Never wish on a falling star while drunk.
My friends are awesome. It had been a wonderful evening. Game night at Phil's house is always a blast, especially when he breaks out his homemade hard cider. I'd even summoned up the courage to break out my copy of Twilight Sparkles Secret Shipfic Folder. As the only Brony in the group, I'd expected some good natured ribbing, but they new not to judge. Well, Don may have been a bit judgy, but he knew better than to rib me too hard. Did I mention my friends are awesome?
What with the drinking, and the suggestive cards, things got a bit raucous. I almost never drink too much. It's been years since I've been throwing up drunk. That's my limit. I HATE throwing up. Even those few times when I went way overboard and didn't remember everything the next day, I still could vividly remember throwing up. It's like my hypothalamus has a wicked sense of humor.
Anyway, I was cutting through the park on the way home, when the first wave of nausea hit me. OH NO. Not going to throw up. NOPE. Not going to do it. I'm in control. Mind over matter.
The second wave of nausea convinced me otherwise. The world was spinning. I had the sickening thought of what all those Doritos would look like coming back up. The image didn't help matters. Maybe if I lie down. I staggered off the trail and around some bushes, totally missing the sudden slope until my foot stepped out into space.
I rolled to a stop and the bottom of the hill in a soft grassy spot, swallowing back the bile and former Doritos and gulping air until the rest of the world caught up with the fact that I'd stopped spinning. I just laid there a long time with my eyes closed and concentrated on breathing. When the ground seemed to swing underneath me, I just imagined I was in a hammock, rocking comfortably in a cool evening breeze. The night air was cool, but the ground was still radiating heat it had soaked up during the warm day.
After a few minutes, the danger seemed to have passed and I opened my eyes. I must have been in the darkest part of the park. The Stars! It was still nothing like what you could get in the country, but still... It had been a while since I'd seen that many stars. I lay there and thought about how awesome my friends were. Why yes, I would categorize myself as a happy drunk. Why do you ask?
So I was lying there, thinking that it wouldn't be a bad place to just spend the night. It would be embarrassing if someone found me, but that seemed unlikely. What great friends I have. They didn't even make fun of me when I'd pulled out that game. Well, OK. They made fun some, but only in that good-natured way friends do. I patted the lump in my jacket pocket. Yep, still there. I probably had the closest thing anyone could have to the kind of amazing friends you see on My Little Pony. Just that moment, a shooting star shot passed. I made a wish. That's really all I remember.
The sun was bright. I mean really really bright. It was like it entered my eyeballs and went straight through to the back of my skull, like a pair of daggers. Hangovers suck, and I was probably still on the falling edge of drunk.
I was in a grassy hollow surrounded by bushes. That probably explained why I hadn't been disturbed, even though there were obviously people nearby. I could hear kid's voices. Great. Nothing like a bunch of kids triping over the drunk guy sleeping rough. (Hey kids, don't mind me. I'm just some dude who makes poor life choices.) I laid still and listenned for a while.
"...so then Mac says to Granny, 'apples are great and all, I'd say they're my favorite, but sometimes you just have a hankering for peaches. You know what I mean?' and Granny get's all shocked lookin' which I don't get 'cause she made us a peach cobbler jus' t'other day. Then they both looked and me with that "what are you doing here" look. Even though I was sweeping the floor just like I do every morning. Then they told me to stop doin' my chores and come play with you guys. I mean I'm not complaining, but ..." It sounded like a young girls voice, with a high pitched twang that I suppose I would have found endeering if it wasn't penetrating my hungover skull.
"Grownups are weird," came another girl. The voice was of a similar pitch, but was much more melodic.
"You can say that again," came a third voice, more brash than either of the others.
I found myself hoping it would be the second one doing most of the talking when they saw me. And see me they must, because nature was calling. Being the creepy, possibly still a bit drunk guy in the bushes is one thing. Being the creepy possibly still a bit drunk guy in the bushes taking a wiz in the vacinity of some young girls in something else entirely. I needed to get out of there. I stood up, and time stood still.
The three froze as they saw me, enormoust eyes wide and almost complete white. I froze too. Just a few paces in front of me were three small horses. Ponies. A part of my brain refused to register it. I looked around for the people who'd been talking.
They were the first to break the silence. "AHHHHHH!" they all screamed at once and ran. Two ran right and one ran left, the reversed direction when she realized she was heading off alone.
"Wait!" I said, stumbing forward through be bush. At least I tried to say wait. It may have come out more like a growling gurgling noise as I realized I probably should have cleared my throat before trying to speak. I guess sleeping in the bushes can do that to you. As it was, I made it mostly out before my shoelace caught on a branch and I fell flat on my face in the exact spot where the ponies had been. The pony who had doubled back screamed again and used the space between my shoulder blades as a spring board in her retreat.
I laid there for a while with the wind knocked out of me, fighting back a new wave of nausea. Once that had subsided I was able to stand up and look around. It was still painfully bright, but at least I seemed to be alone. Probably for the best. I took the opportunity to find a particulary dense patch of bushes and releave myself. It was a good thing I did just then, because it would be my last chance for a while.
I could hear a rythmic thumping as I stepped out of the bushes then five horses crested a nearby hill. The one is the lead was purple with dark bangs plastered to her forehead by wind of her running. To either side and only a pace or two behind was a orange one, a white one, and pink one, and taking of the rear was a yellow one. Our of the corner of my eye I caught the movement of a blue streak in the sky converging on our location. That was when it finally clicked. Well, part of it clicked because I was thinking "I wonder what they're in such a hurry for?" It took another couple seconds to notice that they were headed straight for me.
"Twilight!" I held my hands out in front of me in the international (and hopefully interspecies) gesture of "I'm unarmed and please don't hurt me."
The five ponies came to a stop a few meters in front me, all four feet splayed out in a broad stance and heads down, like they were preparing for a charge. Whether it was supposed to be my charge or theirs, I couldn't tell. Rainbow came to a stop and hovered menacingly in the air above them.
"How did you know my name?" Twilight said angrily.
"Yeah Mr. Monster," Pinkie Pie exclaimed. "You've got some 'splaining to do."
"Look, I--" I took a step forward. Why did I do that? There was no reason to. It didn't help that I still hadn't tied my sneaker and was standing on the lace. My foot came up short and I tipped forward.
Whether it was to fend off the apparent attack, or to catch some poor schmuck who was falling I don't know, but suddenly I was envelloped in a purplish glow and I came up short before I hit the ground.
I tend to overanalyze things. I'd always wondered about the pony's levitaiton magic. Were they applying a force to the outside of the object just like you'd do with your hand? Or was it a force applied throughout the volume of the object? Did they get feedback about what they were touching? They obviously got some feedback about the weight because they seemed to struggle with heavy things. Where ponies squeamish about what they touched with magic? Like, would a pony say "Eww no" if asked to pick up a pile of poo with magic alone?
Unfortunately, it all happened so quickly I can't really give a conclusive and unambiguous answer. All I know is that while she may have negated my forward and downward momentum, she'd neglected the angular. I did a single mid-air summersalt before she stopped me, and that was all my poor stomach needed to assert it's dominance over my brain.
Don't ever throw up while enveloped in a magic field.
No really. Don't. Just don't. Do whatever you can to avoid it. That's all I'm saying on the matter.
"Ewwww!" I could hear Pinkie exclaiming. When my vision cleared, I could see Rarity dry heaving. Fluttershy had covered her face with her pink mane. Applejack at least looked concerned in a disgusted sort of way. "Better out than in, I suppose."
Rainbow Dash was no longer in the sky. It took me a few moments to locate her having some sort of fit on the ground. No. She was on her back laughing so hard she was gasping for air. Nice.
Twilight looked horrified. "Are you OK?" she asked.
"No" I sputtered .
"Well... ah..." She looked around. She was clearly distracted, and as soon as her attention was off me, it was apparently also off maintaining the stability of the magic and I was jerked around. It wasn't much, but it was enough to trigger another round of heaving.
"Sorry! Sorry!" Twilight yelled. "Here!"
I was suddenly traveling over the ground. Then in a few seconds, I was moving over the water of a nearby pond.
"Wait! What are you-"
Man that water was cold.
To be continued.
Suddenly the headache, the nausea, the burning embarassement all went away, only to be replaced by breath-stealing cold. I came up spluttering and trying unsuccessfully to get a full lung of air. The water was only about waist deep, and I was eventually able to get my feet under me. I slogged back to shore, clothes clinging to me, impeding my motions and my jacket seemed to have absorbed about half my weight in water.
On top of that, have you ever jumped in cold water? I don't mean the "Oh my god you said the water was fine" kind of cold water. I mean the “what the hell is wrong with people who do this voluntarily” kind of gold water. The kind of water where you think you're heart is going to stop, and it makes every muscle in you body contract, including the ones that need to not be contracted for you to breath properly.
I managed to pull myself up on the bank, and then all I could do was concentrate on trying to get enough air into my lungs to stay conscious. What little of my vision that wasn't dazzled by the bright sunlight was obscured by tunnel vision.
"Uh, twi?" Came Applejack's country drawl, "did you forget that winter wrap up was just last week? The ice has barely melted."
"Oh. Uh right. Of course I ...uh... Sorry. Are you OK? I mean, you're not a threat are you? You gave the girls quite a scare." A shadow passed over my head. I looked up at a pointed siloette against the sky.
"Who’s the threat to whom?" I don't think it came out as anything approaching words, based on the confused tilt of the head above me. I opened my mouth to try again, but my teeth were starting to chatter.
"I think hypothermia is setting in. I need to fix this.”
"Hypo-what?"
"He's cold, Dashie," came Applejack's voice. "If you don't think it's a threat, our place is closest."
"And if it is, Darling, at least we're not taking it into a populated area."
"Thanks, Rarity, that's very comforting. If it had any fight in it, I think Twi's just about drowning it has fixed that for the time being."
"I.. I just… Agggghhh!" The pointy siloette loomed closer. "I'm terribly sorry... Ah... Whatever you are. I'd like to take you to somewhere warm. I promise to be more gentle. Is that OK with you?"
There was a long pause. The tunnel vision had cleared enough that I could just make out the ponies exchanging confused glances.
"That means yes. Sorry I guess hand gest-GAHHH!" I said.
There was a bright flash of violet light, a sense of being surrounded by nothingness, a sense of falling forever, even though it only lasted a moment. Suddenly, I was on a much harder surface.
"Gaahhhhh!" A second male voice. I guess I wasn't the only one taken off guard by whatever just happened.
"Sorry Big Mac. Could I borrow your kitchen for a bit? It's kind of urgent."
"What the hay is that thing?"
"We're still working on that. Could you give us some time?"
"Yep! Yep! Yep! No problem!" he said with high level of enthusiasm. My eyes focused on a kitchen that looked like I'd seen at the living history museum, or maybe "Little House on the Prairie" reruns. There was scrubbed wooden table and chairs, a wood-fired stove, pots and pans hanging on the wall. One wall had a door that was closed, and another had a door that apparently led outside. A red flank was disappearing out it.
"Oh. Could we borrow some blankets?" she shouted after him.
"Yep!" Came his receding voice as he went out the door. He kicked it closed behind him with more force than necessary.
Twilight stood in silence for a moment, looking back and forth between the door to the outside that Big Mac had just taken and a second door that presumable led to the rest of the house.
Somewhere in the house another door opened. "You don't want to go in there," Big Macs voice came through the door. There was more talking, but that was apparently enough to satisfy Twilight. I guess the big brave stallion had opted to go around the house rather than cross the room with the half-drowned ape thing.
Twilight turned to me, looking a bit more concerned that suspicious now. "You can talk, can't you? I didn't imagine things?"
"Ye-ye-yeah," I stammered with a quivering jaw. I sat up and hugged myself. All that seemed to do was squeeze more cold water out of my clothes and against my skin.
"And you're not here to attack Ponyville or anything like that, are you?"
"Nu-nu-nu-no!"
"I'm so sorry about the pond and everything. I don't know what I was thinking. We've had a couple attacks this week, and I might overacted just a bit."
Ya Think? I kept it to myself though. The door behind her opened slightly and a red muzzle appeared just long enough to drop a multicolored quilt on the floor. The door was closed again before the blanket had even hit the floor.
I shifted closer to the stove. I was stiff and shivering. The heat was hitting my face and hand. It felt good. "Can we talk after I get out of these clothes?" I said, slowing bringing my feet under me.
We stared at each other blankly for a long moment before she gave a small gasp of realization. "Right. You'd probably rather undress alone. I'll leave you to it." A pinkish-red blush appeared on her cheeks. How did that work. How does fur blush? I dunno "magical ponies." That's the only answer.
She retreated through the door backward. Just before her head disappeared, she shot me an apologetic look and closed her eyes. There was a brief glow from her horn. I couldn't help but brace myself, but nothing happened. The glow died and she disappeared behind the door.
What was that? Ward against my escape? Tracking spell in case I did? Eavesdropping spell in case I started MWAHAHAing? I just shrugged and turned to the stove started peeling off my wet, clingy clothes. The sudden dip in the pond had done a surprisingly good job of washing off the...stuff. My stomach was still a bit tender to think about it. I guess it hadn't had time to penetrate. Whatever. I was in Ponyville now. The local designated overanalyzer was on the other side of the door behind me. I should probably just lay off for a bit.
Some chairs made an impromptu clothes rack. The cold had sunk through to my bones. The heat from the stove felt GOOOOD, but it was just surface warmth. Worse, it was only one side. I found myself rotating like a rotisserie chick in a shop window, always bringing my cold side forward to warm, only to find my other side getting cold. The quilt would help. I didn’t want to move away from the stove, but I needed that quilt. I was across the room and lifting it off the floor when the outer door slammed open.
"I really wish she'd warn us when she was going to do that," Applejack said over her shoulder. Then time stood still.
AJ was already in the room. Pinkie and Rarity were mostly in. Rainbow Dash had been taking up the rear, but being in the air meant she could see clearly over the other ponies heads.
"What's going on?" Came a soft voice from the back. Fluttershy reared up to get a view, then brough a hoof to her mount. "Oh. Oh my."
I scooped up the quilt and swept it round my waist in one smooth movement. OK. I'll admit it. You know how sometimes you pick up a blanket and go pull it over you only to find that you grabbed it in the wrong place and it's not fully unfolded, so then you shift you grip and that seems to somehow make it worse, and then you try again.... It was more like that. After what felt like half an hours of that, I gave up and wrapped the still-mostly-wadded blanket around my midsection.
The reactions from the ponies were varied. Dash was clearly trying not to laugh, but not entirely succeeding. She had a hoof stuffed against her mouth and was making snorting noise. Pinkie was doing a slightly better job. Only slightly. Rarity had managed to find one of the decorative plates hung on the wall indescribably facinating. Fluttershy had apparently recovered from her initiatial shock, and now she looked...studious. I couldn't be sure.
Applejack, on the other hand, had a face that spoke volumes. It was saying something like "I've got three days worth of chores to do in the next two. The weather Pegasi have moved up the schedule for the next storm. Granny is giving me gyp over changing her pie recipe by one lousy teaspoon of butter, and now there's YOU. Yes You, right here, naked and dripping water all over my kitchen. I wonder who's going to get to mop that up? Isn’t this my lucky day.
"Um..." I ventured. "Is there a more appropriate place I should hang my clothes?"
"No," she said with a sigh. "I recon that'll do just fine."
The second door opened just wide enough for Twilight's head to appear to look at the other ponies "Oh high girls." Then at me. "Oh." Then back at the other ponies. "Why don't you come in here and get comfortable." If possible, her voice went up another octave with each sentence and doubled in speed.
Applejack lead the way across the room. "Don't mind if I do, seein' as it's my house." She shot me a sidelong glance that did more to secure my good behavior than whatever spell Twilight could have passed.
With the ponies safely on the other side of the door, I retreated to the wood stove and repositioned the quilt into a proper wrap. Now what? With a certain amount of shame, I opted to eavesdrop on the conversation in the other room. They weren't exactly being quiet.
Rainbow Dash's brash voice came through the door. "So what is it, anyway? I haven't seen anything like that before."
There was a long pause.
"Why are you all looking at me?" came a soft voice almost too quiet to hear.
"You're the animal expert. Any guesses?"
"Well. If I didn't know better, um, I'd think it was some kind of big monkey."
"Ah monkey? That ain't like no monkey I've ever heard tell of. Don't monkeys have tails?"
"The poor thing may have lost it to a predator."
"And more fur," said Rainbow Dash. "Like. A lot more fur."
"Maybe it has mange. I'm sure I could get it back into good health. Let's see, if I clear out the-."
"Your concern is admirable Fluttershy," Twilight cut her off, "but this isn't a lost woodland creature. Let's not forget that she's wearing clothes-"
"WAS wearing clothes," Pinkie cut in. “You took care of that.”
-and can talk," Twilight finished, ignoring the interruption. Wait, did she say “she?” I just misgendered by flying purple pony princess. This was going to be a day of firsts.
"Yep. Right up until you dunked it like a donut in coffee. Hmmm. Now I want donuts."
"Ok. Ok. I could have handled that better."
"Uh, Twi," Applejack said as though broaching a difficult topic. "You do know that's not a she."
"No?"
"No."
"But what about the ...uh."
"I don't rightly know, but that ain't no mare. Or whatever."
"Applejack's right. And it's consistent with monkeys to have...you know... Those parts on the outside."
Ok. Enough was enough. This was getting out of hand. Worse, my headache reasserting itself and settling in for a long stay. Time for my grand entrance. I pushed the door open and stepped in. “Human. Ladies. If you want to know my species, it’s called human.” I pulled myself up to my full height as I stepped through the door with all the dignity I could muster. And promptly lost it all as I caught my forehead on the doorframe. “Son of a….”
Note to self: Pony archetechture is just a bit shorter than you might expect.
I recovered quickly, and stood up again. Dignity. I was radiating dignity. From my wild, dunked-in-a-pond-and-never-combed hair, to my body wrapped in a borrowed blanket, with apples on it, to my bare feet. Yep. That was dignity alright.
“Is that a type of monkey?” Pinkie asked.
“No. Not a monkey.”
“But it’s related to monkeys, right?” This was Fluttershy.
“No. Well yes. Distantly.”
Fluttershy’s eyes roamed over my bare arms. “I have some salves and poltices-”
“I don’t have mange!” I may have said that with a bit more heat than I intended. I took a deep breath, concentrating on relaxing as I let it out. “Thank you for the offer, but Humans are mostly furless. This is my normal condition, if you don’t count my splitting headache.”
I caught Applejack leaning in close to Rainbow Dash, bringing her mouth close to the other mare’s ear. “So he’s supposed to look like unbaked pie dough?” Dash stifled a snigger.
Twilight cleared her throat, drowning them out. “Maybe we should start with introductions. I’m Twilight Sparkle, but I get the impression you already knew that. What’s your name.”
“Cliff.”
AppleJack raised an eyebrow. “You mean like on the edge of a mountain?”
Rainbow added with a smirk “Do you have brothers named things like outcrop, or bluff?”
“No,” I said flatly. “And can I just point out,” I pointed to each pony in turn. “Meteorological event, oddly colored dessert pastry, lack of abundance, time of day, portmanteau of an insect flight pattern and a personality trait, and …” my mind blanked when I got to Applejack, but then a shadow of a memory floated back from my Saturday mornings watching cartoons. “…a breakfast cereal.”
There was a long uncomfortable silence until Pinkie said “Portman-what?”
“Later Pinkie,” Twilight said, then turned her eyes at me. “It’s nice to meet you Cliff. I’m sure we can all sit down and figure all this out reasonably. Have a chair?” Her horn was glowing and felt a chair from the kitchen bump against the back of my legs. My knees buckled and I was sitting with a bump.
“Geez! A little warning? Maybe even ask first?” The words came out before I could stop them.
“You know he’s got a point Twi,” Applejack put in. “I know you’re the Element of Magic an’ all, but when it comes to that, you can be a little… grabby…sometimes.”
“Yeah.” Rainbow kicked in. “Like when you grab my tail just as I’m taking off. You did it just the other day.”
“You were about to fly straight into a bugbear hive.”
“I’m not sure Spike appreciates the way you’re always picking him up.”
Twilights ears shot back and her wings flicked out in surprise. “Spike doesn’t mind…does he?”
I put my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands while the conversation went on around me. Here comes the hangover headache. Way to go Cliff. You’ve been in Equestria maybe an hour and now you’re in the middle of an intervention.
“Guys,” I finally said. “Can this wait? I think you have something more pressing right now.”
That stopped the conversation. “Maybe you’re confused sugar cube. We’re all gals.”
“Sorry. Where I come, the word ‘guys’ has become almost completely gender neutral. Look. Do you have aspirin here? I could really use a couple.”
“Aspirin?”
“Yeah. Acetylsalicylic Acid. Extracted from willow bark.”
“Oh I know what you mean. Just seems a bit backward is all.”
“Well whatever you got. I could use some.” Then I remembered I was a guest, or was it an invader? Or many a captive? How about emissary? Probably, nobody knew at this point. I might be considered a threat to Equestria. Heck, maybe I am and I don’t even know it. A certain amount of discretion was probably a good idea. Don’t be a pain. Don’t make waves. “If you don’t mind that is.”
“Sure thing sugar cube. Be right back.”
“Thank you.”
Silence descended as she disappeared further into the house. There was a grandfather clock on the wall who’s tick-tock, tick-rock filled the room. And also started to echo in my skull in an unpleasant way. They were all sitting, some on chairs, some on floor, and looking at me. I’d always thought those big soulful pony eyes were endearing. Don’t get me wrong. They are. Also, for someone like me who isn’t always the quickest at picking up on facial cues, they’re like a big print book of facial expressions. That said, having five pairs of big pony eyes fixed on you can be…intense and unnerving.
Finally Twilght cleared her throat. “On the, um, subject of guys and gals….”
“Yeah,” Rainbow cut to the chase. “Are you’re a dude, right?”
“Yeah. I’m a dude.”
She pointed a hoof at Twilight. “Told Ya.”
“Okaayy,” Twilight said slowly looking back at me. Her cheeks were a delicate lavender-pink. “What about….” She brought up a hoof and indicated two points on either side of her chest.
As I’ve already mentioned, I’m a big nerd, and I can have this tendency to fall back on a thing; call it the “nerd shield.” When in an awkward, uncomfortable, or ever scary situation, it helps to fall back on the technical, the jargon, the most precise, scientific, and technical language you can, robbing the topic of any emotional meaning. I guess I did it here, falling back on my past readings of evolutionary theory.
“Yes,” I said. “They’re there, and they are what you think they are.” I flashed my chest. That was probably a miscalculation, as it earned a small gasp from several of them. Shockingly, Fluttershy recovered fastest, and then looked… studious. She was obviously still working on slotting this fascinating new specimen into her taxonomic view of the world.
“But they’re not functional.”
“So you don’t give milk?”
“No Rainbow. I don’t.”
“Well I should hope not,” Applejack said from the doorway, mouthing around the jar in her teeth. I took it gratefully.
“I’ll get you some water. Do go on, this is fascinatin’. It’s an odd house that has a spigot where there ain’t a well.”
I took a deep breath. Time for a deep dive. “The prevailing theory is that an important process in my species’ recent evolution is neoteny, or the preservation of juvenile features into the adult. That includes things like bigger heads, bigger eyes…” I trailed off as I looked at the ponies in front me. Hmmm. I’d apparently lost Pinkie and Dash, who’s heads were canted at sharp angles. Rarity had a hoof to her mouth and was looking at me, but otherwise appeared lost in thought. Twilght and Fluttershy, on the other hand (hoof? Whatever)… They were nodding along.
“One side effect of neoteny, at least for our species, is decreased sexual dimorphism. There are still differences, but some of those differences got erased. I guess you could say the reason males have them is because women need them, and there’s no easy evolutionary route to take them off men without also doing so with women, or at least impacting their function. I’d say it’s just an accident, but that’s probably teleological. I mean…“
I trailed off, my train of thought derailed. Fluttershy was still looking thoughtful, but Twilight had gone through some sort of transformation. She was resting her chin on a hoof, looking at me through dangerously lidded eyes. Had her eyelids gotten darker? She had an odd little smile. “Please continue,” she breathed. “I haven’t heard such a detailed account of…well… anything, since my student days. You’ve obviously read quite a lot. Perhaps some Steven Neigh Gould?”
Inside my head, the echo of a previous thought bounced off the back of my skull and came forward again. Don’t make waves. The voice in my head was then replaced by a new sound. It was the “AH-OOOH-GAH” you hear in sub movies right before “Dive! Dive!” Then came an air raid siren, then a fire engine.
“I read …ah some— OH Crap!” I looked back toward my soaked jacket in the kitchen. “I had a book in my pocket when I went in the lake.”
Twilight was passed me almost before I was done talking. “Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! I can fix this.” Applejack had to jump to one side to avoid being bowled over, splashing from the glass she was carrying in her lips. She just rolled her eyes and held the glass out to me. “Don't you worry none. Twilight might be a bit excitable today, but she knows all about taking care of books and such. I’m sure she has a spell or two to fix water damage.”
“Or a dozen,” Rarity added flatly. When crate of the old, musty things shows up, we know we’ve lost her for days.
From inside the kitchen, I thought I could hear muttering. “Low grade wood pulp. Heavily oxidized. Did they do this on purpose? No linen at all. Good thing I got to it while it was still wet…”
“Ya gonna take yer aspirin?”Applejack asked.
I looked down at the jar in one hand and the glass in the other; the glass that had so recently been carried by mouth. If I was going to be here any time, I guessed was just going to have to get used to constant low level exposure to horse saliva.
I opened the jar and shook out, of course, a horse pill. At least that was what my grandfather would have called the enormous oblong thing taking up a sizable fraction of my palm. I never truly understood the word until the summer I spent on my his farm and saw what the pills you give horses look like. I remembered watching him have to use a tube to blow some enormous pills down the throat of an ailing but reluctant stallion.
“Ya gonna take those or do I have to get the tube like with a little filly?”
Damn. I guess it’s a thing here too. “No. Thank You!” I choked down a couple pills with a big swig of water. Then another as they stuck somewhere in in my esophagus. Then another.
Twilight voice came from the kitchen. “Oh. A deck of cards. Guess I’d better restore— what the hay is this?”
The cards. Those damned cards.
I was NOT making a good impression with Applejack. I really wish I hadn’t had a mouth full out water at that moment.
3 - Cards against Ponymity
Twilight had called me in with a scary calmness and asked me to sit at the table. Somewhere in my hindbrain, the decision was made where to sit. Before I really knew what I was doing, I had the table between me and the somewhat confused little horse. Twilight floated the box over and took a position at the table. There was a creepy moment when the others came in and did the same, apparently knowing to without words.
I was completely naked. OK. I still had the blanket around me, but it felt naked. I mean more naked than actually not having any clothes on feels.
“Is this how you know our names?” Twilight asked . She pointed a hoof at the box now standing in the middle of the table. It appeared completely dry. Twilight’s name was on the front of the box.The side facing me featured a picture of Celestia, looking profoundly embarrassed. I never felt so much empathy with a picture on a box before.
“No. It’s …complicated.”
“I think it time we cleared things up.
“Right,” I said taking a deep breath. “There’s this show.”
“Like a play?” Rarity was actually excited. “Did someone write a play about us?”
“Not exactly. It’s on TV.”
“What’s TV?”
“It’s like movies that you watch at home? Do you have movies?”
“Yes,”
Pinkie turned her head an impossible and creepy amount as she scanned the room. “Are they watching us right now?”
“No. It’s not like that. It’s animation. You know, a bunch of drawings put together.”
They didn’t know. Explanations came slowly, and weren’t helped by Twilights natural curiosity and my natural pedantry. First came the explanation of animation, which led to a discussion with Twilight about persistence of vision, working back to zoetropes, and then back to moving pictures. Apparently, they made movies differently here: something about “Time Domain Auragraphic Reproduction.” Twilights explanation was going over my head when she was prodded to get back on topic. Then, during the explanation of how so many pictures get put together, I mentioned computers, which somehow led to the Internet. It took a LONG time, with many side discussions with Twilight. I’ll admit that I both really enjoyed nerding out with the princess of books, and also partly hoped the topic would never get back to the cards. No such luck.
“This is all well and good,” Applejack finally interrupted, “but it doesn’t explain how you ended up here, or why it is that Tee Vee show is about us. Or even it’s it’s really US that it’s about.”
I could only shrug. “You got me there. I…uh..” it suddenly struck me how childish this was going to sound. ‘I wished on a falling star just as I fell asleep.”
“Luna!” Twilight blurted.
“Luna?” At least three of them answered back in unison.
“She was sorting the pegusids last night, burning up a few of the older ones. It was quite a show. You guys should have come out and watched. Anyway, celestial magic can create cross-plane resonances if they’re closs enough. It’s possible a focal-specific portal was created. As I’m sure you know, they’re really rare without being deliberately set up.”
She started waving a hoof in the air. It took me a moment to realize she was doing calculations. She suddenly waved both forehooves as though erasing an invisible board. “I’m going to need a quill and scroll.”
“Maybe that can wait, sugarcube. We still have some business here?” She pointed at me and the small box on the table.
Well crap. Time for the road apples to hit the fan.
“Oh.” she let out a disapointed sigh. “Right. Mr… uh.. Cliff? Perhaps you could explain these. They’re…well,” gosh it was adorable the way her voice almost cracked,”…odd. I only saw one, but they look like some sort of flash cards. About us.”
Her magic expertly pulled the top flap of the box up and pulled out the foremost card: “Star Student Twilight.” An image of the mare looked smuggly outward. Held up in her magic was an open scroll with A+ written across it in big red letters. Twilight floated the card around the table for all to see. Twilight was clearly trying not to look as smug as her picture, and almost succeeding.
“Ooooo! What does it say about me?” Pinkie was clopping her front hooves together. I couldn’t help but notice that more than any of the other ponies, Pinkie seemed to have a gravity all her own. By all rights she should have toppled forward off her chair when she lifted her hooves like that. I clearly had a lot to learn about this place, and much of it appeared to be so matter-of-fact that nobody else noticed.
“That’s not necessary,” I started to say, but a thick stack of cards had already floated out of the box and splayed themselves into a fan in front of Twilight. Then the inevitable happened. Her irises shrank to purple dots. I couldn’t even see her pupils. Her face flushed crimson. He magic faltered for a second in the shock and the deck fell to the table and scattered, few even making it to the floor.
“I say Twilight,” said Rarity, “What has you so flustered?”
“Nothing. Nothing,” Twilight said with a voice a full octave higher than normal. She began pushing the cards together into a pile. “I think everything's under control. Time to move on. I’m sure you all have lot’s of important business today.
“Let me help with that.” Pinkie reached over to the pile.
“No I’ve got it!”Twilight almost shouted, bhe was largely ingnored. Pinkie as shuffling the cards together with her hooves. Applejack had dropped to the floor before the cards had even settled. She was frozen, eyes crossed comically as she looked at a card she’d just picked up in her lips. She transferred it to a hoof. How did she do that? I saw it right in front of me, and I still couldn’t say exactly.
“Hey Rainbow, you’re on this card.”
“Oh really,” the blue Pegasus said, shooting me a suspicious glare. “Is it a lesson on how awesome I am?”
Applejack gave a small chuckle. “Maybe. I can’t rightly say. Nice picture of you though. According to this, it says you’re…” She tilted her head and mouthed the word a couple times before trying it out loud. “Tuh-sunder.”
“You must be reading it wrong,” Rainbow said, reaching for the card. “I bet it’s thunder or something, ‘cause of my awesome weather skills.”
“Hehe. If you say so.” She handed the card over.
“Why am I wearing THAT? I’d never wear something like that. It’s like I’m trying to look cute or something. What’s Tuh-SUN-der-EE, anyway?” Her crimson eyes were suddenly on me.
“It’s pronounced SUN-DEAR. The ‘T’ is silent.”
“Stupid way to spell a word,” Raindbow crossed her for legs in front of her, looking away with a blush “What’s it mean, anyway.”
“It’s…uh… a personality type. I guess the best translation something like tough and prickly on the outside, but secretly kind a sweet and soft.”
“Oh,” said Fluttershy. “Like a pineapple?”
“Uh. Metaphorically I suppose.”
“Just remember that inside the sweet part of the pineapple is the core that’s all woody and makes your tongue hurt if you eat— uh—NEVERMIND! I’m not tsundere, OK?” She hunched her shoulders and let out twin jets of steamy air from her nostrils. One of them caught another card on the table, flipping it over and sending it sliding.
“Well isn’t this educational,” Applejack smirked, retaking her seat and pushing her hat back on her head.
“It sure ISSSSS” Pinkie said, dragging out the last syllable into a musical note. She slid the recently flipped card over in front of Applejack as she sing-songed “I’m learning all sorts of things about my friends.”
I looked down at the card and groaned. The title read “Just Experimenting.” It featured Rainbow looking just as tsundere as ever, with AppleJack, Rarity, and Fluttershy all invading her personal space and looking at her seductively.”
“Oh my,” Fluttershy covered her mouth with a hoof.
“Oh my indeed,” added Rarity. “At least it caught my good side. I can’t say the same for you Applejack. That blush clashes with your natural color.”
“What the hay?” Applejack held her hooves out toward the new card, then shot a look at Rarity. She shuffled through the pile she’d collected and slid one in front of the white mare. It showed a flustered, and blushing Twlight, pushing Pinkie and Rarity together. The title was “Now Kiss.”
“Well I never.” She pinned me to the wall with eyes turned the color of ice. “I demand you explain this travesty at once.”
“Easy there Rarity,” Applejack said with a warning tone. “I honestly think you’re only upset because you’re not the one in control on that card.”
“Yeah,” Rainbow said, wings suddenly splaying in excitement. “It’s not like it’s calling you outright evil or anything. Oh wait.” She tossed a card onto the table. Rarity’s eyes flicked down to take in. “Evil Dictator Rarity.”
“Oh really?” She said with a dangerous tone. Her horn glowed and several of the cards floated up and fanned in front of her. “Well Rainbow Dash. You seem to get around so much you end up crossing your own path.” A card shot out from the collection to land on the table in front of the blue mare. “One might even say you’re rather full of yourself.”
The card in question read “Rainbow Dash Fan Club.” There was a bed, with Rainbow relaxing in it, three of her.
“You certainly look self satisfied,” Fluttershy said. Then made a small squeak and covered her mouth with both hooves as the second meaning of her words caught up with her.
Things went downhill after that. Cards flew back and forth in an ever escalating battle to out embarrass the other. Even Fluttershy wasn’t left out. And just so you know. When pushed against a wall, that pony can dish just as well as any of them. Unlike most of them, pinkie seemed to be enjoying herself and laughed in delight whenever she came up, showing absolutely no sense of shame whatsoever. It didn’t really help matters.
I just sat there with my face in my hands, wishing for the power of teleportation. I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that it took me some time to realize that there was one voice that wasn’t participating in the conflagration. I peaked through my fingers to see Twilight, quietly going through a small stack of cards. Her jaw was set, but her face was otherwise unreadable. She pulled out one card in particular and held it up, letting the others drop while she studied it closely. She must have felt me watching because her eyes flicked up. She held my gaze for a moment, then slowly pushed her chair back and walked toward the door to the rest of the house, tucking the one card under her wing. She held the door open and gave a small nod toward the other room before disappearing. You don’t have to tell me twice.
I got up and slipped away. I don’t think the rest noticed me going. In the other room, I felt the need to speak. “Look, Twilight, I—”
“Shhhh! I need to concentrate a second.” She was facing me, and she splayed her feet out in that broad stance. Her eyes closed, her head lowered and her horn started to glow. Sparks flew off in small arcs, swirling as if in a breeze that wasn’t there. I just braced myself.
There was a flash, and a pop, that brief sense of falling, and suddenly we we in a large room, lined with purplish stone. The clap of our arrival echoed off the walls. The room was well appointed, with stained glass windows, woven rugs and fine furniture, except for one piece. A few paces to one side was a battered and scrubbed wooden farm table, cards scattered across its surface.
“I bet AJ’s peeved,” I found myself saying before I caught myself.
Twilight gave a small huff of amusement. “I'll put it back when I’m sure there’s nobody in the way.” Then she fell silent again. He back legs seemed to go out from underneath her and she fell into a splayed sit, suddenly looking tired and concerned. Her head drooped.
“Look Twilight… uh … princess. I’m sorry I brought those cards here. If I had any idea…”
“I know,” was all she said. Her voice was strangely flat, but there was a edge to it that I couldn’t read. “I just need to know one thing.” The card floated out from under her wing and hovered in the air in front of me. It was the start card: “Fanfic Author Twilight.”
She cleared her throat.
“How did they know?”
