Lazy Crazy Dayz

by BatwingCandlewaxxe

Rating: teen
Tags: Anthology, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Original Character, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Princess Celestia
Length: 1887

A random collections of various unrelated spoofs, vignettes, character studies, gags, fragments, and other bits that do not fit anywhere else.

A random collection of various unrelated spoofs, vignettes, character studies, gags, fragments, and other bits that do not fit anywhere else. Updated infrequently and inconsistently.

Published 2016-09-15 19:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-24 05:21:46 UTC

If You Give Pinkie Pie a Cookie

If you give Pinkie Pie a cookie...
"Ooo, you know what would go good with a cookie? MILK! Wait there, I'll get some. Oh fiddlesticks, we're out. I guess I'll have to go down to see Daisy Jill for more. She likes cookies too; and the only thing more fun than eating cookies is sharing them! But I only have this one. I know, I'll bake more! Oh, but I might run into Twilight on the way, since she usually goes shopping today, and she likes cookies. And Applejack should have her booth up today too. I definitely can't stop by with cookies and not give Applejack any. Gonna need to bake a whole bunch! Oh no, I don't think I have enough chocolate chips, and I'm definitely running low on butter. Daisy Jill should have butter, but I don't know if BonBon will have more chocolate in this early in the week. Oh, and Lyra might be with her in the shop, but she doesn't like chocolate. I know, oatmeal cookies, she definitely likes oatmeal cookies! So I need chocolate chips and oatmeal! Golden Harvest should have plenty of oatmeal left from the latest harvest. Oh, but she likes macaroons, so I'll need to go see if Leafy Palm has coconut in today. I bet his daughter Hibiscus Bloom will be helping him in the shop, and she really likes... um... wait... I know this... Pineapple! She likes pineapple sugar cookies! And we just got a bunch in for an order of pineapple upside-down-cake, I'll have to ask Ms. Cake if she has any left over. Oh, and she likes oatmeal cookies too, but she likes hers with raisins, so I'll have to do two batches. And nuts, I'll need nuts, so I'll have to see Silver Seed to get more of those. Oh, and I'll definitely need to clear up some counter space so I'll have room to make all the different batches; just look at all the stuff that's cluttering them up... hey, there's a cookie here! For me? Thank you so much! Hey, you know what would go good with a cookie? MILK!..."

A Bad Case of Writer's Block

"Once upon a time in the magical land of Equestria..."

Ugh, no, absolutely not. Gah! I finally have enough free time to sit down and write a bit, and now all I can come up with is trite nonsense. Stupid writer's block. Haven't written anything new in ages, and now nothing is coming. Coming? Maybe a clop fic? No, the last three I wrote were clop fics, I need something new; and preferably less brainless. C'mon, think Twilight, think.

"Looking up from her counter, BonBon noticed a new face in the shop, a mint-green unicorn with a golden lyre cutie mark..." Bleah. I have no idea where to go with that. Think, think, think, think, think... nope, still nothing. Let's try something else...

"When Vinyl first met Octavia..." Eh, everyone writes that story, it's just getting old. Well, I could always try and find inspiration in older literature, maybe something there will spark an idea. Hrm, maybe a crossover? Let's see...

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single stallion in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a mare." Hrmph. If I'm going to rip off another author, I should at least rip off something that isn't already ripping off something else.

"It was the year they finally immanentized the..." Sweet Celestia no. I need much better drugs before attempting that one.

"We were somewhere around Ponyville, on the edge of the Everfree, when the Poison Joke began to take hold." I don't even want to think about the drugs I'd need for that one.

"Stately, plump Prince Blueblood came from the stairhead..." Sigh. Yeah, I could probably pull that off; but there's no chance in Tartarus anyone else would ever read it. Argh! Why can't I think of anything? There's got to be something...

"Call me Twilight Sparkle..." Meh, way too self-insert. Ugh. Guh. Maybe if I start hitting myself on the head with something hard.

"There was me, that is Twilight, and my five droogs, that is AJ, Rainbow, Pinkie, Rares, and Shy; and we sat in the Canterlot milk bar trying to make up our rassodocks what to do with the evening..." Now that's just the frustration talking. Still, maybe thinking of something a little more.. intense, is the key to breaking this block.

"Sweetie Belle, light of my life, fire of my loins." Oh for... now I'm just creeping myself out.

"It was a queer, sultry summer, the summer they executed the Changelings, and I didn't know what I was doing in Manehattan..." Sigh. This is getting seriously depressing. I can't believe I've wasted all this time with nothing to show for it.

"It was a dark and stormy..." Idiot.

Bored
Beyond
Belief

"Spike! I'm going out for a while, no idea when I'll be back...".

The Young Filly and the Ancient Alicorn

My young unicorn student went rigid as the ancient Alicorn turned to face us; tall and imposing, lanky, with all the grace and barely-restrained power of the great cats of the Zebraharan jungles. His black coat appeared to absorb and imprison all light falling upon it, radiating the sun's rays back out through intense, glowing red streaks in his mane and fetlocks, their sanguine hues shifting from burning crimson down to infra-red. The aura of ancient secrets hung about him, scented with the faint odour of turpentine. His eyes, when they caught mine, seemed to pierce my very soul -- one a deep, venomous green that roiled and seethed, the other a sickly amber hue that spoke of things long-dead and almost-forgotten. His wickedly curved and forked jet-black horn practically crackled with power, and sparkled with threads of bright metal twisted through the bone, matching the steely sheen of his hooves. Familiarity with his singular appearance reduced my reaction to bland indifference, but my young companion stood locked in place, unable to move, staring in a mixture of fascination and fear, shivering slightly in the warm summer afternoon.

The elder greeted me with a habitual nod and smile. "So, lord Candlewaxxe", he said, his stentorian voice like thunder in the mountain stillness, "you've made another long trek to see me, and brought a friend with you this time. A new student, I presume? I believe you'll be in want of refreshments. There're biscuits on the table, and if you'd care to put the kettle on I'll make us a nice cup of tea. I've always liked meeting your students."

I moved to fill the large iron pot and hang it over the small fire pit, as I had done so many times before. "Batty, please," I reminded him yet again, "you know my title is little more than a historical formality these days. And this is my student Pastel Shade."

"Ah yes, the one you wrote to me about," responded the elder alicorn. "A pleasure to meet you, young artist."

The filly beside me barely overcame her shock to gasp out, "Your... mane... your coat..."

"Yes, he responded, a note of sadness colouring his voice, "rather dull aren't they. I've always found my colouring so... insipid. Perhaps that's why I have always been so fascinated by the tremendous range of colours in nature. From the subtle to the outlandish, they're all just so inspiring, don't you think?"

My companion finally finds a bit of courage. "Your eyes, they're different colours. How come? Is it because you're so old?"

"Ah, noticed that, did you?" he responds with a slightly sheepish grin. "Result of a magical accident in my youth; was trying to transform my utterly boring coat and mane into something a bit more colourful and entertaining. Needless to say, things, well, things went wrong, and I ended up altering my eyes instead. Can't really remember their original colour anymore. I seem to recall it was a pleasant shade of celadon, but it's been so long since I've seen them..."

Further emboldened, she continued, "Your horn, why is it like that. And your hooves, are they made of metal?"

He sighed as his countenance fell, embarrassment and shame etched into every line. Turning away slightly, he levitated a small can out from his saddlepack over to the folding table, opened it, and spooned two scoops of dark, dried leaves into a stoneware pot. Filling the pot with hot water, he sat down and sighed again. After a minute of tense silence, he poured three cups, and took a dainty sip. "Well, I... that is... let's just say 'The less said about that the better', and not recount the myriad follies of youth. Wouldn't want to go giving cute young unicorn fillies such dangerous ideas now, would we?" He smiled warmly and indulgently at my young companion, who chose not to press the issue.

"Do they hurt?" the young unicorn asked, with the earnest concern of youth filling her musical voice.

'Oh no, not at all," he replied, his smile fading a little. "They're just a reminder of mistakes I've made, and which I'd rather like to forget. I'd say you'll understand when you grow older, but I sincerely hope you won't have such an opportunity." Brightening up after a moment, he continued, "But that's not what you came here for, is it. You came to hear about the old days. How I gave magic to the world."

The filly just nodded, as did I, though I'd heard many of the stories before, from him and others.

"Very well," he responded. "I was one of many Alicorns back then, though now there are so very few of us remaining, and unlike most of the others, I preferred to spend my life in solitude. Many of us contributed magic to the world, some in little ways, some in bigger ways, all depending on our particular talents. My contribution was the magic of Art. As I said, I've always been fascinated by the colours of nature; so I shared my appreciation of them with ponykind. I provided inspiration and artistic vision, the eyes to see the world in new ways, to feel things differently and more intensely than others, and the talent to communicate those feelings to everypony else. I don't do much these days, not really needed anymore, you know; but I like to keep my hoof in, in small ways." He gestured to a nearby easel, on which sat a large canvas containing a half-finished landscape. A palette and several brushes rested on another small folding table nearby. "My friend here, your teacher," briefly looking my way, "tells me you've quite the talent for art yourself, and that you're a fan of Palette Knife the Younger's work." He chuckles softly to himself. "She was certainly a strange one, had the most bizarre collection of pets I've ever seen. Why, I remember the first time I met her. It was at a local cafe where she was putting on a small informal exhibition. She was accompanied, as was her custom, by one of her unusual pets; this time a wombat of all things. When I walked in, that creature took an instant dislike to me..."