I Don't Deserve Your Love

by -Haze-

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Sad
Length: 2720

Thorax's love addiction is a part of his very being. He may be different from his changeling brethren, but that doesn't change his primal instincts to feed off of love. It is what gives him life, after all.

The convulsions that Thorax gave off during his time hiding from the Crystal Empire were no flook, due to the large amount of love in the area. Instead, it's a changelings natural instinct to hunt down, and secure any love he or she can get their hooves on. The primal desire inside them driving them to commit any acts necessary to secure their precious food source

This has became painfully true to the friendly changeling, as he finds himself in a mental battle between himself and his body during the middle of the night.

Art by: InuHoshi-to-DarkPen

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-26 19:40:01 UTC

But You Give it to me Anyway

I’m so glad that I’m finally accepted for who I am, and no longer hunted down like a monster that’s only out to harm anything that gets in my path. It feels so good to be accepted, to have friends, and be able to eat as much love as I desire.

I really can’t thank Spike enough, it’s all through his efforts that I’m even able to walk around as myself, and not some imitation that I put up to hide that I’m secretly one of the most hated creatures of all of ponykind

Though, we might want to use the word hate loosely, because using me as an example, great things are to come from this new found alliance that’s soon to be forged between both our nations.

I just hope the queen will accept this as a way to move forward, and to help better ourselves for a brighter future. I can already feel the love… the sweet, delectable love.

I lurched and turned every which way on the bed I laid on, eyes twitching, and tongue lashing out of my mouth.

Damn it, damn it all. Why, why can’t I get a hold of myself. I have all the support I could possibly want, yet I still find myself unable to control these outbursts! It’s just… it’s just so hard to control myself, and I hate it! I wish it would just go away, but it won’t.

I curled up into a fetal position, and wrapped my forehooves around my hind legs, in order to try and get a hold of my body's functions. It didn’t work very well; I still felt the burning sensation inside me aching to come out to the surface. A primal instinct, that I wish I didn’t have, one that should never have been integrated into our genome to begin.

Why have I been cursed to desire love so much? It’s no longer love at this point, it’s like a drug, that I can’t live without. The more I have, the stronger this feeling in me grows. It’s not fair to them especially, they don’t deserve to be food; I don’t deserve their gratitude for my actions. I couldn’t control these desires in me to hunt down what I need to survive.

I was so glad when I made friends with Spike, but why must my instincts force me into a corner like a dog running away from some animal control pony? Why can’t I just be like them, having all the love in the world, and not being tortured because of it?

Oh, no. Here it comes again.

I tossed so hard this time, that I fell to the floor in a love addicted stupor. Not stopping there, I began to pound my head against the crystal floor, not stopping until the feeling inside me began to subside just a bit.

I coughed, and wheezed. Hissing, and growling in a pitiful pile of toxic love abuse repercussions. This carried on for some time, before I began to finally breathe normally again. I then Slowly tried to stand up, but I ended up failing and falling back down to the cold, hard floor.

Ugh, I really need to get of hold of myself. If not for me, then for them. My friends, especially Spike. He doesn’t deserve to see me like this, like he told me, I need to get a hold of myself.

It’s just… I was so glad that he decided to help me, and be my very first friend, that I didn’t tell him that this is just a part of me. A very messed up, and impure part of me, but a part of me nonetheless. Geez, I’m so thankful mother nature, your brilliance is surely one to be worshiped.

Oh no, it’s coming again. Why, why so soon? I just went through one wave, why do I have to suffer another one? It must be the high quantity of love in this nation, it’s so saturated with the delectable substance, that it enhances these convulsions.

I tried to stand again, trying to climb back up on the bed before I began to thrash around in a seizure like state again. I failed, though, the pulse that went through my body was too strong. My body was sent plummeting to the other side of the room, crashing into a dresser.

The air that was once in my lungs, found their way out of my body, as I began to cough and wheeze again. This time, however, it was much stronger, and it felt like my insides were tearing themselves apart.

I cried out in pain, but it only came out as a hoarse, nazily whimper, because there was no air in my lungs to give it life. I fell to the floor again after that, this time stomping my hoof onto the floor over and over again. It wasn’t of much use, though, I only managed to hurt my hoof, and not sate my growing desire for more love.

I despise this feeling, I loathe my body for defying what I tell it too, and I especially resent the actions it makes me do just to cure its sick, demented demands. I then felt a warm, yet somehow cold feeling wash down my face. Lifting a hoof to my face to see what it was, I was greeted by a sticky wet sensation. Oh, it’s just my tears, coming to greet me as if they were gonna help.

No, I shouldn’t ignore their presence, at least they push that feeling inside me away, and replace it with another well known feeling of mine. Yes, anguish, I know that all too well after almost dying of starvation in those frigid mountains. Sometimes, it’s hard to tell which feeling is worse, they both seem to tear you apart from the inside out.

Okay, I got myself under control now, at least to an extent. Now it’s time to make my way over to the bed, and tuck myself in so tight, that there’s no way I can fall out again.

That’s when I heard footsteps; the distinct and familiar pitter-patter of a certain friend of mine. Oh no, he can’t see me like this, if he comes in here trying to give me support, I’m not sure how my body will react. What do I do, what do I do?

I moved faster than I ever had before, dashing from one side of the room to the other, trying my hardest to find something to aid me in this dire time of need. It was of no use, though, I couldn’t find a single thing that could have helped me just then.

The footsteps are getting louder, and are approaching even faster. I began to run towards the door in order to block it, that way Spike couldn’t see what was going on inside here. Unfortunately, I only ended up bringing those urges inside me out again. I crashed to the floor in with a painful yelp.

This must have lit a fire under my friend, because his steps became a full on sprint. Sooner than I could lift my head, the door opened up faster than a Wonderbolt. Standing there with a concerned look on his face, was exactly who I’d thought it’d be, Spike.

Of all the times he could have seen me, now was probably the worst possible time.

He spoke to me slowly, “T-Thorax, are you alright?”

He must not have seen me on the floor wallowing in ennui. The dark shadows of the room must be obscuring his vision. Though, it wasn’t much longer until he noticed the painful lump in the middle of the floor.

“Thorax!” He yelled louder than I thought possible for his small size.

Lifting my head up, ignoring the fiery sensation inside me, I spoke to him lightly. “S-Spike… Leave me, just… just leave me, Spike. Go away, you don’t want to be here, please…”

He shook his head quickly, worry now fully plastered all over his being. “No! I can’t do that, Thorax. You're my friend, and I don’t leave my friends to suffer like this. I heard you all the way down the hall. Thorax, please tell me what’s going on?”

He made his way towards me, the aura about him being all too familiar. Yes, it was love, oh glorious love. I need it, I crave it, I want to take it away from him and keep it all to myself.

No! Don’t think like that, Thorax. Don’t allow those impulses make up your mind for you, you’re stronger than that.

I groaned as I tossed, and limply wiggled my body slowly away from my friend. Trying to put some distance between us both, but it didn’t work. He just kept getting closer and closer, not letting up on his trek to get to me.

“I said go away, Spike. I-I know you want to help, but,” I let out another moan, “You have to get away from me, as far away as possible.”

As he got near—only a couple steps away—I felt my eyes open wide as a new urge swelled inside me. Take his love, make it yours. Do whatever you need to do to make that nectar your own.

I growled loudly in frustration, hitting myself over and over again trying to subdue those unpleasant words plaguing my psyche. I made sure to make my blows harder and harder with each consecutive hit on the head.

“Stop!” Spike yelled at me, as he grabbed my hooves, trying to stop me from hitting myself.

I couldn’t hold it in, my will no longer able to contain those infected impulses. I lashed out at Spike, grabbing him, and pinning him to the floor below me. I can see it now, taking everything from him, and letting it fill me with it’s bliss. Oh, I can feel it now. It’s silky smooth feeling, and it’s honey like taste.

Spike was trying to say something to me, but I drowned it out with my wonderful thoughts of what his love was like. Opening my mouth, I felt my magical grip grasp onto his love aura, and began to suck it inside of me. Sucking him dry, bit by bit.

Oh, it was even better than I could have imagined. The taste, it was so exquisite, it was probably the most rich love I’ve ever tasted. It was even better that this love was specifically for me, because that just made it taste even more delectable.

It just seems to keep on coming, boy, he must love me so much. This is more love than I’ve ever had in one serving, not that I’m complaining. I’d turn down this taste for nothing else in the whole wide world.

After a few more moments, I looked down to Spike. What I saw, however, made me stop sucking his love. His eyes were filled with tears, and were bloodshot. He looked a bit paler than before, and it looked as if he was a bit sick.

Suddenly, I felt myself slowly begin to take a hold of myself. Shaking my head, I felt that fire inside of me die, as it was replaced with the warm feeling of a fresh meal. I then looked back down to Spike again.

Oh no, what have I done? I slowly backed away from him, my legs shaking in fear for what I could have just done to my best friend. The one who showed me kindness when no one else would. Spike… Spike could be dying because of me. Spike could be breathing his last couple breaths, because I wasn’t strong enough to control myself.

I then stopped moving backwards, as I made my way towards him. I grabbed him in my forehooves, and embraced him in a tight hug. “S-S-Spike… I-I’m… I’m so sorry…”

Those words weren’t enough, however, they could never be enough to pay for what I’ve just done. I began to whimper, and then I began to cry just like he was. Our tears the only thing we shared in common anymore. I’m a monster, a no good monster just like the rest of my race.

This carried on till I felt Spike’s body began to go slightly limp. I pushed him away from me, getting a good look at him. He began to breath much more slowly.

No, no, no, no, no! Damn it all, no! This can’t be happening, this can’t be the end to him. I can’t let this happen, there has to be something that I can do? Wait, there is one thing that may just work. I could give him his love back, use the same magic that I used to take it, to give him back his life.

But… a changeling has never given love before, we have only taken it. Who’s to tell if it’d even work?

I looked back to Spike, seeing his eyes slowly began to close. No, I have to try. I have to at least give it all my effort for the sake of my friend. If I can even call him that anymore. He’ll never want to see my face again after this, I’m sure of it.

Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I allowed myself to tap into his love reserves again. This time, however, they were as dry as the Badlands. I looked deep inside of myself, feeling the warm feeling of love inside myself. Latching onto it, I began to push it up, and out of me, pouring it back into it’s rightful owner.

Yes, it's working! Oh, thank you all of the deities in the world for this. If there is anything I can do in return, just give me a sign.

I concentrated again on the task in front of me, releasing more and more of Spike’s love. I could see the color begin to return back to him, his eyes beginning to open up. As I let the last of the love inside of me enter his body, I let go of my hold onto him, and let him fall down to the floor softly.

His eyes began to close again, likely exhausted from the strain I just put on his body. As he laid there, I began to hear him stir about in a sleepy stupor. I slightly smiled at that, the first time I genuinely let my mouth graze up this entire night.

I grabbed him in my magic, and lifted him back into the air. I then made my way over to the bed I once slept in, and tucked him under the blankets. I sat there for a moment, listening to his soft snores as he dreamt this horror away in a blissful sleep. Likely, he’ll remember what happened tonight, and come looking for me.

I turned away, looking at the only window in the room. No, he won’t be able to find me, I won’t let him. I then made my way towards that very window, using my magic to open it up. As soon as I did, the cold wind of the outside world rushed in, coating me with it’s arctic embrace. Still, it’s a better feeling than seeing Spike almost die in front of me, because of my poor control over myself. Hell, it’s even better than seeing his distraught face when he wakes up in the morning.

Flapping my wings, I lifted into the air, turning to look back at Spike one last time. This is goodbye my friend… I know it doesn’t mean very much right now, but before all this happened, this is how I truly felt about our friendship: I loved you, Spike. I loved you as only a friend can, but I’m afraid I’m not allowed to do that anymore. Spike, I don’t deserve your love. In return, you deserve better than me.

I let out one last tear, one that represented our tarnished friendship, before I flew out the window. Braving the frigid air of the northern mountains, until I eventually find somewhere else to call home, or perish like the most important relationship I’ll ever have in my life...