Life in the Tree Branches

by ISKV

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Original Character
Length: 3678

A human from space observes the pony population.

I was once a researcher's assistant on some big space research vessel. I admit, I made some mistakes, but my uptight bastard of a boss decided to promote me to Field Researcher. My first, and obviously last mission, was to indefinitely observe a newly discovered race just so I could be off his ship. Stuff like daily logs, observation for hours on end, all without contact.

And in the background, there's a war going on. That's actually why I accepted the job. It was either observation, or conscription.

Don't you just love my options?

Published 2012-07-09 03:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-09 03:24:01 UTC

Mistake of a Lifetime

***If you paid money to read this, you've been ripped off***

I was once an assistant on a research vessel, the UGS Star Seer. It was not the biggest ship, nor did it house anyone important, but it was one of the toughest, allowing us to go places that would completely destroy a regular ship. Like the inside of a star for example. Our mission was to gather and process information from whatever celestial body and anything on them that hadn’t been observed properly. We had just come from Lucifer’s Nebula, a beautifully red cloud in the infinite cosmos. It was one of the least researched nebulae due to its violent nature, hence its name. Dr. Mobius, the lead researcher, also my boss, had finally gotten his hands on a sample of the core gas, gas that existed only in the center of this nebula.

Of all the times I made a mistake, it was the worst possible time.

It was just that one time...Just once. The gas was supposed to yield countless secrets. It did however, yield a foul stench...And something that made Swiss cheese out of the ship's superstructure.

Heh...Whoops.

Let’s just say that I accidentally used gasoline instead of water. After this accident, he decided that I worked better alone and I was “promoted” to the rank of field researcher.

AKA-GTFO

Not four hours after my promotion, I was sent away to Edyax VIII for field training.

Hey, it was that or conscription. And let me tell you, Alliance military is harsh. The training is harsh, the punishment is harsh, even the guns are harsh. They buy an infinite number of cheap weapons that have been known to blow up in your face. And the worst part is that they don't even try to hide it. So I went with staring at the locals for a couple months.

My mission was simple, for an indefinite period, get in, lay low, and gather info. My destination-Planet AMF-19034 or as we call it, Neo-Greece, due to its uncanny number of creatures previously thought to exist only in myths. It was a varying planet, some parts lush, some dry, some cold, and so on. Much like our own Earth. Specifically, I was to observe the customs and culture of a country filled with, of all creatures, Ponies. I was to only to observe them from a distance. No contact, no mess. Countless spy satellites had passed over the region before, but there was only so much you could learn from satellites. But after abducting several specimens, we learned much, much more.

Of course this being my first mission, I had to first go through training, how to gather food, how to stay hidden, how to observe, and how to use the camouflage set. The set consisted of a camouflage suit which resembled a Ghillie suit and a “Spy Watch” we liked to call it. The suit allowed for two different levels of camouflage and the watch gave the wearer the ability to change into a single creature, should contact occur. The basic training was the easy part.

The hard part was the specific details which differed depending on your destination. I personally found learning how to live as your chosen creature the most difficult. My friend had to learn how to write with claws the size of a hand, another had to learn how to act like he was one with the horde, the person behind us had to practice flying with the two pairs of wings on her back. I had to learn how to live as a unicorn. That meant using magic and walking with four legs. I swore I saw this in a cartoon once.

The first time transforming felt nauseating at worst, awkward at best. Why a unicorn? Practicality over preference is what they told me. The magic would allow me to operate equipment without having to rely on hooves or to change back. Dark green coat, black hair or mane they insisted, and black (or just really dark brown) eyes. Apparently that scheme had been chosen so I could hide in the forest better in the case I was without my camouflage suit. Walking was actually pretty easy, save for the fact that I would have to do Tarzan stunts as a quadruped. Magic was just plain confusing. By the time I had been able to get some sparks to fly from my horn, my friend said I looked like I had constipation.

She even kept yelling "Use the Force!"

Very funny Pria.

~Months Later~

I'm still surprised. Never had I thought I could harness magic. I started out slamming the binoculars against my head, giving me a pair of black eyes, now, I was able to move a pair of binoculars from the table and bring them to my eyes, pack and unpack my equipment, and move a marble through a maze without it touching the walls. I have to tell you, it was pretty cool.

I was more surprised that I was able to beat the forest and the urban course both under a minute and in both forms. After injecting me with "Physical Enhancement" or something, they said I could do even better. All I heard was STEROIDS.

All in all, they said I was ready.

***

"Tensions are high, as the Universal Liberation Fleet continues to threaten civilian and government planets. While the General has promised to target, and to eventually neutralize the threat, the ULF has been determined to have no such "Snake's Head" forcing the Alliance of the Nine from outright warfare into policing suspected sectors of interest. While only a month ago the ULF was considered nothing more than fanatics, that picture was violently torn down when an attack against an Alliance command ship resulted in a victory for the ULF. Widespread panic has gripped the people. Not only-"

6:00 AM Earth Time. I slammed my hand down onto the alarm clock radio to turn it off. Galactic News was nice and all, but when all of the radios in the Alliance was set only to that station because of some bullshit about "Enemy Propaganda" and such, it gets tiring. Not to mention GN sometimes broadcasts their own propaganda. Hypocritical bastards.

I knew I needed to move. I was to take a shuttle back to the Star Seer and from there space jump down onto the surface. I'll admit right now.

I've never gone space jumping.

***

From the first moment they kicked my ass out the door, I had one and only one word on my mind.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

Still pissed apparently.

***

5000 METERS Said the useful HUD on my helmet.
"-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

***

1000 METERS-DEPLOYING PARACHUTE In red letters said my helmet.
"-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

***
CONTACT
"-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-Dho!"

I took off my helmet and I breathed like I never breathed before. Then I breathed hard enough that I choked. How do you choke on air?

After calming down, I noticed it was nighttime when I reached the ground. I look around to see silhouettes of the trees with the moon in the background. I could make a living selling postcards of this place. Very calming, very scenic.

My custom made bag had been sent first and the red flare revealed the location of the leather bag. It was made so I could carry it both as a human and as a unicorn. Thank you supply manager for having this wonderful insight.

Inside the bag was a collection of obsolete equipment. All field researchers were issued the most obsolete equipment possible in case anything got stolen or found by the technologically naive natives. Actually the real reason was that it was just cheap.

Binoculars with long range audio listening device thingy, multiple camouflage tarps, machete, a small toolbox also containing cleaning equipment, medical kit, reusable red and green flares, survival clothes, and a map. Real paper too. Hell, I don't even thing they had paperwork anymore but they still gave me this? I know I was trained for it but...still...

The most technologically advanced items were my "Spy Watch," my camouflage suit, a tablet for recording logs and for communicating with the Star Seer, and an alarm clock radio. At least everything was made to last.

Looking at the map, it seems that I landed in the middle a forest. My target was a small town...almost twelve miles away. I know that my body (both human and unicorn) had been boosted by the STEROIDS, but I still had the mindset of a little nerd trying to find his place. I started running.

***

With a mile to go, I decide that this was as good as any place to set up my base. And that's when I realized I was missing something essential. ROPE! Bastards didn't even include rope!

Pushing the need for twisted fibers out of my mind, I took out my machete and chopped off some branches off of a nearby willow to use as a rope substitute. After choosing and climbing a tree up to the middle, I crudely fashioned a platform out of some branches and then used camouflage tarp as both the roof and as a floor covering. It was big enough to lay down in, and it even had a convenient broken branch to hang my bag. The floor on the other hand was itchy, something kept poking me, and it felt like it it would fall apart, but it was good enough.

I soon fell asleep to the wind gently rocking the branches.

Logbook Entry #1

Alliance of the Nine

The Alliance was formed when six systems allied themselves with three massive corporations that made a variety of products from toenail shampoo to state-of-the-art Juggernaut class cruisers. The corporations eventually merged, creating the biggest monopoly in all of history. The governments of the six systems traded ideas, cultures, and customs, eventually creating a mixed but common culture, not unlike the Hellenistic culture that resulted from Alexander the Great's conquests on the planet Earth. The military is controlled by The General, a figure whose origins are kept secret even to the council for security reasons. He has full control over the armed forces without having to deal with any red tape. The arsenal of the military consists of countless cheap weapons and disposable fighters. Both are made flimsy so there will always be a continuous flow of cash to the corporation. The fighters come in twelve designer colors, although that doesn't mean much when you have a squadron on your tail. But at least you'll go out in style! You also have the option of extra explosives so you will go out with a bang as well.

Logbook Entry #2

Universal Liberation Fleet

Not much is known of this mysterious force, but its origins are confirmed. A disgruntled Lieutenant General was cheated out of being a full general due to a paperwork error purposely set by his rival. After attempting a coup, he took the remainder of his forces and fled to an unknown region where he accepted pilots and soldiers who were tired of feeling worthless. Without a large number of factories or barracks at their disposal, the ULF has put quality over quantity, with an extreme example being a single modified ULF Falcon fighter fending off eighty Vespula fighters. After running out of ammunition half way through, the pilot decided to simply ram the enemies. Before he could ram the last one, the Alliance fighter got in a lucky shot, igniting his fuel and obliterating the ULF fighter. The stranded pilot then threw debris towards the final Alliance fighter. The fighter then exploded in a ball of blue flame and the smell of cheap air freshener. For the next hour or so, the stranded pilots continued throwing debris at each other and exchanged many middle fingers.

Day Job

"The Alliance celebrated a large victory today, as they discovered and seized twelve Hypren Class Dreadnaughts from the ULF, three of which were still under construction. While these ships are considered obsolete by today's standards, intelligence reports that these ships were to be used to capture raw materials and ship yards in various planets. Security at those locations has been increased tenfold with some key locations receiving additional-"

The sky had an faint orange glow to it, indicating the approaching sunrise. Today was the first day of observation and I had to get there before every...pony woke up.

With a slap on the button, the GN reporter was silenced, and the air filled with chirping birds.

I got up. At least I was alive. There were plenty of stories about rookies that didn't even last an entire day. I grabbed a few berries hanging from a nearby vine. My lessons, however hurried they were, taught me that this was edible. Red with two leaves right? Or was it three...? Bah. Who cares.

From here on, I would have to stick with being a unicorn due to being so close to a populated area. And so for the first time on this world, I gave up my hands for hooves, and turned into something straight out of a cartoon. I closed my eyes, pressed some buttons on my watch, felt weird, and then I was a pony. Just like that. I did feel sorry for the poor bastard who tested the prototype Spy Watch though. He said he felt much pain, and couldn't walk for weeks. Thank god this method was refined.

With some trouble, and getting my head unstuck, I donned the camouflage suit. Other than changing color or turning invisible, it also apparently changed depending on what form I was in. Whoever thought of this was a genius.

With some fiddling around and using some of the willow branches, I was able to tie the bag so that it wouldn't fall off. Not too comfortable, but it was...well...good enough. Memorizing the location of my base, I headed out as the first researcher in this new world, observing ponies in their natural habitat.

Movin' out.

***

Oh fuck. Oh fuckfuckfuckfuck. How did it get to this? One moment I'm walking in the bushes, the next I come face to face with a zebra with a mohawk. My heart's pumping, the sweat is making me feel like a sauna, and I feel like a deer in the headlights. I gasp and she hears me. She gets into a stance which I presume is a defensive or a threatened one. Come on, not even a day and I already make contact? This was not supposed to happen. Not supposed to happen. Oh god, she's moved her...she moved her head like...Like she's looking for something? I then realize that instinctively I turned on the invisibility on my suit. It would only last for a minute, but it had saved me from being seen.

She slowly backs away when suddenly a small animal behind a bush makes an equally small noise. Panicked, she continues backing away until she suddenly decided to start running.

I just stand there. And I breath...Breath like I fell from the sky. Oh wait.

Thank you to whoever designed this suit. Really.

Eventually my heartbeat goes down and the sweat dries up. That was too close. I decided to take advantage of my enhanced and trained body by staying in the branches. After a moment of dizziness, it was actually much easier to get around. I could go where I wanted without having to hide behind bushes and avoid clearings.

***

Observation Position #1 - Southwest of Populated Area

I picked out a spot south of a cottage that looked like it had been ripped out of a Disney movie. The immediate area also seems to be an animal hotspot. Must avoid.

Picking the highest tree in the area, I made my position not unlike the base a mile away. There seemed to be no movement, with the exception of a grey spot flying around. The sun was just below the horizon and that gave me enough time to set up the binoculars.

Looking through the binoculars, the town was a whole different picture. The whole town looked like it had been copied from a Disney movie. The grey spot changed into a mailpony who later backed through (Yes through) a building that looked like to be the town center/hall/mayor's office.

A pair of ponies were already up and kicking trees. A closer look revealed the trees were in fact, being harvested, as each kick resulted in apples falling from the trees and falling into wooden containers.

Returning my attention to the town, the inhabitants seemed to be getting up at once. Plugging the earphones in the binoculars, I started listening to the town. The first thing I heard almost blew out my ear drums.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER ALARM CLOCKS!"

Various noises, up to and including an air raid siren, were then heard throughout the town.

Oh joy.

***

Noon. After getting sick of listening to GN during lunch (the same kind of berries from breakfast plus some leaves I decided to try out as a pony) I decided to use my free time to ah..."Fix" my radio so it could listen to other stations. ARCH News, whatever music station happened to be on, radio soap operas, talk shows, etc. By that time I figured I'd seen enough of the town, but I kept listening and brought my attention to the alarm clock radio.

Only fours screws. Should be easy enough.

"Ready to go to the spa darling?"

"Oh yes. I hope-" Foals playing drowned out the rest.

Find tuning device.

"Hey Pinkie!"

"Hi Rosemary! How are the flowers doing?"

"Good!"

Remove tuning device.

"Triple check the double check checklist?"

"After that we need to write my report to the princess and and if we get that done, we may have enough time to-"

"Re-shelve the entire library...?"

"No Spike, we may have enough time to make tomorrow's schedule."

Install adjustable tuning device.

"Apples! Get yer freshly bucked apples!"

"Ooh. I'll take a dozen."

"Thanks miss. Here, have an extra!"

Reconnect with main board.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER...um...CRUSADERS?"

"Admit it. We're all out of ideas."

Test connection. I removed my earphones to listen to the stations that should be playing.

"The oppressive Alliance continues-" Yup. There was ARCH News.

"Maybe you'll learn. And you...will be free! " Station sucks, but it's music nonetheless.

"'I love you.'
'I love you too'
*Insert kissing noises*
'N..no it's too early'" Oh good, soap operas.

"Thing is, they elected a warrior but they got a wimp." And talk shows. It's political, but it's better than being force fed news.

I plugged my earphones back in just in time to catch the words of a certain unicorn that nearly made my heart stop.

"-because they want to learn about us! Bon BonBonBonBon do you know what this means? Humans. ARE. COMING.

"Lyra, for the last time, humans are just an old pony's tale-"

"But I can PROVE it!"

"Not now Lyra."

"But-"

"Not. Now."

Specimen 012 - Female, Unicorn, light aquamarine with lyre mark.

...And to answer your question, yes we did use probes.

***

Sundown. Other than a faint barking coming from what looks like a hospital, the entire town was silent as if there was an enforced curfew.

I packed up my gear and headed back. While the observation position would be left as is, I would be choosing a different location tomorrow. I might be able to look at something new, or maybe I could travel to...what was it...Canterlot?

Ah well. I'll keep the option in my mind. But for now, back to base.

***

"As the Alliance continues to deny our right to fight as people and forces the brainwashed soldiers and pilots to fight like mere worthless drones, the ULF has promised to all that they are welcome to fight alongside us. They claim that the ULF has a fragmented leadership. This is as truthful as their council. They have gathered their forces and are planning an attack in the near future. Please wish our warriors luck and may the free live on. This has been ARCH news. Good night/morning/afternoon."

I had this bitter taste in my mouth after ARCH news stopped shoveling propaganda in my mouth. Or maybe it was that rabbit I ate for dinner...Ah well.

My little base had grown into a small tree house. The floor stopped creaking, and I actually had room to stand up in. After hearing about how "unnatural" or "haunted" this forest was, I figured I could make a bigger base if ponies weren't going to come along here often.

I had only five more months of this. I knew I could live indefinitely here, but there's a limit on sanity.

Entry #3

Specimen 012 A.K.A. Lyra Heartstrings

Initially encountered in a forest near a populated area, 012 was captured for study by remote drone. Lab tests indicate an unusual tolerance to sedatives, and has repeatedly regained consciousness during testing. Field reports confirm that 012 has retained memory of encounter, and has tried repeatedly to convince others of our existence. While this was unintentional, it has convinced others that 012 is delusional, thus hiding us further. No attempt to modify her memory is necessary.

It has also been confirmed that humans exist as mythological creatures. Further observation is necessary to determine whether humans have previously been in contact with inhabitants.

Entry #4

Ponies

Ponies are the main inhabitant of the country of Equestria. There are three common types, regular earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns. Earth ponies are more physical, pegasi have the ability to fly, and unicorns have the ability to use magic for psychokinesis and presumably for a countless number of abilities. It is currently unknown if the abilities of all three can be combined into one "Superpony."

The marks on the flanks of ponies seem to relate to their profession, although the circumstances that such a mark appears is unknown.

Other than that, they're all really cute.