Retroactive Ethical Tangent Conversion/Obliteration Nationals

by Masterweaver

Rating: teen
Tags: Mare Do Well, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate, Main 6, Drama, Comedy, Bon-Bon
Length: 4386

Sometimes problems crop up. Sometimes they must be fixed. That's where the RETCON crew comes in!

Twilight Sparkle and her friends have learned many lessons. Sometimes, they weren't the right ones. Sometimes, they needed a little outside help to get it good.

Luckily a squad of battle-hardened therapist spies were appointed by Celestia to keep things on track.

....which begs the question of why she had a squad of battle-hardened therapist spies on hoof...

Written for FTP 14. Cover art assembled from pieces by Zacatron94, joeycrick and light262, DewlShock, and Whitelupine.

Published 2016-09-13 20:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-13 20:20:01 UTC

You walk out, they drag you back in...

Barnyard Bargains was a bustling business before sunset, but betwixt the moonlit hours barely any being braved the bleak, dark shelves by their own choice, befitting the byzantine build of the bulwark.

So, while her hooves broke the silence of the night, Sweetie Drops couldn't help but wonder why she had been called to this place.

Obviously it was a clandestine meeting. That much was clear from the coded missive she had received. Less obviously, though, was the purpose behind the meeting--she was retired, honorably so, and the only ponies who could have sent her that message would have to know that. Very few things would convince her to rejoin the corps.

She shuddered at the memory of the bugbear...

A flicker of light caught her eye, drawing her attention to the unicorn turning around a shelf. "...Minuette?"

"Sweetie Drops? OH MY GOOOOOOSH!" The blue mare rushed forward and pulled her into a vice-grip hug. "IT'S BEEN AGES! You didn't have to arrange a secret get together just to chat, you could have just dropped by my place! How are things with Lyra? Have you asked her out yet? I heard you two are LIVING together now, that must be awesome!"

"I didn't arrange this!" Drops managed to squeak out. "I got a message telling me to come here--"

"What, really? Me too!" Minuette gasped, dropping Drops (who took the time to refuel her lungs). "Oh my gosh. What if we're here for a top secret mission, like the old days? Oh my gosh, can you picture it? You and me, fighting monsters again! I AM SO EXCITED!"

"I seriously hope not," the earth pony managed to spit out. "Ugh. I've put those days behind me, and if Celestia thinks I'm going to just go waltzing back into danger--"

"Agent Bonbon. Agent Colgate."

The two mares sprung into fighting positions... only relaxing when the speaker descended into the light of Minuette's horn glow. The new member was swathed in a violet jumpsuit, strips of midnight fabric around their ankles, face enveloped in a matching, skin-tight mask, and a cape billowing from their shoulders. Even without the symbol on their clasp, the swished back fedora made the newcomer's identity all too clear.

"Agent M," Minuette breathed.

Sweetie Drops glowered. "Been a while."

"Yes." The masked individual nodded. "It has."

Minuette gave Sweetie Drops an astonished look. "Wait, you've met Agent M?"

"The Trottingham incident." The mare didn't take her eyes off the other agent. "I was there."

"...I regret Trottingham as much as you--"

"Like hay you do!" Drops shouted.

"Sweetie Drops, what are you doing?!" Minuette gestured at their jumpsuited companion. "This is Agent M! That means that whatever we're here for must be super important!"

"I don't care if Celestia sent her right-hoof saboteur, I am retired and I'm not packing up to head on another mission!"

"You won't have to," Agent M assured her. "In fact, your current residence is exactly why you were selected."

"A mission in Ponyville?" Minuette mused. "Well, it is close to the Everfree, I guess it makes sense--"

"Let me make this absolutely clear," Sweetie Drops hissed. "I am done. I am through. I have a life, and I will not be pulled back into the world of shadows!"

"Not even to prevent a code Eclipse scenario?"

The words snapped through Sweetie Drops' anger, reaching suppressed instincts and pulling them to the fore. Her face went from growling to cool sternness, her ears popped up and inclined forward, her stance slid back into a cool readiness.

"Explain," demanded Agent Bonbon.

Agent M pulled back their cape, revealing a hidden pouch, and produced a photograph. "What do you know about this mare?"

"Oooo, that's Twilight Sparkle," Minuette gushed. "Me and Lyra were friends with her--well, I say 'friends', she always had her snout stuck in a book, and really we were just the ones next to her back when we first joined Celestia's school for gifted unicorns. Now Moondancer, she had this whole thing with Twilight--I dunno if it was a crush or anything, but they would always read books together, style their manes the same way, never talked to anyone unless the other was there... Poor filly was devastated when Twilight was sent to Ponyville. Oh, she's also Celestia's personal student, an educated unicorn with a 9.5 power rating, and just stopped eternal night by curing Celestia's sister of her insanity." She chuckled awkwardly. "I'm guessing that's the relevant part?"

"...yes." Agent M nodded. "While the details have not been revealed entirely to the public, in order to cure princess Luna Twilight had to align herself with an artifact known as the Element of Magic."

"Sounds pretty powerful," Agent Bonbon mused.

"Indeed. It has been separated from Twilight. However..." Agent M trailed off, the implications clear.

"...Twilight would never go against Celestia!" Minuette protested. "She practically worships the mare!"

"Perhaps. But Twilight Sparkle was not the first unicorn Celestia attempted to groom for element alignment. I'm not authorized to reveal the details, but... suffice it to say, the princess feels that Twilight requires moral guidance at this juncture."

Agent Bonbon rose an eyebrow. "Moral guidance."

"The Element of Magic is only a part of a greater set," Agent M explained. "To our knowledge, it cannot be used on its own, however... that may not be the case. And while Twilight would not want to disappoint Celestia, her logical mindset might lead her to experiment or encourage others to act 'for the greater good.'"

Bonbon shuddered, memories resurfacing. "I see."

"Celestia has arranged for Twilight to reside in Ponyville while she learns about friendship, which will hopefully ground her enough to prevent any... ethical lapses. That said, there is a need for some oversight." Agent M nodded to the other two. "Which is where we come in."

"Wait..." Minuette frowned. "Are you saying it's up to us to keep Twilight from learning the wrong lessons?"

"Indeed. Or at the very least, clean up her mess when necessary."

Bonbon blinked. Then Sweetie Drops rolled her eyes. "Oh come on! All this secrecy just, just to play secret moral guardian for a spoiled rich filly?"

"Okay, wow." Minuette glared at her. "First of all, I'm a spoiled rich filly. Secondly, Twilight is not spoiled."

"Your task is simple," Agent M interjected. "Agent Bonbon, you will keep an eye on Twilight Sparkle--pass on messages of potential moral quandaries or dubious situations. Agent Colgate, you will use your time related skills when necessary to alter situations or arrange for us to be there. I will be the operations agent, affecting things from the shadows."

"Sounds pretty standard," Minuette commented. "Okay, I'm in!"

"Who's in charge?" Agent Bonbon asked suspiciously.

"You are in charge of assigning missions. Minuette and I are in charge of completing them."

"...fine." Bonbon sighed. "Since apparently we're not going to take no for an answer, fine."

"Alright!" Minuette pumped her hoof. "Team Moral Guardian is a go! Actually, I don't like that name, can we get a new one?"

"The princess has assigned this operation the title of Retroactive Ethical Tangent Conversion/Obliteration Nationals," Agent M replied.

"That's... a long name."

Sweetie Drops mouthed the words for a second or two, before facehoofing. "She didn't."

"Did what?"

She turned to the blue mare. "Minuette... we're R.E.T.C.O.N."

"Oh." Minuette blinked. "Oooooh! That's actually pretty funny!"

"Celestia has this weird obsession with acronyms." Sweetie Drops sighed, turning back. "Whatever. Agent M, when should we--?"

Agent M was gone.

"...of course. Always like that." Sweetie Drops shrugged. "Well, whatever. Let's get out of here, Minuette. I have a bed to get to."

"Ooooooh. Does it have a green unicorn in it?"

"One day, you're going to get drunk and I'll finally have something to hold over you..."

Secrets, questions, and a lack of answers

"I thought we were supposed to keep a low profile," Agent Bonbon snarked.

"Saving the mare was the right thing to do," Agent M replied. "Nobody else was nearby. It was a calculated risk."

"Oh, sure. And what about the carriage? Or the construction site? Or the flipping dam, huh?"

"...I have no idea what you're talking about--"

"Don't give me that! The Mayor just announced a parade in honor of 'the mysterious Mare Do Well'. Do you really think dozens of ponies waving around your face on posters--?"

Agent M's eyes snapped to her. "Say that again."

"Yeah, a parade for you, 'Mare Do Well!' What, are you not actually a mare?" Agent Bonbon tilted her head. "Seriously, are you a stallion? It's really hard to tell--"

The costumed saboteur rushed past her. "This situation just became Comet-code. You're with me."

"What?" Agent Bonbon snorted and rolled her eyes, even as she followed after. "Why would you sprouting an ego be a comet-code--?"

"Aside from the mare, I have been in hiding this whole week. If somebody has taken my image, even to save others, then our security has been compromised--doubly so if the public knows what I look like."

"Nobody knows what you look like! You--well, Mare Do Well was wearing that mask the whole time, even when they used their magic to repair the dam!"

"...Used their magic--?" Agent M kicked up their hooves. "Full report on the Mare Do Well situation, all sightings, all actions."

"Uh, well, first there was you saving the mare from the balloon--that's when the Mare Do Well name came around--then there was the carriage that Rainbow Dash tried to save but couldn't, and Mare Do Well saved those ponies by bracing it with their hooves. After that there was the faulty construction equipment, Rainbow saved one pony and Mare Do Well saved the rest... then the dam. I think Rainbow was there too, actually. And Mare Do Well did a flyby, which is weird given that she just used magic--"

"I'm upgrading this to a code Meteor."

"What? Why?!"

"You're not authorized to know that information."

"Not authorized--?!" Agent Bonbon huffed. "If an enemy has infiltrated the Corps, I'd think I'd be darn well authorized!"

Agent M didn't even spare her a glance. "Current mission is capture and if necessary termination of Mysterious Mare Do Well, without any witnesses. You find out the path of the parade. I will arrange for--"

The pair halted as another costumed individual rushed by, furiously pursued by a particular cyan pegasus.

"...huh." Agent Bonbon glanced after them. "So, do we follow, or--"

"Stall the mayor. I'm handling this myself." Agent M rushed off after Rainbow and her prey.

"What--?! Oh for the love of--!" Agent Bonbon stomped her hoof, turning and galloping away. "I don't even know what's going on!"

It took not a moment for Agent M to catch up to the pair--only for another Mare Do Well to come shooting out of an alley, redirecting the blue pegasus. The agent took that in and made a snap decision, leaping up to the roofs. As they watched, more and more Mare Do Wells continued to run interference on Rainbow, until at last she managed to pin one and unmask them.

"...Pinkimena?" Agent M whispered to themself.

The other three Mare Do Wells revealed themselves--Twilight and the rest of her friends, sans Rarity who came up unclothed. Agent M crept closer, listening carefully to the words they said, to their explanation.

To their method.

To their justification.

Something in the saboteur's soul snapped.

Just as the group turned to leave, just as they were about to walk out, Agent M slammed down in the ground in front of them. "How. Dare. You."

Rainbow blinked. "Uh... Rarity, who is--?"

"I wear this, because I have enemies. Enemies that would kill me. Kill my family, my friends, if they knew who I was." Agent M pointed at Rarity. "You took this image, not knowing the risks, not knowing who I was, not even caring! And for what? To take your friend down a peg?!"

"Ah...." The alabaster unicorn stammered. "I... well, she needed--"

"Yes, her arrogance was problematic. And so is yours. If you wanted to save lives, you could have done so without the getup. All that you gained from the suit? Recognition. Recognition, which you would have received anyway. You risked your lives, your friends' lives, for nothing. For less than nothing. For a chance to rub your friend's nose in the dirt." Agent M scoffed. "This is the group that saved Equestria twice. I would have expected far better."

Rarity drew in on herself, flushing.

"Burn the suits."

That got her attention. "What?! But they're--"

"Burn them. Scatter the ashes. Before sunset. Or I will personally ensure that your reputation in Canterlot becomes equal to that of Tye Dye."

"Now hold on just a cotten-pickin' minute!" Applejack stepped forward. "Ah know you're angry and all, but you don't have any right to--"

"Et combures eum the hostes solis."

Twilight's eyes snapped wide. "...We should do what Mare Do Well says--"

"That is not my name," Agent M deadpanned.

Applejack turned to Twilight. "What? She babbles off some nonsense words and--"

"Trust me on this, AJ. We should do what he says. ASAP." Twilight started taking off her suit. "In fact, right now is good. Right here right now. Yeah."

Rainbow blinked. "But what about the parade? The mayor's going to be--"

"I will handle the mayor." Agent M snorted. "And cancel the parade. Ponyville has seen enough issues as it is. You do not want to become a target."

"Look here, you may have frightened Twilight but Ah ain't gonna--"

Agent M fixed Applejack with a glare so intense, that she gulped.

"...Ah ain't gonna... gonna take no--"

"Is that your sister on that roof, miss Applejack?"

"Wha--?" Applejack looked where Agent M pointed, saw nothing, and turned back.

Agent M was gone.

"Why--why that no-good, dirt-trodden--!!"

"Don't." Twilight shook her head. "Just don't. I know what that phrase means and trust me, that pony was being nice. Now get out of your suit."

Pinkie frowned. "Wait... was that a mare, or a stallion?"

"It doesn't matter! JUST BURN THE SUITS!"

Life, Death, and the Ethics of Individuality

"So, uh... I wanted to thank you." Minuette rubbed the back of her head. "For, you know, deprogramming me and the girls after that thing with the changelings. I didn't know you could do that, honestly..."

Agent M said nothing, merely adjusting some equipment they were experimenting with.

"I mean... I know there are, like, tons of mental spells and all, and the hospitals are filled with them. So, I'm guessing it's totally possible for a licensed doctor to, you know... have figured all that out. In a week. And you just took a glance, and zapped us, poof done. So that's a week of being in a straightjacket you spared me." Minuette coughed. "That's... pretty impressive, you know?"

Click click click went the metal arm that Agent M was fiddling with.

"...I'm just saying, if there's a standard changeling method for mental magic, and you knew it, that wouldn't be wrong or anything, it would just suggest that... you might possibly, uh, be a changeling? Which I'm totally alright with," she reassured quickly, "because you've proven that you're not an enemy of Equestria, and maybe you were the one that warned us in the first place, so thanks for that too I guess?

Agent M focused a lens, peering through the microscope.

"So.... if you are a changeling... are you, like, a boy changeling, or a girl changeling? Or do changelings not have gender binary like that? Do you just have one gender and a scaling of, uh, male to femaleness.... or more than two genders? Are there any pronouns that I should learn? I mean, if it's all buzzy, I might get it wrong but I'll try to pronounce it right--"

"Agent Colgate, what is the defining trait of changelings?"

Minuette blinked. "...They... change?"

"Correct. I wear this disguise to hide my identity. If I were capable of shapeshifting, I would not need a disguise. Ergo I am incapable of shapeshifting. Therefore, I am not a changeling."

"Oh." The blue unicorn paused. "Do you mean, like, you're not culturally a changeling because you can't shapeshift or that you're actually a different species? Because I can see how not being able to shapeshift could wreck your life if you are biologically a changeling--"

"What are your observations on Twilight and her friends at this time?"

"Huh?" Minuette had to take a moment to readjust her thought processes. "Oh, let me check!" Screwing up her eyes, she let magic flow through her horn, eyes glowing white. "Applejack is raising a barn--"

"Reasonable."

"--Fluttershy is having a tea party picnic with her animals--"

"Not outside the norm."

"--Lyra and Sweetie Drops are laughing together--"

"Irrelevant, although that is favorable information."

"--Rainbow Dash is lounging by the pool--"

"Given her earlier work, I am unsurprised."

"--And Pinkie Pie--GANH!" Minuette winced. "Oh sweet Celestia! What was that?!"

Agent M turned from their work. "If she is engaged in private activities--"

"Oh, no, thank heavens, it wasn't anything like that." The blue unicorn rubbed her horn. "It's just... I got like a hundred pings back when I searched for Pinkie."

"She does have an abnormal quantum capability--"

"Yeah, but I only usually get, like, two or three pings?" Minuette shook her head. "This is, literally, a hundred or something. That's a lot of Pinkie, which... too many. Hold on, I'm going general for a moment."

Her eyes glowed again.

"...Okay, wow. Uh, Agent M? Is there some secret cloning machine in the Everfree Forest? Because literally dozens of Pinkies are pooring out of it."

The costumed saboteur sighed. "Not again..."

"Okay, I take it you know what's going on?"

"Yes. Unfortunately." Agent M backed off from the microscope, ruffling through their desk. "At some point, Twilight and her friends will try to round up all the Pinkies. When that happens, meet me on the edge of the Everfree."

"Wait, how do you know they'll try to round up all the--?"

"There's a book with a quick solution hidden in the library. Twilight Sparkle will probably find it and, after some deliberation, find a way to utilize the solution. You will need to inform me of her plan as soon as she enacts it. Until then, Ponyville will have to suffer through prolonged Pinkie progeny." Agent M gathered together a strange set of equipment and tied it together under their cape. "Good luck and good fortune--"

"You know, I could just go with you and keep an eye on Twilight with my spell," Minuette pointed out.

"...ah. Yes. Well."

"You were planning to hop across rooftops again, weren't you."

"...no." Agent M shook their head. "That would be ridiculous."

Minuette fixed them with a small smile.

"...although as I must maintain peak physical health at all times, it would be a decent workout."

"Mmmmhmm." Minuette didn't stop smiling.

"...Very well, we shall walk." The masked saboteur shrugged. "I doubt we'll be noticed among the crowd of Pinkie Pies."

"There you go then!" Minuette fell into step behind Agent M as they trotted out into one of Ponyville's alleyways. "So... what are we doing anyway?"

"The mirror pool that miss Pie most likely used is an impressive feat of magical engineering, capable of generating long-term constructs from any given template. While the constructs generally operate under incomplete matrices, they are capable of self-direction."

"A self-directed construct? I thought that was supposed to be impossible!" Minuette frowned. "They'd... they'd be like pets, or maybe children."

"Indeed. The creator of the mirror pool, or at least the most famous user, was... darkly inclined. He would use it to create an army, and if any of the soldiers proved... less than reliable, he would invert their power schema." Agent M sighed. "Unfortunately, his diary is the book that Twilight will likely find."

"Invert the power schema... that would send them back to the mirror pool... that would kill them." Minuette's eyes widened. "Oh sweet Celestia, that's... monstrous!"

"Which is why we are taking this equipment. It will capture the matrix of any and all constructs who are translating to the mirror pool and construct a fuller, more complete matrix. After that, all that is needed will be enough power to run the completed construct... who will have to be relocated," Agent M admitted. "At least this way, we prevent Twilight from conducting murder."

Minuette frowned. "Shouldn't we... tell her?"

"...No." Agent M shook their head. "At the moment, she is still... recovering from the wedding, and Sombra's influence. It's best to leave her assuming she's still morally upright."

"Right."

The two walked on, the sound of the Pinkies around them drowning out all other noise.

"So... are you a self-directed construct? Cause, you know, I'd have no problem with that... Oh, are you a construct from a changeling that found the mirror pool? I mean, that's okay too!"

"Agent Colgate, please drop the matter."

Unusually Destructive Friendship Lessons

"THESE BUGS," Agent Bonbon growled. "THESE FLIPPIN' BUGS. I was on the middle of a lunch date with Lyra, and all of the sudden--"

"Oh, you two are finally getting it on?" Minuette asked as she blasted another set of spherical gremlins into oblivion.

"It was a friendship date." The cream mare smashed some of the insects as they floated near. "Really we were just hanging out, sharing pie. Nothing big."

"It's all the little things that matter," the blue unicorn mused, trapping a small swarm in a sphere of force and collapsing it.

"Look Minuette, if you want us to get together or something--which is totally creepy--you're going to have to let us do it in our own time." Agent Bonbon crushed a passing Parasprite against a wall. "I mean, seriously--Oh what now?!"

Rings of magic spread out from an undisclosed source, halting the parasprites in their path. For the briefest of moments, it seemed as though their rampage was over.

Then one took a bite out of a sign.

"...What in Celestia's name." Sweetie Drops watched as the spherical bugs went to town on... the town. "Did some idiot just upgrade the magic locust balls?"

"...Not just some idiot," Minuette replied. "Our idiot. That magical signature... it's Twilight's."

"Well, that's just peachy," Drops grumbled. "First that thing with the star-bear, and now THIS! And Agent M isn't around to help, again."

"Agent M was busy keeping the Ursa Major occupied while Twilight handled the Ursa Minor--"

"Oh, really, you believe that?"

"Well, where else would the violet starfur have come from?"

"I wouldn't put it past Agent M to have faked that." Drops groaned as a Parasprite started nomming on a table. "Honestly, Trixie was a showmare! Why did everypony not realize that?!"

"Why didn't you point that out?" Minuette countered.

"Our job is keeping Twilight on the straight and narrow. If her friends are idiots, that's their problem."

"She's learning morality from her friends."

Sweetie Drops glowered at her. "Don't you even. Don't you even."

"Isn't it kind of implied that we govern their lessons too?"

"AAAAAARGH. I told you not to even--what is that?!" Sweetie Drops' ears twitched. "Is somepony actually playing a polka in the middle of this?! What in the world is going..."

Her voice trailed off as the spherical insects began bouncing to the beat, following the player--who of course was Pinkie Pie--out of town and to the edge of the Everfree forest.

"...Huh," said Minuette.

"What," said Sweetie Drops.

"Huh," repeated Minuette, as though maybe saying it again would provide an answer.

"....No, hold on." Sweetie Drops shook her head. "It cannot be this easy. It can't!"

"Never look a gift horse in the mouth," Minuette recited.

"Why would I care about Lyra's dental health?"

The blue unicorn shot her a look. "Okay, seriously, no. That's not even funny."

"Look, all I'm saying is this makes no sense. Why is Pinkie playing a polka? How is this fixing things? How did she know? Why didn't she tell anypony?" With a grunt, Sweetie Drops followed after the ponies following after Twilight. "You know what? I'm going to go look into this."

"Don't break cover!"

"I'm not going to break cover, I wasn't the one that was kicked out of the corps!"

"That was totally a misunderstanding!"

With a roll of her eyes, Sweetie Drops continued her walk, catching up to the pink pony just as she was returning. "So. Music. What the hay."

"Oh, yeah, Parasprites respond to music right off the bat."

"...you knew what those things were."

"Yepperoni."

"And you didn't tell anypony?"

"Well, why do you think I spent all that time looking for instruments?"

Sweetie Drops sighed. "Pinkie Pie, how many ponies do you know that can read minds?"

"Well, Princess Luna is supposed to be able to walk in dreams, and I think Twilight might have a mind-reading spell, and missus Cake always knows when I sneak a bite at the icing--"

"Okay. Rephrase: How many ponies do you know that regularly read minds and can interpret what you're thinking at any given time?"

Pinkie frowned. "That's an overly narrow superlative."

"MY POINT IS: If you have something to say, you need to say it! CLEARLY! CAREFULLY!" Sweetie Drops waved at the destroyed town. "Not go off on obscure treasure hunts and expect ponies to just get what's going on!"

Pinkie nodded for a moment. "Okey dokey loki! Oh, by the way, do you have a trombone? I kind of need it to finish the song."

"No."

"I do!" Minuette announced, revealing a trombone.

Sweetie Drops gave her a look. "Where did you get that?"

"Our Mmmmmmutual friend gave it to me earlier. Said I'd find it useful."

"....Of course." Agent Bonbon groaned. "Of flippin' course."

Minuette looked from Sweetie Drops, around at the wrecked town, and back to Bonbon. "...Yeah, okay, I can get why you're a little stressed over this all."

"A little, she says."

"Wanna go find Lyra?"

Sweetie Drops inhaled, considered the question, and gave a quiet sigh. "You know what, I'm too tired to fight this. Sure. Let's find Lyra so you can innuendo at us all day."