DERPA

by CrimsonCowboy

Rating: teen
Tags: Science Fiction, Comedy, Discord, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Changelings, Original Character
Length: 25363

Engineering students. A hypothesis. A test. Chaos ensues.

First demonstration of the reharmonization effect in an chaos-derived spatial contraction field, inside of an atmosphere.
For submission to the Defensive Equipment Research Program Association, aka, DERPA.

These are the documented shenanigans four engineering students got up to that ended up leading to a large number of submissions to DERPA, revealed through a Freedom of Information Act request. The Equestrian Communications Commission were not pleased with the foul language contained within and actively intervened to hinder the release of this information.

Published 2016-08-28 17:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-17 07:23:33 UTC

Hang on, I want to try something.

Four engineering students were suggested in the title graphic: A female gryphon, Tami Owlson, a male unicorn, Java Stout, a female earth pony, Quantum Shift, and a female changeling, Twefy 'fi Oson. The title card faded to black.

The gryphon was cursing under her breath. Nothing could be seen. Java's mellow voice stated "You, uh, gotta take off the lens cap."

"Ah fuck, seriously? Carving Tartarun BS..." The scene suddenly unfolded. Three ponies stood in front of a meadow near Canterholm mountain. "Right, got it. OK." A gryphoness ran into the frame and stood in the lineup. "You're turn, Oson."

The changeling stood at attention, her corrective goggles jumping off of her eyes. "Oh, right!" She reoriented the corrective goggles over her compound eyes and began a well rehearsed speech.

"We are here to present the group project for Advanced Applied Spatial Contraction Course ASK5011. Our project will involve the transmission of a unit of matter through a chaos-derived spatial contraction field with a reharmonizing field effect spell generating a field of harmony around the unit of matter through the use of inscribed runes. Specifically, we will be using a crossbow bolt fired by Quantum Shift," Oson gestured her head towards the earth pony, "at a target one hundred meters distant from the point of fire." Oson gestured her head backwards at a vibrant purple and green bulls-eye target behind them.

"We wish to explore with this experiment the hypothesis that a reharmonizing field can allow normal matter to travel through a spatial contraction field in a similar fashion to how light and magic can traverse a spatial contraction field at super-luminal velocities. I turn the lecture over to my colleague, Java Stout, to detail how we have designed this experiment." Oson nodded to Java Stout.

Quantum Shift closed her eyes and shook her head. She spoke quietly, "Celest, you're such a nerd, Oson."

Oson frowned and kneed Quantum with her front forehoof. "Stuff it, Quantum! This is for our grade!" Quantum shot a dirty look back at her.

Java Stout blinked and wavered on his hooves. He didn't speak until Tami elbowed him hard in his sides. "That's you, twit."

Java looked at the camera. "Oh, uh... Right. I set up a set of light gap crossing sensors on the field earlier, one in front of the field and one in back by the target."

Oson butted into the description. "We included the time of signal transmission over the lengths of wire in our calculations."

Java nodded slowly. "Yeah, we did that. And we're using, uh, a low chaos field generator. We're at only about three teacups. I set the generators up earlier, and the field has stabilized. I had Quantum double check it for me."

Quantum Shift hit him with a hoof. "I double checked it because you're already drunk, you twit!"

Oson started to panic before Tami looked over the two ponies between them and spoke. "Don't worry, Oson. We've gotta repeat this at least four more times for stats'n'shit, so we can just cut a new take for the opening." This calmed the changeling. Tami turned to face the camera. "Right, now that this take is right fucked, let's just run the test. We've already double and tripled checked the fucking runes on the arrow head, so Quantum Shift your ass to the firing line."

Tami and Java walked stage left, and Oson right, as Quantum picked up the crossbow in her hooves. She was well up in the archery club, so her suggestion of that the 'unit of matter' be a crossbow bolt was backed up with her record on the team. She took aim at the garish distant target, and began counting down. "Three, two, one, fire."

The field exploded in a two degree cone along the arrow's trajectory. When the rumbling stopped only one voice could be heard, one very excited gryphoness.

"Holy FUCK! It's fucking gone! Grace be fucked, it's fucking GONE! The... holy crap, the fucking field's trashed! HOLY FUCK! Oh, shit, I think that... That's a fucking tree on fire! That's half a klick away! What the fuck, are you guys seeing this shit? Hey, you g... Oh, fuck, Quant, you OK?!"

As the dust clears, a Tami Owlson was seen much closer to the camera, wringing her talons together as she looked over the prone body of Quantum Shift. "Oh, shit, shit, are you ok? Quantum, can you hear me?" She prodded the earth pony. "Oh shit, oh shit... OSON! OSON! Get over here! I need to know if Quantum's OK!"

The slack jawed Oson shook her head as she looked over to the pair. She closed her mouth and galloped over to them. Her horn alit green and a faint shimmering field of the same color grew over the pony below her. Her jaw moved spasmodically, as if she was silently speaking to herself. A scant few seconds later both dimmed and Oson looked at Tami. "She's still in full control of her emotions, so I think she's ok. She's just a bit shocked. See, she's blinking now. Oh, she's probably also scraped pretty badly, but that's why I brought a first aid kit." She tucked her head back into her saddlebags and pulled out an adorable first aid kit. Setting it down, she opened it up and pulled out some gauze, some sanitizing wipes, and some aspirin. As she helped her friend up and started her work she positively beamed with pride. "You're gonna be OK, Quanti!"

Java Stout's unkempt mane had been blown backwards by the blast, revealing his half lidded eyes below his raised eyebrows. He was still trying to process what had happened, when his eyes shot open with realization. He turned his head to face his team and the camera. "Ha! I know what I forgot to include in the calculations! Air resistance! That's why it exploded! Cool!"

Quantum Shift lept out of Oson's caring medical work and began to gallop at Java. "I'm going to fucking KILL your drunk ass, Java!"

The video cuts out.
Title credits roll:
First demonstration of the reharmonization effect in an chaos-derived spatial contraction field, inside of an atmosphere.
For submission to the Defensive Equipment Research Program Association, aka, DERPA.

I think that might actually work, lemme try something.

Four engineering students were suggested in the title graphic: A female gryphon, Tami Owlson, a male unicorn, Java Stout, a female earth pony, Quantum Shift, and a female changeling, Twefy 'fi Oson. The title card faded to black.

The scene readily unfolds to the three of the four around a table in what looks like a poorly maintained apartment, somewhere within walking distance of Canterlot University. The participants are drinking. All evidence suggests they have been engaged in this activity for quite some time, and are at that most dangerous point of drunkenness where one can still preform calculus, but probably should not be. As they were all in this state, there was no one to tell them how awful the idea they had was.

Firstly, one should never drink and derive.

Secondly, if you are drinking and deriving, making a video tape of the event may help you remember what happened, but will probable not help you in court.

Thirdly, it was probable a very bad idea to start with.

The gryphoness is cursing in her native tongue, as Java Stout reenters the frame. "I'm pretty fuck-off sure that won't work. We.... uh.... We need to compensate for what... fuck... this circuit is doing." She pointed a talon at a diagram that had been hastily scribed onto some grid paper.

Java Stout chuckles. The gryphoness does not take this kindly. "What the hell, Java? Wait, you're actually recording this shit? Gods above and below, for fuck's sake..."

Java Stout shrugged, and responded in his ever-so-mellow voice. "Yeah, well, we got the camera for another week, so why not?"

Quantum Shift narrowed her eyes at Java, then looked directly at the camera. "OK, it's not the worst idea you've had. This one, though..." She tapped the graph paper. "I'm not so certain of."

Oson's head was firmly planted on the table. She hiccuped once, then again, and finally began speaking. "We can do it with hic the stuff in the basement and some of the hic some of the tools I got up in my room."

Tami reached her arm across the table to pick up Oson's head. She looked into the changeling's eyes, noted she was probable getting a lot of but not all of their attention, and once again silently bemoaned how compound eyes work. "Sigh. Oson, why do you have a drill press in your room?"

Her head restrained by the gryphoness, she elected to just hiccup and explain herself. "I need to drill stuff, occasionally. It happens. I don't hic get why you guys don't have one."

Quantum Shift was pouring herself another glass of room temperature wine. She chimed in at that point. "I'd just end up borrowing yours if I needed it."

Oson nodded as much as she could with Tami holding her head. "Yeah, that works, I guess. Wait, haven't we had this conversation?"

Quantum shook her head. "Not quite. You told us we can use your tools, but we need to sign them out and pick up, what did you call 'em? 'Hug Vouchers'? You're such a weirdo, Oson."

Oson shook her head right out of Tami's talons. "It's not weird. It's like, the most common way for changelings to get love these days."

Tami interjected. "No, it's not. Maybe for you nerd-lings. But I'm pretty sure you're the exception, not the rule."

Oson frowned, and slammed back her drink before entering a tirade. "You know what, I'm calling in those vouchers from you three right now. I demand a hug from Quantum," Oson pointed at the earth pony, "Tami", pointing now at the gryphoness, "and Java...." She tried to point at the perpetually drunk unicorn, but failed. "Wait, where's Java?"

All three stared at each other for a moment, the gaze shifting between those present and the space for the one who wasn't present. This continued for nearly a minute, before Quantum Shift eyed where the fire extinguisher was mounted on the kitchen's wall. In her slightly drunk state, she was visible mouthing the operating instructions for the fire extinguisher, and even playing out how to use it with her hooves.

Tami began to scan the kitchen. Her eyesight was a bit sub-par for most gryphons, but she still saw better than anyone else here but for Quantum Shift. Oson was staring at the papers on the table, Quantum was miming using the fire extinguisher, and here she was, trying to figure out was missing in the kitchen beyond a lone idiot unicorn. A quick glance at the notepaper led her to stare at two spots which should have held common kitchen equipment.

"Guys. Where the fuck is the tea kettle, and where the fuck is the microwave oven?"

A piercing whine filled the house they shared, clearly coming from upstairs. Oson's mouth hung open, quietly mouthing "My drill press..."

The kitchen geiger counter - a fairly odd piece of equipment to have in most kitchens but not theirs - began clicking. All three turned their heads towards it. Tami was the first to speak. "Fuck."

Quantum was the first to dash upstairs, fire extinguisher acquired and in hoof. Oson grabbed the geiger counter in her magic and followed with all due haste. Tami looked directly at the camera, and said to herself, "Once the guard gets involved, and they probably will, we're gonna need this.... Damn it all, damn it...." She grabbed the camera and it's connected tripod mount, and the scene shakily follows her travel upstairs.

The scene unfolds. Java Stout is in Twefy 'fi Oson's room. The microwave oven has a number of holes in it. The tea kettle, a nice electric model, is brewing. A chaos field generator has been plugged into it. Later assessments would reveal the chaos field strength was around seven teacups, one cup over the tea kettle's maximum suggested limit.

There were certainly going to be words later about that.

Right now, though... Quantum was aiming the fire extinguisher at Java Stout. Oson was holding the geiger counter near what he had done with the microwave oven and her drill press. And a fair lot of her other tools. If a tube of radiosensitive electronics was threatening, she was certainly trying to make use of it.

It wasn't terrible effective. In no small part because Java was already drunk. And of course, so were Quantum, Tami, and Oson. And a geiger counter hasn't ever served as a weapon, except for a few legal battles.

Java Stout, in his ever patient and mellow voice, stated ever so calmly, "Oh, hey. I, uh, I guess I built that thing we were talking about. Sorry for using your drill press."

Tami spoke first. "You can't be fucking serious."

Java tapped the microwave oven. "Um, nope, I'm pretty serious. And that's a geiger counter, right?" Oson nodded, a sad frown gracing her black carapace. Java continued, "Yeah. So it's working. That's pretty cool."

Quantum spoke after that outburst. "You have to be kidding me. You built the thing we were drunkenly talking about, in the span of the five scant minutes we weren't paying attention to you."

Java nodded, his bangs bobbing in front of his eyes. "Yeah.

"I built a fusion reactor out of the microwave and tea kettle in about five minutes."

Oson, ever the nerd-ling, continued. "The chaos flux, it let the light hit the target stuff way faster than it should normally... and you're using the microwaves the microwave oven produces to, through chaos flux, to accelerate them to... Oh, Tatarun chimes, X-rays? Gamma? Oh, crap, we shouldn't be in here."

Java, ever the idiot-genius, nodded affirmative. "Yeah, the fusion reaction can occur pretty easily if you twist the spatial contraction field just so. And it fits in a microwave! It's great!"

Tami slammed her clawed hand into her forehead, before dragging Tami and Quantum out of the room. She proceed to head back in and drag out Java Stout, after kicking out the power cord powering the chaos generator and the microwave. She then slapped him very hard. "Java, you fucking idiot. One, there's a neutron flux here. You just made Oson's room a fucking nuclear disaster area. You are officially a jackass now. Two, you didn't even have a way to remove the heat. So, you not only made our fucking microwave a radiation hazard, but you also burned it."

Java shook his head. "Nah, I didn't burn it."

Tami opened the door to Oson's room again. She gripped Java's head in one claw, and pointed his eyes in the directions she want'd him to observe.

"The desk is scorched. The microwave was white to start with, it's blackened. You can see the bloody heat coming off it. You're a fucking twit, Java Stout." She slammed the door shut, and threw Java in the opposite direction down the cramped apartment hallway. She then picked him up and dragged him downstairs.

Oson was crying. She knew the implications of what just happened. Her room, all her stuff, all of her tools, they were now all radioactive. It was interesting that the fusion reaction was possible, but that didn't serve as enough of a distraction to the knowledge that all of her stuff now had to buried for a few hundred years. Including her drill press.

Quantum shifted her forehoof around Oson, wrapping her into a hug. "Does this fulfill our obligations?"

Oson sniffled. "Only the first one. Thank you, Quantum."

Quantum Shift nodded. "I'll be good for that debt. And I think Tami will get things sorted out."

A gryphoness could be heard yelling in the background, with a male pony crying. "You built a fusion reactor, in the five minutes we weren't paying attention to you! You fucking idiot! What the fuck were you even thinking?"

Java Stout was crying. "I-ah-ah don't-ah-ah knooooow....."

"We're gonna lose our fucking deposit because of you, asshole!"

The video cuts out. Title credits roll.
For submission to the Defensive Equipment Research Program Association, aka, DERPA.
The first demonstration of a compact chaos based spatial contraction field assisted fusion reaction.

For submission to the Atomic Regulatory Association.
Request for atomic hazard cleanup.

For submission to the Canterlot Rental Insurance Association..
Request for reimbursement of insured power tools and various books.

Author's Note

OK, this is actually kinda fun. We might get a few more items from me.

Hey guys, I did something, check it out!

Four engineering students were suggested in the title graphic: A female gryphon, Tami Owlson, a male unicorn, Java Stout, a female earth pony, Quantum Shift, and a female changeling, Twefy 'fi Oson. The title card faded to black.

The scene unfolds. Java Stout is looking much cleaner, as is much of the cheap apartment he is in. Due to the radiation hazard he had engineered on the previous day, a very thorough cleaning of 'just about anything we can clean' had to occur. As it turned out, his mane is actually a rather attractive wavy cream colour. This was not indicated in any of the previous videos, where it was brown, or black. Or a mixture there-of.

Java was working on... Something. He turns to face the camera, in a fashion one could only call cheesy. "Well, hello there, Equestria. I'm sure you're wondering what I'm doing. Here, come a little closer." The sound of his telekinesis firing up and the golden field around the camera indicates he has gripped it with his magic.

"So.... I got bored yesterday, after all the cleanup and document signing and stuff. Cracken' stars, dudes. You would not believe just how angry the ARA is if you make a couple of things radioactive. I'm really glad insurance covered all her stuff, 'cause, like, Oson's a good bug. She.... Damn." He shakes his head, and then looks at his hooves, guilt evident in his stance. "She's a way better roommate than I am."

The cheesiness and pseudo-professionalism dropped from his voice by this point. His next comment was perkier. "So, anyway! I figured I could make a thing for her! It should work out pretty well. Uh. Maybe. Uh.... oh boy.... OK, gonna start this one later, kinda need a pencil right now..."

The video cuts out. The video reopens. Java Stout is still in the frame. There is now a small pile of paper on the table next to him. The faintest glimpses of sunlight are starting to peak in through the windows. Java Stout is now a bit more confidently standing up next to a medium-to-small item covered by a towel. A brand new tea kettle is steaming next to it. In later watchings of this video, it was noted that most people became sweaty and alarmed while witnessing this scene. This is because.... The cup next to the tea kettle indicates either: "A. I'm going to have a cup of tea." or "B. I need entropy for this chaos-field generator to work".

There were, at that time, very few laws regarding spatial contraction fields. Only the very particular one that one pony caused. That was the work of Signal Jammer, who was noted as the first trying to apply chaos magic to shrink the effective distance between two radio towers, and whom caused the law to rapidly be formed, stating "It is a crime to contract any space large enough to cause a geological event". The field of study of chaos-based spatial contraction fields was now wide open for bright and bold students to explore, with deplorably limited legislation.

This also implies that the field is wide open for the dim and cowardly to also explore, with minimal fear of legal reprise. The file folder this video is found in indicates, very strongly, that Java Stout has a history of utilizing chaos-fields for less than demonstrably ideal purposes.

"So. What I thought... We got this old, like, Pachino machine. Pachinko? Pakinko? Uh... Whatever. We found one in the basement when we moved in. It has like, ball bearings, that fall, and bounce off of levers and pins and paddle's and shit. Sorta like pinball, but lamer, really. Like, seriously. Getting all the letter's lit up for the Five-X score multiplier, and then the dragons open their mouths, and it lights up like it's on fire and stuff? So cool."

Java tapped the unveiled machine. "This thing? Not so cool. But, cool enough. And it's about to be even cooler."

Foreshadowing for certain listeners. Tami Owlson, a gryphoness, has excellent hearing. At this point in the video, her voice can be heard faintly coming from upstairs. The language used is mostly foul. Some was assuredly from the sailor component of the gryphon society, a dialect known as Fowl. Words like "Cup of coffee...", "where's the kettle?", "Not again..." filter through the background of steadily increasing gryphish curses. She is strongly, and correctly, thinking that something is up.

"What I'm gonna do, is use a small chaos-derived spatial contraction field, powered by this half-cup of tea, to shrink this pachineko machine down to pocket size. Cause unharmonized matter entering a field doesn't even care, it should be fine. It'll be like putting your hoof into a small bubble, that like, shrinks your hoof as you're crossing through it, or something. It makes your hooves tiny. While it's in the contracted space. But is totally ok! And, AND, let's you play pocket pashinko."

Java taps his muzzle a few times. "Huh.... It's still going to weigh as much as normal, even if it's smaller. OK! So, um, keep your saddle bags light when playing with this."

He was mumbling the next part of his speech while inexpertly taping the chaos generator to the Pachinko machine. He then cursed, when he realized he had not plugged in either the pachinko machine, the chaos-generator, or the tea kettle. The fundamentally wired nature of all of the items he was working with did not seem to affect his outset much - which was probably for the worst. Making this thing portable was not really a possibility, but the nature of reality did not deter Java's efforts. He swiftly plugged all three items into a nearby power strip, and called up the stairs. "HEY! OSON! I made something for you! Come downstairs, I'm in the basement!"

The three members of the household who were not already in the basement appeared suddenly. Oson still had a crust of film around her eyes. Quantum Shift had another fire extinguisher. Tami held her empty coffee mug in a threatening fashion. In tandem, they yelled, "What did you do THIS time?"

He already had the tea kettle hot. Lifting it up with his magic, he stated "Ladies, I present to you... Pocket Patchingo." He poured a half cup of tea into the chaos-field generator's reservoir. Nothing appeared to happen...

Oson noted something, despite her extreme nearsightedness. "It's not turned on."

"Oh. That's right. Lemme get that." Java's magic flicked the switch that energized the generator. The pachinko machine appeared to shrink inside the spatial contraction field. It did look like you could fit it into a pocket - perhaps not so with the chaos generator as well. Perhaps if they got a battery powered one, later.

Quantum stared at Java, then at the set up he had made. She set down the fire extinguisher. With a slowly softening frown, she congratulated Java. "Wow, Java. I'm honestly impressed."

"Yeah, I'm pretty awesome like that, sometimes."

Tami interjected. "Impressed he built something like that, or impressed you didn't need that fire extinguisher."

Java promptly frowned as Quantum nodded, "Both. I'm doubly-impressed."

Oson could read the emotions coming off of Java, and knew he was feeling a blow to his pride. "I think it's very nice, Java. You made this for me, right? That's so nice of you." She could feel that Java himself was feeling better from hearing her words. Better enough, in fact, that she felt it safe to ask the next question she had.

"Uh. So... How do... how do you play pachinko?"

If one looks closely at the tape, they may be able to catch a statically standing Java Stout's eyes nearly vibrating as they shift between the pachinko machine and Oson. He eventually gulps, and looks at Oson to say, "Huh. That's a good question. I've really never played pashrinko before."

Oson gave a small smile. "Oh. Well, I'm sure we'll figure it out sooner or later."

The video cuts out.
Title credits roll:
First demonstration of the the practical miniaturization of objects of interest with a chaos-derived spatial contraction field.
For submission to the Defensive Equipment Research Program Association, aka, DERPA.

First demonstration of the the practical miniaturization of objects of commercial interest with a chaos-derived spatial contraction field.
For submission to the Equestrian Postal System.

I've wanted to try something like this for a while.

Four engineering students were suggested in the title graphic: A female gryphon, Tami Owlson, a male unicorn, Java Stout, a female earth pony, Quantum Shift, and a female changeling, Twefy 'fi Oson. The title card faded to black.

Quantum Shift appears in a darkly lit setting. It is night outside, but inside, where time has lost it's meaning with the advent of electric lights, mares may find themselves at a poorly maintained pool table found in the basement, soldering things together. She has apparently had an idea and has elected to act upon it.

She yells upstairs with some perturbation to her voice. "HEY! Stop playing that freaking game and come DOWN here! I've started the camera!"

Cries of, "But I was winning....", and "There's no fucking way she would do that...", and "Those memchrys' are really expensive, I think she's serious, or drunk. Last of the Hive, if it's the former..."

As the group descended the stairwell of their house, they each got a chance to groan as they discovered that it was indeed the former.

"Gentlestallions and madams, I present for your consideration, a jet-prong." Quantum gestures with a forehoof at the strange device on the table. "A tiny pair of chaos splines outside of a reharmonization cone. Air comes in the base, is infused with harmonization magic, and upon egress at the cone's edge, enters the low density chaos field. It's immediately accelerated well away from the device, providing reactionary thrust as it pushes against the cone. It'd even work in a vacuum if you have a supply of compressed gas."

"And you took us away from a game of Rocket Battles for this? What the fuck, Quantum. Wait. No. No fucking way no. This scales. This fucking scales. If this works, you didn't make just a model jet engine here. You made..."

"A prototype for THIS!" With a flourish, she yanks a sheet off of a diagram. "The Rocket-n-Roll Suit!"

Java Stout held a slightly amazed open mouth. Tami Owlson held a slightly stunned open beak. Twifi 'fi Oson held a hoof towards her slightly canted head, rubbing it slowly against her jaw. She spoke first. "We're gonna have to run some tests. I suppose that's why you built this. I think we can make this work."

Tami looked at Oson with the cold look of shock she normally reserved for interactions with Java. "Oson, you can't possibly be serious."

Oson was still staring at the diagram, but she could see the look she was getting on the edge of her compound eyes. She nodded, "Oh, I'm very serious."

Java was almost vibrating with excitement. "Dudes, we can scale this up to the Rocket Pony! Do you know what this means?" He lept into the air, striking at nothing with a forehoof to punctuate his next statement. "HARDWARE STORE RUN!"

Tami turned to stare at him, slightly surprised she didn't have to change her expression. "Not you, too! For fuck's sake! I know why you're game to go!" She pointed an accusatory talon at him.

Java smirked. "I appreciate the hardware there, too. Besides, the only one open at this hour is..."

Tami threw her talons into the air in frustration. "SCREWDRIVERS, I KNOW! The bloody all night bar and hardware store! Damnit, Java, you are SO transparent!"

Pulling his head back in a faux impression of being hurt by the accusation, Java stated, "Hey, I think it's a legitimately cool idea. But Oson is right. We should test it. Quantum, wanna go out to the meadow tonight and fire it up? Screwdrivers won't close till two a.m. anyway."

Quantum was shoving her invention into a saddlebag. "Does the sun rise ninety eight days out of a hundred? I'm going to fill a thermos with fresh tea. Java, get the camera and some flashlights. I don't think they've repaired the field's lighting yet. Oson, grab my notes and the usual tools. Tami?"

Spent of emotions, Quantum turns to face Tami. "I want you to grab an aspirin or two for yourself. You're stressing out again."

As Java approaches the camera to turn it off, Tami is overheard wondering, "Is all this chaos research affecting our minds?"

Java chuckles. "Nah, dude, my sis was in college years ago. Students have always been crazy in one way or another."

The scene unfolds upon the ruined field from the experiment the quartet had conducted a few days earlier. Flashlights illuminate Oson and Quantum standing in front of the device with an uncapped thermos of tea steaming nearby. Tami is holding a flashlight with one talon and her face with the other. Java's voice is heard shouting, "OK, I got the camera set up. I'm ready to track it!"

Quantum waves a hoof at the camera. "We're ready on this end. OK, you two, stand back. Tami, keep that flashlight on me. I don't want to spill any tea on the crystals."

Tami groaned and looked at Oson. "Don't you want to give a little speech?"

Oson looks quizzically at Tami, who points at the camera. "Oh! Oh, yes, that's important!" She gallops closer to the camera and adjusts her goggles. "Um, we're on a bit of a time crunch, so, short version. Microchaos generators, set up for one half teacup of spatial contraction, around the aerospike design nozzle. Should reach about half a klik to one klik above ground." She turns, and shouts to Quantum. Tami has steadily been walking backwards towards them, keeping the flashlight's beam on the experiment. "Hey, Quanti! Good to go?"

"Good to go! Pouring now..." Quantum carefully pours the contents of the thermos into the chaos generators reservoirs. "I'm going to flick the switch in on a three-count. The harmonizing runes will take a few seconds to energize, so here we go! Three! Two! One! GO!"

Quantum gallops back much faster, and a wicked smile is apparent on her face. Tami looks at her and asks, "Why are you so keen on this, anyway? You always struck me as more the jock type."

Quantum responds. "Comic books. My dad has..."

She is cut off as the experiment blasts into the sky with a roar and a jet of superheated air. The camera seems to slowly track it, but later analysis shows only a scant few seconds passes before...

There are a lot of words all mixed together. "Oh, fuck all kinds of ducks..." "No, no, oh shit, NO!" "Oh, wow! One of the chaos generators must've failed! It's spiraling!" "Oh sweet hives, it's... It's heading for the castle. IT'S HEADING FOR THE CASTLE! We need to get out of here, WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE! WE NEED TO GO, RIGHT NOW!"

The camera is picked up in a green aura. It picks up a fair amount of running noises before an explosion is heard in the distance. As the camera is jostled, flames can be seen off of the side of Canterlot's castle.

This recording has been connected to the incident where-in a tower of the castle received superficial damage from a previously unknown object. By Celestia's grace, the crime has been forgiven, and an apology was given to Luna for an accusation that a metallic impactor at such a velocity could only have been a meteorite.

The camera footage that follows is tinged green and details the path between the field and the combination bar and hardware store near the campus of Canterlot University known as Screwdrivers. Most of the audio up to that point is assorted curses and the sound of hoofs and feet moving quickly. An order is placed for a number of very strong drinks and space at a workbench. The camera is set down looking across it down an isle of assorted lighting related hardware. There is a sale on novelty garden lights. Quantum and Oson's heads are firmly planted on the table. A conversation follows after the sound of glassware being set down.

Java Stout speaks. "Four Post-Exam Specials."

Tami replies. "What grade?"

"F minus."

She picks up a drink. "Sounds about right. You know you won't be able to use any of the power tools here after this? They installed breathalyzers on them after... well, you know."

Java Stout visible cringes. Oson shudders as she lifts her head and grabs one of the drinks. "So much blood..." Quantum's head remains planted on the table.

Tami sips her drink. "I can get why Quantum's so bummed, but what's up with you, Oson?"

Oson slams back a large portion of her drink before returning her head to the table. "Oh, I don't know, I'm just a member of the species that last attacked Canterlot with explosive, impactive forces. And anytime something falls from the sky, we all get nasty looks from the populace. I mean..." She lifts her head to take another drink. "We've even started emulating it. Like, nasty looks and all. I've even done it. I felt like crap afterwards, but I've done it. And now I'm depressed. Crap."

Without lifting her head, Quantum drapes an arm over Oson in a side hug. "Don't worry about it Oson... If the guard comes knockin', we got the memchrys'... It's all my fault. Stupid childhood fantasies..."

Java took a long drink. "You said something about comic books earlier. What's up with that, Quantum?"

Quantum raised her head off the table and looked at Java, then the drink before her. "What grade did you say this was?"

"F minus."

"When you have to drink to forget." She picked it up and downed the entire drink. She sighed, and spoke. "OK. Story time. My dad, he's a total nerd. He might even out-nerd you, Oson. I mean, he named me Quantum, for fuck's sake. When he was a foal, in the silver age of comic books, well, he amassed a pretty nice collection. Java, get me another F minus. I can't deal with all this right now."

Once Java returned with two drinks, one clearly intended for himself, Quantum continued. "So, eah, a lot of Batmare, but there was a lot of other stuff there, too. Doc Photon, Magnus Mecha Hunter, The Beige Arrow, and a number with heroines and heroes on alien worlds with..."

Java interjected. "Rocket packs."

Quantum finally lifted her head clear of the table and rested on the seatback. "Yeah. Rocket packs. I loved everything in those comics. That's why I got into engineering, why I picked up archery, and why I loved those Rocket Battle games so much. When we had the idea for the engine, I felt so much nostalgia. My hopes and dreams screamed at me, right then and there. I just had to try."

Oson looked at her. "And you rib on me for being a nerd."

Quantum looked back at Oson. "At least I don't get my jollies from accounting. At least I get out and run every day. At least I don't fixate on the dozens of comics still coming out, trying to find something in their gritty realism or whatever. I took what's the most awesome, the most amazing from those old comics and tried to model myself after them. I'd say I'm doing pretty ok."

She took another drink and looked around the table. "I've lived with you guys for over a year now and I still don't know what motivates you." The other three looked at each other and shrugged.

"Mechanical aptitude and parents doing well enough after the economic collapse to send me here. Hopes and dreams of all of griffon-kind BS, ya'know? And deep down, I guess I kinda buy it."

"We're innately helpful, when we're not insane. I'm good with numbers, and this was a suggested fit back at the hive. And I liked it."

"I honestly can't remember. I think it was on a whim after a few drinks trying to build something, and winding up in jail overnight cause I did something when I was frustrated that I didn't know how to build what I wanted to. Can't remember what it was, they confiscated the napkins. That's why I carry a notepad everywhere these days."

Quantum chuckled. "So wanting to be like Batmare or the Beige Arrow or Rocketmane isn't so odd, I guess."

Java pointed his drink at her. "Not really. I mean, that Crimson Cowboy guy, he got fed up with grad school for a while and became a bounty hunter down in Dodge Junction."

Oson added, "And Dr. Clocks, everything he got up to. We only know what he admitted to at the Day Court because of that tower incident, and wowee."

Tami smirked. "Ponies seem drawn to either dullness or the extremes. Quantum, y'er probably fucking crazy, but that's normal enough here, it seems."

Quantum smiled. "Yeah, weapons-grade crazy, it seems. Damnit, I really wanted this to work. I really wanted to fly."

Oson pulled the plans from her saddlebags. "Well, I don't really see why you can't. I was thinking about it. I think the paired chaos generators malfunctioned cause they were too similar. Maybe an asynchronous set of drivers would work better... Here, I think if the field is generated at different strengths at different places, we could avoid that problem." She looks up, mouthing calculations before writing down her new design. "With a few good bearings and some motors, it could be balanced, controllable, we'd need a few small circuit boards... It'd probably work. I'd like a bench test first, of course. We can still get all the parts tonight."

Java placed his empty glass on the table with a soft clink. "I'm game. Wandering the isles here drunk is one of my favorite past-times."

Tami scowled, downed the last of her drink, and replicated the motion. "Sure, what the fuck. It means a lot for you to fly, I guess, and I'm sure as fuck not going to give you a lift. It seems to mean a lot to you, too. Let's give it a shot."

Java perked up. "Shots sound like a great idea!"

Tami threw up her arms. "Fuck it! Fine! Let's do shots. Just remember to grab the camera."

Oson moves to grab the camera and squeaks. "It... It's been on the whole time."

Three sets of hooves and talons reach for it. Tami yells, "For fuck's sake, again?!"

The camera cuts out for a number of hours. It reopens upon the scene of the basement workshop. Quantum Shift is face down on a workbench, snoring. She has left the soldering iron on. A hoof, of Java Stout, reaches out to switch it off. He begins to speak in a very fake Trottingham accent.

"Here we see the elusive Quantum Shift in her native habitat. Normally an industrious species, the Quantum Shift can often be found working themselves to exhaustion. Let's see just how exhausted this one is. We have at our disposal... Hmmm... Ah, that'll do. We have at our disposal a set of screwdrivers. Let's test this little Quantum Shift, shall we?"

The camera is set down with Quantum in full view. Java enters the frame, and uses his magic to begin setting screwdrivers on her head. The handles are arranged to lay over each other's shaft. It reaches about twenty centimeters before Java speaks again. "Huh. No more screwdrivers down here. How many wrenches we got?" A sound of a tool chest being slid open precedes the comment, "Wow. Why do we have so many wrenches? That's at least... yeah, five monkey wrenches alone. Dang, man. Well, up they go!"

The stack of hardware balanced atop Quantum's head grows taller with the addition of the wrenches. She continues to sleep, snoring occasionally. Java appears slightly nervous, seeming to realize he's running out of tools to stack. He walks upstairs, and returns with a large stack of books. He then begins to arrange them in an inverted pyramid on top of the wrenches and screwdrivers. He returns upstairs two more times to replenish his supply of books. As he places the last one, he sighs. "Man, she's really out of it. I better get the others."

The camera is turned off, before being turned on again.

The shot reopens with Oson fluttering down on top of the pile of books and various tools stacked on top of Quantum Shift. "Wow. She is really out of it. I mean, if Tami landed up here, maybe she'd wake up. I'm like, only thirty kilos."

Tami shouts, "Oi! You calling me fat?!"

Oson shakes her head. "No, no. I'm just, you know, a changeling. We're like..." She waves a hoof from atop her stack of books, wrenches, screwdrivers, and Quantum's head. "We're really quite lite weight. I mean, well, look at me. These holes aren't just for looks." She places her holely hoof in front of her right eye and looks at Tami, Java, and the camera.

"It makes the changeling magics easier, y'know, if you don't have to shift much mass around."

Java nods understandingly. "Right, that makes sense. Tami, can you get up there?"

Tami gives Java a foul look. "Java, I weigh over a hundred and twenty kilos. No. I mean, yeah, I can get up there, but I won't. That's a bad idea."

Oson grips a few of the books in her magic as she flutters down. "I think we should wake her up."

Java nods. "Yeah, that's probably a lot more responsible than what I'm thinking." He grips a few more of the objects on Quantum's head with his magic, and the two make short work of removing the piled objects from her head.

As Oson replaces the tools in their proper locations, Tami waves a cup of instant coffee under Quantum's muzzle. Quantum sniffs it, and with a distinctly blob-like motion slides over to it, placing her muzzle into it and making disturbing sucking noises. Tami recoils in horror. "Celestia's fiery ass, that's creepy."

Oson looks at Java. "How many days has she been down here?"

"It's Tuesday, right?"

"No, it's Wednesday."

"Oh. Well, four days, then. Aaand that explains why I thought class must've been cancelled today. I'm gonna need to get some copies of notes from you guys."

Oson looks at her forehooves. "She's been down here a while. We aren't really good roommates, are we?"

Java shrugs. "Eh. We could be worse. If it means anything, I think you guys are all pretty cool."

Tami pulls the now empty mug of coffee off of Quantum's snout. She looks into the mug and recoils in horror. "I... This was the mug with the stains in it. It's... It's clean. She sucked the coffee stains off of the walls of the mug."

Quantum begins to move. Her eyes are bloodshot, and her motions are uncoordinated. The three others press themselves against a wall and begin breathing very frightenedly and very quietly. Quantum notices the camera is on. She speaks at it.

"Ooooh hey..... The asynchy splines gave me some trouble, but I got them all in. Yawn And I think the chaos generators are all gonna be fine. I made the... things... to Oson's specificities. She's so good at that. Where is she? I need 'ta give her a huggy. Huggy buggy. Oson? OSON? Ya' down here? Eh. So, the whole thing should be good 'ta go tomorrow morning. I'mma gonna fly... yawn tomorrow morning. I... could use.... a... yawn... nap." Her head slaps into the table rather awkwardly. A dainty snore follows soon after.

Oson, and the others, stare at Quantum. She states, "I've never been more frightened in my life."

Java looks at Oson. "She seemed pretty good to me."

Oson glares as best she can with compound eyes. "That was a Tami cup of coffee! She doesn't have your freaky barista skills! I nearly died when I drank half of one of them!"

Tami frowned. "It ain't that bad. And you bugs are like, way more sensitive to caffeine then we are."

"By an order of magnitude, yes. But that's still enough to put a pony into... um... whatever the opposite of a coma is!" She angrily prods Tami with a hoof. "You griffons have... really weird digestion!"

Tami raises an eyebrow. "Says the emotivore."

Java has meanwhile been placing a blanket over Quantum, and is moving to collect the camera. "Hey, dudes, let's take this upstairs. I think Quantum's been awake for the last four days. Wait. Huh. We should probably get her in a bed, shouldn't we?"

Oson bit her lower jaw. "Um... Neither of our magics is very strong, and Tami's kinda... not very strong either."

Tami gave a single nod. "Not gonna disagree there. I didn't take golf as my PE cause I thought the diamond dogs have a rich and vibrant cultural heritage."

Java pursed his lips. "Dang. Um. She's kinda... bulky... Um... Team effort?"

Tami and Oson spoke as one. "Team effort."

Tami followed that up with, "Just remember to shut off the fuckin' camera first this time."

"Oh, damn, right."

Java's magic envelopes the camera before it cuts out.

"Hi, uh. Running the Rocket'n'Roll suit's engine test now. Um. Notes are included with the video. Oson is way better with this. Eh, fuckit, power up is in a few seconds."

The camera falls over as a deep bass rumbling fills the audio channels of the recording. This is shortly followed by a series of "Fuck fuck fuck!"'s, smoke detector alarms going off, and cries from upstairs along the lines of "Oh, what now?" and less savory phrases.

As the automatic brightness control returns the scene into view, a Quantum Shift is visible, her mane blown backwards in a style not unlike those popular with punk rockers.

"Hey! It works, guys!"

The scene opens. Quantum Shift is wearing a variety of safety equipment and the device, which is a single large cone surrounded by four smaller cones that appear as if they could rotate about on a track. It is mounted to her back, and she is standing on her hindlegs. The point of the cone faces behind her.

She turns her head and asks, "All systems ready?"

Tami speaks over the radio they have set up. "It's as ready as it's gonna be."

Quantum lowers a pair of goggles from atop her helmet. "Any of you think this is a good idea yet?"

Three voices speak as one. "No."

Quantum nods once. "Good. We're all on the same page then. I'm going to start the bootup phases, and hopefully won't need but greatly appreciate Tami waiting for a potential catch-me-before-I-die incident in Cloudesdale. This, this, is going to be awesome."

Java and Oson walk back, past the camera. They converse in hushed voices.

Oson speaks. "I think we should have ran more tests."

Java speaks. "She's like... Crazy committed to this. I don't think there's anything we could've said."

Oson responds. "We could still stop her."

Quantum yells. "Asynchronous chaos splines engaged, harmony flux nominal, full power in three..."

Java solemnly responds, "Nope."

"Two, One, YEEEEEEEHAAAAAaaaaaa......"

The camera watches as Quantum Shift disappears into the sky on a wave of superheated air. A full minute passes before the radio crackles with the voice of one peeved griffoness. "Hey, was there some kinda fuckup? Did she launch yet? I can't see anything coming over here."

Java's eyes shoot wide open. Oson turns to stare at the radio. She cautiously approaches it, and with a trembling hoof presses the transmit button. "Um... Tami... We... Uh... Just come back quickly. We need to work on our alibis..."

The scene unfolds again at the kitchen table of the house of the aforementioned. One Quantum Shift is present, smiling not unlike a madmare, profusely bandaged and casted.

Java Stout shouts, "Camera's on, let's get some evidence up in this!"

Oson is sitting next to Quantum, and is looking over her bandages and cast-clad forehoof. "So, um... What happened?"

Quantum turns her body, her neck brace preventing it's rotation. "You know how chaos magic is unpredictable? The chaos splines over reacted. Guess where I landed. Go on. Just fucking guess."

Java suggests ontop of the Canterholm. Quantum shakes her head no.

Tami suggests Griffonstone. Quantum shakes her head no.

Oson suggests the Crystal Empire. Quantum nods yes.

"The Crystal Fucking Empire. I had a parachute, but that thing put me so far into the upper atmosphere I blacked out from lack of oxygen. I couldn't pull it open. If I didn't plow through all that snow on impact, I'd probably be dead. Instead, I just broke my right hoof, cracked a bunch of ribs, and almost but not quite broke my spine."

Java raises a hoof. "At least you can still smile about it."

Quantum shifts her body to stare at him. "I can't move my face. Between the wind and the shock, it's stuck this way. It should wear off before the bones heal."

Tami shakes her head. "This was such a fucking stupid idea..."

Quantum looks at Tami. "Yes. Yes it was. But I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Ow. OK, after the bones knit, a heartbeat. This smile, stuck on my face? I've been wearing it since the start."

The video cuts out.
Title credits roll:
First demonstration of the propulsive effects of reharmonizd air inside of a chaos-derived spatial contraction field.
For submission to the Defensive Equipment Research Program Association, aka, DERPA.

Evidence as demanded regarding the recent castle impactor event.
For submission to the Day Court, cc Night Court.

Evidence as demanded regarding the recent insurance claims by Quantum Shift.
For submission to the Bureaucratic Employee Insurance Company.

Author's Note

I've had this idea for a picture for a while, of someone wearing a backpack not unlike this. A large cone, with a quartet of smaller cones rotating about it, the whole thing propelling the user forward at an absurd velocity. I kinda wanted to do this more justice, but I've also grown into the opinion that trying to make something perfect means you never end up publishing anything.

Also, the aerospike is a really cool rocket nozzle design.

Where in something does not happen.

Four engineering students were suggested in the title graphic: A female gryphon, Tami Owlson, a male unicorn, Java Stout, a female earth pony, Quantum Shift, and a female changeling, Twefy 'fi Oson. The title card faded to black.

Tami and Oson are at a kitchen table. It is covered in note paper, sticky notes, graphing calculators, and more writing utensils than are probably necessary or healthy.

Tami tosses a calculator onto the table. "Well, it doesn't follow that model. Fuckin' A." She leans back in her chair and looks out the window. "That's a sunrise, isn't it?"

Oson nods absentmindedly while entering numbers into her calculator. "M'mmhmm."

Tami picks up a pen and begins spinning it across her talons. "There just isn't enough data here. We've been at this all night."

Oson continues to nod absentmindedly. "M'mmhmm."

Tami looks at Oson. "You, uh, you OK there, Oson?"

With a slight nod, Oson continues to tap her calculator. "M'mmhmm."

Java Stout wanders into the kitchen. He has a bowl of cereal and a beer held in his telekinesis. "Woah, dudes, you guys still at it?"

Oson nods again. "M'mmhmm."

Tami looks at Java, and contemplates his choice of breakfast materials. She frowns as Java begins to pour the beer onto the cereal. "That's... kinda gross. And it explains a lot."

Oson nods. "M'mmhmm."

Java shrugs and begins to eat his breakfast meal. "Eh. So, you two have been up at this all night?"

Oson nods. "M'mmhmm."

Tami closes her eyes and also nods. "Yeah, this is a real bitch of a problem... I mean, we all know the chaos flux numbers aren't right. Fuck, I'd bet Discord himself gave Signal Jammer a fucked up model that was 'close enough' for that first test. Cheeky bastard... What little data we've got just doesn't match any of the models!"

Oson nods. "M'mmhmm."

Java chews some of his disgusting breakfast. "Well, make a better model."

Tami throws her talons into the air, launching the pen into the ceiling. It sticks in the tiling. There are, on further examinations of the video, a larger number of writing utensils in the room than initially apparent, most of which are embedded in the ceiling. "What the fuck do you think we've been fucking trying to do all fucking night?!"

Oson nods. "M'mmhmm."

Java recoils at the outburst. "Woah, dude. We need to dial it back a bit. You need to chill. Get some rest."

Oson nods. "M'mmhmm."

Java points his spoon at Oson. "And you need to rest, too. You're kinda creeping me out here, Oson."

Oson nods. "M'mmhmm."

Java nods before slurping down the last of his breakfast. "Anyway, it's clear you just need more data. I dunno, we can design some, like, safe tests. 'Cause, well, you know. Like, half of the things we've tried resulted in property damage."

Oson shakes her head. "Eighty percent."

Both of the others stare at Oson. Tami speaks. "You're still aware?"

Oson nods. "M'mmhmm."

Java frowns. "And it's really that bad?"

Oson nods. "M'mmhmm."

Java places his bowl in the sink to rinse it out. "Welp, I'm thoroughly embarrassed now. Slightly more creeped out, too. All y'all need to get some sleep. I'm going to take a nap after I bring Quantum some juice. Her face is still stuck like... that."

As he grips a juice box in his telekinesis and wanders away, he absentmindedly ponders, "Maybe you were right, Tami. Maybe all this chaos work is affecting our minds. Eh. Could be worse."

Tami stares at the ceiling. "Safe tests... He's got a point, Oson. We need more data. But I'm freaking tired. We should get some sleep."

Oson nods. "M'mmhmm."

Tami rolls her head to the side and stares at the changeling. "How are you even awake still? I've been chugging coffee, but you didn't touch any of it."

Oson nods. "I've been using magic to put parts of my brain to sleep in a rotating pattern. It's a trick we developed for long duration scouting missions based on the hyperplasticity of our minds, but every researcher abuses it. It's kinda painful to think in any non-directed fashion right now."

Tami raises an eyebrow. "Is that so?"

Oson nods. "M'mmhmm."

"So... if I were to ask you if you prefer green or black tea with scones or cookies after getting a newspaper or a paperback from the library or the bookstore in the north or south part of town at three or four o'clock...?"

Oson makes a hurking noise as her right eye spasms violently. Her face plants itself firmly on the calculator she was working on. She begins to snore.

Tami's eyebrows switch elevations. "M'mmhmm. Well, that was interesting." She pushes herself away from the table before standing up and stretching. "Yup. Bedtime. C'mon, Oson, I'll toss you in. We can come up with a plan and hit up the hardware store in a couple of hours."

She moves to pick up Oson under one arm, and leaves the scene. She notes, with a curse directed towards Java, that the camera was on.

The scene reopens later that day, outside.

"I will throw you, you speciest fuck, into that wall. I will. Just say that again." Tami, holding an overly dressed unicorn in her talons, turns to face the camera, that is in fact now recording. "You're getting this, right?"

Java's mellow voice sounds out. "Oh, yeah. We're getting this."

The held unicorn speaks as best she can betwixt Tami's talons. "I don't care! Those changelings are ruining Canterlot, and you griffon brutes aren't any better!" The held unicorn proceeds to spit on Tami.

"OK. I've only taken one course in civil engineering, but I'm pretty sure stone is harder than bone. But let's find out!"

A combination of a green changeling magic field, a brown unicorn's magic, and the uncasted left forehoof of Quantum Shift prevent the pictured unicorn from being punched through a wall. Tami screams, and tosses the unicorn aside. "I've had it up to here with this fucking bullshit! For fuck's sake, do you fuck heads even know the meaning of a peace treaty?!" She stomps up to the unicorn. "Do you? DO YOU?! We've got one with you fuckers, and you're barely able to recognize it! For fucks sake, what if you have to deal with some other species, or, fuck it all, some fucker who didn't grow up stuck up the same ass you were!"

Tami is inches away from the now terrified unicorn. "I swear, I fucking swear, the next one of you assholes who bitch about changelings is going to make me regret not taking shot put for PE. Because I will throw your ass. And probably, badly. Now fuck off."

The unicorn runs off. Java Stout speaks up. "Wow. Um. That was a slight bit... unusual?"

Quantum follows up. "Yeah, likewise. You don't normally go for death threats this early in the afternoon."

Tami holds her head with both her talons and ruffles the feathers on her crest. "I'm like, really tired right now. We're operating on like, three hours of sleep right now, and I don't have anywhere near the patience for this kind of shit right now."

Quantum Shift tilts her head. "What do you have the patience for, 'right now'?"

Tami rubs her eyes with a talon. "I don't know. Either extreme retributive violence or just an alcohol-infused hardware store run. I... I am not enjoying my weekend very much at all."

Twefy 'fi Oson nods her head. She blinks multiple times and leans against Java Stout, who wraps a forehoof around her. "We were up all night trying to make sense of the data. I can barely think right now."

Java tilts his head and asks, "Aren't you like, a bit pissed about that speciest jerk?"

Oson shrugs her shoulders. "I'm kinda used to it. It takes too many resources to worry about stuff like that. I'm more worried about this project. We need to get more data. Safely. Without dieing, and breaking more stuff."

Tami sighs before continuing on their walk. "I don't understand you, Oson. Not much. At all. For fuck's sake, she was pushing you, about to hit you. She spat on me. Don't you feel anything?"

"It's only been a few years since the Five-Second War. And the Wedding Invasion was a lot more memorable. And longer. We all get that a lot of ponies won't like us immediately. That's why most of us still go out in disguise, unless we find a group of friends. Oh! I should say I'm really thankful for you, Tami. That was very kind of you. And for the record, I think you should've plowed her through a wall for spitting on you. That was exceptionally rude."

Java takes his forehoof off of Oson and taps his chin. "Five-Second War? When was that?"

Quantum looks at Java, a smile still stuck on her face. Her eyes, however, shine with disbelief. "Didn't you live here then, Java?"

Java turns to Quantum. "Do I look like the most observant of ponies?"

Oson sighs and hangs her head. "You might remember it as 'The Spitwad War'."

Spliced in video from the Five-Second War.

Queen Chrysalis and a horde of changelings are amassed outside the walls of Canterlot, singing a choral piece about the nature of love. They have gathered a small crowd of ponies around them by taking advantage of the preternatural desire of a pony to contribute to a musical number. The singing slowly fades out. Chrysalis addresses the guards lined up along the top of the wall.

"I, Queen Chrysalis, formally declare war upon all of ponykind! Nintyn ei' Ofor, commence the attack!"

A lone changeling, who has lived his whole life for this one glorious moment, smiles as he pulls a lens over one of his eyes. He places a straw to his mouth, takes aim, and exhales quickly through it. A lone spitwad impacts the helmet of one of the guards.

Chrysalis cackles. "And with that, we have officially declared our war. And now, we shall sue for peace!"

She raises a hoof and points to the now confused guards along the top of the wall. "LAWYERS, ASCEND!"

A fraction of the amassed army rise up, holding briefcases and documents in their hooves and magic, speaking the arcane language of the legal system.

Oson shakes her head. "I honestly think the legal battles were more traumatizing than the invasion. If you follow the PTSD cases, there were more from that war than when we all dropped out of the sky."

Quantum tilts her head. "You were part of the invasion?"

Oson shakes her head again before continuing. "No, all the Twefy's and most of the Twefo's were just hatchlings. I was in school then. I'm like, really young in comparison to you guys. People are constantly surprised by how quickly we pick things up.

"I guess that's kinda the point I'm going for. We're really, really adaptable. So I can handle a little abuse.

"I won't lie, though. I kinda wanted you to smear her face on the wall. Especially after that anti-griffon jab. I could feel the hate rippling off of her."

Quantum taps her still locked jaw. "I didn't understand that. Changelings, yeah, we had a recent war. But the last griffon-pony combat was centuries ago."

Tami grumbles. "It was the economic collapse. A whole lot of griffons emigrated here afterwards, and then we got shat on for 'taking pony jobs'." She punctuated that comment with air quotes, a uniquely griffon gesture of sarcasm that has since spread to the other species of Equestria.

Java shakes his head. "Man, all these guys need to just chill out. Have a pint, or something. Speaking of which, here's Screwdrivers. Aside from the drinks, why are we here again?"

Tami ticks off a few items on her talons. "We need fresh ball bearings, a bunch of PVC tubes, some more PVC cement, some more gold dust, and a lot of copper wire."

Quantum interjects. "Don't we have a lot of ball bearings in that pachinko machine?"

Oson shakes her head. "We want some that haven't ever been touched by chaos magic. We need a lot of accurate data, and the bearings in the pachinko might have a latent chaos field about them."

Tami perks up. "Oh, and parts for a few more chaos generators. And more tea for them. I'm glad they started stocking that lately. Oh, and some more instant coffee. I've only got a few jars left."

Quantum shakes her head. "It's kinda gross how you just pour water into the whole jar and chug it. Probably not healthy, either."

Tami shrugs. "Eh. I'm still standing."

After about an hour of wandering isles, picking up supplies, chatting with Clyde over in plumbing about their latest idea as he slowly nods and cuts the PVC pipe to their specification, and enjoying a pint of B plus (a porter with a delightful chocolatey aftertaste, the perfect pick-me-up pint! B positive!), the quartet return to their house. Oson, Quantum, and Tami head into the basement with the supplies, as Java begins to prepare a meal upstairs.

They have realized as a group they are incredible bad about shutting off the camera, but do not mind it very much as they seem to benefit from having evidence, and have been given the camera on permanent loan following the radiation hazard potentially contaminating it.

There is minor conversation as a structure is assembled.

Quantum speaks. "Looks like the bucket at the top can hold a few liters of ball bearings. How's the paddle assembly going?"

Tami holds up a small chunk of PVC with wires sticking out of it. She tilts it around, showing a small set of paddles inside of it. "I got the mechanicals of it wired up. How's the control system looking, Oson?"

Oson is hunched over a circuit board with a soldering iron. Her goggles are resting on her forehead above her eyes. "Just a few more connections. This chip is really something else. I'm glad I got those free samples they ship to people like us. Can someone start punching in the program we need for this so I can transfer it?"

Quantum picks up the calculator and notices that Oson is soldering together contacts on a surface-mount chip less than a millimeter apart. "How the hell...?"

Oson makes another connection. "Changeling. Compound eyes. We are really nearsighted."

Quantum tilts her head. "And that gives you freaky soldering skills?"

Oson makes the final connection on the circuit board. She turns off the soldering iron and returns her corrective goggles to their place over her eyes. "It's part practice, and part really good near-field vision."

Tami walks up, shaking a vial of hoof polish mixed with the gold powder. "You didn't know? I always ask Oson to do electronic work 'cause of that. Heh, remember when we had to get the GameStation serviced? They couldn't even tell she installed that zone-breaker chip into it."

Quantum gives a soft huh. "Dang. I should've had you do the circuits for the Rocket'n'Roll suit."

Oson nods, and takes the mechanical part from Quantum, hooking it into the electronics. "Yeah, probably. Do you have the code ready yet?"

Java calls from upstairs. "Hey! The bread's finished. And the chili is nearly ready, but it can like, stew for a while if you're still busy. Do you guys want a lot of MSG, or a little?"

Tami immediately yells up, "Lots. We're nearly done down here, too."

Java chuckles. "Heh, carnivore. I can do lots. It'll be ready when you are."

Tami hands Quantum the vial of gold infused polish. "Can you get the template on the PVC tube, while I get the program in? Talons are faster than hooves here, I mean."

Quantum picks up a piece of cardboard with runic holes cut into it. "Yeah, I got this." She places the template over a long length of PVC angled downwards, and begins to paint. As the last rune is painted through the template, it glows briefly, indicating the harmonizing spell has been successfully encoded.

Meanwhile, Tami finishes typing in the program and hands the graphing calculator to Oson. "Ready to transfer."

Oson plugs the calculator into the circuit board, and begins the transfer. Seconds later, she unplugs it, and moves over to the assembled experiment. "OK. So, camera on me, please. We've got a bucket of ball bearings set to drop every second past an electromagnet and down a tube angled thirty degrees below perpendicular. This circuit will control the release of the bearings. It also will record how quickly the bearings pass a sextet of magnetic sensors set up around the tube. One at the start of the tube, one before the harmonization runes, one after, one before the chaos generator, one after, and one at the end of the tube just for thoroughness.

"The circuit will steadily increase the chaos generator's output after taking thirty data points, by one milli-teacup a step. We intend to get a decent data plot for just how harmonized matter moves through a chaos field, without having to make an insurance claim. We have enough bearings in here to go from zero to point zero one teacups. Assuming nothing catastrophic happens, we will get another bucket of bearings and set it up for point zero one to a solid one teacup."

Oson flicks the device on. A lone ball bearing drops down into the tube with a clink, the circuit shortly beeps, and the process repeats. She turns to Tami and Quantum. "This experiment can just run itself now. It's time for food." The other two nod in agreement and head upstairs, leaving the camera on 'just in case'.

Time passes. Roughly four hours.

Tami enters the basement. Oson is looking at the numbers that came out of the machine, which is still steadily plinking. Tami looks at the bin the bearings are pouring into.

"What the fuck are we going to do with these ball bearings? There's like... What's the field strength now?"

"We're at point four two teacups."

"Millitea cup steps. Four hundred and twenty times thirty.... Forty two times three times a hundred... one hundred and twenty six times a hundred.... Twelve thousand ball bearings?!"

"I dunno. We've got a bag and a half ready to go."

"How many, in total?"

"About thirty thousand. Enough to step from zero to one teacup. I had Java pick up an extra hundred pack because we had the zero teacup test, and it was cheaper than thirty individual bearings."

"Tatarun chimes..."

"Java and Quantum are thinking up pranks we can do with them."

"How much did this cost us?"

"All together, or just the bearings? We're a few bits short of two hundred all together. Ten thousand one millimeter bearings are pretty cheap."

"No shit? Wow. Have they come up with anything clever?"

"Not yet."

"Any good data?"

"We're getting weird spikes at certain chaos levels. I think we can get a regression analysis to fit this to a function, once we get all the data in. I can say, for certain, Discord definitely gave Signal Jammer a faulty equation. To be honest, I'm getting pretty cheesed off by this."

"Cheese sounds good. I'm going to make some grilled cheese sandwiches. You want one?"

"Yes, please."

"'Kay. Damn, thirty thousand ball bearings... What could we even do with them..."

"I dunno. They're ferromagnetic, if that gives you any ideas."

The following day.

Tami is frowning. "This was a bad idea."

Quantum smiles back. "This is a bad idea. Wrong tense."

Java is grinning like an idiot. "I think this is going to be great. I can't believe it was Oson who came up with it."

Tami is still frowning. "What if she get's hurt?"

Java is still grinning like an idiot. "The electromagnet we built isn't that powerful, it won't explode. Much."

Tami shakes her head. "No, I mean, what if somepony punches her, or something?"

Quantum continues to smile while responding. "Then we rush in and deliver a nerd-tastic beat down."

Java nods. "Yup. We smack 'em around like, um... Like a pinata, or something."

Tami sighs. "Kinda ironic choice of words, there."

Java nods again. "Oh yeah. But I'm pretty sure it'll be ok. The cafe is pretty chill with the idea. And we've got a good cleanup plan."

Quantum waves a hoof. "Wait, wait, hush up guys. I can see her coming."

Oson is sitting at a cafe table with a raspberry scone and a cup of green tea, calmly reading a novel she has borrowed from the library. A clock tower chimes four. A very familiar very pretentiously dressed unicorn passes by on the street, before noting Oson. She scowls before marching up to her. "Well, isn't it the little changeling again. But no big bad griffon to protect you this time."

Oson sips her tea. "Oh, I don't think I need protecting. Perhaps you do, though."

"Is that a threat? I can have you deported, you know."

"It's not a threat. More a... no, it's actually a threat. Yes. My bad. I'd hate to misconstrue myself."

"And what can a little bug like you do?"

"Oh ho ho. I can do a lot. I can do an awful lot. I can do... THIS!"

Oson fires a burst of magic at a suited pony sitting at a nearby table, who promptly explodes into some thirty thousand ball bearings.

"Just like flipping a switch! Are you going to be next? Ah ha ha ha ha!" Oson cackles as the unicorn flees, screaming, tripping over the perceived remains of the converted pony.

Tami, Quantum, and Java carefully walk up towards Oson. A cafe worker likewise approaches with a fresh scone. "My goodness. That was arguably the funniest thing I've seen in years."

Oson gladly takes the scone and chuckles. "Thank you! Can I borrow that broom from you now? We can attach the electromagnet to it to pick up all the bearings, and sweep up the paper mache."

"I'd be more than happy to. You guys, that was amazing, showing up one of those condescending... Well, I shouldn't speak as such while on the clock. You've got this recorded? My goodness, it'd be amazing to watch that again."

Tami tilts her head. "Was it really that funny?"

As he walks back into the shop, the cafe worker chuckles. "My goodness. You've never worked in the service industry, have you?"

The video cuts out.
Title credits roll:
A careful analysis of the reharmonization effect upon matter in a chaos derived spatial contraction field, with focus upon the most probable functions that may describe the results noted, with warnings about potential and probable hazards of applying previous equations perceived as safe.
For submission to the Department of Applied Magic, Canterlot University.
cc, For submission to the Defensive Equipment Research Program Association, aka, DERPA.

An explanation of recent very confusing statements provided to the Royal Guard about rogue changelings exploding ponies.
For submission to the Canterlot Royal Guard.

A copy of a very amusing video.
For submission to the delightful hosts at the Northside Scone Emporium.

Author's Note

A whole lot of ideas here. I had the idea of the Five Second War a while ago; I figured, if changelings could be peaceful, how would they integrate? How would they even begin the process? And then I remembered how the Klingons in Star Trek VI achieved peace with the Federation - they sued for peace. The bit of speciesism in there, well... It's an easy plot device, isn't it? And more importantly, it links things together, and helped solve the problem of what do you do with thirty thousand ball bearings.

They really are that cheap, by the way.

This whole chapter was trying to come up with something silly Oson or Tami could do with this chaos magic idea - but they're arguably the most level headed among these characters. So, they do something safe.

The nearsighted freaky soldering skills is something one of my friends can actually do. It's kinda amazing - he lifts up his glasses and then fixes surface mount chips. Bugs in general are pretty nearsighted, due to the nature of the compound eye. I'd imagine changelings, outside of a really detailed disguise, would be be accordingly nearsighted. So, most of them would probably wear corrective lenses of some sort, unless they're engaging in detail work on something, like art or surgery or soldering.

Oh, and Clyde is also a real person - one of my favorite hardware store workers. He's helped me with an awful lot of awfully stupid projects. And Screwdrivers is also kinda real - there's a combination grocery and hardware store here that has saved my butt when everywhere else is closed by six.

Also, more changeling names! Can you find a pattern?

Much ado about something.

Four engineering students were suggested in the title graphic: A female violent offender, Tami Owlson, a male alcoholic, Java Stout, a female mummy, Quantum Shift, and a female arsonist, Twefy 'fi Oson. The title card fades to plaid.

Sunday

Quantum Shift, at long last, is frowning. She is holding a letter in her good hoof, and rereading it for the third time. Java Stout enters the scene. "Oh, cool, you're looking better. Ah, wait. No, you're looking worse. But your face is looking better? Well, not really. You can move your face. That's good. Uh. What's up?"

Quantum sighs and places the letter on the table. "I just checked yesterday's mail. Get Tami and Oson up. They're..."

"In trouble?"

Quantum sighs again and goes to make herself a cup of tea. "I don't really know. But that last report we filed for class? The new-and-improved function? Word's gotten back to Signal Jammer. And Discord. They want to talk."

Java purses his lips for a moment, before heading to the fridge to retrieve a beer. "OK, I'm ready. Boil some more water, I think we're going to need some pretty high grade caffeination to deal with this."

"OK, one triple caramel latte, one five-shot espresso, a cup of earl grey tea, and a fortified black coffee for yours truly. I think we're ready, dudes." Java distributes the beverages he has made with his freaky barista skills.

Quantum sniffs her tea before taking a sip. She sighs, and then pushes the letter forward towards Tami and Oson. Oson has a small foam mustache. Tami has already finished her espresso.

Quantum points at the letter. "Short version: We're boned. The reigning experts in chaos magic want to talk with us. Signal Jammer, and Discord himself. They're very interested in the work we've done on the spatial contraction function. I think, from the tone of the letter, Signal Jammer justs want to discuss it with us. Discord, on the other hoof..."

Oson wipes some of the foam off of her snout. "What about Discord?"

Quantum sighs again and tosses something onto the table. It's a whoopee cushion. It has writing on it. Tami frowns as she reads aloud, "You're next. Love, Discord."

"It was inside the envelope. This envelope." Quantum shakes a regular sized envelope. "He must've snuck it in there with, well, the same magic we're studying."

Java tilts his head. "What do you think it means?"

Quantum shakes her head and sips her tea. "I have no fucking clue. It doesn't make any sense to me, which I think is the point."

Oson tilts her head. "He used comic sans font. Do you think that means anything?"

Quantum places her tea cup down. "I. Have. No. Idea. This is just... weird. It's like, the only constant with Discord, from what I've read."

Java speaks up. "So, uh, do we have a plan?"

Tami and Quantum state together, "No."

At the same time, Oson states, "Yes."

Tami and Quantum state together, "What?"

"I have a contingency plan for a Discord encounter. It's up in my room. Well, a copy of it. I had to photocopy everything after the radiation contaminated my room. That was a hassle, but it's times like these I'm really glad I did so." Oson runs upstairs to retrieve the aforementioned documents. She returns with a file folder. She pulls it open and begins to read, oblivious to the slightly stunned looks the others are giving her.

"OK, so, step one. 'Check status on life insurance policies.' Oh, dear. Um, step two... 'Check status on safety equipment.' Huh, well, we do that regularly enough. Step three. 'Document status of reality and store multiple copies in discrete locations.' Do the videos count? I think so... Ah, yes, I left a note about that below it. Um. Step four. 'Prepare a full tea service.' Oh, that's nice... Um, step five. 'Collate research on chaos derived spatial contraction fields for review.' Well, that's easy enough, I've got another folder full of that."

She looks up and asks, "So when is the meeting?" She notices that everyone is staring at her. "What?"

Quantum shakes her head and picks up the letter. "Signal Jammer is going to visit the campus on Thursday. I don't know when Discord might be about, but I'd expect he'd like to catch up with Jammer. But I can't know."

Oson taps her chin. "That's reasonable. We can probably use the cafe on campus for the tea service. But we should prepare some cucumber sandwiches and carry a thermos of tea with us wherever we go. I'll make photocopies of my notes for all of us, as well." She heads back to her room to retrieve her notes.

Java looks at the other two at the table. "I feel kinda inadequate right now. Anyone else feeling that? Cause she's, like, on top of just about everything."

Quantum frowns. "I'd expect that from you. You're drunk, twenty-four seven. I really don't know how you do it."

Java closes his eyes and crosses his forehooves. With a smile and a nod, he says, "Practice."

While Quantum slaps her head with a forehoof, Tami has held a worried frown since Oson began reciting her list. "Um. Do you guys know any insurance agents nearby? That'd cover griffons? Cause, I'm feeling I'm a bit inadequately covered right now."

She begins to wring her talons together, looking down at them. Quantum gets out of her chair. "Let me find the phone book. I think I'm gonna need to update mine, too. 'Acts of Gods' were pretty explicitly not covered by the basic policy."

"Alright, ladies. Here are your dangerous mission kits." Java Stout has laid across the table a variety of items. He lifts them up in his telekinesis one by one.

"One. A copy of Oson's notes. Sticky notes have been placed on particularly interesting pages, and she has taken the time to highlight the sections that may save our lives. Read them. Know them. This may be on the test. Heh."

"Two. A one liter thermos. You are to keep this filled with tea at all times. Well, I guess you could have a cup or two throughout the day. That'd probably be fine."

"Three. A small box of cucumber sandwiches. We will be going out there with scones on Tuesday, buttery croissants on Wednesday, and back to cucumber sandwiches on Thursday. I figure we'd get sick of 'em if we had to eat them every day, so I switched it up a little."

"Four. A flare gun. If you're alone, and outside, send up a signal flare in the event of contact. If you see a flare, converge on the location ASAP. We stand a better chance if we stand together."

He places the flare gun back down. He picks up a can of beer and takes a long slurp from it. "We're facing the lord of chaos here. We've just focused on one aspect of chaos magic. Who knows what we're going to see. There's an autobiography of Discord in the living room, along with a copy of 'Discord's Favorite Puns'. I say we should read them."

He slurps again. "These may be our last days in Equestria. Remember to have fun. And if we never see each other again, I want you all to know, I've loved having you as my roommates. You're all really great."

Oson brushes a lone tear from the corner of her eye. Tami is once again wringing her talons in worry. Quantum, however, smiles. "That was the most articulate I've ever seen you Java. I liked it a lot. The flare guns, though, seem odd. Plus, we take a lot of the same classes so we wouldn't really need them. And I don't know if they allow those on campus."

Java shrugs. "I dunno. They let you walk around with that crossbow. And like, half the unicorns there know fire spells anyways, I figure it's like the same thing. Just like, don't burn down the city and we should be fine.

"Oh, and one more thing. Document. Everything." He taps his hoof on the table twice to mark the point. "We'll compare notes at the end of the night. This is a reality warper. If something starts seeming off, the sooner we know about it the sooner we can... um..."

Tami squeaks out, "Collectively start freaking out about it?"

Java shrugs again, and nods. "Yeah, that's about as good as anything I could come up with."

Quantum turns her head to look Tami over. "What's got you so worked up?"

Tami continues to wring her talons in worry. "Oh, I don't know, I just have anger issues and a tendency to curse like a sailor, and we're going to be dealing with the fucking GOD of CHAOS. I think if any of us is going to be blasted out of this dimension or something, it's probably gonna be me when I tell him off."

Java looks upward in thought while slurping his beer. "That's a good point. You're probably going to get us all killed, or worse."

Tami scowls at him. "Not helping here."

Java waves his forehoof apologetically. "No, no, I mean, we should work on those. We can find a way to mellow you out, or something. Like, meditation, mindfulness, or drugs."

"I'm allergic to benzo's and weed makes me paranoid. I'm more more with my swearing when I'm drunk."

Oson turns to look at the coffee cabinet. A small shelf holds the bags of coffee Java Stout uses in his creations. The other two shelves hold jars of instant coffee. "Maybe drink less coffee?"

Tami scowl intensifies. "You rarely say things that make me angry, Oson. I'm going to pretend you didn't say that."

Java claps his hoofs together. "Mindfulness and meditation it is! If you can pretend she didn't say that, then you can pretend you're calmer!"

Tami's scowl lessens, and she returns to looking at her talons. "This week is going to suck ass."

Monday

Oson is looking through the bars of a jail cell at Tami. "So, why am I talking to you in the jail?"

Tami lets out a sigh. "I assaulted three of the ponies in that meditation class you found for me."

Oson's head drops as she lets out her own sigh. "Why. Just... Why."

"I can only take so much bullshit about chakras and magnetic energy healing, and the mantra they were using just really grated on my nerves."

Tami brought her arm to her chest and screws up her face. Moving it away and back from her, she chants, "Waaaa bloooooo. Waaa-aah bloooooo. Waaa-Ah-aaah blooooo." She coughs.

"Ugh. Anyway, when the instructor went on to tell me to release my inner chi to achieve real quantum healing, I picked her up and threw her into two of the other students who were trying to sell me on organic quartz before class." Tami mimes the motion of throwing.

Oson is wearing a stunned expression. "I... really picked the wrong class for you. Seriously wrong. Wow. Organic quartz? Like, silicon-oxide, quartz?"

Tami nods. "Quartz. Yeah. They had samples. They were mostly purple. Anyways, I talked with a lawyer before my arraignment. Those hippies are really forgiving, so they're not pressing charges, and 'cause it's my first offense, I should expect a night or two in here," she gestures at the cell walls, "before being let out with community service and anger management classes. So that will help. She also suggested exercising more to relieve some of my pent up energy."

Oson shakes her head. "We should've thought of anger management first. I guess I'll make sure to get notes for you for the next few days. Do you need anything while you're here, anything done? How do you feel?"

Tami shrugs. "Strangely relaxed."

Oson was slightly freaked out. She took most of the same classes Tami did, and as of late relied upon the gryphoness to serve as a shield from unwarranted attention. Now, she was just a little lost changeling at a big school. And she had a big problem.

"Java, I need your help."

Java puts down the video game controller. "Sure, Oson, what's up?"

Oson sits down and begins pointing with her hooves to mark every point she makes. "I can't change. I can alter my color a little, but I can't change. I haven't in so long, I I I just forgot! I think it was all the memory exercises, and not practicing, I wasn't even very good when I was in the hive I could only copy and I'm scared and Tami's not here and I know that most ponies are good ponies but some aren't and I'm I'm I'm..."

Java has at this point walked over to her and embraces her in a hug. "Seriously freaking out?"

Oson sniffles. "Yes."

"Don't you, like, have a plan for this?"

Oson shakes her head. "I didn't consider this contingency. I've grown really dependent upon all of you, but she's around me the most. And after last week, I think I got worried. It didn't click at first, 'cause I was busy, but now..."

Java maintains the hug, looking over Oson's shoulder. He's alternating between a confused and frowning expression. "Ok, why do you feel you need to go out in a disguise?"

"I don't want to be noticed."

"Um... Don't you have to be noticed for attendance for some of those classes?"

"Dang. And I have to sit up front, too, because my vision's bad." Oson wails, "What can I do?"

"Hooboy... I don't get this, Oson. I really don't. You've gone out alone, like, a lot. Whole bunches of times. We got called by the librarians to come pick you up when they found you sleeping when they opened up shop one day. What gives?"

"I think it's anxiety... I'm prone to it when I don't get enough love. Like, most of us just get really depressed or something, but anxiety is really common too. And there are a lot of things to be anxious about right now."

"Oh. Well, that's easy enough to fix." Java gets up and sits himself back on the couch. "Come here, you can sit next to me on the couch, we'll play some games, feel some good feels, and boom, y'er good to go."

Oson tries her best puppy-dog-eyes impression, which is not terrible successful with glowing compound eyes. "I was kinda hoping you could cast an illusion spell on me."

"Oson. I'm an engineer. I'm learning this stuff because I really suck at magic. I can lift like, ten kilos, max. If I try really hard, I can cool down a beer, sometimes."

"Double dang. Could you escort me to class, then?"

"I've got a bunch of exams coming up, and I've missed, like, way too many classes last week. I'm good for that to the ASK course, but that's about it for tomorrow."

"Triple dang." She sighs. "I'll have to take what I can get. Scoot over."

"That's the spirit!"

"Player 2 has entered the game! Rocket's ready... FIGHT!"

Tuesday

"Please don't see me please don't see me please don't see me...."

Oson was murmuring to herself. She had climbed up on the ceiling, hidden her saddle bags beneath her wings, and had, with what little she remembered about changeling magic, blended her colors in with the surrounding marble.

"Why didn't I just stay home today? I'm a nervous wreck. I... I wouldn't have freaked out, if I were sane right now. I shouldn't have kept the flare gun with me. Oh sweet hives, I really could use a break right about now. Please, please, please, I just want to go home."

She grimaces, as a quintet of slightly singed ponies enters the hallway. She shuts her eyes and tries not to move much.

"I know I saw it running this way."

"It's gotta be down here somewhere."

"Isn't this a dead end?"

"Nah, there's an exit just around the corner to the track'n'field."

"Crap, it could be anywhere then, couldn't it?"

"I dunno. Do you smell... raspberry? Like, these are just lockers... wait... it's coming from..."

The quintet looks up. If Oson hadn't been shaking, the small patterns of shadows she had been casting would've been imperceptible. She was, however, shaking like a leaf. The last one of the quintet speaks again. "Up there."

Oson opens her eyes, the glowing blue a vibrant counterpoint to her currently marble colored exterior. "Fuck."

Magic bursts around her. She buzzes off the wall and down the hallway that supposedly contained an exit. "I'm sorry sorry sorry oh please I'm sorry Exit EXIT EXIT!"

She bursts through the door to the outside. She is constantly mumbling to herself. "There's too much hate, too much hate! Arrrgh, they're using attack magic, what kind of spells, can't tell, no time, so much anger! Faster, Oson, faster, oh no, please don't let me die today. I didn't mean to set them on fire, it was an accident, why did I pull out the flare gun, that wasn't Discord, what's wrong with me, oh no, that was a close shot, faster, Oson, faster..."

She rapidly approaches the entrance to the field. There are cheerleaders practicing, including a set of changelings. They immediately notice her. Being experts at gauging crowd emotions, they can easily detect her distress. As can, for that, most every other pony on the cheerleading crew.

Tears streaming down her face, Oson flies at them, screaming, "HELP ME! I'M SORRY! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" A bolt of some kind of magic sails past her, leading her to wail.

One of the changelings in the cheerleading squad looks to the others. "I think we should help her."

Another responds. "With our... special form?"

The initial one nods. "Yeah. Let's show them what the cheerleading squad is really capable of! Hey, you, get behind us, right now! We've got this!"

Five of the changelings step forward as Oson buzzes over them. With a shimmer of green magic, four of them adopt uniquely non-changeling colors - Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow - but all of them seem to have a strange armor-like coating around them. Their horns still glow, some kind of magic synchronizing between them.

The black changeling shouts out, "Prepare interlock! Thermoshunts, connect! Infracells up! Overcasting is go!"

They all shout out together, "GO CHEAR SQUAD!"

The yellow and blue changelings rush at the black changeling. "Form feet and legs!" They grasp onto the back legs of the black changeling.

The red and green changelings rush at the trio. "Form arms and body!" The forehoofs of the black changeling are summarily grasped.

"And I'll form the head!" A lightning-like flash engulfs the bodies of the changelings, and a blocky, armored chimeric being stands in their place.

A voice like five speaking at once yells at the ponies that had been pursuiing Oson. "We will defend those that can't defend themselves, in the name of peace and justice! Prepare to be defeated!"

The other cheerleaders, who had stopped their routine practices for the transformation, begin cheering on the changelings. This was arguable the most intersting thing they had seen in a long while, as the hoofball teams at their particular university was, while successful, also... rather dull. They had good fundamentals, but lacked the sort of zazz that had just been witnessed.

The ponies that had been chasing Oson halt in their tracks, stunned into silence. One regains their wits fast enough to state, "What the fuck?"

The Cheer Squad yells out, again in the slightly distorted five-as-one voice, "Shimmering Sword!" It rises on it's hind legs, presses it's forelegs together, and releases them, a blazing blade of light forming.

"Oh, hell no.", a pony yells out, before running away. The group scatters, the chimeric being chasing them around the field.

Oson, meanwhile, has stopped running. Her tear streaked face is now contorted in a geusture of extreme confusion. "What... how... dear me... this school is even stranger than we are..."

She looks down and shakes her head. "Oh dear mine. I really don't know how this can compare with everyone else's notes today."

She cautiously approaches one of the cheerleaders on the sidelines and asks, "Is this... normal?"

The senior cheerleader hops up and down, a large smile plastered on her face. "Ohhoho, no, they've been practicing that one for weeks! This is the first time they manifested the Shimmering Sword for more than a few seconds! Oh, my stars, it'll sting like the dickens if they can get a good swat in on those fellows."

"It, uh, looks, a bit... lethal?"

"It's just an energy blade. There isn't really much substance to it. It's about as painful as a flyswatter. Oh, I'm sorry, luv, didn't mean to offend 'ya. But yeah, unless they put a whole lot more into it, maybe if they really had to fight something, save the city and all that... I think it's just 'cause of you they tried this now, and can hold it together. How's it feel, being an inspiration? Oh, are you ok, luv?"

A sharp yip from across the field interrupts the conversation. The cheerleader continues. "Yup. Just like that."

Oson stares at the cheerleader, and then the chimeric figure. She switches between the two for a few seconds, and then looks directly at the cheerleader. "Yes, I think I'm fine. Thank you."

The cheerleader gives Oson a brief hug and a kiss on the head. "You take care now, luv."

Oson begins to walk off of the field in a direction well away from any being else. She's staring down in front of herself. "They will not believe this. Not in the least bit."

Quantum Shift and Java Stout, meanwhile, are having a perfectly normal day. Quantum is pleased that she can rejoin the archery team in a few days after her casts come off, and does not notice anything amiss on the field while she discusses the matter with her coach. Java is enjoying a beer he has snuck onto campus in a secondary thermos while reading the daily paper in the library before an advanced chemistry course.

Tami is having a slightly abnormal day, but having already spent most of one in jail, is somewhat used to it. She is getting pointers on weight training from a fellow inmate, and intends to review some mathematics in the evening after a shower and the dinner.

Oson hides her notes of the day, putting together a false report to share with her friends, until they witness a performance by the pep-band featuring the cheerleading squad some week or so later. Consensus afterwards was that this was a reasonable course of action.

It was, accordingly, not the most atypical Tuesday they had experienced.

Wednesday

Quantum puts down the phone. "I just called the jail. It's the same as the school, everything is in lockdown. We can't pick up Tami today, but she's fine with staying till this all blows over."

Java shrugs. "Yeah, not much we can do about it."

Oson speaks. "Do you think we're still on for the meetings tomorrow?"

Quantum nods. "They should get this all wrapped up before dusk. Signal Jammer wrote the train they were on was leaving the Dodge Junction station at six pm today, so even if there's a delay on the line there's enough time before class to get here."

Java begins to pull some ingredients out of the cabinets. "Well, if we're stuck inside, I guess I'll make one of those tricky recipes today. Seems like I'm going to have a lot of time on my hoofs."

Oson moves to help. "I'm honestly kinda relieved. Yesterday was excrutiating."

Quantum moves to the living room. "I'm going to read some more of that autobiography, call me if you need any help."

Java nods. "Will do. How are you finding it?"

Quantum replies from the living room. "I've just gotten past one of the juicy parts. I'm glad I don't need a towel to read this thing anymore. I'm not surprised it's a self-published work, paper wouldn't normally hold nearly that much fluid."

Java shouts back. "I left some oven mitts out there for the steamy parts, you're gonna need 'em."

The two begin cutting ingredients. After a few minutes pass, Oson comments, "It's strange, don't you think?"

Java raises an eyebrow. "What's strange?"

Oson rolls her hoof in the general direction of the window, indicating the outside. "Well, that. I just think it's strange."

Java's face returns to a neutral expression. "Eh, it's not that strange."

"But in those Oubliettes & Ogres games, the horrors-hoofbook has Quezocotals as being good aligned. And there not being so many of them."

Java shrugs. "Eh. It's a fantasy game, you know? Creative liberties and all that."

"I guess so."

Thursday

Tami arrives back at their house. "Wow. You would not believe how much being in jail sucked."

Oson blinks at her. "We had to spend nearly a month in a tent village while the legal system was ground to a halt after the Five Second War. We had never seen stir-crazy in the hive before that. Thankfully, we had enough love to keep ourselves mostly sane. The entertainer's really helped with that - I think one of the current big comedy programs had their start there."

Tami blinks. "OK, you might know how much that sucked, but the others..."

Quantum Shift speaks up. "I was in a full body cast for five days until they got an X-Ray machine setup in the Crystal Empire hospital. Then another day in a partial cast before I could take the night-train home. My face has just recently healed enough that I can move it."

Tami lowers her head and rubs her eyes. "OK, so you two know how much that sucked..."

Java chuckles. "Oh, man. Are Lock and Key still working there? I loved those guys. They told me what I babbled in the drunk tank the following morning so many times, I'd banter back with them, the captain would come in and threaten to throw Key out, we'd all have a good chuckle."

"OK, OK, I get it. So all of you know how sucky what I just went through was."

Java nods. "Yup. That's why we went to the import-shop before getting you. For what's probably going to be one of your final snacks, we present..."

Oson sings out in the lower ranges of her specie's specialized high-pitched communication. "Dooot doo dooot!"

Quantum presents a bag with the logo on it from the Import-Shop. Tami picks it up and looks inside of it. Her beak falls open and spasms a few times. She looks up and smiles at her friends. "You... you got me bacon bits? Oh my god, you got me real bacon bits?"

Quantum nods her head at Java. "He's had a meal cooking overnight. We figured, well, it's probably our last day alive, so let's make it a good one. We're skipping all classes till ASK, and we're going to make this day as great as possible."

Tami rushes forward and pulls the other three into a hug. "I... I love you guys so much right now."

Oson sniffles. "I know. I can feel it, too."

Java smiles. "Hey, let's not focus on what's coming up. Let's just, you know, grab some food, play a round or two of Rocket Battles, and then..."

Quantum steps away from the hug. "Yeah. We still need to get to campus by three pm. And I'm hungry."

Tami clutches her bag of bacon bits and joins the crowd heading into the kitchen. "I'm digging this plan."

Signal Jammer is at the front of the lecture hall. "OK, so, using the old equations, yes, it's clear we can contract space in a variety of respects, but I was using like, a water-heater full of tea to drive the chaos generator. That's, what is that?"

Discord raises his hand from the back of the room. "I do believe that would be seventy four gallons, or one thousand one hundred and eighty four teacups."

"Right. I just went all out. Not the best of results. I ran the numbers through these new equations, and it fits the pattern. The old equation fits for large values, but smaller steps, not so much... So, I'm pretty glad I've got a better model, cause... Well, I'm still un-contracting the badlands. I think this will let me do it a bit faster, with a provable safety factor, you know, that I won't cause another earthquake, so I'll be free of that royal geas pretty soon. Good job, you lot, by the way. I might have a few questions for you afterwards." Signal Jammer points at the quartet. They are visible sweating.

After Signal Jammer takes a few questions, the class lets out. It's one of the last of the day, so the room remains empty afterwards. Signal Jammer and Discord walk/float up to them. Four thermoses full of tea are whipped out of saddle bags, and a tray of sandwiches of the cucumbery variety are assembled from the collected baggage. Oson is the first to speak. "Please don't kill us."

Signal Jammer's head pulls back in shock. "Um, I, uh, need to talk with you. Killing you would be kinda counterproductive, don't you think? Heh, heh.

"Wait, you weren't talking to me. Damn it, Discord, were you threatening them?!"

Discord smiles. "I don't think I threatened them. Really, I think they're overreacting a smidge. Oh, are those cucumber sandwiches? And sniff Oooooolong tea? Oh my, you're all too kind."

Discord helps himself to some of the tea and sandwiches. Tami slips Quantum a few bits, her thermos of Earl Grey tea as yet untouched. Just because they are certain they may all die doesn't mean they can't engage in a bit of playful gambling.

Java speaks up. "Um, kinda? I mean, the whoopee cushion with, "You're next, love Discord" on it was... kinda menacing. And confusing. We're kinda worried you're gonna like, unmake us or banish us to another dimension or turn us into a glass of water so we'll get drunk...'

Discord pauses on uneating the crusts from around the sandwiches. "You... you honestly think I would do that?"

Oson nods. "We read your autobiography. It did not alleviate any of my fears. I set a few jocks on fire with a flare gun when I thought I saw you two days ago. I'm kinda totally am at my wits end here and may start screaming soon."

Discord tilts his head. "Oh, you poor thing. Here, let me give you a hug, you changelings like those, don't you?" He leans down to try to hug Oson. She begins to scream at an incredibly high frequency for half of a minute, before gasping twice and passing out. Everyone barring Discord had covered their ears; Discord had merely removed his.

"Welp, we're two minutes in and we already fucked up. Do we have a contingency plan for this? One that's not just inside her head? Anyone, anyone?" Tami looks between her friends, Signal Jammer, and Discord. Staring at him, she continues. "You're not going to kill us, are you?"

Discord raises his paw and talon. "Perish the thought! Snicker"

Quantum points a hoof at him. "That was a very noncommittal pun."

Signal Jammer interjects with a head shake. "Discord is actually very helpful. A treacherous bastard very good at writing contracts that make sure all the blame lies on me, but very helpful."

Tami lets out a sigh. If Signal Jammer can talk to Discord's face as such, then they are probably safe. "OK. Listen, tea is nice and all, but we've been freaking out since we got your letter. I could really use a drink right now."

Java perks up. "Screwdrivers?"

Tami looks between Signal Jammer and Discord. "If it's alright with you, can we have this chat over a pint at this nice hardware store a few blocks from here."

Signal Jammer nods. "I know Screwdrivers. I got my first radio set from there. I'm a Canterlot native, you know, I'm just kinda... tied to Dodge Junction till I fix the badlands. I only have a few days a year I can travel. You game, Discord?"

"I do think I may be. I can't wait to see what interesting things you lot will get up to with what I'm about to share with you. I've been watching you since you've opened that letter. So much spirit, so much energy, so much chaos, and you weren't even trying to invoke it this time. If I can cause this much disorder with a simple prop..."

Quantum's face falls flat. "You just did that to freak us out. The whole thing." Discord nods slowly, a smile on his face.

She sighs, and begins to pack her bags. "Yeah, I need a drink now too. This is just too insane."

The others follow suit, and Tami picks up Oson. "So, what was up with quetzalcoatls?"

Discord looks at her. "Oh, that wasn't me. Some ancient artifact or another was stolen or some such nonsense. Vindictive justice and so forth. Happens all the time, really."

Quantum grumbles and hands the bits she won from Tami earlier to Java.

Discord is calmly sipping an A plus beverage, having added a few mixers from the solvents and paints isles. Java Stout is having difficulty dealing with the news he's just been provided with. Discord, with a smirk, asks of him, "So, Doctor Stout, what are your future plans?"

"I... I don't know. I... I guess I'll keep doing what I've been doing."

Tami slams back her drink. "I can't believe you didn't know you graduated four fucking years ago. A fucking P H D in chemical engineering. I know you're oblivious, but Lun's buns, man, that's unbelievable. How did they let you keep taking classes?"

Java rolls the drink between his hooves. "I don't know. I think as long as I kept paying them, they let me sign up for things. I kinda wondered why it got cheaper a while ago when everyone was complaining about tuition rates going up."

Oson sips a cup of tea from her thermos. She's still a bit unsettled from the earlier events and has elected for the calming chamomile she brought with her. "I'm actually really glad to know that. If you can graduate, then so can I! Also, you're coming with me to the library tomorrow. They let faculty check out books for four weeks instead of three!" She puts her hooves up to her face and squees.

Quantum Shift takes a drink. "He's not faculty, but I'd be interested to see what might happen. We can make use of this. A bloody chemeng degree? We can probably get access to the chemistry departments stocks. They've got liquid nitrogen down there. A liter of liquid nitrogen is less than a bit, dudes. Less. Than a bit." She taps the table for emphasis.

Java continues to roll the drink between his forehooves, the longest ever such a thing has existed in such a dangerous location. "I'm kinda having difficulty processing this, guys. Can we talk about something else? Like, um... The equations?"

Signal Jammer speaks up. "Discord and I have already had a delightful chat over the equations you lot have provided me with. I must admit I very pleased you had such detailed notes prepared on the subject. Really, I had hoped to have a pleasant evening with like minded folk while I was in town. I was intending to visit Ellen in the hospital before her surgery, but when your research came across I was able to petition for another day in Canterlot to, ahem, get to know you."

Twefy 'fi Oson's eyes flare open. She sits up, grasping the table. "You're meeting Twent Kiloth Ellen?! She's famous!"

Jammer's head tilts. "Of course. I'm responsible, after all, for why she's in there. She's my HAM-radio buddy. Has been since even before the Invasion. We still chat over the network, very regularly. I mean, I'm stuck in Dodge Junction fixing things, and she's embroiled in the whole, well..." Jammer looks at Oson. "I'm sure you know what."

Oson releases her grip on the table and shrinks back into her seat. "So... what do you know?"

Jammer nods. "Everything. I was there at the court, after all. Celestia was still pissed I caused all those earthquakes with the spatial contraction field shrinking the Badlands, also, once again, as always, screw you Discord, you should've mentioned that the weight of all that land shrinking to a smaller area would've had geological significance,"

Discord calmly adds a few nuts and bolts to his drink, which fizzle into nothingness. "It was all in the contract that..."

"That I signed, yes, damn it all. That was some exceptionally fine print. I digress... Luna was very interested in what Ellen had to say."

Oson's eye twitches. In a hushed whisper, she says, "You do know everything."

Signal Jammer gives a single nod. Discord drinks his concoction, and belches an iron-red cloud. Tami, Java, and Quantum are looking at each other. Tami, once again, breaks the silence. "Knows what? Is this some like, dark political intrigue kind of thing? We're already in enough trouble. I'm curious as all get out, don't get me wrong, but I really don't want to go to jail again."

Discord chuckles. "Oh, it's all in the public domain. But that doesn't mean it has been made easy to find. Would you like to see it? I'm ever so grateful for the results it had."

Oson mouths "No" at Discord. Quantum, however, does not notice. "Well, yeah, I'd like to see it. I don't even know what it is, but if it involves you two and Luna, then I'm pretty damn interested as well. Hey, Java, get us another round. It looks like it's story time."

Jammer smiles. "Well, if you're so keen on it..."

The video c....

Oson flips the table. "NO! THIS IS NOT YOUR STORY TO TELL. Not yet."

Java is still rolling his beer across his hooves. Everyone else's drinks are lost with the flippant behavior of Oson. Discord's drink is causing a mild degree of corrosion on the floor, before igniting the linoleum.

Quantum and Tami hold a shocked expression. Discord smirks. Jammer nods. "I know Ellen. But... You're right. There's still work to be done."

Oson looks at the others around herself, before moving to try to pick up the table and restore it to a degree of order. "I'm... I'm sorry. Let, um, let Ellen know we are all really grateful."

Jammer nods again. "I do think I'll share with her the results of your jet tests, though. They seem relevant."

Quantum waves her still plaster encased forehoof. "I can't say they were the most successful."

This gets a laugh out of Jammer. "Oh, wow. It was actually you that flew that? Well, I wouldn't worry. Compared to some of the things the Diamond..." The sentence cuts off as Oson grips the table once again. "Sigh. It seems you're a tad touchy on the subject."

Tami rubs her forehead with her claws. "For fuck's sake, Oson, we know the changelings were manipulating us into a space race. It was one of the biggest factors leading up to the griffon's economic collapse."

"And you don't hold that against me? Against us?"

Tami holds her head. "Oson, of course I do. Every griffon who found out about the manipulation is slightly pissed off. I've gotten over it, myself. For the most part. I really like you, Oson. You're great." She rubs Oson's head affectionately. "But man, you guys had a really warped idea of how to 'help' society."

Oson shakes her head. "We're... really sorry."

Signal Jammer frowns, then smiles. "Yup, just as Ellen said. "Everyone loves a race. And the only thing that could get us to the moon, would be love."

Signal Jammer laughs. "But that's not my story to tell. Hah, it'll probably be in a history book in the next century or so. You know... well, they're planning a new moon mission? Luna left behind some things, apparently..."

"It was her love of our moon program that revitalized our race..."

"Yeah. Anyway, I gotta head back. The train leaves in a few, and the Badlands ain't gonna fix themselves."

Discord smirks. "So, gentlemares and stallion, are you up for a pleasant night?"

Friday

Twefy fi' Oson is screaming in horror.

Tami Owlson is screaming in terror.

Quantum Shift is banging on Oson's door. "Shut the fuck up, it's six in the sunfucked morning!"

Oson rushes out of her room into the bathroom. Running water is heard through the door. Quantum pokes her head into Oson's room.

It's dark. Oson mentioned she's got very good night-vision. She flicks the light switch. Not much of a change in illumination - some sheets of paper glow with a faint blue fluorescence. Oson also mentioned changelings can detect UV light. Oson must've replaced her ceiling lights with ultraviolet lamps. She flips a second light switch, which is triggered to an electrical outlet with a lamp plugged into it. The room practically materializes before her.

Bookshelf. Drill press. Bookshelf. Work bench. Bookshelf. Bookshelf. Small wall full of bookshelves. Tool chest. Window. Filing cabinet. Bed.

Thought one: "She was able to get all this replaced on that insurance claim? Wow."

Thought two: "Why is Tami in her bed?"

Thought three: "How much... how much did we drink last night?"

Meanwhile, Tami has been staring at Quantum, bedsheets tightly pulled up against herself, merely her eyes poking out. They are filled with either/or terror or rage. "Go. Away. Now. Get away now. I will end you if you speak of this."

There is a blank expression on Quantum's face. "Yeah, sure. Do you want the lights on, or off?"

"Off."

As she leaves the room Quantum flicks the lights off. "I'm going to start breakfast. It's too early for me to give a shit..."

As she passes down the hallway, she looks out a window. "Damnit."

Java Stout coughs from the water poured over his head. Quantum is not looking at him happily. She is, in fact, very not happy. "Hey, Java."

He coughs again. "Hey, cough, Quantum. What's cough up?"

Quantum points to Discord, who is sleeping with a lampshade over his head, on their couch. "I don't mind that we took Discord in overnight. It's a nice gesture. I don't mind that you left the GameStation on. Not a problem. I do mind, however..."

Java rubs his head. "Oh boy... We're not in jail, are we?"

"No, we're in our living room. But we're probably going to be in jail soon."

Java falls out of the chair he had fallen asleep in. "Dang, what did I do this time?"

Quantum sighs. "Come with me to the window, Java."

He follows her to the window. It's a beautiful morning. The city is just beginning to wake up, with the occasional scream of terror as the citizens look upwards. Following their terrified gaze, he too notices the discrepancy.

Quantum sternly states, "It's plaid, Java. The sky is plaid. I know you two were up the latest -"

"Yeah, I only got like, three hours of sleep..." He rubs his temple.

Quantum continues. "And this somehow relates to whatever caused the sky to turn plaid. Java, I know it's partially your fault. Get Discord up, get the sky normal, and don't do this again. I'm going to make breakfast."

Java screws up his face in confusion. "How the hell do I wake up Discord?"

Quantum throws up a hoof. "I don't know, and I don't care. Make him some coffee or something. Just de-plaid the sky."

She shakes her head as she walks into the kitchen. "It's still way too early for this shit..."

Quantum Shift sets down the second set of mugs of coffee. "One quantum of solace ready to go down the hatch. Waffles up, in about a minute for the first batch. How do you want yours, Discord? Haha, I jest, I can't control this thing for crap. And it's a waffle. Not much you can do to one of them without, like, a fancy waffle iron."

She points a spatula at the table, where sits Discord and her roommates. She glares at Discord. "And fuck YOU if you dare fuck with my waffle iron! I don't know how but I will find a way. I. Will. Find. A Way."

Java raises an eyebrow. "Your a bit uptight this morning, Quantum. What's, um... what's up?"

"Java... I am trying really hard right now to remain civil. I have had to deal with, in the past hour, a plaid sky, an abomination in the refrigerator -"

Discord raises a paw. "That wasn't my fault, I'll have you know."

"I damn well know! Java, I am going to kick your butt to kingdom come if you ever leave green peppers in the back of the fridge for so long again!" Java shrinks below the table.

She touches her head with a hoof and takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I've just had a really stressful morning... Especially after seeing..."

Oson mouths "Please don't."

Tami mouths "I will end you."

Quantum shakes her head. "I just... sweet Celestia... I can't believe I'm saying this. I just want to go to class."

Discord consumes a portion of a waffle, which, as they have yet to be served, was an impressive impossibility. "Perhaps I should then. You found them after a night of intercourse."

Quantum slams her good forehoof into her face. Oson's blush intensifies. Tami stands up from the table. Tami calmly pushes Quantum aside, removes the waffles from the iron, and proceeds to throw the iron at Discord. Comically, it clamps around his head. With a hiss, he removes it from his head. His face has left an impression in the iron. Quantum sighs and moves to wash the iron before the next batch of face-waffles.

Java has a confused look about himself. "Um... Wait, you guys weren't girlfriends this whole while? Cause you're like... Really close together, like, most of the time. I mean, in every Rocket Battle match you two teamed up in, dang. Quantum and I couldn't touch you."

Tami screeches at him. "Java! What the fuck?!"

Java shakes his hooves in front of him. "I don't mean anything bad about it! I just figured, you know, she gets so freaked out when you're not around and you calm down when she's there! And I was pretty surprised, you know, 'cause of so many issues with dating a housemate. I just figured you guys were making it work, you know? Please don't kill me." He promptly hides under the table.

Oson is at this point glowing red, her whole carapace shifted towards the color. Tami is scowling. She takes a deep breath, and sit's back down. Closing her eyes and rubbing a talon across them, she gets back up and leaves the table.

She returns with a talonful of colorful construction paper. She shower's Oson with them before sitting down again. "Every single one of the hug voucher's I got from you. I think I'm paid off now." With a wing, she pulls the little changeling's chair closer. "I'm going to need more of those."

Discord smirks. "I'm glad you didn't waffle over that decision."

Tami's wings contract in anger, pulling Oson closer. "I will... I will... I will kill you so hard right now..."

Oson, smiling, looks up at Tami, then levitates a few waffles onto their plates and tries to get up. "Come on, Tami. I think we can finish these over a few quick Rocket Battle games. And I've got a contingency plan for this."

Tami cocks her head. "For killing Discord?"

Discord frowns, pulling his head back slightly. "For, killing me?"

Oson nods. "Oh, yes. I have two containment and control plans, and another two eradication plans, plus another plan that might only accidentally eradicate him."

Tami looks at those gathered around the table. She looks left, then right, then at Oson. She plants a small kiss on Oson's head. "I'd love to look over those plans with you, Oson. Let's play some Rocket Battles."

Discord picks up a freshly baked face-waffle. "Well. I suspect I've overstayed my welcome. I'll just leave you with this, and be on my way. Delightful confectionary work Quantum Shift." He sets down a book on the table, gets up, and takes his leave. "I really would love to stay and chat longer, but I'm honestly somewhat slightly frightened. I'd normally try to destroy the papers, but..."

Quantum shifts her expression to a smirk... "Her contingency plans for dealing with you included making multiple copies of any relevant notes, including those devoted to your destruction."

Java peeks up from below the table and forks a bit of waffle. "Some of which are radioactive, some of which are hidden, and some of which are stored in the DERPA archives which have a responsibility to respond to their destruction with, um..."

Quantum places a face-waffle on her own platter and shuts off the griddle. "Overwhelming firepower?"

Java peeks up again to fork another bit of waffle. "Yeah. The reharmonized arrow in a chaos-field in an atmosphere test are apparently really interesting to those guys. I remember I checked the mail a few weeks ago, and we got a really big grant for further research."

Quantum faces-hoofs again. "For fuck's sake, Java, you need to tell us when you pick up the mail. I already applied for a student loan for the next semester."

Java peeks up again and grabs another forkful of waffle. "Well, you can probably pay it off right away. They're really liking the work we're doing."

Quantum sighs and drizzles some syrup on her waffles. Sarcastically, she waves her fork and says, "Well, grand. I sure do love me some paperwork."

Discord waves a paw as he leaves their apartment. "Right.... It's been a delight. I can't wait to see what you get up to in the future. Ta-ta!"

Quantum sighs again. "He's going to be monitoring us or something, isn't he?"

Her face-waffle speaks to her with it's syrupy tongue. "I certainly will be."

She stabs down with her fork into the face-waffle's eye. It cries out in pain. "Get me a chaos flux sensor, Java. And the geiger counter. I'm going to get a bowl of cereal. Seriously, this has been the worst fucking morning. I love waffles, and even those have been ruined for me. What else can go wrong today?"

Java peeks up to grab the remains of his waffle. "Well, we have an exam in Coding Theory today..."

A cry of anguish escapes Quantum's mouth.

For submission to the four nerds who put up with me, love - Discord.

Author's Note

One final entry.... Well, no, I suppose there may be an epilogue where in the book Discord drops off is explored... Yes, a few more experiments. What all would Discord elect to share with those who play with Chaos Magic?

This is probably the most flippant and offensive-language rich thing I will write that involves ponies...

I hoped this wasn't an unpleasant read. I'm either going to have a serious reconsideration about changelings after upcoming episodes, or will be able to continue as I've thought with stories. I'll either get back on "Shield Generator", or start "Crimson Cowboy" or "The Numerous Crimes of Dr. Clocks", or perhaps even the story of Twent Killoth Ellen, "Moonshot!".

Bugger me, there are too many ideas in this head of mine.

Oh, and the tea selection - Tami figured Earl Grey would be the prefered tea, and Quantum actually read the Autobiography of Discord's, so she knew Oolong would be prefered. Oson wanted a calming beverage despite her research. Java just went with a generic black tea.

Edit: Found a few typos. Nasty little beasties, them. Also was considering mentioning I do most of my writing in a fairly sleep deprived state (as if that justifies anything) and am doing this without an editor or, in the first draft, a spell-checker. I really just tried to throw ideas against a wall and paint over what didn't stick.

Wait. Hold on a second.... I've got magnets.... post-it notes.... way too much super glue.... and the back of the whiteboard is a sheet of steel.... I.... I'll be back later, I need to throw some ideas against a wall.

Epilogue: Yo, Something still seems to be happening...

These memchrystals were found years later, with a book next to them indicating a number of Chaos Magic based spells that were, upon review of the memchrystals, elected upon not to be investigated.

Four engineering students were suggested in the title graphic: A female gryphon, Tami Owlson, a male unicorn, Java Stout, a female earth pony, Quantum Shift, and a female changeling, Twefy 'fi Oson. The title card faded to black.

"OK, camera is up. You guys ready?" Java Stout enters the shot. The four are assembled once again in the basement, in front of the pachinko machine.

The pachinko machine has been modified. Many of it's paddles, bumpers, and lights have been removed. A few simple plastic pathways have been installed. The backing graphics have been removed, and replaced with runes suggestive of chaos magic.

Oson steps forward. "We are investigating the Temporal Mechanics spell Discord has provided us. As we do not know how time travel works, we have set up a simple test. We will set up one ball bearing to fall through this pathway. This will, in turn, trigger a rune which will send a signal back in time, which in turn will cause the circuits in the pachinko machine to move this paddle in the past, preventing the ball bearing from falling through the sensor."

"If time travel is possible, then the circuits will flip and prevent the ball bearing from falling down."

"If time travel is impossible, then the circuits will not flip, and the ball bearing will be collected in the bottom of the pachinko machine."

"We've already confirmed the pachinko machine has negligible residual chaos flux, so the spells currently active on it are, with high probablity, the only variables we have to be concerned with."

Quantum Shift nods. "Let's fire this sucker up." She flicks the switch on the machine's backside. A ball bearing falls from the uppermost portions to it's lowermost portions.

A minute passes.

"I guess time travel really isn't possible."

"That's amazing, it worked!"

"I'm kinda bummed out, dudes. It'd be pretty sweet if we could go back and tell ourselves about the past."

"Oh my goodness, there are so many things I want to tell my past self! We could avoid so many conflicts with this spellcraft! We could prevent the griffon's economic collapse, we could prevent the Invasion..."

"I guess it's for the best. Like, gambling as an industry would probably fall apart if time travel worked."

"Hey, should those runes be glowing so brightly?"

"Hey, should it be making a whining noise?"

The modified pachinko machine explodes, violently.

One review of records later....

Quantum Shift rubs her forehead. "OK, why did we think it was a good idea to set up the machine with a paradox as a test? I'd like to think we're smarter than that but I'm getting pretty concerned we're not."

Oson is applying antiseptic fluid to a gash on Tami's forehead with a cloth. Tami hisses back from the sting. Oson frowns, not desiring at all to cause any pain, but knows she has to keep cleaning the cut. Tami speaks, "We had to be sure it wasn't just a rouge spell effect. All the other tests could've just been magic flipping it to a state that looked like we sent something back in time, or hiding it when we sent it forward. OW, damn, not so hard, Oson."

Java Stout is applying a technically antiseptic fluid to his insides. "And we figured something was up when we tried sending a radio signal back in time, and kept getting that dejavuy sense of extreme creepiness before we could even send a message."

Oson is applying gauze to Tami's head. "Then there was the graphing calculator program that was supposed to iterate a fractal pattern, sending back the iteration to it's earlier state to iterate forward."

Tami nods. "It was really creepy that "Ascension" was left on it's screen."

Oson shakes her head. "I'd say I'm more creepped out the logic circuits vanished. Just burned right of the chips. If I hadn't smelled burning plastic, we'd never have opened it up to see."

Quantum finishes rubbing her forehead. "OK. So time magic exists, and we are all in agreement we don't want to fuck around with it?"

A resounding cry of 'yes' fills the room.

She turns back to the book Discord had left them, '101 Handy Chaos Spells!', and flips to the next chapter. "Oh, well, this looks promising. Hey, Java, catch." She picks up a screwdriver and tosses it at Java, who barely catches it with his magic. "Get the mirror off the bathroom wall and bring it down here. We're building a dimensporter."

Java frowns. "Can't we just do it in there, it's really big for a mirr-"

He's cut off. Quantum is pointing her forehoof at him. "No chaos magic in the bathroom. Never again." Java Stout tenses, his eyes widening as if a repressed memory suddenly came flooding back. Carrying the screwdriver, he nods, and heads upstairs to the bathroom.

"Hey, the soup's nearly ready! I got some of yesterday's bread out and toasting. Are you still down there, guys?"

Tami rubs her head underneath the bandage. "For fuck's sake, Java... YEAH! We're still down here! Did you fuckin' see us walking upstairs, through the damn kitchen?!"

Java trots down the stairwell. "I dunno. How's the dimensporter going?"

The dimensporter is built around the large bathroom mirror they have. It's a curious contraption, with an incredible amount of wires, breadboard circuits, piezoelectric crystals ("OK, so, it's kinda weird, but those hippies have like, the best quartz crystals I've ever seen. Just play along with their little song and dance, we can probably get a good deal from these crazy fuckers."), and a few protractors glued to a couple of lasers serving as alignment devices. Magic runes fill the entirety of the back of the mirror, painted on with gold-infused hoof-polish.

Oson is finishing soldering the power supply for the circuits together. She blows on it for a moment, and then plugs it into the machine and the mains power for the house. Blinkly lights blink, the mirror shimmers with magic, and Oson nods. "We should be good to go for our first test, assuming... Java! What are you doing?!"

Java has marched through the mirror. In terror, Oson chases after him. In terror, Tami chases after her. In annoyance, Quantum grasps the camera and chases the lot of them, muttering under her breath, "Bloody idiots..."

Java is looking about their basement. "It's, uh, exactly the same, dudes. I think it's busted."

Tami growls. "For fucks sake! We've been at this for hours... Let's just get some food and look over our shit later..."

The quartet head upstairs. Java pours himself a mixture of vodka and water, and the rest begin serving themselves his tomato and eggplant soup and slices of toasted bread. From the upturned noses, something seems to smell off about the recipe.

Tami quickly drinks a large portion of the broth after she served herself, and retrieves a second helping right away. Quantum dips some of the toasted bread into the soup, and contemplates the strange flavors. Oson takes a single spoonful into her mouth and tries to make sense of the taste...

Oson states, "Something seems... odd about this soup."

Java raises an eyebrow. "Really? I followed the recipe exactly..." He lifts up the cookbook he used in his magic and shows them the recipe. It is at this point that Tami vomits. Quantum shortly follows suit, but with less material in her stomach, does not achieve the spread or distance that Tami did.

"Woah, dudes, it can't be that bad."

Oson is shivering in fear. "Ja... Java.... look... at the recipe..."

Java tilts his head in confusion and flips the cookbook around. He tilts his head the other way. "Huh. That's weird. All the text is backwards. Reversed? Mirrored? Whatever."

Tami pauses her projectile vomiting. She looks up at the clock ticking counterclockwise, it's digits in clearly the wrong order. She stares at the cookbook, able to read the strangely mirrored font with some effort. '.pous tnalpgge dna otamot' She vomits again, and screams, "Why is it mirrored?!"

Java looks at the recipe himself. "Huh, I guess the dimensporter worked, and sent us to a mirror dimension. Woah. I put a lot of spices into this. If they're all mirrored, that means all the chiralities have flipped on the individual molecules and..."

Tami once again vomits loudly. Oson moves over to rub her back. "Oh yeah, some of them are probably pretty toxic right now. Oh, man, and all the proteins are going to have the wrong-hoofedness too. We really can't stay here without our own foodstuffs. I, uh, think we should, um, head back to the basement."

The three females head down with all due haste, but Java takes the bottle of vodka he had been drinking from in his magic before heading down himself. "I'm sure they won't mind if I took this. After all, ethanol is non-chiral..."

He pauses. He grabs a piece of paper and scribbles out a note, leaving it on the table, then continues downstairs to the dimensporter.

Tami has returned upstairs and is chugging a bottle of a bismuth based stomach settler. Quantum is drinking a large glass of water. "That sucked."

Tami belches, and consumes a glass of water herself. "We're back in our normal dimension, right? I don't want to suddenly find out I just drank a poison."

Oson looks at the clock. The hands are moving clockwise. She checks some of the cookbooks Java owns. The text is normal. She takes a sip of the soup. "Tomato and eggplant. Tastes delicious." Java pumps his hoof in pride. "I'm pretty sure we're back home."

Java raises the bottle of reversed vodka - or akdov - in his hoof. "Let's celebrate with a drink!" He moves to where he had his own bottle and the various shot glasses and mixers that'd go into a proper mixed drink. He pauses. Something is missing. "Wait a second..."

His eyes shoot towards the table. On it rests a message. It's mirrored. He flips the thin paper around and holds it up to the light, reading the message through it. "I borrowed your booze. Sorry about the puke. Stout."

He slams the bottle of akdov down on the counter top. "That son of a bitch stole my booze!"

Oson taps her hoof against her chin. "Are you sure that's not your own vodka, just mirrored? I'm wondering if we really traveled between dimensions..."

Java shakes his head. "No, I left a different message. 'Hey, I'm sorry about the puke. Borrowing your booze. Java.'"

Oson looks around the table's other side and sighs. She moves to get the mop. "This floor isn't going to clean itself..."

Quantum raises a hoof. "Wait, Oson, I think there was another spell we could try."

Tami would be the first to admit that Oson looked extremely cute in a maid's outfit. In fact, she did so. "You look really cute, Oson."

"Oh, O'm Always pleased to be at 'ya service, gov'nress!", she responds with a mid-air curtsy.

Tami scrunches her beak up, determined not to let the adorableness of the changeling before her get to her. She begins to hover a few feet in the air, her wings gently flapping, as she tries to scrub... something off of the ceiling. "We should've known a cleaning spell from Discord would've... not worked as it should've."

Oson, meanwhile, has begun buzzing past the cabinets with a rag full of sanitizing deep cleanser. They looked better after each pass, but she was clearly settling for less than perfect, having seen them when she moved in. "Well, at least we were out of the main effect zone."

Java trots down from upstairs. "Quant's in the shower. I think she's done puking. She asked me to go to Screwdrivers and buy their entire stock of hydrogen peroxide. Is it ok if I ditch you guys for a few?"

Tami screws up her face. "The way she smelt? Get going. And bring back some more bleach. I don't think this shit up here is to be trusted. Celest, I think I might need a chisel..."

Java heads for the door, and pauses. "Wait a second. If I'm thinking like I think I'm thinking..." He levitates up the sheet of metal they had painted the most recent spell onto, and rushes down stairs.

Tami shouts at him, "What the fuck are you doing?!" She descends to the floor, and heads towards the basement. As she reaches the door, the sound of the dimensporter fades, and Java walks triumphantly back upstairs.

He enters the kitchen, and begins to touch his horn to the runes on the metal plate. Oson screams out, "Oh, nonono, TAKE COVER!" She rushes out of the room.

Tami moves to tackle Java, before, in a flash of light... the entire kitchen is spontaneously spotlessly spicly-and-spanly clean.

She stops, stunned. "Wha.... what the fuck?"

Java smirks. "I tossed our runed plate through the dimensporter. They tossed back theirs. It's reversed. This spell is the reverse of Discord's cleaning spell. Pretty clever, don't you think?"

Oson pokes her head through the doorway. She moves to look at the runes. "Magic... doesn't work that way. These runes don't even make sense..."

Java crosses his forehooves and closes his eyes. With a nod, he says "Chaos magic."

Tami rubs her head. "Fine. Just, fine. Get your butt to Screwdrivers, pick up the H2O2, and Oson will make a new lunch. Cause I know how much you all love my cooking." She throws her head in a sarcastic fashion.

Java raises a hoof. "Metal fires are not normally considered a part of gourmet cooking..."

He is summarily thrown out the door of their house.

Oson meanwhile has begun pulling out items to make a new meal. Tami walks up to her and places her talons on Oson's back. "Just reheat some of the old chili. Knowing him, he's going to be there for at least a pint or two, and Quants..."

A disgusting retching noise is heard from upstairs. "How did it get into my sinuses?! ARGH!"

"Is busy. Come on, I don't want to see you in that maid uniform any longer."

Oson drops her head. "I thought you said I look cute..."

Tami picks up Oson, who eeps. Tami brings her head closer to Osons. "Those statements are..." She plants a kiss on her head. "Not mutually exclusive."

Oson turns her head away, a deep blush on her chitin. "I... love it when you talk nerdy to me."

They head for the basement, away from the sounds of smelly misery coming from the upstairs bathroom. "Why me, damnit?! Argh, Sombra's ass, I'm going to be smelling this all week!"

Oson, Tami, and Java are enjoying the reheated chili. Quantum enters the kitchen, her coat, tail and mane bleached white. There are cotton wads stuffed into her nostrils. She looks around the room, slightly amazed at it's cleanliness. Java looks up and asks, "Um, your nose OK, Quants?"

She shakes her head. "I blew it so hard I got a blood nose. I think I got most of whatever... that stuff was out of it. Nice job on the kitchen, though, guys."

Java chuckles, and pulls up the runed plate. Quantum recoils in horror. He taps it a few times, "I sent it through the dimensporter! And they sent theirs back! The spell is totally reversed."

Quantum is still backing away. "I don't practice outside of runic magic, but I know it doesn't work that way."

"Chaos magic."

She pauses. "You know, that's stupid enough to work. I think, though, I'm done with this today. We've got all of tomorrow before classes start again on Monday to look over that spell book." She walks over to the trash bin and pops the cotton balls out of her nostrils. Waiting a moment, to acertain the blood flow has stopped, she sits at the table. "Aren't these the left overs from last week?"

"I, uh, didn't have much time to make something new..."

Java lifts a spoon and taps his chin, oblivious that he's getting chili over it. "Really? I had like, at least five pints over there while they got the rest of the peroxide stock up from their basement... Then I had to borrow a cart to carry it all back, and return it... Have another pint, a chat with Clyde... So that'd be at least an hour."

"I needed her help down in the basement! I was, I was looking at another one of the spells!"

Quantum taps her chin. "I did hear you yelling a bit ago. I meant to ask, are you ok, but now I'm remembering yesterday. You two were screwing down there, weren't you?

"I'm guessing by your stunned faces you were. I don't really care, you know, right? Frankly, my biggest concern right now is if the smell of blood is enough to over power what's still wedged up in my sinuses. Seriously, I can't place what the fuck it is, but damn, I don't like it." Quantum reaches for the pepper and pours an overly generous quantity onto her chili.

Java is wiping his face with a napkin. "Yeah, me neither. Seriously, I figured you two were a couple for like, the whole semester. Why are you so weirded out by it now? Did you just figure out..."

Quantum pops the cap off the pepper shaker and pours some on her bread. Between bites, she states, "I think they just realized yesterday. I don't care. I've had more shit happen to me in the past forty eight hours for me to even start to worry about this."

Java points his spoon. "It's kinda tsundere, don't you think?"

Quantum looks at him. "It's six o'clock. The sun is right there." She points in a slightly western direction.

Java shakes his head. "No, no, tsundere. Like, it's angry & cute. It's like, a super popular trope in those manga's I got. Cute filly, acts like she doesn't like the dude with a vengeance, but also act's like she likes the dude. Normally it's in one character, but here, Tami's the tsun, Oson's the dere. Or the other way around. I don't remember."

Quantum shakes her head. "I don't know, I've never read any of those. I don't get why you like those stupid foreign comics."

Java smirks and raises an eyebrow. "Says the mare who built a super heroine styled flight suit."

Quantum starts to point at him, and then chuckles. "Got me there. Anyway, I'm done. I'm gonna chill with some Rocket Battles. You game, Java?"

Java plinks his spoon into his own empty bowl. "You bet! Hey, wait a second... They, uh, haven't moved."

Tami and Oson have, indeed, not moved. A fierce blush fills both of their faces. Quantum sighs. "For fucks sake."

Quantum picks Oson up, and shoves her into Tami's lap. She pushes Oson's bowl of chili over. "I need to reiterate, we don't care. Just don't start any drama... well, more drama than usual around this place." She places her dishes in the sink, and joins Java in walking into the living room.

Java wiggles his eyebrows. "So... you want to start some drama with me?"

"You're a an irritating alcoholic who has inadvertently caused me physical harm, is ten years my senior, and didn't even realize he graduated so fiscal prospects are kinda right out. You're a great friend, Java, and a great cook, but no. I will defenestrate you if you ever ask again."

Java chuckles. "Woah, harsh. Yeah, it's cool. You're not really my type either."

The sound of the GameStation booting up and the playful banter of two friends trying to digitally murder each other flows from the living room. Tami and Oson still haven't moved.

"They thought that... All semester?"

"I.. guess so? You've always been there for me..."

"sigh I guess I have... Birds of a feather..."

"Swarm together."

Tami chuckles and rests her head on Oson. "Two weirdos in a crazy, mixed up pony world." She picks up a spoonful of chili and offers it to Oson. "So, where do you want to go for a first date? Cause I guess we're like, a couple now..."

"There's a monster-train rally in a few days..."

"Woah, the one with Trainzilla?"

"The one with the mark eight kinksprings powering it's clawsinators. Yeah. I think they're going to try to see if it can really crush through a boiler, and it's going to be running at full steam at the time."

Tami kisses Oson on the head and hugs her tightly. "Fuck yeah."

They proceed to feed each other, making cute noises for a few minutes, before Oson pauses. She points at the camera. Tami sighs, picks up and places Oson off to her side, and stomps into the living room. "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN TURN THE CAMERA ON?!"

Quantum adds to the shouting. "You had the camera on? What the fuck, Java?"

Oson reaches towards the camera and flicks it off.

The video cuts out.
Title credits roll:
These videos are a warning. While we can pull order from chaos, it is a difficult and confusing process. We have deemed it safer to not promulgate this data, and we have considered ourselves clever people. If you are reviewing this data, than we hope you are in a wiser time, one where it can be safely utilized. If these experiments do not frighten you as they did us, then either you have advanced your society to a point where you can handle this, or you are about to make a horrible mistake. Regardless, we wish you luck, and hope you have a nice time.

Our names were Java Stout, Tami Owlson, Twefy 'fi Oson, and Quantum Shift.

We hope you are having a good day. It is all we can realistically wish for you.

Author's Note

I can think of a few other tests, but, I'm pretty ok with this. I can try a few more ideas with chaos magic, cause it's kinda easy for me to write science fantasy. But unless more events related to these nerds are desired, I'll let them be, for now... Hope you had fun!

Edit: Wow, I had a lot of typos in this one...