Manehatten Protection

by Black Mask the Mobster

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Comedy
Length: 2180

For two Manehattan cops, they will have to hunt down a deadly creature that was spotted in the area of Manehattan. Will they find the creature before it hurts anypony or will they just waste time on talking about superpowers they want.

In a city as big as Manehattan, anything can happen. A festival could be celebrated, a robbery could be taken place or maybe a strange creature be roaming around the streets humping faces. Whatever the case may be it is guaranteed that that citizens will be protected by the proud and strong police officers

That can even be said for two low ranking officers who just want to end their shift. But when they must hunt down a deadly creature will they focus all their attention on finding the threat or just waste time on talking about superpowers they want?

Either the way they wont get paid until the end of their shift.

Story inspired by the youtube series Civil Protuction created by Ross Scott

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-09 23:40:01 UTC

Dog Humper Monday

“So what was it we were searching for?”

“Oh I don’t know! If I did know, then I would have told you what we are looking out for. But since I don’t, then how the hell can I tell you, smart one?”

In the city of Manehattan, two cops walked through the back streets on patrol. The first cop was a pegasus with a light-orange coat and a red mane. His cutie mark was a small pistol. “Sorry Riot! It’s not my fault whenever he starts talking my eyes have a habit of closing!”

“Are you serious, Firestorm?” With a face-hoof, Riot Shield grumbled to himself. He had a grey coat and a short, ruffly, blue mane. Going along conveniently with his name, his cutie mark was a riot shield. “You know if you keep doing that, the chief is gonna be pissed at you right?”

“I’ll just tell him that I’m on a new drug where it looks like my eyes are closed, but in reality they’re wide open.”  Firestorm said proudly.

Riot Shield gave a hard look at Firestorm, but then sighed. “You’re an idiot.”

“Yeah whatever, can you just please remind me on what we are looking for?”

“Well apparently on how the chief so clearly described it, we are looking out for a three legged humper dog….. thing.”

“Humper dog?”

“Well he gave it a name, but I forgot, so I’m going to call it a humper dog.” Riot Shield stated simply, fixing his uniform.

“Wait, so you don’t know what we are looking for, then?"

“I do! I just forgot the name for the damn thing. I think he called it a sound shaker or something like that.”

“Sound Shaker…..Really?” Firestorm chuckled.

“Shut up!”

“I thought you called me the idiot.”

“Anyways! Judging on the lack of sleep, you were up doing something stupid?” Riot Shield decided to flip the subject around.

“Not really, I couldn't sleep.”

“Humph...Why not?”

“I don't know, I was just up thinking,” Firestorm said simply.

“Thinking on what?”

“If I could have any superpowers, what would they be?”

Riot Shield snorted. “You do realize there is no point in superpowers?”

“Why not?” Firestorm asked innocently.

“Because there is magic you idiot. Basically we all are superheros.”

“How?”

“Ok well, you're a pegasus so you can fly; I’m an earth pony, so I’m buff as hell and can lift heavy crap; and unicorns can levitate stuff. So technically if you look at it that way, we are all lame, basic superheroes.”

“I know that. I mean like having powers that no one else can have.”

“Oh yeah?” Riot Shield pondered for a second, thinking. “Hm…”

“You see?” Firestorm pointed out. “It’s hard.”

“I got it!”

“What?” Firestorm looked at him curiously.

“Being rich.” Riot Shield said simply.

“What!”

“Think about it, Batmare doesn't need superpowers, she’s rich! She can afford all those cool gadgets and stuff, and she has a butler.”

“But that's not a superpower.” Firestorm frowned.

“It might as well be!” Riot exclaimed just as they turned on a street corner. “Do you have any idea how long we will be working before we can retire?”

“Ummm?”

“See Batmare doesn't have to get up and go to work.”

“Well-”

“Princess Celestia has to get up and go to work.”

“Yeah but-”

“SuperStallion has to get up and go to work. Not Batmare! She can sleep AND has a butler-”

“ITS NOT A SUPERPOWER!” Firestorm interrupted.

“Whatever!” Riot Shield shouted back.

“Riot, just pick something else.”

“Ok fine, let me think.” Riot stopped and pondered “Humph...I got it, magic proof fur.”

“Why?”

“Why not? With that superpower, no one can even touch me with their stupid spells and stuff.”

“What if they’re trying to use a healing spell?” Firestorm asked, confused.

“Well in that case I’ll just...Carry a first aid with me everywhere I go. That way I’m safe and kickass at the same time.”

“Wow.” Firestorm said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

“Ok then Firestorm, if you think mine is dumb, what's yours?”

“Ha, Easy. Sexyness,” Firestorm stood up proud as they walked.

“Are your joking?”

“What, with this power no one can hit me because I’ll be too sexy to hit.”

Riot Shield remained silent as he stared at him.

“I’d be like the stallion that everypony will ship with.” Firestorm fantasized, looking up with dreamy eyes.

Riot Shield smacked him hard in the face.

“OW! What was that for!” Firestorm started rubbing the large, red mark upon his face.

Riot Shield shook his head. “You’re an idiot… I did that for all of Equestria.”

“You’re just jealous that I have a better superpower than you.” Firestorm said simply.

“Jealous?! Are you kidding me, sexyniss isn’t a superpower. It’s more like being an incredible idiot, which you already are.”

“Oh what, and magic proof fur isn't? At least with mine there’s no weaknesses,” Firestorm said matter-of-factly.

“What if it’s a stallion?”

“Pardon?” Firestorm raised an eyebrow.

“I mean, what if you’re battling a dude? Obviously no being will be able to stand against your sexyniss,” Riot Shield rolled his eyes sarcastically. “So what if it's a dude?”

“Uh…” Firestorm thought, then went wide-eyed as he realized what he meant.

“So, what would you do?” Riot asked once again, smiling in success.

“I would tell him to go away?” replied Firestorm as he was bothered by Riot’s question.

“Oh no buddy, that won't work. What if he’s just sooooo interested in you that he couldn’t bear stand the idea of getting away from you and your gorgeous, hunky body.”

“Uh…. Ok maybe that wouldn’t be the best superpower...”

“You think? I’m guessing your weakness would be the devotion and tenderness of a stallion's love.”

“Ok you win, just stop giving me mental nightmares!” Firestorm plead to Riot’s delight. “Why do you have to be a buzzkiller.”

“I’m not a buzzkiller, I’m just good at putting down your stupid ideas.”

“Whatever, let's just find this thing so I can go home.”

“To think about all those dudes?”

“Shut up!!!” Firestorm yelled at Riot who was laughing his ass off as the two continue on their patrol.

As they two cops preceded through their patrol route, Riot spotted a glorious structure just beyond a block away from them. “A look the coffee shop, wanna get them coffee I’m buying?” Riot offered Firestorm.

“Oh no I couldn't, I had five before getting to work.”

“Oh.”

“But hey I have an idea, our searching route only ends a couple more blocks away, so go have your coffee and just meet me up ahead when you're done.” Firestorm suggested as Riot liked the sound of that.

“Yeah, yeah you know what, that sounds good. Divide and conquer, I’ll see you in a bit buddy.” Riot said with delight as he trotted towards the coffee shop while Firestorm continued walking down the block

25 minutes later…

Riot walked out of the coffee shop with delight on his face as he rubbed his stomach. "Awww man, I love coffee. Forget harmony, coffee is the way of life. Now I just need to find Firestorm so I can end this stupid shift.”

Riot walked down a couple of blocks down to meet up wit his partner “Man this whole shift was pointless, good job Riot on finding the sound shaker or dog-humper or whatever the damn thing is. Uhh can’t wait to hear what the chief says after we report back in.” Riot thought as he walked up to the street that Firestorm said they would meet up but to his surprise he wasn't there “What the hell, where is he? If he got caught up talking to same mare I’m gonna kick his ass.” Riot reached over to his radio and pressed the button “Hey Firestorm where are you?” Riot asked but got no reply “Son of a bitch.” Riot mumbled but then a high pitch noise came over the radio as a female voice came over the radio.

“All officers we have 10-15 on hoof avenue, a strange creature has been spotted at the corner of the street over!”

“Strange creature, what the hell..” Riot mumbled but then suddenly realized “Oh shit that has to be the creature we're  after!” Riot realized as he reached over to his radio as he began to run towards where the creature has been spotted “This is officer Riot Shield, I’m on my way responding to the 10-15 over!”

“Copy that Riot, we are sending back up to your location over.”

“Copy that. Firestorm if you hear this head to Hoof avenue the creature has been spotted!” Riot said as he continued to run towards hoof avenue. He had to admit, he wasn't in the best of shapes as he was almost out of breath from running. “Damn it, where the hell is Firestorm?”

A couple of blocks later, Riot finally reached hoof avenue as he was greeted by a huge crowd of ponies as they seem to be circling something. While catching his breath he begins to slowly walk up towards the crowd. “Oh boy, his doesn't look good.” Riot mumbled as he got closer the large group of ponies.

“Alright everypony stand aside, what seems to be the prob-” Riot addressed the crowd as he cut threw the crowd and saw what all the attention was about. He saw Firestorm petting something that was obsured from his view due to Firestorms back turned towards him. “Firestorm?”

Firestorm hearing his partner's voice turned to face Riot “Oh hey Riot, good to see yea.”

“Firestorm where the hell did you go and why werent you responding to me on the radio?”

“Oh sorry man, to be honest with you I was getting bored of waiting so I decided to explore a bit.”

“Explore?”

“Yeah, I was going to head back and meet up with you but, guess who I found?” Riot was about to ask Fire what is he on about until Firestorm moved to show what he was covering. Riots eyes open wide as his jaw dropped to see a three legged dog monster standing there, with its four bright blue eyes, jaws full of sharp teeth and a long jagged tongue hanging from the corner of his mouth as he looked to be panting as a normal dog would do when hot.

“Holy shit!” Riot panicked as he pulled out his gun and pointed it towards the creature. At this point all the other ponies panicked at the sight of the creature and the gun so they all ran and scattered away for their lives. ”Firestorm back away from the creature!”

“His name is Spots!”

“You named it!?” Riot asked in anger “Why would you name it, it's the creature that we were looking for!”

“I know but I feel it's only misunderstood, Spots a good boy aren't you.” Firestorm said as he started to pat the monster on his head and rubbed its stomach. Riot couldn't believe his partner was this stupid.

“Firestorm it's dangerous, I don't like the way it looks, it bad news!” Riot yelled at his partner as the creature started to growl a bit. “Just get the hell out of the way!”

“Why?!”

“So I can shoot it, that's way!”

“No!” Firestorm yelled back as he stood in front of the creature “I’m not going to let you shoot it!”

“Damn it Firestorm just get out of the way!!” Riot ordered his partner has he began to notice the creature to growl really loud. Noticing the noise, Firestorm turned around to look at the creature.

Awww poor thing. See Riot now you made it all scar-” Before Firestorm could finish, the creature quickly turned around and raised its one hind leg and kicked Firestorm right in the groin, causing the pegasus to hit the ground hard.

Before Riot could react, the creature got close to the earth pony and kicked him in the chest which sent him flying into the air as he unfortunately hit a street light pole. “Ughhhh my head.” Riot groaned as he layed on the concret. The creature started hopping all over the place is it took off down the street, away from the two down officers.

“Firestorm!!” Riot screamed as he still couldn't get up, due to the pain.

“Riot are you okay!? Firestorm yelled out in a wheezed voice to the crushing blow to his groin. “Don't worry, i'll come and help you. As soon as I can feel my balls again!”

Firestorm, next time ill just shoot you instead!!” Riot screamed as he was trying to to cry over the horrific pain. As he was about to reach over and radio help he began to hear something coming towards him. Riot looked over  to see the creature coming back and heading straight towards him. Before he could react the creature lunged right towards him and proceed to hump his face.

“AHHHHHHHH GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!!!!!” Riot screamed as the creature was humping his face.

Awww see, the creature really was misunderstood!”

“FIRESTORM!!!!!!”