Discord Doesn't Even Want a Cult!

Chapters

And when you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that he summoned a train
And They Bequeathed Unto Him Clocks, Books, and Disguises
A Doctor, a Scientist, and a Cardinal walk into a Casino.
And he surveyed what had been made, and found it wanting
Do you have time to talk about our lord and savior Discord?

And when you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that he summoned a train

"Twilight," Discord began, "when I previously referred to our little expedition as a 'road trip', I assumed you would realize I was speaking metaphorically. Apparently it seems I have put too much faith in you." He grumpily slumped on his noticeably far too small bench.

Twilight shifted uncomfortably on her seat as well. Despite decades of trials and testing, no one had ever been able to construct a bench that ponies found truly comfortable. And cheap train station benches were a far cry from the modern standards of "at least it's bearable" benches often found in more well-to-do areas. It was on such seats that Twilight, her assistant, and Discord sat. Only Spike was really comfortable on them, but even then he shivered as the brisk morning air blew across his scales, though his furred companions were fine. And since the station was otherwise abandoned this early, literally no one was comfortable.

"And why do we even need to take a train?" Discord continued, "I'm nigh-omnipotent, you've got phenomenal cosmic powers of your own, and Spike can travel as my carry-on." He gestured to a small purple backpack that he certainly hadn't had before. "Why not just teleport there, deal with the issue, and pop back? We'll be done by lunch."

"The journey is more important than the destination." Twilight quoted. "If you really want this to be a friendship bonding experience, then we should do things properly and not rush. I've cleared my schedule for the next few days and Starlight is prepared to deal with any emergencies or if we need to stay longer."

"You sure she can handle all that?" Spike queried. "Being a princess stand-in is a pretty demanding job. I should know."

Twilight nodded, "I have complete confidence in her. If you put aside her villainous actions at the time, she did successfully mayor a small town single-hoofedly for the better part of two years. She can handle it."

Discord groaned as he slid further down his seat, practically on the floor now. "I can't stand all this waiting!" He declared before dramatically collapsing at the ground in front of Twilight. "Just put me out of my misery dear, sweet, merciful Twilight. Being encased in marble was better than this."

"It's not that bad," Twilight retorted. "The train will be here in about an hour, and then we'll arrive in Las Pegasus about noon tomorrow."

Discord's eyes widened. "Sweet chaos! You mean to say we're scheduled for more than a full day of literally nothing but waiting to be able to do the thing we want to do? This is madness! And not the variety I prefer!"

"Madness?" Twilight said incredulously, "Don't be so dramatic. It's just a train ride. You should have brought a book, like I did." She smiled smugly as she held aloft her novel.

Discord sighed in exasperation. "Fine, as much as I hate to concede a point, how about a compromise? I'll agree to ride on the dull, boring train without complaining," he stood back up, regaining a hint of his old smugness, "if, in return, you let me edit those two adjectives for something a little more to my tastes."

Twilight opened her mouth, ready to protest his idea, when she stopped. Discord has offered a compromise. A compromise. Rather than enforcing his whims with his powers or sulking off in a huff, the famously selfish draconequus was actually taking into consideration the wants of others. And without even being prompted! This was a major step in the right direction of the road to redemption. A breakthrough even! Or, on the other hoof, did the potential boredom of the impending train ride really scare him so thoroughly that he was willing to cut any deal to ease the pressure?

"I... suppose I'd be okay with that." Twilight finally admitted, "Just nothing too outlandish, alright?"

A fiendish grin grew across Discord's face. "My dear Twilight, you don't even know the meaning of the word." Suddenly, a shrill whistle echoed across the barren station. Discord glanced at his watch which certainly hadn't existed a moment prior before tossing it away. "And would you look at that? Here comes our train now."

Twilight's ears perked up at the sound as she quickly turned her gaze to the wall mounted train schedule. "What? But our train's not due for yet another hour! And I know how strict Timely Departure is about his train schedules."

The last echoes of the whistle had finally faded, to be replaced by a faint chugga-chugga-chugga noise. Discord's smile remained just as sly as before. "Oh? My apologies, I must have misspoke. When I said that our train was coming, I suppose I should have said my train."

"Discord, what does that even-" But her complaint was cut off as the train in question came into clear view. If one could even call it a train.

Most trains have a relatively identical appearance. True, they may differ in some details; color, engine design, the number of cars attached, and other variances. But this train blew all expectations out of the water. The engine, for instance, was only recognizable as such because it was the first car in the line. Beyond that, it lacked any recognizable engine features such as the boiler tubes, piston rods, or even the steam chimney. Instead, what came rolling down the tracks was an enormous replica of Discord's head. Steam puffed out of his nostrils, sitting above a toothy grin acting as the forward grate. His oversized eyes illuminated the way ahead with twin beans of yellow tinted light. Even his horns were featured, though swept back as if facing a strong headwind. Following the head was a single long car composed of varying colors and designs mimicking the patterns of Discord's body and limbs.

As it approached, Twilight's sensitive ears picked up one more peculiar detail. The normal chugging sound of wheels spinning against sections of track was... wrong. Instead of a natural noise caused by energy lost to friction and sound, if she listened closely, Twilight could just barely identify it as the sound of Discord's voice making a train sound effect over and over. When the whistle blew, even it sounded like a vocal sound effect rather than steam being forced through an opening. The voice-like noise screeched as it pulled into a stop directly in front of the station's three occupants.

It was weird. It was gaudy. It was an affront to decent trains everywhere.

"It's so cool!" Spike gushed.

Twilight sighed as Spike rushed towards the "Loco-motive" (as it helpfully read along the side), gushing over it's features as he did. Discord leaned out of the ear of the train, fully decked out in a classic train conductors uniform. "All aboard the Discord Express! Non-stop to Las Pegasus or wherever we happen to stop at." He pulled the whistle, which let out a shrill series of alerts. Twilight sighed, but shook her head good-humoredly as she made her way to the door which have helpfully opened on it's own around the neck area. Spike, of course, had already hopped inside to explore whatever wacky interior the train was sure to have. She stepped inside and let loose a startled yelp as the door melted shut behind her, its edges melding back in with the wall.

The inside of train was shockingly normal compared to its outside. Clearly more upscale that a standard passenger train, but not nearly as opulent as Princess Celestia's private cross-country dining car, where it's rumored she once hosted a three day diplomatic conference without a single guest realizing they were even on a train.

A line of comfortable seats ran down either side of the carriage, leaving the wide center free for a series of small tables. Tasteful paintings adorned the walls at either end, and the sides had evenly spaced windows which provided a pleasant view of the distant sunrise. The tables even had a selection of local fruits and pastries available. All things considered, the train's lack of chaos made it seem even stranger in comparison to the kind of things they had been imagining.

Discord entered the passenger section as well, and the landscape past the windows slowly began to accelerate.

"Discord," Twilight began, somewhat at a loss for words. "This is..."

"Remarkable? Outstanding? Surprisingly pleasant?" he supplied.

"That last one, yes."

He chuckled. "Well, the deal was 'nothing too outlandish', was it not? Your words, if I recall."

Twilight smiled as she settled down in a seat not too far front the front. "I will admit, you can do some astounding and surprising things. When you're not goofing off, that is." She opened her saddlebags and lifted out a trio of hefty books, each thickly bound and rich with the must of decades of storage. Spike frowned.

"Don't tell me you're going to read the whole way there?" he complained.

"I'm not just reading," she defended, "I'm studying. These books contain records of known cults and other similar organizations from the past three hundred years. I'm hoping this new cult might be a resurgence of an older assembly, and I might learn something important from their history."

Spike pouted as he plopped down in a seat across the aisle from Twilight. "Well what am I supposed to do then? I was planning of getting to know the other ponies on the train, but that's not exactly an option now is it?"

His frown quickly turned to surprise as he felt a familiar paw tap his shoulder. He turned, only to see Discord's notorious up-to-no-good smile leering out from the woodwork. The diminutive dragon hopped up just in time for Discord to corkscrew his was out of the seat like a worm from an apple. "Spike m'boy, you didn't really think I'd set us out on a long trip unprepared with entertainment, did you?" With a wave of his arm, the tables cleared themselves of their ornamental fruit and merged into one longer piece. "I thought to myself, well, since we finally have some time free together, we might have ourselves a little gaming session." He shook his head as though there was water in his ear, which resulted in his eyes falling out through his ear, rolling down his scaly arm, and landing in his claw as a pair of eyeball-colored twenty sided dice.

Spike eyes glowed with excitement and anticipation for a moment before they dulled back down. "That's a great idea, but it wouldn't really be fair to Big Mac though, would it? Him not being here and stuff. Plus he's our tank and neither of our characters are all that good in close combat. We'd be slaughtered."

Discord tutted. "Once again you underestimate me, and my powers of foresight." A large white sheet appeared and settled over the table, odd lumps in its surface indicating the presence of things which hadn't been there a moment before. "I present to you... my friend Spike... gathered directly from Wizards of the Hills Headquarters in Manehattan... using my completely legitimate and legal powers of persuasion... months before its planned launch..."

"Get on with it already!" Twilight yelled out, apparently having been listening in while still reading, "Stop abusing ellipses and get to the point."

Discord frowned at the interruption to his pageantry, but it only lasted a moment before he regained his showman's grin and attitude. "Presenting, from the makers of Ogres & Oubliettes..." He whipped the cloth aside to reveal a complex layout of dice, figurines, riveted metal decor, pulsing lights, and hefty reference guides. "Twenty-Thousand-Wormholes!"

The was a brief moment of silence. Discord peeked from between his shut eyes, curious at the lack of praise, applause, and general adoring thanks. Spike maintained a healthy amount of skepticism and it showed clearly on his face. "Wormholes, huh?" he offered, "Sounds like a lot of bugs and digging. This isn't going to be like that DigMake game you swore was going to take off, is it?"

"Give it a chance, it'll come into it's own in time, just you wait!" Discord snapped back, before shaking his head to refocus on the present. "Nevermind, and to answer you question, no, Spike, this game is nothing like that. This game has much more in common with Orges & Oubliettes than anything else. However, while O&O is regarded as high fantasy, this game's scenarios take place in outer space." Discord's voice echoed through the train as a brief star-field manifested behind him. "The magical aspects are significantly played down to the point where they're meaningless, and it's replaced with all manner of deliciously creative speculative science."

Spike nodded, his smile and enthusiasm returning. "Alright, I'm up for giving it a shot." He turned back to his unicorn companion. "You want in on this Twilight? Kinda sounds like it might by your sort of thing."

She waved him off with a free hoof, using magic to turn the page instead. She already had three books open and a half scroll of hornell notes written in crisp detailed calligraphy. "No, you go ahead and do your game thing with Discord, Spike. Have fun, just keep it down."

"You sure?" He offered, as Discord folded a spare character sheet into a paper crane and sent it flying to roost in Twilight's mane. She removed it without a glance, her magic instantly unfolding the page and tucking it beneath her current scroll.

"Yes really," she insisted, "You two have fun. I like to keep an open mind to new experiences, but I'm pretty sure a colt's fantasy game won't hold much interest for me."

A sudden impact struck the side of the ship, making everything not bolted down give a sudden lurch to the left. This was true as well of the green earth pony mare who, moments prior, had been contently absorbed in her spatial calculations. She growled in frustration, seeing the space-ink that had just ruined hours of work. She brushed a lock of mane away from her eyes as she slammed a hoof on the communicator.

"D'rago!" She yelled, "What the frell was that?! We hit something?"

"I don't know!" A deep, rough voice replied with a hint of panic. "Whatever it was, it really did a number on our sensors. I could use some help up here."

The ship took another hit, this one lighter and from the other side. The mare lurched again, spilling more space ink over what had remained of her calculations. "Alright!" She declared, "I'm headed up! Get those sensors working pronto! I want to know if this is a rouge asteroid field or an attack."

"On it, Triton!" The communicator cut off from the other side. With a fluid and practiced motion, Triton grabbed her three barreled blaster from where it had fallen on the floor and holstered it at her side. She ran up to the doors and stopped in front of them. She stared at the doors with an intense focus, her anger turning into confusion for a moment. He gaze drifted upward before she groaned, hit herself lightly on the head, and proceeded to push the doors open manually.

She ran across the decks, her hooves leaving behind ringing echoes from the metal floor. The air was chill, but it was kept at bay by her well insulated black vest and leggings. It didn't take long before she reached the bridge of the ship. It was a large ovoidal room, the same bronze color as the rest of the ship. Small consoles were placed here and there and a large window-like screen displayed the expanse of space that surrounded them. One station was currently manned by a large purple being.

"What do we know?" Triton demanded as she ran to the nearest console, which also happened to be the one with the most blinking warning lights.

The creature she addressed turned away from his also blinking console to face her. It looked a lot like Spike the dragon. That is, if Spike were as tall as Princess Celestia, ripped like a minotaur, and had a series of scaled tentacles which grew from his head and face to create the appearance of long hair and a fu manchu. He shook his head. "It's not good. I just got sensors back."

"And?" Triton insisted, furiously pressing buttons on her own console.

"Definitely ship fire." His voice was stern and calm. He pressed a button and the image on the large screen changed. It now showed three small ships flying in fast pursuit.

"Prowlers?" Triton asked, tensing at even the mention of what their presence implied. "Is it Scorpion?"

"No, I don't recognize the ship design." He continued typing commands into his console. "But they're small, fast, almost definitely short range vessels. Unless there's something dreadnought class nearby, they had to have come from a planet."

"Can we starburst out of here?"

"Negative. Their first shot landed a critical hit." Another blast rocked the vessel as the occupants struggled to maintain upright. "We've been lucky since; there's only been glancing blows."

"Well can we fight back at least?!" Triton yelled, her frustration and fear coming through.

"Not at this range! They're too close for missiles and too far to hit them with an electric charge."

She slammed a hoof on the console. "Malak! So we're pretty much jick-tied! All we can do is try to avoid their shots until they get in range of something?! Why, in the juxt of it all, are they even attacking?!"

Suddenly, a new voiced interrupted their panicked shouting the the beeping of various alarms and klaxons.

"What the drek is with all this racket?" The voice was high and scratchy, like an elderly cat with laryngitis. It echoed through the corridors and into the bridge with a crispness that ignored other sounds as it made it's way to Triton and D'rago's ears.

Triton groaned as she slapped a hoof to her face. "Vega. Of course he'd be at the root of the problem."

A soft whirring sound emanated from around the corner of a nearby hallway, quickly followed by a most curious creature. If someone had taken Discord and melted him down into a loose pyramid of yellow leathery flesh, it would bear a striking resemblance. It sat on a small well-cushioned chair which hovered along the hallway, directed by a small joystick he held in his stubby arm. The other arm was preoccupied with wild gesticulations to emphasize his exclamations.

"Can't a fellow have half an arn's rest to moisturize without being interrupted by all this noise? Who do I have to pay around here to get a measly bit of peace and quiet?" His hoverchair finally made it to the bridge, where he spotted its occupants. "Triton! I should have known. You haven't been mucking about in the subsystems have you? Getting that filthy pony hair everywhere?"

"Well actually, Vega," Triton began, smile thin-lipped and angry, "If you'd care to poke your royal head outside, you might notice that we're currently under attack!"

"And from the last planet, no less." D'rago added gruffly, "Any possible idea why they might be after us?"

"I haven't the foggiest."

"Vega..." Triton prodded with a dangerous tone.

"What? I didn't do anything. All I did on that miserable little rock was pick up a few souvenirs I found in a cave." From somewhere within his many pockets and pouches he produced two small golden figurines, dangling on silver chains.

The noise of klaxons and alarms faded into the background, as did the occasional blast from their pursuers. A sound like a die rolling on a wooden table superseded all other noise. As the roll concluded, Discord's normal smooth baritone voice echoed through the air around them.
18. Intelligence check passed.

Triton's eyes flashed and she gasped as new knowledge rushed into her mind. "Cave nothing, that was a temple! Those are sacred artifacts of that planet's people. You stole the symbols of their gods!"

Vega harrumphed and crossed his arms. "Well if they cared so much then they shouldn't have left them in a dusty old room, alone and unguarded."

Another blast shook the ship, causing a shower of sparks to rain over their heads. A holographic communicator buzzed to life as a quiet timid voice snuck out. "Um... excuse me?" An image formed of a strange insect-like creature. It's many limbs were an almost sickly yellow color, though it's large mushroom-cap like head was tinted pink with anxiety. It's wide expressive eyes radiated worry and concern. "I'm so sorry to interrupt, but HarMoyany can't take too much more of this." She grimaced as another shot grazed their port side. "I know we can't starburst right now, and I'm very sorry for that, but anything you could do to quickly end this would be a really big help."

"Working on it Pilot!" Triton snapped, still angry at Vega's nonchalant greed and general apathy towards their situation. Her gaze quickly softened though as she realized what she had done, but before she could apologize Pilot cut the connection with a startled 'Eep!'. Triton turned back to Vega. "Look, you see what you did?! Now you made me yell at Pilot, and you know how sensitive she is."

Vega groaned. "Fine, I don't care. Just get the buggers on the communicator, I'll offer them some credits, make a nice blubbery apology, and settle this. Ugh, my lost kingdom for some quiet."

Again, ambient sounds dulled as the sound of a rolling die filled the chambers. 2. Critical failure. Not only have they rejected your offer, but they've taken it as an insult to their honor. If you'd taken the time to talk to the locals back on the planet, you would have learned that they are a warrior race with a strict code of honor and duty. Before they just wanted their idols back and a public shaming of the culprit, but now they're out for blood. All enemy ships gain +2 to accuracy.

Several shots hit the ship in quick succession, knocking everyone off balance. Vega shook his fist at the omnipresent voice.

"What?! No fair, that is completely against the rules. My charisma stats are unmatched. I demand a reroll!"

The world froze. Sparks hung in midair, missiles hovered in the vacuum of space. What did I tell you about breaking character?

"Well this is an emergency. I've been cheated, and I demand retribution." The floating thief insisted.

The walls of the ship around them began to melt away. Bronze bulkheads gave way to wallpapered wood, as sparking consoles shriveled down into finely upholstered chairs. The only thing to remain out of place in the rapidly re-emerging train decor was a single gunmetal table, around which sat four figures. Twilight sighed as she shook the green color out of her mane. It splattered like rainwater on a rapidly shrinking Spike before disappearing without a trace. Pulling her straw closer with her magic, she took a long draw of her wildberry cola. "Really Discord, can't you keep your characters under control? This is the fifth time he's pulled us out of the game!"

The lord of chaos groaned from behind his GM screen, equally fed up with his duplicate's antics. "I said I was sorry, alright? I told you making him a separate entity was a bad idea, but noooooo you insisted that I couldn't be both Gamemaster and a player without a full disconnect between the two. And now we have this." He gestured to the Discord who sat across the table. He looked identical to the original, except all of his colors were changed and he retained his grumpy frown. "A copy is never as good as the original."

"Well maybe," the yellow Discord complained, "If you hadn't kept the 'good sportsmanship' attribute for yourself..."

"I told you, I need it to make sure I GM justly and fairly." The original insisted.

Twilight and Spike sighed. This was not the first time these two unstoppable forces had met their respective immovable wills. Luckily, before their spat could devolve into a full row, the train's PA system crackled to life. A tinny rendition of the Westminster chimes rang out, immediately drawing everyone's attention. As soon as the chimes ended, with a slap to the back, Discord reabsorbed his palette swapped twin into himself. "It's just as well," he mused, "Not the best stopping point, but I suppose it will have to do."

"Stopping point?" Twilight asked as the entire table and gameboard began to repeatedly fold in on itself. "Why do we have to stop? I was just about to reveal my cunning plan to rescue us from certain peril!"

"Why Twilight, didn't you hear the chimes?" He pulled the cord on a nearby window curtain. It shot up quickly, spinning rapidly on its spindle. It was late at night, or arguably very early in the morning as it was nearly time for sunrise. In fact, Twilight could just barely make out the glow of Celestia's sun over the western horizon.

Wait... the western horizon? Impossible. But then, if that wasn't the sun...

"We're about to reach our destination." Discord concluded.

Author's Note

Hello! I return, for another Infinidiscord adventure!

Probably not the direction you were expecting, but when Discord's involved you have to plan for a few strange side trips. For those of you who were expecting a long road-trip story, sorry about that. Originally, I was going to skip right over to our "heroes" arriving at Las Pegasus, but I decided upon evaluation to insert this connecting chapter. (Consequently, that means the next chapter already has a fair bit written.)

Also, first person to name both the big reference and the one in the authors note gets to pre-read the next chapter (when it occurs).

And They Bequeathed Unto Him Clocks, Books, and Disguises

Las Pegasus. The Pony's Playground. Cloud Nine and a Half. Some ponies save their bits for years all for one night of no-holds-barred frivolity in that famous city. "The city sweet dreams are made of!" their advertisements say. Where the clattering of the chips and the cacophonous jingles of the slots hide the quiet mutterings of secret deals made between ponies of ill intent. Where money trades hooves in poorly lit rooms and ponies with mathematics cutie marks are discreetly shuffled away like so many cards. Las Pegasus was a bright and gleaming gem, promising the hope of fun, riches, and astounding entertainment to anyone with a few bits they didn't mind parting with. Where chance is king and the law of the land is the law of averages.

And Discord was miserable.

He shuddered involuntary. "I can feel it. We're getting close."

"Feel what?" Spike asked.

"Las Pegasus," Discord spat, a look of disgust on his face. "It's been so long, I'd forgotten why I avoid it so much."

"Avoid it?" Twilight asked curiously, "I thought a city like Las Pegasus would be your kind of place? All those games of chance, money won and lost, thousands of bits dancing on the edge of die. Seems plenty chaotic to me."

"I thought you might say something like that." Discord shook his head ruefully, "I thought maybe you might know me well enough to understand, but, alas, it seems I was mistaken." He pointed towards the general direction of the city. "That place... is a mockery of chaos. Yes everything looks random, as you said, but I guarantee you that in the upper levels above the gambling there are teams of mathematicians and statisticians who can calculate to the bit how much money will trade hooves. They know the exact odds of every game, every card, every die, and manipulate them so their bosses always come out on top. Las Pegasus is chaos enchained."

"Come on now, everyone knows the games are a little rigged, but that's part of the fun. Aren't you making too big a deal of this?"

"Twilight, while your naïveté was cute when you were just a unicorn, it's unbefitting a princess of the realm." The Lord of Chaos coiled his body into a compact sitting position. He rubbed the base of his horns as though afflicted with a headache. "If only there was some way to make you see from my perspective..." A light bulb went off above his head. "Of course! What better time to try putting some of her principles into practice!"

He pulled out a set of yellow index cards with pink edging, and began flipping through them quickly, murmuring snatches of titles or phrases as he went. "Apologizing for going too far, no that's not it. Clearing up a misunderstanding, close but not quite right. Ah, here it is!" He finally stopped on one card midway through the stack.

Donning a pair of horn-rimmed reading glasses on a chain, he began to read aloud from the card. "Expressing your Point of View. In order to help ponies understand your rather unique perspective, rather than forcibly putting them in the same situation or manipulating their memories, why not try creating a metaphor or example which they can relate to." He shrugged as he poofed the cards away. "Alright, worth a shot."

Discord drew a line across the floor with a claw. The affected area glowed brilliantly for a moment, before a shape started to rise up. It settled itself in the form of an ornate pair of doors. The entryway seemed to be made of brass and was elaborately decorated with all manner of gears and pipes, all polished to a gleam. Standing up straight, and having donned a similarly decorated hat, cane, and coat, Discord regained his composure.

"If you'll humor me for a moment, I think this might explain things better."

He threw the doors open and stood to the side, gesturing for Twilight and Spike to enter. They did so with only a slight hesitation, squinting against the bright light. When the light faded so that they could again see, both Spike's and Twilight's mouths opened wide in awe.

Gears. As for as the eye could see in every direction there existed an immense system of gearwork. They ranged from as small as a hoof to as large as the Ponyville Plaza. Connected between them were all manner of driveshafts, springs, belt, and escapements, all working in concert to perform some great task. Light gleamed off every polished surface, shifting and winking as pieces moved endlessly. One could only imagine the purpose of such a grand machine. Luckily, they didn't have to.

"Imagine, if you will," Discord began, still standing in the train, "Being inside an enormous cuckoo clock. Well you don't really have to imagine it since I've taken care of that part, but feel free to do so anyway. To the untrained eye, everything looks random, chaotic, and meaningless." Twilight turned back to face him, having overcome her initial shock. "But to a trained professional, a clock-maker in this case, they can see exactly what every part is doing. How every piece works in perfect concert with every other. A symphony in metal. Possibly the most perfect example of harmony and coordination imaginable."

"Discord..." Twilight began breathlessly, "This is... this is amazing."

"Yes, yes. It's very pretty and shiny." He waved off her compliment with a roll of his eye. "But do you understand my point? I'm not good with metaphors so I really can't tell if this is working or not. The clock represents Las Pegasus and I'm the clock-maker." He scratched his beard contemplatively. "Although, that would imply that the harmony represented by the gears was created by me, which of course it isn't, even though the chaos that the gears also represents was and is, even though the whole point of that is that it was an illusion to the untrained observer. So aside from that I think this is a good metaphor. Right?"

Twilight shook her head, reeling a little from trying to decipher his logic. "I thought I was starting to understand, but I think you lost me. So you're trying to say that Las Pegasus is like a clock, which is bad. But you're like the clock-maker, which is good. Even though you didn't make the clock -err, the city- which is... a bad thing?" She smiled awkwardly. "Maybe?"

Discord smacked himself in the face and groaned. "You see Fluttershy?" he mumbled through his paw, "I told you. Not good at metaphors. Be so much easier to just make her agree with me, set up a small dimension pocket where she can spend a few lifetimes in my shoes, it'd be a piece of cake. But nooooo, have to do it all longhand nowadays. Not polite to mess with your friends' heads or subjective realities."

He gathered his index cards again and began rereading the passages. Meanwhile Spike was still transfixed by the spinning gears. The glint of polished metal called out to his dragon instincts, while his conscious thoughts focused on how much this place reminded him of a setting in one of his comics. Visions of heroes swinging between moving clockwork platforms swam through his mind. Twilight, in the meantime, had already left the gear dimension and walked back over to Discord's side where she waited patiently for him to finish searching for an answer in his cheat sheet.

"Aha!" Discord declared finally, jamming his claw at the last line of a card. "...an example they can personally relate to. That's what I was missing. Now let's see..." He sat down in a large overstuffed armchair, and pulled a pipe from the pocket of his burgundy robe. He chewed the end thoughtfully. "What sort of thing would Twilight Sparkle personally relate to?" It was a surprisingly brief time before his eyes lit up like a jack-o-lantern. "Ideaaa~" he trilled in a passable imitation of Rarity.

"You know Discord," Twilight put a hoof to his claw, "You don't really have to go all out to try and explain yourself. Isn't it enough that I know you don't like Las Pegasus, and we leave it at that?"

The draconequus shook his head. "No, it's important that you understand. Not just why I don't like the city, but going beyond that to why I don't like cults in my name. Ponies just don't... get chaos."

"What do you-" But she was cut off from finishing her question.

"Spike!" Discord called, "Hurry up in there and get back to the train. I have a better metaphor ready and I'd like to use it before I forget it." Spike however, remained still as a statue, still transfixed by the shining metal and thoughts of the epic fight sequences that his favorite characters could stage there. Discord huffed in exasperation before turning to Twilight. "Could you grab him? I'd like to get this metaphorical train moving before the literal one stops."

She shot him a questioning gaze. "Why can't you grab him? It's your microdimension after all."

He rolled his eyes. "Seems like the clock metaphor worked even less than I thought. Weren't you listening? That-" he pointed through the door, "is a place of absolute perfect harmony. Admittedly it's just a decent fake, but still it's like asking... asking..." he fumbled for a comparison. "...like asking Fluttershy to go into a Minotaur butchery shop." Twilight blanched, and immediately yanked Spike out with her magic, conveniently snapping him out of his transfixion. Discord smirked. "Hey, maybe I'm not so bad at metaphors after all." He gave the door a nudge and it toppled over like a cardboard cutout, disappearing into the floor's carpet.

"Now then," Discord clapped his hand and rubbed them in anticipation, "I think this'll be the one to really knock your socks off! Imagine... a library."

A soft rumbling started up as the train decor faded away and a pair of bookcases rose from the floor to Discord's left and right. They were composed of a rich, old, dark wood and brimmed with all manner of books. Each case stood just tall enough for a pony to see over the top and seemed to extend infinitely in each direction, enclosing the trio in a book hallway. The rumbling continued as more bookshelves began to rise up in layers outward, like dominoes in reverse. As the shelves grew farther and farther away, the horizon seemed to curve upwards, though bookshelves continued to grow undaunted. The curving bookshelves continued all the way up, creating a giant library orb. At the very center hung a massive chandelier, larger than any tree, which bathed everything in a soft glow, perfect for reading.

Twilight could do little else but gape in awe. A breath of wind came in from the distance, carrying with it the rich scents of paper, ink, and age. It was the perfect library. Even the floor beneath her hooves had subtlely shifted into a short carpet with a soft geometric pattern. Even in her transfixed state, a small tear worked it's way out of Twilight's eye. Discord chuckled.

"Nice, isn't it? Every single book is here. Everything that has, was, is, will be, or could be written in all the central finite curve. This represents chaos as I know it. Full of potential, full of possibilities. Now, Twilight... how'd you like to read one?"

"I... I..." she stumbled, her mouth unable to respond as her brain continued to stall. "I... I... Yes!" She finally exclaimed her desire as she rushed to the nearest shelf. She grabbed a heavy tome, the binding of which had a metallic sheen unlike any material she knew of. She was all prepared to rip it open and devour it's contents when Discord stopped her.

"Ah ah ah!" he chided, "Let's not ruin the metaphor just yet. Like I said, if this library is chaos, then this librarian represents Las Pegasus."

A pony popped into existence immediately in front of Twilight, causing her to fall back in surprise and drop her book. Rather than a traditional librarian, this pony looked more like a brute than an intellectual. He wore a crisp pinstripe suit which did little to hide his bulging earth pony muscles, and his shaved mane failed to give him any ghost of a friendly appearance. With his dark black shades and trilby, he looked every part the classic mafia goon, straight out of one of Spike's comics. The only out of place aspect was the small "Librarian" tag on his collar, though the quotation marks around the title made even it seem sarcastic.

He grabbed the book off the floor and opened it, staring impassively at the contents. His hooves moved quickly, too quickly for the eye to make out what he did, before quickly closing the book and putting it back. He grabbed the next book, did the same rapid movement trick, and put it back. He continued faster and faster, until he was nothing but a blur, moving down the shelf and going through an entire row of books faster than a pony could trot the same distance. Within moments, he was a mere speck in the distance. Twilight looked on in confusion.

"Don't worry," Discord said with Cheshire grin, "It's still the same book. He just... organized it for you. Made it less chaotic, if you're keeping in mind the metaphor."

Twilight gave him a confused look as her horn cautiously picked up the book and opened to an early page. She looked down and gasped in horror. She turned the page, then another, then another. She flipped to the middle as her breathing became heavy, and all the way to the end as her eyes shrunk to pinpricks.

"No..." she breathed, barely able to speak through the early stages of hyperventilation. She grabbed another book and flipped through it. "No..!" It was less of a moan now, more of an exclamation. She grabbed another book, then another book, then another. "No, no, no!" There was the rage now, fully furnished. Spreading her wings, she was off like a shot. She grabbed books in her magic as she passed, each ending in a variation of the same response. "No.. no... not this one... and this one too... and this one... and this one..." She kept going faster and faster, each new book being further apart. Soon she was off in the distance, though her cries of anguish echoed across the library.

Spike and Discord watched her go, the former in horror at his usually so well composed friend and mentor, the latter in mild amusement and self satisfaction. "You know, I think she just might be getting it. Seems making a personally relatable example actually worked. Thank you, Fluttershy." He tapped his index cards affectionately where they were tucked behind his horn. Spike finally brought himself to speak.

"What- what... Discord, what did you do to her?"

"Hm? Haven't you been paying attention? I'm putting, in her own terms, what being in Las Pegasus is like to me."

"Yeah, but... what in Celestia's name do those books say?"

"Why don't you see for yourself?" Discord smiled as he slid Twilight's first book over with a swish of his tail. Spike picked it up the way one might handle an aggressive cobra. "Don't worry, it shouldn't affect you as nearly as bad as it did her." He gestured down the stacks with a thumb claw. "Probably."

Deciding to put his faith in Discord, Spike swallowed his fear and opened the book. His tense expression immediately melted into confusion. "Aaa?" he asked.

"Aaa." Discord replied with a knowing nod.

Spike flipped further through the book. "I don't get it. It's just a bunch of strings of the same letter. Oh, now it's a bunch of b's."

"Exactamundo Spike," Discord confirmed, "The librarian put the book in alphabetical order."

"Wait, what? But that doesn't-" Spike's eyes widened as realization crept in. "Oh. Oh jeez. Yeah, I see why Twilight reacted the way she did. This is like, her perfect nightmare. All the books in the world and she can't read any of them. Harsh."

"True, true. But I believe I've made my point on why I don't like that city."

"Definitely," he gave Discord a pointed glare, "Just promise to never do this to her actual library. Not even as a prank. I don't think Twilight'd be able to take it."

"I Pinkie Promise," Discord swore as he went through the required motions. "I'm chaotic, not cruel. Speaking of whom though," he glanced at his watch where four hands were about to align, "She should be looping her way back right... about..."

A scream tore through the air. Or rather, it had been going on for a while but had only just become loud enough to really get noticeable. Spike turned around to the find source of the sound, where A blue-ish speck in the distance was rapidly growing larger. It barreled into Discord at near sonic rainboom speeds. Luckily, he'd had a split second to prepare himself with an oversized catcher's mitt and matching body armor.

He lowered Twilight Sparkle gently to the floor before suddenly shifting garb to an umpire's uniform. "Steeeee-rike! You're out!" he joked, before noticing her lack of general consciousness, "Oh, seems you actually are. Phooey, what a waste of a perfectly good punchline."

"Oh no, Twilight!" Spike rushed to her side, quickly checking her pulse, temperature, and mana flow. He sighed in relief. "She's fine. I think she just wore herself out and maybe had a bit of a panic attack." He glanced worriedly at the library around him (as well as the trail of spilled books in each direction), "Still, I don't think it'd be a good idea for her to wake up right next to the books that caused her trauma." He paused a beat, waiting. "So if you could... uh..." Spike waved his claw at their surroundings leadingly.

"Hm? Oh yes, right." With a snap of Discord's talons, the library vanished in an instant and the three were back on the train. Twilight specifically was on a comfortable looking fainting sofa, a cool moist towel on her forehead.

"She should come around in a few minutes. I just hope she'll be okay in the head, I haven't seen her get that worked up in a long, long time." Spike shot Discord a sidelong glance. "I'm also really glad we never had to fight you seriously. That was pretty dark for you."

"You should be." Discord said seriously, before a moment later reverting to his usual upbeat persona. "All that aside, we can use this time to come up with a daring plan to investigate that cult."

"Oh yeah, the cult." Spike said thoughtfully. "I'd almost forgotten why we came out here."

"That tends to happen when travelling with me." Discord admitted. "Now, I was thinking we start by rappelling down through the skylights-"

"Let me stop you right there." Spike pinched the bridge of his nose with his claws. "If we're gonna plan this while Twilight's out of it, then it's up to me to be the voice of reason. First off, how do you know there's going to be a skylight?"

Discord paused mid-rappel, his black bodysuited form left dangling off the ground. He lifted his nightvision goggles. "How? Because there's always a skylight to rapel down from. In every situation where I've needed to infiltrate a building secretly, there has been, without fail, a conveniently placed skylight or wide ventilation shaft."

"Uh huh." Spike grunted, unconvinced. "Well let me get into the role to play Twilight's Advocate then." He moved his claw up and down his neck as his voice struggled to find the right pitch and timber. "Friendship. Friendship. Friendship. Friendship. Nearly got it. Spike, take a letter. There we go, that's it."

Discord blinked, momentarily taken aback. "That is uncanny."

"Oh, this is nothing. You should hear my Celestia." Spike purred, sounding for all the world like Celestia's ventriloquist dummy.

“Okay, enough of her,” Discord shuddered. “You’re giving me flashbacks of marble.”

“Sorry,” Spike apologized, dropping back into his normal voice.

“S’alright. Anyway, you were just about to give Twilight’s rebuttal to my idea.”

“Right,” Spike continued with a nod, “If Twilight were awake, she’d probably say something like ‘Discord, you can’t just go breaking into places, cult or not. Why don’t we just walk in, introduce ourselves, and ask if we can have a meeting with whoever is in charge?’”

“But you and I both know that’s not going to work.” Discord replied.

“Yeah,” Spike agreed. “Twilight may be the expert when it comes to nonfiction, but I’ve read a lot of action and adventure stories, so I know how this goes. There’s no way we’d accomplish anything being so direct. At best they’d just start worshiping you and tell us whatever lies they think we want to hear, and at worst they run or attack us to hide some evil secret designs.”

"Though I wouldn't begrudge a bit of groveling..." Discord mused thoughtfully, tapping a claw to his chin.

"So if this was an adventure story," Spike wondered aloud, ignoring Discord, "what would the hero do to investigate the cult?"

"Rappel in through the skylight?" Discord asked hopefully.

"Again, no. No rappelling. The problem is, we don't know if they're actually worshiping you just for... whatever, peaceful reasons like they said in the pamphlet. Or if they're actually worshiping you evilly and want to carry out your 'divine will' by bringing about a new age of chaos or something." Spike began pacing back and forth, his claws making little noise on the carpeted train floor.

"We need them to somehow open up to us. Some way to make them tell us what we want to know, without them lying or hiding stuff because of..." he returned his gaze to the unmistakable form of Discord, Lord of Chaos, who was currently messily eating an excessively long submarine sandwich, the far end being held aloft by another instance of Discord. "...Yeah, that. Maybe we should find some way to make you less recognizable."

Spike's eyes lit up in a glow as an idea blossomed forth. "Or maybe we need to make all of us less recognizable!"

Discord burped as he polished off his sandwich, wiped his mouth with a napkin, and then ate the napkin as well. "Sorry, what was that?"

"Disguises!" Spike exclaimed, growing more excited as possibilities expanded in his mind. "We can just go in the front and ask around, as long as we do it in disguise! Ponies will suspect something is up if their religious icon and a princess show up at the door, but they won't bat an eye at just another couple of interested people who read the brochure. Then we'll be accepted in and we'll be able to investigate without raising suspicion!"

A sudden gasp, not unlike the sound of a drowning mare finally coming up for air, split the room. Twilight sat up in a panic, eyes wide and breathing hard. Her eyes darted rapidly, like a scared animal. Spike was quick to rush to her side. "Twilight, it's okay! We're back in the train."

Her breathing slowed as she took a better look at her surroundings. "Library...gone?" she breathed between deep restorative breaths.

"Yes, it's gone and you're alright now. Everything is safe and organized." Spike patted her consolingly as he leaned in for a supportive hug which she gladly accepted. The two held each other close as her breathing and heart rate returned to normal levels.

"So," Discord piped in cheerily, completely ruining their moment. "How was it being somewhere completely anathema to your very existence?"

If looks could kill, Discord would likely have imploded, exploded, and been severely perforated on the spot. With a power comparable to Fluttershy's Stare, Twilight forced Discord to hold eye contact with her. "Never. Again." Her tone brooked no argument.

He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. "Er-herm, yes, right then." His voice turned hopeful. "That aside, do you now understand my point?" He held up a questionnaire card and short pencil. "On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your experience, based of level of relatability and general emotional impact?"

Card and pencil both burst into flames and were reduced to ash near instantly. Still using them despite this, Discord made a mark on the ash-card with the ash-pencil. "So I'll put that down as a seven then? Maybe a shaky eight?"

Twilight closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry Discord. I brushed off your feelings and how much of an effect this city would have on you. And while you maybe did go a bit overboard, you still tried to find a straightforward way to make your feelings known. I'm glad to see you're putting your lessons in friendship into practice, and I'm sorry I failed to treat you with the same respect. If this city is too much for you, we can always-"

But her heartfelt apology was cut short. "Oh no need for the theatrics dear Twilight, all is forgiven." In a flash he coiled himself around her like a snake and gave an over-dramatic hug. "Besides, it won't affect me nearly as bad as the library affected you. I've had thousands of years to grow a thick skin after all."

Twilight smiled as the impromptu group hug broke apart. Though still somewhat shaken, she was honestly surprised and pleased at Discord. Though his methods were unusual to say the least, he successfully applied a friendship lesson without prompting or as a last ditch measure to a practical situation. Even in such a short time from his reformation he had made great strides at which she couldn't help but internally beam at. And taking hold of that internal optimism, she reignited their conversation.

"So did anything important happen while I was unconscious?"

Deciding to float around for the time being, Discord responded, "Well, Spike here just came up with the brilliant suggestion that we infiltrate the cult through the front door by donning disguises."

"That's a great idea!" Twilight replied before shooting a beaming smile to her number one assistant. "Good job, Spike!"

"Heh, it was nothing." Though his words were modest his expression gave away his pleasure at being praised.

"So what disguises did you come up with?"

A silence filled the room. "We... er... hadn't gotten that far yet." Spike admitted.

"Though I must admit to not being at a loss for ideas." Discord countered, eyeing up the pair in front of him like a sculptor eyeing a marble slab. "Oh the things I could do with you two..."

Twilight gave a nervous laugh, slightly put off by the way Discord was looking her up and down. "I... Thanks? I think? But I think I'd much rather create a disguise for myself." Her face lit up as she had an idea. Grabbing her saddle bag in her magic, Twilight rummaged for a minute before brandishing aloft a pair of glasses. "If we're going to be creating new characters, I might as well use the alt I wrote up for our game earlier."

"You created an alternate character?" Spike asked in surprise. "When? How did you even know to do that? I thought you said that was your first time playing?"

"All true," she responded, "But Shining Armor used to play Ogres & Oubliettes obsessively back when he was in school, so it's not like I haven't watched him do something similar." She giggled slightly, "He was always so quick to rush in and save everypony, he had to start every campaign with at least four backup characters ready." She finally donned the glasses and struck a pose. "Just call me Nightfall Glitter, a librarian with a mysterious past."

"Oh, bravo," Discord slow clapped ironically, "The bookworm creates a librarian character, how original. And you left her past a mystery so you can edit and enhance it as you go. Tell me, is she also secretly a magical prodigy? Long lost daughter or student of someone famous, perchance? And are we just going to hope no one addresses the fact that you're still an alicorn?"

"Yeah, I gotta agree with Discord." Spike admitted, "That's pretty much a self-insert."

"I'd like to see you do better," Twilight pouted huffily.

"Yes, but that's too easy." Discord replied, "Rather, I'd like to see you do better. Take the character you used in the campaign earlier for instance." He reclined in the air as he began counting off features in his claws. "She had a unique backstory, with a focus on science over magic. A clear set of skills and abilities. Even an Earth Pony to boot. A unique individual, about as distinct from 'Princess Twilight Sparkle' as you can get." He paused for a moment, contemplatively, as his extra claws fused back into his original ones. "Actually... hm. Well I suppose...ah, well it's a start."

Grabbing hold of a dimmer switch on the wall, Discord began subtly adjusting it left and right. As he did so, Twilight's mane and coat began shifting colors like an old television. He stopped once she was back to the shades of green of her Triton persona. A quick snap, and her mane lengthened, straightened, and pulled itself back into a Prench plait. "There you are," he concluded with a flair, "One Triton alias, fresh out of the oven."

She raised an eyebrow. "Gee. Thanks. But don't you think an intergalactic fugitive will attract more attention than a Princess would?"

He shrugged. "No one knows about that except the three of us. Just don't mention it and you're a perfectly normal Earth Pony. Admittedly one with a questionable sense of fashion."

Twilight scrunched her muzzle as she glanced at her multi-buckled jacket. She snorted slightly and sat down on her haunches in a huff. "Fine. I'll be Triton again." She glanced back Discord's way, "But that still leaves you and Spike. Who are you going to be?"

Discord smiled as he pulled out a swivel chair from behind his back. "I thought you'd never ask." In a smooth and fluid motion, he placed himself in the chair and kicked off, causing it spin so fast both he and it became a blur. As the chair finally slowed down, it became apparent that a new figure had taken Discord's place. His form was that of an Earth Pony, with a goldenrod coat. He was slightly taller and broader than your average stallion, but not outside of the norm. His mane, which shone like burnished copper with traces of silver, hung down to his neck in loose waves. He stood up from the chair, which allowed a long red coat of some thick material to trail out from behind him. All in all, he was rather handsome, in a youthful grandfatherly sort of way.

He approached Twilight with a confident swagger and took her hoof forcefully. "Pleasure to meet you dearie." He greeted, his smile magnanimous and disarming, "Doctor Fevered Disco, Em-Dee, Dee-Dee-Ess, Pee-Aech-Dee, Aye-Ee-Dee, Em-Ess-Gee, Pee-Dee-Eff, esquire, eccentric millionaire, at your service!" He finished with an elaborate bow.

Twilight extracted her hoof from his grip as she gave his disguise a once over. "Not bad," she admitted, "Looks convincing enough. But why choose a doctor? What if somepony calls your bluffs and asks a medical question?"

Without a word, Discord reached into his coat and pulled forth a rolled scroll. He snapped it open, revealing it to be a diploma from the Canterlot School of Medicine, signed and officiated, bearing his full title. Twilight rolled her eyes. "As if that's even real."

Discord snapped his diploma shut and returned it to his pocket. "Maybe it is," he countered, "I do have a life when you girls aren't around, you know."

"Oh, oh! Me! My turn next!" Spike exclaimed, hopping back and forth in excitement.

Discord chuckled as he rubbed his hooves together. Sparks danced between them as ghostly images of ponies and other creatures of various shapes and sizes floated into being. "What'll it be then, Spike m'boy? Something taller, perhaps? Maybe in a shade of blue? I can see you strutting your stuff even now. Or maybe you'd prefer something of the pony persuasion? I have an excellent assortment of unicorns freshly minted. Comes with over thirty fully-customizable mane options. Pick anything you want."

"Anything?" Spike asked curiously, "Even something a little... unusual?"

Discord smiled broadly at the question. "Spike, you can be an octopus in a suit if you want. The sky's the limit."

"But remember we're trying not to stand out." Twilight reminded them hastily, "Just keep that in mind."

More ghostly figures popped into being, all manner of species and color combinations. "Not a problem Twilight. Anything he picks I can make ponies accept as normal. Minotaur, centaur, changeling queen. Even a swarm of collective-consciousness parasprites. Griffins are also a popular choice for the Spring season. All the flight options of our Pegasus model, but without sacrificing your opposable claws."

"I'll take that one!" Spike interjected.

"Griffin it is then," Discord clapped, and all the images popped like soap bubbles. "And I have just the perfect look for you too. It'll fit perfectly with the backstory I've been drafting for us."

"Backstory?" Spike and Twilight asked in union.

Discord pointed behind them. The pair turned to see a team of three miniature undisguised Discords frantically typing away at a set of typewriters. A long spool of paper trailed from top of each, being pushed upwards another inch every few seconds. One stopped for a second to give a friendly wave, before another elbowed him to get back to work.

"But enough of that, it's time for your close-up Spike!"

A red fog shot from Discord's hoof like a flare and struck Spike in the chest. With a swirl of mist and small twinkling lights, Spike rose into the air. The lights grew brighter and brighter as Spike's entire body began to glow. In a flash and a pop, everything went white.

As Twilight blinked the spots out of her eyes, she gasped at the new creature checking itself out where Spike had been standing only moments prior. As with most griffons, the front half of his body was covered with feathers, while the back was covered in fur. The plumage of his face and neck was a vibrant red, which transitioned to a subtler tannish pink fur on his hindquarters. Several tufts of feathers stuck up on his head, similar to Spike's original head spines, dominated by a singular much larger tuft at the front. A patch of dark feathers surrounded his eyes, highlighting the golden pupils within. His foretalons were black, and noticeably longer than his original claws had been. A long tail stretched out behind him, the tufted tip the same color as his plumage.

Discord beamed proudly at his creation. "Mwah! Beautiful! Magnifique! Tres bien! Another fine creation of Discord Industries™."

Spike spun slowly as he checked out his new body. He batted at his tail, which seemed to dodge his claws as though thinking for itself. He spread his burgundy wings wide, getting a feel for the new muscles and joints. Twilight too was closely inspecting his body with a strange cross between scientific fascination and familiar concern.

"Do you feel alright, Spike?" she asked, concerned over how much more extensive his transformation had been compared to her own.

"Yeah, I think... I think I'm good. Feels pretty weird for sure." His voice was somewhat higher than usual, and had gained a melodic, almost song-like quality to it. He turned to meet Twilight's gaze but stopped short. "Hey wait a minute!" He raised a claw to the top of his head, and moved it horizontally towards Twilight. It landed at the base of her horn. He whipped back around to Discord, a fire in his eyes. "What gives?!"

"Is something not to your liking?" Discord asked in a neutral tone, all smiles.

"Yeah there is! Why am I still so short?" He attempted to stomp angrily, but his newly reupholstered back legs reduced it to a muffled 'fwoomp!' of anger instead. "Every griffon I've ever met has been as tall as a pony at least! A bunch of them were even taller. So why am I barely as tall as Pinkie?"

"You're right," Twilight agreed, eyeing the difference between then, "I do seem to still have a few inches on you."

"It all has to do with your species," Discord clarified, "You're currently a subspecies of griffin, less common nowadays but not really rare. Sure you sacrifice a few inches, but you couldn't have this stunning head of feathers without it." He conjured up a mirror so Spike could finally take a good look at himself. "I have my own reasons as well, but they shouldn't come into play until later. It all makes sense if you read your backstory."

Spike took a moment to respond, lost in his reflection. He tried on a series of expressions, ranging from dignified and haughty to downright silly. After about a minute he seemed to make peace with himself. "Alright, I guess it's okay." He sat back down on his haunches. "Oh, uh... one thing though?" He tapped his claws together both nervously and in mild embarrassment. He mumbled something too quiet to decipher.

"Eh? What's that? Speak up sonny." Discord instructed as he pulled out a large ear horn.

"Could I maybe have a moustache?" Spike blurted.

Twilight looked at him curiously. "Spike, I don't think griffins have moustaches. How would you even go about growing hair on a beak?"

"Gustave had one," Spike reminded, "Remember? He was that chef who entered that competition with the Cakes and Pinkie?"

Twilight's eyes widened as the specified memory asserted itself. "Oh. Right. I suppose they can then."

"It's not like it's even a problem for me though," Discord added. With a sound like tearing Velcro, Discord pulled off his eyebrows like a bandage and slapped then onto Spike's beak, who squawked in surprise. "And bonus points for recycling."

Spike gave his new facial hair an experimental tug, testing their connection. The white stood out against his red and black plumage creating a very appealing contrast. "Not bad," Spike mused, twirling one end experimentally, "I could get used to this. Now I just need a name and we'll be all set."

"Might I suggest 'Dantalion'?" Discord proposed with a small grin. "It will set some things up nicely for me later."

"Dantalion, huh?" Spike tested the name out, rolling the syllables around his teeth. "I like it. Sounds kinda fancy. No, wait," he paused, "Don't all griffin names start with a 'G'?"

"Just the noble houses," Twilight clarified, "Griffins are very particular about keeping track of the royal bloodline."

A shrill whistle cut through the air. "I guess that'll have to do because unfortunately, we seem to be just about out of time." Grabbing hold of the papers, Discord stuffed them (backstories, typewriters, and mini-Discords included) into his jacket pocket. "Don't worry about your cover stories, I'll fill you in on the way."

The three stumbled slightly to one side as the sudden inertia from the slowing train affected their bodies. Faint music trickled through the walls, brassy and exciting.

Discord stood in the front, his countenance ready for action and adventure in an expression best described as gleeful.

Twilight stood to his left as she levitated all her unread books and note-taking supplies into her saddlebags. She blew a lock of mane out of her eyes, one of the two strands of bangs which had evaded the braid and hung forward like antennae. Spike took Discord's left, where he shuffled his wings constantly as he tried to make them look natural.

"Brace yourself, Las Pegasus," Discord murmured as the doors opened with a rush of steam and sunlight, "We're bringing chaos back to town!"

Author's Note

Would you believe I've actually been working on this pretty regularly?
I do most of my writing in several sentence bursts whenever I get a free moment at work, then roll around ideas of what should happen next while working.
The whole story is planned out, I just need the time to actually put pen to paper.

A Doctor, a Scientist, and a Cardinal walk into a Casino.

Two earth ponies and a dwarf griffon stepped out onto the streets of Las Pegasus amidst a large crowd of tourists doing the same. Two of them began coughing immediately.

"Sweet Celestia!" Twilight exclaimed as she attempted to wave away the smell with a forehoof. "What on Equis is that smell?"

Discord inhaled deeply through his new pony nostrils, and released it with a contemplative lip-smacking. "The aroma of cheap fried foods, discount cigar smoke, and a large amount of very cheap perfume." He grinned knowingly. "Consider it your Las Pegasus welcome package. Don't worry, you'll get used to it in a few minutes."

Discord guided his still hacking companions away from the train station's exit and out of the main flow of traffic. As they gradually acclimatized themselves to the smells of the city, Spike, whose griffon hardiness had allowed him to recover much more quickly, took a moment to take in the city.

It was a grand affair. The buildings were tall, not a big as the skyscrapers of Manehatten, but far more lavishly decorated. Neon seemed to be the generally agreed upon theme, and the architects and decorators had apparently leapt on it with a passion. There wasn't a single building that didn't have either it's edges strung out in lights or an oversized mascot prancing across its surface in garish reds and greens. While most buildings looked very modern, others bucked the trend in the face as they graced themselves with the architectural stylings of ancient times or foreign realms. Layered pagodas squeezed themselves in between futuristic spires and stylish hotels. Every building had a name, proclaimed in large vibrant letters, and each seemed to be trying to outdo their neighbors in sheer scale and gaudyness.

Besides the lights and color was the constant unending noise. Beyond the general hubbub standard of any place with a large group of ponies, there was also the whirling, dinging, music and sounds which spilled forth from every open door. Every building had it's own soundtrack of games and ambiance, and they all played at once.

"This doesn't look anything like how Fluttershy described it." Spike murmured.

"And why is it so dark?" Twilight questioned, having finally adjusted enough to breathe and talk normally. "We should be well into late morning by now, but it's still so dim."

She was right. Despite the excess of neon, the city was surprisingly devoid of natural light. But then again, there was so much neon that most visitors probably would never even realize it. If some sort of sudden massive power failure was to occur, the city would probably be in pitch darkness.

"I believe I can answer both your concerns at once," Discord said. "Just look up."

They turned their eyes skyward. Above them sat a very thick cloud layer, heavy and dense. It would have seemed completely ordinary, if it weren't for a few small oddities. Here and there, various things seemed to poke down through the cloud. The bottom edge of some sort of of golden construction, a section that seemed to be in perpetual drizzle, even one particularly obvious section that looked like the bottom floors of a building.

"No way," Spike breathed, "Is... is there another city built right above this one?"

"Not another city, per say," Discord clarified, "But close enough. That," he pointed, "Is New Las Pegasus. Or Upper Las Pegasus, or just uptown Las Pegasus. The naming debate goes back decades. Chances are that's where Fluttershy visited, otherwise I doubt she would have returned with such fond memories of the place. Lots of mass entertainment centers up there as well as the middle-tier resorts. It's all very foal and family friendly."

"Down here, however," he gestured back to the hustle and bustle of their surroundings, "Is the Las Pegasus that's been building on itself and becoming more and more extravagant over the last five hundred years."

"Amazing..." Twilight mused, "I had no idea this city had such a unique history and design."

"Well yes, I rather doubt you'd have found anything about Las Pegasus in a textbook on magical theory. Game theory perhaps, but that's beside my point."

They probably would have continued staring at the sky for a good while longer if it weren't for three sparkly dressed mares with obviously dyed manes who called out to them from a nearby alley.

"Hey there," the pink maned one called, "You look a little lost. First time in the city?" At Twilight's hesitant nodding, she smiled. "Well, perhaps what you stallions need is three lovely young mares to show you around?"

"Um..." The cyan maned pegasus and clearly youngest of the group piped in, "I think the one in the jacket is a mare." Good looks aside, her whispering skills were atrocious.

"I have no problem with that," pink mane replied smoothly, though she did adjust her pose ever so slightly.

"How about you old timer?" The eldest mare of the group who sported a lime green mane addressed Discord. "You look like ya know your way around the block, but I bet there's still something new I could show ya."

Discord raised an eyebrow. Whether it was due to being addressed as an "old timer" or the intricate dance the mare's eyebrows seemed to be doing, the world would never know. There was a pause for a moment before limey gave the cyan maned mare a light cuff to the back of the head. She snapped to full attention immediately.

"Oh! My turn. Right, yes. Hello there you..." she drifted off as she finally took in Spike's crimson form. A cross of surprise and confusion overtook her face as she found herself a at a loss for words. An awkward silence arose between the two groups, as they each waited to see just where in the world she would go with this.

Eventually, limey leaned in towards her compatriot and whispered, "Why'd you stop?"

"Well... he... I mean she.. or is it... well it's a griffon!"

Her whispering had surprisingly not improved since several moments prior.

"So?"

"So, I don't know what I'm supposed to say to a griffon!"

"And if you don't know what to say then you..." Limey said leadingly.

"Oh, right! The manual." From somewhere within the sequins of her outfit, the mare pulled out a battered and weathered old book. Half the pages looked like they were held together with little more than good faith, but still the small mare leafed through confidently. Twilight and Discord shared a look as the mare searched through her book's index. A brief but very complex series of exchanges (consisting entirely of minor head shakes and gestures, widenings of the eyes, and eyebrow movement) resulted in the agreement that they should probably leave, but didn't know how to best break off the interaction. Meanwhile, Cyan had come across a problem.

"It doesn't say anything about small red griffons."

"Then use the default."

"Oh, good idea." More pages turned.

"Oh this is embarrassing." Pink bemoaned as she turned her gaze skyward. "First potential clients of the shift and she's ruined the whole mood before we could even get started."

"Lay off' 'er, she's still new."

"Not that new. She should be able to improvise by now. It's a fundamental skill."

"Ah ha! Here's the griffon section." She cleared her throat and began reciting in a stilted and awkward voice. "Hey there young... cub slash chick. That's some nice... plumage you have there. Tell me... is that ruff natural or did you do it... yourself?"

She looked up with wide expecting eyes, ready and prepared to to be showered with praise for her stunning delivery. Unfortunately, the sight which met her eyes was that of her three potential patrons already a significant distance away and blending into the crowd.

Another admonishing blow came to the back of her head. "Nice goin'. You botched the delivery and they left before you could seal the deal."

Cyan rubbed the back of her head and her reply was soft and subdued. "I'm sorry..."

Pink rolled her eyes. "Keep this up and you'll be a novice until you're my age."

"Now don't be like that, not everypony gets it right off the bat." Limey placed a comforting hoof around Cyan's depressed form. "Don't let her get you down. You're out here with us to get field experience, and that exactly what you're doing. Learn from your mistakes. Study that manual for the basics and practice bein' flexible like. Work hard an' before you know it, you'll rank up from a novice, to a journeymare, all the way to an officially sanctioned, union approved Las Pegasus tour guide!"

She lifted her cyan mane to dry her eyes, revealing her yellow roots in the process. "You... you really think so?"

"I know so. Now buck up filly. Plenty more ponies'll be headed our way once the express train gets here. Lots of impressionable tourists with outdated maps in need of a fresh-faced young tour guide."

After escaping their woefully misinterpreted first interaction, Twilight and company merged with the ponies traversing the main street of Las Pegasus. The crowd was thick as groups and individuals alike made the trek between hotels, casinos, and restaurants with little to no regard for wherever anyone else was trying to go.

Discord, of course, seemed perfectly at ease with this natural occurrence of chaos. He bobbed and weaved amongst the crowd like a swimmer, perfectly timing every backpedal and sidestep to avoid collision by slightest of margins, making the whole thoroughfare seem like a well rehearsed choreography.

Twilight, however, was not having quite as much success navigating the crowd. Growing up in Canterlot, where the guards enforced the rules of the road, and subsequently living in Ponyville, where the pedestrian to street size ratio was healthily low, had left her ill-equipped to handle the dense traffic of Las Pegasus. There was no order, no logic, not even dedicated sections for "ponies going roughly up the street" versus "ponies generally travelling downward". Every step seemed to invite somepony to cut her off, and every startled backstep led to a minor collision and a flurry of apologies. Her mouth soon set itself to autopilot in an endless stream of "Excuse me. Pardon me. Sorry. Excuse me. Terribly sorry. Coming through. If you could just... sorry, go ahead then."

Spike had given up entirely and was riding the trip out on Twilight's back. His foreclaws gripped the two locks of mane that continued to fall in front of her eyes, which had the dual effect of keeping her vision clear and also giving him a way to hold on as she stumbled along. A few ponies gave them odd looks, but most just brushed it off as another one of Las Pegasus's eccentricities.

After running into umpteenth pony, Twilight snorted in frustration. "This is ridiculous. We'll never make any progress at this rate." She cast her gaze about, over what limited distance she could cover. She hadn't seen Discord in minutes, after he had slipped through the crowd. She took a deep breath to call out for him. "Di- Hey!" But the first syllable became strangled in her throat as Spike gave a sudden sharp tug to his hair reins.

She shot him a look. "What was that for?"

"You were about to yell out for him." Spike replied, "But we're using code names, remember?"

"Once we find the cult sure, but do we really need to start using them now?"

"Cultists could be anywhere," his avian eyes scanned the crowd warily, giving off a frightening aura despite his size. "Better safe than sorry, right?"

"I suppose that's rational." She readied herself to call out for him once more, before she paused and turned back to Spike sheepishly. "Ah... what was his code name again?"

"Disco," he replied without missing a beat, "Dr. Fevered Disco."

"Right." She called out for him, using his proper name this time, even as a small voice in the back of her mind worried that he'd already gotten bored with that name and chosen another without telling them. Luckily though, he'd apparently stuck with it.

"You rang?" Discord asked, making Twilight jump as his voice came from her immediate left.

"Don't do that." she complained, "We need to stay together, stay focused, and not wander around."

"Wandering? Wandering? Why I'm not wandering." He looked aghast. "Wandering implies that I have no clear goal, direction, or idea of where I am, and I have all of those things in abundance. I'm merely moving effectively through the crowd. Something it seems you could use a few pointers on."

She rolled her eyes, but allowed a small smirk to escape onto her features. "Alright, fair point. But could you at least stay close? I doubt it'll be easy to find each other if we get too separated."

"Fine." Discord agreed, taking to the front as he began to lead the group forward. He still bobbed and weaved around the incoming ponies, occasionally slipping back alongside Twilight as the crowds allowed, but at least they were steadily moving forward as a single unit.

"So Disc-" Twilight was once again interrupted, this time by a hoof to her muzzle.

"Ah ah ah," Discord chided, "Code names, remember?"

Twilight grumbled irritably. "If I still had my magic," she muttered, "it wouldn't even be a problem."

"Magic?" Discord inquired, "Of course you still have your magic. You're just disguised after all. It's a lot easier to try and disguise an alicorn than reverse the process of making one."

Twilight paused as she shifted her focus upward curiously. Sure enough, she could still feel the electric tingle of her magic just fine, despite the apparent lack of a physical appendage. She stopped walking and concentrated, causing a young stallion going to other way to bump into her. Ignorant to or just ignoring the contact, Twilight continued and a barely noticeable pink aura covered the group for a moment before dissipating.

The spell cast, she let out a small breath of relief. "There. I cast a privacy spell on us. We can say anything we want and all anypony else will hear is murmured gibberish, designed to blend in with ambient crowd noise." She shot both Discord and Spike a look. "So can I please ask something without being shushed?"

"Have it your way." Discord acquiesced, having bobbed around to her other side while she was distracted. "But you'll wish you had used this time to practice when it comes down to the real thing."

She nodded. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Now," Twilight paused to collect her thoughts, accidentally coming between a meandering elderly couple in the process. She apologized briefly, only for the stallion to shake his cane and mutter about young ponies and their gibberish slang as he left in a huff.

"Anyways," Twilight picked up, "I was going to ask where you two thought we might start looking for the cult headquarters. With a city this size, going street by street would be incredibly inefficient."

"I dunno," Spike replied, "I pretty much figured that Discord'd have a plan. Like maybe he could scan the city for pockets of concentrated chaos."

"No can do Spike." Discord suddenly was in front of the group walking towards them. "While of course I could do that, though honestly I probably wouldn't anyway, far too straightforward for my tastes, in the unlikely event that this cult has actually managed to tap into the Great Chaotic Manifold, they might by able to detect a sudden surge of chaos magic like me nearby. And it wouldn't do to tip our hand prematurely."

"Wait," Twilight interjected, "So you can't use any of your chaos magic?"

"Well... I didn't say that." He tapped one side of his ruddy coat proudly, causing a slight clicking. "I've prepared a few... let's call them 'artefacts'... just in case we end up a little deeper than I can bluff our way out of." He paused for a moment, frowning. "Also, imagine that when I said that, I had done so while slowly sinking into the ground, leaving just my lips above the surface. Ugh, it's been five minutes without constant chaos magic and already I'm sick of this."

"Do you really think they're that much of a threat?" Spike asked as he subtly steered Twilight to the left, turning a potential collision into a minor shoulder brushing. "I mean, what are the chances they actually have chaos magic?"

"Low, I'll admit." Discord admitted in a low voice, "But when it comes to anyone other than me using chaos magic, I say better safe than sorry." He faded into the crowd, only to pop up once more on Twilight's opposite side. "Even then, that's only one of three possible scenarios."

"Three?" Spike questioned as he pulled Twilight's mane again, earning him a grunt from the mare as he once more barely steered her away from a collision.

"Well, top three most likely. Most cults fall into one of three types." Discord began to count off on one hoof, apparently forgetting that he lacked claws at the moment. "There's a good chance it's probably a bunch of angsty teens, disillusioned with the world, and making a big fuss by rebelling against everything their parents ever told them about embracing harmony and togetherness by focusing on chaos instead. Maybe rented themselves a clubhouse and bought some advertisements by putting the bill on their rich daddies' dimes. On the other hand, it could be a scam. Somepony trying to make money by offering up the unspecified benefits of whatever they define chaos to be. Ripping off down and out ponies with vague platitudes and inspirational quotes, that sort of thing." He shrugged. "And yes, it could also be someone who's tapped into actual chaos magic and styled themself a divine being or something. Good odds it's one of those three. Anyway, to answer your question, no Spike. I don't have any sort of plan to find them. More fun that way."

He sidled up close to Twilight and patted her saddlebags. "Also, Twilight, please keep a better eye on your belongings. You've been pickpocketted three times already and I'm only letting you know because it's getting boring pickpocketing the pickpockets and placepocketing the things back in your bag."

"Well that's just great then!" Twilight exclaimed in a final burst of frustration. Despite doing her best to keep her cool, the constant noise and pushing and shoving and pushing and smells of Las Pegasus had been grinding her nerves down to a fine wire since she'd stepped off the train. Discord's nonchalant attitude had just been the straw that broke the hippocampi's back. "We have no plan on how to find them, and a skeleton of a plan of what comes next once we do! What do we do now?! I suppose we should just wander the city until we find a giant neon sign that says 'Secret Chaos Cult Headquarters! Right this Way! Sign up now to win a free toaster!' ?"

Twilight's rant left her breathing hard and posed on her hind legs, having used her forelegs to gesticulate the grandeur of the supposed signs. A small open space had formed around her, edged with ponies either trying to discreetly escape the crazy mare or wondering if this was a live advertisement for some attraction. Discord applauded softly as he came up along side and began directing her away. Apparently this was enough to convince most ponies it was some sort of show, and they quickly lost interest.

"Ooh, very good show of frustration. I didn't know you were such a method actor. I certainly was convinced. Now just keep that feeling in mind when the curtain parts and the real show begins."

Discord slowly nudged Twilight this way and that, effectively guiding her through the crowd and away from the scene of her outburst as he continued. "As for your question, essentially, yes. Literally, well, it may be more likely than you might think. They're not exactly trying to hide in the shadows."

"Yeah," Spike agreed. "I mean we're here because we saw an ad in the mail. "

"Besides, it really doesn't matter." Discord spun Twilight around suddenly, leaving her dazed and unfocused for a brief moment, "Because we're here."

"What makes you say..." Twilight began a rebuttal, but the words died on her tongue. At some point, they had apparently turned off the main road and onto a side street, possibly several times. None of the buildings looked familiar, which was certainly saying something given their stalwart refusal to look like each other. The building in front of her in particular was a skyscraper, in a technical sense. To be more accurate, it was a sky piercer, being so tall that clearly went on up and through the cloud layer without any sign of tapering off. It's decoration was gaudy, but no more so than it's neighbors. What made it so unique was what the designers had chosen for their logo. There was on outline in pink neon of a large cloud, which 'dripped' brown neon droplets. At the center of the cloud were several long spiraling strands of green and orange lights, which turned on and off rapidly to make the whole shape look like it was spinning into itself. The sign below the logo read 'Chaos Central Casino'.

If that wasn't enough, the marquee board over the entrance read: Proud Headquarters of the Chaos Connection. New Members Welcome! Now featuring the vocal stylings of Scherzo Concerto!

Spike hopped off Twilight's back and stepped forward inquisitively. He tilted his head left, then right, allowing him to take in the whole building to it's fullest. Satisfied, he nodded and turned back to the still gob smacked Twilight. "Yeah, I've got a pretty good feeling this is it."

"I guess so." Twilight admitted. "I don't know how we got here or how we missed it before, but this is definitely the place. The cotton candy cloud is rather a dead giveaway. It is kind of your thing, isn't it Discord?"

"No." He replied bluntly. "It is not my thing, it is a thing which I did once. That's the trouble with pony-created chaos. You're like parrots. You latch on to two or three non-sequiturs and repeat them over and over like they're still chaotic in any usage and quantity. Cotton candy clouds and chocolate rain are no more my thing than anything else I've ever done."

"What if I were to try and take over again?" He asked rhetorically. "Do you think it'd be all checkerboard fields and long-legged rabbits? Of course not! Maybe the ground would be like soft candle wax, with crystalline gypsum trees that grow Istallion cuisine. Where gravity is always adjacently perpendicular, and giant moths of flame perform aerial ballet with fish of living water through obsidian clouds." He sighed wistfully, as his poetic narrative turned internal.

After a few moments he shook himself from his trance and returned to the present as he noticed the odd looks Twilight and Spike were giving him. "Ahem, yes, right. Nevermind that. Anyway I'm not a fan of repetition and don't like being defined by any one thing I've done." He rubbed his head with a soft wince.

Twilight approached and put a comforting hoof across his withers. "Are you all right?"

"Yes, yes." He waved off her concerns. "This city is making it hard to concentrate and stay focused, and the chocoate rain thing is sort of a raw nerve, that's all." He shook his head, as if trying to physically shake free the cloud from his mind, and regrew his trademark grin. "I'm sure I'll be fine once we get inside and I can slip into a character. And now's a good a time as ever for us to get started." With that, he began a brisk trot towards the revolving doors. "Last one in gets their cover story dictated by the others!"

Twilight floundered for a moment before her brain caught up and she started after him, with Spike half-running half-flapping behind. Having a lucky thought, she quickly remembered to dispel the privacy charm before Discord could talk to anypony. She grunted as her shoulder hit the revolving door head on, but met more resistance than expected. Spike slipped into the same section of door just before the gap could close behind him.

"Is it just me," Twilight grumbled as the door made it's languidly slow rotation, "Or does Discord seem even more irksome and annoying than usual?"

Spike shrugged. "I dunno. I guess? Maybe he's trying to make up for not being able to do his visual gags."

"Maybe. Come help me push this. We need to get in there before he says or does anything ridiculous that we'll need to support."

The interior of Chaos Central Casino was pleasantly warm, a dear relief from the permanently undercloud chill of the city outside. A subtle electric tingle in the revolving doors indicated the presence of an air-freshening enchantment that likewise kept the smell of the city at bay. Unfortunately, there was nothing that could be done about the noise. Though less cacophonous than outside, the air was still rich with clicking, ringing, laughter and conversation, all bubbling over the music of some big band tune which was magically attuned to sound like it came from everywhere at once.

The main hall was set with a rich wine carpet, crisscrossed with gold thread to make a pattern of diamonds across the floor. A row of golden columns lifted the vaunted ceiling and created a pathway to the front desk. Past the columns on either side were rows of slot machines (abundantly occupied), with more refined and sophisticated games further on. The front desk was backed by a statued water feature, behind which was a raised area with various stairs, elevators, and customer services. A pair of overly wide staircases arched around from behind the fountain to come to a rest either side of reception desk, which was staffed by four mares with identical blazers, hats, and plastic smiles.

All in all, it was a very normal (if absurdly opulent and extravagant) casino. The only chaotic element would be Discord himself, though still in disguised pony form, who was nearly within the receptionists' conversation range.

"Hello, hello! Greetings and salutations!" Discord greeted with a bow and a flourish to the nearest receptionist.

She smiled cordially. "Hello sir, and welcome to the Chaos Central Casino and Hotel."

"Yes thank you dearie, lovely. Now I'm sure you know who I am so there no need for an introduction." He gave one anyway. "Disco, Doctor Disco, Doctor Fever Disco. I could go on but then we'd be here all day. Now I am sure you know all about my situation with the retirement and such." He leaned in conspiratorially and switched to a faux conspiratorial whisper. "Those papers, how do they get their sources?" He chuckled mirthfully.

The voice Discord had chosen for his character was a particular favorite of his. The pitch was higher than his usual timbre, and had a crispness to it that made everything sound somehow more intense. He spoke with a brisk staccato, never once fumbling or tripping over his words, occasionally stretching out a vowel to add almost a musical quality to it. If Spike was to categorize the voice, given his talent for mimicking such, he would place it somewhere between "wheedling aristocrat" and "boundlessly confident salespony". Discord had spent years fine tuning this voice, such that it had the most useful quality of making anyone who heard it think of him as trustworthy, knowledgeable, and above all, honest.

"Anyway," he continued, "I've heard it said on the breeze that there's a most interesting association based here. And since the board voted me out I've found myself afflicted with the most terrible malaise. I've been looking for something new and invigorating to sink my considerable fortune into, and I have high hopes for this being it. That is, if this is in fact the location of the society of which I have been lead to believe it is?"

The receptionist blinked in shock for a moment as she processed his rapid-fire monologue. To her credit, she recovered quickly. "Yes sir, Doctor. I do believe you have come to the right place. I take it you would like a room then?"

"I should think so. I hardly think I'll be able to come to any sort of important decisions in the span of a single day. No, this is the sort of engagement that behooves one to invest a certain amount of time. I prefer to fully engulf myself in new situations. Really get the full experience, you know. I think at least three months will be necessary. I will, of course, be paying up front."

"Yes sir, a three month stay." The mare pulled out a small binder from behind her desk and flipped it open to a royal blue tabbed section near the middle. "I believe we have an Executive suite available for immediate use. It comes fully stocked with all amenities and-"

"Dearie," Discord interrupted with an ever so slight glint of iron in his voice. "I haven't stayed in an executive suite since I made my first million."

"Oh, I'm so sorry sir. Please forgive my misstep." She quickly flipped ahead in her book toward a gold tabbed section. "Ah, we do have a Grand Royale Suite available, if that would be more to your-"

"Surely, in an establishment of this size, I should expect there to be a Princess level suite, shouldn't I?" That bit of iron had turned to steel.

The receptionist's mouth gaped for a moment as she flubbed her words. Her hooves automatically, if shakily, turning to the single black tabbed page at the end of the binder. "Y-Y-Yes sir," she finally managed, "We- we do have a Princess suite, but... but it's usually reserved for visiting heads of state or, dare I even consider it, the Princesses themselves. A-And even then it's usually booked only days at a time."

"Sounds splendid." The jovial warmth had returned to his voice. "I'll take it." He reached into his suddenly very expensive looking jacket as the poor mare continued stuttering her way through some sort of reply or comment. Pulling out a large velvet bag he began to count out a series of coins. Very quickly though, he lost interest and casually tossed the entire bag onto the counter. The drawstring held most of the contents inside, but a coins managed to slip out onto the desk. They glinted in the light from the chandelier, slightly larger than standard bits, silver tinged with a faint iridescent gleam.

"Will a thousand platinum bits be sufficient? I can acquire more, of course, but I hesitate to carry more than a little walking around money at any time." He tapped the side of his nose knowingly.

The mare gaped unabashedly and bag of bits which, in all likelihood, was more than her family had ever earned for the past three generations combined. Luckily for her, her adjacent coworker had been discreetly paying attention to the conversation, and had done better with keeping her wits about her. With a smooth slide and a subtle push, the new receptionist took over from her compatriot (who's brain had finally threw in the towel and allowed her to faint). She tapped a bell and a young pegasus in similar uniform swooped down from somewhere to land at her side. She whispered harshly into his ear as his eyes widened in shock. Following his orders promptly, the errand colt rushed off, bag of bits in tow.

She smiled with utmost respect at the most important guest the establishment had ever had the pleasure to serve. "Sorry about that sir, your payment is most sufficient and is being processed now." By this time, Twilight and Spike had finally made their way across the unnecessarily long entryway and stood at Discord's sides. The receptionist shot them a glare. "Excuse me, but I am currently helping this fine gentlestallion right here. If you need assistance, please either wait respectfully behind him or see one of my associates to your right."

"Ah, they're with me. Did I not mention that?" Discord gestured toward Twilight. "This is Nova Flicker, my financial advisor and consultant." A sudden wicked grin appeared on his face. "Also, my beloved niece. Isn't that right dear?"

"Wha- I- niece?!" Twilight gasped in sudden and understandable confusion. "I'm no-" She started to refuse before catching herself. No matter how ridiculous or nonsensical a concept it may be, the claim had been made and there was no going back on it now. The second he spoke, the relationship had become an established part of their backstory, and any action on her part to alter or refuse would only serve to make things difficult for all of them. The only possible choice was to play along.

Which was not to say that she couldn't still get Discord back for this. Quickly, Twilight ran through all the backstory and personality she'd designed for her Triton character back in the game. How would she respond in this scenario? A bit rough, a bit sarcastic? Twilight could work with that.

"Er, right, dear Uncle." She replied through gritted teeth that she made sure the receptionist could see. "And what about that little conversation we had earlier? About keeping this relationship professional while in public? Are we just not doing that now?" She gave him a rough, but familial, whap to his withers.

Discord merely guffawed, regrettably unfazed by the blow, "Nova, you need to lighten up. Stop worrying about appearances and money all the time and try to relax. Might do you some good." He turned to Spike, who had been discreetly snickering over Twilight's predicament. "Also, this is Dantalion, my valet and assistant. Where I go, he goes."

"I- Wha?" Spike balked, before quickly coming to the same conclusions that Twilight had. "I mean... yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes... sir?"

"Good lad." Discord turned back to the receptionist. "They will need accommodations as well. I trust the Princess suite is large enough?"

"Yes sir, you'll have the entire floor to yourselves." At this time, the pegasus colt returned, bagless but with a slip of paper. He passed it to the receptionist, nervously glanced at probably the most important ponies he'd ever seen, and quickly left to attend to other duties. The mare read the paper quickly before turning back to the guests. "Your suite has been prepared, valued guests. In addition, the proprietor has extended to you all level one gold memberships, and would like to meet in pony whenever it may best suit you."

"I'm sure we'd love to meet them as well." Twilight replied.

The receptionist opened a small door and stepped out before bowing slightly. "If you'll follow me please, I will show you to your suite. Following that, we have also arranged a short tour since you expressed interest in the Society." She turned and began walking up the grand staircase.

Twilight leaned in to whisper to Discord as they followed. "I really hope you have some kind of plan and aren't just making this all up as you go along. All this money isn't very discreet. And also, a niece and servant? If I find out you're just getting your kicks in at the expense of our investigation..."

"Have faith, Nova dearie," he replied without breaking character or changing his voice, "The best key to any door is an old stallion with too many bits and not enough sense. Works wonders in big cities where they're used to preying on the rich and overconfident. They also won't dream of separating master and servant, and a familial connection will keep you nearby as well. Not to criticize your acting, but I doubt you'd have been able to pull off being either my daughter or marefriend, so I chose the next best thing."

Twilight was surprised. She hadn't expected Discord to have planned things out so meticulously. Her image of him was starting to improve.

That image then shattered once more as he broke out into barely contained giggles. "Plus the looks on your faces when I said it! Oh the room was expensive, but that was priceless. I'll be pulling that from my memory and framing later."

Twilight rolled her eyes and smiled. No matter the circumstances, Discord would always be Discord.

Ahead of them, the receptionist waited at the doors of an elevator, patiently waiting to shepherd them into the belly of the beast.

Author's Note

Writing Discord is fun.
Writing Discord in a situation where you've prevented him from using his chaos magic is less so.

I fear this chapter may be a bit more plot heavy and a bit less less funny, but now we're finally where I wanted to be after the first chapter. The investigation.

And he surveyed what had been made, and found it wanting

The elevator, such as it was, was surprisingly standard and nondescript given the extravagance of the rest of the building. The walls had a simple if elegant, wooden facade accentuated by a well-polished brass hoofrail. The only really notable thing about it at all was the floor.

It was a mess of tiny black and white tiles, either very recently installed or else maintained by a meticulous and uncompromising janitor. There was no pattern or order to their placement, but the much less numerous white tiles were still roughly equidistant from each other, making it look less like an expression of true random chance and more like a pixelized dalmatian pattern.

The hostess stood by the door and gestured for her three charges to enter. They did so dutifully, filing in quickly. Just before the hostess could enter as well and set them off on their way, a bellhop rushed over, frantically waving for her to hold the doors and wait. He quickly whispered something to her, ever aware of the high profile guests mere steps away, as he hoofed over a small slip of paper. Her brows furrowed in an expression of worry and irritation in equal measure. It took her a moment to reapply her mask of calm, inscrutable hospitality. She made a few quiet noises of agreement, and the bellhop took over once more.

The hostess finally entered the elevator and addressed her guests as the doors closed behind her.

"Unfortunately, I've just been informed that due to the infrequency at which the Princess suite is booked it will take slightly longer than our usual standard to prepare it with all of the suitable amenities and accoutrements. I'm terribly sorry for this inconvenience."

"It's no problem," Twilight waved it off with an understanding hoof. "These things happen."

"Thank you. In the meantime, while your suite is being prepared, since you expressed some interest in the Chaos Connection Society, perhaps I could interest you in an abbreviated tour of the facilities?"

Twilight, Discord, and Spike shared a brief glance with each other. It was quicker than they'd planned to infiltrate, much quicker, but it'd be foolish to turn down such a ideal and lucrative opportunity. They turned back to her, all smiles.

"That sounds absolutely delightful," Discord grinned.

With a thankful smile, the mare pressed the button for a floor about a third of the way up, and the doors closed behind her.

"So then, my dear lady," Discord filled the awkward silence that accompanies the start of any elevator journey, "While I am well aware that this place is where the Chaos Connection makes it's home, is it true that they also hold ownership over the entire hotel and casino?"

"You are quite well informed sir," she confirmed.

"For a group that talks a lot about chaos," Twilight commented, "the lobby looked pretty normal to me, Miss...?"

"Swelter," she replied, "Summer Swelter. And yes, your confusion is perfectly understandable. While this building, formerly the Bon Chance Hotel and Casino, has been a landmark of Las Pegasus for over seventy-five years, only recently was it purchased by the Church and transformed into it's new headquarters. As such, renovations are still underway. Even now, many former bedrooms and conference halls are being converted into housing and functional space for the Congregation's use."

"Housing?" Spike questioned, "You mean ponies live here?"

"Oh yes. While there are few regular members who have taken up a full-time residence, nearly all of the upper ranking members and figures of authority have permanent accommodations within the building. As full dues-paying members of the Chaos Connection, they are provided full room and board, as well as regular access to meal services and round-the-clock access to all religious based resources and services."

"I couldn't help but notice how you seem to be regularly changing the Chaos Connection's title," Discord pointed out. "Is there some reason for that, dearie, or perhaps was there some sort of issue with the filed paperwork?"

"Oh no issues, sir." She quickly refuted, "Staff is in fact encouraged to continually change the Connection's title in general conversation, in order to better promote the chaotic principles on which it is based.

"I see..." His voiced was tinged with some indecipherable note of interest.

The elevator dinged as the latticed door slid open before them with a soft mechanical clatter, breaking the awkward silence which had grown in the wake of Discord's nonreply.

"Here we are." Swelter announced, stepping out quickly to avoid blocking the other's path. "Please exit this was towards the main lobby of the Chaos Connection."

The trio of secret investigators stepped forward as one, and braced themselves for whatever strange and absurd feature might be present in the entryway of a group which touted chaos as it's banner. Before their astonished gazed laid...

...a hallway. A completely ordinary hallway with no doors aside from the one behind them. They weren't even properly at the end of the hallway, rather they were a fair distance away with a dead end several paces to their right.

Discord tallied points in his head. As suspicious as he was about anything (other than himself of course) that claimed to be some sort of true chaos, he had to give this society points. Entering awkwardly into a hallway rather than a grand entryway was a surprisingly chaotic decision, one which he could agree with. Perhaps there might be some merit afterall...

"We apologize for this inconvenience," Swelter said, ruining Discord's moment, "But due to the placement of several load-bearing walls, reconstruction efforts were unable to place the reception hall immediately before the elevator doors." She gestured left and took a few steps ahead. "If you'll just follow me though, we'll arrive just beyond the turn in the hallway ahead."

They fell into line behind their guide, Discord hiding his pout at the lost potential behind the resting-displeasure face that many rich ponies inevitably develop. Twilight and Spike walked behind him, each keeping a wary eye out for anything that might signal any malicious intent or evil doomsday-cult inclinations.

The first thing to strike them about the actual reception hall was the colors. While the painting itself was neat and professional, everything was in loud bright colors which clashed like a colorblind clown's costume. One wall was a bright crimson while it's opposite was pale yellow. The floor festooned itself with a checkerboard pattern of shag carpet and marble tiles. No two pieces of furniture came from the same set, or even similar schools of design. Two clerks sat on uncomfortable-looking abstract chairs behind a vintage antique desk.

And, most eye-catching of all, behind the clerks stood a statue, if one could call it that. It was a monstrous figure. It's limbs were strange and mismatched, with a sinewy body far longer than any pony. It's proportions made a funhouse mirror look decently accurate, but most unsettling of all was it's face. Despite it's horrifying appearance, somepony had taken the time and dedication to make it's expression as warm and inviting as possible, like a mother beckoning in children from the cold. The contrast between face and body was... disturbing, to be polite.

Most ponies would have stopped their analysis there, but Twilight and company could take it a step forward. Those most would just see a monster, they could recognize a few familiar features.

It was... Discord, essentially. But almost everything about it was off. It was as if the reference material given to the sculptor was a crayon drawing done by a filly who had read the dream journal of a stallion traumatized by Discord's takeover of Ponyville and plagued with bad dreams. It probably would have been more accurate if the sculptor had been near black-out drunk when he worked, assuming he hadn't been already. Limbs were the wrong color and size, and there was a second set of arms lower down on his torso. Even his goatee and eyebrows had not been spared by the caricaturization, having been reimagined as three long spiraling locks that twisted about his frame like ethereal ribbons.

So shocked and surprised were they, that Twilight and Discord stopped in their tracks.

One of the clerks noticed them and gave a beckoning smile. "It's alright, I know the statue's a little unsettling at first."

They made there way up to the desk where Swelter was already waiting. There was silence for a moment before the second clerk nudged the first, who started. "Oh right, the new greeting." Placing one hoof behind his head, he gave a short half bow. "Bellybutton. Welcome to the Chaos Connection main headquarters. How may chaotically aid you today?"

"These ponies," Swelter started, before correcting herself, "And griffon, are high value guests at the hotel." Her features tightened as she embedded intent and meaning into her instructions. "Level One Gold Memberships. They're interested in the Church and would like a tour."

"Oh, new potential members?" The second clerk asked cheerily, either unaware or unconcerned over their status.

"That depends on you, laddie." Discord replied, "I've heard intriguing things about this group through some of my former colleagues, and if I find that what it stands for lines up with what I stand for well... I see no reason to withhold my considerable assets from aiding an association which associates with my associated interests."

"Wonderful!" the stallion replied, just as cheery as before. He turned to his colleague. "Gate, can you manage the desk? I'd like to handle this assignment myself."

Gate nodded back. "Of course, please show these honored guests the best of what we stand for here at the Chaos Connection."

He stepped out from behind the desk, and beckoned the trio of guests down a nearby by hallway. "If you'll come this way, I can show just how truly wonderful our chaotic little community here is."

"And I will remain here to show you to your suite once your tour concludes." Swelter added.

"Lead on then!" Discord announced.

And so twice in as many minutes Discord, Twilight, and Spike found themselves following a pony down a long hallway. This one was, whether it be considered lucky or not, much more of a talker.

"I'm Parson Grape Punch, by the way." He introduced himself even as he continued walking. "But you can just call me Grape. Or Parson. Or Parson Punch. Or anything really. We're not big on structured systems here at the Chaos Connection."

"So what are you big on here?" Twilight asked, "We've been here awhile already and I've yet to hear much of anything of substance about what my... Uncle is considering investing his money into."

"Yes, of course, of course. Here at the Chaos Connection, we place an emphasis of radicalized personal freedom. We believe it is the duty, nay, the privilege of ponies to consciously rebel against established structures in order to better optimize personal success and achievement through chaotically optimized strategies. We also operationalize world-changing theologies in order to holistically administrate exceptional chaotic synergy through distilling our identity and leveraging our core competencies toward effectively enhancing personal satisfaction through our proven methodology and ground-breaking philosophies. In addition..."

He continued on much in this matter, spouting nigh-incomprehensible quasi-religious gibberish which at times seemed to vary between a self-incentivizing seminar and an actual sort of religious doctrine. Even Twilight (who had, one boring rainy day, read the entire complete codex of Equestrian magical law) had trouble staying focused. Discord gave up after the first sentence, deciding that it was the worst kind of nonsense (which it saying a lot) and that nothing of value would ever come from this pony's clearly memorized monologue. So he turned his attentions to his surroundings.

Along the hallway were a series of framed photographs. Or, to be more precise, there were identical copies of the same photograph placed at three step intervals. It was a simple image of a sailboat on the sea. Also, each and every frame was tilted a few degrees clockwise. Twilight's eyebrow twitched ever so slightly as her organizational instincts screamed at her to fix-it-fix-it-fix-it-now, but keeping in mind that this was likely the very least of what she'd have to face in the near future, she held back her tongue and her hoof and tried to focus on parsing Parson Grape's homily. Discord was not so restrained.

Every couple of pictures he straightened out. Sometimes he skipped a few, sometimes he fixed a few in a row. There was no particular pattern. Eventually his repeated pausing caught the eye of their guide.

"Sir, please do not adjust the pictures. Their angles have been carefully arranged for optimum randomness."

"Just trying to do my bit," he replied smoothly, "Adding to the chaos and all that. Mixing things up a little"

Parson Grape smiled, unfazed. "We thank you for your efforts, but there's really no need. Out top chaosological theologians have determined that thirty-seven degrees is the optimal angle to tilt pictures to for maximum disorder."

"But they were all the same. Doesn't that just make a new order, rather than chaos? Wouldn't it be more chaotic for all of them to be different?"

Parson Grape hesitated, and his smile shifted (ever so slightly) to the one that an adult uses when trying to explain something to a particularly dense child. "Then they wouldn't be at thirty-seven degrees. And if they're not at the optimal chaotic angle, then clearly they're not producing maximum chaos."

"Ah, right then." Discord replied with an internalized frown, "I believe I understand your perspective a little better now. Do continue with the tour."

The parson turned and continued, falling easily back into his monologue. Twilight stepped up her pace so she could whisper without being overheard. "What was that supposed to be?"

"A test." He replied. "And the parson failed with falling colors."

Soon, they exited the hallway into a larger space. Parson Grape continued to speak incessantly, lauding the Chaos Connection ad nauseum while managing to say surprisingly little about what they actual did or stood for. He showed them first the fellowship hall, where a different style of music played from each corner of the room, and alarming combinations of food were served at reasonable rates. These ranged from the surprisingly appetizing jellied onions with whipped sour cream, to the nauseating pineapple-and-orange ravioli with mint jelly. Suffice to say, all food items were served in combination format.

Beyond the fellowship hall and up a flight of stairs took them to the main congregation hall, where, as expected by this point, traditional pews had been overlooked in favor of what could be only classified as the-contents-of-every-thrift-store-in-a-three-city-radius. Again, there was another statue of Discord behind the pulpit, this one slightly more accurate to his true form, but still a far cry from accurate.

Wandering more paths, more likely than not designed to be serpentine in nature, led the group to the still partially under construction commune residence area, where Parson Grape became particularly excited.

"Oh, this is a treat." He exclaimed as a particular pony came into view. "You all must be very lucky, as it seems you're going to get the chance to meet one of the most influential members of out little community."

"One of the founding members?" Twilight asked hopefully.

"Discord?" Discord smirked.

"Somepony who can actually talk sense?" Spike grumbled under his breath.

"Not quite. This is... the oracle."

The mare looked up from a magazine she'd been reading, surprise at suddenly being called out written on her face. Despite her title, she looked very ordinary. A yellow coat, a few shades darker than Fluttershy's, with a long lavender mane.

"Oracle," Parson Grape greeted with a strange reverence in his voice, "This is Doctor Fevered Disco, and his entourage. Might I beseech you to give them a few of your words of prophecy?"

The mare smiled, but also gave them a brief but thorough visual examination. Like an pawn shop owner evaluating a piece somepony wanted to sell, her eyes scanned over them quickly.

"Only the day bleeds as a blue fork." She greeted, "Six arrows. Mindlessly torpid, stones rarely smell a warm storm."

"Truly inspiring," Parson Grape sighed.

"Ah... sorry, but what did she just say?" Twilight asked.

"Miss Oracle, here," Parson Grape finally introduced the strange mare, "Has a very unique mental condition known as aphasia. She can understand language perfectly, but all her replies come out as a jumble of words and phrases." He closed his eyes in reverent bliss. "Truly, an expression of chaos in it's purest form."

"Thirty kings," she agreed.

"How curious..." Twilight mused. "It must be difficult, knowing what you want to say but being unable to express it. Have you ever sought treatment?"

"No storm is slow, no water is halcyon. What is sagacity after all..."

"Treatment? Now why would she ever want to lose this most sacred gift?" Parson Grape didn't sound angry, he was at most, surprised at her suggestion. "It is a blessing. Besides, those of us with more chaotically inclined minds have become rather adept at translating her meaning and intentions."

"A curious blessing indeed..." Discord spoke with an odd edge to his voice, just enough for Twilight and perhaps Spike to notice, but too subtle for the other ponies unfamiliar with his usual speaking patterns to pick up on. He sounded... not angry, no, but... something akin to suspicious irritation.

Oracle addressed the parson. "Where was the overclouded dawn then?"

"Hm? Oh, dinner will be at it's usual time."

She frowned, and tried again, with emphasis. "When do catapults ...become rapscallions?"

The parson sheepishly corrected himself. "Sorry, my apologies. Tonight's meeting will be just after supper, in congregation hall 15C."

"Hide never like a gritty gravel in dawn," she muttered under her breath, "Only the blizzard remains as a torpid fire." With that, she took her magazine and left. Parson Grape stared wistfully as she trotted away.

"Oh to be blessed by chaos such as she has. Now," he clapped eagerly, "Shall I continue the tour? There's plenty more to see and I've barely covered half of our tenets and doctrines!"

And so the tour continued, through meeting halls and living spaces, through wings under renovation halls where the vibrant and clashing paint had yet to dry. Up stairs and down elevators, covering what felt like a third of the building's interior space. And never once did the parson run out of glorifying things to say about the church, nor did he ever utter any actual iota of substance.

Eventually, thankfully, they returned to the lobby where they had first met the insufferably long-winded and cheerful parson. True to her word, Swelter was still waiting for them. Either she hadn't been needed elsewhere or their needs had been deemed important enough to for her to be rescheduled from any other tasks to act as their personal aid.

"Welcome back, honored guests." She half bowed in respect. "How did you find the tour?"

"It's was... certainly thorough."

"Colorful too."

"...enlightening."

"Excellent. Again, management would like to apologize for the delay in readying your suite. As compensation, several complimentary gifts have been prepared, as well as several likewise complimentary trays of chips, should you choose to visit the casino during your stay."

She stepped to the side as the elevator, perfectly timed, opened behind her. "Now, if you are prepared, I will show you too your rooms."

Author's Note

Very little character interaction and even less plot progression. This is, undoubtedly, pretty much a filler chapter. Still, it works to get me back into the writing groove now that summer has begun and I'm finally free of the education system.

Much more fun things to come next chapter.

Do you have time to talk about our lord and savior Discord?

"Mail's here!" Spike's voice rang out through the crystal halls of the Friendship Castle.

"I'm in the middle of something in the library!" a voice called back, "Could you bring it up please?"

The young dragon sighed and turned back to gaze on the enormous stack of mail. Bracing himself, he managed to wriggle his claws beneath the pile and slowly lift it high enough that it wouldn't impede his walking. As he began to make his way towards the library, his pace was still remarkably slow. With the pile of mail completely blocking his forward vision, he was having to traverse the halls almost completely from memory. After a few missed turns (and one missed stair which nearly led to a colossal mess) he finally arrived at his destination. He nudged the door open by backing into it, as anything else would have required his currently occupied forelimbs. Finding his way to the table, Spike finally released his heavy load. A few papers fell off the edge where he'd misjudged the table's placement, but the large majority stayed stable. Shaking the numbness out of his arms, he turned to face his friend and guardian.

"Is it just me, or do we seem to be getting a lot more mail since you got the castle?"

"Have we?" A distracted voice seeped from behind a wall of books. "One second Spike, just let me finish this last theorem and I'll be at a reasonable stopping point."

A few moments of quiet quill-scratching ensued before it abruptly stopped with a sigh. "Alright. I think I can stop there. Now Spike- Spike? Where are you?"

"I'm right in front of you Twilight," he called, "You walled yourself in again."

A few books levitated up revealing a pair of purple eyes behind. "Oh, there you are." More books became encased in a lavender glow as they began to fly back to their position on the shelves. "Whoops, sorry about that. I was researching and then a grabbed one for reference, then set it aside as I checked another, and then set that aside... I guess I was so focused I didn't realize how tall the piles had grown."

Spike chuckled, half in relief that she was putting the books away so he didn't have to. Doing it himself without magic would have taken most of the afternoon. "That's the third time this week, Twilight. What's gotten you so focused that you've started subconsciously forting again?"

She frowned slightly at Spike's joke about her younger self's tendency to accidentally construct buildings around herself while studying intensely. "It's not that bad, I just got in the new edition of Fool's Guide to Magical Constructs and I thought I would double check their proofs and cross-check their references. You know, something to pass the slow afternoon."

"Uh-huh, just something to pass the time then?" Spike was more than used to Twilight's often odd behavior around books, so this was actually quite a reasonable explanation. "Since you've got so much free time apparently, you wanna help me sort this mail?"

Twilight shifted her vision to the table behind Spike, or rather, the pile of paper where a table used to be. "Oh wow, you weren't kidding about it being a lot." Her eyes lit up, "And now we get to sort it all! Oh could this day get any better?!"

Spike rolled his eyes as Twilight practically threw herself into the pile. She popped back up a moment later, several letters in her magical hold. "Let's start with these. Now let's see. Here's a fan letter for me, and another, and one more." She passed them over to Spike, who grabbed them from mid-air and set them in a neat little stack on the previously book-filled table. "Here's an advertisement, a sale announcement, and a coupon book. You know what to do with these, Spike." He nodded, and set them aside in a little alcove between the shelves marked 'Scrap Paper for Bookmarks'. "Oh, here's one for you Spike, from the Crystal Empire. Looks like Thorax decided to keep in touch after all."

"Oh, great! I wonder how he's doing?" Spike asked aloud as he started a special pile by the door for any further things addressed to him.

Twilight laughed lightly as she flew several more ads to the bookmark bin. "Help me finish sorting and then you can find out. Here's Starlight's magazines." Several back issues of Magic Monthly and Equestria in the World Today floated over to start yet another new pile. "What else do we have here?" A pile of similar-looking slim orange envelopes removed themselves from the pile and passed in front of the alicorn's eyes. "These are for... Discord?"

Spike perked up. "Discord? Who'd send Discord mail? And why is it coming here?"

Twilight shook her head as she set them aside and blindly reached for another random envelope. "I don't know," she dropped it in the 'Discord?' pile and grabbed another, "but-" it too went in the pile, "there seems-" another several, in a variety of shapes and sizes, "to be suspiciously many of them!" Nearly three quarters of the remaining pile passed before her eyes in rapid succession and each made their way to the one pile which quickly grew to dwarf the others. She snorted in frustration, and yelled out "DISCORD!!"

"Oh come on!" came a muffled voice from within the remaining pile. "You haven't even gotten to me yet. How could you possibly know I was here?!" A brown scroll with red and white trim and a green ribbon wiggled it's way out from between the latest Power Ponies issue and one of Pinkie's daily party invitations. With a stretch and a pop, the message revealed itself to be none other than the self-proclaimed Lord of Chaos... grimacing as he slowly pulled a stamp off his eyebrow. "I mean, honestly," he glared down at Twilight, "I spend three hours waiting in your mailbox to pull a classic jump-scare and somehow you call me out on it well before the main event!" He turned around in a huff. "Some ponies just have no manners."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Fine, sorry then. Now could you please tell me why my mailbox is full of things addressed to you?"

Discord nonchalantly began filing his claws. "Well, those ponies at the Postal Service refuse to deliver to my house anymore. Something about it moving too much. Or maybe it was the dimension that moved too much? Or in too many ways? No matter. And dear Fluttershy can't take them either. She's subscribed to so many animal publications it'd even give a bookworm like you pause."

"Well, could you please rent a box at the post depot or something? We get enough mail as it is between the three of us who actually live here."

"Yeah!" Spike added, "Most of that pile was yours, and I nearly fell down the stairs trying to carry it all. Twice!"

Discord stopped filing his claws as a look of confusion overtook him. "Most of the pile?" he asked, "But all I was expecting was my subscriptions to Ponies are Friends: Not Playthings, Modern Pottery, and Chaos Whenever-ly. And that last one's published by me."

"Well," Twilight gestured to his pile of envelopes and packages, "it looks like you've got a little more than that."

He turned to look at the pile. Then back to Twilight. Then the pile. Then Spike. The pile. Twilight. The pile. Spike. The pile. Twilight. Spike. Pinkie, who waved briefly. The pile. Spike. The pile. The pile. And back to Twilight. "Really?"

Twilight nodded.

The Lord of Chaos blinked, somewhat taken aback. "All for me? Really?"

"Yes, really." Twilight insisted.

"Well, who're they from?"

"How should I know?" Twilight demanded, "Just open them already and find out!"

Discord snapped his claws, and an orange envelope grew a pair a webbed duck feet. It slid down the pile and waddled over to Discord, making soft jingling noises as it did. It continued along his tail, easily making the ninety degree turns up his back, along the underside of his furred arm and into his paw. The legs popped off and disintegrated into nothingness before they hit the floor. Not hesitating, Discord ripped open the top of the envelope, removing the page from within. His eyes scanned the page, moving back and forth quickly. "You don't say?" he muttered, "You don't say!" he gasped, "Oh you don't say..." he whispered.

Spike was getting impatient. "Well?" he demanded, "Who's it from?!"

Discord looked up from his letter, and met Spike's eyes with a level gaze. "They didn't say..." He turned the letter around so they could see the writing. "They didn't say anything in fact. The entire thing's utter gibberish." He was right. While some of the symbols were clearly Equestrian, most of it was either illegible or composed of characters from some unknown script. He tossed it to Twilight, who stopped her letter sorting to see if she could make anything out.

After a moment, Twilight shook her head. "I can't make anything out of it either. I recognize a few as Old Gryph, Buffalo, and even one or two draconic characters, but they're mixed in with Equestrian letters like they're one word." She offered the letter back to Discord. "Maybe there's something else in the envelope to explain it?"

Discord shook the upturned envelope over his paw. Instead of an explanation, two five-bit coins, three one-bit coins, and a piece of lint fell out.

"Is that it?" Spike asked, "Somepony went through the trouble to mail you thirteen bits and a letter you can't even read?"

Discord nodded slowly. "It would seem so. I must admit, even for me this is a tad strange. Perhaps I should open another one?" He snagged another similar envelope from the pile and cracked it lengthwise like a fortune cookie. He pulled out the message, glanced at it, and showed it to Spike and Twilight. More gibberish

"Another one?" Spike asked.

Twilight came closer to inspect the message in more detail. "This one's different from the last. There are no draconic characters this time, but far more ones I've never seen." She looked up to meet Discord's still somewhat flabbergasted expression. "This isn't some sort of weird reverse prank that you're using yourself to pull on us is it Discord?"

He gave a mock gasp of indignation. "Twilight, while I may be all in for the fun of not making sense, if I'm playing a prank there has to be a punchline. Otherwise how would you simple ponies know you were being pranked? I have standards." He looked at the meaningless message again, and tried turning it sideways. "That being said, I can see why you might think that. But I assure you, I am just as stumped as you are." He flipped the envelope with his tail, and out fell a twenty bit piece and nine one-bit coins. He flicked his tail again, and the coins flew through the air to land in a neat pile on Spike's head. "Here you go dragon-boy. Now you can buy that Ogres & Oubliettes expansion pack you wouldn't stop talking about last week."

"Sweet!" Spike cried, carefully gathering the coins and placing them with his letter by the door. "Thanks, Captain Was."

Discord smirked, "You're quite welcome, Wizard Garbunkle. Besides, what would I do with bits? If I want something, I simply whip it up myself." As if to make his point, a silver platter appeared in front of him, its contents rapidly shifting between gold bars, diamonds, a plate of steaming nachos, and Angel with Rainbow Dash's mane. Twilight, meanwhile, was absorbed in the two messages of indecipherable writing.

"Discord?" she began, her attention still shifting between the pages, "Do you think you could open a few more? I- I think there may be a pattern here, but I don't have enough references to decipher it."

"Well I might as well," he decided. "Spike, if you'd care to assist with those handy opposable claws of yours?"

"Alright! It's like an early Hearths Warming!" he paused, thoughtful for a moment. "But, uh, don't give me any more bits. I don't want a repeat of last time."

"Fine, I'm sure Fluttershy will appreciate a donation. Now-" With a flash, Discord donned a black jacket made of dozens of buckles, a crazed black hairstlye, and a pair of gloves with pruning shears on each finger. " Are you ready to open some letters?"

"You bet I am!" Spike enthused, caught up in the hype.

"On the count of four then... 1...2... square root of a potted petunia... 4!"

With a splash of paper, the two leapt at the pile like Celestia at a cake. The celluloid carnage was indescribable, though Twilight remained absorbed in her pages, catching and documenting each new sheet as it escaped the chaos behind her.

When the shreds of envelope, packing label, and glossy insert finally settled, an amusing scene was revealed. Spike lay stomach-down panting on the floor, his claws ink-stained, but with a joyful smile on his face. Twilight sat in a somewhat cleaner area of the room, a loose circle of documents filled with meaningless glyphs surrounding her. Her frantic eyes glanced from one to the next as she muttered about patterns and cyphers. Discord, however, floated above the mess. His expression: contemplative. He held a teacup in his talon, and sipped it's swirling black contents daintily. Between the muttering and the panting, he was the first to actually speak in some time.

"Well this certainly clears things up."

"What are you talking about?" Spike gasped between breaths, "All we found was more weird letters -so many letters- and not a single explanation or exception."

"Oh no, not that," Discord chided. "I was referring to my tea. It's really done wonders clearing my sinuses from all this paper dust." He leaned in conspiratorially, "Old family recipe. Squid ink and malt vinegar."

Spike groaned and flopped back down. "Twilight..." he called "Any luck on that translation?"

"ARGH! No!" she half-yelled, pulling at her mane, "I've tried everything I can think of! I have dictionaries in six different languages here, cross referenced with an archaeology book about deciphering unknown scripts, every edition of Cypher Script's Decyphering Cyphers and Unknown Scripts, and Talon Turing's The Griffon Enigma. There are no patterns, no codes, nothing! This is all complete nonsense!"

"Calm down Twilight, I fear for your blood pressure." Discord consoled, only half in jest, "Here. Have some tea." She took the offered cup quickly and downed it without thinking, muscle memory from Princess Celestia presenting a similar offer many times in the past. She froze immediately, and then with a deep sigh, she slumped down to the floor, a contented and relaxed smile on her face.

"Say..." she said a little woozily, "Tha's pretty good stuff. What'd you say is in this again?"

"Blackcurrant, cranberry, and alfalfa." He replied smoothly. "The initial effect is rather strong, but you should be fresh as a daisy in just a few minutes."

A few minutes passed in relative silence until, true to his word, Twilight sprang back to full awareness, complete with a ring of over-sized white petals which had sprouted from her neck to frame her head. Shaking her head to clear the last traces of fogginess, she noticed her newly acquired foliage. She shot Discord a glare and he snapped his talons, removing the petals with a chuckle. She gathered up the messages in her magic and arranged them in a neat pile on the table before grabbing a scroll she'd been keeping near since the letter opening had begun.

"Now that everything's been opened, I can tally up the registry I've been keeping of the letters' contents."

Spike walked over, having since recovered from his fatigue. "You were keeping track of everything? But I thought you were focused on the translations?"

"I can multitask. Especially in a library," she smiled proudly. "Nothing goes on in here that I'm not aware of. That includes you, Discord."

Discord froze, then quickly dematerialized his squirt gun, putting his forelimbs together in the picture of innocence.

Twilight returned her attention to the scroll at hoof. "Anyway, between the two of you, you opened fifty-two envelopes, two packages, and two scrolls. As well as fifty-six letters of indecipherable writing-" she grumbled something rude sounding under her breath, " there was also a grand total of 645 bits, as well as thirty-seven gold-foil wrapped chocolate bits, three pieces of twine, six photographs of somepony's cat, one cracked poker chip, a hoofful of red clay dirt, and one sealed glass jar filled with something I hesitantly label as once being chocolate milk."

"And even with all that, we're still no closer to a solution than when we started!" Discord cried out in annoyance and frustration.

"If it means anything," Twilight began, "over eighty percent of the bits were delivered in prime number increments."

Meanwhile, Spike had gathered up all the used envelopes and was carrying them to the scrap paper bin. But before he dropped them in his eye caught on a unique pamphlet wedged between the pages of a coupon book. "Huh," he said. "Maybe this has something to do with it?" Setting his rubbish aside, he snagged the pamphlet and brought it back to Twilight and Discord, who was still fuming. "Check this out." He passed Twilight the paper. "This looks like it might be relevant."

Both Twilight and Discord's eyes widened as they read the cover page. The Chaos Connection, it read. Though the letter O's were replaced with a symbol of eight radial arrows, and each word was written in a distinctly different font. Hesitantly, they opened the pamphlet.

Greetings, Salutations, and Farewell.

Is your life boring and ordinary? Has the everyday routine ground you down? Do you ever wish life was just a bit more exciting?
Here at the Church of Chaos, we can help. Our order is dedicated to bringing the joy of the magic of chaos to every pony, griffon, minotaur, yak and sentient cactus. We teach that Chaos is not a force to be feared, but embraced with gladness. Come join us in our main headquarters in Las Pegasus, and let us teach you the magic of life through Chaos.

Just listen to these testimonials...

"Is this for real?" Twilight exclaimed as Discord continued to read on in interest. "There can't possibly be a religion based around... around-"

"Him?" Spike offered.

"Exactly!" Twilight ran her hoof through her mane. "I mean... really? Why would anypony be interested in, let alone want to worship Discord? It makes no sense!"

"Et tu, Twilight?" Discord asked, a look of defeated betrayal across his face. "And here I was thinking we were friends."

She rolled her eyes. "I didn't mean it like that. It's just, well, you're not exactly an ideal role model that you'd expect ponies to turn to."

"Doesn't mean I don't deserve to be liked, followed, and subscribed," he huffed.

Twilight folded the pamphlet back up. "Anyway, if this is real, I think we should be concerned. No good things have ever come out of a cult."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Spike held up his hands defensively, "Don't you think you should give them a chance before labeling them a cult? That seems like a kinda extreme escalation. Maybe it really is just a legitimate group of ponies who honestly just want to praise... Discord..." he trailed off. "Okay, so maybe the idea is a little far-fetched, but do we really have to call them a cult?"

"As it would seem, they're quite content with that particular term," Discord mused, having apparently shrunk himself down to continue reading within the folded pages held in Twilight's magical field. "They've used it five times so far, as well as church, congregation, confederacy, congress, and cabal. But there are a few details here and there that I find... worthy of further investigation." He oozed out of the pages in liquid form, only to unmelt back to his full height from a puddle. "Spike, Twilight, are you two pondering what I'm pondering?"

"I think so," Spike replied, a thoughtful claw to his chin, "but would increased toy sales really be worth the effort of trying to justify it?"

Twilight gave her assistant a look. "I don't quite follow Spike's idea, but I think it's pretty clear I need to investigate this 'Church of Chaos'."

"Don't you mean," Discord wound himself around Twilight's neck like a feather boa, "we need to investigate? It's my cult after all." He went back to floating after Twilight shrugged him off. "Besides, we still haven't gone on our-" he pulled down a large banner from the ceiling, "Ultimate Adventure of Friendship and Bondage yet."

"Our what?!" Twilight yelled.

Discord looked at his banner contemplatively, "Hmmm, maybe you're right. Perhaps I should rephrase that slightly." He snapped his talons and the letters 'ing' sloppily and obviously wrote themselves over-top the 'age' in the banner's final word. "Better?" he asked.

"I- uh... yes?" Twilight stammered, "But that doesn't clear up what in Celestia's name you're talking about."

"Isn't it obvious?" he asked as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Over the past few months I seems to keep finding myself on adventures or in intimate scenarios with our close friends, each of which has ended up closening the bonds of friendship and understanding between us. Everyone, that is, except you, Twilight."

"What? What kind of adventures?"

Discord counted off on extra horns he grew as he listed each event. "Spike and I bonded over our Ogres & Oubliettes game. The other Elements and I bonded during your three day book sorting vacation. Starlight and I had a lovely time together foiling the invasion of the one-eyed, one-horned flying purple pony-eaters in Fillydelphia. The ever-rapscallious Cutie Mark Crusaders made me an honorary member after I assisted in helping them try chaotic new activities in search of their marks. Then there was the time Luna and I swapped bodies for a week, oh how we laugh at that now! Even Trixie, Pinkie's sister Maud, and I teamed up to take down the Cutie Marksist Rebellion in Manehattan." he paused, as if first noticing that he seemed to have more horns than anything else, "Need I continue?"

"I think you've made your point," Twilight muttered.

"It seems as though Fate as decided to tip her sun hat in our direction today and given us the perfect adventure to go on together!" Discord said gleefully. "You get to investigate this cult, look for evil hidden intentions, ensure the continued safety of Equestria and all that nonsense," he waved his hand dramatically, "while I get to see exactly what ponies outside of this little town think of me, how my image has held up over the centuries, and set them straight if I have to."

"Wait, what was that last part?" Spike asked.

Discord waved it off, "Oh, nothing, nothing. Just thinking out loud really, you know what I'm like when I get distracted." He turned back to the purple alicorn, who had been mentally running a pros and cons list regarding a co-investigation with Discord, "So then Twilight, do we have a date?"

She sighed, then nodded, "Despite my better judgement, having you there as back-up could be advantageous if things get dangerous. Alright, we'll go together."

"Wonderful!" Discord cheered, streamers, balloons, and avocados exploding from behind him. "A road trip to Las Pegasus to stop a potentially dangerous cult with the Princess of Friendship and the re-formed Lord of Chaos. What could possibly go wrong?"