.
“Yes of course I want you to direct it..wait..why are you calling it an it when it has a gender. They’ve got names for God’s sake. I don’t think it should be referred to as it. But then again I don’t think it would be polite for you to scan its genitals so you can determine its gender. What do you think?” I pulled out the jacket that went with the suit out of my closet.
“I think you look good, sir, as always. But I also think you’re overthinking, sir.” replied James.
“Yes, you’re right. You would think a man would get relaxed after not doing much for seven years. Turns out he’s more stressed out than ever before. Life really is full of surprises.” I told him.
“I wouldn’t know, sir. Technically I was never alive to begin with and therefore I wouldn’t know anything about it. ” he replied to me.
I let out a laugh and then said “Don’t be like that James. You’re alive enough for me. Now, where is our guest?” I asked.
“Our guest in the elevator, sir. It should be arriving in exactly forty two point zero zero seconds.” he replied.
“Oh, better hurry into the office then. Good thing there’s only one wall telling them apart.” I said and rushed into my office. I wanted to look professional you see. My apartment was located right behind the elevator that lead to my office. The office itself was composed of a large C-shaped desk with six leather chairs around it and one in the middle. I sat down in the middle. I noticed one of my shoelaces was untied so I started tying it.
The lavender unicorn stepped out of the elevator admiring the music it played. She stepped into the office and saw a man in a black suit sitting in his chair looking downwards and doing something with his shoes. She cleared her throat and then started to speak “I reckon you’re John Eriksson?”
As soon as I heard that voice my mind went blank. Could it really be? Out of ten billion ponies she came to visit? I quickly finished tying my shoes, together. I slowly raised my head above the desk to see if it was really her. And wouldn’t you believe it? It was. I quickly pulled myself together to answer the question “Yes, that’s me.” She saw a man with thin stylish glasses, short dark brown hair, chestnut eyes and a zorro moustache. The surprising thing about it was that the apparent seventy-year-old man didn’t look a day over forty.
“Ohh, good, my name is-” she started introducing herself.
“Twilight Sparkle...” I interrupted her introduction.
“H-how do you know my name? Have we met before?” she asked in confusion.
“No...no, Ms. Sparkle, we have never met before. Not in the usual sense anyway. Ehm, please, take a seat. Would you perhaps be interested in something to eat or drink?” I offered.
Twilight sat in one of the four chairs around the circular desk and said “No, thank you, I wouldn’t want to be a bother.”
“Not at all, I have some raspberry tea, as well as some salad if you would care for some.”
“Well, if you insist. I’d love some raspberry tea-” she heard her belly grumble “-and maybe a salad too come to think of it.”
In a few minutes a robot came through the office doors with the salad and the tea. During that time Twilight Sparkle and I exchanged surprised looks. I mean, how in the blazes does she of all ponies come to me. I’m not an important person. I just invested my money in the right directions. It’s not like I saved humanity or something. And...wait, why is she so surprised to see me? Am I wearing my shirt backwards again? When the robot arrived with the food and drinks I took a sip of the tea before asking Twilight “So, what brings you here, Ms. Sparkle. A mare of your calibre wouldn’t come to somebody like me if it wasn’t something dire. ”
“Well, I have some important news for you, sir.”
“Alright, Ms.Sparkle-” I took another sip of tea and let out a long sigh “-let me in on it.”
“Well, as you know, you’re one of the last humans alive and isn’t openly against ponification. And well...what I am about to say might..upset you or worse...”
“Ms.Sparkle I don’t think there’s anything that can surprise me anymore. Go right ahead.”
“Well...” She took out a few papers out of her saddlebags. She then began reading from them “The Purification Spell: the single greatest piece of arcane spellcraft ever conceived by anypony in our history. Harnessing the casting power of millions upon millions of unicorns, a wave of energy would wash over the planet, refining everything the spell touched to the base elements that comprise it, and imbuing it with natural life energy. When the spell is finished, all that would remain would be a new world virtually untouched by human hands. A clean slate. Everypony would take shelter in Equestria when the spell is cast, to avoid its devastating side effects. ” she paused for a moment and then said “This is due in one month. And this is why we’ve been pushing to get the last of humanity ponified. So you can survive.”
“Tabula Rasa. Well,” I let out a laugh “I can’t say I’m surprised. If you ask me, we had it coming. If I remember right, Princess Celestia brought Equestria to Earth to sever the dimension holes that were bringing red plague to Equestria. The same holes that brought green grass to Earth after so many years. Well, as we say here on Earth - everything with a beginning also has an end. And it looks like humanity’s end is just a month away.” I started crying.
“So you will accept ponification?” Twilight asked.
“Ms.Sparkle, I’d be the happiest man on Earth. I’ve been waiting for this moment an entire lifetime.”
“A lifetime? But we’ve been here for only about 20 years. I think you can hardly call that a lifetime.”
“20 years? Oh no, I’ve been waiting for this moment a lot longer than that.”
“But how? That’s impossible. There’s no way you could have known we would be coming.”
I let out a smirk and said “Well not exactly of you coming but I knew of you being. Let me tell you a story of a boy’s journey through life and his dreams, Ms.Sparkle. It should shed some light on the matter.”
“I was born in 1994. My homeland was engulfed in war at the time. A war that resulted in the biggest genocides since World War 2. For better or worse my people won that war, and pushed the aggressor back. Thus my country gained its independence. I grew up in a world filled with hatred, greed and destruction. In school I was perhaps no better. I teased some and then I was teased. We all teased ourselves. I had my shares of fist fights as well. But something happened to me in the 7th grade. Something to this day I cannot explain. I somehow came to the conclusion that God gave me the mission to make the world a better place. From that day forth I was on a mission by God. On every few steps it was obvious I was lucky. I afforded myself a scholarship at Cambridge, England, in the computer science department. Back then it was the best career you could choose. Countless job opportunities, big salaries, the works. I loaned some money from the bank, with which I got the funds necessary to start my company. The company in whose office we sit as we speak. It dealt with new innovations and the sorts, but the biggest capital it gained was from manufacturing specialized computer parts for the militaries of the world. This allowed me to do some endeavours of my own. AIs, holograms, robots, cybernetics as we know it have all been invented in most part by the branches I was able to invest in. Soon I had enough income to drop out of the military businesses. And well, that’s all there is to it. Invest into something smart and you come out filthy rich. People loved working in my companies...I paid my workers fair and just, treated them like family, and most importantly, I cared for my customers. A service that got scarcer in the years before ponies appeared. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t the richest bastard in the world? Too good for my own pocket. But, unlike others, I didn’t want to sell my soul to the devil for an extra dollar or two. I wanted to make the world a fairer place to live in. I believe God helped me on this life journey. Or maybe, I was just plain ol’ lucky. My original plan was to buy out the entire world’s economy. With it I could easily control all of the governments of Earth. I could instate a justful dictatorship. When I went to school they always taught us that dictatorships were bad. This was only semi-true in my opinion. It was just a coincidence that most if not all the dictatorships in the world back then were all led by tyrants. I thought like this: if I could instate a dictatorship, my dictatorship, and I’m still myself by the time I do it and not some power hungry maniac, this world could be a better place. I did fail in sorts. Rather, you didn’t give me enough time to do so. But I’m happy nevertheless. You ponies gave humanity a opportunity. An opportunity to fulfill a dream. An opportunity to enter a dream world where everyone was happy, where there were no wars, serious diseases, famine, unemployment etc. a dream come true.”
I stood up and let out a few more tears before asking Twilight “Before I get to the important bit, could you perhaps send a friendship letter to Celestia, Ms.Sparkle. On my behalf?”
She spat out some of her tea in shock “Wait what?! How do you know about friendship letters?” Twilight was shockingly confused.
“I’m sorry I haven’t gotten to the point where I clarify things a bit for you, Ms.Sparkle. I promise I’ll tell you everything right after we write this letter.” I reached for my pen inside my suit, but then suddenly remembered “Could you perhaps write the letter for me, Ms.Sparkle? Ever since AIs took the scene I haven’t had to write anything by hand. They practically made my handwriting a memory of the past. The only thing left that I know how to write is my signature.” I laughed.
Twilight, still confused a bit, nodded in agreement. “Alright, shall we begin?” I asked while I sat in the seat next to her. Twilight nodded again and started writing as I spoke the contents of the letter.
Dear Princess Celestia,
You may have heard of me and/or my company, and then again you may have not. I’m not sure how the ranking and bureaucracy works in Equestria. But that is not important. I come forth to you, with this letter, to express my appreciation and gratitude on my and humanity’s behalf. You gave humanity a chance to start over in Equestria, and ask nothing in return. You made our world a better place, something I have seeked to do during my entire life. Simple words cannot describe how happy I was when I heard you would make the Earth green again. The only words that can come out of my mouth are: Thank you.
Your most grateful follower, John Eriksson
I took a pen out of my suit and put my signature right next to my name. And the remembered something.
“Ohh and add.”
P.S.
To Princess Luna,
I put the curse of a thousand hugs upon thee.
Your biggest fan, John Eriksson
Again I put my signature next to my name. Twilight puts the letter into one of her saddlebags and then turns at me with a very confused facial expression.
“So, Ms. Sparkle, as promised, I’ll tell you my secret. How I knew what friendship letters are, how I knew your name even though we never met and how I knew that your kind was coming...the answer is very simple, really. ” I said as I put my pen back into my suit. I stood up walked up to the window and then started looking again into the barren cityscape.
I put my hands behind my back and said “I am a brony, Ms.Sparkle.”
“No, you’re still human, sir.” Twilight corrected me as she probably had heard pony instead of brony.
“No, not a pony, Ms.Sparkle. A brony. A male individual above the age of 6 who watched the show My little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I think this could clarify a few things. James. Initiate program P0N3-H4RD.”
A few lights flickered and then the windows in front of me turned into screens that were showing several scenes from several episodes of MLP:FiM. I touched the window showing scenes from the very first episode. It started playing across all 6 windows in front of me. 9 by 22 feet worth of full HD. Twilight approached the screen in amazement.
“Ho...how? This is me. And my friends! Wait is that? Princess Candence’s wedding? How is this even possible? I don’t understand...” she was stunned. I looked at her for a moment then set my eyes back on the screen.
“A long time ago this show aired on our TV sets and computer streams. I’m guessing Lauren Faust had some insight into your world and then just copied what she saw in it onto paper and turned it into a TV show. Made a good buck of it too. Twilight, because of you and your friends many people started viewing life in a more cheerful manner. They started learning the values of friendship and your adventures and mishaps around Equestria made people enjoy life once more. For some it even meant the line between life and death.” I said to her.
“H-how many were you?” she inquired further.
“I never found out, but people said we counted by the millions. It’s a strange thing really that this world went downhill. I guess no matter how many we were it was still not enough. Luckily, as I said countless times before, you came along. And that’s all that matters now.” I paused for a moment.
“There was also this myth back in 2012 that the world was going to end on the 21st of December 2012. Some of us bronies thought that what the Mayans thought as the apocalypse was actually when Equestria would surface on our world. Well, we all know how that came out. Nevertheless, as the date went by and you have not shown, a few years later I had hired a team of genetic scientists to create the formula now known as the Ponification Serum. They managed to make the base for the one we use now. It wasn’t until you at last came and used your magic on it to complete it.“ I said before Twilight wanted to ask me something.
“So you’ve met the Princesses then?” she inquired.
“Sadly, no. I was on an important meeting at the time and was unable to attend. However, as you probably know, I gave the serum free of charge. Hmph. Maybe I did help save humanity after all.” I let out a laugh and then continued on “Alright James. Turn it off.” The screen turned off and it was a normal window once more.
“Ms. Sparkle? Before we continue with our meeting may I ask you something?” I inquired.
She nodded in agreement, still amazed by the things I had shown.
“Ms. Sparkle, may I have the honor of calling you Twilight?”
Twilight looked at me oddly and then giggled a bit while saying “Of course, Mr.Er-”
“If I can call you Twilight, Twilight, then rest assured that you don’t need to call me Mr.Eriksson. It would be an honor if you would call me Erik.” I smiled at the lavender pony.
She became puzzled once more as she knew my first name was John and not Erik. “Erik? I thought your first name was John?”
“Yes, indeed it is. I changed it when I finished Cambridge. Mainly because my last name sounded funny in English. But I still prefer being called Erik over John.”
Twilight smiled and said “Ok, Erik.”
“Twilight, are you still in all that checklist of a checklist of a checklist business?” I asked her wondering if she changed a bit since the show ended.
“Of course I still do my checklist of a checklist of a checklist? How else would I know how to make my checklist of a checklist of a checklist of a checklist?” she answered with a counter-question.
“Well knowing you, I think you should check that checklist.” I raised my left sleeve so that my wrist watch could be visible and tapped on it a few times, so that Twilight can get the right idea.
“You wouldn’t like to be late somewhere, would you?”
“Oh my gosh! You’re right! I’ll be late for my appointment with Fluttershy in Los Alicorn.” she panicked.
“Los Alicorn? How would you go all the way to Los Angeles and back to Equestria in a month’s time?” I was bewized.
“Celestia had tasked one of her flying carriages to accommodate me. The two pegasi guards are going to be furious if I’m late!”
“How fast would you be in Los Angeles?”
“In about two to four days.”
“Well since it is my fault you’re going to be late, how about I make it up to you by flying you all the way over to Los Angeles in a few hours?”
“A few hours?! That would be awesome! I could reschedule all of my thing sooner and have everything done by the end of the week! Oh thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!” she hopped around me. Naturally I laughed.
“You go downstairs, Twilight and let the pegasi know they can go back to Canterlot. Let me lock up the place. I’ll meet you down once I’m finished.” I smiled, she nodded and took the elevator immediately.
“James, prepare the limousine and the jet at JFK. How much fuel does the jet have?” I asked my AI butler.
“Enough to get you to your destination, sir. Furthermore, if you wish to travel further, you own several reservoirs of hydrogen at LAX , which would fill up the jet enough to travel all the way to Europe and back and still have some leftovers. This is of course if you took the shortest route to Europe.” the computerized voice replied.
“Thank you James. I’ll see you in the limo, then.”
“Do you wish me to commence program FS-NYNY and follow its intended route?” he inquired.
“Yes James. That would be quite nice.” I smiled at the speaker located in one of the room’s corners. I took one last glimpse at the city of New York from my office. I rotated the chairs back into their original positions and then took the elevator to the lobby.
I exited the elevator and saw Twilight talk to the two pegasi guards. They nodded and flew into the sky, probably headed for Canterlot. When I came to the exit, I turned around and made a last glimpse at the logo of my company. A big blue double-sided E encircled with the name of the company. Eriksson Enterprises. And underneath the logo and name was the motto of the company “Audentes fortuna iuvat” meaning “Fortune favours the bold”. I looked at the huge lobby one last time and then exited the 86-story skyscraper.
“How do we get to the airport, Erik” asked the lavender pony.
“James should be arriving with the car shortly.” I replied.
“I thought he was a computer and that they’re pretty stationary.” she inquired further.
“James is special. He has 3 satellites under direct control and with them he can download himself into any computer he has access to. And nowadays, well rather 30 years ago, all cars started to come with high tech computer systems installed into them for the convenience of the users.” I answered. Shortly after the Lincoln Town Car Stretch Limousine park in front of the two. I opened the rear door for Twilight. “After you, milady.” She giggled and entered the car. I followed her in and closed the door behind me.
The car drove from Manhattanville, where the skyscraper was located, to Central Park, which was now a large slab of concrete filled with dried-out fountains and the occasional plastic tree. Erik reminded himself how beautiful it would be that Central Park would be green once more, just like it was 60 years ago. The car then continued towards Times Square, a place once filled with people, now desolate like the rest of the city. The car drove on to the Empire State Building, begging to be shown in the light once more. We drove around the peninsula and, on the way towards the United Nations, we saw the oldest suspension bridge in the now former United States of America - The Brooklyn Bridge. Shortly after we arrived at the United Nations. Once a marvel of humanity, now a crumbling artifact of the past. We crossed the 59th Street Bridge and went directly to JFK International Airport from there. We arrived at the airport approximately 40 minutes after we’ve left. The car stopped at the main entrance when James asked me “How should I proceed, sir? The transportation system within the airport seems to be out of function. Do I have permission to perform some illegal actions in order for us to reach the plane?”
“Yes James. You may proceed.” The car started moving again.
“A plane? I thought you went out of gas about 15 years ago.” Twilight asked.
“We did. That’s why my plane uses hydrogen for fuel. A lot more environmentally friendly and more reliable. But the creation of hydrogen is what it made an unpopular choice, because creating hydrogen is a expensive thing and it can blow up easily.” I explained.
The car hit a bump in the road and made a clinking sound come from a compartment.
I was curious so I opened it. And to my surprise I found several bottles of apple cider in it.
“James, when did I stock the limo with apple cider?” I asked my AI butler.
“When beer started tasting like it was rubber, sir.” he replied.
“Well, a bottle can’t hurt now, can it? Would you like one, Twilight?” I asked the lavender unicorn.
“Ohh, don’t mind if I do. I just hope it’s nearly as good as Applejack’s Cider.” she replied.
“I doubt it. But it’s the nearest thing to it in my world.” I opened up two bottles and handed one to Twilight who lifted it up with her magic. “Heh.”
“What is it, Erik?”
“I would have never thought that I would experience magic for the first time on a bottle of apple cider.” I bursted into laughter. “Cheers!” I took several gulps of cider, before focusing my attention to Twilight who yet again seemed puzzled and yet sad about something.
“What is it Twilight?” I asked her.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was your first time experiencing magic. I kinda’ ruined the memory of it, didn’t I?” Twilight said slightly regretful.
“Twilight...it’s not your fault. I’ve been practically locked up in that office for the last 2 years, preparing myself for this day, unknowingly. I never had a pony visitor before you. So I couldn’t experience anything related to ponykind. And-” I lifted her chin up “-I’m glad that’s changed.” and gave her a hug. She felt so warm, fluffy...and huggable. After a time I released her from my hugging clutches and said “better drink up Twilight. We’re almost at the plane.”
A few moments later we arrived at the hangar where the plane was conveniently parked so it could take off almost immediately. The car stopped and I said “Good job, James. Another perfect parking.” I got out first, waiting for Twilight to get out of the car. I once more felt the soft wind in my hair. In front of me was my own jet, which had Luna’s cutie mark painted on its tail. After Twilight got out I closed the door of the limo and went up to the plane.
“Is that-” Twilight started asking.
“Yes. Yes it is.” I replied before she could finish the question.
James lowered the stairs so we could climb in. After Twilight had entered I closed the door and put her into the sofa, where she would be most comfortable.
“Alright James, fire her up!” I yelled.
“I can hear you perfectly, sir. There is no need for shouting.” James said.
“I know, but I always wanted to do that. Makes me feel like a captain of a starship.” I let out a laugh. I then walked over to the chair opposite of Twilight and put on my seatbelt. When she saw me do this she buckled hers as well. I soon heard the engines warm up. Unlike when I was just a boy of 6 when I first went on an air trip, the engines on the hydrogen jets were a lot quieter. You could probably stand right next to them and not have your ears blown out.The plane was soon moving on to the runway. James handled pretty much every vehicle flawlessly. Considering the runway had not been maintained for a decade or more it was in quite good shape. The plane was soon speeding up and was soon in the air. While we were slowly climbing I heard Twilight shriek in pain. I immediately unbuckled myself and went towards her.
“Twilight! What’s wrong?” I asked while holding her shoulder.
“My ears! They hurt!” she yelled in pain.
I sat next to her and told her “Put your head on my hip, and swallow as much as possible. It’s the sudden air pressure difference. Everything is going to be ok.” I gently combed her hair with my fingers so she would calm down. I forgot that on your first plane trip you have to experience such pain. I remember when i was just six that the pain was unbearable. Luckily, the next time I was on a plane it didn’t happen, as well as the other 2000 trips I went to by plane. You get used to it I guess. “Don’t worry Twilight, the pain is going to go away soon, by itself.”
I decided to ask James how much longer until we reach Los Angeles, or Los Alicorn as they call it now. “James, what’s the ETA for Los Angeles?”
“Four hours at the current speed, sir. Would you like to take a look to your right, sir?”
“Ohh I almost forgot, the final stage of program FS-NYNY. Ehm, can you stop the program James? I think we’ll be returning here some time during our adventure, so to say. But do be so kind as to play the song, will you?”
“Yes sir.” James answered.
I looked through the right window and saw lady Liberty still standing tall and proud. I saluted her.
Soon the song “New York, New York” by Frank Sinatra went through the speakers. ”Goodnight, the city that never slept.” I said to the city.
After a few minutes on the same altitude, her pain stopped. She had a thankful look in her eyes. “You might want to take some rest Twilight. You’ve had a long day behind you, and I believe you wouldn’t want Fluttershy see you in such a tired condition.” she nodded and fell asleep in my lap.
“James be mindful of flying pegasi. I don’t want to have pony blood on my hands because my AI couldn’t see in front of itself.” I warned James.
“Right, sir. I will slowly increase altitude where there should be less chance of flying pegasi. Once we start our approach on LAX I’ll let you know.” he replied.
“Alright, I’ll go to sleep as well. Goodnight, James.” I said.
“Good night, sir.” I fell into slumber.
The Conversion Bureau: A Boy and his Dream
Chapter 2: Surprises, and surprises again
Chapter 2
I had a nightmare. It started out with us being in some dark place, what seemed to be underground, some kind of basement, and I, Twilight and another orange pegasus pony were headed towards a computer console. Twilight started sprinting for it and was now about sixteen feet in front of us. All of a sudden there were sparks underneath Twilight and she collapsed. I rushed in to see what happened. She stepped into a large puddle of water, which had several cables running into it on the sides of the wall. She was dead. I cried. I cried because I didn’t notice the cables and because of me, Twilight Sparkle was dead. Luckily, I soon woke up and realized it was a dream. I saw Twilight still sleeping with her head on my hip, alive and well. I looked out the window and it seemed like it was dusk.
“How much longer till we start descend James?” I asked my AI butler.
“In a few minutes, sir. Would you like some coffee?” he replied.
“Yes, thank you James. I’ll pick it up in the kitchen.” I slowly lowered Twilight’s head off my hip and gently put it down on the sofa. I went to the kitchen, where James already started the brewing program. It started spitting the artificial milk into the mug. While I was waiting for it to complete I took a glance outside. I saw a light green pegasus holding his pace with the starboard wing. My brain didn’t register it at first, so I continued watching how my coffee was made. But after about half a second my brain did register it and I ran over to the nearest window. I started tapping it to get the pegasus’s attention. By chance, he heard my tapping and came over to the window.
“Would you care to come in?” I tried talking through the window. He made a I can’t hear you gesture so I ran over to my chair and pulled out a sheet of paper and took out the pen out of my suit. I wrote my previous sentence as clearly as I could onto it. I then put it on the window so that with some success he could read it. Luckily he did. I gestured the forward part of the plane where the door was located. Opening a door in mid-flight wasn’t as easy as Hollywood movies had shown. In fact, it was down right impossible, without decompression and powerful hydraulics. Luckily, I had a mid flight door opening system installed, in case of a critical engine malfunction and you had to parachute yourself to safety. Regardless, I still had to push the door really hard, but once I got one inch open the rest was easy. Now there was the problem of closing it again. The pegasus flew into the plane and when he saw that I couldn’t close the door, he generously helped me.
“Sir, you could’ve just asked me to give a little more power to the hydraulics." said James.
“Ohh, right. Sorry, that’s humans for you when they don’t get their caffeine dosage.” I replied with a laugh.
I then turned around to the light green pegasus. “Welcome on board, Mr.?”
“High Cloud. Are you really a human?” he asked as if he had never seen a human before.
“Yes, I am. Is there a problem with that?” I asked curiously with a smile on my face.
“Wow, a real human! Wait till everypony back home hears about this.” he looked down at his hooves and reminded himself to ask me another question “What kind of flying machine is this? I didn’t see any pegasi pull it, so how is it flying?”
“Like a bird, Mr. High Cloud. Like a bird. The engines on the back of the plane provide the thrust necessary for it to fly. And the wings keep it up in the air. There’s really not much to it.” I explained.
“Wooooowwww.” he awed. I suddenly remembered something.
“Mr. High Cloud, would you be interested in doing a little favour for me?” I asked him.
“Of course, anything for you mister.” he bounced in excitement.
“You can call me Erik. Anyway, I’d like you to alert all the pegasi near the airport to clear the runway and the skies for a few minutes until we land. A plane needs a lot of space to maneuver, unlike you pegasi.”
“What’s an airport?” he asked me.
“Oh, ehm it’s the place with the big roads that don’t seem to connect anything. It should also have a tower and several bridges that also don’t connect to anything too or they connect to planes such as this one only bigger.” I tried to explain.
“You mean Lax? Sure, I’ll have the sky clear in a minute, sir.” he headed over the door and as soon as he reached it James opened it for him to exit. He jumped out and skillfully avoided the wing and the rest of the jet. James then closed the door and said “Your coffee is ready, sir.” I started laughing.
Soon after I got my coffee and sat on my seat the plane broke the cloud layer above the airport, miraculously, not hitting anypony. Luckily, James didn’t need the runway lights to successfully land because it seems they were dead a long time ago. There were pegasi standing on the Theme Building and some were standing next to the runway watching how our plane was landing. There were a few Dreamliners 2 and a couple of old A350 XWBs parked at the airport terminals. It looks like the ponies have decorated them with images and murals depicting the Wonderbolts. James parked the plane next to a crowd of ponies in which I could clearly see High Cloud.
“Twilight?” I wanted to ask her something.
“Yes?” she answered while yawning and rubbing her eyes.
“Are you awake?”
“Well, mostly. Why? What is it?” she asked while stretching.
“Well, I’ve kind of created a welcoming committee for us. Could I count on you dealing with it? I’m a little rusty with public speeches and I believe most of them will be terrified of me.” I looked into her eyes.
“Of course, you can count on me!” she said happily.
“Thank you, Twilight. Let’s get going then.” I made an assuring smile on my face and looked out the window into the crowd once more, before taking my cane and getting up from my seat.
I let Twilight go out the door first, as any gentleman would. When I reached the end of the stairs High Cloud broke out of the crowd and stopped in front of me.
“I did as you asked me too, mister.” he assured me.
“That you did. And a reward is in order.” I assured the pegasus filly. I thought of what I might give him, but I didn’t have anything on me. But then I remembered my crazy obsession for uniforms and asked James “James? Do we have some kind of flier uniform in the plane?”
“Indeed we do, sir. We got a World War 2 leather pilot set and a modern flight captain’s set. They’re both in the cabinet opposite of the toilet.” he answered. I rushed back inside and pulled out the leather jacket and the accompanying hat, both with some aviator emblems and medals. I even managed to find a pair of aviator goggles for the little pegasus. I came out of the plane again where Twilight and High Cloud were waiting for me in front of the stairs. He was quite anxious to see his reward. I kneeled and put the glasses on his eyes, the hat on his head and I wrapped the jacket around him. I then stood up and said “There you go, little one. May they serve you well in your life. May there no cloud be too high for your reach.” I gave him a salute and then turned to Twilight that was looking at me in a very confusing manner. “I’ll explain later, but for now, let’s deal with the situation at hand, shall we?” she put a smile on her face and then we continued on.
We slowly walked up to the crowd and then what seemed to be the head of the community approached Twilight and asked her some questions, which I overheard. I was too concentrated on the noises coming from behind me as High Cloud was probably trying to get the jacket on properly. I then suddenly heard Twilight giggle. She then turned around and asked me to lower my head so she can whisper something into my ear.
“They’re not angry at you, Erik! They’re amazed to see a human. They’re asking if they could hold a celebration in your name!” Twilight laughed.
“Ha ha, very funny Twilight. Now tell me what they want so we can get this over with.” I said not realizing she wasn’t joking.
“I’m not joking, Erik! They really want to have a feast in your honor!” she reduced the laughter to a smile.
I was very, very confused. Why in the name of God, would a group of ponies be so obsessed with humans? I didn’t have a clue, so there was nothing left for me to do but to ask them.
“What is the name of their leader?” I asked Twilight.
“I believe it is a pegasus named Caffeine Dash.” she answered.
Caffeine Dash...that name sounded familiar. I didn’t recognise the name right away, but after reminiscing for a while I finally did. And I couldn’t believe it. So I asked Twilight one more time. “W-what did you say his name was?”
“Caffeine Dash. Why? Is there something wrong?” she wondered.
I turned around back at the crowd. And saw him laughing at me and waving his hoof. I whispered to myself “You bloody bastard...”
I started laughing and yelled “You bloody bastard!” when I was about three feet from him, he flew to me and we hugged, mid air you could say. We then calmed down a bit and I put him down back on the floor.
“Well, Jake, I’d imagine you were trolling with that loving humans because they’re humans mumbo jumbo?” I asked him.
“What can I say, I couldn’t resist!” he smirked.
Twilight slowly approached us and asked “You know each other?”
“Yes we do Twilight. Jacob here was one of my top scientists before he went to get ponified. He was also a brony just like me. We actually met when the series was running its second season. But unlike me he took the first chance he could to get ponified. Didn’t you Jake?” I answered.
“Well, you can’t blame me. You didn’t exactly pay me like I was your top scientist.” he answered.
“Hey, fifty thousand dollars a month isn’t exactly small money!” I argumented.
“Yeah, when? Forty years ago it would have been huge money. Now, or rather, twenty years ago it barely paid rent for my penthouse suite. Not to mention my ten parking spaces.”
We both burst into laughter again.
“You really don’t know where’s the limit, do you Jake?” I asked.
“I guess I don’t. But who cares about that now. The important thing now is that you’re here and I have an excuse to throw you a party.” he answered.
“Well I wouldn’t want to be a bother. And I don’t know if I deserve it to be honest.” I said with a small hint of depression on my face.
“Nonsense! Any old friend of mine deserves a party being thrown for him. especially if i haven’t seen you in what is it now? Ten years?”
“Twenty Jake...Twenty. Time does fly by doesn’t it?”
“It sure does... I hope you are tired after your flight! even though it has been that long I still remember how you like your coffee.”
“Well, how could I refuse coffee from somepony whose special talent is coffee?” I suddenly remembered something. What kind of gentleman am I? I didn’t even introduce Twilight to Jake.
“Ohh, erhm excuse me for being so impolite, Twilight, this is Jake or Caffeine Dash as he is called now. Jake, I do hope you remember who this is.”
“Well she’s only one of the mane six characters in the show that we both watched and worshipped a few years ago. Mind you introduce me to miss Sparkle?” the orange pegasus said sarcastically.
I laughed and then said “Jake, this is Twilight Sparkle, element of magic, Celestia’s protege and, well, I guess the pony ambassador to humans now.”
“I was being sarcastic, Erik.” he replied.
Twilight laughed some and then extended her hoof to shake hooves with Caffeine Dash. “Nice to meet you, Caffeine. I could go for a coffee myself.”
“Hope you like it to last ‘till tomorrow”
I lowered myself to Twilight’s head level and whispered into her ear “Don’t worry, I’ll water it down for you. The amount of caffeine he manages to put in a coffee is unimaginable. I’m surprised that the coffee he serves is still liquid.”
“I heard that.” Caffeine said.
“Well you have to admit it’s true.”
“Yeah...maybe a little...”
“Didn’t you say you’re having a party prepared for us, Jake?”
“Please, it’s Caffeine now, and yes I’ve already put some of my friends on it.”
“Ok, Caffeine, lead the way.”
He showed us the sleeping quarters for the kids at flight school, after the ponies had absorbed a large portion of humanity they soon discovered that cloudsdale got a bit cramped, the short term solution was to open up a few small temporary schools at certain airports in the human world. After a few years the ponies had managed to build real cloud schools for young fliers, but the airports were still kept open for nostalgia purposes. Moving on, he showed us the sports centre, it was a large hall with various tools and individual fields for certain sports. Sports like rugby or tennis had lowered in popularity while hobbies like soccer were gaining, who would have thought that having four legs could help you in soccer.
While walking through the long corridors and the large halls Caffeine talked a bit of how he managed to get put in charge as head trainer at a flight camp.
“Remember when I left for ponification, Erik? I had actually prepared myself a bit for the event before I left. I had intended to try to bring computers to ponies and had thus prepared a new kind of keyboard and mouse intended for use with hooves and wings. I still keep programming as a hobby but I noticed that ponies weren’t interested in things like computer games or robot programming. So I focused more on my physically active side. Attending to flight school as all recently ponified humans that turn into pegasi go to, I picked up the art of flight rather quickly. And when the opportunity arose I volunteered to take care of a slightly run down temp school. After working a bit with the decor and tools available I managed to turn the schools reputation around. Et voila! I haven’t let it change a bit in fifteen years.” The orange pony stopped for a while and looked at the students, his students.
“Anyway enough of me, how have you been Erik? It’s been twenty crazy years and I have no clue what you have done lately.”
“Not much, Caffeine. The AIs you invented were a nice boost to the economic situation of the company. But ponies took over and they got pretty much useless, as you said, ponies aren’t really that interested in computers and robots and similar technology. But I’m happy you found a second hobby. I did as well. I’ve spent the last 10 years preserving whatever there is to preserve. Paintings, texts, blueprints, music etc., wouldn’t like humanity to get buried in the sands of time. I bet you’re wondering how come I didn’t get myself ponified. Well that was your answer pretty much. A lot of stuff left to do as a human I guess. That or I proclaimed myself captain of this ship and am willing to abandon it last. Or go down with it. Yep, that’s me. Too good for my own good.” I said as we slowly approached what seemed to be the mess hall. The strong smell of food kind of gave it away.
“CHUNKY!” our escort suddenly shouted “It better not be celery soup today!”
“Sorry about that, forgot I had visitors today, anyway as you might suspect we are nearing the kitchen and I’m a bit hungry. Would you like some food?” he then added in a lower voice.
“Well, I’d be delighted to eat some real food after so long. A nanobar can only have so much taste. And you Twilight?” I looked at her.
“Um, well, the flight did make me a bit hungry. Might as well eat something while we’re here.” she responded.
A light green pony with a dark green mane stuck his head out of the kitchen and shouted back.
“Well your worries are unfounded its fried carrots with chips on the menu.” the chef pony looked at Twilight and then added “Ah, so these are our visitors. I heard some of the boys talking, but the element of magic herself! Now where’s the human?”
“Word does spread fast here, doesn’t it? Quite the establishment you’ve got here, Caffeine. Not too shabby.” I said when I walked around the corner to the kitchen. I saw another pony I knew. “Hello, Tom.”
The light green unicorn’s jaw dropped to the floor.
“Well you pretty much grounded 100 fliers for a few minutes so you weren’t that discrete.” Caffeine said.
I laughed a bit “True, so true. Again, I’m sorry I had to do that. It was either that or taking the risk of having someone go splat. And I don’t think anyone would want that to happen.” I looked at the light green unicorn formerly known as Tom. “What is it, Tom?”
“Ee-e-Erik?!” he asked.
“Yeah. I wasn’t really expecting you coming out of that plane. Anyone else and the boys could’ve gotten feisty but, you...you get a feast.” Chunky said.
“Thank you Chunky. It really means that much to me. And to Twilight of course.” I turned around to her and then suddenly remembered. “Ehm, Caffeine, you wouldn’t know Ms. Fluttershy’s location or perhaps a human’s?
“Yes, she passed by a few days ago. She said she was headed for Santa Harmonica and that she return in a few days.”
“Was she alone?” Twilight inquired.
“No, she had Angel with her. I swear that’s the most assertive rabbit I’ve ever seen...and Chunky over there remembers him best.”
“Ye, he was a feisty little bugger. anyway mind introducing me to the persons responsible for the extra dishes?” the cook said.
“Oh yes, sorry ‘bout that, anyway Chunky this is John Eriksson, he was my boss and friend before I got ponified, I’m sure you remember that. And this pretty filly is Twilight Sparkle, one of the mane six and bearer of the element of magic, I’m sure you remember that as well. Twilight, Erik, this is Chunky Chef the campus cook and generally a nice guy, except he keeps making celery soup. Erik you may also know him better as Tom MacCloud. From back when the series still ran.“
“Oh, I know who he is. I just refrained myself from hugging him because he looked busy and seemed as if he really needed all his concentration with the carrots and chips.”
“How in the blazes can you still remember him? That was like 50 year ago!”
“Eh, good memory, I suppose. I did hire him personally, you know.”
“I can see why. Anyway the food should be ready in a few minutes, let me show you two to the mess hall. I suppose you wouldn’t want to eat while standing up, would you?” Caffeine said.
Caffeine lead them to the giant mess hall, which was probably the former food court of the airport. He took them to the nearest one next to the kitchen. All the other kitchens seemed as if they haven’t worked in quite a while. I seated Twilight and myself at the table.
“Now that we are here and seated I’ll go check on Chunky to see how the food is going, I will be right with you.” Caffeine said as he left me and Twilight.
“I need to thank you for getting me here so fast, Mr. Eriksson.” she said.
“Oh, don’t make much out of it. That airplane would probably rust if the purification wouldn’t hit in a month. I have so much stuff I don’t do anything with anymore. Such a shame. I used to enjoy things like driving in my Porsche, sailing on my yacht. I can’t say I’ve had a bad life. I only wish I could have made more lives better.” I stared out the glass windows of the airport and then looked back at Twilight “But look at me rambling again. You haven’t said a thing since we’ve arrived. What’s the matter?”
“It’s that obvious? Well, I don’t know why, but I feel as if something bad is going to happen.”
“Gut feelings. I know what’s it like. But I’m sure everything’s going to be alright, Twilight, trust me on that one. You know what? How about I accompany you all the way? It would be my pleasure and there isn’t anything I have to do anyway.”
“I’d like that. Thank you, Erik.”
“As I’ve said, it would be my pleasure Twilight.”
Twilight and I talked about a few more mundane things and after a while, Caffeine returned. He was balancing three plates on him, one on his body and one on each of his wings, He also looked rather cheerful. Life as a pony must really give you a lot to be happy about, doesn’t it?
“Hope I haven’t been away for too long, anyway Chunky sent us these. His celery soup is to die for but after having nothing but it, you kinda long for something else. Anyway here are the fried carrots.” he said in a chipper tone. “By the way how long are you planning on staying? A jet saves a lot of time compared to a chariot when we’re talking about transatlantic distances.”
“Well, you’ll have to ask Twilight for that one. I’m just the escort.” I said.
She giggled and then said “I guess until Fluttershy and I finish up with the humans here.”
“I’d guess you are staying at least a day then, I’ll have some rooms prepared. What exactly is your business with the humans?” the orange pegasus inquired.
“Well, I’d like to tell you, but it’s top secret. The Princesses don’t want anypony to know until it’s time.” Twilight answered.
“Intriguing. Anyway eat up, as soon as we are done here and since you are staying for a while I’ll show you where you can sleep, then I can go do some paperwork while you settle in. Bon appetit.”
“Thank you.” Twilight and I said at the same time.
I haven’t had a real meal in about twenty years. Those artificial foodstuffs pretty much replaced everything organic as they were healthier, cheaper and lasted longer. But still, they somehow lacked that special taste only organic can give. And these carrots were damn delicious. I got to hand it to Chef, he does know his job. After we’ve eaten, I went to the counter where Chef was working and said “My compliments to the chef.” he laughed. “I’ll let him know. Will you be available for dinner?”
“Yes, Tom, both Twilight and I will be staying here for a while. So you’ll have enough time to impress me with your culinary expertise.” I turned around for a moment and saw Caffeine waving towards me “Well, it looks like I’ll have to cut this conversation short. I’ll see you around Tom.”
“Thank you Erik. And it’s Chunky now.” he replied.
"Ok, Chunky. See you around.” I walked back to the table, fixed my suit a bit and said “Ok Caffeine, carry on.”
“Alright, if you would follow me, please.” we exited the food court and headed towards the terminals. The ponies inhabited the waiting rooms and the few docked planes. We didn’t stop here, however, we continued on and were back outside again. We were headed towards the air control tower. It seemed odd so I had to ask “We’re going to be staying in the air control tower?”
“Yep, there we have the best and most comfortable rooms, I’m guessing you don’t want to sleep on some hay in an old airplane fuselage. I sleep in the topmost room so I can keep an eye on my students, but there are a few guest rooms there you should find quite up to your needs.” he answered.
"Well, I can’t say I’m shocked and it is definitely a sign of taste. Not to mention the functionality. Good show, Jake, good show." After a few minutes we were up on the tower. From up there you could really see everything. Pegasi flying low around the buildings, unicorns doing maintenance work and earth ponies pulling old baggage trains. About thirty years ago, you could probably have a nice view of city as well. Ah, look at me babbling to myself about the past again. What was was, and will likely never be again. I hate, yet love nostalgia. Makes you remember the good old times, yet pulls you away from more important matters, like the future and present.
“I wish you two a pleasant stay. I’m afraid I have some business to attend to.” said Caffeine as he closed the door behind him.
“It really is nice up here. It was sweet of him to give us these rooms.” said Twilight admiring the comfortable beds. I turned away from the window and towards Twilight and said
“Yes, he’s quite the friend.” I sat on the bed next to Twilight. She noticed how I got a little depressed again and so she tried to comfort me.
“Are you okay, Erik?” she asked.
“Hmm? Oh, yes, I’m fine. It’s just some nostalgia. I’ll feel better in a hour or two. Heh, I bet you don’t have anything in the past you crave about. Ponies don’t seem to go from better to worse like we humans do. If I didn’t know better I would say that in Equestria, things can only get better. Here? You never know...” I lie down on the bed.
“Well, actually...I do miss Equestria. More with each passing day. I miss Spike and all his...well...Spikiness. Not to mention Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, my brother and my parents...” she said.
I sat back up on the bed and seeing what I had done I had to comfort her now, as well as myself. I was also baffled by the question of how long was she away from Equestria and her friends? So I asked her “Wait, how long have you been away from home? And your family and friends?”
“Almost twenty years now. I’ve been running the conversion bureau in New York, you see. Both Celestia and I knew I was best suited for the task. It was my responsibility towards both my, and your people for me to do so. Fluttershy offered to help me after a few years. She left her hut for the girls to take care off. Until recently we were always together, first in the bureau, then on our trips around the world, but with the Purification spell, and the time we were given, I thought it would be best to split up, so we could cover more people sooner.”
“I..I..I’m sorry to hear that. I..I’m sorry Twilight. I cannot help but think, that...these were a horrible twenty years for you. To see things no pony should ever see. To hear things no pony should hear. To experience some things ponies should never experience. It makes me wish that you had never come to our world, Twilight. For the sake of yourselves.” I stood up from the bed. And looked outside the window for a moment before starting to weep.
“What price must you ponies pay to save us? The price of peace? The price of your well being? The price of your lives? Sometimes....sometimes, I think you did a foolish thing, to help us. Brave, but foolish. You should have left us of to rot, so that we finally meet our fate that has avoided us for so long...”
I couldn’t control my emotions anymore. To start thinking of ponies who had to come to this world to save us from our own fate. The fate we had deserved for being ignorant, stupid, warmongering barbarians. A civilization built on lies and deceit. We had it coming for so long...but they....they were ready to throw away their own well being just to help us. They could have went with the Purification spell as soon as they came, or not even that, they could have used it from their world without even stepping into ours. But they didn’t. They came and they gave us a new beginning, without us needing to give anything in return. If a human would have done the same thing, everyone would say that there has to be a catch. Many probably did. I fell to my knees, sobbing.
Twilight approached me and gave me a hug. “I have seen things I regret, but I still think you’re worth the trouble. You’ve got kindling in your hearts that just waits to be ignited by something magical like us.” she tried to assure me.
“T...thank you, Twilight. You’re really good at this friendship stuff, aren’t you?” I calmed down a bit.
"Well, I haven’t written all those friendship letters for nothing.” she hugged me.
I hugged her back. It was the most calming thing ever. My tears dried in an instant. “Thank you Twilight. I really needed that.”
“You’re welcome, Erik. If there were more humans as considerate as you, you probably wouldn’t be in this mess.”
“I know, right?” I wiped remnants of a tear of my cheek and stood up. “Well, I think we should both go to sleep. All this thinking and emotions really got the better of me and my energy.”
“I agree. We should, I bet your friend has a lot in store for us tomorrow.”
I took of my tie and jacket and the suddenly remembered that I forgot my baggage in New York. “Oh, damn.”
“What is it?” Twilight asked.
“I forgot my pyjamas. And I don’t feel comfortable sleeping in my shirt.”
“Why don’t you sleep in naked? Or well, in your underwear.”
“Ar...oh, yeah. I forgot you ponies don’t wear clothes much. Well, the thing is, I’m accustomed with sleeping in my pyjamas and sleeping naked is not really civilized in my opinion.”
Twilight giggled “You’re awfully conservative, for someone who’s going to get ponified.”
I smiled “Well, now that you put it that way, might as well get started early with my new life.” I took of my shirt and pants and laid down into my bed. “Good night, Twilight. Sweet dreams.”
“You too, Erik. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.”
“Yeah, Jake wasn’t very famous for his cleaning. I hope he had someone clean these, otherwise there will be bedbugs that bite.”
We both chuckled for a moment and then fell into slumber.
I was again cursed with the nightmare from yesterday. I woke up in the middle of the night, and again assured myself that everything was ok. I sure do hope it’s not one of those dreams that come true. I couldn’t live with myself if something like that would happen. I went back to sleep, but I didn’t catch much sleep the rest of the night. I carefully got out of bed, so that I don’t wake up Twilight. It was a bit earlier then I usually wake up, but since I didn’t catch much sleep, I didn’t see reason why not to. I put on my clothes and carefully left the room. I heard noises coming from the floor above, and so I used the stairs to see who’s there. I entered what was before one of the control rooms of LAX. In it was Caffeine Dash looking at a formation of pegasi flying around the airport.
“Barrel roll! Do a barrel roll! No, not a loop! A barrel roll!” shouted Caffeine into the microphone.
“Damn...that’s a bit cliche, don’t you think?” I said while still climbing into the room.
“Cliche? What do you mean clich...Oh...” he realized after a moment of thought.
“Yeah, internet memes never do die, do they? Anyway, do you think you can keep your voice down? Twilight’s still asleep. And she’s had a rough day yesterday.” I walked and positioned myself next to him. “Could you tell me if the mess hall is open now? I haven’t gotten much sleep tonight and could really go for a good cup of coffee.”
“No, the mess hall isn’t open yet. But I know a particular colt that could make you a cup of coffee. Let me just finish the morning training session with the senior flyer group here.”
“Well, I must say, they do look like they can do some mean flying.” I said as I was watching them do barrel rolls in the sky.
“Yeah, they d...you know what, let me show you just what these guys can do.” Caffeine leaned to the microphone again and said “Ok, now do everything I ever taught you and do it with excellence. I don’t want you to miss a single step, and I want you to give it all you’ve got. Now start!”
The pegasi formation started doing all kinds of acrobatics and stunts. The degree of talent and practice to achieve such skill was astounding. They completely “grew” into their wings, something humans could never hope to achieve with their airplanes. The perfection of each move was beyond beautiful.
“My God, Jake. Your students fly as if they were the masters of the sky itself. I have never seen such coordination and skill!” I said in amazement.
“Well, duh, they are my students. And I said that you should call me Caffeine.” he replied to my sudden amazement.
“With all good respect, Caffeine, I didn’t know you were such a good flyer. With this kind of skill I’m amazed that you aren’t commanding the Wonderbolts!”
He laughed at my remark about his skills. “What’s funny?” I asked trying to see why is he laughing.
“You think that’s Wonderbolt material? Those are mere child tricks compared to those of the Wonderbolts. But thank you for giving such over exaggerated compliments.” he replied.
“Well it’s hard to believe that there’s a level of flying above this. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see for myself, won’t I?”
“I guess you will. And I’ll be there with you when you do. It’s always fun to watch the Wonderbolts in action.” he suddenly remembered that I asked for a cup of coffee “Oh, let’s head to the bar. I’ll make you the best cup of coffee yet.”
“What do you know about coffee making?” I asked.
“Ehm ehm.” he pointed at his cutie mark.
“Oh right. I guess I thought your cutie mark was flight related. Morning sickness I guess.” he and I chuckled.
We went to the mess hall, which was mostly empty at this kind of hour. I sat myself at the bar, so Caffeine and I could still talk casually.
“You know, I’ve been thinking about something I’d like to talk to you about.” I said to Caffeine.
“What is it, Erik?” he replied while preparing to make some coffee.
“Was your talent always about making coffee? Even while you were still human?”
“Why are you asking questions you know the answers to yourself?”
“I don’t know, just making sure I guess.”
“Well, in that case, yes, it always was my talent. Why do you ask?”
“Oh, mostly because I don’t know what my special talent is.”
“I thought you were great at leading the company and giving ideas down at the lab.”
“Oh, please. We both know that me leading the company had nothing to do with the word great. If it were just me, the company would have gone bankrupt the next day. And you’d think that good brainstorming is a talent, then well, it’s a lousy one. It’s like a double-edged sword really. You can give ideas to others, but if you try to do them yourself you’re dead in the water. I mean you’re good at making coffee and you have ideas for that. But if your talent is making ideas and not something else then it’s a truly useless thing, at least for the individual.”
“I guess. Good thing you surrounded yourself with good friends then.”
“I know, I know...but still. You and your team were able to invent AIs. You remember, back when we watched the show? I always got jealous of all the people in the community who made a name for themselves. And every time I realized I was jealous I wanted to tear my heart out. And you know how much I tried drawing, writing, even singing. But I never got to be, as Rarity would have put it, the pony everypony should know. And I always wanted to make a name for myself. It didn’t want to be the best of the best, but I wanted to be known. I wanted to do my part in the community. I guess I was a bit selfish.”
“Nah, you just wanted to be somebody. Let’s face it, everyone wants to be a somebody.” he gave me my coffee.
“Thanks Caffeine. It really means a lot to me.” I took a sip of the coffee. And, as expected, it was heavenly.
“You see, even your coffee is a work of art. All I ever could hope for getting even near to this is giving Pinkie Pie the idea on how to improve banana cream pie, or something like that.”
“Well, when you do, I’d like to try it.” he raised a cup.
“Cheers.” I said and then clinked cups.
“Anyway, why do you think your cutie-mark would be brainstorming? I mean look at me for an example, I’m brilliant with computers. I invented the first God-damn AI, making coffee was just a hobby for me. A hobby I thoroughly enjoyed and perfected but still.”
“I guess that’s also true. But that brings up another question. What is my special talent then? I was good at disassembling computers back in the day, modifying existing things and et cetera. But I wouldn’t call it a special talent.”
“What about hobbies, things you did in your spare time or dreamt about doing? I don’t know if you can even have one of those as a cutie mark. Didn’t you have anything you enjoyed doing in your spare time?”
“I don’t think playing games on the computer and chatting with you on the net can be a special talent, Caffeine.”
“Maybe you haven’t discovered it yet?”
“Tell ya what, when you finally get your sorry ass over to a conversion bureau and if you don’t come out with a cutie-mark, I’ll help ya go crusadin’ for it. Sounds good?”
“Sounds perfect. A drink to that.” we clinked cups again. I ran out of coffee.
“Well, there goes the coffee. I’m afraid if I get another one I’ll be awake for 3 days in a row.”
“Yea, you should take care of your liver even if the coffee is good. Anyway where did miss Sparkle go?”
“I told you, she’s still asleep.”
“So that’s not her standing in the doorway?” Caffeine pointed a hoof at the door where a purple unicorn was carefully trying to avoid notice.
I turned around and saw Twilight at the doorway. “I guess she woke up a bit early as well.” I smiled.
She walked over to the bar to see what were we doing.
“Well, good morning, miss sunshine.” I said to her.
“My name is Twilight-” she then got the hang of the joke. “-oh.”
“I guess you could go for a coffee as well.”
“How long do you definitely want to be awake and hyper?” Caffeine asked Twilight nimbly hopping over the counter. “If you want I can make you a Wizbrew special.”
“Sure. I’m always in for something new.” she answered.
Caffeine started pulling out a few flasks out of a nearby cabinet. “I must warn you though miss Sparkle don’t use all your magic strength when attempting spells for the next few hours or so. The Wizbrew, invented by me, will as well as giving you extra energy like normal coffee, also boost your arcane strength. Some of the unicorns who tried it before got a nasty headache because they overused their arcane reserves.” Caffeine poured up a dark blue liquid into a mug and after he added some milk to it handed it over to Twilight. “Enjoy!”
“I guess me getting a taste of that is out of the question then.” I said.
“As a human I’d guess you’d suffer from exhaustion for a week and possibly a brain aneurysm. Definitely not nice so I’d advise against it, yes.”
“Well, enjoy your cup of magical coffee, Twilight. If he made it then I’d expect it could be served to the princesses.”
“Thank you.” she took a sip of the coffee. “Wow, it is pretty good.” she then started shaking a little. “Really good.”
“Damn Jake. She’s shaking all over.”
“Well thats not from the Wizbrew thats from the coffee” he smiled.”We should start to notice the Wizbrew soon.”
“Twilight, are you telling me you never had coffee before?” I asked her.
“No, but I’m not used to it this strong.” she answered.
Twilight’s horn started softly glowing.
“Miss Sparkle are you using your magic right now?” Caffeine asked calmly.
Twilight shook her head.
“Well I guess the drink wasn’t too powerful then.” the pegasus smiled.
“What do you mean it wasn’t too powerful? You mean to tell me if it was, her horn would be shooting stars?” I asked
“Not stars per say, but if you see overglow forming without magical exertion then you should duck and as soon as possible administer detox. I assure you even if it was too strong miss Sparkle wouldn’t get hurt.”
“I hope not. Otherwise, I’d wipe the floor with your flank.” I chuckled.
“I’d doubt there would be a floor to wipe me on.”
“What’s That supposed to mean?” I started laughing.
“Well the Wizbrew breaks down a few arcane barriers within the unicorns mind. If the dose is too strong then the unicorn loses control of its spells although luckily every unicorn so far has shielded itself instinctively. The glow you see on miss Sparkle is indicative of a good dose.”
“Oh, you clever bastard.”
“Boys, boys. I’m ok. The drink was delicious, minty in fact.” she interrupted us.
“Good to hear. But as i said earlier try not to use too much energy right now as I’ve unlocked your minds reserves. It should leave you with a feeling of general well being and slight euphoria for a while.”
“Damn it again. It sounds as if you drugged her big time.”
“Yeah, well kinda, anyway haven’t we spent enough time in the bar this fine morning? It’s sunny outside and I feel like stretching my wings a bit.” Caffeine himself took a small sip of the dark blue Wizbrew and his wings shot right out.
“Yeah, you’re right. What do you say Twilight?” I asked her.
“Yeah, sure. By now the sun should have been up.” she answered.
“You heard the mare Caffeine, lead the way.”
He closed his wings with some effort and then jumped over the counter without using his wings and started trotting out the door. Twilight and I followed him. He lead us to a small hangar outside, that seemed to have acted as a school.
“Showing off yet again, Caffeine?” I asked.
“Nope, the kids thought of giving you a show of their own.”
“Two airshows in one day? Well, I certainly can’t say that’s a bad thing.”
“An airshow? Oh, no no no, they’re going to give you a play. I was told they’re going to be doing a medieval pony story.”
“A play? Sounds delightful. Do you have any idea what it might be, Twilight?” I asked if she knew what the play might be.
“If it’s medieval, then I’m guessing Don Quiche and the Dragon. It’s a comedic interpretation about Florentine Quiche’s adventures in the old countries, while they were still young. It’s very popular amongst school plays. At least when I was in school.” she answered.
“A comedy at that? Well, I always say that there can never be too much comedy. And starting your day with one sounds like a nice start.”
“I couldn’t agree more.” she agreed.
Caffeine entered the the hangar, only to come out a few second later pushing a chair with a pillow on it. “The kids ask you kindly to sit down. They found a chair for you Erik. And a pillow for you, Miss Sparkle.”
I took the chair and set it up opposite of the hangar doors. I took the pillow and put it down on the floor besides me. “Mademoiselle .”
“Thank you Erik.” she said with a chuckle. We then both sat down on our seats.
Caffeine then went back in. After a few moments the hangar doors opened revealing a stage. There were several young colts and fillies all dressed up in makeshift costumes on a medieval stage. Amongst them was High Cloud, dressed up in knightly pony armor.
I pointed at him and asked Twilight “Don Quiche, I presume?”
“Yes. This seems quite the scenery for a place such as this.”
“Indeed it does.”
Caffeine appeared on stage. “Mares and gentlemen, I proudly present to you Don Quiche and the Dragon.”
The play went on for two hours. It was quite the experience. You could say it was something like a mixture of Don Quixote, a classic scenario of a prince saving a damsel in distress from a dragon, and a Mel Brooks film. I really loved the part where the Dragon said to the Don “But I just wanted her to show me how to make those delicious hard rocks she throws out the window every Tuesday.” and the princess said “Those are muffins! Not rocks!”
I stood up and started clapping and cheering “Bravo, bravo! Excellent performance!”
Caffeine then step in front of the bowing performers and said “Would a Mr. John Eriksson, please come up to the stage?”
I was surprised as hell. I didn’t know if I should until Twilight pushed me forward and said “Go on. They’re waiting for you.” with a smile.
I went up on stage and then Caffeine started talking again. “Mr. Eriksson, by the authority of his majesty, the Emperor of Pays du Fromage, I declare you Prince of Pays le Brie for your services to his people.” he then gestured me to bow down. When I did High Cloud put a paper crown on my head and the filly, that played the princess, put a medal made out of paper mashier on my chest.
“Oh, this is too much. I thank you all for making such a welcome. I need to say that I don’t know if I deserve it, but I’m glad I could make you all happy if for just a day or two.” I then noticed two ponies rushing towards the hangar. “I say, what got them in a hurry?”
Everyone shifted focus to the two colts running towards the stage. After a few moments they arrived at the stage and said “Mr. Caffeine, sir, I believe you should bring your friends to the infirmary.”
I could see that all three of us were confused, but we rushed to the infirmary without asking any question on the way. When we arrived we saw a hideous scene. Angel was beaten up. He had a chipped tooth, had a scar or two and was lying on the infirmary bed. Twilight rushed to the bed to ask what happened. The bunny then started making semi-recognisable gestures probably describing what had happened. Twilight then slowly returned to me and Caffeine.
“What happened?” I asked her.
“It....it was a human. He took Fluttershy hostage and sent Angel as a messenger.”
Caffeine and I both looked at each other for a moment before saying “Don’t worry, Twilight. We’ll get her back, no matter the cost.”
“Did he give any list of demands like a ransom or something?” I inquired further.
“He said the human wants Princess Celestia to surrender herself and Equestria to him, or Fluttershy gets it.”
“You got all that from the bunny making gestures?” Caffeine wondered.
“Yeah, I might have not learned squirrel, but bunny is easy, once you get the hang of it.” she then paused for a moment before continuing “Please help Fluttershy! You probably know how she is.”
Caffeine and I nodded. “Don’t worry, we’ll get her here safe and sound.”
“Thank you Erik. And thank you Caffeine.”
“You stay with Angel, Twilight. To minimize risks and whatnot. Angel will probably need the care and company of a friend.”
Twilight nodded and Caffeine and I slowly exited the infirmary.
“Let’s go get the bastard, Caffeine. No one hurts Fluttershy and lives to tell the tale.”
“Do you really mean to kill him?”
“Of course not. It’s just a saying. Now, let’s hit the road. I presume you know approximately where this human is?”
“Yes. There aren’t many places you can hide within a bunny length from here.”
“Alright, lead the way.”
The Conversion Bureau: A Boy and his Dream
Chapter 3: One's mistakes
Chapter 3
Caffeine and I left the infirmary on our way to find and take care of the terrorist that had captured Fluttershy.
“Caffeine, I think it might be a wise thing for me to find a car. Do you know where the rent-a-car was?” I asked.
“Yup. It’s right next to the southeastern sleeping quarters. But I don’t know if there’s still a car left operable. We kinda’ used some of the parts for our own endeavours, so to say.” he rubbed his shoulder.
“Well, it’s worth a shot. Plus there’s always the parking area, I guess.”
“True. Let’s get going then.”
I started following him through the few complexes between us and the rent-a-car. They all looked nice and tidy and maintained. Caffeine Dash sure did know what he was doing. If it weren’t for him, and his people, this place would probably be in ruins by now. The ponies that lived here didn’t seem to live by low standards. Quite the contrary, you could probably compare this to Canterlot standards, but with a more “sharing is caring” attitude. After walking for about half an hour we finally reached a parking lot with cars. But, as Caffeine had said, most of them seemed inoperable.
“Well, looks like along time ago you had quite the choice, but now...I think I’ll be lucky if I find a Ford Fiesta.” I said.
“Yup. I think I’ll fly over the lot and see if I can find something for you.” Caffeine offered.
“Thanks. Now, let’s get to work.”
Caffeine flew over the parking lot indicating cars in possible working condition. The first was a S-Class Mercedes-Benz, however, it had all the seats, the dashboard, the steering wheel, and the transmission bar pulled out. The second one, amongst several ruined Lexuses, was a BMW. Sadly, all the wheels were gone and the suspension started to rust. The third was a Toyota Prius. It seemed alright from the outside, however, when I told James to start it, he said he couldn’t as there was no power. When I popped the hood I discovered why - it was empty. After about two hours searching for a vehicle Caffeine said he found one in good shape. Once I arrived I couldn’t believe my eyes. Caffeine landed next to me and asked.
“What’s wrong?”
“That’s wrong.” I pointed at the Ford Fiesta. I then tilted my head upwards and said “I was just kidding!” after a few seconds I popped the hood just to be sure. Yep, the engine was there. The inside wasn’t too bad either. The only problem was, it was a Ford. And I disliked Fords. And it wasn’t for no reason. You’d think they would increase in quality in fifty years, but I guess that was just someone being optimistic. It doesn’t help with the fact that the latest model Ford had over two hundred complaints for every one hundred cars.
“Considering that there won’t be any other traffic and you will have your AI butler making a few upgrades and drive for you, I doubt that usability will be an issue. Most of the complaints were that it was about as safe as loading an old Yugo with needles and sharp objects in the back. I wish they would’ve let me make them a driving program for it.”
“If you don’t mind I’d like to go with you in the car. Was a long time ago I last drove. Plus you never know what might happen on the road and you might need a pair of strong helping hooves or wings.”
“You might be right. Well, driver’s or co-driver’s then?”
“I call drivers, if you’re okay with it Erik.” I let Caffeine take the driver’s seat, since he won’t do the driving anyway. I closed his door and then I took the co-driver’s seat, after a long time. Being rich doesn’t really let you drive up front a lot.
“Ok, James, start her up.” I told James, who heard me through my wrist phone. After a few lights blinked and shimmered he replied .
“Sorry it took so long, sir. I had to do a few optimizations in the programming.”
“I’m sure you did. If GM had just asked, I would have given them an AI almost for free, but they didn’t so their cars still lack proper quality.” I remembered to ask about the gas “James, how much gas is there in the tank?”
“It’s full, sir. Now that we’re on our way, would you like me to play some music from your library?”
“Sure, ask Caffeine what he wants to listen to.” I turned to him. He was struggling with the seatbelt.”Caffeine, I doubt you’ll need a seatbelt.”
“But it doesn’t feel the same without the seatbelt.” he said with a slightly sad voice.
“Ok...” I sighed and buckled him up. “There, now let’s go.”
“Where to, sir?” James inquired.
“Santa Monica. And with a bit of haste.” I said.
“Right, sir. And your music?” he inquired further.
“This is not a song it’s a sandvich by Psychostick.” Caffeine said.
The music started playing, but after about ten seconds it stopped.
“The song’s ten seconds long?” I asked Caffeine.
“No, there must be something with the radio.”
I clicked a button on the radio and it fell out. “How does that not surprise me. I guess we’ll have to have a silent drive.”
Caffeine then started singing something he came up with mostly comprised of the words “I’m a pony driving a car.” I found it funny. But after listening to it for forty minutes it got slightly annoying.
“James, Santa Monica is just eight miles from LAX, what’s taking so long?” I asked.
James responded in a barely hearable tone. I forgot the radio was broken, so he was probably talking through the the wrist phone. I adjusted the volume and then asked again
“What’s taking so long, James?”
“I have to take you through Beverly Hills, sir. Satellite imagery shows that most of the city fell in disrepair and all streets leading south and east of Santa Monica are ruined and undriveable by this car. The streets within the city are in rough shape as well, so I’ll have to take a long route around most of the city.”
I sighed “So, how long will it take us to get there?”
“About two hours, sir.” James answered.
“Ok, I’ll try to get some sleep, but this coffee you gave me Caffeine, won’t make it easy.”
“I know. Luckily I gave you a weak blend, since I know you don’t like coffee that much, so it should have worn off by now.” he said.
“Thank God. Well, wake me up when we start approaching Santa Harmonica.”
“Sure thing, Erik.”
I fell asleep slowly as the car drove across the roads of Los Angeles and its surroundings. Luckily this time I didn’t have any nightmares, but neither did I have any wonderful dreams. It was one of those go to sleep, wake up kind of sleeps. Caffeine woke me up as we approached Santa Monica Pier. I remember, when I was still a kid, that I got lost there in the crowds that once roamed its boards. Of course, a few years before ponies arrived they modernized it and made it out of reinforced concrete. Such a shame. I unbuckled Caffeine from his seat and then exited the car myself. I smelled the ocean air, however, it was far from what you could smell fifty years ago.I heard tapping coming from the car so I turned around to see what was Caffeine doing. He couldn’t open the door.
“Whoops, forgot you can’t open doors.” I rushed to his door and opened it.
“You forgot I don’t have thumbs.” he made a frown.
“Yeah, sorry about that. Won’t happen again.” I took a few glances around the surrounding buildings and then asked “So, do you know where this guy is?”
“No, but I’ll see in just a minute. Wait here.” he flew off into the sky.
He was circling the neighbourhood for some good ten minutes or so when he finally landed next to me.
“He should be about two-hundred metres in that direction.” Caffeine pointed west.
“Well, okay, let’s get going.”
Well, now that we’re here, I should probably come up with a plan. Ah, I have a risky one, but I’ll guess it will have to do. If he’s a wuss like me it should have a high success rate, but if it’s a brute so to say, I might have to have something of a backup plan. But I’ll have to devise it once I actually see the house. It may give me or deduct me of some options. Or maybe I should ask Caffeine.
“Hey, Caffeine, what was this building like?”
“It’s an old run down three story house that hasn’t been tended to in about ten years. Why do you ask?”
“Oh, nothing, just curious.”
Damn. Oh well, I’ll see when we get there. After a few minutes of walking through the neighbourhood, we finally reached the house with the working lights. It wasn’t too bad. It was a standard concrete three-story house with some balconies. This one had plenty of windows, however, I could only see a human figure through the curtains move. I guess Fluttershy was either in a windowless room, or in the basement. Ok, now for the plan.
“Do you have a plan, Caffeine?” I asked the orange pegasus.
“Well other than storming through the wall, I was kinda hoping you’d have one. You were always good at thinking up business strategies and the weekly planning while I was still at the company.”
“Well, who said I didn’t have a plan? I just asked you if you had one.” I chuckled.
“Ok, shoot.”
“I’ll go to the door. Then i’ll knock on the door. And when he open the door, I’ll punch him in the face.”
“That’s it?” he was amazed by the stupidity of the plan.
“Yep, that’s it. The backup is that you’ll be standing behind me and when he opens you tackle him in any way you can.”
“Well...what if he’s armed?”
“You’re right. Let me take care of that. But then, it may be better if you stand next to the door. So regardless of scenario we’re safe.”
“Ok. I’m ready. If you’re okay with it I’m really feeling for kicking down a wall right now, you just give the signal.” Caffeine seemed a bit worried, but, then again, determined to rescue Fluttershy.
I walked over to the door of the house, with Caffeine closely by my side. I wanted to knock on it, but I found that it had a doorbell. So I rang. I gestured Caffeine to stay next to the door. You could hear footsteps that were approaching the door. This is it. If I want to change anything in the plan now was the time to do it. Let us assume the worse and he has a gun. Maybe...yes, that’s it! Let’s try impersonating a superior officer. Good thing I read the newspaper every now and then.
The door opened, revealing a white woman, with short black hair , brown eyes and a gun. I got startled for a moment, but then carried on with the plan. “Hello, my name is Jimmy Dash, from the Human Liberation Front. I’m here regarding a particular pony you’re holding captive.” I got nervous. There’s a very high chance she didn’t tell anyone about Fluttershy except the bunny Angel. Whatever the response though, I have to get ready to deal with it.
She lowered the gun.”How did you know about the pony? Did you hack my computer or something?” she asked. I was relieved.
“Precisely. You may not know this, but that particular pony is one of the Elements of Harmony, as they call them, and is extremely valuable to the Equestrian rule.”
“I know. But what are you going to do with her?” she got a little suspicious.
“I am going to take her to our base in the Rocky Mountains, where we will do the necessary things with her to preserve humanity and push back the Equestrian menace. And I would like to apologise for barging in on such short notice, but the connection in the Rockies tends to get pretty weak.”
“Ok. Seems legit. Do you want to go see her?”
“Yes, of course. She’s no good to us damaged, so to say.”
“Oh, she’s in good shape. She didn’t get much to eat, but she’s alive.”
“Good. Very good.”
“Ok, follow me Jimmy.”
I entered the house and, while she wasn’t looking, gestured Caffeine to stay back. The house was untidy. The couch seemed to have been overused by about a century and the coffee table looked like as if it never got a paint job. She went to the kitchen. The kitchen had a laptop on a old table and a couple of cans that used to contain food. Where she took out a key out of her pocket and then said “I locked her in the basement. Those pegasi out there would probably get her if she was on the upper floors.”
“Good call. We wouldn’t want her to escape, now would we?” I said. She then unlocked the door to the basement. It had one lone window in it that was projecting sunlight on the tied up yellow pegasus. She was blindfolded, had her mouth tied, and all four legs were tied up, as if she were just a simple animal. As we approached she started weeping.
“Oh so sad.” I said in a sarcastic voice “Makes me sick.” I approached her and examined her wings. They weren’t broken, luckily. “Ah, it’s such a shame we’ll have to cut these off once we lure your friends into our base.”
Fluttershy started crying.
“You HLF people really mean business.” the woman said.
“It’s only for the good of humanity. And besides, it’s just an animal. There is no moral degradation if you kill animals.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
“Oh come now, you don’t really mean to say that you have sympathy for these creatures? What happened to your ultimatum to the Equestrian government?”
“Yes. Yes, you’re totally right.”
“Good. Good.” I know I was a bit harsh, but I had to keep up with the gag until after I have the gun. Who knows what she’s capable of. “Now, let’s go back upstairs and discuss your integration into the HLF.”
“Integration? Well, that one way to say you’re recruiting me.”
We started walking the stairs back up. I was totally into my part. “Don’t worry little pony, we’ll soon get you out of this basement, and into a cell or maybe even a laboratory.”
We entered the living room that contained the couch and the coffee table. I sat on the couch and pulled out a paper and pen out of my suit. She sat on the other end of the couch.
“I’m going to ask you a few questions so you can join HLF. Let’s start with name?” I said.
“Tricia McMillan. But don’t you know that already from the computer?” she asked.
I drew some scribbles onto the paper. “Yeah, but just as a formality I have to write it down as well.” I paused for a moment. “Age?”
“Twenty-eight. I hardly see how this is relevant.”
I drew a smiley-face on my paper. “As I said it’s a formality I have to ask you, first general questions about you and then some on your personality. Date of birth?”
She sighed “The eighth of June.”
“And year?”
“You already know my age.”
“Eh, can you just tell it so I don’t need to calculate.”
“Oh, fine...2040.”
I drew a picture of a dog eating a bone.”Occupation?”
“I had a job at a car manufacturer, but when the AIs came I got fired since they were cheaper in the long run according to my manager.”
“Sorry to hear that. Anyway, penultimate question. Where are you from? I can hear on your accent it’s not from around here.”
“Australia.”
“Ok now, final question. Why are you against ponies?”
“Well..I...I don’t exactly hate them...it’s just that, I don’t believe that they’re giving people new perfect lives for free and ask nothing in return. Nothing comes free. I should know...” she then lowered her head.
“Hmm, well, excuse me for asking, but could you tell me a little bit about your past? As a personal question, of course.” I stopped drawing Caffeine in the car and focused my attention at Tricia.
“As I said, I was born in Australia. My parents were having problems there so as soon as I was born, we moved to America. When I was four they both died in a car accident and I was moved to an orphanage. I ran away when I was thirteen and been living on the street ever since. I managed to get a job a year before AIs arrived. When they did, I was left with nothing but myself, again. Ponies arrived shortly before though, but it didn’t take any attention from me until I’ve lost my job. Living on the street your whole life teaches you that some things aren’t necessarily true and some people just want to watch you burn. When people give something to someone, they expect something back. But the ponies didn’t say what they get from the whole assimilation thingy. And that’s just too fishy for me. I’m guessing that it’s some sort of ruse and that I shouldn’t be deceived by it. Then about three days ago, this yellow pony arrived and started telling me that in less than a month the world is going to end. Is that true? Is the world really going to end?”
“No, that’s just Equestrian propaganda. Please do carry on.”
“Ok, she then stated that she’s one of the Elements of Harmony. I panicked at the news and tied her up. Her bunny kept attacking me so I roughed him up a bit and told him to tell Princess Celestia to surrender to me, so I can stop the world from being destroyed. He ran out the door in quite the haste.”
I put my hand on my forehead and extended the other. “Can you please give me the gun?”
She was confused “Wha-why?”
“Just give it to me, and I’ll explain just how stupid you are my dear.”
She put the gun in my hand.
“Ok, now if you would please follow me.” I stood up and started walking to the door. On my way I examined the gun to see how you eject the magazine. Luckily, I pressed the right button and the magazine fell on the floor. “No need for this nasty thing anymore.” I suddenly remembered that there might still be a bullet loaded in the barrel, so I attempted to fire it according to what you saw in Battlefield 7 and Call of Duty 23’s animations. Strangely enough the animations were quite accurate and I was able to prime the gun.I aimed the gun at the ceiling and when I pulled the trigger nothing happened. I guess it didn’t have a bullet in the barrel. Good riddance. I opened the door and saw Caffeine hiding behind a rusty car.
“Caffeine! Can you please come over here?”
“Caffeine, who’s that?” Tricia asked.
The orange pegasus with the brown mane appeared from behind the car.
“Yes, Erik?”
“Can you please throw this into the ocean? I know that’s polluting, but its a gun after all.” I handed him the gun.
“Sure thing. Wouldn’t want somepony to accidentally use it.” he took the gun with his mouth and flew away.
“Wait, you know a pony?! Either that pony was a sleeper agent or this whole HLF recruitment was an act.”
“Indeed it was, Ms.McMillan. You had a gun, and we assumed that you were a merciless terrorist just waiting to finish off Fluttershy in the basement. But turns out you’re just a little bit confused.”
Caffeine returned “All done, Erik.”
“Ok then, let’s go back inside and have a nice talk, shall we?”
She jumped away from me quickly pulling out a knife and said “How do I know this is not another part of the equestrian plot?!”
I started laughing “Equestrian plot? Hahaha. You really believe there’s a plot against humanity? Truth is my dear, if they hadn’t arrived we’d all be dead by now. When industry stopped so did the toxic fumes generating from their chimneys. The ponies stopped us from destroying our own air. We’d probably drown in our own dung if it wasn’t for them.Now, if you would please?” I gestured for her to enter the apartment.
She holstered her knife, hiding it once again in her leather jacket, entered the apartment and sat on the couch.
While slowly approaching the couch, I smiled at her and then remembered that Fluttershy still was in the basement.
“Ms. McMillan, would you be so kind and give me the keys to the basement?”
She threw them to me without saying a word. I exited the living room and walked in through the kitchen and down into the basement.
Fluttershy was still crying after our first encounter. Back in the days I’d say that I got a heart attack twice. I might get one now as a matter of fact. But not before she gets freed. I kneeled before her and untied her mouth first.
“Ppp-please don’t hurt me.” she was shivering from fear.
“Don’t worry Fluttershy. I won’t hurt you.” I said as I untied her eyes. She recognized my voice and said “Pp-please, don’t shoot me.”
Her eyes were as beautiful as those of an angel. They really did take your soul away.
“I won’t shoot you Fluttershy. Nor will anyone for that matter. If you’re wondering about earlier, that was just an act meant to get you freed, that’s all.” I started untying her legs.
“Ww-heres Angel? Is he alright”
“He’s in good care, don’t worry.” I untied her legs and her wings. “There we go.”
She started crying again and suddenly hugged me. “Thank you.”
“No need.” I said. A hug from the cutest pony in all the known universes is worth a lot more then what I did.
“Now let’s go upstairs so we can finish the job you started. And by the way, my name is Erik.”
“Oo-ok. My name is Fluttershy.” we walked back upstairs and found Caffeine sitting on the floor opposite of the the couch smiling at Tricia. Fluttershy hurriedly tried to hide behind me as soon as she saw her.
I turned around kneeled and said “It’s ok, nobody is going to hurt you. Just come here and sit next to me, and everything is going to be alright.”
Tricia was looking at me in an odd way. I saw this and sat myself between her and Fluttershy. I looked at her and asked “What?”
“How...how can you be so nice to her?”
“Why not?”
“Well, I...I don’t know.”
“Look, I know you never really got the love and attention that you need and deserve, but why in God’s name did you unleash your anger on ponies? They’re not here to make mankind their slaves. They’re not here to hate. They’re here to help us and love us. Isn’t that right, Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy produced a meep sound.
“Oh yeah, I forgot they’re here to be cute as well.” I added.
“But, why? I mean, if they’re not gaining anything, why are they doing it?”
“Because that is their way. They evolved in a world in which there were little if no wars, plagues and no large scale natural disasters. Until recently they didn’t even know what murder is, let alone commit it. There were no coups against the Princesses, because they are immortal beings that took care of their people, and still are, unlike most of the politicians in this century. If you had grown up with your mother and father, wouldn’t you too have a better life, I ask you?”
“I guess...I guess I would.”
“Look you have trust issues. Probably due to you growing up with no one but yourself on the streets. Have you ever trusted anyone else in your life, or experienced a gift for no specific reason?” Caffeine interjected.
You could see she felt horrible. She turned to Fluttershy and said “I..I’m sorry. I just didn’t know what to do.”
Fluttershy leaned forward so she could see Tricia. “It’s okay. I’m sure you didn’t mean to do it. If I was told Equestria would disappear, oh, I don’t know what I would do.”
“But...But I beat up your pet rabbit, tied you up in the basement and tried to make your entire race surrender to me.” Tricia started to cry.
Fluttershy flew over me and hugged Tricia. “It’s okay. I’m sure that you didn’t really mean it when you did all those horrible things.” It looked so...well in lack of a better term - d’aww.
Tricia sniffed and started to calm herself “You really are the element of kindness. I don’t know, but I want to make it right. Is there anyway I can make it right to you?”
“Well, if you were a pony, I’d offer you to help me around my cottage with all my little cuties, but...” Fluttershy got interrupted by Tricia’s laughter.
“I think I’m ready to get myself ponified now. I might as well get a job.”
“Oh! That’s wonderful! I’m so happy right now I could-” and then she squeed. I almost got a heart attack. I quickly snapped out of it.
“Well, I’m happy that it worked out for all of us.” I stood up and walked up to the door with Caffeine following me. “After you, my ladies.”
They both got up and went to the door, and before exiting Tricia kissed my cheek and said “Thank you...everything.”
“Oh, all in the days work.” I almost left the house myself, but then I remembered a little item I could use “Oh Tricia? Do you mind if I take your laptop?”
“Oh go ahead. I didn’t use it much.”
I swiftly went to the kitchen and took the laptop. It might help out James and me in our knowledge accumulating project.
When I left the house Caffeine was waiting by the rusty car with the girls.
“Well then. Let’s get going, shall we?”
We started walking to the Ford. On our way there Caffeine asked me “What do you need the laptop for?”
I smiled and said “Eh, James and I have this little project of gathering all humanity’s knowledge. Every little bit counts.” I tapped the laptop.
Soon we were at the Ford and as a gentleman I had to do my thing. I opened the doors for both Tricia and Fluttershy in the back. I then opened Caffeine’s driver seat, had him sit down and buckle him up. I entered the car last.
“James, take us home.”
“Do you mean the airport, sir?”
I sighed “Yes, I mean the airport.” and then I chuckled.
The car started moving. As soon as it did I “You see what you made me do, Caffeine? I started calling your airport home.”
“Anything for an old friend. And it’s not my fault I made you an incredibly nice welcome party.”
“I’m sure it isn’t.” I turned my head back and told the girls “We’ll be at the airport in about a few hours. I hope you enjoy the ride.”
“Ok, Erik. I’m sure we’ll find something to pass the time.”
I turned back and started watching the road in front of us. I was listening to the girls talk about all sorts of things. Mostly about their lives up until now. Fluttershy told the story how she got her cutie mark and so on. It was interesting to hear it in person. Tricia told Fluttershy what she told me about her life. I really think those two can help each other. Caffeine fell asleep after about a hour. When everyone was asleep I plugged in the laptop into the car so James can access the data from it.
“Anything interesting, James?”
“Not really, sir. Just a few small new things about the Human Liberation Front and a guide on how to fix a classic induction stove.”
“Well, alright. Anything is better than nothing.”
After another few hours we finally reached the airport again. Instead of parking at the parking lot, James managed to find a way and park it right next to the airplane that got me here. I woke up the ladies and Caffeine. “Ok everypony, we’re here.”
I swiftly got out of the car and opened the door for both Fluttershy and Tricia who came out yawning.
I opened Caffeine’s door, but he was still sleeping. I had a pretty nice idea. I started scratching him behind his ear. He started moving his legs and arms and kept saying “Oh, yeah. That’s the spot.”
I started laughing as if somebody just told me ten really good jokes in a row. He then woke up and saw me laughing uncontrollably. “What is it, Erik?”
“Oh, nothing Jake, just nothing.” after calming a bit I unbuckled him and we proceeded to the infirmary where we thought we might find Twilight and Angel. But, as soon as we entered the building, everypony we passed started clapping, or rather, clopping to us.
“Why are they clopping to us?” Fluttershy asked.
“I have no idea.” I answered.
“I guess news about you being captured, Ms.Fluttershy, got spread fast. So I guess seeing you here means everything went alright and you’re saved.” Caffeine said.
“Wow, did I really cause all of this?” Tricia asked.
“Yea....” Caffeine and I said.
As we found our way to the infirmary the halls filled with the clopter of the cheering ponies
Twilight heard the clopping and steps behind her. So she turned around and started saying “Can’t you see he needs peace and-” she then realized it was Fluttershy. “-quiet?”
“Hello Twilight.”
“Fluttershy!” she immediately ran to Fluttershy and hugged her. “I was afraid I wouldn’t see you ever again!”
“I know, I’m sorry I made you worried. Erik and Caffeine were nice so it all ended up nicer.”
“I’m glad it did. Do you want to check on Angel? He’s doing fine. Just a little bruised up.”
“Oh, he’s a tough little bunny, I’m sure he’ll make it. But best if I nurse him. You know how he gets grumpy if you don’t get his food just right.”
Twilight giggled. “Yes, you’re right.” she then turned to me and Caffeine “I’ll leave you two alone then. I’ll see you later, Fluttershy.”
“Bye Twilight. Now, where are the band aids?”
Twilight left the room and closed the door behind her. “Well, I guess Equestria and I owe you two now.”
“Don’t be silly Twilight. It was an adventure and a pleasure for us both. You don’t need to repay us.”
Caffeine flew up to ear height and whispered something into my ear.
“Oh, but Caffeine wants one of those blimp-yacht thingies.”
Twilight laughed “I’m sure I’ll be able to arrange something.”
Tricia was soon able to break through the crowd that had gathered around us.
“Wow, I never saw so many ponies in one place.” She said.
“Erik, who’s this?” Twilight asked.
“Ehm, this is Tricia McMillan, she was Fluttershy’s captor. Don’t worry though, we got it all settled and she’s accepted ponification.” I said.
“Good to hear, Ms.McMillan. I’m sure you won’t regret it.” Twilight responded.
“I’m sure I won’t. Fluttershy already agreed that I’ll work at her cottage after everything has been done.”
“That’s great! I’m glad you managed and hope you’ll have a great life as a pony.”
“Well, I’m sure it will be better than my human one.”
I yawned “I think I’ll be going to be early. Good night everypony. And Tricia.”
“But, Erik, I think they wanted to throw another feast in your honor.” Caffeine pointed out.
“Caffeine, I think a feast in my honor is a thing that could be done once every four years. Not every other day. And besides, I really feel like your coffee has worn off and honestly, I’m barely on my feet. But you have fun, okay?”
“Okay, I guess we’ll manage. Good night Erik.” Caffeine grinned at me and then hopped away to the some other ponies.
I squeezed myself out of the crowd and exited the building. I just barely made my way to the control tower and into the room Caffeine gave us. As soon as I closed the door behind me I fell into the bed and said “Hello, Miss Pillow. I hope you missed me as much as I’ve missed you.” and then promptly fell asleep, despite the fact that the entire airport sounded like one big boombox now. But after about twenty minutes of slumber, Twilight teleported herself into the room with a large bang.
“Ouch... that seemed better in my head.” she said.
“Yeah, teleporting can be tricky I guess.” I said with my face stuck in the pillow. I lift it up and then asked “But never mind that, what is it Twilight? The party doesn’t sound like it has ended yet.”
“No, the party’s excellent. Considering Pinkie Pie didn’t make it.”
“Well, no surprise there.”
“Anyway, I just wanted to thank you once more for saving Fluttershy. I don’t know what I would have done if I lost her here.”
“It would be a tragedy, I’m sure. But, really, it’s no big deal Twilight. I was surprised how easy it was in fact. I was expecting a man with booby traps, mad ideas and an arsenal of weapons at his side. But instead, I found a young girl who just never saw kindness. Not that I want Fluttershy being captured by a bloodthirsty madman, but this situation, I’m sure anyone could have taken care of it. ”
“Well, nevertheless, I’d like to thank you once more.” Twilight approached the bed and kissed my cheek. It was a very odd feeling being kissed by a pony. Both strange and warm at the same time.
“I’ll be going back to the party now, so-” Twilight started leaving.
“Ehm, Twilight, can I have a word with you for a second.” I interrupted.
“Sure, go ahead.”
“Well, Twilight, I don’t know how to put this, but, even though you and your kind were here for two decades, I still feel astounded and surprised you’re here.” I paused for a moment “And, I might be going a little overboard with stating this, but, when I was seventeen and the show still aired, I watched ponies not only because they symbolized the very essence of good morale and good in general, but I also watched them because they, well, you, were cute. And being hugged and kissed by you just seems, well, strange.”
“So you want me to stop hugging and kissing you?”
“Kissing, yes, hugging, not necessarily.”
She started laughing “Ok Erik. I promise I won’t kiss you anymore.”
“Can I get a hug, though?”
She hugged me. Here comes that d’aww feeling. “Of course you can.”
“Thanks Twilight. Now, go on, the party's waiting, and I need to get some sleep” I yawned.
“Okay,” she giggled “I’ll see you in the morning. Good night.”
“Good night Twilight, and have fun.” and she blinked out of sight yet again. I went to sleep once more, with the sensation of being hugged by a pony again. I don’t know what’s with me and hugs. It’s like drugs, but without the side effects. And being hugged by ponies is like a near overdose. Yep, it was good day to be a brony. But, then again, every day is a good day to be a brony. But this one was one of those when it’s especially nice to be a brony. And then I fell asleep, once more.
The Conversion Bureau: A Boy and his Dream
Chapter 4
A dreamless night. Maybe it was for the best. I do find those the most refreshing. I was so tired yesterday I didn’t take off my clothes or glasses. In all the excitement I barely ate anything. I woke up with a growling stomach. Surprisingly, my glasses were still on my head. I turned my head towards Twilights bed to see how she was. But to my surprise, in her bed was Ms. McMillan. In the confusion I got up into a sitting position, on my bed, and just wondered where Twilight was. After thinking for a minute, I started looking around for a note or something. I’m sure Twilight wouldn’t leave without leaving a message. And turns out I was right. On the floor, next to my bed, there was a small letter. I picked it up and unfolded it. It read:
Dear Erik,
I’m sorry I couldn’t stay for a proper goodbye, but, after sending your letter and my report to Princess Celestia, she requested that Fluttershy, Angel, and I be immediately teleported to Canterlot. I think that you know just as well as I do, that you shouldn’t keep the Princess waiting. I’ll be back in about two or three days, a week at most, to continue my duty to find the last human remaining, and try to convince him to get ponified. Also, make sure Tricia makes a smooth transition to ponydom. When I get back she’ll be administered the serum. And I’ll also be bringing two additional vials for you and him. I’ll see you soon.
Your friend, Twilight Sparkle
Her friend...heh...I have a letter from Twilight Sparkle where she clearly states that I am her friend. This goes into the safe deposit box. Provided I find the bank in Equestria where I had opened up an account. I’ll just put it into my pocket for safe keeping until I do. I don’t know, but it seems as if everyone sleeps more than I do. Probably a habit. Well, I’ll try not to wake her up.
I then walked out of the room. It looked like Caffeine didn’t have a training session today, as I couldn’t hear the same yelling and shouting from the room above. I headed for the mess hall, being hungry and all. On the way there I checked my watch for the time and to my surprise, it was just seven o’clock.
When I arrived at the mess hall, there was no pony there, except for some of the kitchen staff. I leaned in over the counter and asked “Hello? Is there anypony there? I’d like to get some breakfast if possible.”
A red unicorn with dark red mane and green eyes appeared from behind some shelves. “Oh, ehm. I’m sorry sir. The kitchen doesn’t open till eight o’clock. And I have yet to fetch the supplies from Peary.”
“You grow your own food here? Where did you find a patch of land? It’s nothing but asphalt and concrete for miles.”
“Oh, uhm, as much as I know, a few larger chunks broke off and some of the earth ponies were able to pull them out.”
“I guess that makes sense. Ehm, do you mind if I follow you there? I’m quite hungry and I guess I could go for some fresh fruit or vegetables.”
“Not at all, Mr. Eriksson. I’ll come out in just a moment. Just wait for me over there by the door.” he gestured at the kitchen door on the right.
“Over there?” I pointed at the same door.
“Yes, over there.” and he was back behind the kitchen shelves.
I walked to the door and leaned against the wall. In a minute or two the red unicorn walked out the door.
“Okay, follow me Mr. Eriksson. Peary grows the best crops outside Equestria, no exaggerations. And, in case you didn’t figure it out by now, her pears are divine.”
“I’m sure they are...ehm. Say, what’s your name?”
Even though she was red, you could clearly see she blushed from the embarrassment. “Ehm, Chilli Pepper, Miste-”
I chuckled “Just call me Erik, Ms. Pepper. There’s no need to be formal around me.”
“Okay. As I said before, follow me. It’s on the other side of the airport. But I know a few shortcuts, so we’ll be there in no time.”
I once again walked across the vast halls of the airport. Some ponies were preparing to open up their shops, some ponies just started waking up, and others were still sound asleep. It’s quite marvelous how ponies adapt just like humans do. All these modifications, conversions and such, like the beds they slept on, made out of old chairs and furniture they found at the airport. The old duty free shops converted into new businesses like carpentries, day care centers, schools...Only the mess hall seemed to have stayed a mess hall. Luckily they changed ownership from McDonalds, Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken and all that to ponies with actual talent in cooking.
Soon, I was standing in front of a beautiful green orchard full with apples, pears, oranges, peaches, etc.. I saw a pear just within grabbing distance. I stood up on my toes and and just barely managed to grab it. It was colored somewhere between yellow and green. Just right, to my taste. I took a bite. The taste. The taste was amazing. Magnificent. Even when I was a kid and fresh fruits and vegetables were abundant, they never tasted even nearly as good as this pear. The only crops humanity grew was a modified version of wheat for those artificial food bars. Quantity over quality. And even then, someone managed to screw it up and creates a sort of wheat that was not edible, non-refinable, not even bacteria could eat it away. And every time they burned the fields filled with it, it just regrew. By then, only people with a lot, and I mean a lot , of money could afford a steak, and fresh vegetables. Luckily several months after, Equestria emerged in the Pacific Ocean and happily gave us the food we needed to survive.
Yes, this pear was amazing. “This is marvelous, Pepper. How can something be so delicious?” I wondered.
“Why, thank you! I grew them just yesterday.” said an unfamiliar voice from behind.
“Oh, there you are Peary, are the supplies ready to go?” said Pepper.
“Not yet, I’m afraid. Piper and Peer haven’t been able to load up all the supplies. I just barely got them out of their beds.” said Peary.
“Yeah, well, it was a hell of a party yesterday.”
“Party? Oh, yeah. I totally forgot about that. I was busy tending my pears.”
“Even at night? Wow, Peary, you never cease to amaze me.”
“Well, I do love my pears. And I need to keep up with the orders. I think I’ll need to expand a little more. I’ll probably have the brothers dig up another chunk of the concrete.”
“Ehm, excuse me?” I interrupted the conversation. “But, did you just say that you grew these pears yesterday?”
Peary turned to me and said “Why, yes. I usually have them mature for a few days more on their own, but they aren’t bad if they were just grown either.”
“So, you’re saying that you grow crops daily? I mean, I know you ponies are quite magical, but this I’d have to see to believe.”
“Well, I have to regrow some of the tomatoes. You’re free to accompany me if you’d like.” she said.
“I’d love to, but I already told Ms. Pepper here, that I’ll be helping her carry the supplies to the kitchen.”
“Oh, that’s okay. You go ahead and help Peary. I’ll manage with the two.” said Chilli Pepper.
“Well, if you insist. “ I said.
Peary and I parted with Chilli Pepper and went to the part of the farm where she was growing her crops. We went through the orchard and we found ourselves in a small field filled with sticks entangled with vines, but no fruit. Peary stopped and said “We’re here. Let’s get to work!”
“I’m still skeptical about this whole grow a tomato from scratch in one day thing.” I said.
“Then let’s get to work, shall we?” she said with a cheer. In a moment, she started singing. Tomatoes started appearing on the vines. A process usually taking several months, done in a couple of seconds. Magnificent.
“I can’t say I believe my eyes. This is extraordinary!” I put my hand on my mouth in the cheerful shock.
“Do you want to try?” she asked.
“Erm, what? Me?”
“Well, I don’t see anyone else here.”
“Well, to hell with it, why not!” But I didn’t have the slightest of idea what to sing, so I asked Peary “Ehm, could you perhaps start with something? I don’t really know what to sing.”
She giggled “Okay.”
She started singing a familiar tune, Smile, smile, smile . I guess Pinkie’s songs became a worldwide hit at some point. The tomatoes on the left portion of the field started growing. I joined in a few second later. At first quietly, but soon after with full lungs. By the end of the song the entire field was filled with red tomatoes.
“I have to say, you have quite the voice there Mr. eh...” she paused for a moment “Say, you never did tell me your name.”
I blushed “I do apologize, Ms. Peary, I guess that I forgot to introduce myself after such a long time alone. I hope you do forgive me, my name is John Eriksson. But I prefer that everyone calls me Erik.”
“Okay, Erik, could you please get one of those bags and put some tomatoes in it? I just remembered I forgot to give Pepper a bag o’ tomatoes.”
“Not a problem. I guess I could use that breakfast she promised me.” I said as my stomach growled.
I went to get a bag while Peary started picking some tomatoes. We filled it up in a moment’s notice. A good seven to eight kilos it was. Before I left for the cafeteria I felt the need to commend Peary for her excellent work. “Peary, I really like what you’re doing here, and I hope you keep doing it.” I said.
“Thank you Erik, but it’s really nothing. Any earth pony can do what I did. “ she said.
“Nevertheless, you’re doing an excellent job, and I’d hate to see you do something you were not destined to.”
“I wasn’t thinking of it. You know, you’re quite a nice, ehm, human.”
“That’s who and what I am. Can’t help it.” I smiled.
I carried the bag of tomatoes to the cafeteria. A lot of the ponies were headed the same way, most likely to get breakfast, like me. As I approached the cafeteria, I heard Chef shouting at somebody and I saw a large line in front of the counter.
“I can’t believe you forgot the tomatoes! How can I make grilled tomatoes without the tomatoes!” he shouted.
“I told you it’s not my fault! Peary must have forgot to fill up one of the bags with tomatoes...”
“I don’t care! I need tomatoes, and I need them now! I can’t have all these ponies starve because we don’t have tomatoes!”
“Then why don’t you cook what we have?!”
“It’s a matter of principle!”
I slid through the crowd and put the bag of tomatoes on the counter. A tomato rolled out the bag which caused the two to stop shouting.
“You know, you two look like the best of couples.” I said.
They both blushed. “Anyway here are the tomatoes you need to grill Chef. And I guess I did help you carry the supplies after all, Pepper. Now, how about you make me and these hungry ponies some breakfast?”
“Right away, Erik.” they both said at the same time and blushed again as they did.
“I’ll have the special.” I said and sat down at one of the tables and rested my eyes for a little bit. After a while of daydreaming Tricia asked “Do you mind if I sit here, with you?”
“Oh, no no, go right ahead.” I straightened myself.
She sat down and said “It’s quite the party they had yesterday. Pretty awesome if you ask me. They even had alcohol.”
“Sounds like you had quite the fun. I’m glad.” I said. Just as Tricia was going to say something, Pepper brought me my breakfast.
“Here you go Erik. Grilled tomatoes with peppers, pear and apple salad.”
“I say, this looks mighty delicious Pepper. My compliments to the chefs.”
“Thank you, and you, miss? Would you like to order something?”
“Yes, ehm, do you have some hot dogs or something? Or a ham sandwich?”
“Eh...I, uh, we don’t, eh-” I interrupted Pepper. “What Pepper here is trying to say is that ponies don’t eat meat. They’re herbivores or vegetarians, you see.”
“Oh, right, I’m sorry I forgot. Well, then, the fruit salad looks pretty nice.” apologized Tricia.
“Coming right up.” said Pepper.
After Pepper left Tricia said “Well, if I’m going to go pony, I’ll have to change a lot except just my body.”
“Heh, it isn’t as hard as it seems. Or so I heard, from some of the Conversion Bureaus. The thing is mainly that the food has some taste unlike the cardboard we have been given for the most of our lifetimes, or at least yours.” I said.
She still seemed uncertain. “Look, you’ll be alright. It all comes in the package. People wouldn’t bother if it was a tough process to go through.” I said to comfort her.
“Yeah, you have a point. Did you see that lavender unicorn from yesterday, with whom you introduced me yesterday. I kinda forgot her name, but she really seemed like a pony who knows things.”
“Oh, Twilight? Yeah, she left me a letter. She had to go to Canterlot to discuss something with the Princess. She’ll be back with your vial of serum in a week at maximum.”
Tricia was shocked “A-a week? Just a week?”
“Calm down, calm down. Don’t worry, some people at the Conversion Bureaus became ponies the first morning of the next day they arrived. Of course they might have been more mentally prepared for it, but that’s why I’m here to help you out.”
“Thanks...Erik.”
“Not a problem at all. Now, let me eat my breakfast, I’ve been tempted ever since it arrived.”
She laughed “Okay, don’t let me bother you.”
“Thank you.” And so I chowed down into the grub . It was excellent just as the pears in the orchard. Some long dead taste buds reawakened as well. As I finished up my breakfast, the smell of the food started to faint, Tricia started to sniff something in the air.
“What, what is it?”
“Somethings smells awful. Can’t quite figure out what.” she said. I started to sniff the air as well, and immediately recognized it. It was me. The seventy-two hour deodorant had worn off.
“Ehm, would you please excuse me. I just remembered I have to ask Caffeine something. Enjoy your breakfast.”
“I will, thank you.” she said as I left the table.
I went to the counter to ask Chef if he knew where I could find Jake, erm, Caffeine Dash. He said that he should be arriving for breakfast any moment now, so I went looking for him in the crowd that was still steadily arriving for breakfast. I guess they had multiple supply runs, as there were just too much ponies to be fed of a couple of bags of fruit and vegetables. I found him in one of the corridors talking with a couple of pegasi.
“-we don’t want to see him near my little Cloudy.” said the female pegasus.
“Yes, you can take these filthy things-” the male pegasus gave the pilot uniform I gave to High Cloud to Caffeine. “-and tell him to stay away from our boy.”
“I don’t see what this hostility towards him is all about. He’s been my close friend for as long as I remember, and I can assure you he-” said Caffeine before he got interrupted by the male pegasus “We don’t want a human teaching him their ways! Period!” and with that the couple stormed off, leaving Caffeine with the uniform.
I approached Caffeine and asked “What was that all about?”
He sighed “Raincloud and Hurricane. They’re very xenophobic.”
“Do you know why?” I asked.
“They’ve read some human history and, well...you know how that goes.”
“Damn shame they read the wrong part of it. Maybe I should-” I got interrupted by Caffeine. “No, don’t try anything with those two. You’ll just make it worse, trust me. I tried. Anyway, how’s it going? Anything you needed of me?”
“Oh yes, I wanted to ask you where the showers were, and I guess if there’s a washing machine somewhere?”
“Eh, the showers are, well, it’s complicated, I’ll take you there. And the washing machine, ehm, I don’t think we have one. Ponies don’t wear clothes regularly remember?”
“Yeah I know that, but doesn’t hurt to ask. I guess I’ll just have to wear this smelly suit until the end of the world.” I laughed.
“What’s funny?”
“The end of the world ? Get it? Meh, nevermind, you’re a pony, you can’t get the joke.”
After a few second of thinking it over Caffeine said “Oh, right. Yes, very funny.”
“You’re just saying that so you don’t turn out dumb.”
“Maybeeeeeee...Din surströmmingsluktande apa .”
“Okay Caffeine, I know you always called me that, but I don’t bloody know what it means!”
“Why don’t you ask James?”
“Why don’t I-” I looked at my wrist phone. “Oh right...I could do that.” I the lifted my left arm toward my mouth and asked “James, could you please translate, ehm-” I lowered the wrist phone to Caffeine’s level so he could repeat the phrase into it. “-could you please repeat that, Caffeine?”
“Din surströmmingsluktande apa .” he chuckled.
“Yes, could you please translate that, James?”
“He said you, a monkey, smell like a traditional swedish dish, composed of rotten herring. According to the archives, it had the second or first place in most disgusting smell in the world.”
After hearing this, I sniffed my armpits “Well, I don’t think I smell that bad. But it does make sense that you wouldn’t call me your sunshine when I came into your lab and started complaining.” We both laughed.
After a while of walking around Caffeine and I reached the showers. It was pretty crowded. You’d think ponies don’t bathe so much, but the truth was quite the opposite I learned.
They even had soap. Some were scrubbing their backs with brushes, while others were just sitting under the showers, relaxing.
“The towels are over there-” Caffeine pointed to some stalls. “-and the soap and brushes you get under the showers.”
“Okay, and where are the changing rooms?”
He coughed several times. “Oh, right. No clothes.” I remembered. “Do you think you can perhaps find some clothes, so I don’t need to wear these dirty ones?” I persisted.
“Well, maybe there’s something in the old souvenir shops. I’ll have someone check. In the meantime-” He handed me the pilot uniform “-you can wear this.”
I nodded and he was off having breakfast.
I took off my clothes and glasses and put them on the floor in a small pile next to the towel racks. I went into the shower and adjusted the temperature to a mild thirty degrees Celsius. The interface was set a bit low, probably to a pony’s height. It was touch screen, so I guess unicorns adjusted it with their horns, while others adjusted it with a boop of their nose, or hoof. The soap had a nice peach scent to it. I started rubbing the soap against my chest and it really started to smell, well, peachy. It was really relaxing. After a few minutes of enjoying the shower I heard a mumbling voice.
“Can shomepony pleashe shcrub my back? Anypony? Pleashe?” said somepony with something in his mouth, as it sounded.
I thought why not and peeked out through the stall and asked
“Can somebody be eligible, as well?”
It was a white earth pony stallion with a light green mane, with a long brush in his mouth. As he heard me he turned around and was a bit shocked when he saw me. But that shock soon turned into a smile, as much as I could distinguish with the brush in his mouth, and entered my stall. I took the brush and asked “So, how do you do this? Soap the brush and then brush your back, or soap up your back and then brush, or brush without soap?”
“Whatever you think is best, monsieur Eriksson.” he said.
I put some soap on his back and started brushing “Well, looks like a lot of you ponies around here know my name.”
“Well, who wouldn’t know the name of the man who brought the serum which changed our lives.”
I looked at him with a Oh really? How many know my name for that? face.
“Okay, maybe I exaggerated a little...or a lot.”
“Yes, I think they remember me better by the fact that my company practically had fired a few hundred million people.”
“Yes, well, it’s still a honor to meet you, monsieur . I don’t know what would’ve become of me if I didn’t convert.”
“Oh? A convert? From France I’m guessing?”
“No, Canada.”
“Canada? Hmm, a solid country it was, I have to say. And it does explain the French”
“Yes, well, when the acid rain destroyed the forests and we couldn’t provide the world with maple syrup it all goes to rot, you know?”
We laughed at the joke.
“What is your name?”
“Nouvelle .”
“Well you’ll have to pardon me, I was never good at pronouncing French, Nouvelle .”
“Well, you pronounced it just right, right now.”
“Did I? Well, one nil for me then.”
“How come you didn’t get converted yet? I thought you’d be the first one to go pony, since you had the serum made.” said Nouvelle.
“Well, it’s complicated. I guess I just want to be the last one to leave ship. Always did, sometimes literally.”
“Hmm. Well too bad you won’t be able to undergo the entire Conversion Bureau experience. It’s really a unique thing in life.”
“Yes, well, that was my choice wasn’t it.” I paused for a moment, engulfed in thought. “What made you go to the Bureaus?”
“Well, I was a news reporter for a Canadian news channel, a really successful one at that, but after a few years I got an inoperable cancer diagnosed, so the serum is the only thing why I am alive. Eh, could you scratch me behind my left ear, s'il vous plaît ?”
I scratched him behind his ear and let out a laugh. “Merci .” he said with a relieved tone. “A one way road. Well, I consider life a good thing. No matter what form. I’m guessing by your name that your news reporter career continued in Equestria?”
“Mais certainement! But not in the way I hoped. I work in a small news agency in Canterlot and it’s good, however, I think the mayor newspapers are hogging the spotlight and getting all the fancy bigshot interviews, that the small news agencies can’t hope to arrange.”
“Well, that’s capitalism. It existed there long before we came to the scene.”
“Yeah, well, I’m hoping my next set of articles are going to change that. That’s why I’m here actually.”
“Oh? What’s it about?”
“A Pony’s Guide to the World . I’ve covered Equestria so far, and I’m about done with this place. I’ll try to get to San Francisco from here tomorrow.”
“Well, I wish you good luck Novelle. Maybe once I’m a pony you’ll want to interview the last newfoal?”
“That’s an excellent idea! I’ll have to remember to invite you to the agency then.”
“Thank you for the invitation, I’ll be sure to give you one heck of an interview.”
“Merci, monsieur .”
After that we got out of the shower. He shook off most of the water of himself, while I dried myself with the towel. I put my glasses and watch back on while I thought “What am I going to wear now? ”. All of a sudden a familiar voice rang through the halls.
“Erik, are you here?” Tricia shouted.
“Yes, ehm, I’m here. What is it, Ms. McMillan?” I peeked into the corridor with the towel wrapped around my waist.
“Coffee found some clothes and some hygiene products in one of the stores.”
“Eh, Caffeine. And thank you, Tricia. Could you please leave them on the floor over there. I don’t think I can carry all that with just one hand.”
“Yeah, sure. Also, what do you have in store for me today besides making me a vegetarian?”
“In store? Oh, ehm, I didn’t quite think about that, I’m afraid. If there’s a library somewhere around here-” I got interrupted by Tricia “There is.”
“Oh, okay then. Could you wait for me outside while I put some clothes on?”
“Okay. I thought ponies didn’t wear clothes though.”
“Well, in general they don’t, but I’m not a pony yet, am I?”
She smiled and then I picked up the things she brought me. It was mostly composed of sportswear and sport related merchandise, like the pair of Lakers boxer shorts and a Dodgers shirt. Some white socks and a stick of Old Spice Galaxy series ninety-six hour deodorant. I didn’t particularly like the smell of it, but it lasts as prescribed. I put on the shirt, boxers and socks on and then put my regular jacket and trousers on. True, it looked silly, but I liked the casual suit look.
I picked up the rest of my stuff and said “I’ll see you later, Nouvelle. Good luck in writing that article.”
The pony was drying himself with a towel now and said “Merci, monsieur Eriksson. And I’ll make sure I arrange an interview with you.”
I smiled and waved goodbye. Tricia was waiting for me outside as I told her.
“Who’s your friend?” she asked.
“Oh, just someone I met under the shower.” I thought about that sentence one more time after I spoke it out. “Eh, it’s not how it sounds.”
She laughed. “Okay, you don’t look like the type. To the library then?”
“Well, let’s first go to my plane to leave this stuff there.” I raised the rest of my clothes and the pilot uniform to clarify the word ‘stuff’.
“Okay.”
After getting lost a few times in the jungle that is, or was, LAX, and after asking for some directions, we finally made it to the airplane. I put the uniform on the coat hanger where I found it and the other things I put underneath it. I checked if everything was okay with James on the onboard computer and left. Tricia was admiring the plane from the outside.
“Do you like my plane, Tricia?”
“Does it still fly?”
“Yes, it’s how I got here with Twilight.”
“The lavender unicorn?”
“Yes, the lavender unicorn. And to tell you the truth, I think we’ll be using it a few more times until I get converted.”
“Why do you think that?”
“I don’t know, but I don’t think that humanity is going to go down this easy. Sure it was a rough twenty years, but I’ll never think it won’t go down without a last stand.”
“Well, there’s just a few of us now-”
“Three, to be exact.” I interrupted Tricia.
“-three of us now, and as you probably know that neither of us will do anything. I guess if you’re right, it’s up to the third, isn't it?”
“Yes. Well, enough chit chat, ready to go to the library?”
“Well, can’t say I am, but let’s go.”
We went to the library, which from what Tricia told me, was in the main ‘shopping street’ one would say. It was of course the airports old duty free zone. The library was possibly the old bookstore, where people bought books before their flight to pass the time. After several minutes of walking we were at the library. We both entered and I told Tricia to sit down at one of the tables, while I asked the librarian for some of the necessary books. The librarian was a light blue female unicorn with green hair.
“Hello there, may I help you?” asked the librarian.
“Yes, ehm, I’m looking for a particular set of books. You see, we’ll be getting converted and I need to teach the young lady over there a thing or two about Equestria so that the transition goes as smoothly as possible. Would you be able to recommend me and lend me the books?”
“Certainly, sir. Let me go gather them up.” She left the counter and went between the bookshelves. After a few minutes she was back with a stack of books
“That’s a lot of books.”
“Well, most of these are just different publishers of the pretty much same thing, I’ll make sure I give you the ones I recommend most. I just brought them all here to tidy up.”
I picked up a bright yellow soft-cover book. “Ponies for Dummies ?”
“Oh, that’s a nice one, but there are better and simpler books.” I put the book back on the pile. After a while of sorting, the librarian had a small stack of about seven books. “There. After you two read these you’ll know everything you need to know about Equestria.”
“Thank you. Do you mind if we read them here? We’ll probably be returning here for the next couple of days as well.” I said and picked up the books.
“Of course. And if you have any questions, feel free to ask. Just remember you’re in a library so please stay quiet. “ she pointed out.
“Will do. Thank you for your help.”
“No problem, enjoy the books!” she smiled.
I took the books and started going through them to see what I’ve got. There was ‘Basic Pony Biology’, ‘Basic Equestrian Geography’, ‘Simplified Equestrian History’, ‘The Princesses of Sun and Night’, ‘Equestrian Culture and its Differences’, ‘A Convert’s Guide to the Conversion Process - Mental Preparation’ and a copy of ‘Your New Life - A Visual Guide’. Quite a nice selection of books. Ponies really cared that the humans who underwent conversion be prepared and relaxed for the procedure. I sat down next to Tricia and put the stack of books on the table.
She was a bit worried.
“We’re going to read through all that?” she asked.
“Yes. Don’t worry we have several days, and nobody said you need to read all of these while you’re still human. If we don’t read them all until you get converted, you’ll finish up afterwards. But, I think you’ll want these two first.” I handed her the convert’s guide and the visual guide.
“So, is there going to be a test or something when I get there, or?”
“Of course not, but it’s in your best interest to know these things, so you can adapt. That’s what we humans always excelled at, isn’t it?” I smiled and started reading the book about culture. It was quite interesting, but nothing much that I didn’t already know. Nevertheless, it is always good to fortify your knowledge and make sure you have your facts straight.
After reading for about three hours, it was lunch time. We left the books on the table, marking where we left off, and went to the cafeteria. I had myself a pepper sandwich, made by Red Pepper, of course, and Tricia had some cheese filled zucchini. It was quite tasty, as I’ve said many times before. After that we went back to the library and continued on reading where we had left off. Tricia had an occasional question or two,that I was able to answer, and the occasional complaint how books are boring which always ended with me saying “If you don’t read them you’ll end up being socially awkward and just plain strange over there. Is that what you want?”. After that she usually just kept on reading. After a while I was done with my first book and then started reading ‘The Princesses of Sun and Night’.
It was a really interesting book, it explained everything regarding the Princesses and their role in pony society. It featured several interviews with both Luna and Celestia as well. It really let you know what kind of ponies they were. Nothing new to me, as was with the previous book. When I was halfway through the book, Caffeine entered the library.
“Hello, Erik. Did you enjoy your shower this morning?” he asked.
“Yes, I did Caffeine. Thank you for asking. To what do we owe the pleasure?”
“Well,-” Caffeine got interrupted by the librarian. “Quiet down, please.”
He continued a bit more quiet “Well, I just had dinner and noticed you weren’t there so I wanted to let you know dinner is ready, or, well, almost over.”
“Thanks Coffee.” said Tricia and closed her book.
“It’s Caffeine.”
“I know, Coffee.” she said.
Caffeine sighed “Are you coming, Erik?”
“No, I don’t feel hungry right now. You go right ahead, I want to finish this book.”
“Okay, we’ll see you later then.” said Caffeine.
“Yeah, see ya’ later.” said tricia.
“Yes, yes, enjoy the meal Tricia.” I said. They left and I continued on reading.
The book soon got to the part where it does not only talk about Celestia and Luna, but where it talks about alicorns in general. It said that alicorns were always there and always cared for the three other races. Since the beginning of time the three other races worshipped alicorns, but during the middle ages they realized that they, because of their traits of all three races, are best suited to lead them all, and that’s how Equestria was made. It is said that every pony has a chance to be an alicorn at birth, but the chances are so small that to this day, not one such case was recorded. It explains that human researchers were able to identify the alleles for Pegasi, Unicorns, Earth Ponies and Alicorns, but that the Alicorn allele is so recessive that the only real chance of a pony to be born an Alicorn is if one of the two mates was an Alicorn. It also talked about their power, giving the example of Celestia and Luna who are capable of moving celestial bodies on the sky. That’s how it works in Equestria, but they haven’t tried it on Earth for the old saying goes ‘Don’t fix something that isn’t broken’. Ever since they have been on Earth, they could fully focus on their subjects and their needs, for they didn’t need to spend their energy on moving the heavens. The book also said that the very power that is used to move the celestial bodies and cast spells of unthinkable magnitude, is also the power that made them immortal, which also explained why unicorns live the longest of the three races. As I read through the lines tears began flowing down my cheeks as I read a fact I have so many time realized on my own during my life. I kept re-reading the lines that made my weary eyes weep even as I fell asleep in the armchair.
The Conversion Bureau: A Boy and his Dream
Chapter 5
I woke up that morning without any sorrow, without any regrets, but only joy. I didn’t know why. I figured I’d dreamt of something so beautiful and heavenly that it had overwhelmed me with joy. It is a shame I couldn’t remember it. Not even a hint of it, but I was happy my day started on the right foot. I woke up with a blanket on me. I’ll have to guess the librarian didn’t want to wake me up and didn’t want me to catch a cold.
I slowly got up and stretched out a bit. I looked around and saw the librarian already working behind her desk. I decided I’d thank her immediately and went straight to her desk, although a little slow considering I just woke up. As I approached her she noticed me.
“Good morning, Mr. Eriksson. Had a late night book, did we?” she asked.
I chuckled “Yes, it was quite the book, people would say. I’d like to thank you for taking care of me when I fell asleep in your library, as well as apologizing for doing so in the first place.”
“Oh not a problem. In fact, I wished more ponies fell asleep in the library while reading a book. It isn’t as visited as I’d like it to be.”
“How come?” I asked.
“Well, the selection is relatively limited, it contains only the most basic books with a few personal additions, as well as some donations, but pretty much what you can find here, you can find in any library in the world. So the ponies that pass through tend to do just that. Pass through that is. And the ponies from around here either can’t, don’t want to, or they already read everything in the library.” she said.
I thought about it a few second before a thought came into my head. “Well, I might help you with the selection. As you know Twilight Sparkle is a good friend of mine and I’m sure she’ll be glad to supply the library with some more books.” but then I remembered that the world would end in a month, so it was pointless persay to have some books shipped from Equestria to Los Alicorn. But I decided to go with it, since nobody but a few outside Equestria knew that it was going to happen. And when it would they would probably be alerted in time. “Anyway, did Ms. McMillan or Caffeine Dash drop by this morning?”
She smiled with glee when I told her about my idea “Oh, thank you, thank you, Mr. Eriksson. I’d be eternally grateful if you did ask!” she then calmed down as I asked my other question “Hmm, no, they didn’t. But you should probably go and get some breakfast, it’s a bit late already.” she pointed at the clock on the wall.
“Well, I wouldn’t want to miss the most important meal of the day.” I smiled and went to the mess hall. At that point almost all of the tables were empty, and Chef had already started resting at a table near the counter. The kitchen was filled up with dishes and and the bins were filled up with trash. Some chairs and tables were in a disorderly state. I fought my way through the chairs and tables and sat next to Chef when I noticed he was sleeping. I observed his snoring for about a minute or two stifling the urge to laugh. I then gently poked his nose for no apparent reason. He didn’t react to it much, except for a small scratch. I then proceeded to scratch the area behind his ear to which he replied “Yeah, that’s the spot. Crikey that’s good...”
“Yes?” I giggled slightly.
“Can you please stop scratching me? Not that I don’t like it mind you, but it doesn’t make us look very professional and, mind you, I do need to look professional.” I immediately stopped scratching.
“Sorry about that, don’t know what came over me. Anyway, I know I overslept a bit, but is there any chance of me getting some breakfast?”
“Well, there’s always something in the fridge, but it wouldn’t be fair of me to the other ponies, that were on time, to just give you breakfast.”
“Okay, okay, I know where you’re going with this. Yes, I will help you clean the dishes. Or rather I’ll help your crew clean the dishes, seeing you were snoring just a few moments ago.”
“What? I don’t snore.”
“Yes, yes you do.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Yes. You do.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“YES!” was heard from the kitchen. Red Pepper then appeared and continued “Yes, you do snore Chef and I can’t believe two grown colts, well erm, men or well, both, can argue like they’re children!” she chided.
After a good laugh and apologizing to Red Pepper, Chef had two tomato sandwiches made for me. They were delicious, as expected. After I ate the sandwiches Chef and I entered the kitchen where several ponies were doing various tasks.
“Alright, listen up. This here is my good friend Erik and he volunteered to help you lot with the dishes. So, Bill and Pepper, he’s all yours. Have fun, Erik.”
“Thank you, Chef.”
I went to shake hand and hoof with Bill, when I saw that he had a whiteboard and a couple of markers hanging down his neck. I figured I’d ask later and acted as if it weren’t there. He did seem a little frightened though. I then walked over to the dish washer.
“Here, put these on.” Pepper threw me a pair of latex gloves. “They were unused for quite a while, but I don’t think you’ll mind.”
“No, quite the contrary. Having my hands soaked for a few hours would be even less pleasant than wearing a pair of stale gloves.” I put them on and the waited for Pepper for some instructions.
“Okay, so, Bill here dips them into soapy water, I clean some of the hardened stuff with the sponge and you put them into the dishwasher, okay? When it fills up you let me know.”
“Got it.”
After getting comfortable with my new job I started talking to Pepper. “Well, Pepper, how’s it going?”
“Well, same old story, same old - cook, eat, wash, repeat.”
“I guess being a cook for a community this size doesn’t leave you with a lot of free time, does it?”
“No, but that’s why we change roles here in the kitchen every now and then. Usually every month or so, so we can get some nice shut eye. And the occasional volunteer is a nice break, of course.” she let out a smile.
“Well, I’m glad I made your day a little bit easier.” I looked at Bill soaking the dishes with his mouth. Bill was an earth pony with blue coat, lime green mane and tail and light blue eyes. He seemed a little bit on the down side of things. One thing that I didn’t notice right away, was that Bill didn’t have a cutie mark, which was strange considering he looked quite old enough not to have one.
“So, Bill, what about you?”
Bill looked at me silently, then picked up a whiteboard, grabbing a marker in his mouth and resting the board towards his hoof. He started writing and when he was done the whiteboard said:
“Fine. Thank you for asking.”
“Is there any particular reason you can’t talk? Or is your throat just hoarse?”
He then erased the whiteboard with a small washcloth. It was quite extraordinary that he could do all of that with his mouth. He wrote something else and now it said:
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Pepper looked at what he had written on the whiteboard. “Oh, sweetie, you don’t need to be scared of Erik over here. He’s not going to hurt you.” she comforted him.
“What’s wrong Pepper? Is it something I did?”
“No, it’s just that...well...” she paused for a second engulfed in thought and then asked
“Is it okay if I tell him?”
He again erased and re-wrote on the whiteboard: “Okay.”
“Well, Bill here had some unfortunate events with humans before.” said Pepper.
“Really? What kind of unfortunate events?” I furrowed a brow.
“Well, some anti-pony gang caught him shortly after he left the conversion bureau and cut out his tongue. Poor thing didn’t stand a chance. He didn’t even decide for a name for himself or earn his cutie mark by then. Being mute has a lot of limitations as you could probably imagine. He came here, what was it Bill? Two years ago?”
Pepper looked at the blue earth pony and he nodded in response.
“Yeah, he didn’t say much about what happened in between, but it doesn’t matter anyways. The only important thing is that he came here and found something to do. Even though it isn’t that special something...”
I stared at Bill aghast by his story, he had turned the opposite way looking at Pepper for comfort. I tried to think of something fitting and comforting to say but wasn’t able to come up with anything. In the end I stayed silent. To which Pepper asked “Erik?”
“Yes, Pepper?” I said almost whispering.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine thank you.” I showed her a forced smile.
“You don’t look very fine...was it something I said?”
“No...well...yes. It was Bill’s story really. Every time someone reminds me of the fact...that...” I looked at Pepper for a good second or two and then took off the apron and just rushed outside the kitchen.
I was sitting on a bench overlooking the runways. This part of the airport was intended for smaller airplanes (judging from the lower jet bridges) and like most of the airport this one was completely devoid of planes and you could see the many houses around the airport itself.
“Mommy, mommy, look! That’s Mr. Eriksson!” a young colt shouted.
“It’s not polite to point at poni-I mean people. Lower your hoof Anthony!” said the mare.
“Oh, it’s quite alright. I’m not bothered.” I turned around and faintly smiled at the two.
“I’m sorry, he never saw a human before and when he heard that there’s one right here he had to know everything about you and really wanted to meet you.” the mother said.
“Does he now?” Oh Jake, and you said this wasn’t a human obsessed town.
“Well, I’ll have to disappoint the little guy. We’re not really all that special.”
The little colt approached me and said “Hello Mr. Eriksson. My name is Anthony, it is a pleasure to meet you.” he extended his hoof clearly for a handshake.
I handshook with him and said “It’s a pleasure to meet you too Anthony.” I returned my sight to his mother and said “I must say that your son is a very polite young colt.”
“Thank you. Now Anthony come along, we don’t want to be late for our appointment at the dentist’s.”
“Goodbye Mr.Eriksson.” yelled the young colt as he trotted off to his mother’s side.
“Goodbye...dear little pony.” I sat in depression once more.
After a while I heard two familiar voices behind me. It was Caffeine Dash and Chef. I didn't hear what they were saying, but after a while Coffee approached me.
"What's wrong, Erik?" he asked.
“Everything is wrong, Coffee. Everything is wrong.”
“Oh, how so? Do you feel like telling me?” Caffeine politely inquired.
“It just doesn’t seem right...that we were given such a chance.”
“You mean, you don’t think of humanity as deserving of the chance to start anew? Or was it something completely different, like the divine dessert we had today? Please elaborate.”
“The former Caffeine, the former. It just doesn’t seem right to me.”
“What doesn’t seem right? The fact that humanity has caused so much suffering throughout history and when we finally got the chance to restart and change our acting some chose to continue in the old ways. You aren’t really explaining yourself here.”
“Damn it Jake! We don’t deserve it! We outlived ourselves and you know it. If it weren’t for ponies we’d have died from the Red Plague or simply because of the lack of oxygen. And if that wouldn’t kill us we’d kill ourselves! And how do we repay them? We treat them as if they were just walking and talking pieces of meat. What kind of savages are we? We weren’t capable of evolving for the past five millennia. Quite the contrary, we devolved! There may have not been open wars including guns, bombs and tanks, but the corporations and banks sure were in a full scale war. Even we were at war Jake! Even we were at war!” I paused for a moment letting a tear down my cheek “As we enter Equestria we’re just going to screw it up like we did our world! I hate repeating myself Jake, but there’s nothing else to say.”
“Not really true. We can never know what the future holds, well except Pinkies ‘feels’ but thats just something else entirely. There is no way for us to know for sure that the influx of ponies with human standards will corrupt the entire pony society. I am also quite sure that Celestia and Luna wouldn’t allow violence or callousness among the convertees. These renegade groups you speak of. The aggressors in the conflict. How could you know that they are the basic human? In my eyes they are the anomalies who were born without compassion. I know because I have felt like that myself. Not proud of it but i have to admit. You are afraid of the past repeating itself? Sure, I can understand that. But hanging onto the past and never letting go is a good way to have it repeat itself. New convertees go through some social adjustments after becoming ponies, so that the culture shock would be lessened a bit before they were let out into the full society. Oh well you probably zoned out halfway there. I guess what I’m trying to say is.” Caffeine sighed heavily. ”Let go...let the past be the past but live in the illusion called the present.”
I chuckled “You always had a thing for stating the obvious so I don’t feel as stupid when I hear them. You’re right Jake about Celestia and Luna not allowing that to happen. I guess I always prepare for the worst, but I forgot to hope for the best and instead knew the worst was going to happen. I guess it’s just the sense of duty that makes me feel this way. All leaders must know all possible outcomes and prepare for as much of them as possible. I don’t know why I think of myself as a leader, because I’m obviously incapable of such a role.” I stood up and leaned against the glass.
Caffeine laughed a bit. “Leader? Since when did you shoulder the task of being humanity’s ambassador. No wonder you’ve been down. Sure you owned the biggest company and made it possible to be turned pony, but that was all years ago. There are almost no more humans left. Those who hid from the change are counted by the thousands. Erik there is no humanity left now. Just the empty husk after a long gone civilisation. You need to relax and just appreciate the work you’ve done to enable this. By the way didn’t you have one final mission to accomplish? Something about preserving what little intelligence humanity once had.” Caffeine nuzzled Erik’s side reassuringly.
“A civilization we grew up in Jake. A civilization that we grew up in. You know me, I’m pretty nostalgic. If the world didn’t end I’d probably buy myself a castle somewhere and live like a nobleman. And nobody can hide from the change Jake, noone. There are only three humans left on Earth. And I have to assume that the third one can’t close the door so to speak. And it’s up to me to do it. It’s just a formality, but still needs to be done. At least that’s what I think should be done and if I don’t do it, who will?” I slid down the glass and sat down on the floor. “
“Well if it will get you out of your blue to complete this one last arbitrary task then... What would you say to some company along the way? The school year is almost over and I could use a holiday after fifteen years of diligent work.”
“When does it end?”
“Whenever I say it is.”
“Wouldn’t that be unfair towards your students? Ending the school year a bit early like that?”
“Early?! Hah! I’d be ending it five years late. I haven’t had new students in quite a while and I recently received message from higher up that the school would have to temporarily move to a new location for a little while.“
“Well, if you really think you should do it, it would probably be a lot easier for me if I had you along my side all the time.” I scratched Caffeine behind the ear.
“I’ll have it sorted out by morning then.”
“Thank you, Jake. I could always count on you.”
“And you always will. One other thing I have to remind you again, try not calling me Jake anymore. I know it’s hard, but it’s just not who I am anymore.”
I chuckled “Right. I’ll try to, but you have to excuse me if I don’t.”
“You know I will.”
I patted Caffeine on the back and stood up. I went to apologize to Chef for rushing off like that. He forgave me, of course, but he said he wouldn’t be giving me a double portion of dessert tonight, to which I laughed. He asked if I’d want some lunch, but remembering that Tricia was probably still in the library waiting for me, I said I’d go get her first and then we’d both come for lunch. After that I went back to the library where I found Tricia reading the books that we rented earlier.
“So, how’s the reading going along?” I asked.
“Super. I just finished my third one and started the fourth.”
“Excellent. Would you like to catch a break and have lunch?”
“Sure, I’m a bit hungry anyways.”
She left the books on the table and we were off to the mess hall. We both ordered some spaghetti and sat down at one of the tables. We talked a bit about what she had read, I answered a few questions and after that we just talked about how ponies actually live in Equestria. I told her that her best bet would be to talk to one of the ponies that had actually lived there rather than me who had only watched a cartoon based on them a few decades ago. After a while I went to get our food and saw Pepper working at the counter. As soon as she saw me her ears drooped.
“Chef told me what happened, I’m sorry, I...” she said.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about, Ms. Pepper. I’m known to have emotional episodes here and there. Just a very bad habit of over-reacting. There’s not a pinch of your fault in it.” I said. She perked up, smiled and said “Well, if you say so. Have a muffin, but don’t tell Chef. I’m not supposed to give you an extra piece of cake tonight.”
I chuckled “Okay. My mouth is sealed.”
I turned around and found Tricia standing in front of another table. She probably took my advice and asked a few native Equestrian how life is over there. I turned back and watched the ponies prepare the food. Today it was macaroni and cheese with a side of green salad. I buried myself in deep thought until Pepper arrived and brought me our food. She then looked behind me and said “What’s going on over there?” she pointed her hoof at Tricia. I turned around and saw Raincloud and Hurricane yelling at her. And High Cloud was in front of her facing his parents. I ran towards them to try and put out the fire that had broken out. As I came closer you could hear the actual words.
“-she didn’t do anything to you! Why do you have to be so mean to her?!” High Cloud yelled at his parents.
“Cloudy, get over here! You can’t trust a human! She’ll just use you for her own selfish desires!” said Hurricane
“Son, your mother is right, get over here and let us handle this brute.”
“She isn’t a brute, all she wanted to ask me was what is Equestria like!”
“What’s going on here?” I intervened once I arrived.
“Oh look, another one. Come on High Cloud come over here and leave these barbarians to their bloody misdoings.” said Raincloud.
“I just wanted to ask them how’s it like in Equestria and then they started yelling at me how I’m not decent enough to speak to them.” Tricia replied to my earlier question.
“You have to tell them Mr. Eriksson! You’re not so mean like they think you are.” said the little colt.
I glanced at his parents and then turned towards them. “I’d be telling a lie when I’d say we weren’t warmongering beasts-” they smiled “-but I’d also be lying if I’d say that everyone was like that.” their smiles disappeared.
“If you don’t care to acknowledge that besides Adolf Hitler there was Mahatma Ghandi, that besides Stalin there was Martin Luther King, that there was the Union besides the Confederacy, that besides war there was science, art, love, friendship...then I have nothing more to speak to you about. We may have brought our planet to its demise, we may have succubmed to capitalism, but that doesn’t make us warmongering barbarians. Just like in Equestria, there are both ponies good-” I paused for a moment “-and less good.”
“How dare you speak to us like that you-” Hurricane got interrupted.
“How dare I? How dare you speak to me about how we are dumb and filled with bloodlust when you choose to ignore the majority who aren’t? How dare you judge us all based on a few? Look at your son, Mrs. Hurricane. Do you want him to learn how to hate humans? And teach him the very thing you hate about us? Hatred? You say you are better, but to me it seems you’re no better than our corporate leaders. Filled with both shit and themselves. If you pardon my expression.”
Both of them were shocked and speechless. They tried to say something, but as soon as the first letter came out they would close their mouths. After a while Raincloud was able to say “Sss-son, let’s go home.” High Cloud turned to me and was looking at me as if I were his big brother and he was awaiting my approval. I chuckled and nodded. Tricia stared at me.
“You sure showed them.” she said.
“I’m actually surprised myself how good that ended up being. But let’s have lunch before I have to do that again, okay Ms.McMIllan?”
“Sure. What’s for lunch anyway?”
“Macaroni and cheese with a side of green salad.”
“My favourite...wow.”
After that we sat down and enjoyed our food. We didn’t talk about the incident earlier, but I could see that she was a bit stressed about it. After we ate up our food I said “You know, this doesn’t change the fact that Equestria is much more pleasant to live in, despite there being both good ponies and less good ponies. I put the emphasis on less good because there really aren’t bad ponies, per say. You still don’t have corporations or politics which is pretty much what brought us here in the first place.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought. Thanks for saying it though. Makes me feel more secure in this decision.”
“I’ll sound like a salesman or something trying to sell you something that obviously doesn’t work, but, you won’t regret the decision.”
After we had cleaned up the table and started to leave when Caffeine arrived.
“Erik, would you mind explaining me why do I have two very upset ponies in my office?” he tapped his hoof against the floor.
“Well, what did you expect me to do when they started to shout at Tricia just for being human after she had asked a trivial question such as ’What’s it like in Equestria?’ ? I had to deal with them and frankly I think it ended up surprisingly good.”
Caffeine didn’t say something for several moments. “Well, if that’s how it was, then I guess I don’t have anything to argue with you about.”
“I certainly hope so. I don’t like arguing with friends.”
“Oh, I almost forgot-” he pulled out a letter out of one of his saddlebags which he wore when he was at work. “-this letter came in for you today. It’s from Twilight.”
“The Royal Equestrian Postal Service sure works fast.” I adjusted my glasses.
Dear Erik,
I’m almost done and should be arriving in two days. Your letter to the Princesses drew a lot of their attention, especially Princess Luna. Sadly, Princess Celestia has to finish up the preparations for the purification spell, but Princess Luna will be arriving with me. Your good friend, Twilight Sparkle.
I took off my glasses and almost let them fall out of my hand.
“What is it, Erik?” asked Caffeine.
“Pp-Princess Luna... She is cc-coming to visit us in two days.”
Caffeine broke out in a grin. “Are you serious?”
I nodded.
“Hay.”
The Conversion Bureau: A Boy and his Dream
Warning: In some opinions may contain: a Mary-Sue type main character; skilless self-insert and writing; religion; ultra-paragon way of thinking; way too perfect events and a crazy Swedish grammar nazi with a pony OC whose special talent is coffee.
As the warning above states, this story will probably not be a success. Even though, to be honest, I want it to be. But whether it is a success or not, I want it to be known, that this is how I imagine things, and how I imagine my reactions if all this happened. You may think after you’ve read it, that I repeat myself too often or that some characters have received more attention than others, and that some characters are “unbalanced” or “overpowered”. But this is how I think it would play out. And to be honest, if this was the situation I was in, this is how I think it would play out. I decided to write it after I have read “The Conversion Bureau: Last Man Standing” by Windchaser. It touched me so much, that I could not sleep the night after. The ending was the most heroic and sad thing a man could go through and that he could write and even though it was perfect, I cannot cope with an ending so sad. So I will dedicate a part of this story and redo the ending of the aforementioned masterpiece, to ease my thirst for a happy ending. Therefore, if this foreword, or the warning, have not discouraged you from reading my story, then I thank you and I, as the author, wish that you enjoy it.
Yours truly, Lord Chit Chat, (Eriksson)
Google Document Version for your convenience.
