Forty Thousand Colts And Fillies Everyday
Hello, students of Canterlot Middle School. I'm the Grim Reaper. I’m also known as the Death, but I prefer the former of those two names.
Now, most of you know me as a pony who takes away the souls of the deceased, and you'd be correct. However, there's much more to me! For example, I've sung karaoke with Princess Celestia (she's horrible).
I've gone to the park with Princess Luna (my skeleton dog, Sparky, accidentally killed her pet cat. Yeah, when I'm busy, Sparky grabs the souls of a ponies whose time is up. I'll get to who does so when were both out later).
I've braided hair with Princess Mi Amore Cadenza (though it didn't go so well for the foal we were with).
Oh, I've also told Princess Twilight about her ancestors (and told her that it's almost her mother's time. She took that about as well as you could imagine).
Okay, so I'm not really a ponies pony. However, I wish to change that by giving you—the class of Canterlot’s most prestigious middle school—an insight into how an average day of mine goes.
Now, you may be wondering how you'll read this since I'm technically not living. The answer is that Celestia owes me for her horrible singing, so I'll have her write this down so your teacher can read it.
And no, Celly, I refuse to do another duet. Ask me again, and Philomena dies—forever.
Anyways, I don't sleep, so let's start at midnight. If I'm not off taking someone's soul, I'm usually at home (yes, I own a house. It's a nice condominium) reading a book. My favorites are the ones by H.P. Lovecolt or Clive Barkolt. Well, regardless of what I'm reading, I sit in my black leather recliner and read, a cup of tea (I may not be alive, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy a good drink) and candle at my side.
However, as quickly as I begin to read, my hourglass senses (or, to be more honest—and less exciting—a nearby alarm clock) kick in, and I'm summoned to whomever is ready to move onto the afterlife. It can be anypony, though I find the worst to be foals. The grieving parents always tug at my non-existent heartstrings.
Regardless, I usually just have to touch them and they keel over. After which, their soul's released. I do recall one time there was no soul. I was baffled until I realized that I had touched a mannequin. It was awkward, since I think the pony had noticed me, and his family thought he was hallucinating. I apologized and then poked his tummy.
Well, moving on a bit, at around four in the morning, I make myself some official Grim Reaper Coffee™. You living ponies know it as simply coffee. Mine’s cooler though.
Anyways, I usually send Sparky off at this point (I have a special doggy teleporter for him that sends him where he needs to go) and read the afterlife newspaper. For those who are curious, there is no actual news. There are crossword puzzles though!
This typically goes on until I finish it (that can be anywhere until five to six. I'm not good at crossword puzzles, okay?), at which point I take over for Sparky, who typically goes to sleep—or chews on a bone (which—for you living folks—is still a chew toy).
Regardless of the time, I pack myself breakfast (usually a sandwich—or oatmeal), leave a bowl of food for Sparky, and by about six thirty, I'm back out on the job. I've gotten a lot of odd looks as I reap souls and eat oatmeal. This one time, a colt who'd died in a hiking accident asked why I was eating as I took his soul.
I asked him why he was hiking at six thirty (don't worry, I didn't ask as I was chewing). He promptly shut up.
Anyways, you all get the drill by now. Reaping souls is pretty bland by the eighteen millionth year. So, how do I keep it fresh? Well, by nine, I usually visit an immortal being. Typically one of the princesses. If they aren't available (ninety nine percent of the time they aren't. Lazy fools), I go to my second best option.
Remember how I said that I've went to the park with Luna earlier? Well, when Sparky and I are together, I have Fluffy, my pet skeleton crow!
Fluffy isn't as efficient as Sparky, since he often refuses to leave the comfort of his cage. So, most of the time, even when an immortal being said they'll hang out with me, I can do so (hey, even Sparky needs his rest).
So, seldom is he used to retrieve souls. That said, when he is sent out (by that, I mean I successfully coax him out with the promise of a five–year break), there's typically havoc. Usually in the form of sudden, unexpected death (the dumb bird can get spooked by nurses and other staff if he's in a hospital of any sort, and will flutter around in fear, so he sometimes touches a sleeping patient).
Despite that, I do love him. I'm thinking that, if he ever gets good at doing it (and he stops being a lazy bastard), I can begin to take entire days off and finally catch up on my book reading. Seriously, if you could all see this, there’s a house of books in my living room. Sparky usually sleeps in there. I'm curious as to what's inside. I sometimes see smoke coming out of it.
My theory is that he plays poker with spirits. If that's the case, I'm insanely jealous, since I've got a great poker face.
Oh well, lemme finally move on. If an immortal being isn't available, I go to my second best option: trying to train Fluffy. Training him involves me sending Sparky back out and using a mannequin. He's gotten better at absorbing the soul (or, rather, Grim Reaper Coffee™ bags) out if it.
It now only takes him twelve minutes to do it!
About twelve hundred years ago, it took him thirteen minutes.
You're getting there, Fluffy, even if I wish I’d gotten the skeleton tiger.
Anyways, at around noon time, I make myself lunch. It's usually a burger or cereal (breakfast for lunch makes it feel like there's variety in my life), and I sometimes tend to my garden of withered flowers. I'll change the food in Fluffy's cage (for a skeleton, he sure eats a lot), and sometimes see if an immortal being wants to play cards.
They usually still too busy, but unlike last time, it's only ninety eight percent of the time. There are those really rare occasions (once every few years I guess) where I can absolutely destroy Cadence in a game of Uno.
Fun fact for you all: she's a sore loser of the highest caliber. I was playing against her recently when I caused her to draw four two turns in a row (they were my last two cards). Her response? She threw the deck at the wall and left without a word. I feel bad for Shining Armor whenever they have game night.
My nonsensical rambling aside, this noon time break lasts about a half hour. After which, it's back to the monotony of reaping. Sometimes, to spice things up, I use the scythe you living ponies always portray me with. I usually only use it for those who put up a fight with coming with me (dragons are especially guilty of this—the stubborn bastards), but i get a kick out of the reactions to seeing it. Regardless, one good slash and they've been sent to the Great Beyond. Or as I call it: a very overdue vacation for me.
One of these millennia.
Well, at about two in the afternoon (so around the time you're all leaving), I send Sparky out and practice my magic.
Contrary to popular belief, I'm not an Alicorn. Rather, I'm a unicorn who's had an unfathomably long time to practice his magic. Despite that, I still can't seem to master the art of putting toast into a toaster with it.
Anyways, I usually practice fancy moves with my scythe (I sometimes like to pretend in more awesome than I really am) or practice reaping souls (I once had to reap the soul of an assassinated princess and oh boy was it a nightmare. Her magic and soul fused into one thanks to some sort of spell she used and, to make a long story short, I had to carve the body up so I could grab the soul).
On rare occasions, I watch TV, but there's usually nothing good on. It doesn't help that I don't get EMC, which means I can't watch The Trotting Dead.
Oh how I wish I'd kept my old cable plan.
Anyways, this break (shortly after my other break, but that's what happens when you have two pets) lasts about a half hour. So, by about two thirty, I'm back out doing what the reaper does best.
However, every day at this time, I do something extra special.
I bring my official Grim Reaper Coffee™ with me as a means of helping me get through the afternoon. I've contemplated using an energy drink, but the last time I used one, I nearly took Celestia's head off.
Sugar rush is a brutal thing when you have the power to take lives.
Anyways, I typically get questions as to why I bring it. It puts a smile on my skeletal face (which nopony can ever see because of my sweet cloak that shrouds me in darkness. I got it when I was younger. It was a phase, okay? It happened to stay as it looked cooler than a tuxedo) to actually talk to other ponies. Especially since there's only so much of whining about how somepony is too young to die (and grieving from parents) that I can handle.
Seriously, if I ever visit any of you, please refrain from saying that stuff. The faster I take your soul, the happier I'll be.
Aside from the boost of caffeine (yeah, I may be dead, but I can still get tired) and questions from random folks, everything is the same up until five thirty. At that point, I head back home, let Sparky do my job, and begin to make dinner. I, for one, typically enjoy a salad or muffins. Regardless of what I have, I cook it and eat it.
After that, I go shower. Showering as a skeletal pony is kind of like showering as a living pony, except I don't have to use shampoo. Take that, living ponies!
Anyways, after all of that, it's usually around seven (I'm slow when it comes to showers). Sparky usually wants to kill me (somehow) since I made him work for two hours, but I can usually calm him down with a treat.
If that doesn't work, I give him another.
Works every time.
At this point in my day, I've gotten a late night second wind, so I'm feeling more invigorated. Alas, now that it's late, more rowdy folks are out. So, as you can imagine, I handle the situation extra carefully.
By that, I mean I go into horror movie mode and scare them to whatever would happen if I died.
Anyways, horror movie mode means that I act all quiet and scary. So, for once, I act like how you all envision me. Honestly, it's less fun than you'd think. Especially since the other person almost never shuts up.
However, once I send their soul on it's merry way, they shut up (for about five seconds, then I hear their soul demanding answers as they go up. Dense bastards).
After all of that though, it's back to business as usual. Reap, reap, and reap. Fun stuff until around ten, at which point I go back home and, once again, send Sparky out (or, if I'm willing to risk hearing from Celestia that a bunch of ponies mysteriously died, I'll send Fluffy, who uses his own birdy teleporter). Now, I'll do one of two things: either I'll rear or I'll pen a letter to somepony. Ive already spoken about reading, so allow me to mention the letters. It's usually Nothing special, just usually asking how things have been and what I've been up to in the my spare time.
Though from time to time, I vent my frustrations.
For example: I've vented to Cadence that I hate how some foals die early, and how seeing the grieving parents breaks my nonexistent heart (as I said earlier).
With Luna, I've vented that I hate taking a pony's soul in their sleep (she's told me it's okay, but even I sometimes feel bad, I guess).
As for Celestia, I've vented to her that I wish ponies didn't fear the reaper.
And with Twilight, I've vented that the thoughts about a deceased ponies friends grieving occasionally gets to me.
I know, odd that a being such as me would have feelings like this—especially with how upbeat this letter has been. Truthfully, I'm not the cold hearted entity you all have envisioned. I just happen to be gifted (or cursed—depending on how you see things) with these powers. I don't take joy in what I do, but I know it's a part of life.
Moving on though, at eleven, I'll either continue reading or use my magic to send the letters, after which I'll begin reading.
Then, at midnight, Sparky arrives back, and I begin the new day with reading that's interrupted every few seconds (or minutes—if I'm lucky). I should probably shift that around, but I've been doing this for millennia, so I see no reason to change it.
Anyways, that's the average day for me. I hope you all found it interesting! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to visit Twilight Velvet.
Author's Note
I wanted to try a story with no dialogue in it. Please, tell me how I did!
