Daring Do and the Journey to the Center of the Earth

by insaneponyauthor

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure, Maud Pie, Pinkie Pie, Daring Do, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy, Gummy
Length: 22589

Daring Do and Maud Pie go on an epic, incoherent quest beneath the Earth's surface to rescue Pinkie Pie's soul.

Daring Do is seeking the underground City of the Talking Dogs. Maud Pie is hunting a talking dog who stole her sister's soul. Naturally, they cross paths and decide to team up.

A bewildering array of villains stand against them: Diamond Dogs, magma dinosaurs, gun-wielding apes, time travelers, an army of bat ponies and lizard ponies, a council of interdimensional evil, and a possessed crown. But those villains are about to learn the hard way that no force on Earth—or under it—can stop the dynamic duo of Maud Pie and Daring Do.

"Much like its heroines, this fic sinks to depths I never imagined were possible. 0/10"
—Quibble Pants

Update: By popular demand, we've divided this story into three chapters.

This is set in the same 'verse as our prior stories. Some parts will make more sense if you've read those other stories. Other parts will make less sense if you've read those other stories. Some parts won't make sense, no matter what you do. Because this is an exquisite corpse.

Cover art by EpicBleye, with slight touchups by Meta Four.

Published 2016-09-01 03:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-02 01:43:03 UTC

Daring and Maud's Subterranean Adventure

It was a typically gray day at the Pie family’s rock farm, with Pinkie Pie’s pink coat and mane standing out as a distinct splash of color. She had come for a visit to see Maud, who was on summer vacation from the school where she was studying to get her Rocktorate. Pinkie was eagerly bouncing around, on a quest to find where Boulder was hiding, a game she and Maud had often played when they were young fillies. Pinkie went to look inside the tool shed, and was surprised when a small, wet tongue licked her in the face!

“A puppy! How did a puppy get in here?! It’s so cute!” she squealed excitedly, seeing that what had licked her was a very small, fluffy and poofy orange dog. It had little triangular ears that pricked up, and its plume-like tail curled over its back.

“I like to explore, and thought this place might have food. I smell something very sweet about you,” the little dog said.

“WOW!! A talking dog! Are you from that human world Twilight visited? I heard Spike turned into a talking dog there,” Pinkie remembered.

“What’s a human? Is it fun to sniff?” the dog asked innocently. Pinkie suddenly gasped excitedly.

“I got a great idea! Come meet my sister Maud! You can join our game and then you’ll have something fun to sniff for!” Pinkie burst out. She ran off back to where Maud was waiting, methodically examining a pile of rocks that would look identical to the untrained eye.

“Try again. Boulder isn’t in the tool shed,” Maud said in her monotonous voice.

“No, but I found a TALKING DOG in there! The dog can help play too, it could sniff for Boulder! Fluttershy told me dogs have an amazing sense of smell,” Pinkie gushed.

“Sure, I can play with you. By the way, my name is Blossom. It says so on my collar,” the dog said, coming up behind Pinkie, who then noticed that Blossom was, in fact, wearing a collar that had a nametag dangling from it.

“Okie dokie lokie, Blossom! Would you like to help sniff for my sister Maud’s pet rock, Boulder?” Pinkie asked.

“Sure. Just let me give you another kiss first,” Blossom requested, prancing over to Pinkie and staring right up into her face. Behind Pinkie, Maud’s eyes widened very slightly as she realized that her Maud Sense was telling her there was something very wrong about this dog. Unfortunately, when Pinkie bent down to let Blossom kiss her, Blossom did something completely different. Instead of licking the pink pony’s face, she opened her mouth as if she was yawning, and what looked like glittering pink smoke came out of Pinkie’s head and was sucked into Blossom’s mouth. Pinkie collapsed to the ground, her mane straight and deflated, her blue eyes blank and unseeing.

“What did you do to Pinkie?” Maud challenged, her usually stoic tone having a slight edge to it.

“I didn’t do anything to her. Not her body, at least. Her soul was delicious, though,” the dog said, her cute and innocent tone and puppy face contrasting with what she was saying.

“Give my sister her soul back,” Maud demanded, in that same dull but slightly stern tone, stepping forward.

“You’ll have to catch me first!” Blossom taunted, and then she dashed off away from the rock farm, faster than any normal dog could run. Maud followed her anyway, realizing that Blossom was heading for the rocky hills where she and her sisters had mined some of the most fascinating metamorphic and igneous rocks. However, Maud first made sure that Boulder was safe in her pocket. He might be lonely without her, and he might be able to help, she thought.

Meanwhile, while Maud was chasing Blossom, Daring Do was exploring the mountainous area near the rock farm. She had been curious about the rumors she had heard about the fabled “City of the Talking Dogs”, which was supposed to be at the center of the Earth. Supposedly, this mysterious canine city also had a connection to the Diamond Dogs as well. As she inspected the area, she came across what looked like a set of shapes carved into a flat rock that looked like dog paw marks. She looked around to see if there were any other rocks with paw marks carved in them, and then she saw what looked like a dog of the Poneranian variety run by and disappear through what looked like solid rock. Daring Do approached the spot she had seen the dog disappear at, and when she touched her hoof to the rocky wall, it went through as if the rock wasn’t even there!

“Maybe this really will take me to the City of the Dogs,” she murmured to herself in wonder. She stuck her head through the illusory wall and saw that it had been concealing a tunnel that was lit up by a faint, eerie blue glow. True to her name, Daring Do stepped into the tunnel, determined to find out where the mysterious dog had gone to.

Back outside, Maud had seen both Blossom the soul-sucking Poneranian and Daring Do disappear into the rocky cliff. If she was going to get her sister’s soul back, she was going to have to continue to follow them. Maud approached the seemingly solid wall of rock, noticing that one spot was a very slightly more bluish shade of gray than the rest of the wall. That must be where that dog disappeared to, she thought to herself. Maud walked through the illusory wall and stepped into the tunnel. As she walked along the glowing blue tunnel, at first she thought it was made of fluorite, but then that made her realize that if it was fluorite, then there would need to be a source of ultraviolet light to make the rocks glow that shade of blue. She picked up a small rock that had fallen on the floor of the tunnel and examined it more closely. She was surprised to find that it did not look like any kind of rock she had ever seen before! Maud put the small rock in her other pocket and continued to head down the tunnel, in steady pursuit of the dog who had stolen Pinkie’s soul.

As Daring Do walked through the tunnel, she realized that she was not alone. She could hear footsteps that sounded more like they came from another pony’s hooves, separate from the soft tapping sound made by the little dog’s paws ahead of her. She stopped, internally debating with herself whether or not she should call out to whoever was behind her. If she called out, she could lose the advantage of stealth, but on the other hand, her own hoofsteps hadn’t been exactly quiet. With that realization, she decided that she’d rather confront whoever it was at this point, before they both were too far from the entrance of the mysterious tunnel.

“Who’s there?” she called out, her tone showing that she was willing to fight whoever it was, if needed.

“No worries, it’s just me” Maud replied.

“Oh, aren’t you one of Pinkie’s sisters? What are you doing here?”

Maud paused and pointed further into the tunnel before speaking again. “Some weird, talking dog stole Pinkie’s soul, so I went chasing it. I noticed it went the same way you were going, so I just followed behind.”

Daring gasped with an air of confusion. “I’ve heard rumors about an ancient city of dogs, but I had no idea they had such capabilities! Look, I know you wanna help your sis, but this will be a dangerous trek, so do you think you’re up for this task?”

Maud stared back at Daring Do with her usually stone cold face for a while before answering. “I’m ready as I’ll ever be, let’s find my sister.” she replied with a monotonous voice before running off deeper into the tunnel.

“... damn, I can’t read her emotions at all!” Daring said to herself before following Maud on their newfound adventure.

Meanwhile, below the shards of time, another meeting was taking place.

“I, Demigra, have asked you all to meet for a very important reason. It seems that in Puddinghead’s absence, the Time Patrol is closer to figuring out the location of our lair, so I sent an informant to retrieve her soul.”

Brando slammed his hands on the table in anger. “Lord Demigra, don’t you understand how powerful she’s become recently!?”

Demigra glanced at Brando in a smug manner. “Of course, her sporadic mannerisms could be our greatest downfall, that’s why I sent someone to steal only her soul. The soul is the source of anyone’s power, and it’s less messier than dealing with Puddinghead herself.”

Mane-iac raised her hoof, Demigra accepting her answer. “Lordship, don’t you think we should move from this area? Even though this dimension is outside of time itself, it hasn’t stopped the Time Patrollers from infiltrating before. I know we put up a barrier recently, but it might be best if we found a safer location. For example, where did you say this informant was from?”

Demigra took moment to remember before speaking. “Ah yes, the informant was a powerful wizard from an underground city under Equestria! She looked like a small puppy, but happened to be well over 200 years old, and I believe her name was… Blossom.”

Everyone at the round table was quiet for a good 5 minutes before the place erupted in laughter.

“SILENCE!!!” exclaimed the embarrassed Lord Demigra.

“We’re sorry lordship,” said Chrysalis, “it’s just that we didn’t think that you’d send such a tiny being to do the job. I mean, look at us! We have plenty of power between us to overwhelm Puddinghead!”

Demigra growled, “I understand that, but you all have to understand that we need to keep our cover from being blown. No one would ever suspect a puppy, even one as powerful as Blossom, to be connected to us. Though, we do need someone to be at the underground city to obtain the soul back. Towa, you’re pretty smart, I’ll elect you to go to the city to meet Blossom. Once you two meet at the city’s Capital, obtain Puddinghead’s soul when no one’s looking. Here’s 100,000 bits, this should be a good enough exchange for Blossom.”

“Thank you Lord Demigra.” replied Towa. “I’ll be back soon enough.”

Demigra got up from his throne and stretched. “Alright, meeting is adjourned, you all can go back to your timelines and universes. We’ll meet back again once Towa’s done with her mission.”

Everyone went back through their universe’s specific time shards, and Towa went to Equestria’s time shard, but Demigra stayed behind to make sure no one else was around.

“Hmm… I think everyone is gone now,” Demigra yelled into the void, “I think you should come out now!”

A short, grey blob being in a clashing outfit emerged from the darkness. “What do you want, Demigra?”

Demigra quickly bowed down in front of the blob person. “Oh great Demon God, I beseech to you, it might be time for your assistance.”

The Demon God looked on in confusion. “I was watching the whole time, it seemed you’ve got everything planned out, what help do you need from me?”

Demigra raised his head, wide-eyed and on the verge of tears. “Demon God, I have realized Puddinghead has friends, friends with connections… connections to the Time Patrol! I know very well Puddinghead doesn’t go by that name with her friends, in fact I’m pretty sure Puddinghead is the split personality of Ms. Pinkie Pie. If people find out Pinkie has been sucked of her soul, word will get out, and it might hit the Time Patrol quickly!”

“Demigra, dude, stop crying like baby and get up.” Demigra rose up and wiped his face off. “You don’t have to worry, if something goes awry, I’ll just teleport there and deal with it myself. I went undercover as a Time Patroller back in my youth, I know the ins and outs. I’ll make sure they don’t interfere with your plans.”

With a huge smile on his face, Demigra hugged the blob person. “Oh thank you, great Demon God!”

The person shoved Demigra away and dusted himself off. “And another thing, don’t call me ‘Demon God’, you can just call me by my birthname.”

“Ah, yes, I won’t fail you… Lord Dumplin.”

Maud and Daring Do had walked for hours upon hours, traversing the glowing caves, seeing no end in sight. “Hey, Maud, do you get the feeling we’ve been walking in circles?”

Looking around the caves, Maud replies with a simple shrug.

Walking a few more meters, Daring noticed something odd about the caves that she hadn’t before. “That’s weird, there seems to be cracks along these walls. Maud, you’re good with rocks, anything off about this?”

Maud glares at the cracks for a while before giving her hypothesis. “Judging by how large this crack is and how it seems to be in an arched formation, I think either we might be below a fault line, or…” Maud paused as she punched the wall open “this is a secret entrance.”

Daring’s jaw dropped as she saw how Maud effortlessly crushed the wall in one hit. “My Celestia, I had no idea you were this strong! How did you manage such a feat?”

Maud looked back at Daring, stone faced as ever. “Living on a rock farm for most of your life can do wonders to the mind and body. Now let’s go, we might be getting closer.” Daring Do nodded, and caught up with Maud. This new tunnel was much darker, and glowed a faint green color. Various noises could be heard in the distance, coming closer to the two.

The two stopped in place and readied themselves just in case a fight was about to break out. Oddly enough, the noises came from a yelling Skylark, who seemed to be running away from something. “GANGWAY, HE’S OUT TO GET ME!!!” Maud and Daring looked back at what Skylark was running from and saw Garter Briefs chasing after him.

Before he could pass them, Maud stopped the kid and called back Skylark. “Hey, what are you two doing here?”

Skylark was shaking as he was trying to explain everything. “I was babysitting young Garter here when he, for some odd reason, started using his wristwatch to mess with me! He was shooting lasers and turning the house inside out and all of a sudden, we ended up in this… place!”

Maud, with a calm sigh, snatched Garters watch. “Alright, you two have to come with us. It’s too dangerous for a kid and a Skylark to be venturing in a cave system by themselves.” Garter and Skylark nodded as they followed Maud and Daring Do on their quest.

Off in the distance, someone else seemed to be spying on the group, and quietly ran off before anyone could notice him.

Daring stopped to look back. The darkness of the archway was bare and silent. Looking at Maud, she was met with intense expressionless inquisition. "Uh, it's probably nothing."

"Okay," said the Skylark.

Maud and Daring turned to continue farther down the passage.

The skylark and Garter Briefs hurried after.

"Say," asked the skylark, "What are you doing down here?"

"Oh, us?" said Daring. "W--"

"A puppy stole my sister's soul." Intoned Maud.

"What?" asked the skylark.

They continued in silence for a while. The damp gently downward sloping cylindrical tunnel carried the echoes of their hoofsteps far.

"Well, it's a long story," said Daring Do.

Rough stones and occasional boulders littered the ground making hoofing difficult.

Their hoofsteps echoed through the tunnel.

"This passage is clearly Ponymade," said Daring. "These walls are clearly too smooth to be natural."

"Natural fissures are not shaped like this." Agreed Maud.

The tunnel seemed to go on forever. Only the drip drip of water droplets and the echoes of hooves broke the monotony.

"Hold," said Daring.

Maud looked back. Daring was removing a glow stick from her pack. The skylark stumbled into Maud and Garter Briefs tumbled into both. "What is it." Questioned Maud.

"Do you think someone is following us?" asked the skylark.

"No, nothing like that." Daring turned to the huge slab to the left side of the tunnel. "...'And the drugs were wearing off'..." She looked at Maud. "I think it's a prophetic tablet."

"Fascinating." Declared Maud. She walked up to it.

"Hmm, 'Mud pies and adventure will fall from the sky.' Hmm. 'Then pudding soul will power a device of doom.' No, that can't be right."

"Who wrote it." Questioned Maud.

Daring moved the glow stick to the bottom of the tablet. "Oh. That part's missing." She moved the glow stick back up the tablet. "'The pudding mix will go in a blender. A towel will doggedly fight for time. A black cloud of changes will cover the land. Then the god of zeppelins will'--no--'Lord of dumplings will come and fire will blast up from the ground.'"

"Haha! Is that weird or what?" Asked the skylark.

"We should go." Informed Maud.

"Hold, I want to take a rubbing."

"My sister's soul is not standing still." Provided Maud.

"This could be important." Daring Do set the glow stick on the ground.

Maud walked up to Daring as she pulled paper out of her pack. Eye to eye, Maud explained, "there is no such thing as prophecy."

Daring Do hesitated. "Uh, are you sure about that?"

"So uh, how important is this soul, anyway?" Asked the skylark.

Daring Do put the parchment away and continued down the tunnel. "Who am I do say no to a mare in distress?"

Garter Briefs caught up with Maud. "So, do you really not believe in Prophecy?"

Drip, drip.

"It is most likely a logical impossibility. It would violate the principle of free will." Exposited Maud.

Clop-clop-clop-clop. Daring's eyes wandered across several other large slabs sitting against the walls.

"Don't even think about it." Stated Maud.

"Well what if someone from the future went back in time and wrote the tablet?"

Maud turned to him and looked him in the eye and right through to his soul as she kept walking.

Garter became incredibly interested in the ground.

"You know, this reminds me of the time I went spelunking in Neckpoll," said Daring. "You would not believe the size of some of those sinkholes. One hundred stories deep. Right smack dab in the middle of lush, verdant jungle. Oh hey, a change of pace." The tunnel had levelled out. Up ahead, a staircase went up and opened in to a large, better lit, blue chamber.

"Do you ever feel like you are walking on air." Inquired Maud as she walked beside Daring.

Daring looked askance at Maud. "Uh, no? I cannot say that I ever have." A deafening crack shook the floor.

Then there was no floor. Everyone screamed as they fell. Except Maud.

Light flooded the world. Maud looked at Daring and arched a single eyebrow. "You are a pegasus."

Daring blushed. "Oh, right." Her words were sucked away by the raising volume of the wind.

She swam over and put both forelegs and both hindlegs around Maud's barrel. She flared her wings painfully. "Ugh!" Multiple times the force of gravity pulled down on both as Daring broke against the wind.

"Oops." Spoke Maud.

Daring looked down. A ways below, the tiny skylark was far less successfully fighting gravity as she clung to Garter Briefs' back.

Between the pairs, fell the ankle watch.

"The watch!" cried Garter. He began swimming toward it.

"What are you doing!" asked the skylark.

Garter grabbed the anklet and flourishingly pushed a button on it.

A loud bang echoed. The pair was gone. Instead, there was an ocean below.

A world spread out, like a photorealistic map, an ocean miles below, and what were either large islands or continents in the distance in every direction. The ceiling of the cavern reflected light like an overcast day. The walls could not be seen in the distance.

Daring Do looked up at the speck that was the hole in the ceiling. "Up or down?"

Maud also looked up. "Up." Chose Maud.

Sweat began drenching Daring's forehead. "You are too heavy. Down."

"Pinkie's soul is up there." Countered Maud.

"And we don't know where it's going. You are going down. I can go up if I drop you."

"Hmmm." Contemplated maud. "What do you think Boulder." Requested Maud into her rock pouch.

Above the hole in the sky a pair of glowing teal eyes looked down it. "Mistress Towa will not be happy." The eyes looked up. "The ambush is off!" The echo filled the tunnel.

A distant echo answered. "What should we do now?"

Another echo replied, "rendezvous at Dog City?"

A third echo followed, "um, how do we get there from here?"

The distant echo rejoined, "This place is a maze of twisty passages, all alike."

A shadow leapt across the hole. "Leave this to me. You lot couldn't navigate your way out of a paper bag." The loud echo faded rapidly. "The main access is two lefts and a right past the vending machine."

Many, many miles away, a narrow beam of light shot down from the ceiling and struck the heart of a mass of red roofed buildings. A cute little pink puppy stepped off the rune covered teleportation pad. She looked both ways across the busy market square and hurried across it. None of the diamond dogs took note of her trespass.

She ran through the busy streets and dodged into a back alley.

A cloaked stranger lifted her hood.

"You are not Mistress Demigra."

"No, I am her representative in this, Mistress Towa." She offered up a tiny bag to the cute pink puppy.

"We agreed to more than this."

"Look inside."

The puppy stuck her head into the bag's maw. "Oh, it is bigger on the inside." She look up, calm composure plain on her muzzle. She produced the soul jar, eyed the stranger, and tossed it over. "Our business is concluded." She turned to leave.

"It does not have to be. There are more bits where those came from, miss Blossom."

The drugs were beginning to wear off.

At least, they were for Briefs. While he rubbed the life back into his numb hindlegs, the skylark was busy rolling around on the floor, moaning pitifully. Time travel was a taxing means of moving around, especially under duress, and a little bit of pain relief went a long way. Unfortunately, administering it in proper doses was not the Time Anklet’s forte.

Briefs supposed one could only ask so much of a single device, particularly one that was able to travel through time and shoot lasers. Frankly, anything on top of that was a bit selfish. He suspected, however, that the skylark would disagree with him on that last point.

At any rate, the point was moot. The skylark was beginning to recover as well, her tiny eyes blinking rapidly in the gloom. “What?” she asked. “Where are the dogs? The turtles? The… clown with the fish and…” she shuffled her wings awkwardly.

“Gonna guess they went back into your head,” Briefs said. “You were probably just hallucinating from the painkillers.”

The skylark rubbed her head. “Painkillers?” she asked. “Why was I on painkillers?”

Briefs tapped his anklet. “Distracts your body from the fact that the taxi of your body just took a shortcut through the shopping mall of time. That won’t kill you, but it won’t be any fun either. Trust me.”

“...What?” The skylark asked. She looked around. “...This is a pretty crummy mall.”

“... Metaphor,” Briefs said. He rolled his eyes. “It was a metaphor. We’re not in a mall, we just travelled through time.”

The skylark looked him up and down and tittered. “I think you’re hallucinating,” she said.”

“No, re--you know what, nevermind. Let’s just say we teleported. We teleported to exactly where the world happened to be relative to us…” he checked the anklet, “0.27 seconds before we fell. Which, by my best guess, would put us two stories up and twenty meters back.”

The skylark did not seem any more convinced by this. Still, if one were to press her for comment they would that she could not, in fact, that they were two stories up and twenty meters back. Although she would note that they were, in fact, twenty-five feet back, but birds were good at that sort of thing so she didn’t expect Briefs to be exactly right. He had no chance to learn of her generosity, however, because someone else had already begun to speak.

The voice was muffled by feet of stone. It seemed to be coming from behind the wall, in what Briefs could only imagine was another tunnel. Its tone was low and droning, the sort of voice that is frequently attached to pioneers in the field of unintelligence. It asked, “What should we do now?”

Another voice, more distant but more keen, replied. “Rendezvous at Dog City?”

Briefs pressed himself against the wall as the conversation played out, listening carefully. The speakers were Diamond Dogs, that much was certain. Diamond Dogs squatting in an abandoned, underground pony city? Assuming it even was a pony city. After her translation of the ‘prophecy’, Briefs wouldn’t have trusted Daring Do farther than he could throw her. Although that was a significant distance, so he would have trusted her considerably less, in fact.

“Leave this to me,” a final voice said. It was mellow and confidant. Still a Diamond Dog, but clearly intelligent. Intelligent enough to dodge the blows to the head the Dogs handed out like candy, at any rate. “You lot couldn’t navigate your way out of a paper bag.” There was a great rumbling and thumping and slapping of limbs against stone as the voices began to run deeper into the tunnels. “The main access is lefts and a right past the vending machine.”

Briefs bolted after the Diamond Dogs, with the Skylark following in his wake. “Hey!” she chirped, “Where are you going?”

“Two lefts and a right past the vending machine,” he said, as much to himself as the Skylark.

“Wait, seriously?” The Skylark asked. “You’re following the Dogs?”

“You know another way out of here?” Brief asked over his shoulder. He did, of course. He had the universe’s own Way Out strapped to his wrist. He didn’t need to go out, however. He needed to find someone who could actually translate his mission orders properly. “Keep your voice down,” he added.

His pace slowed as he approached a corner, and he pressed his shoulder against it. The sound of the Diamond Dogs’ footsteps grew sharply louder, and a peek around the corner saw four burly brutes run past a doorway. “Faster!” their leader bellowed. “Mistress Towa needs to know those ponies are still after the pudding soul!”

Briefs blinked slowly. Alright. Maybe he didn’t need someone to properly translate his orders, but it would sure be nice to find someone who could confirm them.

One thousand miles below them (Although if The Skylark had been there she would have noted that it was in fact Nine Hundred and Eighty-Six feet), Maud and Daring Do crashed into the ocean.

It was a slow crash, almost casual; The Stephanie Meyers of crashes. Like all Stephanie Meyers of Things, however, for all its slowness it hit Daring Do like a slingstone to the kidney. She doubled over as she slapped against the surface. She had twisted her body in mid-fall to shield Maud, an action she deeply regretted in retrospect. Any pony who weighed as much as Maud had to be sturdy enough to handle a fall like that. Even Daring would have been fine, if she had not just spent the last five minutes struggling against gravity with the world’s densest pony in tow.

Fortunately, it seemed that Maud was in better shape. Daring Do felt a hoof wrap itself around her barrel, and all at once their was a great heaving and the roar of water rushing past her ears. In what seemed like no time at all Maud deposited Daring on the shore of a nearby island.

Daring Do rolled over onto her back, wheezing and choking for breath. Maud helpfully stepped her chest, pressing out a glassful of water and realigning several of Daring’s ribs.

“It would have been faster,” Maud said, “To drop me at one-hundred feet up, at a 30 degree angle. I would have survived the fall, and the angle would have carried me to the floor under the water. I’m a slow swimmer.”

“You’re welcome,” Daring Do grunted, struggling upright. “Next time I’m trying to save you from a thousand-foot drop, let me know when you’ll survive me abandoning you.”

“Alright,” Maud said. “Also, the drop was One Thousand and Two feet.”

Daring Do adjusted her expedition helmet and turned to face Maud, asking, “What?”

Maud, however, was not listening. She had begun to cross the beach, making for the vast and verdant jungle beyond. “Wh--hey, wait!” Daring Do said. “Where are you going?”

“Still to retrieve my Sister’s soul,” Maud said. Despite not emoting in the slightest, she managed to sound exasperated. “It won’t save itself. Probably. You never know with Pinkie.” She offered a glance over her shoulder and added, “Don’t worry. I’ll kill anything I find in the jungle so it doesn’t come after you while you’re recovering.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Daring Do said. She struggled to her hooves and tottered after Maud.

“I don’t think I’ll find enough to cause an ecological impact,” Maud said.

“I don’t care about that,” Daring said. “I wa--”

“You don’t?” Maud asked, blinking slowly.

Daring Do paused. “Well… well, no,” she said. “I car--”

“You’re not a very good archeologist, then,” Maud said.

For a moment Daring Do forgot what she was going to say, opting instead to stare at Maud until she figured out what part of her brain the aliens had removed. When she was unable to do so, she shook her head. “That isn’t even what archeologists do,” she said. “And anyways, the point is, you are a civilian.”

“So are you,” Maud replied. “But I can deadlift Holder’s Boulder.”

“What’s Holder’s Boulder?” Daring Do asked.

“It’s a boulder,” Maud replied.

Once again, Daring Do wondered just what was wrong with this mare. “Well, I have experience with situations like this,” she said.

“You have experience with jungle islands in the middle of an ocean One-Thousand and Two feet beneath an ancient subterranean city?” Maud asked.

Daring Do sighed and rolled her eyes. “More or less,” she said. “I have experience with ancient temples full of traps and the cursed tombs of kings and preteen girls attempting romance and Haunted Castles of Mad Not-Seal Scientists and--”

While Daring Do had been rambling, the sand around her feet had begun to shiver. Then it had begun to tremble, and quake, and bounce, in the steady, pounding rhythm of enormous footsteps. All at once the jungle came alive with the sound of shredding leaves and snapping tree-trunks.

Daring Do jumped back moments before an enormous boulder landed where she had been. Maud inspected the boulder with an odd sort of dispassionate interest. “Basalt,” she said. “That’s interesting.” She looked between the newly-arrived beast and Daring Do, and asked, “Those sound dangerous. Do you have experience with shotgun dual-wielding chimpanzees riding sapient volcanic ankylosauruses?”

“…I’m sorry, what was that?” Daring Do ripped her eyes away from the giant boulder and they fell upon the creature that was before them. “I…. what?” An ancient ankylosaurus was planted firmly in the sand. The great beast was pitch black and its eyes, which Daring Do could feel gazing into her soul, glowed a blinding orange. As the creature breathed, chasms in its shell widened and shrank as magma oozed out of the openings like a wound. That was fine. The strange part was the chimpanzee that sat astride the ankylosaurus. The ape brandished two shotguns. Daring Do stared straight into the barrel of one while Maud was the target of the other. What stood in front of her defied all logical explanation and yet, she couldn’t really bring herself to manage any sort of reaction. Great, she was becoming more like Maud every minute.

The chimpanzee began screeching and waving its guns around, as if it was trying to order them. “Maud, you can’t speak chimpanzee by any chance can you?” Daring Do asked, being sure to make as little movement as possible.

“No.” Came the reply

“Great.” Daring Do said as she looked around trying to find some way out.

The chimp’s screeches began to get more and more violent. Daring Do took a step back, this was going to get crazy.

“Calm yourself, my friend. We are all one beneath the benevolent gaze of the Great One.” A deep, calming voice rang through Daring Do’s head. Bewildered, she looked around to try and find the source of the voice. At the same time, the chimpanzee lowered his shotguns.

“Maud, did you hear that?” Daring Do slowly moved closer to Maud.

“Yes. I think the chimpanzee did too.” Maud pointed her hoof at the chimpanzee who now seemed completely calm.

Daring Do looked suspiciously at the ankylosaurus, “Was that you?”

The voice rang out in her head again, “Indeed, my name is Spinae and this is Dave. I apologize for my companion’s behavior; he is very suspicious of strangers you see.” It was using some kind of telepathy.

“It’s all right.” Maud said.

“Why didn’t you speak up earlier?” Daring Do asked, still tense.

“I didn’t think I had to. I have never met anyone who couldn’t understand chimpanzee.” Spinae chuckled, “Come. I will take you to see our king.”

“King of what? The chimpanzees or the ankylosauruses- ankylosaurs- ankylosauri?” Daring Do followed behind the two creatures and Maud followed suit.

“Both. Our two races live in perfect harmony with one another. We are the only ones on this island and we have learned to adapt to each other’s strengths and weaknesses.” Spinae explained.

“And the shotguns?” Daring Do swatted a vine out of her face.

“Gifts from the Great One.” Spinae crushed a tree that was in their way with his tail.

“That’s what you call your king?” Maud casually stepped over collapsed trees, stopping to examine peculiar-looking rocks she found along the way.

Spinae nodded, “That is correct.”

“…What kind of king gives shotguns as gifts?” Daring Do cringed as the jungle around her slowly began to envelope the group. The trees and vines twisted around to form a wall that became thicker the closer they got to their destination. More and more Daring Do found herself struggling to move forward and more and more did she notice that Spinae had trouble breaking through. If she didn’t know any better, she’d almost assume the jungle was alive and trying to keep them from something.

A shining blaze cut through Daring Do’s thoughts. A thick mass of vines formed a wall in front of the group that blocked their way but what caught Daring Do’s attention, and she imagined it captured Maud’s as well, was the brilliant light that shone through the gaps in wall. As Daring Do gazed upon the light, she could feel her worries melt away. Dave cleared away the vines with his shotgun and the brilliance burst forth, bathing the area in its warm glow. Spinae took a few steps forward and faced the two ponies, “Welcome to Anguli.”

Daring Do and Maud stepped into the light, letting the glow wash over them as they followed Spinae and Dave. Once her eyes adjusted to the brightness, Daring Do could finally see the city and the source of the light. Giant pyramid-like temples that gave off a familiar shine towered over them as the citizens went about their busy lives. A river ran the length of the town and waterfalls flowed into it, creating rainbows that glint off the street. Daring Do looked around in awe, “I can’t believe a place like this was below us all along.”

“Same.” Came Maud’s all too familiar monotone.

“We don’t know how or why we came to be here, but the two races have learned to make do.” Spinae exposited, “Our temples were built by our forebears. We don’t know how or why they were able to do such a thing, but no one really questions it.”

The group continued to march through the city of gold, Spinae gave greetings to various other ankylosaurs and chimpanzees they met on the way. Something about the citizens rubbed Daring Do the wrong way, but she couldn’t quite put her hoof on it. She decided to let it go for now, she’d talk with Maud about it later. They continued to follow the dinosaur and they could finally make out their destination, they gradually approached the largest temple in sight. Daring Do kept walking but she still couldn’t shake the feeling that nagged at her earlier. Daring Do hung back and opened her mouth to speak to Maud.

“I take it that you’ve noticed it too?” Maud spoke before Daring Do could get a word in.

“Yeah. What do you think it means?” Daring Do asked.

“I don’t know. Should we say something?” Maud responded.

“Not yet. Let’s at least speak to this ‘Great One’.” Daring said. Maud nodded in response and they continued on their way.

“We’re here.” Spinae stood proud in front of the enormous temple as Maud and Daring Do gave a quick glance of worry to each other. They stared up to the top of the temple where there was a shrine but one thought went through both of their minds at the same time: That was a lot of stairs.

Briefs ducked around corner after corner, being sure to stay out of sight of the Diamond Dogs. The skylark followed close behind, even though she still didn’t want to follow them. If she were being totally honest, she would much rather just find another way around but no, they had to take the most dangerous route possible. The dogs continued to run through the corridors, and Briefs followed the whole time. First a left, then another. Briefs noticed the vending machine mentioned by the dog and briefly considered stopping for a snack. Time travel has a way of making someone really hungry. Unfortunately, he needed to keep up with the dogs. He took a right at the machine and he saw the dogs enter the main access. That was the way to Dog City. Briefs quickly and quietly followed the dogs to their destination. He glanced at his Time Anklet. Thank goodness he had that with him, otherwise he would be pretty much well sunk should he get himself into trouble. He couldn’t let this device fall into her hands. He couldn’t let it fall into anyone’s.

Briefs finally emerged from the access tunnel on the heels of the Diamond Dogs. He turned around to gloat to the skylark, “See? I told-” She was nowhere to be found. Briefs sighed, he began to head back into the tunnel but was stopped by the sound of dust getting kicked up. As he turned around he felt a blunt pain on the back of his head. Briefs felt drowsy and weak.

“-ake them to Mistress Towa…” Briefs thought he could hear as he drifted in and out of consciousness. Everything went black.

Two hours and Celestia knows how many steps later, Daring Do finally dragged herself to the peak of the temple. She stayed on the ground for a few minutes in order to regain her strength. Maud casually walked past the gasping adventurer to follow Spinae into the shrine. Daring Do regained her composure and hurried to follow her companion. The walls inside the shrine were decorated in glyphs and images that Daring Do noted to resemble the ankylosaurs that inhabit the city. The only source of light came from torches that hung on the walls, leading them down the hall, ending in a colossal door. Runes and symbols ran the length of the door, Daring Do figured that they must mean something but she couldn’t parse what the intent of them was. Spinae stopped and telepathically gave a message to Dave who ran off and entered a small hole in the corner of the hall.

“I told him to warn the Great One of our arrival. I’m afraid that this is where we part ways. I can not join you.” Spinae seemed sad, despite the fact that they had only just met. Dave came back, still brandishing his shotguns. He climbed on top of Spinae and the started to head back to the entrance. “It was nice meeting you, my friends.”

“It was nice meeting you too Spinae.” Daring Do replied.

“I hope we can meet again.” Maud said. A look flashed across Spinae’s face, he looked sad again. The door slowly swung inwards, leading to a pitch black chamber. Daring Do and Maud gave each other a nervous look and went inside.

The room was enormous, Daring Do couldn’t make heads or tails of how big it was exactly or even where they were. She took a step forward and the room began shaking, dust and pebbles were kicked up as the temperature rose dramatically. Daring Do wouldn’t move, she had to see what was coming. A faint light in the center of the room appeared that gradually. grew brighter and brighter. Daring Do could finally make out the appearance of the room. The room was completely circular but the first thing she noticed was a giant hole in the center of the chamber where the light was coming from. Daring Do peered down the hole to get a better look at the light but she couldn’t tell what it was. Whatever the light was though, it was rapidly moving up the hole and headed straight for her. Daring Do jumped back as an enormous shadow burst out of the pit, stared straight at her, and let loose a deafening roar. Lava burst from the creature’s mouth to light giant torches on the wall. Daring Do could finally get a good look at the monster that stood before her and it confirmed a suspicion that she had been having. This was the Great One and it looked exactly like Spinae.

“Who approaches me?” Boomed a deep voice. Daring Do clutched her head in response, this was nothing like Spinae’s comparatively calm voice. This wasn’t like the deep voice that would come out of an older stallion, it was the kind of deep that would come out of James Earl Jones, not that Daring Do knew who that was. That would be ridiculous.

Daring Do glared at the behemoth, “We are Daring Do and Maud Pie.”

The beast’s eyes narrowed, “Which is which?”

“Err, well she’s Maud…” Daring Do began.

“...and she’s Daring Do.” Maud finished.

“Exactly.” Daring Do confirmed.

“Why are you here?” The beast continued. Daring Do had the feeling that it didn’t really care.

“Spinae told us to see you. I assume you wanted to see us?” She hadn’t really thought about it, but she didn’t really know why they were here either.

“You are the ones we found on the beach, correct?” The Great One asked.

“We’re looking for my sister’s soul.” Maud got straight to the point. There was a

Author's Note

By popular demand, we've split the story into smaller chapters. Dividing the chapters by length, to make them exactly equal, seemed the most logical way to do it.

Tune into the next chapter for the thrilling conclusion of that sentence!

Maud v Daring II: Who Wrote the Dogs Out?

silence that lasted several minutes.

“You are surface dwellers?” The Great One finally asked.

“Yes.” Daring Do proudly confirmed, “Is that a problem?”

The Great One closed his eyes and they could hear another rumbling, though this time it echoed through the cylindrical chamber. The ground began to shake violently and Daring Do was beginning to lose her balance. In between vibrations, she tried looking at the pit to see what was coming.

“Look, up there.” Maud said calmly (as if there were any other way she would say something). Daring Do looked up and her jaw dropped. An enormous chimpanzee with equally giant shotguns dropped from the ceiling and landed on the Great One’s back. This newcomer looked almost exactly like Dave, once more confirming Daring Do’s suspicions. The giant chimp pointed its armaments at the ponies.

“We cannot allow the surface world to find the two of us. Never again.” The Great One roared and planted its legs in the ground. “You will not leave this chamber.”

Daring Do smirked, she had faced worse odds. Though she still had a question, “Wait, just let me confirm one thing. Every single creature in this city is either an ankylosaurus or a chimpanzee and, putting aside for now how utterly insane that combination is, they all look exactly the same. Specifically, they all look like you. Why is that?” The Great One just roared again. Daring Do gave a short laugh, “Right then. There are other ways to get the answer I want.” Daring Do turned to Maud, “What was that you were saying about being able to deadlift a boulder? Care to give a demonstration?”

Maud just stared at the Great One, “Sure.”

the Great One roared, in a silent, telepathic, sort of roar.

Things were not looking good. Here they were, facing with imminent death, and Daring Do was asking some inane anthopology question about the city. Of course it would fall to her to save their bacon, once again. Not that Maud was familiar with bacon. That would be ridiculous.

"Stop! There is no need to kill us so soon! Have you ever seen a pony deadlift a boulder? I do not think you have," said Maud, in what ponies who were very, very, familiar with her would recognize as a shout.

<oh really this should be entertaining>

The Great One seemed interested. Well, that was one step out of the way. Any second spent not dying was a win in Maud's book. Plus, the delay would give the Great One time to cool off. In fact, he seemed to be cooling off already, though it was hard to judge the heat shimmer in the darkness of the great temple chamber.

"This is Boulder. Great One, Boulder. Boulder, Great One. Boulder, you know what to do. Hoopla!"

Boulder went sailing up through the air, almost impossibly fast and vanished into the sky.

<that is not in the least bit impressive that is not a boulder this is a real boulder>

As the Great One spoke, the floor started shaking again and out of the hole in the center of the room flew an immense boulder. It must have been 20, no, 30 feet across. It was composed primarily of basalt, similar to that which streaked the temple walls, but it also contained intriguing traces of tachylite. A fact which was unsurprisingly unappreciated by Daring Do.

"Run!", Daring Do shouted. "This is worse than that one temple with the golden idol!"

Honestly, Daring could be so dense sometimes. Somewhere between pyrite and hematite at the moment, if she was any judge. It's not like I did my rocktorate for nothing. Maud tensed her legs and jumped and kicked, and soon the giant boulder was sailing in an easy arc out of the hole in the ceiling.

<i grow tired of this folly kill them> shouted the Great One, and the giant chimpanzee on his back began to load its shotguns.

Gummy's log: Stardate ☆☆☆☆☆.☆

What is life? This mystery increasingly plagues my thoughts of late. Master's soul remains missing. Perhaps the true location is meant to be forever unknowable. After all, who can say what life really is? Is a body whose soul has absconded a mockery of life? Or is it the very exemplar of that which is called life? Our journey has brought us to locales unknown to ponykind.

My companions think that they are making progress because they put one hoof in front of the other. But perhaps this is merely a means for them to delude themselves into ignoring the grim futility of action before the void. Even now, as the end approaches, in a form made physically manifest and unusually salient, they cannot truly comprehend it. Perhaps it would be the greatest irony if it was I who acted in this moment. No, that would be ridiculous.

"Gummy! Don't just stand there! Do something"

Gummy blinked, and otherwise remained as motionless as ever.

"Well it was worth a try at least," said Daring Do. "Any other ideas?"

Maud looked around the enormous torchlit chamber. Giant angry monkey, still there. Giant angry lava-dinosaur, still there. Giant hole in the floor, still there. Doors, torches, granite flooring... all the same as the last time she had looked around 1.3 seconds ago.

"We could wait and hope for conditions to improve", she said. "That is a joke, by the way. I am telling you that because I am told that ponies have trouble telling when I am joking."

Suddenly the giant doors burst open!

came a familiar voice from the door, only to be interrupted by angry screeching from the giant chimpanzee.

<what did i say about using that name in front of outsiders>, the Great One translated.

Sure enough, Spinae was standing in the doorway, holding an unconscious pony in his mouth. Well that might even the odds if Maud played her cards right. Step one: trick him into spitting out his captive.

"Hey, Spinae. What happened? I thought you were on our side!" shouted Maud in that peculiar manner of shouting which could easily be confused for a monotone by anypony who wasn't familiar with her.

Oh right, telekinesis. Must be nice, being able to use telekinesis, Maud thought. Sometimes being an Earth pony really sucked. She wished she could use telekinesis. Being able to talk with her mouth full would be so nice.

said Gummy

"Wait, you can talk! All this time and you can talk? Why didn't you ever tell me? Did Pinkie know?" asked Maud excitedly.

Gummy just stared silently, as if to say "That would be ridiculous. Also, you still have an angry shotgun toting chimpanzee and a lava-ankylosaurus to worry about."

At that moment, Boulder came back.

The drugs were beginning to wear off. Briefs groaned. When he got his hoofs on those Diamond Dogs... actually, where were the Diamond Dogs? It's not like he could have been ambushed and drugged by a completely different underground species he had never heard of before. That would be ridiculous.

On closer inspection, Briefs was currently hanging several feet off the ground. That was a minus. He still had his Time Anklet. two and a half hours worth of anti-tronium left. That was a plus. He appeared to be in the mouth of some sort of lava breathing dinosaur. That was a minus. Skylark was hiding safely in his saddlebags. That was a plus. Out of the corner of his eye, Briefs spotted a familiar tan pegasus. That was a minus minus minus.

"Oh Daring Do. Of course, you'd be behind all this!"

Briefs wriggled as he hung from the lava-breathing ankylosaurus’s mouth. “Skylark!” he shouted to his saddlebag. “Get out here and help!”

Colt Skylark’s head peeked out of the saddlebag. “I’m still hiding,” he said.

“And you’ll be fried if we don’t get out of here!” Briefs replied. He may have been drugged by Diamond Dogs and their nefarious leader, Daring Do, but he was still coherent enough to know that being in the mouth of a lava-breathing dinosaur was not conducive to long term survival.

Daring Do herself was not paying attention to Colt, with running from the ankylosaurus and Maud’s conversation with Gummy to distract her.

However, Boulder finished falling and hit the ankylosaur in the eye. The ankylosaurus stopped running and dropped Briefs, sending the shotgun-wielding, giant chimpanzee flying from its back and into a wall of the cave.

Gummy's log: Stardate ☆☆☆☆☆.*

The collapse of the mountain made of the chimp, dinosaur and two ponies is a demonstration of the inevitable collapse of all semblance of order, stability and progress around us as we struggle to find meaning in this chaotic vortex we call life. Things fall apart, just as my master’s soul has fallen out of her body. Here we wait, for the coming decomposition of our bodies as our atoms spread out into dust whose sole purpose is to irritate the eyes of the next, oblivious generation. Even this momentary respite from the chase is a delusion of safety, here to strike the unprepared.

“Ha!” Daring Do cried, pointing a hoof at Spinae. “Now your chimp friend is out of the way! Now, drop our real friend!”

Spinae cried. He was still using his telekinesis to talk while holding the unconscious pony in his mouth.

“Our friend!?” Daring cried. “You’re working for her!” She pointed at the Great One.

the Great One interrupted with her telepathic roar.

“Again!” Daring cried, waving a hoof. “Trying to kill us!”

Spinae replied.

Then the larger boulder rolled into view and knocked the lava-ankylosaurus and Mistress Towa off the bridge and into the chasm below.

Mistress Towa yelled as she plunged down to the floor below.

Faced with a blocked door in front of her, Maud rolled her eyes slightly and bucked, shattering the boulder.

Meanwhile, Colt Skylark had been untying Briefs and had just finished. “Aha!” Briefs cried as he jumped to his hooves. As, he still had his Time Anklet and two and a half hours worth of anti-trontium left, this next part should be easy. “You are under arrest, by authority of the Time Police, Daring Do, Queen of the Diamond Dogs!”

However, the noise caused the giant chimpanzee to stir from its stupor, and it snarled, its face contorting into an even angrier expression than before. It loaded its shotgun and took aim at Briefs.

“Angry chimp!” Colt Skylark yelled. “Hide me!” He jumped back into Briefs’s saddlebag.

Briefs’s eyes widened as he turned to face the chip who was busy cocking his shotgun.

He twisted his watch and the anti-trontium reacted with the air, firing a beam of energy which hit the bridge, blowing it up and sending all present flying through the air. A shot from the shotgun fired uselessly off into the distance and all fell onto Mistress Towa’s huge belly, bouncing off onto the ground again.

“Let’s get out of here while they’re dazed!” Daring yelled, grabbing Maud and pulling her along.

Gummy asked.

“Pinkie never told me you were so thought provoking,” Maud commented as they raced along the uneven, stone floor.

“In here!” Daring hissed as she shoved Maud through a crack before entering it herself.

came Mistress Towa’s booming, telepathic message.

“I can’t believe he still thinks it was the Diamond Dogs that drugged him,” Daring grumbled. “And you’d think he’d be over our stupid rivalry by now!”

She turned away from the crack again and saw that Maud was actually smiling.

A glance around showed why. They were in a kind of cavern, filled with spiky, light blue crystals which emitted a gentle glow. Suddenly, a movement caught their eyes and it became apparent that there were creatures made of the crystal shuffling around. They were large, with six, insectoid legs and long, jointed necks which ended in bird-like beaks. They slowly shuffled around and browsed on other crystals, filling the air with crunches.

“They’re beautiful,” said Maud.

“Yes, but they’re not what we’re here for,” said Daring.

asked Gummy.

“No. We came here for a reason,” Daring insisted, stomping a hoof and crushing some crystal beneath it. “And now we have to get away from that lot and rescue our friend.”

“And we still need to get Pinkie’s soul back,” Maud added.

“And we’re not getting any of that done in here!” Daring growled.

A tiny, crystal creature scuttled over and began to rub itself affectionately against Daring’s leg.

“Look, it likes you,” said Maud. “Why don’t we keep it?”

“Because we’ve already got our hooves full worrying about everything else?” Daring suggested.

* * *

Meanwhile, Mistress Towa and Spinae slunk down a dark passage.

Mistress Towa said.

Spinae complained.

Mistress Towa laughed.

She moved a boulder out the way to reveal a bright pink pony in a dark cloak meditating as ivy rapidly grew around her. Her eyes flew open at the intrusion. “What can I do for you, Mistress?” The Cultist asked.

* * *

Colt Skylark, having finally emerged from Briefs’s saddlebag once the pair had put some distance between themselves and the malevolent creatures which had waylaid them, scampered after his colleague through another bend in the tunnel. Visions of making a break for the surface and putting this entire fiasco behind them danced tantalizingly in his head, but it only took a moment’s attention paid to the larger stallion to know that that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

“If Daring Do thinks she can get away with mocking me—mocking the Time Police!—like this...” Brief’s grumbling offered a dissonant counterpoint to their hooffalls on the stone which surrounded them. “...all this time, a disgrace to the archaeological profession… now so much more is at stake and she allies with those gem-crazy mutts… last straw...”

“Um...” Colt had to try one more time to cut their losses. “Is it really worth going after her more at this point? We can always try to apprehend her later. You know, when we don’t have an angry goddess on our tails.”

“You heard them earlier, right?” Briefs snarled. “Not enough that she has to stumble in my way every time there’s some big discovery at hand, but now they’re trying to retrieve somepony’s soul! She’s crossed the line from playing with history to playing with necromancy! Even if we hadn’t gotten this mandate from the Time Police, she has to be dealt with before— before she mucks up the world around her even more! And no goddesses, or goblins, or ghosts are going to—”

Two pale blue lights suddenly blazed in the blackness ahead of them.

* * *

A pale blue light followed swiftly after Daring, Maud and Gummy as they hurried back down the tunnel towards the chasm floor.

Daring glanced back in irritation at the oversized crystalline bug that had followed them from their momentary hiding place where its fellows had nestled. “There is no way we can keep track of this thing while rescuing your sister’s spirit and dealing with that rotund demon!”

“It looks like it can keep track of itself well enough,” observed Maud. “We should be honored it likes us so much.”

“Yes— but— urrrgh!” Daring pushed the thought aside. “I suppose worrying about everything else can wait until we’re sure Briefs and his little buddy are safe. Even with these bizarre ideas he’s got about us being rivals or me siccing the Diamond Dogs on him, we’ve got to look out for our friends.”

If Gummy had something to elucidate, he kept it to himself, his thoughts no longer broadcasting through the little party, as they finally emerged into the chasm—which was now surprisingly empty.

“Now where did that crazy crew go…?”

“Where in-deed-y….”

The cave suddenly seemed even darker than before. The group suddenly shared a sensation of either themselves or reality being horribly off-balance, like that split-second feeling of falling into one’s bed while waking up.

Maud’s eyebrows twitched. “Pinkie...?”

“Sorry, silly fillies, guess again!”

The cavern lit up, in a color that no sane sapient could name. The travelers chilled at the familiar silhouettes, the chimpanzee with its shotgun slung over its shoulder and the giant ankylosaurus (the latter somehow hidden even further in shadow, though not a great degree of menace, by the pink umbrella now tucked into its spines)... but, even though the bulbous “Great One” was surprisingly absent, they chilled even more at the unfamiliar, smaller figure bouncing around in front.

“Seems like no matter when I go, Equestria’s just full of you nasty-wasties trying to rain on everypony’s parade!” The grinning pony was suddenly right in front of them. “And by everypony’s, I mean mine of course! But that’s all right, since Mistress has let me know a way to—how’d she put it—get a better grip on this timeline. ‘Cuz it turns out the reason you nasty-wasties keep pushing me out so easily is, like, I’m already here? Only it’s not really me, and now I’m not anyway ‘cuz the me that is here got pushed out instead, and now you think you’re gonna go get her back except you’re gonna take us there instead and leave Mistress alone!”

The group blinked in unison.

“And just what makes you think we’re about to do anything for you?” Daring snapped. “Are you soft in the head?”

“Nope, I’m Puddinghead! Buuut… if you really think you need a reason, well, Spiny here can help with that!” Puddinghead gestured back at the ankylosaur, and Daring facehoofed as she realized Briefs was back in Spinae’s lava-breathing mouth (presumably with his skittish little friend). Fat lot of good that “Time Anklet” and zappy anti-trontium watch did them, apparently.

Spinae broadcasted.

Dumbstruck and defeated, Daring Do deliberated as she looked at her companions. She jolted as she saw that Maud Pie was already clip-clopping forward, Gummy still perched on her back.

“Pinkie’s a lot tougher than most ponies think,” Maud stated. “I don’t see a problem with sticking together until we find her.” Daring slowly fell in behind her. “But when we do… you’ll have to deal with two Pie sisters to get what you want. You should hope whatever that is doesn’t make her upset.”

Puddinghead only smirked and motored alongside Maud, as the rest of the party fell in and proceeded into the deep.

As the group continued walking through the passageway, Maud had accidentally stepped on a very small pressure plate on the ground. Her and Gummy fell into a pit that appeared right underneath Maud’s feet. Daring flew down after them, but had a hard time seeing as the pit was pitch black. She heard nothing as she flew down. Or at least she thought she was flying down. Hard to tell when you’re falling in pitch blackness. Didn’t help that Maud and Gummy were completely unfazed to the whole ordeal. That is, if they were still there.

After some time, Daring slammed into water hard. The area was lightened up by torches on the wall. “Gummy? Maud?”, she shouted. The little gator paddled up to Daring when he heard his name called. Daring looked around for Maud. Diving her head back under, she saw Maud was sinking towards the bottom. With a big deep breath, Daring darted underwater towards Maud. Maud only blinked as she sunk. Somehow, she was managing to avoid drowning. Daring carried her up to the surface as best as she could. The grey mare made no fuss as Daring dragged her out of the water. Once they were at the top, Daring let go of Maud, who then proceeded to start sinking again. So Daring had to carry the motionless mare to safety.

Thankfully, there was a small platform with a door nearby. Once there, the trio saw that the door led to a long brick hallway, dimly lit by torches. Daring flew up to see if their were any tripwires or pressure plates anywhere in the hall. It looked safe. She landed in the middle of the hallway, activating a miniature pressure plate. Some bricks on the wall slid open and strange, moist sounding croaks came from the holes. Daring slowly looked up at one of the holes and was greeted by an ugly mucus-like frog-creature hopping right towards her. She dodge rolled away from the beast, only to be greeted by several more coming from the holes. Maud rushed towards some and easily smooshed em with her bare hooves, Daring swatted at them with her wings, and Gummy tried whipping them with his tail. The frog beasts were starting to get overwhelming for the trio. Daring grabbed Gummy and Maud and started to rush towards the door at the end of the hall, frog beasts following after them.

As she ran, she activated a trip wire, causing a pedestal to rise smack dab in front of her. Once she was back on her hooves, she saw the pedestal had a mysterious object floating on it. The pedestal had an inscription that read “Rip and tear”. The object turned out to be a chainsaw. She grabbed it with her wings and charged towards the frog beasts. They were bisected easily by the metal tool, turning into green puddles of goo when they landed on the ground. Maud and Gummy continued to fight alongside her. After a few minutes, the mucus frogs had stop coming out of the wall, allowing our heroes to escape to the other end of the hall.

On the other side of the door led to a red desert. Far away in the distance, bats were flying in the air. Giant bats. Daring prepared to rev up the chainsaw as the bats neared. “Stop!”, a voice shouted on top of one of the bats. Daring lowered her weapon and looked up at the source. It was a reptilian stallion. He had the body of a horse but the head and skin of a lizard. “We mean you no harm, ma’am! We’re just exploring the desert. Please, lower your blade.” His voice was loud and screechy, but didn’t sound like he was lying. She begrudgingly put her chainsaw in her bag and flew up to the reptile pony.

“Who are you and what’s with the giant bat?”, she demanded.

“I am David. And these are my pets.”, he motioned his hooves to each of the bats as he recited their names, “This is Joe, Joe Jr., Joseph, Joey, and Josephine. Now I can ask you two questions. Who are you and what are you doing here?”

“I’m Daring Do. And those are Maud Pie and Gummy. We’re looking for the soul of Maud’s sister, Pinkie Pie. Don’t suppose you know anything about searching for souls.”

“Ah… I know how to help with, miss.” He motioned Joe Jr to pick up Maud and Gummy. Once on the bat, David screeched at the top of his lungs, prompting the other bats to screech back and fly away. Daring flew after the group to see where they would lead them. “Tell me about this Pinkie Pie’s soul.”

“I… Don’t know what it looks like.”

“Then tell me what she’s like.”

“Well, she’s pink, obviously. Energetic, bouncy, loud, cra-”

“That’s enough info for me to know about what her soul is like.”, David said, cutting her off, “It might be hard getting the soul, but I know where to get the soul from.” He screeched again, signalling to his bats to dive down. They arrived at a well in the middle of the desert. David jumped into the well and, in a few minutes, launched out of it with a pink soul in his mouth sending him flying to the sky. The soul then started to zip around here and there, dragging poor David along for the ride. Maud trotted in front of them, stopping the soul dead in her tracks. It popped out of David’s mouth and rubbed up against Maud. She hugged the soul back, slightly smiling. “W-Well,”, David got up and dusted himself off, “Glad I could help find the soul. Now we just need to find her body.”, he headed back towards his bats, “Anything else I can help with.”

“We need to rescue two ponies from an Ankylosaurus’ mouth.”, Daring said. David groaned and facehoofed. “What?”

“I might know who you’re talking about.”, he rubbed his temple with a hoof, “But first, we need to find Pinkie’s body. Then we can try and find someway to rescue your friends from that blasted dinosaur’s mouth.” Maud and Gummy hopped back onto Joe Jr while David screeched at his bats, signalling them to start flying again, with Daring following after them.

The group flew over the red sand dunes for what seemed like quite a long while. Though when you have no landmarks to go on except red sand dunes and a stationary artificial sun, it’s easy to lose track of time.

Dear reader, I will make the assumption that you know some things about our intrepid explorers. The thing in particular that will be most relevant to the next part of this story is that our alligator friend Gummy is, unbeknownst to most who would call him friend, quite the philosophical creature. Behind the stoic exterior lies a mind that runs deep in thought. And so, reader, atop an unusually large bat named Joe Jr., watching waves of red sand pass beneath, our Gummy pondered on their journey.

What the alligator pondered was this: The three of them - himself, his caretaker’s sister Maud, and that adventure novel character whose name he could never remember - had stumbled into some amount of misfortune rather frequently as of the last few chapters. (Gummy had subconsciously been recalling their recent adventures as chapters. For some strange and unaccountable reason, it felt appropriate.) Misfortune, in this case, coming in the form of traps. This fact in and of itself was not unusual. After all, they had been exploring quite a number of underground ruins, and in locations such as these, it would be quite unusual to not encounter the odd trap here and there. No, dear reader, it was something else that the alligator had noticed, something connected to the idea while suggesting something completely different.

Now, were it only an ordinary pair of ponies and a small reptile in their group, Gummy would be more concerned about the fact that they were venturing into such inhospitable territory at all. But as it were, one among their number was, by all appearances, a seasoned veteran in the art of subterranean exploration, one who would otherwise be expected to possess the reflexes and skill to evade such sinister snares. And yet it was this very pony that had led them into the traps they had triggered.

If one were to conclude solely from this singular notion, one might be forgiven for thinking that this dashing pegasus had, in fact, fully intended for these traps to be sprung. And yet Gummy knew that this could not be the case. Now, reader, I expect that you are wondering what else the alligator knew, that he could come to this conclusion. The answer is simple: It was the soul of his owner, Pinkie Pie, the disembodied spirit whose body they now sought to find. This pink soul had been spending the last several minutes playfully zipping between everyone, and any good pet knows that their owner can be trusted. And so, as the puff of ectoplasm danced around the head of the pegasus whose name he constantly forgets (a pegasus who, at that point, seemed to be getting more and more irritated by the soul’s antics), he knew that the pegasus could be trusted.

What, then, could explain how they continually stumbled into one trap after another? With the obvious solution seeming more and more unlikely, another slightly less obvious solution came to light. Perhaps the answer was that these traps were not ordinary traps meant to keep out unwanted trespassers. These traps were custom-made, tailored to ensnare a very specific kind of prey. Reader, I will assume that you are very clever, and you do not need me to tell you what this means. But in case you do not, I will tell you. These traps were meant for our heroes.

There is only one question that could follow from such a conclusion: Who was it that laid those traps? Gummy could think of only one person who would be capable of such a thing. Stories of this scoundrel were passed from pony to pony, eventually passed to Pinkie Pie, and so passed to him. I will not tell you his name, but I will be brief in describing him to you. He was a zebra baron with an impossibly constructed airship. Alas, I cannot say more, as our friend Gummy’s pondering ends here, interrupted by a sudden change in movement.

“We’re here!” shouted David as he took his bat mount down, with the other giant bats following behind him. The group touched down in front of two rows of obelisks, suggesting a path that led up to a great stone structure at the end of it.

“Where are we?” asked Daring Do.

“This is the Temple of the Lost.” David jumped down from the giant bat he rode in on, and turned to check on the others. “Most things in the underground that go missing eventually find their way here. Not many are aware of this place, however, so things that do end up here are often lost forever.”

“So what you’re saying is that this temple is basically the underground’s Lost and Found?”

“Yes. I believe we may be able to find your friend’s body somewhere in this place. However, we must be careful not to get ourselves lost in here as well. This has happened to me before, and I was lucky to escape.”

“How did you get out?”

“Joe here has an excellent sense of navigation”, said David, gesturing toward one of the giant bats.

As the group made their way toward the temple, Daring Do paused at each obelisk, examining the carvings on each one. Each set of carvings seemed distinct from pillar to pillar. They seemed to resemble some form of writing, but Daring could not recognize the language if it were. She would have to remember this place. After their journey was over, she wanted to come back here for further study.

Maud, in the meantime, stopped at each obelisk for a different reason. She had her hoof out as she walked, holding a very familiar rock. She did not need to ask Boulder what he thought of each one, for Boulder could read his owner’s blank stare like a book, if books had faces rather than pages. In turn, Boulder did not need to tell Maud how incredibly pompous they all looked with their fancy chiseled physique. Boulder’s posture told Maud everything she needed to know.

As soon as they reached the door to the temple (which, to be honest, was quite a while, as both Daring Do and Maud Pie had taken an inordinate amount of time examining old stone pillars), David turned to the group. “We should stay together when we enter the temple. I do not want any of us to split off and risk getting lost inside.” They stepped through the giant stone doors into a semi-circular chamber, lit by torches. As the last one in the group entered the temple (specifically, the giant bat named Josephine), the giant stone doors abruptly slammed shut behind them. This startled Josephine, who would have gone flying straight through into the passageway before them had David not intercepted her and calmed her down.

“We should have Joe in front to navigate for us”, said David. “And have the soul follow closely beside him to search for the body.”

Maud beckoned to the soul, who immediately floated up to the mare in what was very likely a ghostly tackle-hug. Maud whispered into the ghost’s ear (or ear-analogue) telling her what she needed to know. The soul circled around Joe, who had by now taken point in front of the passageway.

They moved forward into the dim corridor, and the rest followed behind the pair. It became quickly apparent that they were in a proper labyrinth, with walls stretching up to the ceiling to prevent any flying creatures from simply cheating the maze by going over it. But between Joe’s navigation skill and Pinkie’s soul’s Pinkie sense, the body was found in a short amount of time. It was bouncing off the walls (quite literally, in fact), but as the soul floated toward it, the body calmed down, sensing the connection to the spirit. Body and soul merged in the bright blinding flash, and Pinkie was soon restored to her normal self.

“Wow, being a ghostie was fun, but it feels soooo good to be back to normal again!” This time, the pink pony pounced her sister in a very proper tackle-hug. “I missed you, Maud!”

“I missed you too, sis”, said the gray mare with her usual imperceptible smile.

“I’d hate to cut the celebration short,” said Daring Do, “but we may have a problem.” She had made an observation of the people (and creatures) present: Daring Do herself, Maud Pie, Pinkie Pie, Gummy the baby alligator, David the lizard-horse-thing, and… no giant bats.

David called out into the darkness for his flying companions. “Joe? Joe Jr.? Joseph? Joey? Josephine? Where have you all gone?” Without Joe to guide them, David feared that the now-reduced group could become completely lost in the labyrinth.

———

“Now that the easily excited explorers were completely and utterly batless, they were in a crazy complication of a conundrum! You see, these unusually large and unusually named bats were their only guide throughout the large, lengthy, and leering labyrinth that-”

“PINKIE!”, shouted Daring Do. “Stop. Narrating. We’re already making our way out of here!”

“Heehee!”, giggled the positively pink pony. “Sorry!~”

As Pinkie had mentioned, our group of adventurers had, in fact, lost their bats in the middle of a lost-and-found labyrinth within The Temple of the Lost. To many, this would have served as an incredible obstacle to overcome, leading to a misadventure within an ever-changing maze.

However, there were two issues with that.

One, The Temple of the Lost was really old—and as old things tend to do, it broke. So none of the shifting mechanisms actually shifted anything—they just made spooky noises as they made feeble attempts at performing the task they were meant to do: lose things (and people).

Two, they had Daring Do, a professional explorer that had been in more than her fair share of mazes. It’s because of this that she had learned an ancient and most complicated technique, only taught to the most ambitious of explorers… the technique of sticking to the left wall. This meant that the group spent a lot of time in the labyrinth, which led to the group finding a lot of lost items throughout history.

Sadly, most of what they found were small change, rubber bands, and small toys (much to Pinkie’s enjoyment), which creatures of all kinds tended to lose all of the time. It’s hard to tell why anyone would expect anything less, given that The Temple of the Lost collects all lost items from the underground and not just important ones.

That said, there was one item in particular that stuck out to the group: a small silver crown with a red jewel embedded into the front of it. After all the useless junk that they had encountered beforehand, Daring Do and David were excited to find something worth value (the rest of the members either didn’t care or were already preoccupied with the toys they had found).

“Interesting—we finally found something interesting. But what?” Daring asked to herself.

“Yes! It’s— uh…” David seemed to stop and collect his thoughts before continuing. “I’m not quite sure what it is. Looks pretty though.”

Daring looked at David questioningly, and promptly decided that the labyrinth had finally gotten to his sanity. She really couldn’t blame him.

The group continued onwards and turned a corner into a long hallway—which revealed to them a collection of the most lost item in all of written history. Yes, this hallway contained piles, nay, mountains of...

“SOCKS!?”, the ponies shouted simultaneously (except for Maud—who gave a hearty “socks”). What’s weird is that they were all warm—almost like they were just recently in some sort of heating device.

Continuing on past the sock hallway, the group finally identified the area where they had begun their journey. Now standing at the entrance to the temple (freshly loaded up with toys and socks); the whole group was here: Daring Do, Pinkie Pie, Gummy, Maud, Boulder, David, and… no bats.

Okay, most of the group was here.

David, the lizard-horse thing, began to panic. “Where is Joe? Or Joe Jr.? Or Joseph? Or Joey? Or Josephine? We can’t leave here without them! We can’t!”

Thankfully, bats have amazing hearing abilities. Thanks to David’s screams of woe, the whole of the bats arrived—and they arrived quickly.

Now the gang was all here. Ready to continue on their journey… as soon as the giant stone doors that blocked their entrance opened up. Daring Do began to push against the doors with all her might to no avail.

“Uh, a little help?”

With the force of two ponies (Maud said that boulder was talking to someone and that she wanted to keep him company), a lizard-horse thing, an alligator, and five unusually large bats, the group gave a strong push to finally get those doors open.

They didn’t open. Stone doors can be quite stubborn.

Everyone fell onto the ground—exhausted due to pushing, and exasperated because how on earth were they supposed to get out of there?

Suddenly, they heard the sound of giant stones shifting. When the group looked at the door, they saw Maud standing there, Boulder in hoof.

“Sorry it took so long.” Maud said. “Stone doors can be quite stubborn.”

Daring Do could only stare in shock as the rest of the group moved forward.

“Yipee!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed jubilantly.

David seemed to mutter a “thank Celestia”, as all of the bats squeaked excitedly.

“B-but how!? How could that possibly happen?” Daring Do shouted.

“Boulder talked to the stone doors for us, silly!” replied the peppy pink pony.

“That’s not what I— that’s not how it— bah whatever!” exclaimed a frustrated Daring Do as she facehoofed.

They walked out of the temple, following the path that the two rows of obelisks laid out for them.

Now that things had settled down, the most philosophical creature within the group had begun to turn the wheels deep inside his head once more. Gummy the alligator thought to himself on the abnormal amount of traps that they have encountered. While it is very true that they’re bound to attract this sort of trouble given the areas that they explored, the fact that the traps were almost tailor-made to stop these travelers in their tracks was alarming—and there was only one creature who was capable of such a feat.

Gummy’s insight ends here, however, as our adventurers reach the end of the path of monoliths.

“Alright, David, let’s ride these bats and continue onward with our perilous plight!” Pinkie said with a cartwheel.

“‘Fraid I can’t do that.” replied David.

“Wait, why?” asked a very concerned Daring Do, as Joe, Joe Jr., Joseph, Joey, and Josephine surrounded her, Pinkie, Gummy, Maud, and Boulder.

“I’ve got a job to do—it involves getting that crown and stopping you guys.” the lizard-horse being stated bluntly.

The noises of whirring fans and steam bellowed out from above as a massive impossibly-constructed airship descended from above.

“Wait, what!? I thought we were here to save Pinkie! I thought you were with us as our comrade!” Daring Do shouted angrily.

“The fact that the pink one’s body was here was a happy coincidence. It made it easy to get you stuck in that labyrinth and to get me and my bats in there to get the crown.” David continued on. “Yet, you still managed to escape the labyrinth, with the crown no less! It’s impressive that you’ve managed to escape his traps for all this time—until now.”

“Wait, his traps?” the yellow pony inquired confusedly.

“My boss—the zebra baron who’s commanding this ship. You’ll meet him soon enough.”

“We trusted you David! You won’t get away with this!” Daring Do roared angrily, hurt by David’s betrayal.

The five unusually large bats very quickly and easily tied up the group with some rope.

David climbed onto the airship. “Sorry, girl. Nothing personal. I’m only doing business.”

The three ponies, one baby alligator, and one small rock swung slowly back and forth. Beneath them, a large vat of bright green liquid bubbled ominously.

“We’re DOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMEEED!” Pinkie wailed. Right into Daring Do’s ear, as all of them were chained together in one large clump.

“We’re not doomed!” Daring Do grumbled. “I’ve been in way worse situations than this. All things considered, this is honestly a pretty lousy deathtrap. They tried to chain us all up with one chain for some reason, which means wiggling our way free will be trivially easy. The ‘acid’ won’t be much of a problem either because it isn’t. If it were anything dangerous it would’ve burned right through the vat already, and I can smell from here that’s just green Kool-Aid. I doubt it’s even hot. The bubbles are probably coming from an air compressor.”

Pinkie snorted. “I already knew that! I was just trying to get into the mood, you know?”

“Whatever,” Daring Do muttered. “Let’s just get out of here before that lizard-pony and his bat minions come back to do some real damage.”

“Daring Do,” Maud said flatly.

“Who knows what plans his boss might have for that crown we found in the Temple of the Lost!”

“Boulder has something to tell you,”

“Artifacts in Temples like that always have some sort of super-dangerous powers.”

“It’s very important.”

“There’s no telling what they might use its power for!”

“She doesn’t seem to be very focused,” Maud said, this time to Pinkie.

Pinkie shrugged awkwardly, as if there were any non-awkward way to shrug while upside down. “I guess she’s just used to working alone.”

“Have you two been listening to anything I’ve been saying!?” Daring Do interrupted.

“You were saying that we need to escape before the lizard pony comes back with his bat minions and his boss probably has some sort of plan

Everypony Lives (Something Something Rock Pun)

for the crown we found in the Temple of the Lost because those artifacts always have super-dangerous powers. ” Pinkie said. “Have you been listening to what Maud was saying?”

“N-not really, no,” Daring Do admitted. “What is it?”

“Boulder says that one of those bats is hanging right behind you,” Maud said.

“Huh?” Daring do spun her head around to see Joey hanging upside down on the wall.

He raised (or lowered, since he was also upside down) his wing and waved. “Hello.”

“You!” Daring Do scowled at him. “You betrayed us!”

“Well, technically my boss betrayed you,” Joey said. “It wasn’t my call. And he isn’t actually my boss. His boss is my real boss. I’m actually here to help you.”

“Huh?” Pinkie said.

“Okay, let me start over,” the bat said. “My boss, that lizard pony who was ‘helping’ you through the labyrinth had, in reality, set everything up so that you would help him find the crown. Then once you had the crown he double-crossed you, had us bats tie you up and leave you here.”

“Obviously,” Daring Do said. “We kinda just went through all that. Like ten minutes ago. It’s pretty fresh in my memory.”

“Well, he claims that he’s going to deliver the crown to his boss, but he isn’t. He’s gonna double cross his boss and use the crown himself to take over Equestria with an army of lizard ponies. Thing is, I’m sort of a double agent, and I work directly for his boss. And naturally he isn’t too happy that ‘David’, not his real name, obviously, is trying to screw him over. If anyone is going to conquer Equestria it’s gonna be him. So my real boss sent me down here to let you go. I’m sure you can figure out who that is.”

“Oooh, ooh! Let me guess!” Pinkie closed her eyes and scrunched up her face in deep thought.

“Baron Zeppeli,” Maud said.

“I said to let me guess!” Pinkie grumbled. “Why is it always Baron Zeppeli? He always shows up.”

“Actually it isn’t Baron Zeppeli,” Joey said with a wink. “My boss is just borrowing the name for the time being. Anyway, I’ve got to get you guys out of here and get back to the airship, so I can ‘David’s’ face when he finds out who he’s really been working for. I don’t wanna miss that.”

“How is freeing us going to help your boss if he already knows David is going to betray him?” Maud asked. “Doesn’t it seem kind of pointless?”

“Yeah, I think it’s kinda dumb myself.” Joey shrugged. “I mean, I half expected you guys to have already escaped by the time I got back here. This whole acid deathtrap thing is pretty much held together with paper clips, gum, and the power of supervillainous thinking. But all that stuff is way above my pay grade.” He fluttered over to the the chain that held up the three ponies, the alligator and the tiny rock. “You might wanna hold your breath for the next part.” He pulled on a pin and they all dropped into the vat.

“It’s very sticky,” Maud said as she surfaced.

Gummy paddled past her, blowing Kool-Aid bubbles out of his nose as he went.

“Great, now I’m green,” Daring Do muttered. “Oh well, that’s not a problem. We need to find a way onto that airship to recover that crown and find out what power it holds!”

“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.” Joey flapped over to the wall and hung on a hook in the wall next to a level. “My boss said to let you go, but he also said to make sure you couldn’t interfere with his plans. You might wanna hold your breath for this part too.” He pulled the lever.

The vat made a sound like a gigantic toilet flushing and the Kool-Aid began to drain.

“Hey! Wait a minute!” Pinkie wailed. “You didn’t even tell us who your boss is!”

“I said you could figure it out,” Joey said.

The next thing they knew, they were riding the longest water slide, or rather Kool-Aid slide. It went in spirals and twists and turns and dips and at one point they were pretty sure they went through a loop-de-loop. The slide ended in a shallow Kool-Aid pool. They landed with a sticky splash in a pile.

Daring Do blinked. They were in some sort of cavern, probably hundreds if not thousands of feet underground. The walls were studded with crystals, and the only light that they could see came from some luminescent mushrooms that grew near the walls.

“Well, that’s just great,” she said as she clamored out of the pool. “We’ve got to find our way back to the surface so we can recover that crown! Now we just have to hope that we don’t run into any-”

Before she had finished her sentence, a bright light shone out of a tunnel at the far end of the cavern, casting a row of monstrous shadows on the wall.

“Great, just great,” Daring Do said as the beasts casting the shadows emerged from the tunnel. “Diamond Dogs.”

“Ponies!” The head Diamond Dog growled. “What are ponies doing in our caves? This is Diamond Dog territory! Ponies are not allowed!”

Daring Do moved into her fighting stance. Pinkie also moved into her fighting stance, which to the observer was completely indistinct from her normal stance. Gummy and Boulder were still. Maud took a step forward.

“Rover?” she said.

“Maud?” The Diamond Dog said.

“You know him?” Daring Do said, staring at Maud.

“I studied Diamond Dog ore processing procedures as part of my Rocktorate,” Maud said. “Rover worked in the same mine. It looks like he has gotten a promotion.”

Rover nodded. “I have my own team now. We were just scouting out a location for a new tunnel when we heard you. How’s the Rocktorate coming?”

“I’m just finishing up my dissertation. It’s about the effects of weather manipulation on stalagmite development.”

“I hate to interrupt this little reunion,” Daring Do interrupted, “but we kind of have a lizard-pony invasion to thwart and an ancient artifact to recover, so if you could please show us the way back to the surface, we’d be much obliged.”

“Lizard-ponies!” Rover frowned, and the rest of the Diamond Dogs began to murmur. “We hate Lizard-ponies! They always make a mess of our tunnels and leave bug legs everywhere from their snacks. If you’re going to fight lizard ponies, we’ll help you.”

Daring Do grinned. “I see. In that case, I think we’re going to get along just fine.”

"Now," Daring began. "We need to reach the surface as soon as possible. If the lizard ponies get their, hooves? Claws? Whatever, on that crown, nothing will stop them from gaining ultimate power."

Maud frowned. "Didn't we just go over this?"

"I know," Pinkie chimed in. "It's like we all have terrible short-term memory loss or something."

"Anyway!" Daring ignored them. "We need to get back to the surface and find that airship. But how?"

"We know a secret passage to get you to the nearest exit," Rover growled.

Pinkie clapped her hooves together excitedly. "Great! What is it?"

"Ponies aren't going to like it..."

"Trust us, we've been through worse." Daring fluttered her wings impatiently, tiring of the constant trips under and above ground.

———

"Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrgh!" Daring shouted.

"Weeeeeeeee!!" exclaimed Pinkie.

"Mildly interesting," mused Maud as they sped past stalagmites and stalactites in battered minecarts.

"We told ponies they wouldn't like it," chided Rover through the walky talky Pinkie held in her hoof.

"Speak for yourself! This is almost as fun as last week's tea party with Minty!"

"Now, when you see the third chunk of peridot on your right, you'll see an opening leading downward roughly six feet across."

"Okay now what..." Daring Do began.

"Don't go anywhere near that place. It's full of magma and the screaming souls of undead fire sprites."

"That was very useful information, thank you," Maud deadpanned in a tone that Daring was increasingly comfortable calling sarcasm.

"Head north until you see a pile of dragon bones, swing to your left and you'll come across a path forking in three directions. I... can't remember which one's which, but if you see a chamber with a floating eyeball in the center with a clipboard, you're on track. Tell it "diamond is unbreakable", and you should be fine. That's the current password until midnight, so you've got five minutes before it changes. Drive straight into the nearest wall, if all goes well the spell will let you pass through unharmed. If not, then I'm afraid your most certainly doomed."

"You gotta be bucking kidding me!" the Pegasus screamed.

"And remember, if you don't see any skeletons with crossbows within the next two miles, you've gone too far..."

"Forget this," Maud said emphatically, throwing the communicator against the wall and smashing it to pieces.

"We'll have better luck on our own. Boulder, we need you to be our guide from here on out."She petted the pebble gently, reassured that he knew the way.

———

Two hours later...

The trio plus rock and pet alligator rushed out of the tunnels at last, setting hoof into fresh grass as they broke the surface.

"That's it, no more taking directions from mysterious allies," said Daring.

"Absolutely," Pinkie agreed in an uncharacteristically cynical tone. "I love meeting new friends, but this is getting a tiniest bit ridiculous!"

"Way to go, Boulder," Maud murmured to her favorite mineral-based lifeform, gently tucking it in her pocket.

"So any idea where we are, exactly? Nopony was all that specific about where Joey's boss's airship was actually going. Damn batponies, can't trust them as far as you can throw them, which admittedly is pretty far."

"Let me take a look," Maud said, kneeling down to touch her muzzle to the ground.

She dug her hooves into the ground, reaching beneath the surface layer of grass to the dirt below.

She gave an experimental sniff to the soil, concentrating as best she could.

After some time, she brought her head up to face her companions.

"I have no idea."

"What? Your knowledge of rocks has always helped us out in some inexplicable way ever since we started. How can you not know what to do when we're back to the surface?"

"Look," she said flatly. "There are limits to how far a lifetime of study in a specific niche of geological and geographical science will get you. That, and I'm still going to college to finish my studies."

"Okay, okay, fair enough," the adventurer conceded. "Anypony got any ideas?"

"Beats me," Pinkie shrugged. "What do you think, Gummy?"

The alligator who had been silently following them turned and headed toward the beginnings of a forest.

"Well, what have we got to lose," Daring said in monotone.

"The deadpan delivery's kinda my thing," Maud observed as she followed.

The Pegasus glanced back at Maud as she trotted. "I've been betrayed, doublecrossed, played like a damn fiddle, lied to, booby trapped, and quite possibly bamboozled across this whole misadventure. So please, forgive me if I seem out of sorts. Lying batpony, Joey's probably not a double agent to that David guy at all. A single, maybe. Single-and-a-half, if you're being generous. If I can be back in my cozy cottage by next Tuesday with a bad case of writer's block, I'll be bucking impressed."

"Cheer up DD. I'm sure we'll sort this all out in just a few more chapters!"

"Just so you know, if I see another mysterious ally within the hour, I can't be held responsible for their personal safety."

"Duly noted," Pinkie chirped.

"Um, if you don't mind...well, maybe when this is all over and you might have some free time, I could come over?"

If Daring didn't know better, she could've sworn Maud had mumbled that a bit softer than usual.

She felt herself smile in what felt like a long time. "If we get out of this in one piece, then I think I'll take you up on that offer. Provided we survive, of quartz."

———
(transmission initialized)
Stardate: 5-23-B9RQ
Gummy's Log: Entry No. 372

It has been some time since I've written last. I've found myself strung along on one odd event after another with little time to prepare my mind for the state of calm required to telepathically inscribe my thoughts.

I have survived along with my companions through an incredible persistence of will, endurance, and a strain upon my sanity that has not been tested this strenuously for many cycles.

Now that we have returned to the surface in search of my enemy's airship, the excitement has abated somewhat. I am grateful for this reprieve, short-lived though it must be.

As of now, I remain firm in my convictions, though I confess there is a seed of doubt blooming its unclean blossom in my heart. The lizard ponies have gained access to the crown following our journey through the Temple of the Lost. This cannot be permitted to last.

The imposter Baron and his serpentine kin have allied themselves with the Children of the Night. For what purpose, I no not, yet the result is unchanged.

My suspicion is that the imposter plans to dawn the crown atop the Shrine of Tears, becoming the embodiment of the true Baron's avatar.

My masters and I have struggled long to maintain the seal upon the Gates of Time. The metaphysical barriers have been stretched thin following the recent temporal distortions.

And yet, that is not what troubles me most.

I fear for the security of my companions. Innocent fools, they fail to understand the doom they must soon confront.

Only the creature known as Boulder is aware of the danger. He has led us through many perils, steadfast and with confidence.

When the time comes, I pray that I may display such devotion to our cause as he. At the moment of doom, if the event that the avatar who goes by the name of David within this material plane cannot be stopped, I know that I must step forward to accept the crown's doom myself.

Being a reptilian descendant, I am hopeful that my genetic structure will be close enough to the host that it will accept me as its wielder without being vaporized.

I am ready to receive what punishment may befall me if it ensures my pink familiar and her friends will be saved.

Though my companions are to be sacrificed in the event that my mission is compromised, I cannot so easily shake the bonds of friendship. Knowing if I fail that the stars themselves will tremble at the power unleashed, I refuse to leave this world with any shame with the deaths of my companions.

After many a diversion from the path ahead, I know the destination is not long in waiting. I have risked my cover enough to directly lead these mortals and the mineral-based familiar toward our journey's end. The lizard ponies and their bat-like allies will undoubtedly recognize me for who I am, but there is nothing to be done about that.

I pray to thee goddess Epona for safe passage in these troubling times. Guide your servant with faith.

I know not when another chance to write may present itself, so I have sent my account to my masters, in hopes that they will understand my decisions.

Always with hope,
Gu...
(transmission disrupted)

———

“Oof!” Daring Do, her legs bound and her wings tied to her side, landed on the brig floor with a thump. Then Pinkie, similarly bound, landed on her, eliciting another grunt. Then Maud, likewise bound, landed on both of them, and Daring let out a very undignified, high-pitched squeak.

The soldiers—a mixed team of lizard ponies and bat ponies—sneered at their captives. Their lizard Captain said, “You three are lucky the bosssss wantsssss you alive. But he was insssssissssstent that you be pressssssent for the little ccccccceremony tonight.”

Underneath the two Pie sisters, Daring ducked her head and went to work on the ropes binding her forehooves.

A bat pony stepped forward, clutching Gummy by the tail. “Ey, Cap’n,” he said. “Whatchoo want we should do with the little gator, here?”

“Take him to the bosssss. Thissss little one issss kin. He could be perssssssuaded to join usssss.”

As the bat pony departed, Pinkie shouted, “Stay strong, Gummy! I believe in you!”

Daring continued gnawing at the knot, frantically seeking how to loosen the bonds.

Maud locked eyes on another lizard pony, who was clutching a familiar rock with one foreleg. “You,” she said. “Give Boulder back, please.”

“Nah.” He placed Boulder in his saddlebag.

Maud blinked.

Pinkie, meanwhile, wore enough distress on her face for both of them. “You won’t get away with this, you meanie-heads!” she shouted.

The Captain smirked. “Oh, but we already have.”

“No, you haven’t,” Maud said. “You have the Crown. You have Shrine of Tears. But David hasn’t claimed the Baron’s power yet.”

“Well, I can hardly blame him for wanting to make a ccccccceremony of it.”

“The ceremony depends on a specific alignment of the Earth’s tectonic plates. So it will only work at a specific time. Which means we have until then to stop you.”

“Really? And how do you plan to do that?”

“Well,” Daring said, “for starters, this!”

She climbed atop the prisoner pile, completely unbound. Before any of her captors could react, she leaped at the Captain and knocked him to the ground. Perched on the lizard’s unconscious form, she smirked. “You gotta do a lot better than that to keep me bound. Now, are you ready for round two, boys?”

———

“Oof!” Daring Do, ropes wound tightly around everything below her neck, landed on Maud Pie with a thump.

I think I’ll leave this part out of my next book, Daring thought.

The Captain had a bandage around his head now. “There! Now isss anypony elssssse thinking of esssscaping?”

“Ooh! Ooh!” Pinkie raised her hoof—which was unbound. “I am!” She climbed atop Daring. “You see, you see? I’m really good at unwrapping things. Cannonball!” She leaped onto the soldiers.

———

“Mmmff!” Pinkie, bound just as securely as Daring, and gagged for good measure, landed on the pony prisoner pile with a thump.

“You know what?” the Captain said. “Let’sssss double the bondssss on the gray pony, too, before… she…”

Maud rolled out from underneath Daring. She flexed once, and the ropes around her hooves all snapped. She stood up, then scanned the faces of the soldiers. She locked eyes with the lizard who took Boulder. “You.”

He gulped.

“Get her!” the Captain shouted. Two soldiers rushed Maud. With hooves that could crush granite, she swatted both of them away, then walked forward. A bat pony swooped to attack her from behind, and she bucked him without looking back, without breaking stride. Implacable, she advanced on her target, while wave after wave of attackers rushed forward, only to collapse unconscious under the force of her hooves.

Nopony stood between Maud and that specific lizard pony now. He stepped back, his eyes widening as he stammered, “He-hey now! Let’s be reasonable here…”

Maud drew closer. “Give Boulder back. Please.”

He continued stepping away. “Sure, sure!” He reached back with a shaking hoof-claw and pulled the rock out of his bag. “Whatever you say, just…”

Boulder slipped out of his trembling hoof-claw and rolled across floor a few inches. The lizard, trying to back away from Maud, tripped over the rock and struck his head on the floor.

Maud picked the rock up. “That was very good, Boulder.”

“Niiiice,” Daring Do said. Pinkie mumbled something affirmative through her gag.

“They were tired from fighting you two.” Maud set Boulder atop her sister. “You untie Pinkie.” Then she turned to Daring.

“Alright,” Daring said, “I think the knots are …”

Maud grabbed several ropes and, with teeth that could chew marble, bit straight through.

“Okay, then.” As Maud continued chewing the ropes off her, Daring smirked. “So, Maud, do you have a lot of experience with tied-up mares?” She waggled her eyebrows.

Maud froze and stared at Daring with what might have been her version of embarrassment. Or perhaps it was fear. Or joy. Or indigestion. Or complete apathy. But Daring was reasonably certain it was embarrassment. The explorer just laughed and wriggled free of the few remaining ropes.

Pinkie, meanwhile, stood up and tossed Boulder back to Maud. “Oh boy oh boy oh boy!” Pinkie proclaimed. “We’re deep in the bowels of the enemy airship, with a bunch of unconscious henchponies! You know what this calls for?”

“Stealing their uniforms to disguise ourselves,” Maud said.

“Yep-a-rooney! My favorite part of any adventure! Well, except for the big feast afterwards. And the songs. And the mid-trip snacks. And the occasional Not Safe For Work scene, if you know what I mean. And—”

“Less talking, more disguising!” Daring interjected, while she pulled the armor off an unconscious bat pony. “And I’ve got an idea so they won’t realize we’ve escaped. Pinkie, do you have any more disguise supplies in that freaky hyperdimensional storage space of yours?”

“I don’t have a freaky hyperdimensional storage space. I just keep stuff in my mane!” Pinkie reached deep into her curly hair and pulled out a cardboard box, far too large to logically fit inside her mane. “And all I’ve got in there is cardboard boxes and food coloring.”

Daring nodded. “I think this can work…”

“I love it when a plan comes together!” By now, Pinkie had on the lizard Captain’s full uniform. Then she sighed and looked down at her hooves. “Aww, I just thought about Gummy and made myself sad.”

Maud placed a hoof on Pinkie’s shoulder. “Don’t worry. We’ll find him.”

“I just hope he’s okay. The poor little guy must be so scared!”

———

Deep in the bowels of the airship, a bat pony trotted down a sparsely lit corridor, with the net-trapped Gummy slung across his back. Aside from them, the corridor was completely empty. Overhead firefly lamps provided the hall’s only illumination.

The light directly overhead flickered and went out, plunging the bat and the alligator into blackness. There was a cry of surprise, then several clangs and thumps, but nopony was around to hear them.

Gummy plodded out of the darkness. He wore a much-too-large bat pony helmet, and he clutched a rope in his toothless mouth, dragging the bound and gagged soldier behind him.

———

Reynaldo the lizard pony’s head was pounding, but nevertheless the voice of his Captain was enough to snap him fully awake.

“On your hoovesssss, you maggotsssss!” Captain Bob passed Reynaldo, pacing the line of lizards and bats who were now snapping from sleep to full attention. Captain Bob looked slightly different than Reynaldo remembered—his head seemed larger and boxier than before, and there were odd, pink splotches on his hide. And his voice was distinctly higher-pitched and feminine as he said, “Sssssssleeping on the job, are you? Well, it’ssssss a good thing the prisssssonersssss didn’t esssscape during your little nap!”

Captain Bob pointed at the prisoners, and they looked different now, too, with boxy heads, smudgy faces, and those same discolored spots on their bodies.

Oh, well. Reynaldo wasn’t getting paid enough to care.

“Live and learn!” Captain Bob proclaimed. “Now, I need all of you to go outssssside, find sssssome really big rockssssss, and push them back and forth for the ressssst of the day! Except for you two.” He pointed at two bat ponies, who also had unusually boxy heads. “You’re on toilet cleaning detail. Come with me!”

Ah, now there was the Captain Bob everypony knew.

———

Gummy plodded down yet another hallway. This airship had a lot of hallways.

A bat pony soldier passed him. “Hey… uh, Brian,” he said. Was that Brian? he thought. Those stupid lizard ponies all look alike.

———

[Editor’s note: The scene that was supposed to occur here has been lost. In its place, we’ve substituted an excerpt from Quibble Pants’ lengthy review of this fanfic—the portion specific to the missing scene. We apologize for the inconvenience.]

And then the story, no longer content just with making a farce of the Daring Do series, degenerates into a parody of itself! Those old clichés, the “paper-thin disguise” and the “henchponies dumb enough to fall for a paper-thin disguise”, get shoved in the reader’s face over and over, until what little humor they have is completely drained. And when the story isn’t wallowing in jokes about characters being stupid, it’s constantly breaking the fourth wall. For example, when Daring Do says they need to wait for the big plot-important ceremony to begin, Pinkie Pie answers “I’m not very good at waiting. Can’t we just do a jump cut to the ceremony?” At which point the scene ends, and we cut to the ceremony. Oh my goodness, how original.

Things pick up slightly when the protagonists infiltrate the Shrine of Whatever (which the villains have moved to the forecastle of their airship, because the author clearly doesn’t care any more) prior to the ceremony. There’s an attempt at actual intelligence: Daring Do, with physical assistance from Maud Pie, rearranges all the focusing stones to disrupt the ceremony before it even begins. It’s utterly limp-wristed in comparison to the wonderful puzzles from the original canon, but one appreciates the attempt all the same. If the author focused more on that aspect, he’d produce something actually worth reading.

Alas, this is short-lived. The sabotage scene is immediately followed by the aforementioned fourth wall-breaking joke, and then our protagonists disrupt the ceremony with yet another dumb fight scene, one with absolutely no tension at all. Though it pains me to speak ill of the only good OC in this trainwreck, Maud Pie is just too strong for this story. With her fighting at Daring Do’s side, it’s utterly implausible that they could lose.

[Editor’s note: We now return to your regularly scheduled fanfic.]

Daring smirked from her perch atop the small hill of knocked-out henchponies. “It’s over, David!” she called. “Give up the Crown, or we’ll kick your butt from here to Vanhoofer!”

David smirked back. He was, perhaps, the one pony (assuming lizard ponies counted) in the world who could beat Daring in a smug-off. “I think I’d rather not,” he said, holding the Crown over his head.

“That’s not gonna work, you dummy! We rearranged all these focusing stones!”

That wiped the smug grin off David’s face. Daring continued, “Even if your henchponies were still conscious, there isn’t enough time for you to get the stones back in alignment. And without the proper alignment, you’ll only summon a fraction of the Baron’s power. Face it, David: you lost.”

“I underestimated you, Daring Do.” Then David smiled again, even more viciously than before. “But, at the same time, you underestimated me. I don’t need any of the Baron’s power! I want his mind! And now I’ll—whoa!”

David fell forward, losing his grip on the Crown. He tumbled off the dias, revealing the diminutive figure who knocked him off…

“Gummy!” Pinkie Pie shouted.

Gummy blinked at her. Then the Crown landed on his head.

“No! Gummy, no!” Pinkie took a step towards her alligator, but Maud stopped her with a hoof to the shoulder.

“Gummy’s doing something very brave,” Maud said.

“Oh horsefeathers,” Daring said.

A sickly yellow light shone from Gummy’s eyes, then radiated from his entire body. His mouth opened, and the voice that came out was deep, ancient, and unmistakably evil. “Yeeeesss,” the Baron said. “This one’s body may be small, but his mind is powerful. He shall be a suitable vessel.”

He rose into the air as a sphere of light coalesced around him, arcs of electricity flying from its surface to the floor and walls. His gaze swept over Daring, Maud, Pinkie, and David, who all stared back at him with expressions of rapt horror. “And what of you?” The Baron continued. “Have you come to swear your allegiance to the new ruler of the world?”

Daring gulped. Her gaze darted around the room, desperately looking for something to use as a weapon, something to reverse this turn of events.

“My liege!” David crawled up to the base of the dias. “There has been a terrible mistake! Not on your part, of course, but I was intended as the vessel for your return, not that toothless baby alligator! I am your direct male descendant, and he isn’t even the same species!”

A bolt of lightning struck dangerously close to David. “Do you presume to tell your Baron who he can and cannot use as he sees fit?”

“Nnnnooo, but—”

“Hold it right there!” a new but familiar voice cut in. Everyone turned to the source: Joey stood in the chamber doorway. The bat pony zipped over everypony else’s heads and hovered before The Baron. “I’m also your direct male descendant. And I’ll be a much more awesome vessel for your return than either Short Stuff”—he pointed at Gummy—“or Gruff the Magic Drag-On!”—he pointed at David.

“Fascinating,” The Baron said. “You are a Child of the Night, yet you claim me as your ancestor. Do you really expect me to believe my line intermingled like that?”

“Oh, you better believe they did!”

“Aw, dude, that is so awesome! Those bat pony mares are hot as hell.” The Baron extended a pseudopod of light in the vague shape of a hoof-claw. “Come on, bro, don’t leave me hanging.”

David could only stare in disbelief as the ancient evil he’d labored for years to summon, hoof-bumped Joey. “No, no, no…”

“Error. Error,” an inequine voice blared. A robot, very crudely modeled after David, marched stiffly into the room. “Baron-Bot 2000X was constructed to be the perfect chassis for The Baron’s consciousness. Baron-Bot 2000X is far superior to these weak organic beings. Baron-Bot 2000X will destroy all—”

“Now hold it right there, ya dumb bucket o’ bolts!” Another newcomer staggered into the chamber. She was lumpy but vaguely pony-shaped underneath her trench coat, and a wide-brimmed fedora hid her face. She spoke with a distinct rustic accent. “We, I mean, I’m the best vessel for Mr. The Baron. Cuz, uh… the rest o’ y’all are just dumb!”

Another voice came from somewhere inside the trench coat: “Cutie Mark Crusaders Host for Demons, ya—” The sound of some kind of struggle inside the coat cut her off.

Suddenly, there was a flash of plaid light and a fanfare of kazoos and vuvuzelas: the Lord of Chaos, Discord, had arrived. He was dressed like a Romane centurion. “No, I’m Spartacus!” he proclaimed dramatically.

Everyone just stared at him, slack-jawed.

Discord fidgeted with his prop sword. “You know? Spartacus?” No response. “Oh, forget it! Anything beyond the most rudimentary humor is just lost on—”

Three thunderclaps sounded, and another ball of light formed on the far side of the chamber. The stallion who stepped out of it was a zorse: he had the stature and black stripes of a zebra, and the horn, cutie mark, and purple coat of a unicorn pony. He had a very high-tech watch on his right foreleg.

“Hello, everypony,” he said. “I’m Eventide Zeppeli, the son of Baron Zeppeli. And—”

“Let me guess,” David said, “you think you’re best suited to be the Baron’s vessel, too?”

“Pffffft!” Eventide waved a hoof dismissively. “Your Baron is just a lame knockoff of my dad. Heck, I’m pretty sure he’s literally the evil mirror universe version of dad, or something like that. I just wanted to state that for the record.”

“That’s it,” The Baron rumbled. “I’m done. This is all just too stupid for me.” The electric aura around Gummy shrank, and the alligator slowly lowered to the floor. “Next time you chuckleheads want to summon me, get your nonsense sorted out before I get here. Understood? Baron out.”

There was a pop, and The Baron was no more. Gummy blinked, and the Crown fell off his head.

Daring Do and Pinkie Pie both rushed up to him, Pinkie to sweep the alligator into a tight hug, and Daring to snatch up the Crown. Lacking anyplace else to store it, she stuffed the Crown into Pinkie’s mane. Maud slowly made her way to Daring’s side.

“Oh Gummy oh Gummy oh Gummy!” Pinkie said as she held him tight. “Don’t scare me like that again!” Gummy stuck his tongue on her face.

David collapsed to the floor and sighed.

Joey shook his head. “Lame.”

Discord stretched and yawned. “Oh, well. That was amusing enough while it lasted, but it seems I must be going now.” He walked out of the room, grabbing the figure in the trench coat as he went. “Come along, Crusaders! If anything happens to you, I’m sure your sisters will blame me…”

“Well,” Eventide Zeppeli said as he punched a button his watch, “it seems my work here is done.”

Maud said, “You didn’t do anything.”

“Exactly.” He gave the three mares a quick salute before he disappeared into another ball of light and three thunderclaps.

“Baron-Bot 2000X observes the summoning ritual has produced a suboptimal end state.”

“Shut up,” David muttered into the floor.

“Baron-Bot 2000X no longer has a purpose.”

“Great! No one cares.”

“Baron-Bot 2000X is initiating thermonuclear self-destruct sequence. Good-bye.” The robot drooped, and its eyes began blinking red.

David looked up from the floor with a wicked grin on his face. “Hey, Joey,” he said. “I’ll pay you 500 bits to throw that dumb robot out the window.”

There was a whoosh, followed by the sound of shattering glass. “Done!” Joey said. “Am I good, or am I good?”

“Mwahahahaha…”

“So, how about those 500 bits?”

David stood up. “Hahahahaha…”

“...You’re not going to pay me, are you?”

David reared back. “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Whatcha laughing at?” Daring said as she flew over. “Did you lose your marbles ’cause the strain of failing was just too much?”

“Hehe… look out that window, Daring Do. You see the hole right beneath this airship? That is a shaft that runs directly to the center of the Earth. And Joey just threw a thermonuclear explosive into it. And now—”

Maud ran for the window with surprising speed. She leaped through without hesitation. Maud didn’t need to hear the rest of David’s monologue to know what catastrophic chain reaction this bomb would set off in the Earth’s core.

She was doing the right thing. She just wished she could have spent a little more time with her family, and with Daring Do.

As the wind whistled past her ears, it even sounded a bit like Daring. “Maud,” it was saying. “Maud, are you crazy? What are you doing?”

Maud turned. She should have been surprised to see Daring Do flying straight down, flapping to catch up with her, but she wasn’t surprised at all.

“I need to stop that robot from exploding and destroying the Earth,” Maud said. “You can’t talk me out of it.”

“Yeah, of course, that’s obvious.” Daring caught up and grabbed Maud’s shoulders from behind. “But you’re not gonna catch up by free falling like this. Too much drag, not enough thrust...”

With one swift motion, Daring ripped Maud’s frock off. Then she wrapped all four legs around Maud’s torso and held tight, pressing her belly into the earth pony’s back. Daring flapped even harder, propelling both of them downward.

Daring leaned forward and gave Maud a quick kiss on the cheek. “For luck,” she said. Then she gave another kiss. “For Luxullianite.”

Maud’s expression and posture didn’t change at all, but Daring could feel her heart beating faster. They passed the tunnel entrance and gained even more speed.

“So, Maud,” Daring said, “where did you learn to defuse exploding robots? I didn’t think that was covered in a geology degree.”

“It wasn’t,” Maud said. “I don’t know how. Boulder knows.”

Daring Do gasped in horror.

“Boulder knows?! Then I shouldn’t have taken your frock off, he was in your pocket!” she exclaimed, realizing her potentially world-destroying mistake. She then paused. “Wait, really? How can a rock know how to defuse an exploding robot?”

“Knowing how to use and defuse explosives is important to rock farming,” Maud explained in her usual calm tone. Her voice then took on a very slight tone of sadness as she continued. “Boulder isn’t in my pocket anymore. He fell out when you took my frock out. He’s falling next to us.” Indeed, the small, unassuming little rock that Maud liked to call Boulder was also in freefall, traveling down next to the two ponies.

“So is Boulder supposed to tell you how to defuse that thing, then?!” Daring demanded, terrified that Maud’s trust in an inanimate object was going to lead the world to destruction.

“No, he knows what to do. I just need to give him a push,” Maud said. She reached a hoof out and smacked Boulder with it, causing the little rock to plummet even faster than the two ponies. Boulder shot down towards the robot and landed right on its left eye with a loud crack that reverberated throughout the shaft.

“Baron-Bot 2000X has aborted the thermonuclear self-destruct sequence. Baron-Bot 2000X has decided to die through burial,” the robot stated in its mechanical voice. Daring Do breathed a sigh of relief, and then began to flap her wings again, this time carrying herself and Maud back up through the shaft. Maud also gave a very slight sigh as Daring Do flew her up, but for her, it was a sigh of deep sorrow. Boulder had saved the world, but she had been forced to help him sacrifice himself in the process.

Back on the airship, Pinkie had David pinned against the wall, her blue eyes blazing with pure rage.

“NO! It’s not over yet! Now tell me, HOW DO YOU STOP THAT ROBOT FROM EXPLODING!!!” Pinkie screamed in his face.

“I didn’t make it! And I have no need for this world anymore!” David roared, and he kicked out at Pinkie’s stomach, causing her to gasp in surprise and pain and fall back on her poofy tail. Joey stared at David, horrified.

“No need for the world?! Just because you can’t have the Baron’s mind?! Is that really worth destroying the world?!” he yelped.

“YES! If I can’t have it, no one can! AHAHAHAAAAAAAH!” David’s triumphant evil laugh quickly turned into a roar of pain as a gigantic peppermint candy shot out of Pinkie’s party cannon like a cannonball and slammed him into the wall.

“NO!! NO GIVING UP ON THE WORLD!” Pinkie shrieked, stomping over to where David was pinned against the wall, struggling against the giant candy on top of him. “Now tell me how to stop that robot or I’ll stuff you so full of cupcakes your stomach will EXPLODE!!”

“That won’t be necessary. The world has been saved, thanks to your inscrutable sister and that Boulder of hers,” said Daring Do, who had come back through the window with Maud just in time to hear Pinkie’s threat.

“MAAAUUUD!!! YAAAAY!!!” Pinkie squealed with delight, springing into the air and giving Maud a flying tackle hug.

“What?! You were able to defuse that robot?! While it was falling through a hole that leads to the center of the planet?!” David exclaimed, staring at the three ponies in disbelief. Joey was also staring at Maud, but his expression was more one of admiration.

“Boulder hit the robot in the eye. That stopped his self-destruct sequence,” Maud said, in what sounded like her usual bland voice to everypony but Pinkie. Pinkie alone could tell there was deep sorrow in Maud’s tone, and tears began to fill her eyes as she realized what a sacrifice her sister had made.

“You mean…Boulder sacrificed himself? WAAAAAHH!!!” Pinkie sobbed, her tears spouting like gushing waterfalls.

“Who’s Boulder?” David wondered aloud, pausing in his struggle to lift the giant candy, and then he remembered. “Oh yeah, that stupid pet rock you’re always carrying around. So you threw it at that stupid robot, big deal.”

“Boulder was Maud’s best friend in the entire world! How would you like it if your best friend had to sacrifice himself?!” Pinkie choked out, feeling a great desire to blast David again with her party cannon just for his callousness towards Boulder.

“Look, you two, I know you’re sad about that pet rock, but how about we get out of here? That Crown needs to go someplace safe where it can’t summon that Baron ever again,” Daring Do said. David shoved the giant peppermint candy off of himself, growling at the three ponies.

“No, the Crown needs to stay with me! I’m going to get the Baron’s brain!” he roared, charging straight at Pinkie, as he knew that it had been stored in her poofy mane. Both Maud and Daring Do jumped in front of Pinkie and kicked David together, sending him crashing back into the wall again. Daring Do grabbed both Pie sisters and flew out the window, setting them down a few feet away from the hole that the robot had been thrown into. They looked around quickly to figure out where they were, which happened to be a desert on the outskirts of Appleoosa.

“I see Appleoosa!” Pinkie called out, and at the same time, David leaped out of the window, determined to get that crown back. Pinkie, Maud, and Daring Do ran as fast as they could towards Appleoosa, where they would be able to find trains that could take them back to the rock farm, a museum in Canterlot, or anywhere else in Equestria they wanted to go that had access to the abundant tracks of the Friendship Express. David ran after them too, but he was thwarted in his attempt to retrieve the Crown by a herd of stampeding buffalo, who blocked his path. By the time he was able to leap over them, he couldn’t see the three ponies anymore. As for the two sisters and the adventurous author, they were safely in the house of Applejack’s cousin Braeburn, who had recognized Pinkie Pie when he saw her out on the street.

“I’m mighty glad to see you visiting Aaaappleoosa again, Pinkie Pie! What brings you around these parts? And who are your new friends? Can’t say I’ve ever seen them before, although one of them looks mighty familiar,” Braeburn said, his last comment referring to Daring Do, who had made a quick costume change so that she was wearing a kerchief instead of her pith helmet. With this appearance, she was the secretive author, A. K. Yearling, and not the famous adventure book heroine, Daring Do.

“It’s a loooong story, Braeburn. But this is my sister, Maud Pie, and A. K. Yearling, who we met on our way here,” Pinkie said. She wasn’t even quite sure how to explain all of the events that had led them to end up in Appleoosa, since she had had her soul sucked out for at least part of that time, but she was pretty sure at least some of it would be ending up in a future Daring Do book. For now, the three ponies were glad to be treated to some fresh, cool apple juice and apple pie. Then the Pie sisters could return home to carve a memorial for Boulder’s sacrifice, and as for Daring Do, she had a Crown to deliver to the Canterlot Museum. It wasn’t quite “happily ever after”, but the world had been saved, not only by Daring Do, but by the stoic and amazing powerhouse, Maud Pie!

Author's Note

Dedicated to all the following ponies, who died in the collapse of tunnel #10:

It was a typically gray day at the Pie family’s rock farm, with Pinkie Pie’s pink coat and mane standing out as a distinct splash of color. ... “Who’s there?” she called out, her tone showing that she was willing to fight whoever it was, if needed.

-- Rainbow

“No worries, it’s just me” Maud replied. “Oh, aren’t you one of Pinkie’s sisters? What are you doing here?” ... Off in the distance, someone else seems to be spying on the group, and quietly runs off before anyone could notice him.

-- Rinsankajugin

Daring stopped to look back. The darkness of the archway was bare and silent. ... "It does not have to be. There are more bits where those came from, miss Blossom."

-- War877

The drugs were beginning to wear off. ... Do you have experience with shotgun dual-wielding chimpanzees riding sapient volcanic ankylosauruses?”

-- Kegisak

“…I’m sorry, what was that?” Daring Do ripped her eyes away from the giant boulder and they fell upon the creature that was before them. ... Maud just stared at the Great One, “Sure.”

-- LordVatek

the Great One roared, in a silent, telepathic, sort of roar. ... "Oh Daring Do. Of course, you'd be behind all this!"

-- storyyeller

Briefs wriggled as he hung from the lava-breathing ankylosaurus’s mouth. ...

-- Sereg

Colt Skylark, having finally emerged from Briefs’s saddlebag once the pair had put some distance between themselves and the malevolent creatures which had waylaid them, scampered after his colleague through another bend in the tunnel. ... Puddinghead only smirked and motored alongside Maud, as the rest of the party fell in and proceeded into the deep.

-- YamiVizzini

As the group continued walking through the passageway, Maud had accidentally stepped on a very small pressure plate on the ground. ... Maud and Gummy hopped back onto Joe Jr while David screeched at his bats, signalling them to start flying again, with Daring following after them.

-- ScottPilgrim2013

The group flew over the red sand dunes for what seemed like quite a long while. ... Without Joe to guide them, David feared that the now-reduced group could become completely lost in the labyrinth.

-- KylerThatch

“Now that the easily excited explorers were completely and utterly batless, they were in a crazy complication of a conundrum!” ... David climbed onto the airship. “Sorry, girl. Nothing personal. I’m only doing business.”

-- EpicBleye

The three ponies, one baby alligator, and one small rock swung slowly back and forth. ... Daring Do grinned. “I see. In that case, I think we’re going to get along just fine.”

--JapaneseTeeth

"Now," Daring began. "We need to reach the surface as soon as possible. ... (transmission disrupted)

-- Darkabomination

“Oof!” Daring Do, her legs bound and her wings tied to her side, landed on the brig floor with a thump. ... “It wasn’t,” Maud said. “I don’t know how. Boulder knows.”

-- MetaFour

Daring Do gasped in horror. … It wasn’t quite “happily ever after”, but the world had been saved, not only by Daring Do, but by the stoic and amazing powerhouse, Maud Pie!

-- Rainbow