chapter one: welcome to hell
my little mind
chapter one: welcome to hell
He reads: JESSE LAWRENCE
AGE: 15
GENDER: MALE
DATE OF BIRTH: 13/05/1997
MENTAL ILLNESS: UNDIAGNOSED
he looks down at me with an unnatural smile, I look up into those grim eye’s.
*tap tap tap*
I hit my hoof against the side of the bed, as his ample body cast a shadow across my face none of us spoke.
*tap tap tap*
It was a normal day, all the usual stuff, get up have breakfast get ready for school go to school come home sit in my computer chair and browse the internet. my life was spimple, lately I had been having some friend trouble at school, I was on the edge of loosing my friends and wasn’t going to do anything about it, I had given up, my life was with the internet where I could live free. on the internet I spend most my time searching and reading information on well anything I could find really this was when I came across the group labeled bronies, I read about them for a while and chuckled at the idea of their group and the idea of grown men watching my little pony. I slump back in my chair and pondered “what is all the fuss about” I thought to myself, over the years I had kept a very open mind to all new things due to years of internet searching, so I typed my little pony friendship is magic in and started watching. As soon as my computer screen burst with colors my dad walks in, I switch it off as fast as possible and turned around to see if he noticed, he opens the cupboard and pulls out a glass and fills it with water he drinks the water in two gigantic gulps then places the cup gently on the side by the sink and walks out the room not even taking a glance in my direction. I sat there with Google open and I was looking around acting as if I was about to type something in, I stared out the window at the dull grey clouds masking the sun, then I turned around to look at the doorway which my dad just walked out from, waiting to see if he was coming back in. it seams safe and I've gained enough courage to try to watch it again, I take one last look around and then typed it in and started watching.
Its been a few days now and I've adjusted to secretly watching the show, like early in the morning when everyone is asleep or when everyone is out. I have been enjoying the adventures of the ponies and seeing the ponies smiling faces, I've become very fond of pinkie pie as she is the most like me, she makes me laugh and smile with her funny little habits and her joyful character, I have made her my role module and I try to be more like her by trying to make my friends smile. the show has shown me how important friends are and has turned my attitude around towards them. But I wish I could be in their world, a world with no trouble no judging and no suffering. Over the last couple of days I have developed the habit of seeing and hearing the ponies in my head advising me or telling me what to do in situations, I don't see them in ponyville I see them standing there in the darkness of my mind, sometimes they have discussions among echouther.
Discussions I cant hear in my own mind keeping secrets from myself. One day as they were talking I decided to talk back, not out loud of course just in my head.
"excuse me but what are you talking about" I asked the six mares looked around in the darkness a little startled at the sound of my voice, they were trying to pinpoint where my voice came from but it was no use.
"um... who said that" Twilight Croaked looking around as her voice echoed around my head,
"its me... Jesse the guy you've been helping" I tried to hold back my excitement as I spoke but the situation got the better of me "I cannot believe I'm talking to you! "
"and I cannot believe I'm talking to you" she replied with a nervous tone in her voice.
I snapped back to reality and looked around to find I was still sitting in front of my computer "well" a small voice called out "we are all happy to speak finely to you" I sat there and wondered why I was having this conversation in my own head, I tried to forget they were there but she carried on "so Jesse what did you want?" she tilted her head slightly still with a dead expression on her face. this was the first time she had moved another part of the body apart from the mouth and eyes the other ponies started to come to life, that's when it hit me that single thought that one thing the thing that started this mess, I Answered "what were you all talking about" she jolted her head to look up, its funny because this very action she made me feel like a god, a wide smile grew across her face "nothing" she peacefully whispered as she lifted her right hoof and shook it the others were looking a little like an exercise video as they were pulling all these strange shapes with there bodies, Rainbow Dash stretched out her wings and started to flap them. She slowly took off from the well what I could only describe as the floor, she hovered for a bit and then landed looking a little smug at what she had accomplished.
it was all going well until Pinkie leapt into the air with excitement and let out a huge gasp.
"where in the hay are we?" the pink pony howled as she scampered around looking for an exit "you Pinkie" I paused as Pinkie froze in her tracks and gazed directly up "you are inside my head a figment of my imagination you and your friends have been here for some time helping me with my life and my problems" pinkie jaw was touching the ground at this point, which made me chuckle lightly Applejack strolled over and shut her jaw then looked up as well.
"what y'all mean we've been here for some time I've only just got here and now I want to go back" she turned to Twilight who was helping Fluttershy stretch out her hind legs "twi" twilight looked up to respond "yes Applejack" she asked as a large butter yellow wing brushed passed her face.
"oh so sorry twilight... didn't mean to-" Twilight cut her off to answer Applejack "what did you want AJ?" she replied brushing the wing out of her way, Applejack continued "is there any chance you know where we are... and if you do can you get us out of here?"
"I'm sorry AJ I haven't got a clue but I heard him say something about inside his head"
Fluttershy had been listening and let out a small yelp and put her hooves over her head, Rainbow Dash who had been helping Pinkie with her search, paused and then flew straight ahead and then hit some sort of invisible wall,
which unexpectedly mad me jolt in my seat as a sharp pain much like a headache moved around my head, luckily this didn't last long but it did distract me from my little performance and brought me back to reality.
however this time I wasn't in my seat I was on the floor in a cold sweat with a pear of large feet in front of me I rolled over onto my back and looked up, it was my dad who looked rather worried but when he saw I was all right he knelt to embrace me "hay dad" I babbled happily wiping my eyes trying to crack a smile, he let out a sigh of relief and he gave me a warm grin.
"you were out for some time" he told me as I sat up, he puts his hand on my back to keep me steady' I turn to look at the time it was 2:42 I look out the window at the sky to find that it was dark out, it was 2:42 in the morning "come on lets get you to bed" he whispers trying to comfort me. I stumble up the stairs keeping a tight grip on his hand as he led me to my room he didn't make a big fuss about what just happened but I could see the worry and fear in his eyes, "goodnight" he softly said and then he got up turned the light out and went back down stairs.
I quickly sunk back well I guess out of consciousness to go speak with them, they were all sitting patiently ready to ask me there questions. I talked with them all night Rarity couldn't stop complaining about the gloominess of her housing but I ignored the complaints and kept on answering there question until I drifted of to sleep.
*tap tap tap*
"so doc am I free to leave hell yet?" I jokingly asked knowing the answer.
"Jesse" he lets out a sigh as he heads to the window "you know we cant let you out and you know why" his tone of voice was calm and still, I walk up behind him and pat him on the back "don't be sad doc remember what Pinkie Pie says?"
"yes... yes I do" he looks at his feet and shuffles them
"she says life is a party"
"I know you tell me this all the time and now you're going to invite me to it right?" he smiled and raised an eyebrow.
"that's right, have you got the invitation Pinkie?"
"sure its right here silly" she pulled out the pink piece of paper and hands it to me I read it out loud so he knows its for him "this is what it says: dear doc I am happy to tell you that you are-" I look up to see if he was listening he looks at me with a frown and nods
"you are invited to lickety's and pinkie's party and we would love you to come join us at sugercube corner at 4:30pm" I hold the invitation out in front of me. He takes the piece of paper "oops you dropped it" I point at the ground.
"no I haven't its right here in my hand" he waives his empty hand in my face before attempting to fold up thin air and put it in his pocket.
I pick up the invitation off the floor "no its right here see" I wave the invitation in front of his face mimicking his actions.
"are you blind or something?" Pinkie Pie laughed as she rose up onto her hind legs and stared him in the eyes "well?" she waited for an answer "are you going to answer me!" she shouted.
"well?" I asked
"well what Jesse?" he returned the question
"are you going to answer her?" I stood on the spot waiting watching him thinking about his answer "well spit it out then... answer her" I rose my voice hoping he would answer my friend.
"awn... a-answer who?" he replied stumbling over his own words, as he stood there shaking on the spot.
"answer who, ANSWER WHO!" I screamed at him as I pushed him to the floor through clenched teeth I spoke "answer her now... DO IT!" I demanded as he cowered and quivered in the corner, he quickly tried to change the subject "don't you think its time you got something to eat" he looked at me with a watery smile.
"its ok lickety I'm hungry too" Pinkie mumbled in an attempt to sort out the situation "okey dokey lokey" I replied grinning at my growling stomach.
"fine lets go to the canteen" the doc whispered under a large sigh as he stood up and trudged over to the door "um... doc" I stopped and waited for an answer he looks over his shoulder "yes Jesse" he answered I scowled at him for a second and then continued with my question "my back legs are really hurting now and I would love to be able to walk on all my-" he cut into my question like he knew what I was going to say.
"no and you know why we've been over this a thousand times... now lets go get something to eat" his tone made it hard to tell if he was demanding or implying, he motioned his head at the door and started walking.
"ok doc but can I at least take these clothes off, I get very hot in them and my coat keeps me warm just fine?" I try to undo the buttons but it was on use, he turned round and gave me an angry glare so I ran up to join him on his walk, with pinkie close behind. "well can I at least fly there its been a while since I've stretched my wings" I moaned trying not to look at him "no you cannot fly there you are banned from flying remember" he didn't raise his voice or look at me as we continued to walk down the corridors of hell.
I had spent a lot of time in hell with Pinkie, the only other friends... the only ape friends I had made were Doc and Twitch. Twitch was more of a friend to me than Doc, not that I don't like Doc but Twitch talks to me more and understands me better than Doc. He tends to shy away from me when I engage in conversation with Pinkie, but that's Twitch. The reason I call him that is because he always had this twitch and he couldn't stop squinting his eyes, which made him look rather like a rat.
Me and Doc enter the canteen, I look around in disgust at the amount of apes occupying one area. "well go on then go get your food and take a seat" Doc stuttered as he pointed at the serving area. I did not hesitate I zoomed across the canteen to collect my meal.
"oh hey Jes... Lickety" stuttered the small ginger lady, from the other side of the counter "the usual then?"
"yepity yep-yep-yep" I replied with a wide grin plastered on my face. She scoops out all the vegetables one by one "carrots, potatoes, peas" she hovers over the meat and then carried on muttering to herself. She hands me the tray which held my meal and the neatly placed knife and fork.
I scouted the area for Twitch, I spotted him as he gave me a nervous wave I rushed over to greet him. "hey twitch" I bellowed as I stumbled towards him.
"H-h-hey Lick...ety, hey P-p...INKIE" he stuttered waving at me and then in pinkies direction. Pinkie did not waved back instead she turned her back to him, Twitch looked up at me and trickled out "did she wave L-l-lickety did... did she wa-wave?"
"yes she did Twitch" I lied
Twitch sat there smiling in the direction he had just waved not moments ago. Pinkie looked at me and frowned. "what's the matter Pinkie?" I asked with a worried look on my face. Twitch stooped his head down and started eating, then I turned my attention back to the pink mare who had something to say "it's just that when are we going to get out of here and go back to equestria?" a tear rolled down her cheek as she began to cry "it's just that I can't stand it here with all these apes, you and me are the odd ones out, we don't belong here, this is not our home I miss my friends and I know you do too" she sobbed. I took her by the hoof and pulled her close to me so I could hug her "soon Pinkie soon" which was all I could say to the crying mare.
"Hey lickety r-remember the-the t-t-time y... you tried t-to use yyour mag-ic to l-l-lift that barb wire f-fence" Twitch butted in laughing at what he was saying. I didn't like to think about that day, I cut my hooves so badly that day trying to levitate the fence. I didn't think it was possible to cut my hooves since I was no were near it, I managed to lift it slightly but Doc and the men in white coats rushed out to pull me a way. They spent all day sewing my hooves back together.
I didn't want to eat now that my memories had come back to haunt me. Suddenly Doc ran in from out of nowhere and stuck a syringe into my shoulder, it didn't bother me much as the yellow liquid was being forced into my veins. this had been done every day since... since... anyway I always been counting since then and I haven't stopped.
"h-how many n-n-now?" Twitch asked with a mouth full of food.
"237" I answered smugly
"w-w-wow tha-t's a-a lot"
"I know and there still coming" I let go of Pinkie who was still holding me tight hooves wrapped around me "come on Pinkie we should go, I'm not hungry anymore and I want to s-" suddenly I feel very dizzy and fall of my chair to the floor, this always happens in the canteen but its never been this bad. I look up to see where my pink friend was but there was no sign of her, "she's probably gone to get help" I told myself, then it all went dark.
*tap tap tap*
I awoke from my slumber to the smell of cooking bacon, my mouth started to build with saliva at the thought of bacon. I quickly put on my dressing gown, hopped into my slippers and ran down stairs. My dad turned around as I entered the room.
"how are you feeling Jesse?" he laughed as he flipped the eggs over.
"I'm fine" I lied as I was still feeling unsure about reality after all that happened last night, then I remembered our discussion I had with the mares. Me and Twi argued for a while with AJ putting in her word, when she felt it was important, Pinkie and Rarity spent there time getting to know their surroundings, as Fluttershy curled up into a yellow blob and didn't move a muscle, we... well I mean, they got Rainbow Dash to calm down after she had pounded the invisible wall a couple more times.
In the end me and Twi came to an agreement, I told them how much I needed them and how much I loved them. Carefully avoiding any questions about how I know them. Twi told me about how they needed to get back home to ponyville to equestria, and the important jobs each pony had except for pinkie who doesn't have a job in ponyville apart from making the other ponies smile.
So in the end I told her and them that they could come and go as they please. Now only a door sits in my mind the lone door in the darkness reminding me of my newly found friends as I patiently wait for one of them to venture back into my cold doomed world.
The plate is pushed forward in front of me "eat up then you have school to day" my dad Notified me I let out a grunt and look down at the greasy breakfast I didn't hesitate I pick up my knife and fork and started wolfing down food "slow down you don't want to choke" my dad chuckled as he puts a hand on my shoulder. I look up "don't you have work to day?" I asked as I stabbed my fork into the next sausage "oh yes I do" he said with a worried expression on his face as he glanced at the clock on the wall "actually I have to go now" he ran into the conservatory and grabbed his shoes. Hopping through the door as he puts on his last shoe, I laughed as he franticly rushed around the house.
"bye!" he shouted as he walked past me and out the door.
"bye" I mumble knowing that he can't hear me.
I finished my breakfast and then contemplated whether I should even turn up for school, since dad left the house and no one or no pony could tell me what to do. I wanted to see my new friends but they didn't want to see me, the only way I could see them is if I entered the door. I'm not a very good daydreamer the only way I can picture something is if I close my eyes, but I didn't want a repeat of my last experience so I decided I should lay in bed all day, to make sure I wasn't going to wake up on the floor again. I slowly ascended up the stairs and stroll to my room feeling a little proud of myself as if I was about to cheat death and get away with it, I climb into bed and close my eyes tight shut, it took me a few attempts to stand in my own mind but eventually built up enough thoughts to piece together a second reality.
I stand at the door afraid to knock, I turned around with my head hung low as I walked away "come on Jesse you can do it, you don't want to let your friends down" I cried.
I turned to face the door with out warning I found myself sprinting straight at it. It swung open, a bright light beamed onto my face, the silhouette of a pony stood in the doorway I couldn't stop myself as I accelerated.
"JESSE!" the silhouette screamed as I crashed into it.
I looked up to see a blurred vision of Twilight but slowly that vision faded into darkness...