Make Equestria Great Again

by Jackalopes

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Other, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2952

Celestia runs for Princess. It does not go well.

Equestria has switched to a democratic system, and Celestia must now run for Princess. Not a problem, right? After all, ponies have let her lead for years with no complaint, she's bound to clinch the win!

That is, of course, if her views match those of the Equestrian public.

(I deeply apologise for how OOC everyone is in this fic, I am not a good author and this is primarily a joke anyways)

Published 2016-09-01 16:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-01 16:20:01 UTC

Chapter 1

“Five minutes ‘til you’re on, Celestia.”

At her vanity in a backstage dressing room, Celestia acknowledged her assistant with a dismissive wave of her hoof, “Yes Raven, I know. Thank you.” She returned to brushing her mane in the mirror, cursing how its magical flow caused it to tangle. Giving up, she grabbed a can of hairspray, liberally coating her mane and slicking it down.

Coughing through the clouds of sticky spray, Raven approached the once-Princess, “Remember, the public already loves you. Just because we’ve switched to a democratic system, that doesn’t mean you won’t still be in charge, ponies are bound to put you back in the lead. Just don’t say anything... Controversial.”

Celestia scowled at the mention of democracy. Ever since Twilight had visited the human world, where they voted for their formal’s “princesses,” she had insisted Equestria do the same. While Celestia may have managed to crush the idea if Twilight alone supported it, word got out the the Equestrian public, and the demand for a democratic election soared.

“What exactly is controversial these days?” she asked Raven, tightening a pink bowtie around her neck, “Are ponies still bickering over gay marriage? Is that a thing?”

“Actually, that was legalised two hundred and forty years ago.” Raven glared at her, “By you.”

Celestia scoffed, “Oh, you can’t expect me to remember every little thing I’ve legalised! I sign hundreds of forms a day, do you really think I have time to read all of them?”

Raven hid her face behind her hoof, “Maybe don’t admit to that, I’m not sure that’s a good thing.” She smiled weakly at the Princess, “Just, uh... Be yourself?”

“Got it.” Celestia nodded, standing up from her vanity, “Be myself. Ponies have loved me for centuries, if I just answer everything honestly I can’t lose.”

With that, she marched out the door, leaving the nervous Raven behind. The unicorn mare sighed; she could only hope Celestia’s views matched up with those of modern ponies.

Outside Canterlot Castle, a single podium had been set up for Celestia, surrounded by a metal barrier to keep press ponies back. She exited the castle doors and was immediately greeted by the flashes of cameras, no doubt the reporters trying to get pictures for tomorrow’s issue of Canterlot Daily. Having spent years in the public eye, Celestia flashed them a smile, walking slowly to the podium to allow everyone to get a good shot.

As the flashes and chatter slowly died down, Celestia cleared her throat, and spoke proudly into the microphone, “My beloved ponies, I am pleased to announce that I am running for the position of Princess of Equestria.” After pausing to let the ponies cheer, she added, “If there are any questions, I will be happy to answer them now.”

From the eager crowd of reporters, Celestia picked on a young Earth pony colt, who wasted no time in snapping more photos, “I’m Shady Daze with the Foal Free Press. What’s your opinion on the Zecora drug scandal?”

Startled, Celestia took a moment to compose herself. She hadn’t expected any serious questions, let alone from such a young pony, but there was no way out of it now. She’d seen a little of the Zecora case on television. Something about a zebra mare being caught with illegal drugs, and being at risk of deportation? She decided just to wing it.

“I’m of the opinion that lawbreakers are not welcome in Equestria. If a foreigner wants to come here and disrespect our laws and our way of life, then they should be sent right back where they come from!” Celestia smiled, sure she’d given the right answer, until she saw the blank and confused stares of the crowd.

Was that not what they wanted to hear? The silence was becoming unbearable, not even the pushy reporters had anything to say. No worries, she could fix this, all she needed to do was explain her position. They’d understand then.

Taking a calming breath, Celestia continued, "You see, when the Zebra Republic sends its zebras, they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending mares and stallions like you, they’re sending zebras that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with them. They’re bringing Poison Joke. They’re bringing crime. Hay, some of them are probably Changelings...” And to make sure she didn’t lose the zebra vote, “Some, I assume, are good zebras. There’s just a lot more bad zebras ruining things for the rest of them."

Shady Daze raised an eyebrow in confusion, “I was asking for your opinion on the Zecora case? Where those Ponyville police officers were caught planting illegal drugs on minorities to get them arrested?”

“Oh. Right.” Celestia laughed nervously, screaming internally at her decision to remove newspaper reading from her daily routine give herself a longer lie-in. “My apologies. I’ve lived through a lot of scandals in my life, I must have... Remembered the wrong one.” Wiping the sweat from her brow, she said confidently, “Corrupt police officers are not acceptable in Equestria. I will personally ensure the ponies involved are dealt with.”

Seemingly pleased with that explanation, the crowd went back to fighting for attention. Perhaps a young pony had been a bad choice, the fillies and colts of today were too liberal. Spotting an elderly pegasus mare waving her hoof, she called on the pony, hoping the next question would go better.

One of the reporters offered the mare a microphone, which she gratefully accepted, “Where do you stand on the legalisation of pony-donkey marriage?”

Ah, hay. Public opinion of zebras had improved, but were donkeys as well-liked? Celestia decided to assume they were. She beamed at the pegasus, “I love donkeys as much as the next mare, and have plenty of donkey friends that have chosen to love ponies. I completely support the legalisation of marriage between all equines, and will fight to make sure everypony is free to marry whoever they want.”

The crowd cheered, causing Celestia’s grin to widen. Ponies clearly loved the whole inter-equine relations thing. Well, if that’s what it takes to get votes, why stop there? “And, of course, I will make it easier for mixed-equine couples to adopt foals! Soon, no deserving parents will be deprived of the chance to give needy children a new family.”

A roar of approval came from the crowd, the zebra incident apparently forgotten, press ponies rushing off to send telegrams to their bosses with sensational headlines about Celestia’s pro-love message. As long as the zebra misunderstanding wasn’t reported, no one outside of this event would ever know about it, and public opinion could be quickly swayed in the Alicorn’s favour. Maybe joking around with the crowd would help push a friendly, approachable image?

“Yes, I will ensure all kinds of mixed-equine couples have the right to adopt foals! After all, we don’t want to encourage them to breed, do we?” Celestia laughed. She was the only one, the chattering crowd falling quiet, as if hoping they hadn’t heard her quite right.

The pegasus mare was quick to speak up, “Are you trying to say that you don’t support the right of consenting couples to have their own children?”

Buck. When she put it like that, it almost sounded bad. Panicking, Celestia hurried to cover her back, “Well, I mean, it’s a, uh, difficult subject! You know, I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be mules, but I am a traditionalist at heart. I mean, after all, if nature wanted hybrids to exist, they’d be able to reproduce! Right?” She chuckled weakly.

“Well, I never.” The elderly mare spat, “Big talk about respecting nature from the mare who moves the Sun with magic. My son is a mule, and he’s an upstanding citizen, a shining example for all equines. If he’s not natural, then I don’t think I care for nature any more.”

Celestia was nearly deafened by the cheers from the crowd, supporting the old mare. Things were going south again, and fast. Among the passionate supporters of the pegasus, Celestia could hear insults being hurled her way.

“Look, the Alicorn’s going to preach to us about respecting nature! Pretty rich coming from the Unicorn-Pegasus hybrid.”

“Yeah, Sun-bucker! What’s so natural about you?!”

“I bet she wasn’t even born in Equestria! Why else would there be so few of her kind?”

Over the squabbling ponies, an announcement for a five-minute break sounded, and the crowd wasted no time dispersing, no doubt taking the time to contact publishers with tomorrow’s biggest news story. Celestia didn’t need to be told twice, sprinting back inside the castle to her dressing room.

Mentally exhausted, she flopped down at her vanity, examining her tired face in the mirror. She was wondering if levitating the vanity and dropping it on herself would be enough to kill her when Raven stormed into the room.

“What in the hay were you doing out there?! Literally the only thing I told you to do was NOT be controversial!” The unicorn mare pulled at her own mane, “Those views are archaic! Only the tiniest percent of Equestria thinks like that, you’ll never win the election acting like this!”

“What can I do?” Celestia whined, “Nothing will be enough to save my reputation after this!”

Raven sighed, staring up at the ceiling as if it may offer answers. Unsurprisingly, it did not, but Raven had a sudden flash of inspiration anyway. She jumped up, eagerly trotting to Celestia’s side, “I’ve got it! The Elements of Harmony!”

Suspicious, Celestia looked up at her assistant, “What about them?”

“Everyone loves those ponies! Princess Twilight and her friends couldn’t be any more popular right now. I’ll hide in the crowd, and feed you a question about them. You’ve just got to give them a glowing review!”

Realising Raven was right, and that the plan just might work, Celestia leapt up from her seat, “Of course! I should’ve been backing them since the very beginning, they’ll guarantee me a win!”

A new announcement was heard, calling for the return of ponies to the press area. Newly inspired, Celestia bolted from the castle, before idling outside until she saw Raven enter the crowd. Assistant in place, the mare once more took her place behind the podium.

The flurry of questions screamed by the crowd were unbearable, most ponies demanding to see her birth certificate and asking if she was a hybrid herself. She tried to tune it out, the only thing that was important now was the Elements. Pointing out Raven, she called, “Young mare, do you have a question for me?”

Mane brushed low to hide her face, and a cape covering her cutie marks, Raven was (she hoped) unrecognisable as Celestia’s aide. Nervously, she stammered out the planted question, “Will the Elements of Harmony have an important role in your reign?”

“Oh, of course!” Celestia assured, “I don’t know where Equestria would be without them. They’ll certainly be close at hoof whenever there’s an important decision to be made.”

A tan unicorn mare with a slick black mane waved her hoof wildly, vying for attention among the crowd. Celestia decided to call on her, and the mare wasted no time pushing to the front of the horde, shoving a microphone in Celestia’s face, “Nosey News with Canterlot Daily, what is your personal relationship with the Elements of Harmony?”

“We’re all very close, very good friends.” Approving chatter was heard from the ponies, and Celestia figure if they were even closer, they’d like her even more! “Yes, we get along very well, to the point where all of the mares in the Elements of Harmony flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected, though, after all I am a very important pony.”

Press ponies scrambled to get closer to Celestia, dying to ask more about this new scandal, but Nosey beat them to it, “Are you trying to say that all of the members of the Elements are lesbians? Including the Princess of Friendship, Twilight Sparkle?”

“Yes.” Celestia said confidently, until she noticed that Raven looked about ready to faint, “Well, I mean, most of them. A few are probably bisexual, Rarity definitely is. I do believe Twilight is a lesbian though, yes, quite certain.” She grinned at Raven to celebrate her excellent save, but spotted her fleeing the crowd.

Her attention was quickly drawn back to her audience, now eager to hear more, “How do you know this?!” A pushy earth pony reporter hollered, “We need answers!”

The crowd went wild, prompting Celestia to continue her baseless rambling, “Well, Twilight was raised in my boarding school, and I personally taught her for much of her life. I’ve known her for almost all her life, and I think it’s quite obvious that she prefers fillies.”

The news was met with despair from many of the crowd’s stallions, and glee from a handful of mares. Clearly, Twilight was as well-loved as Raven had told her. Celestia decided she’d better make it clear that she loves Twilight, too. “It’s quite a shame, really,” she said, “that teacher-student relationships are so taboo, since she is such a fine mare. If Twilight weren’t my student, perhaps I’d be dating her.”

Reporters scattered from the crowd, desperate to make sure their paper was the first to report on Celestia’s secret lesbian love scandal. The few ponies that remained begged for more information, dying to hear more of the juicy details. Celestia decided to quit while she was ahead.

“I think that’s enough questions for today, thank you.” She smiled at the crowd one last time before stepping down from the podium, smugly strutting back to the castle. She’d no doubt won over the public now.

“CELESTIA OUTS EoH IN LESBIAN LOVE DRAMA”

‘“I AM NOT GAY’ TWILIGHT TAKES A STAND IN TEACHER-STUDENT SCANDAL”

“‘SHE CALLED MY SON UNNATURAL!’ MOTHER OF MULE INSULTED AT PRESS CONFERENCE”

“LUNA TAKES STRONG LEAD, PROMISES ‘MORE RIGHTS FOR HYBRIDS AND MINORITIES’”

“I don’t want to see any more of these,” Celestia groaned, pushing the offending newspapers away, “I can’t believe ponies don’t want me to lead them any more.”

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t have told them that you hate hybrids and that you would have an intimate relationship with your student.” Raven tutted, tossing more magazines onto Celestia’s vanity, “Certainly not the mule thing, at least. Everypony’s been very pro-hybrid since Rarity announced she and Spike are expecting.”

Celestia scoffed, “I still think a pony can’t even concieve with a dragon. That foal is somepony else’s, just you wait and see. I’ve got a better chance of winning than that foal does of being half-dragon.”

Waving a copy of Crystal Weekly, Raven replied, “Well, at least you’re not Shining Armor. You know how the Crystal Empire has been supporting the re-introduction of Changelings into Equestria? Shining’s speech was all about how he’s going to build a wall around the Changeling homeland, and make Queen Chrysalis pay for it.” She shook her head sadly, “Apparently he’s got no chance, which is kind of a problem since he was running unopposed. Guess the crystal ponies will have to fend for themselves for four years.”

Flicking through the pages of a glossy gossip magazine, Celestia glared at a photo of Luna holding a donkra foal, kissing the baby on the forehead, “I can’t believe my sister is going to beat me.” She looked pleadingly to Raven, “Is there nothing we can do?”

Raven lowered the new issue of Playcolt (whose top story promised “All the hot details of the Celestia Student Scandal,” above a crudely doctored image of Celestia and Twilight kissing), tapping a hoof to her chin thoughtfully, “Well, we could always spread a ludicrous rumour about her.”

“Would it hurt her chances?”

The unicorn shrugged, “Not enough for you to win, but it’ll probably still make you feel better.”

Celestia considered the suggestion, “What would we say about her, then?”

“We could accuse her of becoming Nightmare Moon again?”

“No, no, nobody will buy that.” Celestia waved off the suggestion, “Nightmare Moon is old news, everyone’s forgiven her for it by now. What else?”

“Hm... Well, they never did catch the Constellation Killer, we could say it was her?”

“The Constellation Killer was only active while Luna was on the moon, though.”

Raven raised an eyebrow, “Have conspiracy theorists ever cared about stuff like that?”

“...Fair enough.” Celestia admitted, “Make sure at least one halfway-respectable newspaper publishes the story tomorrow morning. Bribe them if you need to.”

A curt nod, and Raven trotted from the room, wondering how many bits it would take to get such a story published in Canterlot Daily, leaving Celestia to wallow in self pity and newspapers. The alicorn mare sighed, resigning herself to the fact that she wasn’t going to win.

At least, not this time. Perhaps, she thought, this would be a blessing in disguise. She smiled. Now she had four long years to prepare, and come up with the perfect plan to win over the Equestrian public.

Whatever it took, she would make Equestria great again.

Author's Note

Hopefully this was at least vaguely entertaining! I would credit my friend here for her ideas, but I don't know if she wants to be associated with this trash XD It's not proofread, so if there's any errors let me know in a comment and I'll fix it.

Fun fact: All the named ponies (Raven, Shady Daze, and Nosey News) are actual canon characters, and the papers the latter two write for are canon as well! According to the MLP wikia, anyways.

Thanks for taking the time to read!