A long time ago...
In a galaxy, far, far away...
STAR WARS
Episode LXIX: PINKIE PIE AND RAINBOW DASH'S POINTLESS AND RETARDED ADVENTURE
Twilight Sparkle, the unicorn owner of Golden Oaks Library in Ponyville is on an outing with Spike to assist Princess Celestia, the royal figure of Equestria with her sister Luna. Twilight has left Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash in charge in cleaning up the library. While Pinkie is scavenging through a pile of old books, she finds an odd device to which she and Rainbow Dash discover is capable of universal transportation and...
Okay seriously, why the hell are we doing this? Every single piece of media has parodied this intro and it's just not funny anymore. I'll bet seventy dollars it was that stupid bastard, Jimmy who wrote this scene. I swear to fucking god Jimmy, if George Lucas sends lawsuits up the ass, you're paying for the damages. Ugh, Let's just cut the shit and continue with this stupid ass fic. This piece of shit intro was a waste of time.
Ahem, anyway it was a fine day in Ponyville, the commercial stands selling sweets, pastries and other household goods were bustling with sales, the many citizen ponies making conversation with other ponies and little foals and fillies playing with each other in the large grassy spots. The sun was fairly bright today, setting the mood for the peaceful and lively atmosphere of Ponyville's residence.
The only areas that weren't open for business however were Sugarcube Corner and more importantly, the Golden Oaks Library. Inside, a cyan Pegasus called 'Rainbow Dash' and a pink earth pony by the name of 'Pinkie Pie' were restoring and cleaning up the library to a satisfactory state after being enlisted by the library's owner, a lavender unicorn called Twilight Sparkle who had to take a trip to Canterlot along with her dragon assistant Spike to help the royal figure of Equestria, Princess Celestia with some duties and important tasks. Pinkie Pie was bouncing from shelf to shelf, humming happily as she was always happy to help her dear friends, Rainbow Dash on the other hand was clearly not having any fun judging from the bored expression on her face.
"Ugh, this is so BORING! I could be doing awesome tricks in the sky right now, but instead I'm here cleaning up after Twilight!" Rainbow Dash groaned. Pinkie hopped over and put a hoof to the Pegasus' shoulder.
"Aw, It's not so bad, Dashie!" Pinkie began with a giggle. "It's always fun to help out a friend once in a while! Like remember when Sweetie Belle got her head stuck in a jar and we spent all day trying to get her out?" Rainbow Dash merely just shrugged.
Pinkie jumped to another book pile and replacing them into a nearby shelf one by one until the very spot that the pile was occupying was becoming more and more visible to the naked eye. It wasn't until the pink pony soon picked up one more book and was about to put it back when her blind spot caught a glimpse of something that had been underneath the pile.
Pinkie Pie picked up the strange object and observed it closely, it was rectangular and coloured a dark grey, the face was decorated by many randomly shaped buttons that had odd symbols on them that even Pinkie couldn't decipher. It seemed to resemble a TV remote at best.
"Whatcha got there, Pinkie?" Rainbow Dash asked, clip clopping over to see the thing that Pinkie had in her hooves.
"I dunno! Looks like a telephone without a cord or something!" Pinkie replied, still trying to read the symbols on the buttons. Rainbow Dash raised her eyebrows at the sight of the object as she eyed rows and rows of buttons plastered on the front. She reached out a forehoof and pressed one of the buttons, Pinkie and Dash waited for seconds before coming to realisation that nothing was happening.
"Figures, It's probably broken." Rainbow Dash said, a little disappointed.
"Of course it's broken! How can a phone work without it's cord?" Pinkie Pie retorted while analysing the thing from back to front.
"Pinkie, we don't even know if it is a phone!" Rainbow Dash argued before her eyes locked onto a small circular button on the object that that a marking of a circle with a small line protruding at the top from inside the circle.
"Or maybe it's just not turned on." Pinkie theorised, seeing the same button that Rainbow was looking at and so she pressed it.
A quiet hum could be hear from the object just as Pinkie released the pressure of her hoof on the button and the thing in question appeared to be glowing.
Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash looked at each other with anticipation until the latter pressed one of the other buttons, doing so causing the object's humming to intensify in volume and softly vibrate. The pulsations were getting more tenser and tenser with every second until a bright blue light flashed at the two ponies and a massive aura engulfed both them and the device before dissipating into nothing but thin air, no sign of Pinkie and Dashie or the thing in sight.
The mares found themselves falling endlessly through a blue vortex that rippled and distorted with every second of it's worth, it felt like hours for the two when a white flash at the seemingly end approaching could be seen afar slowly approaching until they reached the binding light and were engulfed into the light once more. We will now leave you with Pinkie and Rainbow Dash's commentary on the event:
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!"
"And thus began the incredible tale of 'Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash's Excellently Pointless and Miraculously Retarded Adventure'." said the kick-ass narrating voice of Morgan Freeman.
How can I help?! I'm a fuckin' Nerd!
Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash felt a hard impact on their bodies, having landed on some sort of ground with their faces planted into the grass. The cyan Pegasus groaned in pain as she slowly arose to her hooves, enforcing even more pain to her body, the same happening to Pinkie once she came to.
"Ugh, My head's spinning!" Rainbow Dash complained, putting a hoof to her forehead. Pinkie Pie agreed, massaging her sore temples when the two looked around after recovering from the nasty fall. What they noticed at first glance was that they were certainly not in Ponyville, let alone Twilight's library any more but it was instead a large grass area bordered by a white fence that trailed to a house.
"Uhh... Did we drink too much Apple Cider again?" Pinkie Pie asked, Rainbow Dash shook her head in response, knowing full well that the current situation they were in was not caused by cider. Rainbow Dash looked around some more before beginning to break into panic.
"W-where are we? Where's the library? Where's Ponyville? WHERE THE HAY IS ANYTHING?!!" Rainbow Dash screamed while scrambling around the area until Pinkie grabbed her with both hooves in order to calm her down. When she did so, Dash found the device she and Pinkie had found back into Ponyville stuck in Pinkie's mane and glared at it.
"It's because of that stupid thing, we're now possibly a million miles away from home!" Rainbow Dash yelled. Pinkie was eager to not let this conundrum bring her down though.
"Don't worry, Dashie! Maybe we can find someone to help us, like whoever lives in there!" Pinkie chimed, pointing at the house in question before running up to the door.
"Pinkie, no!" Rainbow called out but it was too late, Pinkie was already wrestling with the door knob to no avail of getting the barrier open. After several more pulls, Pinkie Pie released her grip and looked back at the Pegasus with a disheartened look.
"How are we gonna get in now?" Rainbow Dash wasn't ready for that question, her eyes scanned the whole house to find no entry way possible, that is until she found a small rectangular window at the bottom of the wall. She walked over to examine it more and found it to possibly lead to the basement, Rainbow was hesitating on her next move when Pinkie started to push the window open for her. Rainbow Dash shrugged and helped Pinkie to get it open until the glass barrier gave way and swung open, causing them to stumble inside where they heard a voice that sounded masculine nearby that appeared to be complaining about something. The two mares stood back upright to the most unexpected sight of their lives, there was a couch with a two legged creature that looked like a hairless monkey with the exception of it's head. It was clad in a white shirt with the front pocket having two pens stuffed inside, grey pants and brown shoes covering it's feet. The most significant feature of it was it's glasses and it appeared to be holding some kind of small grey remote that was connected to whatever the thing was looking at, the two held their breath to avoid attracting any unwanted attention as they watched what the thing was doing while it started to talk again.
"Another basic problem is that to jump, you press 'Up'. In any typical 'Mortal Kombat' game or any tournament fighter, that's normal. But in a jumping, platforming game; Up is fucked up. Sometimes you intend to step back but your thumb slides across 'Up' and you jump by accident!" The creature explained while demonstrating on the TV opposite of him that showed a digitalised man in a blue suit jump backwards off a platform and down into the abyss. The creature continued to talk.
"The entire level too is all about hopping these platforms." Using whatever it was that was in it's hand, the creature made the blue thing in the screen jump at another person and punch it repeatedly, the creature was obviously struggling with doing such a thing however as when the blue character had punched the opponent off screen, the platform collapsed, making the blue guy fall again.
"Augh, fuck!" The creature complained in a annoyed tone when Pinkie Pie mustered up the courage to talk to the being with a smile plastered on her face.
"Hi mister! Are you having a rough day?" Pinkie asked, the creature turned it's head to the two and hung his mouth agape when his brain instantly registered what he was looking at.
"What- What the hell are you doing in my house?!" The being asked in shock as it jumped from the couch and took a few steps back. The pink pony giggled.
"Hee hee, You're funny for a bald monkey!" Pinkie Pie laughed.
"Oh great, the fucking game is now apparently making me hallucinate about talking pastel horses!" The thing exclaimed with a mortified expression.
"We're not horses, we're ponies, silly!" Pinkie said through giggles before she introduced herself and her friend.
"Anyways, hi! My name is Pinkie Pie and this is my friend, Rainbow Dash! Who are you, talking monkey?" Pinkie said in her trademark fast pace. The being scowled before giving it's answer.
"I'm not a talking monkey, I'm a human!" The being said, getting annoyed by this 'Pinkie's Pie' eagerness. The two ponies looked at each other before looking back at the 'Human'.
"Okay, so what's your name Mister Human?" Pinkie asked, the human readjusted it's glasses and answered.
"I'm the Nerd." 'The Nerd' said, Rainbow Dash stifled her laughs in response.
"The Nerd?! Hahaha, I used to call Twilight an egghead, but Nerd works too!" Rainbow Dash laughed, the Nerd scowled at the Pegasus who noticed and ended her giggle fit with a nervous chuckle.
"So uhh... Nerd, Pinkie said you were having a hard day." Rainbow Dash said.
"You bet I am, this game reeks of ASS!" The Nerd responded pointing at the TV screen.
"Then why are you playing it?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Because I'm the Nerd! It's my job to warn people about shitty games!" The Nerd retorted.
"Ooh, sounds like a fun job!" Pinkie exclaimed obliviously.
"Trust me, it's not." The Nerd said, deadpan.
"So how do you play this 'game', anyway?" Rainbow Dash inquired.
"With this." The Nerd simply said, picking up the device he was holding earlier and handed it to Rainbow Dash who held it with her front hooves and cocked an eyebrow.
"What kind of calculator is this?" The Pegasus asked, The Nerd face palmed and glanced at Dash.
"It's a Nintendo 64 Controller."
Pinkie Pie tilted her head in curiosity.
"Nin-Ten-Dough Sixty-Fore?" Pinkie attempted to rephrase. "What's that?"
The Nerd sighed and signalled the two to sit beside him on the couch where he explained to them about Video Games and their purpose in this world, to his relief, they got the idea when he finished the talk.
"I always wondered what that colt, Button Mash plays with at home." Rainbow Dash said as she beamed at the controller and took control of the video game which The Nerd told them was Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero.
Rainbow Dash struggled at first due to the controller's complex design and her lack of fingers, but was getting better at controlling the character on the screen. Dashie approached an opponent and used the punch button making the enemy fall off the platform.
"Haha, I just punched somepony into the abyss! How can you not like this game?" Rainbow asked in disbelief of The Nerd's opinion.
"You'll soon find out." The Nerd answered, Pinkie Pie was watching intently as Rainbow Dash proceeded with the video game. Several minutes passed when the game's environment was now a dark cave. Rainbow made the character jump over a crevice only for it to slip and fall in and get impaled on a spike, making Pinkie flinch on the sight of blood.
"What the hay?!" Dashie said with a bit of a frustrated tone.
It only got worse from there, Sub-Zero was being mangled to death countless times, no matter how hard Dashie tried. With every fall, crush and unfair 'Jump-Kick', Dash's frustration was getting the better of her until she began to spurt out curse words from left to right, leaving Pinkie Pie astonished and the Nerd shaking his head.
"Shit!"
"Damn it!"
"Come on you-- Crud!"
"Grr, you stupid-- AARGGH!!"
"Piece of crap!"
"BUCK-- I mean FUCK!!"
After dropping the F bomb, Dashie screamed in rage and threw the controller down.
"No wonder you said this game was bad! This game can suck my Rainbow Balls! That god damn piece of shit! That fucking god damn... God damn..." Rainbow stuttered, trying to find a good word to use when the Nerd stepped in.
"THAT GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT!!" Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie went wide eyed at the outburst as they watched the Nerd pull the game's cartridge out of the system.
"No wonder I haven't played this one before! This is ANAL SAUCE!!" The Nerd finished before tossing the cartridge and erupting an ice flame from his hands, freezing the cartridge in place. The Nerd approached the frozen cartridge, grabbed the top half and pulled it off, revealing a skeletal spine hanging from the inside as if it were a living being. The Nerd threw the now dead cartridge away and slumped back down to the couch to comfort a rather angry Rainbow Dash with a green bottle with a label that said 'Rolling Rock' in his hand.
"Don't worry Rainbow Dash, It's only a game. Here, have a beer." The Nerd reassured, handing the bottle to the Pegasus who looked at it in confusion.
"Ooh, what is that?" Pinkie asked, tapping at the bottle for emphasis.
"It's Rolling Rock." The Nerd answered as he got his own bottle and proceeded to chug it down, Rainbow Dash shrugged and had a snip, sputtering a little from the taste. She gave it to Pinkie, insisting that she should drink it instead as of which the pink pony did so, gulping it down in one go.
"So what are you two even doing here?" The Nerd asked.
"Oh yeah! Me and Dashie were cleaning up Twilight's library back in Ponyville when I found this thing in a book pile. We pressed some of the buttons and the next thing we know, we end up here in your home!" Pinkie said in a few heartbeats while pulling out the device that had still been tangled in her mane since their arrival. The Nerd looked at the device with confusion.
"So you're saying that this thing took you here from somewhere else?" The Nerd asked.
"Yeppers! And we came to see you, if you could help us get back!" Pinkie added, The Nerd shrugged.
"Well I don't know, I'm for one certain that there isn't a 'Ponyville' around here or in any other state. And since talking ponies don't exist here either, I can only assume that this device is a universe transporter." The Nerd theorised.
"Ooooh!" Pinkie gleamed, looking at the device in her hoof.
"So can you help us or not?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"How can I help?! I'm a fuckin' Nerd! Not a dimensional traveller!" The Nerd protested, Rainbow Dash couldn't argue with that. Her and Pinkie's faces both deflated in sadness when The Nerd piped up.
"Though, you could press any of those buttons and go to a different universe which may even be yours!" The Nerd said, the two mares looked at each other with both excitement and hope gleaming in their eyes.
"Ready for a crazy adventure, Dashie?" Pinkie asked.
"You bet I am!" The Pegasus said in pride, the two waved at The Nerd before using the device.
"Bye Nerd! Keep playing those shitty games!" Pinkie said, making Rainbow Dash giggle at the scene of Pinkie using cuss words as the object engulfed them with the light and they both disappeared.
The Nerd stared at where his two visitors were just standing with a bewildered expression before leaning back, using his hand as a pillow.
"...I need a beer." The Nerd said, grabbing the bottle of Rolling Rock.
The bright flash of light dissipated from Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash's vision allowing them to take a look around at their next location. What they saw raised a question from Pinkie.
"Dashie... Did we go to Manehattan?" Rainbow Dash could only respond with a shaking head at an unsure pace. They were in a large rural city of some sorts. Commercial buildings left and right, in between was a large long line of tarmac where strange looking metal objects rolled over instead of carriages. Most of the buildings in the horizon where taller than the two mares could imagine, Rainbow Dash was opting to scale the tall architecture but both her and the pink pony's thoughts were interrupted by a sound that was reminiscent of an explosion.
Wait... that was an explosion!
Suddenly, on the far side of the road, a person glided across the road in what looked like roller-skates. Like the Nerd, he was a human but with many differences. He wore a long grey trench coat with a matching hat, blue trousers underneath and brown shoes. His hair was black and his nose was oval and plump. That was not all that the two ponies saw that was unusual as the person was being chased by a metallic creature that flew through the air with rockets on it's back. It spoke out to the human in a raspy, robotic voice.
"SURRENDER. GADGET. DR. CLAW. DEMANDS. YOU. TO. COME. QUIETLY!"
"You'll never catch me, you bucket of bolts!" The person yelled back as he made a fighting stance.
"Go-Go Gadget..." The human began when his blind spot saw a bit of pink, making him turn to see Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash.
"...HORSES?!" Being distracted from the surprising sight had given the metal beast enough time to swoop down and prepare an attack on the human. Out of instinct however, Rainbow Dash rushed into the scene and kicked the creature with a forehoof making it stumble to the ground.
Meanwhile, somewhere far away. An entity was observing the entire scene with anger. It yelled furiously in a growling demonic tone.
"Gah! What are those stupid things doing?! Get them out of the way and capture Gadget you worthless pile of junk!"
Back at the city, Rainbow Dash glared at the metal being who glared back. Pinkie Pie and the human watched in astonishment at the intense stare down. The deafening soon being replaced by a voice.
"Uncle Gadget!" The human turned to see another human coming his way. It appeared to be a little girl with yellow ponytails and a dog could be seen running aside her.
"Penny! Just in time!" Gadget said before looking back at the scene.
"OUT. OF. MY. WAY. ALIEN. HORSE. INSPECTOR. GADGET. IS. CLAW'S. PROPERTY!" The robot threatened, but Rainbow Dash was not even the least intimidated.
"You ain't capturing anybody, buster!" Rainbow scowled as she burst into the air, reading to kick some robot ass.
The others watched intently at the whole action, Rainbow Dash was practically outnumbering the metal thing effortlessly thanks to her speed and dented the robot's shell deeper and deeper with every punch and kick, but what she hadn't realised was that the robot had one trick up it's sleeve. Rainbow Dash charged at the metal being once more, preparing for a final blow but was suddenly blinded when the robot sprayed an odd liquid out of it's body, covering Rainbow Dash's eyes. The Pegasus darted around in panic, searching for a way to get the gunk off her face.
"Dashie!" Pinkie cried out in horror, that was when the trench coat man stepped forward in front of Pinkie and shot the robot a cold stare.
"That's no way treat an innocent animal! Go-Go Gadget Helicopter!" Just as he said those 'magic words', a propeller popped out of his hat along with two handle bars. He grabbed hold of them and looked back at Pinkie.
"Hop on, little horse!" The pink pony figured that there would be no time to argue so she obeyed and jumped onto the man's back.
"Penny, find someplace safe to hide and see if you can hack into the robot's main system!" The man said to the little girl.
"Gotcha, Uncle Gadget!" Penny obeyed as she and the dog ran into a nearby alley and dived behind a dumpster, she took out a small blue device and started to type on it's keypad.
With the use of his helicopter, the man was soon enough in the sky, almost at level with the robot who turned to see him and the pink pony and set into pursuit. The man dodged the robot's charge attack and flew over to the still struggling Rainbow Dash. He dug into his pocket and rubbed it onto Dashie's face which of course managed to clean off the gunk out of her eyes. Rainbow looked around to check her vision was still working and looked at the man with a smile.
"Thanks, man!"
"Mr. Gadget, look out!" Pinkie called out, pointing to the robot who was now charging straight at the three. Rainbow Dash dived straight at it, prepared to dodge the next spray of the strange liquid and hind hoofed it in the torso. That was when it's visor eyes began to flash rapidly in colours as if it were malfunctioning.
"Uncle Gadget, I've managed to hack the robot's life system. It should be no problem now!" They heard Penny from below.
The three smiled and gave a determined stare at the still glitching robot, it was no doubt open and helpless against any more attacks. Rainbow Dash puffed out her chest and charged for the final blow.
A rapturous explosion filled the area as the severely destroyed metal being was flung into the sky, courtesy of Rainbow Dash's hind kick. It screamed in a defeated tone.
"LOOKS. LIKE. TEAM. CLAW'S. BLASTING. OFF. AGAAAAAAAAAAAIN!" The voice trailed off as the metal being was propelled into the horizon until it soon disappeared into the atmosphere.
Rainbow Dash flew back down to the ground with the man following behind, Pinkie hopped off as she and Rainbow Dash looked at the man with a warm smile who returned the expression with Penny and the dog.
"Thanks for the help, little ones! How can we ever repay you?" The man said, the ponies' smiles grew larger.
"All that's needed is for you to never forget me, the awesome Rainbow Dash!" The Pegasus chimed, hovering in the air. Everyone shared a hearty laugh as Pinkie spoke.
"I wish we could stay with you guys, but we gotta go home!" The pony said, the gave an understanding nod.
"Well, if you ever need help! Feel free to call me, Inspector Gadget!" The man retorted, giving the ponies a small white card with his name and phone number.
"See ya, Gadget!" Rainbow Dash said with a chuckle. Gadget waved, putting a hand on Penny's shoulder.
With their good work done here, the two ponies retrieved the device and disappeared into another dimension.
A low growled threat emanated from the being that watched the whole scene with pure boiling hatred.
"I'll get you next time, Gadget!"
"NEXT TIME!!"
