I have no one.
No family. I don’t even know if I had a family, though if I did I suspect my mother was not a picky creature when it came to gentlemen callers.
I just…am. I happen to be. For whatever reason I came to be into the world and I was alone. I had to fend for myself. I had the cozy, protective blanket of chaos magic to keep me safe, but chaos is not a person. It’s a companion in which I have absolutely no say over whether or not they’ve overstayed their welcome. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad it’s there the vast majority of the time, but it’s still not a person. I’m the vessel through which it travels. I’m the person. And I am alone.
I have no one. My arm burns from where the pony threw scalding hot water on me. I’m twenty eight years old and while my magic has kept me safe most of the time, there’s still a lot I have to learn. One of the things I learn is that change frightens people, and people who fear change will try to destroy the cause of it.
I have no one. I lose myself in hedonism because that's who I am. But sometimes I wake up after a night of it and I feel utterly sick seeing how much I've indulged. It's hard for me to get to the point of overindulging, but every once in a while I seem to manage it, and sometimes I want it. Yes, there are ponies lying next to me, but they don't know me. And I don't actually want them near me, if I'm honest. They were fun last night, as was the delicious cocktail of poison jokeweed and other unmentionables, but now I feel as if my stomach is turning. They wouldn't be here if there wasn't something in it for them. That's...hard for me to admit because I know how amazing I am. I mean, why else would they be here? Right? Right?
I have no one. It’s cold in here. It’s very, very dark. I can’t see anything but I can hear. I can hear everything including the sound of my screams reverberating off the hard, impenetrable walls of my prison. How could they do this? How? I thought we were…well…not friends. But I thought we at least had some kind of understanding, Moonie and Cay Cay and me. It was fun sparring with them. Isn’t that really the point? It was fun? So why am I in here? Why are they doing this to me? I scream louder; curse words, promises of revenge, mutterings of ‘what I’m going to do when I get out of here’ until my brain just gives up and I begin screaming wordlessly instead. The passage of time is lost to me, and briefly, I have glimpses of lucidity and then I remember I am alone again. My brain creates creatures to keep me company; colourful half pony half dragon things. Beings like myself- or as similar to myself as I can possibly imagine without my losing my individuality, because in here, I have to remember there’s only one of me. But at the same time I don’t want to remember that. So instead I gaze intently at the colourful dragonponies gliding in front of me like happy wind socks. They smile at me because nothing else will.
I have no one. They pretend to like me, but I know the truth. They simply don’t want me to use my chaos, and they think they can use friendship as a bargaining chip. Heck, maybe they could, if I believed it was genuine. It's hard to when I see the scowls though. As for the friendship thing, I'm pretty sure it's all a form of appeasement. It's the more innocent form of waking up next to random ponies. You scratch my back, I scratch yours and don't destroy your precious, boring, insufferable way of life where nothing exciting ever happens. Maybe I do have a chance for actual friendship though. I mean friendship where no one is going to try and cut out the more exciting parts of me. Friendship where my individuality and talents are appreciated. So I consider his proposal.
I have no one. I’ve screwed up. Probably more than I have ever screwed up before. Maybe even worse than the statue, and I’ll probably be heading that way as well, and I will deserve it. I have no magic, and now I have no friends. Once I did, but I refused to believe it. Even the pony who at this moment in time seems worth all the magic in Equestria. But I have no magic to give her. I have only apologies and they are not enough. When Twilight takes down our now mutual nemesis, I know that there will be nothing for me after this. It will be the statue. And if it isn’t, then I need to find somewhere else to live, alone, and away from here because I can’t bear the thought of Twilight and Fluttershy hating me forever, which I know they will.
Tomorrow is guy’s night and I’m prepared with some new ideas to spring on Spike and Big Mac. There's also spending some time with Twilight discussing the intricacies of fractal magic. I do enjoy winding her up by mixing fact with fiction. She gets annoyed with me but I know she finds our conversations fascinating. But for now I lie in bed, feeling warm. Fluttershy curls up against me, her soft form pressing close to my body as she nuzzles my feathers and wraps a hoof around me. The girls are spending the night as they usually do once a month with “Uncle Discord” and “Auntie Fluttershy.” Apple Bloom is draped over my neck (she’s quite the snorer) while lower down the bed Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo dream quietly. I smile softly in the dark.
I had no one.
