Bill and Discord's Afternoon Tea

by Calliope Pony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Crossover, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Gravity Falls
Length: 1729

Bill Cipher finds himself in the magical land of Equestria. Discord cordially invites him to tea, but unfortunately this place is only big enough for one spirit of chaos.

Bill Cipher finds himself in the magical land of Equestria. Discord cordially invites him to tea, but unfortunately this place is only big enough for one spirit of chaos.

Contains spoilers for the Gravity Falls series finale.

Published 2016-09-06 16:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-06 16:30:01 UTC

Would you care for a cucumber sandwich?

“MY TIME HAS COME TO BURN. I INVOKE THE ANCIENT POWER THAT I MAY RETURN!!!”

Bill Cipher felt the blue flames creeping closer to consume and erase him from existence. With his last few precious moments he cried out the incantation, invoking the name of The Axolotl. On the one hand, it was a big gamble. Use of the incantation would only ensure that he was reformed somewhere, somehow, somewhen. He had no way of knowing where in time, space, or the multiverse he would end up. On the other hand, Sixer and his idiot brother had pulled a dirty trick: a desperate trick he never would have expected.

Bill couldn’t fathom why anybody would willingly give themselves up. He knew humans did stupid things, but this was practically beyond his comprehension.

It made no difference now. Any gamble was better than being erased from existence. He had the chance, and he would take it.

The flames began to consume him, but then the feeling changed. The incantation took effect, and he was pulled away and hurtled through the multiverse.

Time twisted, and dimensions spun around like teacups on a carnival ride. Space pulled, stretched, and pushed back on itself. At last Bill felt himself taking shape in some new world.

***

Bill surveyed the dimension he had landed in. It looked like an idyllic meadow, dotted with trees and flowers. Songbirds and butterflies fluttered through the air, and gentle rays of sunshine gave the whole place a warm, welcoming appearance.

“Oh great! This dimension looks like if diabetes vomited all over a greeting card.” He tried turning one of the birds inside out. His magic had no effect. “Wonderful. I’m stuck in the mindscape here too. Looks like I can’t do any damage unless I can find some moron to help me out.”

At that moment space once again twisted on itself, and another creature popped out of thin air. It was a tall creature with a furry, serpentine body and mismatched limbs, horns, and wings. The creature gave Bill a long look with his yellow and red eyes, raising his brow in a half-curious way.

“Hm… I knew I felt a strange distortion in space-time, but I have to say, I wasn’t expecting a cyclopic pyramid to be the cause of it. I do love surprises, but this is quite unexpected.”

“Hey there, Freakshow! You look like the work of a drunken taxidermist. I like it. Can you tell me where in the multiverse I ended up?”

“Well pardon me, but I do hate getting into a conversation with someone when we haven’t had a proper introduction. My name is Discord, Spirit of Chaos. And who might you be?”

“Spirit of Chaos, huh? This place is finally looking up. The name’s Bill, Bill Cipher.”

“Bill Cipher? That’s an unusual name. Now what is it you were asking about the multiverse?”

“Oh nothing much, I just took a little tumble through dimensions, and I was hoping you could tell me where I am.”

“You are in the country of Equestria, planet Equus-Earth, Dimension MLP-G4-CPFF.”

“Is everybody in this place a walking assortment of spare parts like you?”

“Oh heavens, no! I am one of a kind! But here now, let’s get a little more comfortable so we can chat.”

With a snap of his fingers a table and chairs appeared in the middle of the meadow. The chairs were nicely upholstered, and the table was spread with jam and crumpets and cucumber sandwiches. A pot of tea was steaming, and two delicate china cups sat beside a sugar bowl and cream pitcher. Discord seated himself, and the teapot levitated into the air to fill the cups.

“Do you take one lump or two?” As he asked the sugar bowl hopped over to Bill’s teacup and held its tongs at the ready.

Bill stared. (Or perhaps he was simply looking. With one round eye it can be hard to tell.) “Tea parties? Seriously? I thought you said you were a Spirit of Chaos! Don’t you have anything less boring to do?”

“What would you suggest?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Russian Roulette? Bringing nightmares to life? World domination?”

“Hm, been there, done that, sown my wild oats. Actually Luna did a much better job with the nightmares than I could have managed. Nowadays I mostly just entertain myself on a small scale. I did take over the world a couple times, but I found that that just wasn’t really fulfilling.”

“Well, in that case I guess I’ll have to take over this world on my own. See ya, Freakshow!”

Before Bill could depart he heard a snap and found himself seated at the table with a steaming cup of tea in front of him.

“Oh now, don’t be in such a rush. Have some tea.” Though Discord’s tone was just as polite and affable as it had been before, there was a slight warning edge to his voice that Bill picked up on.

“Now if my senses are right, you are confined to the mindscape. Which means that you’re planning to seek out some sap to make a deal with so you can possess a body. That’s the only way you can interact with the physical world unless you manage to get a form of your own. Am I right?”

“You read me like an open book, Pal. What’s it to you?” Bill felt his sense of danger steadily rising. Whatever this creature was, it had powers of Weirdness similar to Bill’s own. However, it was not confined to the mindscape as he was and could likely do pretty much anything it wanted. It probably also viewed this dimension as its own territory and (despite its outwardly friendly demeanor) was assessing Bill as an interloper.

“Nothing much, except I feel the need to inform you that I would not take kindly to your possession of any of my friends. For that matter, if you possessed anyone here I would probably have Princess Twilight on my case, thinking that I’m at fault. And that, of course, would be simply ludicrous!” An angel’s halo momentarily appeared above his head as he bit into a cucumber sandwich.

Yep, the creature was definitely warning Bill to stay off its turf, but Bill thought he saw an opening.

“You have some princess on your case, telling you what to do? Oh man, Buddy, do I feel sorry for you! Don’t you ever just want to cut loose and do what you want?”

Discord’s eyes narrowed, though his tone remained flawlessly polite. “Nice try, but you’re not the first person to try that tactic on me. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… and I’d never hear the end of it from Fluttershy. Or that pesky lagomorph of hers. The last guy who tried that trick wound up backstabbing me. Me!” Discord affected a martyr-like demeanor. “And now he’s banished to a crummy little cave in Tartarus.”

The warning came through loud and clear. Bill was about to reassess the situation when Discord visibly brightened.

“I must say though, you are much better at looking the part of a negotiator than he was. That raggedy old cloak was most unbecoming. The simple top hat and bow tie look is very nice: simple and sophisticated. Rarity would approve. Now I’m not much for formal wear myself, but I do enjoy treating myself every once in a while.” With another snap Discord was arrayed in a bright orange tuxedo. “What do you think? I know it’s too much for afternoon tea, but don’t you think the color brings out my eyes?”

Bill had just been nearly erased, banished, and stranded in an unknown dimension. If he’d been at full power and had his hench-maniacs then maybe he could have tried a coup here. As it was he knew he couldn’t beat Discord, and he would be wise to retreat and try to regain his strength. Besides, this wasn’t the dimension he wanted. He really wanted to get back and get revenge on Sixer.

“Okay, okay, I read you loud and clear. This dimension is all yours, Pal. I’ll leave it to you if you can help me get back to where I came from.”

Discord’s tuxedo vanished. “If you were thrown out then why do you want to go back?”

“Oh you know, I have some personal scores to settle.”

Discord looked at him consideringly. “Well, as fun as it would be to have someone to discuss chaos-based magic with, I get the distinct impression that you would be nothing but trouble for my friends. So all-in-all I think it’s best if I escort you out of this dimension.”

“Great! Just let me pack my things… oh look I don’t have anything to pack! Whenever you’re ready just open up that dimensional portal, and let’s get going!”

Discord continued musing as though he hadn’t heard Bill. “On the other hand, I know Fluttershy would be terribly disappointed if I gave you assistance in doing what I know you’re thinking about doing.”

“Hey what’s the deal? Are you going to help me out of this dimension or what?”

“Oh yes, certainly. I’m just thinking about which dimension to send you to.”

Well that sounded promising. At least this freak could get him from one dimension to another. And any place would be better than this cotton candy rainbow-fest.

At last Discord clapped his mismatched hands and smiled. “Got it! I know a lovely little dimension that will be just right for you!”

Without further ado Discord used his talons to rip open a dimensional portal. Bill tipped his hat and made his farewell.

“Well, I wish I could say it was nice meeting you. Any time you want to help me turn some people into meat puppets feel free to look me up.” Discord conjured a handkerchief and waved goodbye as Bill glided through the portal.

***

Bill stared aghast at this new dimension. The entire environment, down to the trees and houses, looked like something Shooting Star would have doodled with finger-paints and crayons. The creatures walking around even looked like the sock puppets she had made.

As Bill hovered a local in a sombrero came bouncing over to him.

“¡Hola, Amigo! Soy Señor Huevos. ¿Cómo te llamas?”