Thorax Bans Sex

by Deneld the Unspooked

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Comedy, Equestria Girls
Length: 2755

Thorax has assembled all the boys from all the high schools of Canterlot City to stop the Battle of the Bands. How? The only way a man can. By denying release to the ones who keep it running. Why? Because it's a pain in the ass, that's why!

Thorax has assembled all the boys from all the high schools of Canterlot City to stop the Battle of the Bands. How? The only way a man can. By denying release to the ones who keep it running. Why? Because it's a pain in the ass, that's why!

Representing Canterlot High School are: Thorax and Shining Armor.

Representing Crystal Prep Academy are: Discord and Sunburst.

Representing Cloudsdale Military Academy is: Cheese Sandwich.

Together, they will stop the Battle of the Bands before they lose their minds!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-27 23:24:50 UTC

Chapter 1 - The Plan

        Thorax paced up and down the empty assembly hall of Canterlot High at a frantic pace, wringing his hands and glancing down at the black jeans and t-shirt he wore that day. His mind was uneasy; his nerves were a mess. With an upward flick of his hand, he groaned in frustration.

        “You know, if we were handing out free condoms before the prom, we’d have all the guys in CHS flocking the place. But really! There’s not a dude in sight! Not even Discord.”

        The double door behind Thorax slammed open; the resounding boom made his muscles tense up in surprise. He looked over his shoulder to find a brown shirtless man, whose scraggly pink jeans dragged on the floor and sagged down past his white polka-dot underwear, strutted in his direction.

        “Did someone say ‘Discord’?”

        Thorax turned around to face him, then crossed his arms. “Oh. I was wondering when you’d get here.”

        Discord wrapped his arm around Thorax’s shoulder and looked at him with a grin. “Oh, don’t look so glum, chum.”

        “It’s just… the guys, man. The gals say we’re all rough and tumble. That we practically run the place.”

        “Well, they’re right, aren’t they?”

        Thorax groaned, rolling his eyes. “Yeah. But we’re dumb, too. Call a dude over to talk about something important, and you know where he is? Back home, whacking it to nude girls on their laptops and playing Duty Call: Special Ops! Not being useful, oh no. Too much trouble when half his brain is dangling from his crotch.”

        Discord released his hold on Thorax and shrugged. “Eh. Yeah. But we’re also on all the sports teams, a few guitar spots on bands, and… er… um… yeah. Sure. I guess you have a point.”

        Thorax slammed his palm against his face, then dragged it down his face in exasperation. “Can’t the guys think about anything other than sports!?”

        “Well, what else is there? What’s so important that you had to bring over every high school bro in Canterlot City? Is it really that big a deal?”

        “Huge.”

        “Huge… and thick?”

        “Oh, it’s thick, alright!”

        Discord leered over at Thorax with a grin stretched across his face. “I like where this is going. I just have to know more!”

        Thorax groaned, folding his arms once more and giving Discord an irate look. “No, not that. If it were, they’d have all been here yesterday. It’s something else entirely. It’s bugged me a long time. I can’t even sleep because of it.”

        Discord nodded. “Ah. So it’s a really small and fragile thing that’s working you so hard?”

        “I’ll tell you how fragile it is! You know what I discovered? That just about every high school in Canterlot City needs us. Specifically this.” He cupped his crotch in the palm of his hand and gave it a firm squeeze.

        Discord’s mouth contorted to a pointed smile as he snickered at what Thorax had just said. “Oh. Yeah, I can see how that’d make you anxious.”

        “Pfft! What’s so funny abo-“ He realized what he’d just implied; the revelation made him blush. “Ugh! You get what I mean. All this crap going on in CHS. We’d have it all swept away! All of it! Even those guys at Crystal Prep.”

        Discord chuckled. “Yeah, those Crystal Prep kids need to go.”

        “And the Cloudsdale Academy guys, too.”

        “Yeah, them too! Out with the Cloudsdale kids!” He paused. “Well, except their girl scout cookies. Those can stay.”

        “And about CHS… well, you get what I mean. No need to say it. If all us guys — from CHS, Crystal, Cloudsdale, all of it — just banded together, we could save the entire school body!”

        “Us? Really? But you know we don’t actually do anything important, right? All we do is sit around looking handsome in our leather jackets, play the guitar, put on those ‘bad boy with a heart of gold’ charades… you know. Be candy for the gals.”

        “Exactly! That’s how we’re gonna save the school, bro. With the leather jackets and the guitars and the phony attitudes.”

        Discord’s smile went flat; he cocked an eyebrow. “Really? We’re gonna save the school with that? That’s crazy even by my standards. What do you think we could do with all that?”

        “Peace, man. No more of this ‘Battle of the Bands’ crap that’s sucking up all the budget.”

        “Oh, really? Well, in that case, I think I’ll go condom shopping…”

        “No more amateurish riffs…”

        “Gonna get some nice cologne…”

        “And definitely no more two-chord guitar solos…”

        “Ohhhh! And I found this nice leather jacket on Namazon that’d go great with my eyes…”

        “Right! Shouldn’t all the guys be here by now?”

        “Oh, sure. They should all be here.”

        Thorax sighed. “Well, what do you expect? Us CHS guys are always late. Always late! For everything.  Even the nerds.”

        “They should be coming in fourteen… thirteen… twelve…”

        “Ugh! Not even the guys who looked interested came! Not even the band club! I mean, seriously?”

“…three… two… one…”

Thorax flinched at another boom from the double-door slammed open.

“…now.”

Thorax whipped his gaze to the door. Entering were the scraggly orange nerd, Sunburst; the class clown, Cheese Sandwich; and Shining Armor. All of them wore skinny jeans and skin-tight t-shirts.

Thorax grinned. “Shining Armor! Man, look at you!” He walked up to the older man and cupped both sides of his chest in his hands. “Man, this chest. Mmm. I can’t get enough of this chest. I bet you could out-wrestle a bear.”

Shining Armor chuckled. “Yep. I think I could. I work out. A lot. And I work every bit of me — even my butthole!”

Thorax released his hold on the pecs; wrapped his arms around Shining Armor’s waist and groped both of his glutes. “And this just might be the best ass I’ve ever seen.”

Shining Armor blushed. “H-hey! What are you doing? I’m not your girlfriend.”

He let go of the butt, then shifted his gaze to Sunburst and walked in his direction. “And you! Turn around.”

Sunburst turned his back to Thorax.

Thorax leered over Sunburst’s waist from behind, then in one swift motion, he undid the button and zipper on Sunburst’s jeans and pulled down his pants. Sunburst gripped the sides of the pink brief underneath as Thorax pushed the jeans down with all his might. Once Thorax got past the buttocks, the momentum quickly shifted the trousers down around Sunburst’s ankles. The cheeks popped out, thick and gelatin-like.

“Whew-wee!” Thorax exclaimed. “Look at that booty, all the way from Crystal Prep. That looks like a girl’s booty, man. A girl’s booty!” He gave the right cheek a firm open-palmed slap. The cheek jiggled within the briefs; Sunburst covered his rear with both hands overlapping each other, his face covered in warm, red pigment. Thorax turned his attention to Cheese Sandwich, then gave his crotch a tight squeeze. “And I see you’re well-endowed as ever.”

Cheese Sandwich stuck out his chest and grinned. “Yep! My girl back at Cloudsdale Academy loves it.”

“Mmm, I bet she does.” He released his hold on Cheese Sandwich’s groin and took a couple steps back.

Sunburst stammered as he tried, with considerable effort, to pull his pants back up. “So what’d you tell us all to come here for anyway, Thorax?”

“Yeah,” Shining Armor added, “what’s so important that I had to grab some random student from the hall to do my paperwork for me?”

Thorax smirked. “Tell me, guys. Don’t you all miss your girls’ pole holes? I mean, the girls are always so busy with the Battle of the Bands. I don’t think any of you have gotten laid in over a month.”

Discord rolled his eyes. “Mine’s always playing with her tambourine. And she always has a blistering headache by the time she’s done.”

“Mine’s covered in her damned paperwork,” Shining Armor mumbled.

Sunburst finally buttoned his jeans back up. “Um… well, actually… I’m a virgin.”

“We could tell,” all the others said in unison.

Sunburst hung his head in humiliation.

“Anyway,” Thorax continued, “I miss my girl, too. The hand just doesn’t cut it. I’d really like for this whole ‘Battle of the Bands’ thing to just piss off.”

“Me too,” Discord said. “If the whole concert just came to a big, screeching halt, I’d get out the punch and wine right now! Even if I had to sell my leather jacket to pay for it…”

“And I as well!” Shining Armor added. “Hell, I’d even give up my three plate bench press just to get some of my wife’s tail again.”

Cheese Sandwich clenched a hand into a fist and shook it in the air. “And I’d give up my rubber chicken.”

Thorax stuck out his chest and put his hands on his hips. “Well, then, I won’t keep you guys waiting. I say that if we ever want our girls again, then we must… abstain!”

An awkward silence loomed in the air.

Sunburst blinked. “From what?”

Thorax slunk back demurely. “From… something. Will you do it?”

“Of course! I’ll give up whatever I need to for the cause.”

Thorax picked his posture back up. “We’ll go on strike. From now on, no more fun bags, no more girl-tushy, and no more pole holes!”

All of them except Sunburst gasped in horror.

Sunburst looked down at his feet; kicked the ground underneath him. “Oh! Um. Sure. That’s not so bad. Nope! No problem.”

Discord scoffed. “Oh, like you would know!”

“What’s the big deal?” Thorax inquired. “It’s just until we can get the Battle of the Bands to piss off. It’s not like you’ll be permanently celibate like Sunburst.”

Cheese Sandwich sighed. “Well, if that’s what it takes…” Sunburst paused, then sighed again. “Then let the BotB go on. Screw that.”

Shining Armor nodded in agreement.

“Oh, come on!” Thorax exclaimed. “You guys just said a moment ago that you were all for it!”

“Well,” Cheese Sandwich said, “that was before you said we had to give up our girls’ hot spots. Look, we’ll do anything else. Anything else. Really. Anything else but that.”

Thorax rolled his eyes. “And you, Discord?”

Discord tapped a finger on his chin. “Um… hmm… No way in hell!”

Thorax groaned. “Oh, come on! Us guys, all we care about is sex. All those memes about us on the internet are true. Just sex, sex, sex, and screw the consequences! Probably literally.” He groaned. “Look, guys. Sunburst hasn’t gotten laid in his life, and he hasn’t offed himself yet. You guys can live without for a few weeks, can’t you?”

Shining Armor sighed. “I guess you have a point. I’ll go along with it.”

Thorax grinned. “Shining Armor! The only real man here!”

“Hold on,” Cheese Sandwich said. “Is this really gonna work? This sounds like a fate worse than death.”

Thorax folded his arms up to his chest. “Oh, don’t be so melodramatic. Of course it’ll work! All we gotta do is hang around, looking all hot and sexy for our gals. They’ll come in, see us and give us their full attention! Hot, wet, and bothered! She’ll be so horny she’ll go insane, but we stand our ground! We deny them the man-meat they so crave. The BotB will be over before you know it.”

Discord chuckled devilishly. “Well, I do like driving other people insane…”

“Now, hold on,” Cheese Sandwich said. “What if they go on strike, too?”

“Then we’ll whack ourselves off,” Thorax replied.

“And if they drag us in the bedroom?”

Thorax scoffed. “We’re men! What kind of man gets dragged anywhere by a girl?”

“What if they beat us up?”

“Arrrgh!” Thorax grabbed at his hair from both sides and pulled it in frustration. “Look. If you’re really that big of a wimp, then just don’t let her get you hard. She needs you hard to get any enjoyment out of it. What’s she gonna do? Ride you flaccid? Please.”

Discord nodded. “Alright. I’m in.”

“Me too,” Cheese Sandwich added. “I can get all the guys at Cloudsdale to give up the gals.”

“And I can do it for Crystal Prep,” Discord said. He gave Sunburst’s shoulder a hearty pat. “And I’ll have old never-get-laid here be one of my spokesmen.”

Shining Armor tapped his chest. “And since I’m faculty here at CHS, I can organize a takeover of the school safe to make sure any spare budget we have for the BotB is ‘tragically misplaced’.”

“Great idea!” Thorax said. “Now, let’s swear on something… hmm… what?”

“Let’s swear on a bowl of roses,” Discord said.

“Alright.” Thorax pointed to a closet in the corner of the room. “Go get us some roses, Shining.”

Shining Armor nodded, then made a hasty jog over to the closet. Once he opened the door, he lifted a massive clay bowl full of roses from one of the shelves, then ran back to the group with the bowl in both arms. Then he squatted down, setting the bowl down on the ground before picking himself back up.

Cheese Sandwich looked down at the flowers with a watery mouth and a deep gaze. “Aww, man. Look at those flowers. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to have my girl’s rose petals right now…”

“Alright,” Thorax said, “now all of you get on your knees and put your hands on the flowers.”

The group did as Thorax commanded.

Sunburst sighed with awe. “I bet this is what boobs feel like.”

“Okay,” Thorax said, “now repeat after me. Together. Ready?”

“Ready,” the group said in tandem.

“There is no lady part…”

“There is no lady part…”

“That will approach me moist…” Cheese Sandwich hesitated.

Thorax groaned. “Cheese!”

Cheese Sandwich whimpered. “That will approach me moist…”

Thorax continued, “Shut in at home, I’ll live hole-less and chaste…”

“Shut in at home, I’ll live hole-less and chaste…”

“And I’ll be dressed seductively and be beautifully made…”

“And I’ll be dressed seductively and be beautifully made…”

“So as to set fire on my woman’s desire…”

“So as to set fire on my woman’s desire…”

“I will not receive pleasure… at the same time it does…”

“I will not receive pleasure… at the same time it does…”

“I will not have her slippers raised to the ceiling…”

“I will not have her slippers raised to the ceiling…”

“Nor will I, like a man-whore, take up for her the position of the lion-on-a-cheese-grater…”

All the group except Sunburst gave each other bemused glances. “Nor will I, like a man-whore, take up for her the position of the lion-on-a-cheese-grater…”

“And so, to bind all this together, we hereby eat these roses…”

Yet more confused glances from the group. “And so, to bind all this together, we hereby eat these roses…”

“And if I break this solemn oath may the rose I eat turn to poop…”

A brief pause. “And if I break this solemn oath may the rose I eat turn to poop…”

“Have you guys sworn the oath?”

“We sure have!”

“Okay.” Thorax bent down and picked a rose out of the bowl. “Now, we all eat a rose.”

The group let out a collective groan, then each grabbed a rose.

Thorax brought the plant up to his lips. He trembled, hesitant to bite the flower off its stem and chew. Yet, he did so. Although the aroma from it was pleasant in his nose, his tongue felt its stinging bitterness with each masticating motion. A gag escaped from him, yet he continued on until the rose was a pile of mush in his mouth, then swallowed is whole. Once the fauna was down, he took a deep breath and looked down at his group.

“You guys ate your flowers?”

The group nodded in tandem. As they did so, a shock of shouting and commotion echoed from outside the door.

Shining Armor stood up. “Good! That’s the safe… safe and secure.”

Discord stood up along with the rest of the group. “And don’t worry about our end of the bargain, Thorax. We’ll handle it.”

Thorax nodded in approval. “Alright.” He looked to Shining Armor. “All the guys in CHS are coming to the assembly, right?”

“In juuuust a few minutes,” Shining Armor said.

“Before the girls?”

“Before the girls.”

“And if they manage to break in, they’ll do what we swore them to do?”

“Of course.”

“Excellent! Then we have no time to waste. We succeed here, or we’ll remain forever what we always were: cowards and whores to them all!”