Adorable Adaptable Amusing Atrocious Shorts

by Glen Gorewood

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Queen Chrysalis, Random, Zecora, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 6374

A series of short one shots of assorted topics and genres.

A collection of one shots, crossovers, and other short stories that are everywhere at once and yet nowhere. Content will never be above rated T for Tenacious, but no genre is safe from this compilation of super shorts.

Sit back, grab some shorts, grab some popcorn, enjoy these shorts as they appear.

Warning may contain:
Gore, Goofiness, Randomness, Silliness, Innuendo, dry humor, unusual acts, and quite a bit of chaos.

Possible appearances by: Everybody, everyone, everything, every pony, every dog, every dragon, every planet, every hero, every possible thing I come up with and can't make into a full length story for now goes here.

Note: Some shorts may eventually spawn full length stories, any that do so will be color coded and linked for your convenience.

Almost forgot- If you down vote please post as to why, it helps writers improve.

Published 2016-09-23 04:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2017-02-06 00:21:33 UTC

Octavia tries something different.

Octavia was a musician of the classical form, the most beautiful soul inspiring form of music and song. She takes great pride in her work, spends hours on writing the lyrics and musical scores. Her work was at the top tier of classical music, the epitome of musical form, and all of her peers agreed. Octavia should have been booked up for a decade at least. Her talent in a range of instruments but most importantly her violin came about once a century. Her voice had a range that broke the existing one, even her room mate Vinyl Scratch ( really DJ P0N3) agreed she should be at least as popular as her alter ego.

Unfortunately for her, nobody seemed to want her style of music. They wanted her competition, Sapphire Shores with her lyric based pop music topped the charts. Deft Pump was one of the most sought after acts in alternative, even more so than her room mate's alter ego.
For crying out loud Cheese Sandwich, a party planner, was booked for concerts for the next three decades, Three!
And the mysterious Madam Butterfly, that temptress of soul and blues who rarely performed, sold out every time she was even hinted to have a show. And then there was Pop Senses, Wissh, Dark Temptation, Cyber Hind, and Royalty.
Even that old classic group from the griffon kingdoms , The Back Alley Colts, was a bigger hit than her and they were known to be scripted.

It just wasn't fair, sitting on her bed looking at her violin Octavia just couldn't help thinking how completely unfair this whole mess was.

"Why couldn't I have been born in a time long ago,
alongside Mach and all the rest.
Why can't I get a break you know?

Why must my music barely sell,
while hacks manage to book till death.

I am so completely sick of this,
my skills are always tossed aside.
Even my room mate under a different name,
Gets more attention than I!"

Octavia jumps up and begins acting out her lyrics, showcasing her frustration in a new and innovative way. Hooves and hips moving in time to the lyrics and gestures acting out what she wishes to convey.

"I'm so sick of this game,
It's pathetic I say,
I've got talent baby,
Book me today!

All the hacks and the colts,
don't deserve what they get,
So come on every pony
Book me today."

Grabbing the only clothes she has that aren't second hand, her mother's old party clothes Octavia tosses them on. One bright pink polka dotted tank top, four fluffy faux manticore fur leg warmers,one multi tiered cupcake skirt, and a massive fancy hat topped with more fake manticore fur and covered in rhinestones. To top it off she adds clip on bright blond hair pieces. Officially a fantastic mess she grabs a hair brush and belts out how she feels for all to not see. Continuing her act from earlier she sings.

"Every day I wake up,
to a rumbling in my form,
I can barely afford to eat,
just like when I was born.

All the other walking by,
in their fancy designer clothes.
I can barely afford a hat,
from the bargain burros."

She poses dramatically by the window for effect, laying against it her free hoof caressing it and staring to the sky with longing.
She then spins around and strikes a pose with a fierce face, showing all her emotions to the window.

"I'm so sick of this game,
It's pathetic I say,
I've got talent baby,
Book me today!

All the hacks and the colts,
don't deserve what they get,
So come on every pony
Book me today."

Prancing and dancing in front of a window for an invisible audience. She doesn't notice the small crowd gathering with thier jaws dropped outside watching her.

"Tonight I'm going home,
To an empty closet oh,
I just want to perform,
to crowds everywhere I go

Is it too much to ask,
to want to be loved and desired,
come on just let me play,
and light my inner fire!

I'm so sick of this game,
It's pathetic I say,
I've got talent baby,
Book me today!

All the hacks and the colts,
don't deserve what they get,
So come on every pony
Book me today.

Just book me today,
book me today.
My talents ready book me today.
Yes book me today,
Book me today.
Oh come on just let me playyyeyaaay!"

Collapsing against the window itself, out of breathe Octavia starts crying. It really isn't fair that nobody wants to book her act.
Ignoring the sounds of frantic cheers and her room mates hoof steps running downstairs, she allows herself to wallow in her misery.
Blocking out everything she rolls over and picks up her enchanted musical score book, sighing she tosses it aside. Glancing at the similarly enchanted lyric book she rolls her eyes at it.

"There is no way any pony would ever want me to perform that! It's just a complete mess of lyrics and musical score.." She says in a half exasperated sigh half groan. Tossing the brush aside she wallows in her proverbial sea of sorrow until she hears a door slam shut and lock.

The rapid hoof steps up the stairs are followed by her door being flung open by her room mate, Vinyl Scratch.
Her room mate whose face looks both shocked, exhausted, and terrified at the same time. Three expressions that should never exist on a mare's face at the same time. Breathing in deep gasps of air she stares at Octavia, before speaking between gasps.

"You..never..Told..Me.. you had.. an alter ego..Octavia!" The last word is emphasized by an aggressive hoof smack to the door.

Octavia stares at Vinyl Scratch dumb struck, her jaw moving up and down making no sound before she manages to say.
"But I don't...really vinyl..why would you think that?" Her mind can't grasp what is going on.

Vinyl now shares her expression, then races her hoof and promptly smacks her face. Rubbing her temple she says in a calm yet slightly annoyed voice " Of course not. You would never have an alter ego, I should have known."

Octavia rolls her eyes, still laying against the window in her horrible costume.
"Well of course not, now really Vinyl dear why would you ask such a thing?"

Vinyl sighs before removing her hoof and after a deep breath responds.
"Because you do now."

Octavia blinks once, twice, three times before replying in a flat tone.
"What?"

Vinyl repeats herself to her room mate and close friend.
"You do now."

Octavia just stammers a few nonsense syllables before lengthening her question.
"What do I have now?"

Vinyl leans against the door and stares straight into her best friend's eyes, making absolutely sure she understand what will be said.
"Octavia, you now officially have an alter Ego."

Octavia just repeats "What?"

Vinyl continues her explanation well aware of the consequences of what she has done.
"She is called Marey LaLa"

Octavia just stammers "What? How? When? Why!?" in an increasingly loud volume, her timbre causing vibrations through the house the two share.

Her room mate Vinyl was well used to this kind of outburst and answered her questions in order.
"Your alter ego in the music world is named Marey LaLa. She came to be due to that performance and song you were doing earlier, by your window, that was partially open." Pointing at the obvious crack in her room mates window for emphasis, causing her to turn a shade of pink.

"As for when, more or less the moment the crowd calmed own enough for the well renowned agent Certain Fame to ask me who the amazing, stupendous, revolutionary pop music sensation he had heard was. Why she had to exist is quite simple."

As Vinyl had continued her explanation Octavia had turned a darker shade of pink and shrunk smaller and smaller with each word.
When the word "pop music" left her room mates lips her brain just froze. This can't be happening, it isn't real, no way there is no way this could be happening to her. And Certain Fame, the agent who only took on guaranteed hits had liked that monstrosity she had made? This was too much, far too much for her to handle.

Vinyl took a deep breathe before telling her obviously tense room mate the last bit of news.
"The reason why is Marey LaLa is now booked solid for two years, complete with a contract with Certain Fame for a guaranteed pay of no less than 450,000 bits a concert. Plus a sixty percent royalties on all songs for life for Marey LaLa, front of the line priority perks for all events, and all the other positives of becoming Equestria's next pop superstar. Congratulations Octavia, you've made it.." The last bit was delivered in an apprehensive tone, Vinyl could see the reaction building in her room mate's face.

Octavia was stunned, this was amazing. Beyond all her wildest dreams in classical music, she was rich beyond reason, loved, famous in less than an hour. And all due to a stupid, randomly created, badly written, emotionally charged song. This was really what the people wanted.

Raising her hoof to her face she lightly tapped it, before lowering. In a voice seething with annoyance, irritation, and shock said but a few words that held the absolute purest form of her opinion at that moment.
"You have got to be kidding me, that's all it takes to be famous? Music is dead."

And with a crazy kooky smile on her face she jumps on her bed like a maniac and shouts to the world.
"Long life Pop!"

Author's Note

I give you Marey LaLa, yes that's right I just made a Lady GaGa expy out of Octavia. Her future involves crazy costumes, emotionally charged lyrics, and booked solid concerts for a minimum of ten years.
Oh and Music is dead, long life Pop!

Edited for typos
Parody song based on Lady GaGa's born this way
MLP is the property of Hasbro and creation of Lauren Faust

The Mailmare Cometh, Bearing Books to Infinity

Ponyville Market Street

Through the streets of Ponyville a grey coated yellow maned mailmare swerves left and right, barely missing crash after crash as her aerial antics cause quite the chaotic panic in the streets. From her hooves fly packages towards their intended recipients , landing every which way.
Many in very comical and illogical places.

On a mare's head, a stallions neck, and a perfect bank shot into a barrel full of clover. With a minor adjustment to her flight path she zooms past a muffin stand, the owner of whom promptly sees a small pile of bits in place of four missing muffins.

Eyes focused on her last stop for the afternoon ,she makes a sharp turn accidentally toppling a vendor stand filled to the brim with tomatoes. As the classic aspect of comedy explodes out into the streets, a delicious puree of pulp and red tomato skins landing like confetti upon the populace; the ditzy derpy mare carries on oblivious to the scene behind her.

Eyes narrowed with pupils going opposite directions, she races straight ahead and prepares to deliver the rather unusual box to the Library of Ponyville. A living tree that she really thinks should be more muffin shaped like another place in town. A tree that is getting closer rapidly, very rapidly, it's so close she can almost feel the.. *Crash, thunk, bonk *

The incredibly hard surface of the enchanted door that used to guard the entrance to the Library. Now it lays under her hooves, hardly damaged but most definitely no matter attached to the door frame. Hinges bent back widely, Derpy likes to think they look kind of like muffins.
Turning her head she sees two shocked faces staring at her, one a purple unicorn mare with dark purple mane and tail decorated with pink streaks. A cutie mark of a star muffin with five star muffins around it on her flank, her jaw is looking rather silly just hanging like that moving like a fish. She really should be careful or she'll drop that *thump* book she was holding in her magic.

The second is a small purple and green dragon child, posed on top of a chair arm reaching out towards a pile of unsorted books. His eyes are bugged out of his head, and he has this look on his face like those goofy cartoon characters when something silly happens.

The library itself except for the door is perfectly fine, no damage or missing muffins.
Quickly moving the delivery from her back and onto the door with practiced ease and hoof skills. Derpy Hooves Mailmare of Ponyville, poses with one hoof on the box and the other out stretched a goofy derpy grin on her face.

"Hello Twilight, and Spike Muffins. Your box of muffins is here, that'll be two muffins for delivery." She says in her best attempt of professionalism.

Twilight Sparkle just stares at the grey pegasus posing ridiculously on her previously perfectly attached to the library priceless door. Regaining control of her mouth she clears her throat and walks over to Derpy while trying to keep herself under control. The eye twitching probably isn't helping her at all though.

"Well thank you Derpy but I didn't order anything. That can't be my package, I'm sorry for the mix up. But here have some muffins for your trouble." Using her magic Twilight lifts two muffins from a nearby platter that were meant for a snack later. After all Librarians don't live on words alone.

Happily accepting the muffins and stuffing them in her muffin bag, Derpy stays put and cocks her head.
"But Twilight, this box of muffins says it is to be delivered to the great library tree of ponyville. I may be mare with muffins on the brain, but I know my mail routes like I know my muffins. "

Twilight now close enough to see the package label raises an eyebrow.

Thinking a little about what she said Derpy rewords her previous statement.
"I know most of my mail routes like I know my muffins. And just look twilight muffins, the label on the box of muffins agrees."
Moving to the side to give Twilight a better view of the package, Derpy steps off the door and waits. Eyes darting around the lirbary looking for a book on muffins.

The purple librarian sighs and decides to humor the rather insistent mailmare. After all what's the worst that could happen?
Looking down at the package which seems to be made of antique wood, she focuses on the label in question. To her shock it does indeed say what Derpy claimed.

"Deliver to:
Current Librarian,
Ponyville Tree Library,
Ponyville Equestria,
On the thirst of Aprul, year of celestia XXXX.

From:
Equestrian Literary Archives,
Canterlot castle, Equestria."

Despite the language itself seeming a little dated the package seems to be addressed to her. As the current Librarian Twilight was the only possible candidate it could have been meant for. Picking up the package with her magic and moving it inside she gestures for Derpy to follow. The mailmare does so happily, accidentally tripping on the edge of the door causing it to flip back up into place in the frame.
Spike watching the exchange just shakes his head and heads over to where Twilight Sparkle has set down the package in the middle of the room.

"What do yo think it is Twi?" He asks with childish curiosity, sniffing the box a little before looking at his sister expectantly.

Reaching out with her magic to open the box Twilight smiles "I have no idea Spike, but let's find out."

Derpy pops up behind Spike to stare at the package, slightly startling the poor dragon. "I hope it's muffins.

Opening the magic seal and grasping the latch of the box with her magic Twilight rolls her eyes.
"I highly doubt it's muffins Derpy, it must be.."

The moment her magic lifts the latch out of the locked position the lid of the box flies open and a flash of magical smoke explodes into the faces of two ponies and one dragon. From deep within the box an ancient, wizened, voice of a stallion cries out in triumph and joy the fateful words that will forever be emblazoned into history.

"I give you all knowledge that has ever been or will be. I give you... Books to Infinity!"
The last part echoes through the library in a chorus of power as a magical spell unleashes it's long held burden onto those present.

Books, scrolls, tomes, and letters of all types explode from the open box piling up all over the library in haphazard stacks. The flood of knowledge is unstoppable, a torrent of paper and covers flying everywhere in a rhythm of chaos all it's own. As if unleashed from a great white hole the deluge buries the nearby table and grows to engulf more of the library fast than Pinkie pie can eat a cake.
Derpy Hooves giggles and leaps onto the top if the pile as it grows more and more, riding the tide of books while squealing "Muffins, so many muffins hehehehe."

Panicked Twilight turns to Spike as they back away from the perpetual knowledge fountain brought forth from the ancient container.
The poor dragon cries out in fear "Twilight what's happening?"

The Librarian's face has turned a new shade of purple, steam is beginning to vent from her ears. She has detected a insanely huge amount of magic within the box, a spell set to a self feeding and perpetuation mystical conduit system. And only one pony in all of Equestria could possibly manage a spell of this magnitude, and would be so audacious as to create such a thing. Only one prank happy Alicorn would ever think of this, eyes narrowing she says in a irritated voice.

"Spike, I want you to use your magic fire to send a note to Princess Celestia.."

As Twilight grabs a piece of paper and begins to quickly write her note along with a special addition Spike look at her with a worried face.

"Twi, what are you going to do?" he says in a timid and concerned tone.

The purple unicorn smiles deviously, comedic revenge clouding her mind.
"Just sending a thank you note to my favorite teacher."

The little dragon nods and prepares to use his fire. Twilight having neatly sealed the letter tosses it at him, his green flames turning it to wisps of smoke that fly out the window.

A few minutes later the deluge of infinite wisdom slows, raising her hoof to the air in triumph Twilight Sparkle shouts to nopony in particular.
"Ha, nobody pranks Twilight Sparkle and gets away with it!".

Meanwhile in Canterlot Castle beginning a few minutes earlier.

Princess Celestia is enjoying her brunch of tea and cake in the dining hall. A smile upon her face as she prepares to take a bite out of a scrumptious piece of angel food. Mouth open for one taste of that heavenly cake, she barely closes her mouth in preparation to shew when a loud "Pop" resounds through the room.

"Pttthhooowa"

The Princess of the sun reacts on instinct, cake flying out her mouth like a stream of water from a hose in a cake spit take. Wiping her face daintily with a napkin, she turns to the source of the offending noise. To her relief it is only a letter from her favorite student.

Opening it with a smile she calmly says "I wonder what my precious faithful student wishes to talk about at this hour of the day."
Eyes scanning the page her jaw slowly drops further and further down in shock.

Dear Princess Celestia,
I do appreciate your gift of knowledge you sent me,
It's truly a never ending source of joy.
In fact I love it so much I want to share it with you.

Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle

PS Nobody Pranks Me, Nobody!

acnar sharna telemos, portos infietos linksus

Seconds after reading that last line the letters glow bright as the stars. Sensing something coming Celestia dives behind her chair as a massive storm of books and literature come exploding out of the scroll.

Endless volumes of knowledge from all times and places, piles of literary classics and bad fanfiction sit side by side. The never ending torrent quickly begins to fill the room as the Princess of The Sun's face takes on a mortified priceless look.
Just as she is about to shout to the heavens and swear revenge, a letter floats onto her nose.

The insignia and mark is ancient, yet one she recognizes after all this time.
Carefully opening it her eyes roam back and forth over the content. A writing script in a form not used since hundreds of years past.
One written by a very familiar hand, partway through the letter the script flashes like a bulb blinding her. As she reaches the end she tenses up, lungs bursting in frustration. She can't believe it, he did it, he got her back. It took hundreds of years but that tricky old sneaky over powered mischievous little genius of a Unicorn had gotten her back.

To my old friend Princess Celestia,

I hope thou art enjoying mine greatest post mortum achievement.
As thine know many of my spells and travels were never officially documented,
I can't blame thou after all the spicy cake incident did set thou a teensy bit on fire.
And the night of the flying guards, the infinite frosting floors,
oh and we can't forget the "Prince for a day" spell now can we.
Oh I remember those looks on thine face, so priceless,
in fact I have collection of them in my room.
No thou will never find it.

Pardon me while the trans era translation spell kicks in.
Also say cheese.

Photorna transmium captius

I have no doubt you are wondering why this letter was included in
a deluge of literary lore exploding from nowhere.
Well my dear Celestia let's just say that this is my last and best
huzzah to you and Equestria.
You see I knew in life I could never get you back,
you were too good, too alert, and I too well watched.

So I decided to get a two in one in after I had kicked the hay.
Hide most of my spells and research,
as well as those I gained from my time traveling expeditions.
No I didn't hide them physically, that would be silly,
You see I invented a infinite storage space spell when I was in my thirties.
However it had one drawback, you could put any amount of anything
you desired in with no limits.

But if you tried to get one item out the rest would follow in a flood,
with no way to stop it.
It was a stroke if genius to combine all the lore,
all books all knowledge from before to infinity
with my storage spell to create what you are experiencing.

My amazing, stupendous glorious post mortum revenge!

And the best part, the current Librarian was in on it.
No she had no idea, but I knew by the time my little gift was delivered you would
be the only pony left with the sense of humor and power to pull something like this off.
This is what you get when you try to out prank the greatest wizard to ever live!

Enjoy your books to infinity!

your beloved mentor and friend,
StarSwirl The Bearded

In a room filling with books a glorious eternal princess of the sun opens her mouth to scream out one single name in frustration at being beaten in such a way. The Royal Canterlot Voice echoes throughout the castle with such power it causes the guards to vibrate and ground to shake, causing some to fear that an earthquake was at hand.

"STARSWIRL!!

A few hundred years earlier, StarSwirls Hidden Room.

The wizened old Unicorn worked furiously to complete his greatest creation. Sweat pouring from his face as he furiously inscribed the complex spell into the enchanted wood panels. His cape billowing like a mystical mist as he completed the enchantment and inscribed the runes to bring forth his grand plan.

His horn lights up in an aura of pure power as he activates the ancient spell lines, causing a flash of blinding light to engulf the room.
Blinking his eyes he giggles in glee at the thing before him, too bad he won't be around to see it in person but that is what viewing spells are for. Grabbing a piece of paper he mumbles an incantation that opens a black hole in space and time, and throws it in before it closes.

With great flourish He grabs the lid of the great crate before him and closes it, latching it tight. With the finishing touch of a rune of automatic activation to the latch, he marvels at his grand masterpiece. Before the great and powerful old wizard is a seemingly innocuous crate, holding his greatest plan his life's grandest scheme within.

Grabbing a prepared label from a nearby table, he casts a spell of translation and time adaptation so it will never be out of date.
Placing it onto the crate he steps back and wonders how long it will take for someone to find it and mail it.
Not like it matters, thanks to all his spells no matter when it gets sent to the great tree nobody will be the wiser.
Until it is too late that is.

With a flash of magic he sends the crate to the Equestrian Archives, then picks up a viewing mirror and waits.

Long as he planned this day, this must be his most complicated endeavor and one of many not to be discovered or known of till he is long gone. A post mortum finale to his life none will see coming.

He came up with the idea some years earlier, putting it into motion upon his first iteration of a will. In it he declared his old relaxation abode, the grand living tree home he loved so dear, become a library upon his death. All the spells for shaping it were in place, as well as a little something extra. He chuckles at that thought, no, She would never see this coming.

After that it was a simple matter of time travel, complex spell work, and hours of refinement until his great dream came into fruition.
A pity he couldn't see her face in person but oh well.

A flashing of his viewing mirror tells him it is time. Looking into it he sees the crackling on his desk of the arrival of the greatest piece of his Celestia Collection arriving from the corner of his eye. The memory gem attached to the stone shines in runic fervor as it downloads the spells broadcast.

The face of the mirror lights up just in time for him to see her face, her priceless face. Cackling loudly he laughs even louder as a great royal voice roars from the mirror.

"STARSWIRL!"

It echoes but does no damage, the old Unicorn laughs and laughs in gut busting abandon.
After a few minutes of laughing hysterically, he turns to face the mirror.

Princess Celestia is on the other side, huffing and puffing in frustration.
With a smile he shouts at the mirror, knowing she can't hear him.

"See, that's what you get for turning my entire bedroom into cake princess! Nobody Out Pranks StarSwirl The Bearded, Greatest Wizard Equestria has ever known! Not even the Princess of the Sun! I reign Supreme as Prank Master General, my throne may never be taken for my greatest prank transcended my own death.!"

He places the viewing mirror on a stand the entire thing recorded in his memory rune crystal , forever existing as a testament to his genius.
StarSwirl the Bearded, one of the greatest wizards Equestria will ever know, leaps up and turns around to moon the mirror and one sided view of Princess Celestia.

Then like a child who has just discovered candy, dances and sings around his hidden room with wild abandon. Secure in the knowledge he has indeed not only gotten his revenge but pulled of the best prank in history by using history.

Starswirl the Bearded, Greatest Magician in Equestrian History and Prank Master General, turns on a device of his own creation that plays recorded sound and dances the night away hundreds of years ago.
Shouting intermittently "Ha ha, Books to Infinity, Books to Infinity!"

Author's Note

Also known as the last great jest of Starswirl the Bearded.
All bow to The Prank Master General

Tank's Secret Life

In the cloud home Rainbow Dash calls home, a lone tortoise sits in a special space made for him. His helicopter pack attached to his shell has recently modified anti gravity magic so he can finally live with his owner in the sky. This tortoise is known to many as Tank, and in his custom open desert terrarium space in the cloud home he waits for a sign. You see tank is a very special Tortoise, with a very special life. As he sits, chomping lettuce slowly in his jaws, a sound reverberates from the other side of the room. Moving swiftly as only a tortoise with a helicopter pack can, Tank flies over to the source of the noise. Atop the table near the door is a painting of the Wonderbolts, signed by Spitfire herself. Hovering near it the inquisitive tortoise realizes the painting is the source, and moves closer. Before it's eyes the painting flips to show a flat screen display monitor with loads of fancy buttons.

The screen coated in static shimmers until it slowly forms into the relative shape of a pony, a pony who is none other than Princess Luna. Clearing her throat she begins to speak. "Agent Tort, how are you doing today? Enjoying your new abode?"

Tank swallows the lettuce before responding, but not with a silly turtle noise oh no; for Tank is a very special tortoise.
In a smooth and suave voice Agent Tort replies, "Hello are you the new L, lovely day isn't it? Quite a nice assignment you have given me here, far better than that musty old apartment in Hoofington."

Luna snorts in response, her eyes rolling at the talking tortoise before her.
"Well it wasn't so much an assignment as a retirement plan Agent Tort, we honestly never expected to need your services or special skills again." The princess of the moon's voice betrays something is ahoof, and not the sort of thing just anyone can handle.

Tank, or Agent Tort tries to raise an eyebrow and fails. Such things are quite impossible most of the time as a tortoise. Unable to physically display his emotions, he decides instead to voice them. In a rather sarcastic and dry voice he responds to Luna, or L.
"Well then, for what reason are you calling upon me again. It isn't like there could possibly be anything you would need someone of my expertise for L. Besides as you well know, once retired an Agent can never.." Tank looks to the side, indicating that in some ways he feels regret or annoyance. Tortoises are hard to read.

Luna sighs and lowers her eyes a bit, after all in a way this is her fault. "I'm sorry Agent Tort, but there is no way to reverse the transformation to retirement." Her voice carries regret and worry, her actions may have gained Rainbow Dash an amazing pet but they had caused the lost of a great agent. Raising her eyes to stare at tank once more, she puts on a professional expression for time is of the essence.
"Agent Tort, I called upon you because other retired Agents are going missing, I suspect that it may be the work of Dark Guise."

Tank immediately raises his head and growls out, "I thought you said he was dead. That monster's demise is the only reason I retired, I saw him perish in that massive vat of green goo! How could the fiend have possibly survived?"

Luna shakes her head exasperated., "I do not know Agent Tort, all I do know is that Dark Guise has been kidnapping your fellow retired Agents assigned to the Elements of Harmony. The only ones not to fall are Agents Razor and Silence.."

Tank laughs a tortoise laugh in response, "Oh those two, of course they are the last ones standing. Silence has been retired longer than any of us, and knows how to use his form best. As for Razor, that hare is one lettuce leaf short of insanity and is only still somewhat sane due to his vow to protect those he is assigned to." Tank goes silent upon realizing who has gone missing. "L, are you telling me that Ice is..."

Luna closes her eyes and nods confirming the tortoises worst fears. "I am afraid Agent Tort that Ice, Jaws, Howler, and Flyby are the ones that were taken."

"No..She wouldn't let them..She's too smart for that..Flyby too?" Tank gasps out in fear and dread, and something that sounds like heartbreak.

Luna responds calmly, the hard part over. "Agent Tort effective immediately I am reactivating you, Razor, and Silence from retirement. Sadly we have no way to reverse your transformation permanently, but due to working with Rebel Hive X we have come up with a temporary solution. If you are interested, walk towards the screen and press the green button."

Tank stares at the Night Princess, tears and worry in his eyes. "What about Rainbow Dash? What will she think when I am gone, who will protect her? I can't just leave the young lass here alone, it's too dangerous."

Luna nodded and in a business like tone responds, "We have already thought of that Agent Tort, thankfully there were exactly six other Agents up for retirement as of yesterday. They have volunteered to replace you and the others temporarily, be warned their retirement forms are not permanent. However they will protect the Many 6 until this matter is resolved. That said Agent Tort.."

Tank looks up as Luna stares into his eyes through the screen, looking beneath the changed form of the tortoise to the veteran Agent beneath.
"Will you once more fight for Equestria, and save it and your fellows from certain doom?"

Tank stares back, eyes hardening into those of one who has seen too much to ever truly turn back. Who has done too much to ever truly change into something else. Voice calm and suave yet again he says "L, if it will help save Ice and the others I will return to the service of your Royal Majesties and Equestria. Agent Tort reporting for duty." With one last look around the cloud home, Agent Tort aka Tank the Tortoise hovers over to the green button and presses it with his foot. The screen lights up as Luna's image fades to white, as a blinding flash of teleportation lights up the room as Agent Tort disappears.

A second flash a few minutes later and another slightly different tortoise appears with an identical helipack. Flying over to the terrarium he glances around and grabs a piece of lettuce, with a slight grin on his face he sighs. "Wow I never knew being retired was so relaxing, I could get used to being Tank the Tortoise and not Agent Slam." With a turn of his head the new Tank stares out the window at the clouds floating in front of the sun, and with one clawed foot manages an awkward salute.
"Faust's Speed Agent Tort, bring them home safe."

Author's Note

He's a tortoise who led a life of danger, to all who know him he seems less sharp than a laser. But every step he makes, reflects a past of dark mistakes. Odds are he'll bring them back before tomorrow.

Secret Agent Tank, Secret Agent Tank, he's pulling up them clues, and changing the way it's played. Secret Agent Tank, Secret Agent Tank, formerly retired he's now back in the game.

Beware of all those around you as you dine, monsters lurk behind those masks of thine. Be careful who you date, they could be evil ain't no mistake. So when he goes to break, the form that he takes, it's going to reflect the problem.

Secret Agent Tank, Secret Agent Tank, he's pulling up them clues, and changing the way it's played. Secret Agent Tank, Secret Agent Tank, formerly retired he's now back in the game.

*guitar solo*

Secret Agent Tank, Secret Agent Tank, formerly retired he's now back in the game.

Flying in the market in Canterlot on Monday, dancing in Manehatten on Tuesday, no matter what he does it's a part of his secret game. He's got a mission, and he's going to save the day.

Secret Agent Tank, Secret Agent Tank, formerly retired he's now back in the game.
Secret Agent Tank, Secret Agent Tank, formerly retired he's now back in the game.

Yes I made Tank a Secret Agent. Will there be a sequel? Possibly, I'm not sure really. I just thought it was an interesting concept to explain the pets being missing in certain episodes. Let me know what you think in the comments.

Glen Gorewood