Evan! You're Fired!

by indigo55

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Adventure, Sex, Gore, Main 6, Drama, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3464

Did you know you can actually bake, rather boil, a portal to Equestria? All it takes is a pot of water, instant noodles, a gas stove, a scented candle, and plain dumb luck. Don't try this at home kids.

Evan Perkins ends up in Equestria after neglecting to watch his Ramon noodles. Gifted with a new equine body and a second chance to live, he decides it can't be all that bad. Right?

(may or may not have sexual content. Don't hold your breath for either one)

Published 2016-09-18 23:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-20 01:56:19 UTC

From the Heart(h)

Late in the night Evan was fast asleep and in the midst of his REM sleep, a dream was brewing from the depths of his human-now-turned-equine mind. He was back at his house in his world. He hadn't realized how fast it had all been; now that he saw it, he realized just how quick it was. One moment all was quiet and tranquil, and in the next moment the silence was ripped by the sound of a window smashing and a headache inducing explosion as propane gas met with flaming wick of a candle. The silence had been replaced with the laughter of flames. Crackling at the life of an innocent young man who could have potentially lived a prosperous life as a human. It was all so vivid like any moment he could reach out and....

" I wouldn't touch the flames, " said a voice in Evan's head. He spun around and noticed a beam of light originating from the moon to which descended a lovely winged unicorn sporting a midnight blue pelt and had a flowing mane of darkness and stars.

Without even knowing why, he bowed to the lunar figure which earned him a small chuckle that raised the hairs on the back of his equine neck.

" You may rise. " He took this as his cue to stand and face the mysterious mare from the moon. He thought of something to say but yielded zero results, fortunately the mare had something to say. " I am Princess Luna and I am truly sorry for what has happened to you. It is unfair to see such potential consumed by the flames bought forth by ignorance and I couldn't bear to let that be the end of you. "

" What do you mean you couldn't let that happen? What did you do? "

The Lunar Princess cleared her throat before continuing, " As Princess of the Night it is my task to guard over the dreams of my subjects. When I have done my task and there is time to spare, I will use the moon to peer into other worlds and realms. Of course I don't interfere with the dreams of the other-worldly as that would cause discord. It was on this night I peered upon you from my looking glass and saw the injustice caused by your actions. I had to save you. "

" But why, " was all Evan could think to ask. The one question he probably shouldn't have asked.

The mare smirked and chuckled, " It is rather embarrassing to die by a bowl of....Ramon Noodles, " she said emphasis on the food part, " wouldn't you say. "

Evan felt like a real moron, " Touche. "

" Seeing you lying there, staring up at me, was like a blow to my heart. I felt so bad seeing what had happened and, " her voice faltered, " couldn't bear to see you die. " There were tears in her eyes and Evan didn't know what to do to help her. Things were different here in horsey land and he didn't know if hugging the mare would have been the right thing to do at the time, however she quickly pushed her emotions down and continued speaking. " Outside this realm my powers are almost useless, but seeing you there gave me enough strength to reach out into your world and grab your soul. When a human dies, there soul leaves their body and remains in the world but for a few seconds, compared to that of a pony whose will instantly shatter upon death. I grabbed your soul before it too would shatter and in the heat of the moment, forgive my unintentional humor, had to find something to hold it together. Of course you weren't ready to die and your soul was aflame with the burning desire to live so I grabbed the flames from the fire and used it to hold your soul together. Your body refused to take your soul back, it's time was over and I bought you here where I created a body that could withstand your fiery soul. "

Evan couldn't believe what he was hearing, he was only alive because this mare had welded his soul together and bought it here? He didn't know what to say and stumbled when he found himself saying, " Thank you. Thank you Princess. Thank you for your mercy. I should be dead spirit-wise just like my body, but I'm living and that is a true gift. The best thing I could ever want..... "

She cut his words short by interrupting him. " There is a price to pay for this mercy. This new body is still not enough to contain your soul. Your soul is like a nova, a field of unstable magical energy to which there is no comparison. Your body may not accept the soul, but you must hold together. The pain will be unbearable and you will feel what you would have felt had you stayed in that burning house. Alas our time has run out, the night is dying and a new day is being born, I must leave. Fear not Evan, for I will be watching you. " With that, the mare was absorbed into her moonlight elevator and disappeared.

Evan watched as the light from the moon grew brighter and brighter until he awoke to find himself in the same room he had fallen asleep in. The window's shades were open allowing the hazy afternoon light to come shining through landing directly on his bed. He sat up and stretched, the words of the Lunar Princess embedded in his head. He was aware of a burning sensation deep from withing his heart and looked down to see a fiery glow that faded away as well as the burning sensation. He got out of bed and headed down the stairs. When he got to the kitchen he was surprised to see, in addition to Applejack, five other mares staring at him and he felt out of place.

" Well speak o' the devil, " retorted Applejack, there he is now. Evan these are ma friends Twilight Sparkle, " a purple winged unicorn similar to the Princess smiled and waved, " Pinkie Pie, " a rather adorable pink pony with a fluffy cotton candy like mane waved excitedly, " Rarity, " the white unicorn with a glamorous purple mane waved slightly, " Rainbow Dash, " a blue pegasus with a rainbow mane nodded curtly, " and Fluttershy, " a yellow pegasus with a pink mane and tail was standing behind the blue pegasus quivering. What she said next chilled Evan to his bones, " They are all so very exited to meet you, but first... "

Without warning, a blast of party horns sounded and confetti hit him in the face followed by the pink mare named Pinkie shouting " WELCOME TO PONYVILLE, " so loudly he assumed all of the city had heard it. Boy was he in for a doozy.

You've Reached Equestria! Through an Unconventional Way.

You've Reached Equestria! Through an Unconventional Way.

A pot, Ramon noodles, water. These are the ingredients to make Ramon. Evan figured making spaghetti from scratch would involve too much work and he had plenty of Ramon stashed due to it being a quick meal, him being fresh outta college and not having money, and the fact that he loved the chicken noodles. He turned on his old gas stove and the flames ignited in a brilliant blue flare. The noodles began the cooking process. He stepped out the tiny kitchen and over to the table so he could watch t.v. and his noodles. He forgot how fast it took for the water to boil and it spilled over knocking out the flames but the gas continued it's flow. No big deal except he had lit a scented candle to ward off the stink of college boy. He didn't have time to snuff the candle so he did the next best thing and jumped through the window. He hit the ground outside and started to run but he wasn't fast enough and the house exploded in flames, the blast knocking him forward and he rolled on his back staring up at the moon. Most of his bones were broken and he was feeling weak. His last thoughts were, ' Oh look, there's a pony in the moon. ' When the paramedics arrived, Evan was already dead; reason, internal bleeding caused by bone fragments.

" Ughh, owww, dang, that hurt. Wait...how the hell am I still alive? "

He rolled on his stomach and lifted his head up surveying his surroundings. He was in the shade of trees by a small stream. He heard birds chirping and felt the itchy grass under him. He heard the giggles of playful children not too far away and sighed in relief knowing he was alive. He tried to stand but something was wrong with his body, everything felt out of place. He looked down and came to the conclusion that he was a horse of some sorts; a really ugly horse at that.

His body was a light blue color, like the flames from his gas stove, and his hooves were a fiery orange. He stood up and looked at his reflection in the river. He had red-orange eyes and a gray, shaggy, mane that resembled his old hair except it was gray with black tips tossed in like a backwards salt-and-pepper style and he had a strange horn protruding from his frontal lobe.

" I'm a horse? No...too small, maybe a pony. A unicorn.....pony. What kind of afterlife is this? What kind of reincarnation is this?! Why is hell so damn bright and colorful and not full of fire like they taught in Sunday School?! What the hell is going on here?! "

Evan's head was spinning. His eyes were hurting due to how bright everything was. It was like being in a cartoon, and he almost hated it except for one thing; he was a pony, and a unicorn at that.

" I'm a unicorn. Well that's cool. I wonder if I have magic. How would I go about using it though? What kind of magic would I use? How will I use my magic abilities? Good or evil? Ugh so many questions. I need answers! "

He looked over his shoulder, past his matching tail, and noticed what appeared to be a house nearby. He moved the bush that was obscuring his view and before him was a town full of ponies. Some were unicorns, others were winged ponies he assumed were called pegasi, and some ponies with neither wings nor horns. He stepped through the bush to get a closer look.

The town was like any old town except it had ponies as residents and none of them seemed bothered by it like it was all natural. He decided that he would play it cool and go along with whatever drugs the doctors had drugged him with. Walking came naturally to him after he spent several minutes adjusting to his new equine legs. Backwards knees were so weird to him but he soon learned how to walk without looking like he had shoved a toaster up his butt. He blended in well with the ponies and none of them seemed to notice anything out of place though some of the female pony horses glanced at him before whispering at their companions be them male or female.

As he walked he started noticing how different everything felt. Walking on rocks with bare feet had hurt in his past life, now the rocks hardly bothered him thanks to his hard hooves and he felt like he was invincible. Evan hated to admit it, but he had always admired horses back then and now that he was one, he felt as if he understood the world a little better now.

He caught a whiff of something sweet and tart and followed his super horse nose to a cart where an yellow-orange mare wearing a cowboy hat was showcasing what appeared to be delicious looking apples. Back home, the apples were unappealing, except the green and gold ones, but here the apples looked bright and inviting and he felt his horsey or pony tummy rumble just looking at the fruits. The vending pony noticed his gaze upon the apples and waved him over.

" Hey there big boy, " she greeted in a country accent. " You're a lookin mighty hungry, how about an apple. Only the best in Ponyville. "

Ponyville? He wasn't going to lie, legit name considering the town's residences. He was tempted to say yes but he didn't have any horsey money or any idea of what they used for currency. " I'd love an apple, but I don't have any money on me so I can't buy one, maybe later? "

The mare laughed, " Hey now big boy, tell ya what, ah'm feeling mighty generous today, how about you take a few apples, free? A big stallion like you needs to eat. "

Evan was ecstatic but maintained his composure. He was starving since he never had his noodles and these apples looked so good, how could he refuse? " Are you sure ma'am? I mean like really? That's kind of you. "

The mare smiled, " Sure am Sugarcube, go ahead and take a pouch of em. That'll keep you full for a little while, " she said filling a small sack with about five or six of the red fruits and handing, or hoofing, it over to him.

He looked at the bag confused. it had drawstrings but he didn't have hands anymore and was dumbfounded on how he was to pick up the bag. " Quick question, how do you pick this up? " He felt embarrassed that he had to ask that and his ears burned.

" Uhh Sugarcube, just use yer mouth. Or yer fancy unicorn magic. "

His mouth? He could do that? He opened his mouth and closed it around the strings before lifting his head, and much to his surprise, the bag of apples. He wanted to shout in joy but feared dropping the bag. " Dank que, " he said with the mouthful and the mare beamed.

" Come back anytime Sugar. Just make sure to bring a few bits next time. Say, are ya new here? Ah don't think we've met. Name's Applejack. "

Evan had to set the bag down so he could speak knowing a whole new conversation had started. " I'm Evan, Evan Perkins, " he said with a smile.

" That's a mighty strange name, no offense, where are ya from Evan? "

" Can... " he stopped mid word realizing that if he told her he was from Canada, he'd have to explain it was a human country and he'd have to explain humans and he thought that wouldn't fare well; luckily she finished his sentence for him.

" You're from Canterlot? You don't look like it, but looks can be mighty deceitful. "

" Yeah, Canterlot, " he said even though he had no clue what Canterlot was, probably this world's version of Camelot and was probably fancy.

" Well, welcome to Ponyville, how long have ya been here, how long will ya be staying? "

" Oh this is my first day here and I don't....actually know how long....I'll be here. "

" So Ponyville's yar new home? "

" Yeah, guess so..... "

" Well hot diggity what are we waiting on? You need a tour and a place to stay! Come on let's go! There's so much to see. "

Evan wanted to protest, but what would a tour do? Nothing harmful and he gladly accepted. Just how big could this tiny town be?

Turns out the city was larger than it seemed and by the end of the tour Evan didn't think he could walk anymore. His horsey hooves were killing him. He needed to sit yet the apple mare kept walking and talking, telling him almost every detail of the town and he had long since stopped listening. She was fast and he struggled to keep up with her, but now he new where to find food, clothes, books, and all his other pony needs so he didn't really care about the rest. The apple mare finally stopped in front of a giant barn and he was amazed.

" This here fine piece o' work is Sweet Apple Acres, the best place to get apples, " she said beaming with pride. " Go ahead, take a look around. "

Evan started walking around the farm taking note of all the apple trees, no wonder they called it Apple Acres, the apple trees seemed to go on forever. He noticed a red male horsey his size, if not an inch smaller, pulling a heavy cart filled with apples into the barn and he was filled with awe knowing he could never do that.

" That there's mah brother Big Mac. See that filly over there? That's Applebloom, oh and that grandmare over there is Granny Smith. "

Evan wanted to laugh at all the apple puns and the one MacDonald's pun but figured it rude and nodded instead. " So uhh, you all run this place? That's rather cool I guess. I bet it's hard. "

The mare sighed, " Yeah it has it's hardships, but the gain outweighs the effort. To us it's not that hard but that's after years of experience in the fields. "

Evan felt a pang of jealousy knowing he could never do that. " I wish I had your strength and dexterity, I could never do that. "

The mare laughed, " Come now Sugarcube, give it a shot, it ain't that hard. Tell ya what, let's strike a bet. Prove me wrong, I'll uhh, we'll figure it out, however if I prove you wrong, prepare for some work. I have a feeling a stallion your size can handle it though. Yer as big as Big Mac. Ah have faith in you. "

Evan could work with these odds and approached the first tree, " Uhhhh. "

" Buck it, kick it with those back legs, the apples should fall. "

Even had no clue what he was doing, and his first few attempts earned him laughter and he felt embarrassed.

" Ah'm sorry Sugarcube. It's just funny seeing you flop around. Here lemme show you. " She lowered her front half, digging her hooves in the ground, and lashed out with her hind legs striking the tree hard and some of the apples rained down into the baskets. " Yer turn....again. "

Now that he knew what to do, he felt a little more confident he could do it. He mimicked her position and kicked back with his back legs. His hooves hit the tree hard and he felt slight pain course through his legs. Only one apple fell and Applejack urged him to try again. After a few more failed attempts, he gave up trying to knock them all down and sighed.

" Well shucks, can't say ya didn't try. Nice try though. " Her words didn't bring comfort and she noticed. " Umm, it's late, we should get you a room ready. Ah have a spare room for guests you could sleep in tonight. "

Evan accepted her offer and they trotted inside. She showed him to his room and he felt at ease knowing ponies slept on beds instead of the ground. He circled his bed and climbed in like he would normally have. Of course it took him a minute to get cozy in the unfamiliar bed.

Once he was comfy, AJ turned off the light. " G'night Sugarcube, sleep tight, don't let the parasprites bite. " With that being said, she shut the door and he heard her hoofsteps getting faint as she went to her room.

He had no clue what a parasprite was but that wasn't his primary thought, sleep was. He lie in the darkness quietly contemplating what had happened that day. Was this all a dream? He hoped not. As much as it scared him knowing he was a pony in some strange world, it felt so natural and it was comforting. he soon closed his eyes and fell asleep.

Author's Note

This is my last new project for a while. I already have two others I'm working on and I plan to finish them before starting a new one. Don't quote me on that later.