Gods Don't Have to Believe in Themselves, For They Have People For That
Rainbow Dash tossed and turned, the thin sheets trapping her limbs and wings. She groaned, her eyes shut tight as if to ward off some invisible terror. Thin beads of sweat began to roll off her forehead.
Through the padded walls of slumber, the words kept coming. Irritating, non-stop. Words about clouds. Words about hail. Words about 'could you make it a little less hot, please, I could use a spot of rain if you don't mind, praise'.
Rainbow's eyes snapped open. That last one had been specific.
Too specific.
Again.
She found that her bed had become damp with sweat. The early morning sun shone through her curtains, still pinkish and new. It must be no later than six in the morning, she thought. She glanced at her clock, and groaned. Half five.
Half five was not an acceptable time to get up by anypony's stretch of the definition. In fact, the only time a pony should have had to witness the morning sun should be when staying up all night. Partying, preferably. She ran her hoof through her mane and yawned. In his little sandy bed, Tank was still fast asleep. Or perhaps he wasn't. Tortoises didn't move much even when awake.
Rainbow rolled her head to the side, easing out the aches she had acquired in the night. There was nothing for it, she thought. She was awake now, and that was that.
But today, she thought, today she'd find out what was at the bottom of the voices she was hearing in her head.
She swung herself out of bed, and immediately slid her rear hooves over something very long and cylindrical. She toppled, and very ungracefully bounced her head off the side of her mattress before crumpling in a heap on the floor. She let out a very startled, very loud yelp.
"Who the hay left a spear here?"
Tank's eyes drifted open. He was awake now.
It turned out that Twilight didn't wake up before seven. Rainbow swore that she didn't know that beforehand after she very noisily knocked on Twilight's door, sending loud bangs through the larger-than-life crystal tree-castle. She assured Twilight that she truly believed Twilight was an early riser after Spike had shaken Twilight from slumber, provided a helpful cup of coffee, and escorted the bleary eyed princess to the map room where Rainbow was waiting.
"Why do you have a brandistock?" Twilight asked, eyeing the weapon Rainbow was carrying over her shoulder. It would have been an ordinary-ish spear if it hadn’t had three pointy bits and a pretty red tassel.
Rainbow shrugged.
"Is that what it's called? Hey, your guess is as good as mine. Hopefully better, actually!" She sat down heavily. "I've been hearing voices for the past week. Not just whilst I'm sleeping, right, but whilst I'm awake, too."
Twilight blinked. "Voices?"
"Yeah. They've been getting louder and louder and louder, and now I can't sleep properly!" She rattled the spear in front of Twilight. "Then this appeared by my bedside in the morning too!"
Twilight blinked again. Every time she closed her eyes, her vision became even blurrier, indicating that she definitely wanted to go back to bed.
"...what do the voices say to you?" Twilight asked, summoning all her remaining patience.
"Well, it's usually about weather. Like, 'please rain here' or 'could use snow' and stuff like that." She frowned. "I also hear 'praise' an awful lot."
"Praise?"
"Yeah."
Twilight sighed. She rubbed her eyes. "And... do you hear these voices now?"
Rainbow went quiet for a moment.
"Rainbow Dash! My front lawn is in dire need of water! Please bring showers this week. Praise!"
"Yeah, I can hear them."
"Praise!"
"It's really irritating. I thought, maybe I'm crazy, or it's magic, or something. I thought you could help."
Twilight ran her hoof through her mane. "Well, I can't hear anything, and I don't feel any magical disturbances. So it's either crazy, or something." She yawned. "If it's something, I'd suggest seeing Zecora. If it's crazy, see Pinkie." She yawned again. "I need to sleep, so..."
Rainbow frowned. "Crazy, or something, huh?" She scratched the side of her head with the butt of her brandistock. "Well, if I'm nuts, then it doesn't really matter, so Zecora it is."
Twilight finally mustered a smile at the prospect of going back to sleep. "Excellent. Do tell me what she says... later." She began to trot back to her room. "Definitely later. Sugarcube corner after your weather shift?"
“Sure.”
“Bye, then.”
Twilight trudged away. Rainbow played with the tassel on her brandistock for a bit, then left for the Everfree.
Just her luck, Rainbow thought. She could have gotten any kinds of voices. She could have gotten creepy voices that told her to commit crimes and stuff. That'd have made sense. She could have gotten the voice of some ghost trapped in her head. That'd have made sense too. She could have even gotten her parent's voice, telling her to straighten up and make something of herself. That'd have been horrifying, but it'd have made sense.
Instead, she got generally polite-ish requests for rain or sunshine. Whoever wanted that? It made no sense.
Ponies were beginning to stroll out of their houses to go to work. Some looked at Rainbow a bit funny. It was probably the brandistock. Nopony just strolled around with a brandistock.
Rainbow checked the time. It was half past six now. In an hour and a half, she'd have to get to work with the other weatherponies. Slackers never did their job right. She snorted. Maybe they should get voices telling them how to do their jobs. Well, voices aside from Rainbow's. Rainbow's voice was pretty persistent.
The road to the Everfree was completely empty, and it didn't take long before she navigated the Everfree forest's outskirts to Zecora's little hut, nestled in-between the trees and bushes. Rainbow noticed that there was light from inside. Good, she thought. Zecora was probably more awake than Twilight.
"Praise! Thank you for this sunny morn', oh Rainbow Dash!"
"Shut... up! I didn't do anything!" Rainbow snapped as she knocked her hoof against Zecora's door. "Hello?" she asked. "You awake? I need help."
The door opened, and Zecora looked at Rainbow from forelock to hoof. "Ah, it's my good friend Rainbow," she said. "Um... you are wearing a helmet, you know?"
Rainbow looked up and brought a hoof to the heavy bronze helmet that was now on her head. It had a funny red brush thing coming out from the top and looked a bit like those helmets the guardponies in Canterlot wore.
"Horseapples!" she exclaimed. "Where the hay did this come from? It's the stupid brandistock all over again!"
Zecora stepped to the side, her widened eyes never once leaving Rainbow Dash, who was now fuming considerably at the sudden appearance of her unwanted headgear and rattling her stupidly multi-pronged spear.
"I do not know from where that came," Zecora said, "But if you come in, I shall try to help you all the same."
It took all of five minutes for Rainbow to explain her problem. Zecora um-ed and ah-ed all the while, and began perusing her stock of strange powders and foreign liquids.
"I can't think straight! When I'm talking or doing something it's almost fine, they sort of fade away into the background, but when I'm sleeping or just hanging around, all I hear is 'Rainbo-o-ow, please do this for me, praise', and it's super annoying." She frowned. "Especially 'praise'. Just a 'please' is enough."
"It seems to me that your problem is clear, for you I'm afraid your apotheosis is near," Zecora said, mixing a small teaspoon of powders together.
“Apotheosis?” Rainbow asked. “Isn’t that a fancy word for becoming a god? Can you fix it?”
Zecora nodded. "Godhood for many has quite the allure, but I think perhaps I have the cure..." Zecora then blew the powders onto Rainbow Dash, spraying her with the strange-smelling and colourful mixture. Then she waited a second, watching Rainbow closely.
Rainbow sneezed. Zecora's face fell.
"Or... perhaps not. Your condition seems to have advanced a lot."
"Are you saying I'm going to become a god?" Rainbow asked. "That's kinda dumb."
Zecora sighed. "Perhaps you may think it's stupid, but regardless, on those voices I cannot put a lid. There is one, however, who I think might help, as like you his condition made him... yelp." She then wrote a name and address on a piece of paper, and handed it to Rainbow.
Rainbow grinned.
"Sweet. I'll go speak to him right away," she said, and cantered to the door before tripping and falling face-first onto the floor. She looked at her hooves.
"Oh, you have got to be kidding!" she shouted. "It's not even my size!"
The Equestrian Postal Service was a very esteemed organisation. After all, short of dragon-mail (domestic dragons were hard to come by, and many previous attempts to introduce them to society had ended in more than a couple of singed eyebrows) there was no service as fast or as reliable as a good, solid pegasus pony with a map and a schedule.
Rainbow Dash strode into the Post Office of Ponyville, using her wing to pull up her brand new sparkly white robes that threatened to trip her up at any moment. She was running out of patience. She could barely hang onto a pristine white robe whilst walking (although it was startlingly comfortable whilst flying) as well as a brandistock whilst balancing an oversized bronze helmet with a brush on top on her head.
"I'm looking for Mr. Prompt," she said.
Send us snow this winter, generous one!
"That'd be m—... Oh," came a voice from behind the counter. A little timid voice that would have been at home behind a pair of oversized glasses and wearing a vest.
Rainbow's eyes snapped towards the pony speaking. "Yeah. I need to talk to you. My friend, Zecora, sent me."
The pony on the other side of the counter, who was, in fact, rather tall, skinny, and didn't have oversized glasses, stepped around the desk and towards Rainbow Dash.
"I see what's happening. Robes, helmet, voices in your head?” he asked. “We’ve all been there. Mine happened three weeks ago."
"What?"
"It's really not that bad. You kind of grow into the role after a while," he said. "I'm also really lucky that my followers are such nice people. I go down to the church every Tuesday (it's my day off) and say hi." He smiled. "Mrs. Cake bakes me biscuits. I try and bring them potato salad to say thanks for being there, you know?"
Rainbow frowned.
"Hello. My name is Rainbow Dash. Nice to meet you."
"Oh! Where are my manners?" The stallion held a hoof out. "My name is Prompt Delivery (I was born very quickly, my mother told me), the Potent Messenger God of Ponyville." He gave Rainbow an embarrassed smile. "I don’t get an omni, but I am quite potent. My followers are the Church of Post." He pointed at her brand new robes. "Um, you couldn't get one that fit?"
"You're a god?"
"Of post, yes." Prompt Delivery held his hooves up. "I know, I know, I wasn't expecting it either. I was at a low point in my life. Felt like I was stuck, you know? Then, just when I thought nopony else believed in me, boom, a whole bunch start all at the same time! Can you believe it?"
"Uh..."
"Because if you do believe, we hold ceremonies every Tuesday. I mentioned it's my day off?"
Rainbow folded her hooves. "I need to know how to stop it."
Prompt Delivery looked shocked. "Stop it? Oh, no, no, no, you can't just stop it. That'd be awfully impolite to all those ponies who put themselves out there to believe in you! How could you even think of disappointing them like that?"
"But I have a job!" Rainbow exclaimed. "No, I have two jobs! Weatherpony and Wonderbolt. I don't have the time to go around answering stupid prayers all day!"
Prompt Delivery covered his ears, his face twisted in horror. "You can't call those stupid! That's mean." He breathed in, and out. "That's okay. Apotheosis can be a very stressful time. I'm sure you didn't mean it."
"I meant it."
Prompt Delivery the Messenger God became desperate.
"Maybe if you met your followers? You could see that they're not such bad people! They're just like you and me. But not gods."
Rainbow stared blankly at Prompt Delivery.
"Will they be able to stop praying to me?"
Prompt spluttered a bit. "Well, I suppose, but I would never ask them to do something like that..."
"Well, okay then. Let's go," Prompt said. As he approached the door, he stopped, causing Rainbow to bump into him and nearly skewer the both of them with her brandistock.
"Hey, be careful!" she shouted. "Why'd you stop?"
"I got a prayer awful quick," he said, and began scribbling down letters on a note. "Hang on just a second."
Mere moments later, he handed a very professional looking letter to Rainbow. She took it suspiciously.
"I've never been given mail by the Messenger God of Ponyville before," she said.
"Oh, yes you have. Usually Derpy covers your postal area, but sometimes I take her shift when she's off sick," Prompt said. He chuckled. "They don't call me the Almighty Postpony for nothing!"
Rainbow sighed, and began to read.
Dear Rainbow,
It's come to my attention that you have recently ascended to godhood. I understand that you probably feel very alone and confused right now, which is why we (that is, myself and the Gods Club) would like to invite you to our bi-weekly lunch over in Canterlot. Prompt Delivery always brings a mean potato salad and it's lots of fun. This time it'll be held in Rainbow Falls, where the Patron of Geese lives. He's always a riot. I’m sure Prompt can give you his address.
Sincerely (on behalf of the Gods Club in Equestria),
Your fellow Goddess, Celestia
Rainbow folded the letter away.
"There's a Patron of Geese?"
"Hmm? Oh, yes. Loves those birds, he does."
Rainbow sighed. "Oh, goodie. Now, to find my followers."
"How do you know about this place?" Rainbow asked, eyeing Prompt suspiciously.
The Messenger God of Ponyville smirked.
"I know the address of everypony in Ponyville! That's why I'm the Messenger Go—"
"Right, okay, mystery solved," Rainbow snapped, and trotted towards a small looking house squashed between two larger, less awful looking houses. “I’m going to be late for work.”
Over the door was a sign, painted in rainbow letters, that read:
TEMPLE OF THE WARRIER GODDESS RAINBOW DASH
"Warrier, huh?" Rainbow asked. "Great. Guess that explains the brandistock. Kinda."
"Let's go in and meet the true believers, huh?" Prompt Delivery said in the kind of overly-enthusiastic voice only the most irritating of ponies could pull off. Rainbow found herself missing Zecora's rhymes.
They both entered the small building, which was surprisingly loud. A great deal of ponies had apparently come to talk about their mutual worship of the Warrier Goddess Rainbow Dash. They were all milling around a rather long room, chattering amongst themselves.
"Good, uh, morning," Rainbow shouted, getting everypony's attention. She adjusted her helmet. "It is, uh, I. Rainbow Dash." She focused her stare as best she could, and tried to look intimidating and at least somewhat divine. "I need to talk."
"Ooh! Ooh! Do rain, do rain!"
"Praise!"
“Sorry about the sign, we got the kids to do it, let ‘em take part and all that, but they messed up the spelling a bit…”
"Thanks for sunny skies, O magnanimous one!"
"Praise!"
"No!" Rainbow shouted, cutting them all off. "No praise! None of that!"
There was silence. From the back of the room, Rainbow heard a sniffle. She ran her hoof across her face, a sinking feeling in her chest.
"You can do one more," she muttered. "Only one. Then that's it!"
"You mean it?"
Rainbow sighed. "I mean it."
"Praise!"
Rainbow took her helmet off and placed it on a table, and leaned her brandistock next to the door. Prompt Delivery looked excited.
"Oooh, first time with the believers!" he tittered. “Such a big step!”
Rainbow groaned.
"Okay. First off... who the hay keeps praying to me in the middle of the night?"
"That's Fan Arctic," said one of them. "He always takes his religion a bit too seriously, if you ask me."
"I do not!"
Rainbow banged her hoof against the floor.
"Hey! No getting distracted. I'm a warrier goddess, okay, that means you don't want me angry!" She breathed out. "Secondly... who's idea was it to worship me?"
The room went quiet. A hoof went up.
"Mayor Mare?!"
"What? Somepony has to do the weather, and it's not going to be Cloudchaser." Mare coughed. "So, I was talking about it with some friends, and we decided to start the temple. I’m second Priestess."
"But I'm not qualified to be a goddess!"
"Is there anypony better at working the weather than you?" one of them asked.
Rainbow went quiet. Her ego felt like a very tight, very inescapable trap.
"Well, not really, but—"
"Well, there you have it."
"Do not interrupt your goddess!"
The entire room fell silent again.
"That's very rude." Rainbow coughed. "Okay, so maybe I am the best weatherpony this side of Fillydelphia, but it still makes no sense to worship me as a god. I'm just a weatherpony, okay? I only even work part-time these days. You can't just worship somepony real."
"As opposed to worshipping somepony who isn't real?"
"Well, you've got me there. But c'mon, guys, I have a job. I'm a Wonderbolt now, and it keeps me real busy. I don't have time to manage a whole religion."
"But how are we supposed to get rain, then?"
Rainbow rolled her eyes.
"You file a request with the Weather Team. We'll sort you out." She observed their blank expressions and sighed. “Look, I’ll explain—”
"But what if—"
"Your goddess is speaking. Our office is open ten til' five on weekdays, nine til' one on Saturday, and we're shut on Sunday. You can also apply for weather by mail if you want—"
"I'll make sure it gets delivered promptly," Prompt Delivery said. "I am called the Swiftest Spirit Mailstallion of the Heavens, after all!"
Rainbow sighed. "We'll get to your request within three working days, one if you order an express delivery. You can find our fares per weather type in our office or in pamphlets we distribute to the Town Hall. We will reimburse you if you are dissatisfied with your service and we listen to any and all complaints."
The room was very, very quiet for a few moments. Suddenly, it erupted into applause.
"Praise!"
"Praise!"
"They say you shouldn't meet your gods, but you're awesome!"
"Truly a benevolent goddess!"
Rainbow's hoof tightened around her brandistock. She wondered how much murder a warrier goddess could get away with before they automatically got demoted to demon.
The table in the Sugarcube corner went very, very quiet. Rainbow sighed loudly. It had been a long day of managing the weather and sustaining a constant stream of jibes for wearing a silly helmet and robes. Now, surrounded by friends, Rainbow hoped at long last for some kind of constructive solution.
"Heh heh... heh... hah, ha-ha, ha-ha-ha..." Applejack began, before devolving into an unstoppable torrent of laughter that washed over the entire table like a tsunami of chuckles.
Rainbow groaned.
"Yeah, okay. Get it over with."
"You?" Applejack exclaimed in-between guffaws. "A goddess?"
"A warrier goddess."
Twilight, now much more awake than previously, tapped her chin thoughtfully. "That would explain the voices. Belief tends to have a certain magic of its own, although it's not one I'm attuned to. I'm not surprised I missed it."
"Well, I think it sounds wonderful, darling," Rarity said. "It's nice to see you go out of your comfort zone and try something new."
Rainbow scowled. "I hate being outside of my comfort zone." She held her head in her hooves. "What am I supposed to do now? Nopony asked me if I wanted to be believed in!"
"It sounds to me like your believers are just a different kind of friend!" Pinkie said. "Maybe it's not so bad!"
"They want me to do things for them! All the time! I saw them hoarding the Weather Team's pamphlets like they were some kind of... holy text!"
Fluttershy tried to ease her way into the conversation. "Maybe you should, um... give them some different holy texts?"
Rainbow eyed Fluttershy. "I'm not going to enable their obsession." She looked at the rest of her friends. "They need help. I need help! Help me!"
"Maybe you could make things more manageable?" Twilight suggested. "Like, maybe give them some commandments to follow?"
"How would that make anything any better?"
"Well, think about it. They believe in you. By the sounds of things, they're not going to stop." Twilight shrugged. "I think Fluttershy is right. The best thing to do is make sure that their belief is done properly." Twilight grinned. “You need to deliver unto them some holy reading material.”
Thankfully, that night was much more prayer-free than previous nights. Apparently it paid to threaten believers with a little wrath when you wanted some peace and quiet. In that regard, the brandistock was helpful.
Rainbow wasn't entirely sure why she had a brandistock, though. It didn't seem terribly related to the weather. It was also a bizarre choice of weapon, she thought. Whoever thought of a brandistock? It wasn't a regular spear. It was really rather unnecessarily specific.
The Warrier Goddess of Weather decided to ask her believers. They thought up some crazy things sometimes.
She had cut the bottom of her robes off so that they didn't keep getting in the way of her hooves. She might get some flak for that, but she didn't care. They should have taken her measurements before making her a goddess. There was a right and wrong way of doing things.
She trotted up to the entrance of her temple, and tried the door. It was locked. Or stuck. She wasn't quite sure.
Next door was a small grocery store. One of the ponies tending the fruit and vegetable stalls outside gave her a wave.
"Saying hello to the followers, are we?" she asked.
Rainbow nodded.
"Yeah. Gonna give 'em some commandments." She gestured at the vegetables. "They look neat. Very tasty."
"I hope so! I'm trying to get them ready so I can take off early and head to the Church of Post. It's our god's day off, you know!"
Rainbow's mood suddenly plummeted, much to the vegetable-stall worker’s surprise and confusion. Thankfully, the door to the Temple was unlocked, or unstuck. Rainbow didn't care which.
"Oh my Goddess!" the pony who opened it exclaimed. "Um, hello."
"You a priest?" Rainbow asked.
"Well, I'm just the understudy..."
"You a true believer?"
"Oh, absolutely. I say my prayers every nigh—"
Rainbow's eyes narrowed, and her lips curled into a scowl.
"Um... I say my prayers at, uh, a reasonable time of day so as not to disturb you whilst you sleep, O Warrier Goddess."
"Good. That’s what I like to hear. Meet me at that mountaintop at noon," she said, gesturing towards a tall hill on the outskirts of Ponyville. "Mount Shepherd, I think it’s called. Bring a paper and a pen. We're gonna do commandments."
"Record the holy word of Dash?!" the understudy priest exclaimed. "I shall carve them down in stone!"
"Yeah, I don’t care," Rainbow replied before flying off. "Whatever you're comfortable carrying up and down a mountain. See you in four hours."
The assembly listened to the young stallion with wide eyes and excited smiles, tittering with anticipation as the understudy stepped up on a small upturned box in front of everypony. He coughed, and tried to look as regal and official as possible.
This was tricky, since he didn't have a face that was naturally suited to 'regal'. He figured this was all right. Priests weren't often of royal blood. Probably.
Were they? There had probably been at least one.
He shook his head, trying to focus.
"Oh, true followers of the Temple of Rainbow Dash!" he said, trying to make it so his voice filled the room. "And you too, Fan Arctic. I have returned from the top of Mount Shepherd, located twenty minutes walk away from Ponyville! I have heard the holy word of our Goddess, and I have transcribed her teachings onto this sacred notepad!" He turned dramatically. "The time was twelve-fifteen, for our Goddess was running late due to her having temporarily misplaced her brandistock!"
There was a gasp from the audience.
"Temporarily. She got it back. She had left it in her locker at the workplace."
There was a collective sigh from the audience.
"She gave me commandments, which all true believers must follow!" he said, much to the awe of the crowd. "The first commandment is thus:
Thou shalt not send me prayers whilst I am asleep, for it is uncool. Thou shalt send me prayers between three o'clock and five o'clock, but not on week-ends!"
There was nodding in the crowd. This seemed very in-keeping with their Goddess's previous statements the day before.
"The second commandment is thus:
Thou shalt not be stupid and you shall give the Temple of Dash a good name. To do otherwise is uncool."
There was more nodding. This seemed like good common sense.
"The third commandment is thus:
As a weatherpony, I am not permitted to accept bribes. Please send any and all donations to your Goddess (if you want, not saying you have to) to the weather team office. To send money (or gifts) to me in exchange for weather is uncool."
The understudy took another deep breath. "The fourth commandment is thus:
Each and every true believer shall send me a short explanation, no more than twenty words, about why the hay I have a brandistock, upon being initiated into the Temple of Dash. It makes no sense and I don't know who thought it was a good idea. Ask for Prompt Delivery. He'll sort you out. To evade this sacred duty is uncool."
"Why does she have a brandistock?"
"Wasn't my idea."
"Did you give her a brandistock?"
"Sorry, that was my bad, I thought it was a regular spear with a cute red tassel."
"Horseapples, Fan Arctic. Do your research! A weather goddess doesn’t need a funny type of tasseled spear!"
"It looked cute in the pictures, okay? Stop getting all over my case!"
"Ahem! The fifth commandment is thus:
Thou shalt not depict rude fanart of me in the religious texts, listen, I know we're all just ponies, okay, whatever you do at home is fine, but I've seen pictures of other gods and specifically goddesses, and I don't need a picture of me like that on some mural somewhere, right, my parents could see that and that is totally uncool, keep it clean please."
There was grumbling amongst the crowd, but general acceptance. The understudy sighed.
"Okay, listen guys, I did my best and argued in favour of the pictures, but she threatened me with the brandistock and I didn't know what to do." He wiped his forehead. Public speaking was hard. "The sixth commandment is thus:
Thou shalt not be mean to other religions just because their religion is less cool than mine. To do so is uncool."
"To be honest, I was fed up of religious intolerance."
"Yeah, who needs that noise?"
"All those gods and their 'ooh, you're dumb for not believing in me' and their stupid stakes."
"Honestly, some religions were more out-of-control barbecue enthusiasts than proper believers."
"The seventh commandment is thus:
Thou shall direct any serious prayers directly to the weather team office, because sometimes I forget things, all right, everypony forgets, we're only equine, no need to get angry about it, but they have a filing system and stuff so it's probably best if you just do that instead.
"That makes sense. Too many gods these days can't admit that sometimes they're not perfect."
"Seems efficient to have a system in place."
"Omnipotence, my arse."
"Good thinking, that."
"Commandment eight!
Sometimes I'll be busy saving Equestria or something, y'know how it is, warrier goddess stuff, so in those cases if you could just write a nice letter or something and send it to Thunderlane, he's generally my replacement, I'll update this if that changes, he'll do his best since he's a good weatherpony, not too bright though, but he's definitely cool.
Commandment nine,
Um, is it nine already? Uh, remember to drink plenty of milk, it's good for you, it's okay if you can't because you're lactose intolerant, make sure it's plenty refrigerated, nopony likes uncool milk.
And finally, commandment number ten is
Always be as cool as you can, to be otherwise is uncool, sweet, that's ten, seems like a good place to stop, right? I'll head off, my lunch break is probably over soon, make sure everypony knows I'll whack them with my brandistock if they disobey these, and I mean it about the rude pictures!"
The High Priest of Dash gave the understudy a pat on the back.
"Tremendous job. First time speaking in front of a crowd?"
"Yes, sir."
"Tremendous. Tremendous is what it was. What's your name, son?"
"Um, Fervent, sir."
"Excellent. You shall be known as Saint Fervent for delivering the word of Dash unto us!"
"Oh, gosh, a promotion!"
Princess Celestia sat down at the head of the table. All the other gods and goddesses also sat down. Rainbow Dash played with her brandistock a little. She was beginning to get bored.
"As president and of the Gods Club in Equestrian," Celestia said, "Allow me to welcome our newest member! And so soon after Prompt Delivery had his apotheosis, too."
Rainbow Dash gave a little tired wave.
"'Sup."
"I've heard many nice things about the Temple of Dash. You'll have to tell me all about it." Celestia sighed. "It's been, oh, many, many years since ponies started believing in me. I honestly can't stop them any more."
"Tell me about it."
"Well, it all worked out for the best. In any case, I always considered myself a leader of state before being a divine creature."
"Amen to that," said the Patron of Geese. There was a squawk from his trusty goose companion. "Quiet, Herbert!"
"Postpony first, god second, that's what I always say," Prompt Delivery said. "Oh, and I made potato salad!"
"Oooh, gimme, gimme!" said the Maid God of Spring Cleaning, the fastest dustpan-wielder this side of Eternity.
Celestia leaned over to Rainbow Dash. "I know these are a little boring," she said, "But honestly, it's nice to remember that gods are just a different type of pony. They're completely ordinary, like your friends back in Ponyville."
"...And then," exclaimed the Berserker God of Lumberjacks, "I said I'd smite 'im, smite 'im is what I'd do, I swear on me mam, I said, I swear on me mam..."
"Most of us, at least." Celestia tilted her head. "Have you adjusted?"
Rainbow shrugged.
"Yeah, I guess. Once you give 'em some commandments they kinda just do whatever normal ponies do but with a funny hobby." Rainbow held the side of her head. "Wait a sec'. Rogue prayer inbound." Her face darkened. "I swear to me, I'll learn to use that brandistock and I will use you as my personal training dummy if you don't stick to proper prayer times!" she shouted. "Got that? Do you know how many laws there are to stop a goddess from smiting a disobedient believer? None is the answer to that."
Celestia waited patiently. Rainbow sighed.
"Sorry 'bout that. It's just Fan Arctic."
"Yes, we all have one of those." Celestia bit her lip. "Um, I don't tell this to all the guy gods, but believers tend to draw and paint some rather revealing depictions of us godesses—"
"Already handled that. Gave 'em a commandment."
"Ah, all right then," Celestia said. "Good. Very good. It came as quite a shock to me."
"I bet."
"Especially since ponies were a lot more prudish back then. Apparently that didn't extend to religions. All I was given was a fig leaf. It was impossible for any of the more religious ponies to look me in the eye for decades."
"No kidding."
"The leaf didn’t even cover everything, either."
"What'd you do?"
"Had them taken down eventually. There was a lot of complaining from the High Priest. Very smart to tackle the problem in advance."
"Yeah, I thought so."
"No regrets, then?"
Rainbow shrugged. "Well, it turns out being Goddess of Weather is pretty much exactly my real job, so... I don't really care either way. Did it matter to you?"
Celestia's eyes glazed over. "A long time ago, yes, but being worshipped and having temples seemed so much more important back then. These days I'm just happy to share godhood with some good friends. And the Berserker God of Lumberjacks, of course."
"Praise to that."
"Praise. Hey, you wanna’ hear my commandments?”
Author's Note
I blasphemed. Whoops.
Praise!
If you enjoyed this story, feel free to check out other stories of mine, and be sure to leave a comment if you want, not forcing you, we're all free lads and lasses and all that. Please leave an upvote if you did enjoy it, though, 'cause that'll help get the story out and if you enjoyed it, some other guy probably will too.
I hope you enjoyed this, and it was partially inspired by this thread.
That's all from me. Cheerio!
