Discord Sets Up Your Date

by Lise

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Other, Romance, Random, Discord, Flash Sentry, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person
Length: 4878

FemAnon sets off to try and get a date in Equestria. Discord has made a deal to guide her actions.

FemAnon never expected to get a second chance at life, dreams, and love. Now she is in Equestria, ready to go on a date. There's just one catch: she has agreed to share her free will with Discord, who only sees it fitting that he should guide her actions, as well as select her potential love interest.

Warning! Contains body control and suggestive topics of sexual nature.

Written because of a bet with Flutterpriest.

Special thanks to Trithtale, mikesnipe and Enigmatic Otaku, for editing and advice.

Published 2016-08-29 23:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-08-29 23:40:01 UTC

Good Luck, Anon!

You never had any luck, did you? A grey existence, a boring cycle of days and nights, no friends, no family, no romance. And here you are on the verge of death, a virgin, about to pass on into the unknown.

What the bloody hell! Who are you? Why are you in my head?

You seem to have had an unpleasant accident. That left turn near the gas station? You shouldn't have made it, yet you did and here you are.

Shit!

An unpleasant situation, indeed. But this doesn't have to be the end! You are given a once in a lifetime opportunity. Discord, the benevolent spirit of chaos, has offered to magnanimously save your life. You'll be able to enjoy the sounds and sights of a magical land, achieve your dreams, and experience love… all in exchange for the most trifling of trifles.

Err, okay? What?

Puppeteering, a few strings attached. You'll partially allow me to control your actions and look through your eyes. Just for a while. It'll be so much fun! The places we can go, the things we could do! And once you get boring—as you inevitably will—you can continue being you full time.

I don't know, mate. Sounds fishy.

You do remember the whole “about to vanish into oblivion” thing, right? You—a virgin, who bursts in hives each time someone remotely handsome walks nearby—are refusing Discord's offer? Frankly, even if it wasn't for your accident you'd probably die a crazy cat lady whom everyone talks about behind her back. But, if your mind’s made up…

Hold on! I didn't say that! Just give me a bloody moment to think! … So this puppeteering thing is just for a while, right? And nothing creepy, eh?

You are ashamed you even thought of that! It's obvious that Discord has only your best interests at heart! Frankly, you're being quite rude and insulting! Maybe you deserve to—

’kay! Sheesh, give a girl a break, will you? I accept your bloody deal!

You just made the best decision in your life! It's all upwards and onwards from here! Welcome to Equestria, Anon, land of magic, romance, and talking ponies!

Talking what? You bloody lying—

*SNAP* Everything around you goes black. The smell of burnt ice cream fills your nostrils. At first you try to ignore it, believing it to be a trick of the mind or a remnant of last night's dream. The smell of sugary mustard, however, quickly changes your mind. Cautiously, you crack an eye open. You're in a room you've never seen before, without a clue how you got there. Thinking about it, you can't remember anything about your past either. It's almost as if a dark veil has—

What? Bollocks! I know exactly what happe—

What you do remember is the arrangement you made with the most benevolent deity after your unexpected arrival to Equestria.

You? Benevolent?! You're a liar and the bloody spirit of chaos!

The same arrangement that spared you from a painful death due to magic radiation poisoning? The same arrangement that saved you from your miserable existence of an overstressed, underpaid corporate slave living in a crowded apartment of a boring world? Come to think of it, you're overjoyed by this unexpected turn of events. Ending up in a magical land has provided you with a fresh start, a chance to achieve your dreams: fame, riches, a boyfriend... or girlfriend, you still aren't too sure on that part.

The world is full of horses, you bloody twit! You're raving if you think I—

You suddenly remember that you also have the power to transform any stallion, or mare, of your choice into a sickeningly bipedal form for an evening, if you so desire. The thought makes you relax, filling you with a sense of calm. You slide your hand along the bed. Its softness startles you. Glancing down, you see that it's not some torn mattress you’re lying on, but a real, a-hundred-percent pure, pegasus certified cloud. Your body tingles at thought how much fun you could have in one if these, assuming you play your cards right. Being given all this, and more, for the low price of having a benevolent deity influence your actions is definitely a sweet deal and you know it!

...go on.

Enjoying a few more seconds of softness, you pull yourself out of bed. The wastes of cloth you call clothes are lumped on the ceiling. After a yawn and a long stretch, you grab your shirt, then head off to take a shower. You don't need to bother with directions; once again, thanks to the supreme powers of the Spirit of chaos, all you need to do is open a door, any door, to arrive at your destination. You gaze at the majestic bathroom full of marble statues depicting Discord’s glory. A medium-sized cloud hangs in the middle of the room. Impressed beyond belief, you take off your clothes and go under the cloud. The moment you do, water starts pouring over you.

Bloody hell!

The water feels surprisingly good, much better than what you're used to. You poke your head out of the cloud-shower searching for a bar of soap when you suddenly are eye-to-eye with an extremely surprised grey mare wearing a purple bowtie.

"Excuse me, what exactly are you doing in my bathroom?" she asks you in a soft Trottingham accent.

Quickly you reach out to grab a towel to cover your indecency.

Hold on! Why should I be ashamed just 'cause a horse with a posh accent asked a perfectly reasonable question? Besides there are no towels in this bloody—

A large white towel appears in your hand, large enough to cover your chest and waist. Quickly you do so, not bothering with any other useless questions.

"Discord, why is there an alien creature in the bathroom again?" The mare's ears flick ever so slightly as she shouts into the corridor. "I thought we discussed this. And for stars’ sake, please stop moving the poor thing around like a puppet."

"It's not a puppet!" you shout outraged. "It's an action figure! And it volunteered!"

"Discord, please!" The mare gives you a somewhat unconvinced look.

"Thanks, love," you say, blissfully unaware of your incomprehensible luck. According to the terms of the contract you were not to get free speech until after you became boring. However, because of the mare’s request—

What’s that, guv? Troubles with the missus?

You, of course, realize that free speech once granted could be taken away again. Just something to keep in mind.

“Sorry about the bathroom, love,” you rightfully apologize to the mare. “Wasn't my idea and all."

"That's quite alright." she smiles. "Discord could be a hooffull at times, but he's a sweetheart. Why don't you explain things over a nice cup of tea and some breakfast?"

"Lovely." You nod, then, wrapping yourself tightly in the towel, follow her downstairs.

The steps feel slightly cold to touch, but you endure, making a note to be nice to your hosts. Reaching the end of the staircase, a majestic living room extends before you. Miles and miles of checkered carpet continue in every direction up to the walls you assume are somewhere beyond the horizon. A giant table of white m—

"Discord dear, could you be ever so kind as to shrink the living room back to normal?" the mare in the bowtie suggests. "I think there's no need to confuse our guest more than you already have."

Before your very eyes, the endless vastness shrinks to confines of a small comfortable room—nothing but the basics: a table, a couch, and the most spectacular armchair you have seen in your entire life. Relaxing in it is the benevolent spirit of chaos himself, allowing you to bask in his glory. Upon seeing you, he smiles gesturing for you to take a seat at the table... across the couch...on the tiny wooden stool.

"Please, join me on the couch," the grey mare says as she climbs on.

"But, Octy, sweetness, the couch should be for you," the spirit of chaos begins. "Surely you don't want to get any of that biped's germs on your beautiful coat?"

"Discord, please," the mare frowns at him. "Let us at least try to act civilized?" She sits on one end, allowing you to go beside her. However, considering the circumstances, you choose to go to their other side of the table and— "Discord!" The mare says sharply. "You know I'm as supportive of your hobbies as is decently possible, but I cannot accept you depriving the poor soul of her free will!"

Oooh, boy. Good catch, mate. Absolutely love your wife!

For a brief moment you are reminded that the benevolent Discord will be keeping an eye on you. That said, you take your seat on the couch.

"Apologies for the dreadful ordeal you've been through.” The mare offers you a cup of tea.

You take it, glancing at the rich orange texture as you do. There is no way of telling what it's made of, but if the smell is any indication it's minty, sweet, with a faint aroma of oranges.

"Green tea with mint and orange peels," the mare says helpfully. "I do hope you like it." She then lifts her cup in delightful fashion and takes and elegant sip. "Oh, but where are my manners. I'm Octavia, Octavia Melody."

"A—" you begin, but find that you don't want to share your name. It's a horrible name, entirely not worth mentioning! "Augustina."

"Really?" Octavia's ears twitch. "That's remark—"

"Or Anon for short!" Discord quickly interrupts.

What the heck?

You suddenly remember the reason you agreed to Discord’s offer. Not the accident that brought you here, but the hidden deep desire that kept you crying at night in the hopes of—

"Anon for short!" you say quickly. "I just love being anonymous here in..." You look around not exactly sure where 'here' is.

"Equestria," Discord finishes the sentence for you. "You see, Octy, Anon has come here for a very important reason. A matter of life or death, actually." A large grin forms on his face sending chills down your spine.

"Oh?" Octavia looks at you, head tilting to the side.

"Well, yeah." You feel uncomfortably hot, your cheeks suddenly start to burn. "Right. That thing..." You take a gulp of your tea, hoping to come up with a not so embarrassing explanation.

"She's searching for a boyfriend," Discord says loudly, making you choke, spitting tea all over the table.

"Bloody hell!" You jump to your feet, your face glowing like a red dwarf. You open your mouth to say something, but only stuttering comes out.

"Ah, I understand." Octavia nods sagely, then pours you another cup of tea. "It took me ages to get someone to notice me as well." She gives the draconequus a sharp glance. "If there's anything we could help—"

"...is precisely the reason I brought her here!" Discord snaps his fingers. Posters of stallions appear all over the walls. Judging by the camera angles you could tell they must be the most eligible bachelors in Equestria. For some reason you don't seem at all impressed. Not to worry, though, for Discord snaps his fingers and the stallions are replaced by human males—hunks of your wildest dreams. Drool appears in the corner of your mouth.

I bloody hate you!

You might think that, yet you keep staring, unable to look away. You actually consider asking the benevolent spirit if he’d lend you the posters. For aesthetic and art reasons, of course.

"That's marvelous," Octavia claps her hooves. "Although, maybe you should let nature run its course? Last time you tried to play Cupid things didn't turn out as expected."

"Huh?" You look at Octavia, then at Discord. "What happened last time?" Your voice is alarmingly uneven.

"Oh, nothing, nothing." Discord waves a paw dismissively, at which both you and Octavia narrow your eyes. "Look, all’s well that ends well, right? Besides he's happily married to her sister now. That's what counts, right?"

"Dear," Octavia sighs. "The point was for Flitter to get a coltfriend. Something she still hasn't managed to this day." For some inexplicable reason you find that statement somewhat alarming. Logic, of course, suggests it's a onetime fluke. "So, Anon," Octavia turns to you. "What type of stallions do you prefer?"

You shuffle slightly at the question, trying to discreetly glance at the posters on the wall. You strongly suspect that your action is noticed, but Octavia has the decency not to point it out.

"Are those wings?" you ask, gaping at them like a puppy at a snack.

"I see," Octavia giggles into her hoof. "Pegasi it is then. Any thoughts of—"

"Octavia sweetie, maybe not set the bar too high?" Discord snaps his fingers once more. All the posters vanish replaced by a single giant portrait of a blue maned orange pegasus. Of course, you see a half naked athletic hunk with short blue hair and wings. "At present Anon would appreciate setting her sights on something attainable?"

"Dear, are you sure?" Octavia's ears twitch noticeably. "I’m not sure if that’s..." her voice trails off, but you aren't even listening. Your eyes cannot leave the portrait. Blue hair! Blue hair and wings! It's truly a match made in heaven. You feel your pulse hasten, as your cheeks start to burn. "Well, who am I to judge?" Octavia adds hesitantly.

"Precisely!" Discord claps. "I'm sure that Anon will have a great time. Right?"

"Uh-huh," you utter, then down your tea in a single gulp. Seems that your deal wasn't a mistake, after all. You try to return to casual behavior—have some biscuits, comment on life in Equestria, compliment your hosts, and possibly even engage in useless small talk. Your attempts fail miserably, as you only mutter a few unintelligible words, still focusing on the blue-haired's muscles.

"Flash Sentry," the draconequus says in an amused tone. "One of the most... discussed guards in Equestria. A lieutenant in the Crystal Royal Guard, he once caught the eye of Princess Twilight herself."

"I can see why," you whisper to Octavia, who only offers an uncomfortable smile in return.

"Indeed," Discord grins, rubbing his forelimbs together. "A bit of a recluse lately, and currently single. Actually, due to certain misconceptions he's probably ready to go out with any—"

"Discord!" Octavia interrupts, darting a warning glance at him.

"Anon!" the draconequus quickly corrects. "He's ready to go out with Anon!" Drops of sweat trickle down his face, but you’re too preoccupied with the portrait to notice. "Ready to see him now?"

"A-ha," you say half-dreaming.

Wait, what? The bloody hell I am! I can't just waltz up to him wrapped in a towel! He'd think I'm daft!

You consider that some stallions—or people—would find that preferable, actually. Not to mention that the majority of inhabitants of Equestria are, for the lack of better word, buck naked. While you wonder, you feel a hoof gently rest on your shoulder. Octavia reassures you with a smile and a nod. You, however, still feel quite nervous.

Pfft! As if! Just 'cause he has blue hair and wings, doesn't mean I'll—

*Snap* Your surroundings suddenly change. The comfortable room is replaced by more nature you have seen in your life. Green grass tickles your feet, a fresh breeze blows through your hair, the smell of—

Have you gone bonkers?! I'm frigging naked in the middle of a bloody park!

Of course, you know that you can simply snap with your fingers and change your clothes anytime you want. You also make a note to pay more attention to the specifics of your arrangement with the benevolent Discord.

Oh. Snap my fingers, eh? Thanks, guv.

You snap your fingers. To your amazement the towel you were wearing is instantly replaced by a new set of clothes; that is, if by new you mean the same set of rags you've been wearing for years: skinny torn jeans—hipster black, of course—vintage AD&D blouse you got from a flea market, and the worst grey sneakers in two realities. It could have been worse, you tell yourself. Then again, this is just a minor issue. As they say 'it's not the clothes that bring out the charm.'

You pass your fingers through your hair. It's been ages since you've done that. Instinctively you tilt your head backwards trying to achieve the alluring pose you've seen on all the fashion magazine covers. There's no way of telling how successful you are, since there are no mirrors anywhere around. Maybe it's passable, or maybe it's a complete disaster? You'll never know. It's not like anyone is watching—

"Hey there." You hear a polite male voice behind you. It seems there was someone watching after all.

I'll bloody kill ya!

Stiff as a Living marionette you start to turn around. Halfway there, you catch a glimpse of a stallion—orange and blue blur your vision as you start to hyperventilate. This isn't good, you think, as you desperately try to snap yourself as far away as possible. Not that it would work, even if you had the power to do so. Your hands are so sweaty that you can't even produce a proper snap. You could always use your legs to run off, you consider, but then you’d be missing this one-in-a-thousand chance you might never have again.

"Haven't seen you around, are you new?" Your worst fear has come true. It is Flash Sentry, and he's less than ten steps away. Your heart feels like it's about to burst. "You okay? You seem a bit lost?" He halves the distance with wide strides moving his wings as he walks. Your heart explodes. A wave of blood rushes to your face and cheeks.

"Hey," you squeak, smiling like an idiot who's about to faint. Your hands are literally shaking so you move them behind your back. "I... err..." Your mind is blank, completely deprived of words. The only things you could think of are his magnificent wings, his wild blue mane, his... You really are bad at this, aren't you?

Gimme a break, you josser! And weren’t you supposed to help me or something?!

*Sigh* You regain your composure, pushing all the stupid fantasies out of your mind, then take a few steps toward him. Flash is still smiling, looking at you with interest. Bipeds aren't too common in this part of Equestria and despite what you might think of yourself, you have good features. Also, thanks to a touch of chaos he can imagine you as a mare, so all's fine. Now is the time to win him over with a few well-placed pickup lines.

"..." you say, making Flash tilt his head slightly. His ears turn your direction, acknowledging you have his full attention. "..." Your mouth moves, yet no no sound comes out. Good move, though. The strange behaviour has intrigued Flash to the extent that he takes a step forward. A perfect opportunity for you to pass your hand through that charming blue mane of his and—

No bloody way I'm doing that! Bloody heck, I think I'll be sick! ... Or faint.

Pathetic is a life goal you can only aspire to achieve, it seems. You are aware we're talking about patting a horse, right?

A bloody flying, talking horse that I can transform into a bloody dreampie! No! No way in heck I'm going on with this! Thanks for the eye candy and all, but now just zap me back to your crib or wherever.

"Hey there," you smile, waving your hair. "Sorry, you surprised me. I didn't expect anyone to be here." You approach him and then gently slide your fingers along his muzzle moving upwards.

Don't you bloody dare!

Playfully, you scratch the spot behind his ear. Moving on to stroke his mane. It's quite different from what you've seen on TV—there's the sensation of touch for one thing.

I'll kill you! How could you do this to me?! You... I... just walked to him and started... Heck this goes beyond flirting even! Just get me out of here. Now! Please!

You do notice he's extended his head a bit. Oh, he might be trying to hide it, but that and the semi opened wings are telltale signs that he founds the action rather enjoyable, be it a bit surprising.

...maybe I could stay just a bit longer.

"You're quite straightforward," Flash pulls away—with some effort, you can only hope. Even in this form he's quite charming. His uniform looks a bit silly, though. Definitely not something you'd wear if you were a mare. Not that you'd ever be, of course. "Want to come by the pond? Much more relaxing. I like to go there when I want to think about things."

Err... err... what the bloody heck do I do?!

"I'd love to," you say softly. Calm and collected, you follow Flash as he leads you to this mysterious location. On the inside you are freaking out like a little girl. "I never asked you your name," you add casually. A lie, of course, but he doesn't knows that.

"Hey, that was my line," he laughs, turning his head around. For the slightest of moments you think you almost saw him wink. "Flash. Flash Sentry. Your turn."

"Oh, just Anon." You try to resist the urge to touch his wings. It's unbecoming, inappropriate, rude, and totally something you should do. You quicken your pace, then without warning, place your hand upon his wing. Flash freezes. For two full seconds he stands there, like a deer in the headlights. "Oh, sorry, I couldn't stop myself," you offer an apology, yet don't remove your hand. "They're just so... beautiful." Fortunate for you, Flash doesn't seem to be listening, otherwise he'd have laughed at your ridiculously lame comment.

Tough, 'cause they are! Also they're soft... silky soft...

"I get that a lot," Flash takes the compliment as any stallion would. "Though, warn me about that next time, okay? Guard reflexes and all. I don't want to hurt someone as nice as you by accident."

Right, he was a guard or something. You briskly pull back your hand. You're entire face feels hot all of a sudden, and it's not because of the sun. Funny how just a moment ago you were terrified of touching his mane and now you can't keep your hands off him. Well, there might be hope for you yet.

Shut up.

There's no telling if Flash wants to impress you, or is really bad at directions, but you end up in a small cafe at the edge of the Crystal Empire. Not a bad place by the looks of it: crystal tables, crystal chairs, crystal menus, everything’s made of crystal. You vaguely remember muttering in agreement to his offer to treat you to a bite, but it's all a bit foggy. That's what you get for staring at his wings non-stop.

“Please,” Flash invites you to take a seat. You do so, “accidentally” brushing against his wing in the process. Clearly you have a serious thing for wings now, and it hasn't even been an hour since you arrived in Equestria.

Quit it!

“Great view, right?” Flash asks then gives a nod to the waiter. “In the morning you can see the entire palace shine. Sunsets are better, though.”

“Uh-huh.” You bury your face in the menu trying not to look like an infatuated college girl. The dishes offered make no sense, but you could tell by the prices that Flash has brought you to a pretty cheap place.

Hey, lay off the guy! He’s… nice.

“So, tell me about yourself?” He asks the most boring question ever. It's refreshing hearing it from someone else. Now, for the first time you get to experience how terrible it sounds. “First time away from home?”

“Nah,” you close the menu. It's time to add a little character to your persona, some exciting and exotic backstory, as it were. “I've crossed several dimensions, seen more cultures than I could count.” Technically that's not even a lie. Back on Earth you did experience over a dozen different cultures… all of them in the same shopping mall. “Nothing as good as this place.”

“Wow.” He swishes his tail. Good going, Anon! If this were a dating simulator you'd be halfway there. You're just about to make another brilliant comment, when the waiter places a crystal vase with flowers in front of you.

“Wow, Flash.” You take a deep whiff. The aroma is strong as perfume, sweet with a slight bittery after-smell. “They are lovely!” You take one and place it behind your ear. The sound of a dozen shattering glasses makes you turn around. A waitress-pony is staring at you, mouth ajar. Beside you, the weighter who brought the vase is staring at you his face twisted in adulterated shock. Even Flash shuffles uncomfortably in his seat. “Is anything wrong?” You ask in your most innocent voice.

“Umm, Anon.” Flash points to your ear. “That’s supposed to… Maybe just some water?” he asks the waiter, who is all too eager to rush away, leaving you two alone.

Great job, Anon! You seem to have completely forgotten what composes a pony’s diet. Flowers, like pastries, are edible. The bouquet you were served was actually the entree, and you put it behind your ear. Quite scandalous, to say the least.

“Oh, I'm so sorry!” You quickly take the flower off and put it in the vase. “I didn't mean to…” You feel your cheeks blush. Don't you feel like an idiot? By nightfall you'll probably be the talk of the Crystal Empire.

“Hey, it's okay.” Flash stands and goes to you, placing a gentle wing over your shoulders. “Accidents happen. That's where the fun lies.” He drops a few brass coins on the table. “Come, let's go.”

In your mind you faint a dozen times. The scene is too perfect, just like the prince you've always dreamed of, taking you away into the wilderness. You immediately follow his lead, allowing yourself to be swept off the chair. Before you know it the two of you are laughing, as you run to nowhere in particular, the buildings of the city behind you. With a snap of your fingers you remove your shoes, enjoying the feeling of grass under your feet.

The two of you continue for hours, running until your legs are too tired to continue, and the smell of sweetish sweat has overwhelmed your nostrils. Exhausted, you stop at a pond, falling to the ground. Nearly a minute you just lay there, catching your breath, smiling, dreaming.

“It's almost sunset,” Flash says. You can see he's already sitting at the edge of the pond, inches away from the water. He doesn't say he wants you to join him, but the way his left wing twitches, it's more than clear. Letting out a girlish giggle, you oblige, snuggling against him.

His coat feels surprisingly soft, warm, still wet with sweat from all that running. You don't mind one bit, pressing against him even more. Barely a second later you feel his soft wing relax along your back and shoulders, covering you like a cloak.

"You really are something, you know," you whisper, just loud enough for him to hear. Flash remains silent, yet you feel the wing's embrace gently tighten.

"I broke up with my marefriend three weeks ago," he says out of the blue. Your heart skips a beat. Now you know that he's single and looking for a rebound. All you have to do is seal the deal without messing up. A strong tingly feeling passes through your entire body. Now you are in complete control of your actions. You have the power to do something memorable, or make the biggest mistake of your life.

"Wanna hook up?" Your boldness surprises even you. "There are a million ifs in the past, but the present's only got one, so why not make the best of it?"

Quite a deep thought, and definitely not unnoticed. Flash looks at you like one of those fashion models of the magazines you used to hoard under your bed back home. Your breathing increases, bringing you to the verge of hyperventilation. Your heart is beating so hard that it feels like it will burst out of your chest. He opens his mouth to say something, yet you never give him the chance. Snapping your fingers, you transform the pegasus into a blue-haired orange-winged human angel—conveniently only wearing boxer shorts—and land a kiss right on his lips.

"Technically it's not evening yet," you hear a voice in your mind, as the kiss intensifies and Flash embraces you with both arms and wings. "But what the heck, I'll let it slide. It's bound to be evening somewhere, am I right?"

You don't bother replying, wrapping your own arms round the muscular body of your first successful date. Not a bad job, Anon, considering. Apparently dreams can come true. At this point there's only one thing left to wonder: once the fun is over and morning arrives… where will you wake up?