Beer and a Knife Fight 2: Celestia Discovers Iced Tea
Louder for the People in Back!
Beer and a Knife Fight 2: Celestia Discovers Iced Tea
by Present Perfect
Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, Savior of Equestria trotted through the streets of Ponyville in a state of delirious happiness. The reason for her happiness trotted right beside her: Celestia, Sol Invicta, Princess of Equestria, Dame of Everfree Province, Bringer of the Sun, Sovereign of the Day, The Light Upon the Mountain.
In other words, her schmoopy-doopy special somepony.
Ever since Twilight and Celestia had become an item -- in a magical, romantic ceremony involving drinking and fighting that Twilight would never forget so long as she lived -- Twilight had wanted nothing more than to show her new marefriend off to her friends. Oh, sure, she could have taken Celestia to her parents, but as Celestia's parents were both extradimensional, non-physical representations of abstract concepts and thus often busy, she thought it would be a somewhat lop-sided way to start their relationship. Instead, they would visit the ponies Twilight most cared about. And Spike.
Thus, the first stop in their whirlwind, post-relationship tour of Ponyville was Twilight's own castle, to visit her favorite servant. That he was her only servant meant he had to be her favorite.
"Wow!" Spike said, clasping his claws over his chest and staring up at the two of them in wonder. "That's... that's great news! Congratulations!"
Twilight put a wing around Celestia, smiling wider than ever before. "Yup! True love always finds a way, Spike!"
"True love..." Spike's eyes got misty for some odd reason. Twilight momentarily wondered if she hadn't left the humidifier running. It did get so dry in this castle.
"After all these years," Twilight continued, beaming, "we finally found each other in a single moment of pure, unadulterated bliss."
Spike rubbed at his eyes, then turned tail and ran up the stairs to sulk in his room. Twilight knew the sound of that walk anywhere. "I'm so glad you found love before me-e-e-e!" he called behind him.
She wasn't worried, though. Later, she could tell him how, now that she and Celestia were together, sending letters to her would be so much easier. Really, she was doing him a favor! Granted, she hadn't been sending friendship reports for a couple of years now, so Spike was generally redundant these days, but it would probably make him feel better about his pointless existence.
Next stop, Rainbow Dash! Twilight had gotten used to the novelty of her wings these days, but she still enjoyed being able to visit her most skybound friend without needing hot air balloons and walk-on-clouds spells. Being able to visit her with the mare she loved in tow, no spells required, was a double-extra bonus.
"Oh my goodness!" Celestia exclaimed as they entered the expansive cloud mansion. "Is that a signed original Wind Rider portrait?"
Rainbow's eyes lit up with joy as she flew over to the framed print. "Wow, you know Wind Rider? I mean, yeah, I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, but I didn't think you were a big fan of the Wonderbolts, Princess!"
Celestia grinned. "Why, Rainbow Dash, I have always been a big fan of the Wonderbolts. The flying, the stats, the personalities, the sordid behind-the-scene affairs... And of course, I have always especially loved--"
"The Icaranean Sun Salutation!" they finished together. Both burst into laughter.
Twilight rubbed her hooves together. She'd never have expected Celestia to get on this well with Rainbow Dash, of all ponies! This had been a good plan, though one thing bothered her.
"Rainbow," she said once the laughter had died down, "wasn't Wind Rider kind of a jerk to you once upon a time?"
"Eh, yeah." Rainbow rubbed the back of her neck. "That's why I'm kinda trying to sell this."
"Oh, really?" Celestia asked, an eyebrow raised.
Shrugging, Rainbow said, "Yeah. Just haven't found anypony willing to fork over enough bits."
Celestia drew herself up to her full regal height. "Name your price."
Rainbow's eyes bugged out. She named a price. It was rather a lot of bits, but this was the Princess of Equestria Dash was dealing with. She didn't bat an eye.
Once again, Twilight congratulated herself on being such a good friend that she could bring these two ponies together in mutual fandom. They shook hooves, the bits were teleported in from the Canterlot treasury, and the picture was safely teleported back to Celestia's room.
"I am ever so glad I put in that good word for you with the Wonderbolts last year," Celestia said with a smile.
Rainbow cocked her head. "Good... word?"
"Oh, yes." Celestia nodded. "After seeing your troubles at the Grand Galloping Gala, and knowing how busy you were saving Equestria, I just couldn't stand seeing them overlook you. So I asked them to take pity on you. You are a skilled flyer, after all."
"Take pity..." Rainbow slowly sank to the floor.
Grinning, Celestia clapped her hooves. "And just look at where it's gotten us both! My collection is complete! Well, at least until Rainbow Dash becomes a profitable household name."
"Yeah..." Great tears tracked their way down Rainbow's cheeks.
Look at that, Twilight told herself, smiling up at Celestia. Tears of happiness.
I am such a great friend.
"...And there will be chiffon, oh so much chiffon! Seafoam green and mauve, to complement the cerulean mane ribbons..."
At Carousel Boutique, Rarity had launched into excited detail over a pair of dresses that would let Twilight and Celestia show off just how much they loved each other the moment they walked in. Twilight hadn't been able to follow everything -- she tended to nod off when Rarity went into fashion lecture mode -- but she was sure whatever it was, it would be lovely.
That was about the time Celestia exclaimed, "Oh! I'd nearly forgotten!" She produced a sheaf of papers and gave them to Rarity, which meant floating them in front of the unicorn's face until she stopped talking and noticed they were there.
"My word, what is this?" Rarity produced her reading glasses as she took the papers into her own magic.
"You did just open a new boutique in Canterlot, yes?" asked Celestia.
Rarity's lips moved as she read. Twilight thought she could make out a faint murmur. She tried not to pay attention to most of what Rarity said as a matter of course, though.
"Updated tax rules..." Rarity mumbled, pacing as she read through the papers. "Facade code violation... Riot fees... Register trademark for 'Canterlot Carousel'?" She flipped through to the final page and let loose a dramatic gasp. "That is a lot of zeroes!"
Tossing the papers into the air, Rarity dashed into the back area of her boutique, shouting about "Double Dipple Fudge Ripple". Twilight gave Celestia an apologetic look.
"Well, that was awkward."
"I take it back," Twilight said as they stood outside Fluttershy's cottage. "This is awkward."
The instant they had approached the place, they could hear Fluttershy making sad horse noises inside. They hadn't even knocked at the door. Sharing a glance, Twilight and Celestia slunk back down the path, saying nothing.
Anticipating some enormous party, Twilight was saving visiting Pinkie for last, which meant it was time to see her most stalwart -- which was a nice way of saying 'boring' -- of friends: Applejack. No doubt there would be no awkward or embarrassing moments this time, on account of Applejack's physical inability to cry externally.
"Well, howdy, Princesses!" she exclaimed when they arrived at Sweet Apple Acres. "Sure is an honor an' a pleasure t'see ya! Won'tcha'll c'mon along inside?"
No matter how many times she'd asked her not to, Applejack always called Twilight "Princess". She'd been annoyed by and even uncomfortable about it at first, but lately, she was actually starting to think it was kind of cute. It was always possible AJ constantly played up her station in the hopes that some of her good fortune might rub off, but Twilight preferred to think of her friends in more positive terms than that.
Obviously, Applejack had a royalty fetish.
Too bad for her, thought Twilight, grinning smugly. I'm taken, forever and ever, and she'll never have me. She gave a little chuckle as she and Celestia settled into couches in the Apple Family living room.
"What is amusing you, dear Twilight?" Celestia asked, a twinkle in her eye.
"Oh, just enjoying the company of a good friend and a better marefriend." Twilight wiggled her eyebrows at Celestia, who tittered.
"You always know exactly what to say, Twilight." She leaned over and placed a long kiss on Twilight's lips.
The tongue-wrestling would have lasted even longer had Applejack not cleared her throat and said, "How's about I go an' get us all some tea? I got a fresh batch I started just this mornin'!"
"Tea would be lovely," Celestia said, in that gentle, magnanimous way of hers. It was the deep, motherly voice that really drove Twilight mad.
By the time Applejack returned with the tea, Celestia had climbed atop Twilight on the couch and things were getting hot and heavy. They separated with an excess of blushing and embarrassed, if defiantly satisfied, smiles.
It was, Twilight told herself, merely a symptom of the flush of young, true love. With time, they would no doubt mellow a bit and have fewer of these outbursts. Not that she looked forward to that any less. Whether in the heat of passion or the calm, confident love of old age, she and Celestia would be together forever, through thick and thin, sickness and health, rich and considerably more rich.
Celestia spat a mouthful of tea all over Applejack.
That was odd, thought Twilight.
She hadn't even touched hers yet, so she couldn't imagine what might be wrong with it. She lifted her glass as Celestia wiped herself and Applejack off with her magic and peered at the beverage. It was a pleasant shade of autumnal brown, nothing out of the ordinary. A dozen or so small ice cubes floated in the tall, straight glass. It smelled of tea, with maybe a bit of mint and fruit: overall, pleasantly sweet.
"Again, Applejack, I deeply apologize," Celestia said, wringing the last of the tea from Applejack's hat. "That was terribly uncouth of me."
"It's all right, Your Highness," Applejack said patiently. "If ya don't mind me askin', though, what didn't you like about the tea?"
What indeed, Twilight had to wonder. It couldn't have been the sweetness. Celestia liked to cultivate the image of a true tea connoisseur, one who would never adulterate a drink so precious as tea with something so base and depraved as sugar. But, as Twilight also knew, Celestia had a tremendous sweet tooth and always used sugar when taking tea in private or with ponies as trusted as herself.
"Why is it cold?" Celestia blurted, seeming at once ashamed and earnest.
Applejack laughed and shook her head. "Ah, I get it. Shouldn't be too surprised. Beggin' yer pardon, Highness, but y'all're from northern Equestria, by which I mean anything north of the Ponyville Line."
She stood up straight, gazing off into the rafters as she placed her right hoof over her chest and recited as one might a pledge learned in elementary school.
"Keep them mem'ries close at hoof, and keep yer guns a-shine. Soon that blessed day will come: retake the Ponyville Line."
Applejack relaxed and smiled at them. "Anyway, as I was sayin', y'all ain't got much call for a real, good sweet brewed tea up thar. Prob'ly used to that warm, gritty stuff."
Celestia and Twilight merely exchanged looks. Twilight couldn't remember the last time she'd heard Applejack speak, let alone like this, and she couldn't believe what she was hearing! She could only shrug at Celestia and hoped this played out in her favor somehow.
"Now," Applejack continued, "it ain't my place t'be judgin' y'all fer not bein' raised right. I mean, can't help where yer born or nothin', Celestia bless."
Celestia's flinch went unnoticed by Applejack.
"Point is, Princess..." Applejack lifted the pitcher that held the rest of the 'tea'. "This here's a good 'n proper sweet iced tea. Ain't a lick o' crystallized sugar in the batch, on account of it uses a sugar syrup instead. That's how you make real tea." She set the pitcher down and closed her eyes, obviously pleased with herself.
"'Real' tea?" Celestia's eyelid twitched, and she sat forward in her seat. Twilight swallowed. "Real tea, Applejack?" Celestia's teeth ground together and she stood suddenly, wings flaring.
"How dare you commit such heresy in my house! On the day of my daughter's wedding!"
Applejack, hat clutched against her chest, moved backward until her rump hit the far wall. "Uh, actually, Yer Highness, this is my house--"
"Silence!" Celestia's eyes flared white. "You speak of propriety, yet when it comes to tea, you know nothing! I may not be Equestria's greatest tea snob, but even I know that tea should never be served cold! Coldness is a sign the tea is no longer fit for consumption!"
No wonder they send it downriver to the yokels south of the Line, Twilight thought.
Celestia stalked up to Applejack until her sun-flare gaze bored straight into the earth pony's head. Sweat rolled down Applejack's face, the droplets occasionally evaporating.
"How about a demonstration, Jacqueline of the Apples?" Celestia's voice was low and dangerous, that of a sovereign monarch facing down the dragon who threatened the sanctity and safety of her kingdom and subjects. "Shall I turn up the heat so that you at last understand the true, glorious power of properly hot tea?"
Applejack swallowed. "Uh, no, uh, I think I'll be just fine!"
Celestia reared back, her mane taking on a sun-orange hue. The temperature in the room spiked. When Celestia spoke, it was with the voice of the True Goddess of the Sun, and it kind of turned Twilight on. No, scratch that, it definitely turned Twilight on.
"I, Celestia, Sol Invicta, Princess of Equestria, Dame of Everfree Province, Bringer of the Sun, Sovereign of the Day, The Light Upon the Mountain, shall not allow this transgression to pass!"
Celestia roared, and a column of fire erupted from the tea pitcher. It was hot enough to reduce the liquid tea to ash, to say nothing of turning the pitcher into a small puddle of molten slag. Also, it burned a hole through the ceiling, and after a few moments, a green head poked through from above.
"If y'all're gonna fight, you'd best move it outside pronto!" she screeched. "I ain't afraid t' tan yer hides just cuz yer princesses!"
Celestia, still mostly on fire, cleared her throat. "Sorry, Granny Smith." She teleported herself, Twilight, Applejack, and the rest of the iced tea out into the fields, whereupon she let loose another blast of flame that evaporated the rest of the drinks and wilted the leaves on nearby apple trees.
Applejack ducked, clamping her hat down over her ears, and ran-slash-stumbled to Twilight.
"Twi, help! Do somethin'! She's a-crispin' up mah Crispins!"
Twilight had to admit, the scent of baked apples in the air was delightful. But her friend needed her; it was time to be a Princess of Action.
"I can only think of one thing that will stop her," Twilight said, all seriousness. "Give me a bottle of your best hard cider."
Applejack gawked. "Twilight! This ain't th' time t'be drinkin'!"
"On the contrary!" Twilight teleported a bottle from the Apples' 'secret' supply. "This is precisely the time to be drinking!"
Uncorking the bottle, she upended it over her mouth and drained the whole thing in a matter of moments. Applejack's eyes grew wider with each of Twilight's gulps of the sweet, sweet burn. Her lips left the bottle mouth with a loud pop and she tossed it away.
"Twi..." Applejack worried her lower lip. "I didn't know ya had it in ya. I can't deny I'm kinda turned on right now."
"Pretty hot, right?" Twilight gave her a big wink, then loosed a loud belch and staggered to the side. "Whoo, that was good stuff!"
Applejack sniffed back a tear. "Much as I'd love to have a hard-drinkin' mare like yerself all for mah own... Go get 'er, Twi!" She slapped Twilight on the flank, which just meant that Twilight tipped all the way over.
She rolled to her hooves in one smooth motion, shouting, "Now I just need a knife!" Her horn flickered a few times as she summoned a toothbrush, a book, a pair of fuzzy slippers and Big Macintosh from the house before finally coming upon what she was looking for.
"Ee-what?"
Applejack gasped. "That there's mah good huntin' knife!"
Twilight sniffed. "Not no more!" Then she teleported over to where Celestia was laying fallow the crops, bellowing, "It's naptime!"
Celestia turned just in time to see Twilight's first strike. Her blazing eyes widened, and she ducked. Twilight laughed madly as Celestia conjured a sword of pure sunlight and met Twilight head-on for the next swing. The blades sparked against one another.
"Twilight, what is going on?" Some semblance of sanity seemed to sneak its way back into Celestia's eyes.
"I know you get cranky when you don't have your tea," Twilight began. She launched into a terrifying flurry of blows, pressing Celestia backward. All the while, Celestia's searing flames died out one by one. It didn't change the fact that most of the east field of Sweet Apple Acres was now a charred ruin, but priorities.
Twilight pressed her advantage, using overhead slashes to keep Celestia on her guard. Celestia was able to parry each of Twilight's blows, but seemed otherwise reluctant to attack in turn. With a wide horizontal swing, Twilight spun behind Celestia, who blasted her with a sharp blow of telekinesis before teleporting to the side.
Twilight cackled and licked the blunt side of her knife. Err, the knife she had borrowed from Applejack.
"So I thought I'd give you a time out!"
Celestia regarded her with shock and worry. "Why did you come at me drunk and with a hunting knife?"
Teleporting in close, Twilight hacked at Celestia's sun-blade, tongue lolling out the side of her mouth. Celestia backed up once more until her rump was pressed against an un-scorched apple tree. Twilight swung high, drawing the sword up, then swept low with her front hooves, taking Celestia's legs out from under her.
With a whoop, the Sun Princess toppled to the ground. Twilight was behind her in an instant, one hoof around her neck, muzzle pressed against her ear.
"'Cuz I'm a mean drunk."
They both stayed like that for a long moment, just catching their breaths. Then Celestia started to laugh quietly.
"All right," she whispered, "I think I've had enough. But we are definitely trying this position tonight."
"Only if you use the Goddess voice." Twilight kissed her on the temple and let her up. "Now, go apologize to my friend for burning her stuff." She swatted Celestia on the rump and snickered when her marefriend whooped and stumbled off.
"It's good being the Princess of Friendship," Twilight said to herself.
After some time, they all piled back into the farmhouse, where Celestia stood before Applejack, head low.
"I would like to apologize," Celestia said, slowly and somberly, "for the way I have behaved this afternoon, Applejack. I have grossly overreacted to what should have been a simple misunderstanding. Rest assured, along with my personal apology, the crown will pay for all damages I have caused."
"Aw, shucks," said Applejack, looking at the floor. "'Tweren't nothin', Princess. Why, all that fire's good for the trees, just like vampire fruit bats! Cleans 'em out an' everythin'!"
Twilight gave her the best raised eyebrow she could, considering the room had begun spinning a while ago and not really let up. "Isss good fer da treezes?"
"Everything's good for the trees," Applejack said coldly. Then, brightening, she continued, "'Sides, once the South rises again, we won't need yer hoity-toity pity money. But it sure is appreciated, nevertheless."
Celestia took a step forward, expectant. After a moment, Applejack smiled, reached up, and hugged her. Twilight let that go on for about five seconds before zipping forward and interceding.
"Okay, okay, enough o' dat." She hiccuped. "I think we gossa porty or summin' t' go tooooo..."
"That sounds like a wonderful idea, Twilight," Celestia said with a smile.
"'Sorry the Princess Made You Cry'?"
Twilight hiccuped. When there weren't two or more banners hanging across the main room of Sugarcube Corner, she could swear it did not, in fact, say 'Congrats on Becoming a Couple' or something similar.
"Just what kinna party izzis, huh?" She staggered over to Pinkie Pie and poked her in the chest, while Celestia watched from the doorway, quiet. "Yer s'posed ta cellerbate me dateratin' with the princess! I may be drunk, but even I knows tha's a funny way to spell that!"
"Um," said Pinkie, looking at her other friends for help. Rainbow Dash lay in a puddle of her own tears. Mascara tracked down from Rarity's eyes. Fluttershy was not present, which Twilight took as proof she and Celestia were not, in fact, to blame for any of this.
Pinkie shrugged. "We couldn't fit it all in?"
"Where did I go wrong?" Luna wailed, tossing the empty carton of Double Dipple Fudge Ripple into the corner. It landed on a pile composed of fifteen more ice cream cartons, each a different flavor.
She rolled onto her stomach, sniffling pitifully and studying the pattern on her bedsheets with a pout. "It was supposed to be the perfect match! The culmination of a love true, pure and long held silent! So why do I feel as though I have unleashed a monster upon Equestria?"
She devolved into a fresh bout of tears as Discord materialized beside her. He grimaced, but detached his arm and held it out to pat her on the shoulder.
"There, there," he said, unsure of what else to say. "Surely it isn't all bad."
Luna conjured a handkerchief with a night sky pattern and blew her nose. "My sister burnt down half an apple orchard," she said through sobs. "Over tea."
"Oh?" Discord scratched his back with his disembodied arm. "I thought fire was good for apple trees. Cuts back the chaff or something. An orchard needs to be burnt down once a year or so, right?"
Luna sniffed. "You are thinking of prairies."
Discord reattached his arm so he could shrug. "Well, so what? A few burnt trees aren't worth crying over! What is it that really has the ever-stoic Princess of the Night so upset?"
Luna turned tear-brimmed eyes to Discord, who reflexively conjured an umbrella hat on his head.
"I'm afraid we'll have to get married!" she wailed, clutching him around the middle and sobbing into his chest-ish area.
After a moment, Discord was crying, too, holding Luna tightly. They sobbed and moaned for what seemed like hours until Discord finally stopped.
"Wait a minute." He reached his hand back, conjured a large fish, and slapped Luna across the face with it.
She reeled back, stunned, but no longer crying.
"Why do we have to get married?" he shouted. "We haven't even been seeing each other for over a thousand years!"
Luna sniffled. "With Twilight and Celestia a couple, and Miamore Cadenza happily married, there are no other immortals for us to be with but each other. Ponies will demand it!"
Discord wrinkled his nose. "Can they do that?"
"Yes." Luna nodded.
"And there really is no one else?"
"Tirek is in Tartarus," Luna said with a shake of her head. "Sombra is dead. Flurry Heart is just a child."
Discord tapped a claw against his chin. "What about that changeling queen. Chrysoberyl, was it?"
Luna made a face. "Please. Only desperate, half-crazed, emotionally stunted reprobates of the lowest, most loathsome caliber would be attracted to something like that."
"I resemble that remark," Discord said, a fedora appearing on his head. "But why would the thought of marrying a wondrous specimen like myself, consensually or otherwise, ever put you in such a state as this?"
Luna scowled. "I, too, remember when we were going out a thousand years ago."
Discord scoffed. "Oh, come now, surely I wasn't that bad!"
Luna tossed a pillow at his head. "You used me for a rebound after my sister dumped you!"
The pillow turned into confetti and popcorn. "I recall a night spent lighting a lamp or two in your tower." With a grin, Discord changed into a tricorn hat and double-breasted coat, a lantern hanging from his hand. "Followed by shouting through the town, 'The Princess is coming! The Pri--'"
A thin line of black smoke sealed around his mouth as Luna glared at him. "You do not get to speak anymore."
With a flat look, Discord removed his muzzle, setting it aside. A pair of bloated, fleshy lips appeared behind it on his flattened face.
"Buh whuh cah we duh?" he asked, spittle flying from his lips.
Luna pondered this for a while, straightening her bed sheets and cleaning up the ice cream cartons. Finally, with a resolute breath, she said, "There is only one thing to be done. What has been shipped..."
Her eyes flashed with lightning, revealing slightly draconic pupils. Discord reeled back, loosing a scream as sour milk drained from his eye sockets. Luna grinned, baring wicked fangs.
"Can be unshipped!"
Author's Note
Dun-dun-dunnn! To be continued! Author's notes.
Thanks to Petrichord, Syeekoh, Flutterpriest and FloydienSlip for feedback!
