Chapters Face Punching is Magic
I stared at the screen of my TV with frustration running it’s way through my mind and body. I had just finished binge watching the entire series of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. As much as I loved the show I couldn’t help but feel that every single episode could have been solved in moments with a little common sense, a perhaps the liberal use of fists. Every moment my frustration grew until it reached a breaking point and I screamed out loud.
“AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!” I screamed as I stood in the center of my dingy one bedroom apartment. My hands were locked in the shape of fists and my face was nothing but a visage of pure unadulterated rage.
I stepped forward and glared at my tv as the series began again from the first episode. I watched it again and soon the second part of the opener started. I continued watching until I saw the mane six enter the Castle of the Two Sisters. My rage overcame me again and a fist flew forward, intending to destroy the contraption that was the source of my frustrations. However what happened was far from what I had suspected.
As my fist hit the screen the glass layer warped, my fist and half of my arm moving through the screen and disappearing. I tried to pull it out but it held fast. As I pulled as hard as I could a great force dragged on me in the opposite direction. I fell forward, my head falling through the screen before the rest of my body joined it.
The world turned to black for a moment and I felt myself falling. Hours seemed to pass as the black turned into a bright white. It was so bright that I was forced to clench my eyes as tight as I could and cover them with my arm. Suddenly the white fell away and ground rushed up to meet my falling body.
The moment before I hit the ground however my body stopped in mid air before whatever force was holding me up disappeared. I landed heavily on a dark stone floor. As I stood up while trying to ignore the pain in my body I looked around at my surroundings. Old and crumbling dark stone walls surrounded me. The area looked like a hallway of some kind and there were numerous faded and ripped banners hanging from the walls.
Without any idea of what else I was supposed to do I decided to walk in a random direction down the hallway. A few minutes later it opened up into a massive room with a large strange looking object in the center. As I looked around the room further I noticed I wasn’t alone. There were several creatures in the room and all of them looked very familiar.
Somehow I was watching Twilight Sparkle and all the others confronting Nightmare Moon. The mane six were all floating as Purple Smart recited their experiences together and the element they represent. When all of them had their necklaces I spoke up.
“What the bloody hell am I doing here?” I yelled to no one in particular.
In shock everypony in the room yelled out in surprise. The mane six all fell to the ground, their new jewelry hanging from their necks and Twilight’s head. Nightmare Moon stared at me with a dumbfounded expression on her face.
“Huh, apparently I interrupted your friendship cannon. Whatever.” I said flippantly as I walked up to the corrupted Princess of the Night.
The mare in question stood there still frozen in shock and continued to freeze as I grabbed her by the neck and lifted her to the sky. I pulled a fist back before plunging it into her face while screaming at her.
“ARE” *punch* “YOU” *punch* “STUPID?” *punch* “ETERNAL” *punch* “NIGHT” *punch* “WOULD” *punch* “KILL” *punch* “EVERYPONY!” *punch*
As I delivered each punch to the face of the black alicorn black shards exploded from her body and by the time I was finished talking I was no longer holding up the same pony. She had turned from a tall black alicorn into a tiny blue one. I threw her down to the ground and walked off but not before turning to the confused and horrified faces of the assembled ponies behind me.
“This is Princess Luna, take care of her. Oh and tell her if she makes the Tantabus I’ll be coming back for her.” I shouted at their dumbstruck faces.
I walked off at a quick pace. Soon I found myself crossing a bridge before entering the Everfree Forest.
An hour later I finally pulled myself out of the treeline and saw Ponyville arranged before me. The sun rose swiftly as I entered the town and I used the new found light to spot my target in the distance. I walked up to the giant tree library... thing and opened the door. Walking inside I lay down on the couch and within moments was asleep.
My last thoughts were this.
Well that was fun.
The Ticket Puncher
I awoke to a gentle prodding on my hip. As I wasn’t ready to wake up yet I let loose a powerful punch in the direction the prodding came from. I felt my fist hit something and then whatever it was flew back and I heard it hitting the wall. I smiled as I heard a young male voice call out in pain. With the annoyance taken care of I swiftly fell back to sleep.
I woke again several hours later to the sound of harmonious singing echoing around the large room I was sleeping in. I heard a gasp before a voice called out. “Fluttershy, not you too.”
The singing stopped and Fluttershy began to talk. “Oh, hello Twilight. I hope you don’t mind but we are all doing a little spring cleaning for you.
Twilight answered in an annoyed tone. “It’s summer.”
“Oh well better late than never right? It was Angels idea.”
“You’re not just doing this for the ticket, are you?”
“Ohh no. I’m doing this because you’re my very best friend.”
“FUCK NO.” I cried, finally getting up from the comfort of the couch I had been sleeping on and opening my eyes.
I walked up to Twilight and swiftly attached my fist to her stupid face. “Stay here and don’t do anything stupid.” I ordered her. “I’ll go fix this because you are too stupid to figure it out yourself.”
I ran out of the tree and sprinted my way through the town, ignoring all the shocked looks of the ponies around me. A few minutes later I reached the train station and walked up to the ticket booth.
The stallion behind the counter looked at me with a confused and fearful expression. “Give me a ticket to Canterlot now!” I shouted at him while punching the glass that stood between us, which promptly shattered into nothingness.
The stallion whimpered before sliding out a slip of paper and hiding as well as he could in the open air booth he was standing in. I grabbed my ticket and walked over to the benches. I sat down and waited for the train.
Ten minutes later a loud whistle broke me from my stupor. I looked around and spied a train approaching quickly in the distance. Within moments it was stopped before me and I stood before walking over to the train door and opening it with a quick punch that left the door dented but open. I pulled it shut behind me before walking up to the front of the carriage and punching open the door separating the passengers from the engine.
A tall earth pony mare looked at me with shock. With a light punch I broke her from her stupor and she switched her expression to one of pain and fear.
“I need to get to canterlot as fast as possible. Make that happen.” I ordered the fearful mare.
Immediately she nodded and turned around, shovelling massive amounts of coal into the furnace with a shovel firmly grasped in her mouth.
Satisfied that my order was being carried out I turned around and headed back into the passenger carriage. I sat down and let myself fall back into the land of sleep.
Sometime later I woke again, this time to the sound of a voice speaking to me. “Ex-excuse me sir. Please wake up. We are in Canterlot now.” The voice said with a strong tone of fear.
I opened my eyes and saw the engine mare I had punched earlier staring at me. Without another thought I launched myself off my seat and ran off the train. All the ponies at the station froze when they saw me but I paid them little attention as I ran off the station and in the direction of the gigantic castle that rose up nearby.
Several times guard ponies tried to stop me as I ran to the castle but each time I taught them how to fly with a powerful swing of my fists, even the non pegasi. I sprinted as fast as I could through the town until I came to a large entrance guarded by several ponies of all tribes.
“Halt!” They cried out to me.
I launched myself forward and unleashed fist after fist into the ponies that dared bar my way. As I launched one after the other into the air or nearby walls I spoke. “Hello gentleman. I don’t suppose you know where I could find Princess Celestia, do you?”
By the time I had finished asking my question only one pony stood before me, he was shaking in his armor as he stared at me with wide eyes. “I-I” He stammered. “I ca-can take you to her.”
“Good, take me now.” I ordered the fearful pony.
He immediately turned and ran with me following close behind. We passed through winding corridor after winding corridor until he stopped at a large double door. “She-she should still b-be in day court right n-now.”
I calmly sauntered forwards into the large, ornate room before me while ignoring the annoyed shouts of ponies all around me. I walked up to the grand white marble throne at the end of the room and stared at the tall white pony that sat upon it. Before she had a chance to say something - it probably would have been stupid anyway- I slogged her across the face and yelled at her. ”Send Twilight five more tickets you fucking moron.”
With my message delivered I walked off before any of the ponies could react. I sighed before speaking to no one in particular. “Well, I guess I should get back to the library.”
Boast Punchers
“Ha ha! Ya did it! Growing magic, that's number twenty-five. Twenty-five different types of tricks and counting. And I think this is the best trick so far. Hello, Rarity. What's that? Aw, it's nothin', just my awesome mustache.”
Loud voices woke me up from my precious slumber. I groaned and stood up to glare at the offending creatures that were the cause of my current awakened state.
“Shut the fuck up Purple Smart and Purple Lizard. I’m trying to sleep.” I yelled at the pair.
“No! Just get out of my library.” Purple Smart yelled back.
I laughed at the balls the tiny colorful pony was showing. “You know out of respect for the amount of courage it took to say something like that to ME I won’t punch you this Purple Smart.”
I then walked up and punched the tiny lizard thing hard enough to launch him out of the closed window.
“Hey! Why did you do that?” She cried with a particularly pathetic look on her face.
“I said I wouldn’t punch you. I didn’t say anything about your little slave.” I answered as I moved back to the ever so comfy couch I had taken ownership of.
“Uggghhh I guess I’ll have to go find him again… and he’s not my slave.” She added weakly before leaving me in peace.
“Sure sure Twerklight Sprinkles.” I said to no one in particular before falling back into a dreamless sleep.
Sometime later I woke up and noticed I was still alone. In boredom I decided to get up and take a walk around the town. The sun had just started to set and… there was a giant starry bear standing in the middle of the street roaring at a pony I realised was the Goofy and Pathetic Trixie. She was trying to subdue it by levitating a rope around its claws which it prompt broke. Just like it would probably break her just as easily.
I stepped up to the ‘great beast’ and raised a fist. The star bear took that as a challenge and tried to swing a large claw at me which I blocked with a well timed punch to the striking limb that sent it spinning around rapidly and pushed it back several metres as well as making a sound not unlike a tree branch snapping. The beast sat there holding it’s now very obviously broken arm. I took a step forward and watched as the opponent I had hoped would be at least a match for me took a fearful step back.
Needless to say I was disappointed.
I took another step and it turned and ran as fast as it could on its three remaining working limbs. I raised my arms triumphantly to what I realised was a completely empty street. “What’s the point of fighting an Ursa if no one is around to see how badass I am?” I screamed to the empty street.
As I cried that out a large thumping noise began in the distance which seemed to get closer with each repeat. Several noises past before the ground began to shake with it. Coming towards me was the largest living being I had ever seen. In its paw was the crying form of the Ursa Minor I had soundly defeated.
The beast was large, larger even than the castle I had seen when I punched Celestia and when it saw me standing there it roared loudly.
I think I’m going to be deaf for the next few days. Meh, I’ll just punch my ears better.
Not intimidated at all by the beast that decided it was to be my next opponent I strode forward within punching range of its leg. With one swift punch I broke the creatures thick leg bone causing it to howl and fling its progeny off into the distance while falling to the ground. I immediately followed that up by walking over to its head and landing a second blow that lifted the injured beast from the ground and launched it back the way it had came.
A loud crash in the distance signalled its landing. With both of my opponents completely defeated I walked triumphantly over to a broken caravan on the other side of the wide street. I lifted up a large section of wood and glared at the tiny blue pony that cowered there. “So how is great and powerful now?” I shouted at her.
She looked up at me with wide eyes and gulped before stammering. “Y-You are sir.”
“Good!” I answered before punching her in the face and walking off, laughing as I heard a small grunt of pain echo from the destroyed structure.
Fus Ro Shy
After a long morning of punching my way through the Everfree Forest I found myself stepping of the tree line. Immediately my breathing was interrupted as clouds of dark smoke trailed through the air. “What the fuck is this shit?” I cried out in frustration before punching the air in front of me, clearing it of the offensive gaseous substance.
I looked up into the sky and the smoke was wafting over in great clouds from the mountains in the distance. With a frustrated sigh I looked around and saw that none of the vapid little ponies were around for me to order them to tell me what was causing the smoke. With my avenue of investigation unavailable I did the only thing that made sense; walking to the edge of town and heading off in the direction the smoke was coming from.
Every few metres I was forced to let off one of my amazingly awesome punches to clear the air enough for me to be able to breath without choking. This is probably one of the only times I wish I was one of those damn ponies only because they are so much shorter than me and therefore don’t have to duck under the smoke filling the air.
After a long punch filled walk I found myself at the base of a tall mountain. Looking up I could see that the large cloud were coming from an area very close to the summit. The only problem was that the path up was very steep and even with my awesomeness I couldn’t possibly walk up at such a steep incline. My options limited I did the only thing I could think of; I punched the rock creating a hole perfect for my hands and repeated that process ad nauseum.
With my incredibly intelligent plan I swiftly climbed up the incredibly steep mountain face. About half way up I found myself alighting on a flat surface which I promptly pulled myself up. I looked back down from where I have climbed and reminded myself how badass I was for my great feat of punching ability and endurance. The height didn’t bother me. I was simply far too incredible for something so simple to upset my stone-like will.
I followed the path until I reached a small chasm that I walked over because the stones separating it were super close together. After that I saw a group of ponies travelling along the path I was on. Of course the bloody mane six ponies were here and as usual they were being all spazzy and as expected Yellow Quiet decided she was going to scream in an avalanche area so I like the absolutely boss guy I am sprinted forward and punched all the rocks and dirt before it could hit them.
“What are you doing here?” Purple Smart asked while giving me her usual pathetically weak pony glare.
“Stopping this choking shit because you are all too weak to do it yourself.” I yelled at her before moving behind them all and one by one attaching my fist to their faces with great force, expelling them from the area with such great power and precision that they each were launched all the back to town and through their respective front doors.
With that task done I continued on with my journey.
After a few more minutes and a hard slog up the steep path I found myself facing a large opening in the side of the mountain which the great clouds were coming from. I stepped inside the large cave and soon found myself staring at the sleeping form of an immense red dragon upon a large amount of gold and jewels..
Without another thought I glared at the creature before I opened my mouth and shouted in my incredibly manly voice. “Oi dickhead! Stop this smoking shit! I’m trying to breath over here.”
The Dragon opening one eye before standing up and giving a great big yawn, seemingly ignoring my words. He then lay back down and let out another cloud of smoke, this time directly into my face.
“Ohh you fuckin did not!” I yelled.
I stepped forward and let loose an anger filled punch directly into the dragon’s eye. The eye exploded from the force of my punch and the dragon was flung backwards its large claws grasped to its scale covered face as it roared in pain.
“There! Now get the fuck outa here!”
Instead of following my excellent advice the dragon decided it would be an excellent idea to swipe at me with a claw it had extracted from its face. Insulted that the brute didn’t respect my words again I decided that enough was enough and punched the ground which launched me into the air until I was face to face with the big red creature. With a cool spin in the air I delivered a powerful roundhouse punch to the side of its face. The creature was knocked into the wall of the cave which dislodged a large rock from the ceiling, crushing the disrespectful creature.
I pulled a backpack out of nowhere and collected as much of the dragons horde as I could before I turned around, walked calmly out of the cave and headed off home, safe in the knowledge that I was the toughest, most badass guy in the world.
Punch Before you Sleep
A loud clap of thunder woke me from my precious sleep and the slamming of the library door that followed only served to reinforce the extrication from my sleep. I opened my eyes to see three of the bloody main characters of this stupid world standing in front of me.
“Oi Fleshlight Spankle. What are Background Horse and White Supremacy doing here?” I yelled at the infuriating mare.
“My friends are here. In MY HOME because I invited them. Not like you who just decided to take over my couch sixteen hours a day.” She said while levelling a glare at me.
I promptly walked up to the bitch who thought she could impose her will on me and my ownership of said couch. Immediately I thrust a fist into her disrespectful face, catapulting her into a nearby wall that was already inlaid with a crater shaped like a tiny lizard thing.
“This is my couch!” I shouted as the mare slowly pulled herself back onto her hooves and looked back to her friends who had somehow not noticed my great feat of manly violence.
“Uh, do be a polite house guest and go wash up please, won't you?” An annoying overly cultured voice spoke from the other side of room. Prompting Background Horse to grumble under her breath before going outside.
I ignored the two mares inside as I watched the earth pony trying to clean her hooves with a hose in her mouth and laughed when she inevitably sprayed herself in the face. When she came back inside I decided to make my move to solve the obvious problem. One that Book Horse had not noticed due to being a complete spaz.
“Hey Trailer Trash, Marshmellow. Come over here.” I ordered the two mares with a firm voice.
Against their own wills they walked up to me. Obviously they couldn’t help but follow my orders due to my natural magnetism. When they were standing directly in front of me I raised a fist and pointed it at them.
“Now!” I shouted while closing my eyes. “You two are going to go on some stupid argument because you are apparently so damn different. Well you’re bloody well not. You’re two ponies who for your own reasons live your lives in different ways, but you know what? You’re still bloody ponies living life as best as you can.”
When I opened them I saw the two ponies looking at each other guiltily.
“He’s right Applejack, we are just acting silly.” Rarity said to her orange friend.
“Yeah he is. I’m sorry, Sugarc-” I cut her words off with a punch to the face that was soon mirrored on the white one.
“Now fucking keep it quiet!” I yelled before taking my place back on MY couch and closing my eyes.
Bridle Wallop
Today I decided to get an early start on showing all the ponies in town how great I am by strutting around the streets while flexing my herculean physique. After an hour or two of making all the mares fall in love with me and all the stallions jealous. Even that apparently huge Big Mac pony. I decided it would be a good time to head back to the library and get in a quick nap before repeating the process later. Just in case I missed out on a few ponies who didn’t already know of my greatness.
When I entered the library however I immediately fell to the floor laughing when I noticed the group of ponies that stood before me.
Twerklight Sprinkles stood there with her horn flopping down and covered in blue spots, Background Horse was the height of an apple, Gay Pride’s wings were inverted and moved down to her lower body, White supremacy was a ball of frizzy hair, Butter Horse looked normal and The Pink One was try to speak through an over engorged tongue while spitting on everything in sight.
Seeing this on the show was one thing but actually walking into the library and seeing it for real? I collapsed, literally ROFLing at the hilarious sight. All the ponies turned to look at me with expressions of anger and shame at being seen in their current state before turning back to Book Horse and blaming a hooded figure they had chased into the Everfree Forest the day before.
At this wanton act of bigotry I stopped laughing and stood back up to my feet. I stomped a booted foot to the ground, stopping the ponies in whatever stupid words they were saying. They all looked at me with their usual looks of fear. Except for Gay Pride who I think tried to fly at me but instead found herself crashing into a bookcase behind her.
“Are you all seriously so stupid?” I yelled at them. “You see a pony in a cloak and looks a little different from what you’re used to and you immediately think she is some ‘Evil Enchantress?’ That is the height of bigotry and you should all be ashamed of yourselves.”
The gathered ponies looked at each other with guilt added to their fearful faces. I took a step forward and they all backed up, Background Horse jumped on her sister’s back so she could get off the table she was standing on.
“Now listen carefully.” I said while punching Spike into his usual crater in the wall where he hung limp and unconscious. “That Zebra, because that is what she is, warned you away from the blue flowers and you stupidly didn’t listen to her because you were too obsessed with your own theories and fear.”
I took another step forward and they all backed up again.
“Now you are all to go find her and she will give you a cure, do you understand?” As one the stupid ponies nodded and I grinned. “Good, now piss off and do that.”
With that I sprinted forward until I was behind all the ponies and before they even noticed my movement I punched the air, causing a powerful gust of air to form behind them and fling them out the open front door.
I let out a final grunt of anger due to their simple-minded prejudice before returning to my wonderful couch.
Apple Punch Season
I was walking around Ponyville when I heard a loud commotion and all the ponies started running around scared. A raspy voice called to the entire town. “STAMPEDE!”
I watched as Applejack herded the approaching cows away from the town before running off back to her farm.
With a groan of frustration I walked off in the same direction, plodding along the dirt path that I knew lead to Sweet Apple Acres. After several minutes of walking I found myself at a white gate that I hopped over easily.
In the distance I could hear a loud thump, followed by the sound of multiple solid objects hitting wood. I followed the sounds to find an orange coated mare with apples emblazoned on her ass. I walked up to her as she struck another tree and watched the cascade of apples fall into carefully arranged buckets.
“Applejack!” I yelled at the mare. She turned around and looked at me with the familiar look of fear that all the ponies have reserved for me.
She looked to be about to run away so I sprinted up to her and gave her an intimate encounter with my fist. The earth pony immediately was launched into another tree nearby which divested it of all it’s apples into yet another collection of buckets.
“Get some help or I’ll come back.” I shouted at her.
Immediately I turned around and began the long walk back to Twilight’s library. The couch was calling me.
Griffon the Punch-Off
Ponyville’s market was bustling with customers as I walked up to the carrot stall. The pony behind the stall handed me a bag full of fresh carrots free of charge because she knows that my face punching skills are so awesome after I showed her last week.
It’s funny that all the ponies just give me free food whenever I walk up to them. I bet they just know how great my skills are and do it to honour me or some shit. Deciding I had enough food for the next couple of days I started walking back to the library.
As I passed under a strangely low flying cloud I looked up and saw a heavily chromatic tail peeking out the side. I stared at the cloud and punched in it’s direction. It immediately broke up and a cyan pegasus fell to the down. I walked up to her and pointed my fist in her direction. Rainbow Dash’s face broke into a look of pure fear. I calmly looked back at her and whispered. “No.” She immediately nodded before climbing to her hooves and flew away.
After getting a quick nap I decided to walk around town again. As I approached the market I watched as a familiar Griffon stole an apple for a nearby stand. I walk up and leaned against a nearby building. When Gilda passed by I called out to her. “You’re a bitch and no one wants you here.”
The griffin froze in shock before looking over to me. Her jaw dropped while looking at my badassness. Then her expression changed to one of anger. “How dare you say that to me!” She screeched before flapping her large wings and darting towards me.
She flared her claws and swiped them at my chest. I dodged sideways a step before swinging an arm forward, catching her directly on the beak. Gilda flew back, landing heavily against the side of a building. Unlike all the other ponies the irate griffin stood up and roared before pouncing at me again. Again I dodged and with a fist launched her back into the market square, scattering nearby ponies as the griffins large form crashed through them.
I charged forward and lifted her feathery body up by her throat. The griffin struggled under the powerful grip that was making it hard to breath until I brought one powerful fist back and launched it forward, impacting Gilda’s face and propelling her away until she was nothing but a speck in the distance.
I laughed as I mumbled to myself. “Looks like Team Gilda’s blasting off again.”