Tank's Storyby SymphonyChapters...WhatIrresponsibilityFind A PetI'm Gonna Need a Crowbar...WhatIt all started like a normal day, I had just been woken up by a demon trapped in a small device. Some people call it an alarm-clock, I say that it’s from hell. No person what-so-ever would invent such a monstrosity with good intentions in mind. Well, with that little rant out of the way, I feel like I should finish telling you what happened to me. After I had reluctantly dragged myself out from bed, I made a lifesaver in a cup, also known as coffee. After my morning ritual of stating that I hate everything until I’ve had about six cups of coffee; I took a long, slow shower. And well, after the shower, everything went to shit. It all started with an innocent episode of My Little Pony. Yeah that’s right, I’m a brony. Rainbow Dash is best pony. It was the first episode of Season 2, and I had been waiting for it patiently ever since I heard about the date for the release. Nah, I’m shitting you. I had been extremely impatient and digging up every last piece of any kind of spoiler I could find. Well, I’m getting off-topic again. As I watched the episode, it was just when Discord had talked to the Mane 6 in the Elements room, or whatever they call it... Anyway, I couldn’t wait for what would happen next. After I had watched about half of the episode, weird clouds started forming outside. I didn’t bother much to inspect the strange phenomenon because of the motto I always live by; ’Acquire ponies, disregard reality’. I know that cartoons shouldn’t upset a guy in my age, but when Discord changed Rainbow Dash, I got pissed. I swore that I’d ever get my hands on that... thing I’d wipe that smug grin off his face and tear his beard clean off. Shame that it was just a cartoon, or so I thought... It was now a full-on thunderstorm outside, but the weird thing about it was that the raindrops were brown-ish. I disregarded it as being acid rain, when it was something completely different from what I originally thought that it was. Lightning strikes started to happen one after another, drawing my attention away from the episode. After the rain had stopped, I went outside to see what was going on, but then a lightning struck about ten meters away from me. I kept myself from panicking and turned around and walked inside calmly. Biggest lie of the century. I was hyperventilating emitting a noise that sounded like a mix between incoherent rambling and pathetic whining about how I didn’t want to die. I don’t think I’ve ever ran as fast as I did to get inside again. I slammed the door shut and went back to my laptop. On the episode, it was when Discord had just made the labyrinth dissappear. His evil cackle occuring with few lightning strikes afterwards. A bright flash blinded me and I fell back towards the floor, but there was no floor. I panicked and tried to scream, but no sound came from my mouth. I couldn’t hear anything asides from Discord’s now very annoying laughter. My body started to feel numb. It felt like I was floating somehow. I couldn’t see anything, except for a white shine everywhere. I felt myself slowly falling into unconciousness. Discord’s cackle dieing out gradually. After that, everything went black. I woke up with a jolt, or what would be described as a jolt, but my movements were extremely slow. I disregarded it as me just being a little shocked from the sudden flash. I sighed and leaned my head back, just to feel it touch something hard, who felt like some kind of bony plate of some kind. I started panicking slightly, as I didn’t remember having anything like that on my back last time I checked. I reached back to investigate, well tried to reach back... Progress was slow, and I mean really slow. I turned my head to look at my arm, even that was slow. But what I saw made me panic. My arm wasn’t like it was supposed to be, it was green and short. Where my fingers were supposed to be were three nails... or whatever the hell they’re supposed to be. The same was with my legs, they were green, short and stubby. Wait... I’ve seen legs like that before... I was with my family in a Zoo, those are... Holy balls... I’m a freakin’ tortoise... I shift around for a bit, trying to get myself upright. That’s when I realise just how inconvenient it is to have a shell. I try to roll over, but the only success I have is that I start rocking back and forth, making me feel sick. Just lovely. After I had completed the task of making me lay still again, I start thinking of a way to make this happen. I groaned and made a flinging motion with my right ‘arm’. I teetered to the right, almost making me stand like I was supposed to. That’s how I got an idea. I started trashing my arms from side to side, I was so close until I would be able to stand upright. After a minute of constant waving from side to side, I was now on my stomach...shell...Whatever. As I stood up, I realised how small I had become. I looked around to see if I could spot any kind of civilization. Progress was, once again slow. Very slow, but I was able to see that there weren’t any buildings or such around me. I decided to take a few steps to see if I was fit for walking. I could walk just fine, but it was so damn slow. I know that I can be slow from time to time, but this was ridiculous... I had taken four steps, but I was already bored. It is just so boring to walk this slow. There had to be a quicker way to move forward. That’s when I got an idea. I dug my hindlegs, or whatever they’re called into the ground, took a deep breath, and lashed forward, while drawing my arms inside the shell. I hit the ground with an embarassing belly-flop, not going anywhere. God dammit, Mario lied to me. Italian bastard... Why am I not shooting forward in a dangerously fast pace? Oh well, we can’t all be winners... I grumbled and stood back up. But then it hit me. ’‘Where the hell am I?’’ I was in some kind of forest, the thick shrubbery didn’t really help me figure out where I was. The forest around me was strange, but at the same time oddly familiar, like I had seen it before, somehow. Looking forward, I could see an opening and the sun shined through. I trudged forward towards the grove as fast as my legs could carry me. I groaned after a few steps. Why are tortoises so damn slow? It’s just plain annoying. Wait.... Why am I a tortoise in the first place? I can’t remember anything, how much I try to think about it, I just can’t seem to remember it. All I remember was being at home, watching My Little Pony and the weather was funky. There was some weird lightning thing going on outside and Discord had just won against the Mane 6 and then I fell backwards... Wait a minute... Discord... ’’OH THAT PIECE OF SHIT! ARGH! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT DUDE?’’ I screamed, nothing seemed to notice my screaming, though. Everything was still creepy and silent. I shuddered and decided to keep on walking. I sighed as I finally reached the opening of the forest. I looked around to see a few fields and hills. But what caught my attention was that everything looked like it was featured in a random episode of MLP. I shrugged and continued to walk down a dirt road. Suddenly, everything went dark. I don’t know if it was instinct or anything, but I withdrew my head, arms and legs into my shell. I peeked out from my hiding place to see that it was night outside all of a sudden. ’‘Well... that was weird...’’ I drew out my head and appendages from the shell and stood up. I could barely see anything due to the darkness, but I still took a few steps down the dirt road. A sudden noise of something filling up, like pouring water in a bucket, started. I froze and looked around. No one was there, to my relief. But as I took another step, my legs flew apart, making me fall onto my stomach. I skidded forwards for a while while spinning. When I stood up, I was extremely confused. I looked down on the road and squinted. I couldn’t see anything. Just as sudden as it became dark, the sun cracked over the horizon and brightened my surroundings. My jaw dropped as I laid my eyes on the now former dirt road. The entire road was covered in soap. Annoying, slippery soap. I groaned again and turned towards the original direction where I was headed. I was standing on top of a hill and the road continued downhill. I grinned as I realized that this time, I really would be able to imitate a Koopa. This wouldn’t neccessarily be that safe, but one thing that I learned from watching Jackass were that you don’t know if it’ll work or not until you’ve tried. I stuck out my tongue in concentration and lunged forward. It was a slow start, but as the descent downhill started, I had to stop myself from screaming like a little girl. I wasn’t really that successful with that... The wind started whipping my face more and more the faster I got. I withdrew my head into my shell and grinned. But much to my dismay, the downhill ride ended as soon as it had started. I was just gliding forward now. Too bad, because that meant that I had to walk again now. Great... I stood up again and looked around. I was fairly close to a town, but when I was reminded of how slow it took for me to walk, I groaned yet again and started trudging towards the town. I noticed how familiar the town seemed to be. It felt almost like I had seen it all before somehow when I entered it. There weren’t a single soul in sight as far as I had seen it when I had walked into the town. I heard some insane cackling from around a corner. The laughing was oddly familiar, but I dismissed it and kept on walking forward. A row of buffalo’s wearing ballet-skirts passed me while dancing ballet. What the hell did I just see..? I witnessed as all of the buffalo’s spinned and leapt around a corner. I shook my head gently, dismissing the absurd image that was now forged in my mind. a pony ran across the street, shouting some kind of gi-...pony? My jaw dropped, again... I squee’d in delight as the thing who ran was indeed, a pony from My Little Pony; Friendship is Magic. I’m not that good at the names of the background ponies, though. Teal unicorn, green and white mane... Lyra! That’s it! Her name was Lyra! I wonder what she was running away from, though. My question answered itself as a couple of instruments ran across the street, on hot pursuit after the pony who had just passed me. Okay. This is starting to get really weird... Looking for a place to hide seems like a reasonable thing to do right now. I kept on walking down the street, occasionally squeeing and grinning as I saw characters that I recognized from the show. The ponies who weren’t busy with running for their lives stared at me as I passed them. I stared back at some, I even saw Doctor Whooves. I couldn’t see his TARDIS, though. I’ll look for it later. Suddenly, a rainbow shot out into the air at an alarming rate. Everypony started to cheer and hold their hooves in the air. I stared at the rainbow as it started to descend towards the ground again. That’s when I realized where I had seen it before; it was in the second episode in Season 1. It’s the rainbow-thing the Elements of Harmony shoot when they’re used properly. That meant that the Mane 6 and Discord was probably around that corner. I heard a scream, followed by a thump. The rainbow ascended again and split into a dome who surrounded the entire square. After a while, the dome imploded and sent a wave of friendship or whatever it is. I could feel it pass me, but no changes occured within me. Seems like I’m stuck with being a tortoise. Great... Just... Great... I got knocked over onto my shell again, though... I started wiggling, trying desperately to right myself again. This is actually really humiliating when I started thinking about it. I sighed and rolled my eyes. ’’Oh you poor thing!’’ A soft voice exclaimed, the voice was familiar though. ’‘Let me help you!’’ the voice spoke again, and before I could react, two butter-yellow arms reached around me and turned me around so I could stand up. I looked up to see the all-to-familiar face of none other than Fluttershy. I took a deep breath to calm myself down and not throw a tantrum then and there. Oh, I really am joking with you, aren’t I? I started squealing and giggling like I belonged in an asylum. If I was able to bounce around and grab her, I would have done so without a second thought. But no, I just stood there, grinning like an idiot. ’‘You’re a happy one, aren’t you?’’ She cooed, apparently oblivious to my reaction to seeing her. She lifted her gaze from me and looked around, probably searching for something or someone. ’‘Are you lost?’’ She asked as she looked back at me. Well, I technically am lost, but I think I would be able to find my away around this town. But hey, I’m sick of walking... I shrugged, then nodded. Before I could react, or even move, she grabbed me and lifted me. ’‘You’re coming home with me then!’’ She exclaimed. I stared at her for a while, trying to make sense of what she had just said. I finally understood what she said. I mentally cheered and did backflips. Score! IrresponsibilityFluttershy laid me on her back and started walking through town. I sighed in relief as I didn’t have to walk anywhere right now. I laid my head down onto her back. She jolted momentarily, but dismissed it as she continued her trot to her home. We passed a few buildings that I remembered to have seen in the show. Sugarcube Corner, Quills and Sofas and eventually, the Library. I laid my head down on her again and closed my eyes. Being a tortoise is apparently extremely tiring. I always imagined the coats of the ponies to be kind of rough, but at the same time soft. I was wrong. Their coats are really soft and relaxing, but at the same time not too soft. It was really comfortable, to say the least. The ponies I could see were just walking around and inspecting the town for any kind damages and making sure that nopony was hurt. Many of the ponies we passed thanked Fluttershy. They just looked at me with cocked eyebrows. After we had walked through town, Fluttershy yawned. It was a small, quiet, adorable yawn. I squeed as she stopped slightly after yawning, looking around if anypony had heard her. My affection turned into a giggle as she sighed in relief and started trotting down the path again. I don’t know why she would be embarassed about ponies hearing her yawn like that, but eh... It’s Fluttershy... When we had walked down the road for about 10 minutes, I saw another dirt road divide from the one we were walking on. She started walking down that road. After a while, I could see her home, exactly like it was on the show, but a lot more noise, presumably from all of her animals that she has in her backyard. She opened the door and placed me on the floor, I looked around. Everything was like it was on the show on the inside too. She even kept the deformed table in a corner. I don’t know why she would keep such a monstrosity. Oh well. I started walking around to get a better look of the place, it wasn’t very fancy based on what I had seen so far of pony standards. It did take long for me to trudge into the kitchen, where Fluttershy was placing a kettle on the stove, presumably making tea for herself. I suddenly felt something hop onto my shell. I started shaking it to get the pest off me. I wasn’t very successful... The animal who was joyriding started thumping its legs against my shell, making me shake up and down like if I was caught in an earthquake. The fluffy assailant would get what was coming for him...her...it... Whatever. ’‘Angel!’’ Fluttershy exclaimed. So that was the furry bastard who was bothering me... The white fluff of evil thumped one more time and then hopped off me while smirking. Asshole... The bunny smiled slyly and waved a dismissing paw at Fluttershy. I really don’t like that bunny. ’‘You think you’re funny, asshat?’’ I said grimly. I wonder if he’ll understand i-Oh, he did. He stared at me with his eyes wide-open and his jaw on the floor in a comical fashion. Hilarious. He shook his head and hopped off to Fluttershy sitting by the table. He jumped up onto the table and thumped his right hindleg three times, gaining the attention of the yellow pegasus. ’‘What is it, Angel?’’ She cocked her slightly to the right. Awww-dorable. Angel started flailing his arms, then pointing his left paw at me while pointing his left paw to his throat, to indicate that I have been speaking. He continued with pounding his tiny paws to his chest, showing that I spoke to him. He finished the charade by pointing his right paw to his furry behind and then on a hat. He was panting heavily when he finished. A+ for effort and execution. Fluttershy stared at Angel in silence for a couple of seconds. ’’So... You mean that my new tortoise friend called you a flank-hat?’’ Angel nodded furiously while puffing out his chest. I snortled at the display, making Angel give me the good ’ol stink-eye. ’‘You’re a silly bunny Angel, a tortoise can’t talk!’’ She cooed while gingerly rubbing a hoof to the top of his head. ’‘Nopony likes a tattletale~’’ I sang, Angel just glared at me. I smirked as he hopped off into another room. But just before he left, he made a very rude gesture, that I will not bother to explain here. It made me shiver. I’ll give you that. I turned towards Fluttershy and smiled gently. She smiled back. ’‘Don’t worry about Angel, he’s probably just a little jealous...’’ She sighed. She stood up and started cleaning the mess she had made when she made tea. I didn’t see a mess or anything like that, but I presume that she wants everything to look like it’s in perfect shape. I continued my slow walk around the house, not bothering to go up the stairs. It would probably take me forever to get up just one step. I found a nice, quiet corner, laid down and contemplated of what I knew so far; I have been somehow brought into Equestria by some freaky magic that I didn’t know really existed, and it was Discord’s fault. When I was brought to Equestria, or when I got here I was turned into a tortoise. Presumably also because of Discord. The Element blast didn’t turn me back, so I was hopefully not permanently stuck like this. One positive thing about all of this was that I could talk, but the only ones who understand me are the animals who weren’t sentient. With that little detail, I could tell animals off like I did with Angel, and the ponies won’t have a clue about what I’m saying to their pets. Major win. Then I could butt into the ponies’ conversations and shut down their arguments, without them understanding me. I could even say mean stuff to the ponies and they wouldn’t even know! I am so going to complain about other ponies’ personalities and whine like the little fanboy I am when they do something that I don’t approve of. Another win! With my gameplan settled, I continued my leisurely walk around the house until I had returned to the kitchen. So far, so good. I could live with this, no problem. I mean, sure I would miss my old life and my family, but this was an opportunity of a lifetime and I wouldn’t let it pass me by. Who knows? I’ll might be able to get home some time, or maybe even be turned back into a human. But for now? I’m going to make the most out of this while I still can. HA! Irresponsibility! Find A PetThis last month I’ve spent here... Wow. I’ve seen alot of cool stuff and a couple of scary things but all in all; it’s been awesome. I’m now used to the pace that I have to do stuff in, and it’s actually been really pleasant. I don’t have to stress to get anywhere, because if I’m in a hurry to get somewhere, Fluttershy picks me up and walks me to the place I have to be. I also got a quick glimpse of Princess Luna. Yikes, she sure changed when she wasn’t on the show. I still like her older mane better though, but I’m not complaining. For once. Sometimes, Fluttershy has to leave for the day and leaves us animals at her house. That’s when I can really relax, as Satan, also known as Angel, occupies himself by going outside and doing something. I haven’t figured out what he’s doing yet, but I’m pretty sure it’s not a very pleasant thing for me to go through. But right now I’m at Fluttershy’s house alone, unless I count the birds crapping on the couch at the moment. She had brought Satan with her, but just before they walked out the door, the little bastard blew a raspberry and did an ’up yours’ gesture towards me. I just stuck out my tongue at him.. Shame that he didn’t see what I did with his food... Oh, he will figure out what I did. Eventually. I’ve met all of the Mane 6, except for Rainbow Dash over the weeks I’ve been here. I got a hug from Pinkie Pie when I met her the first time. Despite popular belief, Pinkie’s mane smells like raspberries, instead of cotton candy. The more you know but still, a hug from Pinkie. Pie. That’s right. Be jealous. Jealous~. I’ve met Rarity, but she just glared at me with a disgusted expression and scooted away from me as soon as I got too close. Bitch... Rarity is worst pony. Ever, of all time. Twilight and Applejack visited Fluttershy once together and talked. It’s rude to eavesdrop, but I did managed to hear something about some kind of ‘Cutie Pox’ that had affected Applejack’s younger sister, Applebloom. I didn’t really bother to continue listening to their rambling about it, though. I got bored and trudged away before I would fall asleep because of boredom by listening to them. Fluttershy had been nice enough to bring me a pillow to lay on in my cosy little corner. The pillow was a light blue with a yellow trim around the edge made by some kind of frilly material. If I had understood what she had said correctly, the pillow itself was filled with pegasi feathers, making it extremely soft but at the same time warm. Probably because of magic, but when I can’t make sense of anything that I see in Equestria, I blame it on magic. It had worked so far. So far, so good. What? I was brought to a world with colorful ponies with magic. Strange shit going on? Magic. Just as I was about to take a quick nap, a sudden ruckus started in the backyard. I cracked my eyes open and groaned. When the noises wouldn’t stop, I stood up slowly and started walking towards the door leading outside to give the ponies or animals that were causing such a disturbance a piece of my mind. But the only thing I got to do with my mind was to wipe it off the wall behind me. Out there. Standing next to Fluttershy was Rainbow. Freaking. Dash. Fanboy moment in... 3... 2... 1... ’‘HOH MY GOD THAT’S RAINBOW DASH HOLY HELL BEST PONY! AWWW YEAH THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! WOOOH! Wait... Are they going to sing? OH MY JESUS THEY’RE SINGING!’’ One bad thing about animals being able to understand everything you say around them? They also understand when you freak out in front of them. So now, all of the animals were staring at me. Except for Angel, who was smirking. I shot him a stare and started listening intently. ’’Now, Rainbow, my dear, I cannot express my delight It's abundantly clear That somewhere out here Is the pet that will suit you just right’’ I walked out onto the grass, grinning like an idiot the whole way. I had a feeling in the back of my head that I was being watched, though... ’’I can't wait to get started, but first let me set a few rules It's of utmost importance The pet that I get Is something that's awesome and cool’’ So, the first time I see Rainbow in Equestria, she’s singing? I love my life. I really, really do. Wait... Where is the music coming from again? ’’Awesome, cool, got it! I have so many wonderful choices, just wait, you will see’’ Wait, wait, wait... Rainbow is looking for a pet? ME! ME! PICK ME FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING, PICK ME! ’’I need something real fast like a bullet to keep up with me’’ ...Fuck... Well, time to put on the ’ol charm so I might have a chance in this... Tortoise Swag! Rainbow Dash flew past me, making me lose my footing and ‘gracefully' flop onto my stomach while spinning. My head is spinning... I think I’ll lay down for a minute... ’’Sure! How 'bout a bunny? They're cutesy and wootsie and quick as can be’’ ...What. Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash is not the pony to have a bunny. Silly filly. ’’Cutesy, wootsie? Have you even met me?’’ Hate to say ’I told you so’ but, I told you so... ’’Rainbow, have faith You see, I will bet you Somewhere in here is the pet that will get you. C'mon, the sky's the limit!’’ Well, that didn’t work like I wanted it to do. I guess I’ll just stand here and look cool, and maybe Rainbow will notice me... ’’Sky is good. I'd like it to fly.’’ Aaand she just trotted past me and didn’t even notice me standing here. That’s cool... I’ll just try a little harder. ’’Really? Because I think this widdle puddy tat has your name written all over it. Yes, he does. Aww, look, he likes you!’’ WOAH! Where the hell did that cat come from?! It wasn’t inside the house when I was in there earlier... ’‘Pass.’’ Called it. ’’I have so many wonderful choices for you to decide There are otters and seals With massive appeal’’ WHERE THE HELL DOES THESE RANDOM ANIMALS KEEP COMING FROM? ’’Otters and seals do not fly.’’ ’’Maybe not, but I've seen this particular seal catch ten feet of air when he breaches the water!’’ ’‘That’s it. I’m outta here.’’ NOOO! You haven’t seen me yet, Rainbow! I’ll stop you! ’’Wait! There must be a pet here That will fit the ticket How 'bout a ladybug, or a cute cricket?’’ ’’Bigger. And cooler.’’ ’’Bigger. Cooler. Right.’’ But... But I’m big. And somewhat cool. I poked Rainbow on the back on her leg, but she just kicked me away. Well that was rude... ’’I've got just the thing in that tree, Dash Meet your new fabulous pet, Squirrely’’ Fluttershy pulled a rope hanging from a tree, and the bushes moved away and revealed some kind of stage with a squirrel standing on it. ...How did she? Wait. I don’t want to know, as I wish to keep my sanity. For now. ’’It's just a squirrel.’’ No shit, Sherlock? I rolled my eyes and sighed. Then I realised that I had been snarky with Rainbow Dash, and felt like I had to cry. ’’Not just any squirrel. A flying squirrel!’’ She threw the squirrel into the air, it spread its arms and legs and floated down onto the ground. Pretty cool, actually. ’’...Yeah. So, like I was saying’’ Rainbow started trotting off somewhere, I hope she’s not leaving... ’’Fluttershy, pal, this won't cut it I need a pet to keep up with me Something awesome, something flying With coolness that defies gravity!’’ Where did the light go, and why is the only light out right now the spotlight shining down onto Rainbow at the moment? Spooky shit. But this is Equestria so... Meh. ’’I'm sensing you want an animal that can fly.’’ ’’Ya think?’’ Ohohohoho! Sarcasm is really funny! Wait... That means that I have to learn to fly. Well... I’ll better get to it. ’’I have plenty of wonderful creatures who soar in the sky Like a sweet hummingbird or a giant monarch butterfly’’ ’’Better, but cooler.’’ ’’Cooler? I can do that...’’ I withdrew my head into my shell, rummaged around for a bit until I found a nice pair of shades, put them on and drew my head out again. Unnoticed. Awww... ’’I see. How 'bout an owl, or a wasp, or a toucan? There's so many wonderful creatures the likes of that There are falcons and eagles They are both quite regal Or perhaps what you need is a dark and mysterious bat?’’ Since when are wasps cool? Toucans are kind of cool, but owls are just lame. Except for Owli...Owloys...UGH! Whatever Twilight’s owl is called... ’’Now you're talking. But instead of just one standout, now that's too many.’’ I don’t think I like where this is going... ’’So many choices, and such riches aplenty’’ ’’Not a bad problem to have, if you ask me.’’ Fluttershy shrugged. I groaned painfully while looking up at them from the ground below. ’’The bat would be awesome, but the wasp I'm digging too Do you have something in a yellow striped bat?’’ ’’No.’’ Whoosh, that really saved my ass... ’’I've got a hot pink flamingo, just dying to meet you’’ Gaaay.... ’’What to do, what to do?’’ Rainbow gasped. ’’A prize! That's it! There's really just one way To find out which animal's best Hold a contest of speed, agility, and guts That will put each pet to the test’’ ’’Don't forget style, that should be considered’’ ’’Then we'll know for sure who's best of the litter’’ Hey! I resent that statement... ’’The one who is awesome as cool’’ ’’Just like me Can't settle for less, 'cause I'm the best’’ Bloody narcissist... ’’So a contest we will see’’ ’’Who's the number one, greatest, perfectest pet’’ ...I don’t think ‘perfectest’ is a real word. ’’In the world for me’’ ’’May the games begin’’ They sang in unison. ’’And may the best pet win!’’ Rainbow made a cocky grin, which was borderline creepy. I gulped. Well... Now I will just have to get in on this... game for me to have a single chance on becoming Rainbow’s pet. My stomach hurts... ...Is that Derpy in the chicken coop? I'm Gonna Need a CrowbarA/N: Wow, I really left this hanging, didn't I..? Okay... Now I just had to find a way to enter that competition. I have no idea how to do that, though... And all of the other animals in the competition has wings. I wish I was a winged tortoise... Heh, imagine how a tortoise with wings would look like. It’d look so stupid! Well, seems like I fell off-topic again... However, how the hell am I supposed to be able to beat those animals? They’re like, super fast and super cool when I’m slow and boring... And-... Why is Gummy staring at me like that? ’‘Shoo.’’ I tried to make him leave. ’’Go on, get, you stupid croc-.. alligator.’’ He just blinked awkwardly with one eye at a time. I shuddered as I witnessed that. That’s creepy. ’’Oi! Don’t tell me to leave, ya wanker. You obviously need some help here, ’ol chap!’’ Gummy chirped. Wait... Did Gummy just... British... England... Yep, there goes my brain... I just stared at him slack-jawed. ’‘You’re... You can talk?’’ I asked dumbfounded. ’‘And you’re british?’’ I took a few slow steps toward him. ’’Eh, yes, I am quite sure that we’ve established that.’’ He said sarcastically. My jaw was still metaphorically scraping along on the ground. ’‘Say banana!’’ I grinned as much as I could. The baby alligator, who I now knew to be a british person sighed and rolled his eyes. ’’No.’’ ’‘Please?’’ ’’No.’’ ’‘Pleeeease?’’ ’’I said no.’’ ’‘Pleeeeeaaaaaseeee, with some sugar on top?’’ I stuck out my lower lip and made it quiver. Gummy stared at my quivering lip before he sighed in defeat and slumped his shoulders. ’‘Banana.’’ I squee’d in delight as he said it. British accents are awesome! ’‘Now, listen to me. I have some advice for you.’’ I groaned. ’‘Bloody yanks...’’ ’‘Fine.’’ If I could cross my arms, I would have done so right now without a doubt. ’‘But it better be good advice, because that’s something I really need right now.’’ ’‘Alrighty then, lad. Here’s what you have to do. Ya got to really keep on going, even if it looks dark right now. It’ll get better eventually.’’ He sighed again. I thought about what he had told me. He was right about me being in a dark period of my life, but if a talking, british alligator says that it’s gonna get better, who am I to say no? One thing bugged the hell out of me though. Gummy had started waddling away from me, but I called after him, making him stop and look back at me. ’‘How did you get to Equestria, anyway?’’ His face turned completely serious. ’‘Never underestimate the power that is Pinkie Pie.’’ He said ominously. I gulped and nodded. So, Pinkie Pie is a fourth-wall breaking, british gator-napping machine? I am now terrified of Pinkie Pie. Again. I sighed and walked into Fluttershy’s house. I found Fluttershy in the kitchen. She was packing her saddlebags with necessities by the look of things. I walked toward her and whimpered loud enough for her to notice me. ’’Oh, is anything wrong?’’ She asked innocently. Well, something is technically wrong. I shrugged and then nodded. ’‘Are you feeling sick?’’ She picked me up and placed her hoof on my forehead. I shook my head. I’m not sick, just a teensy bit mentally unstable. What? You try keeping your full sanity when turning into a tortoise and being brought to a world of technicolor ponies. ’‘Are you... Constipated?’’ She looked away from me as she said that last word. I arched an eyebrow at her and facepal-facehoo... Well, I brought the end of the leg to my face with a smack, whatever the hell that piece of my body is called. I saw a picture of Fluttershy and Rainbow standing together next to eachother. I pointed my left foreleg at Rainbow and whimpered even louder than before. ’‘You want to be Rainbow’s pet? I threw my forelegs into the air dramatically while rolling my eyes. Hallelujah, she has seen the light in the end of the tunnel... ’’Um... I don’t know... Rainbow is really stubborn about this, but I’ll see what I can do.’’ Yes! Win! I started sprawling and Fluttershy put me down on the floor. I started marching to the door and Fluttershy followed me. As we walked out onto the path leading into town, she picked me up and placed me on her back. I thrusted my left foreleg toward Ponyville. ’‘Onwards to victory!’’ I shouted dramatically, but Fluttershy never noticed me speaking, as always. But she did giggle and trot a little faster. Here goes nothing... Fluttershy pushed me toward the line where the other competing animals were standing. She was going through somethings that I should do and similair stuff. ’‘Now, you just pay attention and try your best an-’’ Rainbow interrupted her. ’‘Seriously Fluttershy? The turtle?’’ She stared down at me with a disapproving glare. Tortoise, bi-atch. ’‘What did you bring that thing here for?’’ Thing? Aw hell no... ’‘Technically, he’s a tortoise.’’ She snuggled my shell and blabbered away about me always wanting to be somepony’s pet. ’’He won’t get in the way. You won’t even know he’s here.’’ I continued to have a little stare-off with Rainbow. She frowned however after a couple of seconds. ’’No.’’ ’’Oh, just let him try... Fluttershy shook her head. I made the best sad puppy-dog look that I I could do. I suppose it didn’t look very convincing, though... They continued to talk, I guess I spaced out for a while back there. However, I was brought back to reality when Rainbow pushed me, making me roll onto my shell. 'Shit, not again...' To my own great relief, I rolled back onto my legs without a hitch. I couldn't help but to feel a little smug about that, actually... Fluttershy picked me up after that, flew over Rainbow's back and pushed me to her face. She said something though. Didn't matter, didn't care. Too satisfied by being this close to Rainbow. Rainbow darted away from me, much to my disapproval. Eventually she agreed, but she pushed her nose toward my face. Blah, blah, something... ''This isn't a game, y'know!'' She gave me a stink-eye. I was too caught up in the moment to counter it, though... She walked away from me and said something to the other animals, I didn't really get it as I was still pretty stunned. Before I could react, she fired away. And I mean, fired away. Rainbow fire was in her wake. After that, she turned around and flew past all the lined animals without issues. She struck a sudden pose, shouted something about guts, then flew off again into the sky. She circled a cloud and made a... cloudpony? Pretty cool, actually... She landed again and posed. ''Coolness!'' So much awesome... ''Awesomeness!'' I agree, Dashie... ''Aaaand radicalness!'' Did she just..? Sunglasses... Bipedal stance... Yeah, I think I just died from all the awesome... Well, now about those games she talked about. Would it count as cheating if I break all the other contestants' wings?
...WhatIt all started like a normal day, I had just been woken up by a demon trapped in a small device. Some people call it an alarm-clock, I say that it’s from hell. No person what-so-ever would invent such a monstrosity with good intentions in mind. Well, with that little rant out of the way, I feel like I should finish telling you what happened to me. After I had reluctantly dragged myself out from bed, I made a lifesaver in a cup, also known as coffee. After my morning ritual of stating that I hate everything until I’ve had about six cups of coffee; I took a long, slow shower. And well, after the shower, everything went to shit. It all started with an innocent episode of My Little Pony. Yeah that’s right, I’m a brony. Rainbow Dash is best pony. It was the first episode of Season 2, and I had been waiting for it patiently ever since I heard about the date for the release. Nah, I’m shitting you. I had been extremely impatient and digging up every last piece of any kind of spoiler I could find. Well, I’m getting off-topic again. As I watched the episode, it was just when Discord had talked to the Mane 6 in the Elements room, or whatever they call it... Anyway, I couldn’t wait for what would happen next. After I had watched about half of the episode, weird clouds started forming outside. I didn’t bother much to inspect the strange phenomenon because of the motto I always live by; ’Acquire ponies, disregard reality’. I know that cartoons shouldn’t upset a guy in my age, but when Discord changed Rainbow Dash, I got pissed. I swore that I’d ever get my hands on that... thing I’d wipe that smug grin off his face and tear his beard clean off. Shame that it was just a cartoon, or so I thought... It was now a full-on thunderstorm outside, but the weird thing about it was that the raindrops were brown-ish. I disregarded it as being acid rain, when it was something completely different from what I originally thought that it was. Lightning strikes started to happen one after another, drawing my attention away from the episode. After the rain had stopped, I went outside to see what was going on, but then a lightning struck about ten meters away from me. I kept myself from panicking and turned around and walked inside calmly. Biggest lie of the century. I was hyperventilating emitting a noise that sounded like a mix between incoherent rambling and pathetic whining about how I didn’t want to die. I don’t think I’ve ever ran as fast as I did to get inside again. I slammed the door shut and went back to my laptop. On the episode, it was when Discord had just made the labyrinth dissappear. His evil cackle occuring with few lightning strikes afterwards. A bright flash blinded me and I fell back towards the floor, but there was no floor. I panicked and tried to scream, but no sound came from my mouth. I couldn’t hear anything asides from Discord’s now very annoying laughter. My body started to feel numb. It felt like I was floating somehow. I couldn’t see anything, except for a white shine everywhere. I felt myself slowly falling into unconciousness. Discord’s cackle dieing out gradually. After that, everything went black. I woke up with a jolt, or what would be described as a jolt, but my movements were extremely slow. I disregarded it as me just being a little shocked from the sudden flash. I sighed and leaned my head back, just to feel it touch something hard, who felt like some kind of bony plate of some kind. I started panicking slightly, as I didn’t remember having anything like that on my back last time I checked. I reached back to investigate, well tried to reach back... Progress was slow, and I mean really slow. I turned my head to look at my arm, even that was slow. But what I saw made me panic. My arm wasn’t like it was supposed to be, it was green and short. Where my fingers were supposed to be were three nails... or whatever the hell they’re supposed to be. The same was with my legs, they were green, short and stubby. Wait... I’ve seen legs like that before... I was with my family in a Zoo, those are... Holy balls... I’m a freakin’ tortoise... I shift around for a bit, trying to get myself upright. That’s when I realise just how inconvenient it is to have a shell. I try to roll over, but the only success I have is that I start rocking back and forth, making me feel sick. Just lovely. After I had completed the task of making me lay still again, I start thinking of a way to make this happen. I groaned and made a flinging motion with my right ‘arm’. I teetered to the right, almost making me stand like I was supposed to. That’s how I got an idea. I started trashing my arms from side to side, I was so close until I would be able to stand upright. After a minute of constant waving from side to side, I was now on my stomach...shell...Whatever. As I stood up, I realised how small I had become. I looked around to see if I could spot any kind of civilization. Progress was, once again slow. Very slow, but I was able to see that there weren’t any buildings or such around me. I decided to take a few steps to see if I was fit for walking. I could walk just fine, but it was so damn slow. I know that I can be slow from time to time, but this was ridiculous... I had taken four steps, but I was already bored. It is just so boring to walk this slow. There had to be a quicker way to move forward. That’s when I got an idea. I dug my hindlegs, or whatever they’re called into the ground, took a deep breath, and lashed forward, while drawing my arms inside the shell. I hit the ground with an embarassing belly-flop, not going anywhere. God dammit, Mario lied to me. Italian bastard... Why am I not shooting forward in a dangerously fast pace? Oh well, we can’t all be winners... I grumbled and stood back up. But then it hit me. ’‘Where the hell am I?’’ I was in some kind of forest, the thick shrubbery didn’t really help me figure out where I was. The forest around me was strange, but at the same time oddly familiar, like I had seen it before, somehow. Looking forward, I could see an opening and the sun shined through. I trudged forward towards the grove as fast as my legs could carry me. I groaned after a few steps. Why are tortoises so damn slow? It’s just plain annoying. Wait.... Why am I a tortoise in the first place? I can’t remember anything, how much I try to think about it, I just can’t seem to remember it. All I remember was being at home, watching My Little Pony and the weather was funky. There was some weird lightning thing going on outside and Discord had just won against the Mane 6 and then I fell backwards... Wait a minute... Discord... ’’OH THAT PIECE OF SHIT! ARGH! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT DUDE?’’ I screamed, nothing seemed to notice my screaming, though. Everything was still creepy and silent. I shuddered and decided to keep on walking. I sighed as I finally reached the opening of the forest. I looked around to see a few fields and hills. But what caught my attention was that everything looked like it was featured in a random episode of MLP. I shrugged and continued to walk down a dirt road. Suddenly, everything went dark. I don’t know if it was instinct or anything, but I withdrew my head, arms and legs into my shell. I peeked out from my hiding place to see that it was night outside all of a sudden. ’‘Well... that was weird...’’ I drew out my head and appendages from the shell and stood up. I could barely see anything due to the darkness, but I still took a few steps down the dirt road. A sudden noise of something filling up, like pouring water in a bucket, started. I froze and looked around. No one was there, to my relief. But as I took another step, my legs flew apart, making me fall onto my stomach. I skidded forwards for a while while spinning. When I stood up, I was extremely confused. I looked down on the road and squinted. I couldn’t see anything. Just as sudden as it became dark, the sun cracked over the horizon and brightened my surroundings. My jaw dropped as I laid my eyes on the now former dirt road. The entire road was covered in soap. Annoying, slippery soap. I groaned again and turned towards the original direction where I was headed. I was standing on top of a hill and the road continued downhill. I grinned as I realized that this time, I really would be able to imitate a Koopa. This wouldn’t neccessarily be that safe, but one thing that I learned from watching Jackass were that you don’t know if it’ll work or not until you’ve tried. I stuck out my tongue in concentration and lunged forward. It was a slow start, but as the descent downhill started, I had to stop myself from screaming like a little girl. I wasn’t really that successful with that... The wind started whipping my face more and more the faster I got. I withdrew my head into my shell and grinned. But much to my dismay, the downhill ride ended as soon as it had started. I was just gliding forward now. Too bad, because that meant that I had to walk again now. Great... I stood up again and looked around. I was fairly close to a town, but when I was reminded of how slow it took for me to walk, I groaned yet again and started trudging towards the town. I noticed how familiar the town seemed to be. It felt almost like I had seen it all before somehow when I entered it. There weren’t a single soul in sight as far as I had seen it when I had walked into the town. I heard some insane cackling from around a corner. The laughing was oddly familiar, but I dismissed it and kept on walking forward. A row of buffalo’s wearing ballet-skirts passed me while dancing ballet. What the hell did I just see..? I witnessed as all of the buffalo’s spinned and leapt around a corner. I shook my head gently, dismissing the absurd image that was now forged in my mind. a pony ran across the street, shouting some kind of gi-...pony? My jaw dropped, again... I squee’d in delight as the thing who ran was indeed, a pony from My Little Pony; Friendship is Magic. I’m not that good at the names of the background ponies, though. Teal unicorn, green and white mane... Lyra! That’s it! Her name was Lyra! I wonder what she was running away from, though. My question answered itself as a couple of instruments ran across the street, on hot pursuit after the pony who had just passed me. Okay. This is starting to get really weird... Looking for a place to hide seems like a reasonable thing to do right now. I kept on walking down the street, occasionally squeeing and grinning as I saw characters that I recognized from the show. The ponies who weren’t busy with running for their lives stared at me as I passed them. I stared back at some, I even saw Doctor Whooves. I couldn’t see his TARDIS, though. I’ll look for it later. Suddenly, a rainbow shot out into the air at an alarming rate. Everypony started to cheer and hold their hooves in the air. I stared at the rainbow as it started to descend towards the ground again. That’s when I realized where I had seen it before; it was in the second episode in Season 1. It’s the rainbow-thing the Elements of Harmony shoot when they’re used properly. That meant that the Mane 6 and Discord was probably around that corner. I heard a scream, followed by a thump. The rainbow ascended again and split into a dome who surrounded the entire square. After a while, the dome imploded and sent a wave of friendship or whatever it is. I could feel it pass me, but no changes occured within me. Seems like I’m stuck with being a tortoise. Great... Just... Great... I got knocked over onto my shell again, though... I started wiggling, trying desperately to right myself again. This is actually really humiliating when I started thinking about it. I sighed and rolled my eyes. ’’Oh you poor thing!’’ A soft voice exclaimed, the voice was familiar though. ’‘Let me help you!’’ the voice spoke again, and before I could react, two butter-yellow arms reached around me and turned me around so I could stand up. I looked up to see the all-to-familiar face of none other than Fluttershy. I took a deep breath to calm myself down and not throw a tantrum then and there. Oh, I really am joking with you, aren’t I? I started squealing and giggling like I belonged in an asylum. If I was able to bounce around and grab her, I would have done so without a second thought. But no, I just stood there, grinning like an idiot. ’‘You’re a happy one, aren’t you?’’ She cooed, apparently oblivious to my reaction to seeing her. She lifted her gaze from me and looked around, probably searching for something or someone. ’‘Are you lost?’’ She asked as she looked back at me. Well, I technically am lost, but I think I would be able to find my away around this town. But hey, I’m sick of walking... I shrugged, then nodded. Before I could react, or even move, she grabbed me and lifted me. ’‘You’re coming home with me then!’’ She exclaimed. I stared at her for a while, trying to make sense of what she had just said. I finally understood what she said. I mentally cheered and did backflips. Score!
IrresponsibilityFluttershy laid me on her back and started walking through town. I sighed in relief as I didn’t have to walk anywhere right now. I laid my head down onto her back. She jolted momentarily, but dismissed it as she continued her trot to her home. We passed a few buildings that I remembered to have seen in the show. Sugarcube Corner, Quills and Sofas and eventually, the Library. I laid my head down on her again and closed my eyes. Being a tortoise is apparently extremely tiring. I always imagined the coats of the ponies to be kind of rough, but at the same time soft. I was wrong. Their coats are really soft and relaxing, but at the same time not too soft. It was really comfortable, to say the least. The ponies I could see were just walking around and inspecting the town for any kind damages and making sure that nopony was hurt. Many of the ponies we passed thanked Fluttershy. They just looked at me with cocked eyebrows. After we had walked through town, Fluttershy yawned. It was a small, quiet, adorable yawn. I squeed as she stopped slightly after yawning, looking around if anypony had heard her. My affection turned into a giggle as she sighed in relief and started trotting down the path again. I don’t know why she would be embarassed about ponies hearing her yawn like that, but eh... It’s Fluttershy... When we had walked down the road for about 10 minutes, I saw another dirt road divide from the one we were walking on. She started walking down that road. After a while, I could see her home, exactly like it was on the show, but a lot more noise, presumably from all of her animals that she has in her backyard. She opened the door and placed me on the floor, I looked around. Everything was like it was on the show on the inside too. She even kept the deformed table in a corner. I don’t know why she would keep such a monstrosity. Oh well. I started walking around to get a better look of the place, it wasn’t very fancy based on what I had seen so far of pony standards. It did take long for me to trudge into the kitchen, where Fluttershy was placing a kettle on the stove, presumably making tea for herself. I suddenly felt something hop onto my shell. I started shaking it to get the pest off me. I wasn’t very successful... The animal who was joyriding started thumping its legs against my shell, making me shake up and down like if I was caught in an earthquake. The fluffy assailant would get what was coming for him...her...it... Whatever. ’‘Angel!’’ Fluttershy exclaimed. So that was the furry bastard who was bothering me... The white fluff of evil thumped one more time and then hopped off me while smirking. Asshole... The bunny smiled slyly and waved a dismissing paw at Fluttershy. I really don’t like that bunny. ’‘You think you’re funny, asshat?’’ I said grimly. I wonder if he’ll understand i-Oh, he did. He stared at me with his eyes wide-open and his jaw on the floor in a comical fashion. Hilarious. He shook his head and hopped off to Fluttershy sitting by the table. He jumped up onto the table and thumped his right hindleg three times, gaining the attention of the yellow pegasus. ’‘What is it, Angel?’’ She cocked her slightly to the right. Awww-dorable. Angel started flailing his arms, then pointing his left paw at me while pointing his left paw to his throat, to indicate that I have been speaking. He continued with pounding his tiny paws to his chest, showing that I spoke to him. He finished the charade by pointing his right paw to his furry behind and then on a hat. He was panting heavily when he finished. A+ for effort and execution. Fluttershy stared at Angel in silence for a couple of seconds. ’’So... You mean that my new tortoise friend called you a flank-hat?’’ Angel nodded furiously while puffing out his chest. I snortled at the display, making Angel give me the good ’ol stink-eye. ’‘You’re a silly bunny Angel, a tortoise can’t talk!’’ She cooed while gingerly rubbing a hoof to the top of his head. ’‘Nopony likes a tattletale~’’ I sang, Angel just glared at me. I smirked as he hopped off into another room. But just before he left, he made a very rude gesture, that I will not bother to explain here. It made me shiver. I’ll give you that. I turned towards Fluttershy and smiled gently. She smiled back. ’‘Don’t worry about Angel, he’s probably just a little jealous...’’ She sighed. She stood up and started cleaning the mess she had made when she made tea. I didn’t see a mess or anything like that, but I presume that she wants everything to look like it’s in perfect shape. I continued my slow walk around the house, not bothering to go up the stairs. It would probably take me forever to get up just one step. I found a nice, quiet corner, laid down and contemplated of what I knew so far; I have been somehow brought into Equestria by some freaky magic that I didn’t know really existed, and it was Discord’s fault. When I was brought to Equestria, or when I got here I was turned into a tortoise. Presumably also because of Discord. The Element blast didn’t turn me back, so I was hopefully not permanently stuck like this. One positive thing about all of this was that I could talk, but the only ones who understand me are the animals who weren’t sentient. With that little detail, I could tell animals off like I did with Angel, and the ponies won’t have a clue about what I’m saying to their pets. Major win. Then I could butt into the ponies’ conversations and shut down their arguments, without them understanding me. I could even say mean stuff to the ponies and they wouldn’t even know! I am so going to complain about other ponies’ personalities and whine like the little fanboy I am when they do something that I don’t approve of. Another win! With my gameplan settled, I continued my leisurely walk around the house until I had returned to the kitchen. So far, so good. I could live with this, no problem. I mean, sure I would miss my old life and my family, but this was an opportunity of a lifetime and I wouldn’t let it pass me by. Who knows? I’ll might be able to get home some time, or maybe even be turned back into a human. But for now? I’m going to make the most out of this while I still can. HA! Irresponsibility!
Find A PetThis last month I’ve spent here... Wow. I’ve seen alot of cool stuff and a couple of scary things but all in all; it’s been awesome. I’m now used to the pace that I have to do stuff in, and it’s actually been really pleasant. I don’t have to stress to get anywhere, because if I’m in a hurry to get somewhere, Fluttershy picks me up and walks me to the place I have to be. I also got a quick glimpse of Princess Luna. Yikes, she sure changed when she wasn’t on the show. I still like her older mane better though, but I’m not complaining. For once. Sometimes, Fluttershy has to leave for the day and leaves us animals at her house. That’s when I can really relax, as Satan, also known as Angel, occupies himself by going outside and doing something. I haven’t figured out what he’s doing yet, but I’m pretty sure it’s not a very pleasant thing for me to go through. But right now I’m at Fluttershy’s house alone, unless I count the birds crapping on the couch at the moment. She had brought Satan with her, but just before they walked out the door, the little bastard blew a raspberry and did an ’up yours’ gesture towards me. I just stuck out my tongue at him.. Shame that he didn’t see what I did with his food... Oh, he will figure out what I did. Eventually. I’ve met all of the Mane 6, except for Rainbow Dash over the weeks I’ve been here. I got a hug from Pinkie Pie when I met her the first time. Despite popular belief, Pinkie’s mane smells like raspberries, instead of cotton candy. The more you know but still, a hug from Pinkie. Pie. That’s right. Be jealous. Jealous~. I’ve met Rarity, but she just glared at me with a disgusted expression and scooted away from me as soon as I got too close. Bitch... Rarity is worst pony. Ever, of all time. Twilight and Applejack visited Fluttershy once together and talked. It’s rude to eavesdrop, but I did managed to hear something about some kind of ‘Cutie Pox’ that had affected Applejack’s younger sister, Applebloom. I didn’t really bother to continue listening to their rambling about it, though. I got bored and trudged away before I would fall asleep because of boredom by listening to them. Fluttershy had been nice enough to bring me a pillow to lay on in my cosy little corner. The pillow was a light blue with a yellow trim around the edge made by some kind of frilly material. If I had understood what she had said correctly, the pillow itself was filled with pegasi feathers, making it extremely soft but at the same time warm. Probably because of magic, but when I can’t make sense of anything that I see in Equestria, I blame it on magic. It had worked so far. So far, so good. What? I was brought to a world with colorful ponies with magic. Strange shit going on? Magic. Just as I was about to take a quick nap, a sudden ruckus started in the backyard. I cracked my eyes open and groaned. When the noises wouldn’t stop, I stood up slowly and started walking towards the door leading outside to give the ponies or animals that were causing such a disturbance a piece of my mind. But the only thing I got to do with my mind was to wipe it off the wall behind me. Out there. Standing next to Fluttershy was Rainbow. Freaking. Dash. Fanboy moment in... 3... 2... 1... ’‘HOH MY GOD THAT’S RAINBOW DASH HOLY HELL BEST PONY! AWWW YEAH THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! WOOOH! Wait... Are they going to sing? OH MY JESUS THEY’RE SINGING!’’ One bad thing about animals being able to understand everything you say around them? They also understand when you freak out in front of them. So now, all of the animals were staring at me. Except for Angel, who was smirking. I shot him a stare and started listening intently. ’’Now, Rainbow, my dear, I cannot express my delight It's abundantly clear That somewhere out here Is the pet that will suit you just right’’ I walked out onto the grass, grinning like an idiot the whole way. I had a feeling in the back of my head that I was being watched, though... ’’I can't wait to get started, but first let me set a few rules It's of utmost importance The pet that I get Is something that's awesome and cool’’ So, the first time I see Rainbow in Equestria, she’s singing? I love my life. I really, really do. Wait... Where is the music coming from again? ’’Awesome, cool, got it! I have so many wonderful choices, just wait, you will see’’ Wait, wait, wait... Rainbow is looking for a pet? ME! ME! PICK ME FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING, PICK ME! ’’I need something real fast like a bullet to keep up with me’’ ...Fuck... Well, time to put on the ’ol charm so I might have a chance in this... Tortoise Swag! Rainbow Dash flew past me, making me lose my footing and ‘gracefully' flop onto my stomach while spinning. My head is spinning... I think I’ll lay down for a minute... ’’Sure! How 'bout a bunny? They're cutesy and wootsie and quick as can be’’ ...What. Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash is not the pony to have a bunny. Silly filly. ’’Cutesy, wootsie? Have you even met me?’’ Hate to say ’I told you so’ but, I told you so... ’’Rainbow, have faith You see, I will bet you Somewhere in here is the pet that will get you. C'mon, the sky's the limit!’’ Well, that didn’t work like I wanted it to do. I guess I’ll just stand here and look cool, and maybe Rainbow will notice me... ’’Sky is good. I'd like it to fly.’’ Aaand she just trotted past me and didn’t even notice me standing here. That’s cool... I’ll just try a little harder. ’’Really? Because I think this widdle puddy tat has your name written all over it. Yes, he does. Aww, look, he likes you!’’ WOAH! Where the hell did that cat come from?! It wasn’t inside the house when I was in there earlier... ’‘Pass.’’ Called it. ’’I have so many wonderful choices for you to decide There are otters and seals With massive appeal’’ WHERE THE HELL DOES THESE RANDOM ANIMALS KEEP COMING FROM? ’’Otters and seals do not fly.’’ ’’Maybe not, but I've seen this particular seal catch ten feet of air when he breaches the water!’’ ’‘That’s it. I’m outta here.’’ NOOO! You haven’t seen me yet, Rainbow! I’ll stop you! ’’Wait! There must be a pet here That will fit the ticket How 'bout a ladybug, or a cute cricket?’’ ’’Bigger. And cooler.’’ ’’Bigger. Cooler. Right.’’ But... But I’m big. And somewhat cool. I poked Rainbow on the back on her leg, but she just kicked me away. Well that was rude... ’’I've got just the thing in that tree, Dash Meet your new fabulous pet, Squirrely’’ Fluttershy pulled a rope hanging from a tree, and the bushes moved away and revealed some kind of stage with a squirrel standing on it. ...How did she? Wait. I don’t want to know, as I wish to keep my sanity. For now. ’’It's just a squirrel.’’ No shit, Sherlock? I rolled my eyes and sighed. Then I realised that I had been snarky with Rainbow Dash, and felt like I had to cry. ’’Not just any squirrel. A flying squirrel!’’ She threw the squirrel into the air, it spread its arms and legs and floated down onto the ground. Pretty cool, actually. ’’...Yeah. So, like I was saying’’ Rainbow started trotting off somewhere, I hope she’s not leaving... ’’Fluttershy, pal, this won't cut it I need a pet to keep up with me Something awesome, something flying With coolness that defies gravity!’’ Where did the light go, and why is the only light out right now the spotlight shining down onto Rainbow at the moment? Spooky shit. But this is Equestria so... Meh. ’’I'm sensing you want an animal that can fly.’’ ’’Ya think?’’ Ohohohoho! Sarcasm is really funny! Wait... That means that I have to learn to fly. Well... I’ll better get to it. ’’I have plenty of wonderful creatures who soar in the sky Like a sweet hummingbird or a giant monarch butterfly’’ ’’Better, but cooler.’’ ’’Cooler? I can do that...’’ I withdrew my head into my shell, rummaged around for a bit until I found a nice pair of shades, put them on and drew my head out again. Unnoticed. Awww... ’’I see. How 'bout an owl, or a wasp, or a toucan? There's so many wonderful creatures the likes of that There are falcons and eagles They are both quite regal Or perhaps what you need is a dark and mysterious bat?’’ Since when are wasps cool? Toucans are kind of cool, but owls are just lame. Except for Owli...Owloys...UGH! Whatever Twilight’s owl is called... ’’Now you're talking. But instead of just one standout, now that's too many.’’ I don’t think I like where this is going... ’’So many choices, and such riches aplenty’’ ’’Not a bad problem to have, if you ask me.’’ Fluttershy shrugged. I groaned painfully while looking up at them from the ground below. ’’The bat would be awesome, but the wasp I'm digging too Do you have something in a yellow striped bat?’’ ’’No.’’ Whoosh, that really saved my ass... ’’I've got a hot pink flamingo, just dying to meet you’’ Gaaay.... ’’What to do, what to do?’’ Rainbow gasped. ’’A prize! That's it! There's really just one way To find out which animal's best Hold a contest of speed, agility, and guts That will put each pet to the test’’ ’’Don't forget style, that should be considered’’ ’’Then we'll know for sure who's best of the litter’’ Hey! I resent that statement... ’’The one who is awesome as cool’’ ’’Just like me Can't settle for less, 'cause I'm the best’’ Bloody narcissist... ’’So a contest we will see’’ ’’Who's the number one, greatest, perfectest pet’’ ...I don’t think ‘perfectest’ is a real word. ’’In the world for me’’ ’’May the games begin’’ They sang in unison. ’’And may the best pet win!’’ Rainbow made a cocky grin, which was borderline creepy. I gulped. Well... Now I will just have to get in on this... game for me to have a single chance on becoming Rainbow’s pet. My stomach hurts... ...Is that Derpy in the chicken coop?
I'm Gonna Need a CrowbarA/N: Wow, I really left this hanging, didn't I..? Okay... Now I just had to find a way to enter that competition. I have no idea how to do that, though... And all of the other animals in the competition has wings. I wish I was a winged tortoise... Heh, imagine how a tortoise with wings would look like. It’d look so stupid! Well, seems like I fell off-topic again... However, how the hell am I supposed to be able to beat those animals? They’re like, super fast and super cool when I’m slow and boring... And-... Why is Gummy staring at me like that? ’‘Shoo.’’ I tried to make him leave. ’’Go on, get, you stupid croc-.. alligator.’’ He just blinked awkwardly with one eye at a time. I shuddered as I witnessed that. That’s creepy. ’’Oi! Don’t tell me to leave, ya wanker. You obviously need some help here, ’ol chap!’’ Gummy chirped. Wait... Did Gummy just... British... England... Yep, there goes my brain... I just stared at him slack-jawed. ’‘You’re... You can talk?’’ I asked dumbfounded. ’‘And you’re british?’’ I took a few slow steps toward him. ’’Eh, yes, I am quite sure that we’ve established that.’’ He said sarcastically. My jaw was still metaphorically scraping along on the ground. ’‘Say banana!’’ I grinned as much as I could. The baby alligator, who I now knew to be a british person sighed and rolled his eyes. ’’No.’’ ’‘Please?’’ ’’No.’’ ’‘Pleeeease?’’ ’’I said no.’’ ’‘Pleeeeeaaaaaseeee, with some sugar on top?’’ I stuck out my lower lip and made it quiver. Gummy stared at my quivering lip before he sighed in defeat and slumped his shoulders. ’‘Banana.’’ I squee’d in delight as he said it. British accents are awesome! ’‘Now, listen to me. I have some advice for you.’’ I groaned. ’‘Bloody yanks...’’ ’‘Fine.’’ If I could cross my arms, I would have done so right now without a doubt. ’‘But it better be good advice, because that’s something I really need right now.’’ ’‘Alrighty then, lad. Here’s what you have to do. Ya got to really keep on going, even if it looks dark right now. It’ll get better eventually.’’ He sighed again. I thought about what he had told me. He was right about me being in a dark period of my life, but if a talking, british alligator says that it’s gonna get better, who am I to say no? One thing bugged the hell out of me though. Gummy had started waddling away from me, but I called after him, making him stop and look back at me. ’‘How did you get to Equestria, anyway?’’ His face turned completely serious. ’‘Never underestimate the power that is Pinkie Pie.’’ He said ominously. I gulped and nodded. So, Pinkie Pie is a fourth-wall breaking, british gator-napping machine? I am now terrified of Pinkie Pie. Again. I sighed and walked into Fluttershy’s house. I found Fluttershy in the kitchen. She was packing her saddlebags with necessities by the look of things. I walked toward her and whimpered loud enough for her to notice me. ’’Oh, is anything wrong?’’ She asked innocently. Well, something is technically wrong. I shrugged and then nodded. ’‘Are you feeling sick?’’ She picked me up and placed her hoof on my forehead. I shook my head. I’m not sick, just a teensy bit mentally unstable. What? You try keeping your full sanity when turning into a tortoise and being brought to a world of technicolor ponies. ’‘Are you... Constipated?’’ She looked away from me as she said that last word. I arched an eyebrow at her and facepal-facehoo... Well, I brought the end of the leg to my face with a smack, whatever the hell that piece of my body is called. I saw a picture of Fluttershy and Rainbow standing together next to eachother. I pointed my left foreleg at Rainbow and whimpered even louder than before. ’‘You want to be Rainbow’s pet? I threw my forelegs into the air dramatically while rolling my eyes. Hallelujah, she has seen the light in the end of the tunnel... ’’Um... I don’t know... Rainbow is really stubborn about this, but I’ll see what I can do.’’ Yes! Win! I started sprawling and Fluttershy put me down on the floor. I started marching to the door and Fluttershy followed me. As we walked out onto the path leading into town, she picked me up and placed me on her back. I thrusted my left foreleg toward Ponyville. ’‘Onwards to victory!’’ I shouted dramatically, but Fluttershy never noticed me speaking, as always. But she did giggle and trot a little faster. Here goes nothing... Fluttershy pushed me toward the line where the other competing animals were standing. She was going through somethings that I should do and similair stuff. ’‘Now, you just pay attention and try your best an-’’ Rainbow interrupted her. ’‘Seriously Fluttershy? The turtle?’’ She stared down at me with a disapproving glare. Tortoise, bi-atch. ’‘What did you bring that thing here for?’’ Thing? Aw hell no... ’‘Technically, he’s a tortoise.’’ She snuggled my shell and blabbered away about me always wanting to be somepony’s pet. ’’He won’t get in the way. You won’t even know he’s here.’’ I continued to have a little stare-off with Rainbow. She frowned however after a couple of seconds. ’’No.’’ ’’Oh, just let him try... Fluttershy shook her head. I made the best sad puppy-dog look that I I could do. I suppose it didn’t look very convincing, though... They continued to talk, I guess I spaced out for a while back there. However, I was brought back to reality when Rainbow pushed me, making me roll onto my shell. 'Shit, not again...' To my own great relief, I rolled back onto my legs without a hitch. I couldn't help but to feel a little smug about that, actually... Fluttershy picked me up after that, flew over Rainbow's back and pushed me to her face. She said something though. Didn't matter, didn't care. Too satisfied by being this close to Rainbow. Rainbow darted away from me, much to my disapproval. Eventually she agreed, but she pushed her nose toward my face. Blah, blah, something... ''This isn't a game, y'know!'' She gave me a stink-eye. I was too caught up in the moment to counter it, though... She walked away from me and said something to the other animals, I didn't really get it as I was still pretty stunned. Before I could react, she fired away. And I mean, fired away. Rainbow fire was in her wake. After that, she turned around and flew past all the lined animals without issues. She struck a sudden pose, shouted something about guts, then flew off again into the sky. She circled a cloud and made a... cloudpony? Pretty cool, actually... She landed again and posed. ''Coolness!'' So much awesome... ''Awesomeness!'' I agree, Dashie... ''Aaaand radicalness!'' Did she just..? Sunglasses... Bipedal stance... Yeah, I think I just died from all the awesome... Well, now about those games she talked about. Would it count as cheating if I break all the other contestants' wings?
