NEVER ASK ~ ~ ~

by De Writer

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Horror, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe
Length: 1623

What are the two questions that you should NEVER ask? What happened to Alfred when he did?

It was Nightmare Night! Alfred wished the wrong thing to the wrong pony and asked both of the questions that you should NEVER ask!
What happens? Need you ask?

Published 2016-09-15 00:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-15 00:00:01 UTC

NEVER Ask ~ ~ ~

Author's Note

This is the second of my 2016 Nightmare Night Collection.
Once again, Roe, the magically disguised deer who runs the Sweet Spot is in the wishing business.
After Nightmare Night is over, I may gather the tales into a collection like TALES FOR NIGHTMARE NIGHT! A collection to read AFTER the lights are out!

NEVER Ask ~ ~ ~

“Along with “What could possibly go wrong?” there is another question that you should NEVER ask!

“What is it, you ask?

“What? Are you suicidal? OK, it is YOUR life! NEVER ask, “What is the worst that can happen?”

“Happy now? Having asked the first, I stupidly asked the second! And what happened, you ask?

“All right! All right! I’ll tell you!”

~ ~ ~

It was Nightmare Night. That should have given me a clue of sorts that things might not go like they usually do. It didn’t!

I had a pretty good sized foal bowl and a slight mean streak that shows up at times like that. There was a knock. I opened the door and a gaggle of costumed foals chanted, “Nightmare Night! What a Fright! Give us something sweet to bite!”

I held out the bowl. As eager fillies and colts reached for the candies, I pulled it back, out of reach! Snickering at the reaction of the youngsters, I held it back down where they could reach it.

This time, I let the assorted monsters, ghouls, vampires, little Celestias and Lunas, and phony deer get the candies.

I recognized their escort. He was the little gray unicorn named Roe that runs the Sweet Spot. He looked at me in a disapproving way and stated, “That was ill done.”

I retorted, “Why aren’t you at the Sweet Spot, handing out candies, Roe?”

Imperturbably he replied, “I have a trusted friend doing that chore so that I can take these foals around. Otherwise, they would not be able to get about for some Nightmare Night fun and treats.”

I had to smart mouth, “Is your friend a good looking mare? I wish that she was herding these foals instead of you. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?”

Our conversation was interrupted by a perfectly lovely gray mare in a cute, “Sexy Vampony” costume. She whispered something into Roe’s ear.

He grimaced sourly. “You got your wish, Alf, old pony. A problem has come up at the Sweet Spot. My friend, Draculene, will take over the foal herding.”

As Roe retreated, Draculene batted her perfect eyelashes at me and spoke in the finest “bedroom” voice that I have ever heard, “Aren’t you going to invite us in, Alfred?”

Thinking with my glands, rather than my head, I retorted, “Why not? Come on in, what is the worst that could happen?”

Draculene answered promptly, “We are.”

As she and the foals passed my threshold, she smiled widely, showing needle like fangs. The foals were no longer in cute Nightmare Night costumes. They appeared to leak decay. There were bones showing in places.

Draculene did not cast any reflection in my hall mirror. Her cute costume did, though!

She stared into my eyes. Nothing seemed any more important than the world of those amazing brown eyes. Not even the pain that came from the zombie foals gnawing on my legs registered. I felt a sharp stabbing in my throat but it was no more real than the gnawing on my legs.

I woke up in a horspital surgery recovery stall.

Roe was there at my stallside. He looked really annoyed, too. Before I could say anything, he grumped, “You just HAD to ask, didn’t you, Alfred?”

Still slow on the uptake, I tried to turn in the stall. I couldn’t feel any restraints, but I couldn’t roll, either. I could wriggle some, and managed that way.

Facing Roe, I asked, “What do you mean? Ask what?”

Sour as a stinkweed, Roe replied, “Not only did you make a wish while I was bound by a promise, you asked what could go wrong. What went wrong was a problem at my shop where some jerks needed to be dealt with. Nightmare Night prank.

“Draculene let me know about it so I could go take care of it. She took over foal herding for me.

“You not only invited a genuine Vampony into your home, were she could not go without an invitation, you just had to ask her what was the worst that could happen!

“At least, she kept her promise not to kill anypony this Nightmare Night.

“The foals were orphans of a sort. None of them has been visited by their family since they died. Little zombies. Hungry ones. They were restrained by me first. Then by Draculene’s limits. With your invitation, they were free to come in with her and take more than mere foal bowl treats.

“Any guesses what they had? Draculene had a nice, refreshing drink. They gnawed off all four of your legs and a good chunk of flank meat.

“All that stopped them was being limited by Draculene’s promise not to kill this Nightmare Night.”

He chuckled grimly, “Would have been kinder for them to have killed you.”

I looked a forlorn question at him.

He filled in, “Draculene left you alive. That means that you will become a vampony when you die.”

Feeling a trace of hope, I asked, “So, I will be able to rise from my grave and prey on the living? Fly around like a bat and all of that?”

“No. None of that.” Roe grinned.

He folded his forelegs and flapped his hooves. “You need forelegs to make wings. You would be a wingless bat. You cannot rise from the grave and go around to prey on the living because of no legs. You will spend what passes for eternity, in your coffin, awake at night and hungry. Really super hungry after a while.”

Crestfallen, I asked, “Is there any way to fix this mess? I don’t want an afterlife like that. I wish that I knew why this all happened.”

Roe gave me an amused stare. He nodded to himself and asked, “Really, Alfred? You wish to know why it all happened to you?

“Alright, I’ll tell you. You were in the Sweet Spot two weeks ago. You shoplifted a caramel nut bar, two chocolates and a packet of fudge. When I called you on it, you sassed me and did not even offer to repay me.

“What does the sign on the wall behind my counter say?”

I had to think about that. My missing legs were starting to hurt. “It says, ‘I don’t call the police, I get even!’ Really, that is what this is about?”

Roe wrinkled his snout and shot back, “Not really. I gave you a fair chance to redeem yourself with those poor foals. To give in the spirit of goodness and kindness. You just had to try ruining their first outing in over a hundred years with your highjinks.

“Then you gave me an opening with your wish and asking what could go wrong.” His lip curled, showing unponylike teeth. “I showed you! You then made it even worse by asking Draculene what was the worst that could happen. You got that, too.”

I shook my head. “I wish that I could do something to avoid that kind of eternity.”

Roe sucked in his cheeks. He sort of faded. In his place was a brown furred, split hoofed creature. Light of build, he had big funnel like ears, a black nose with some white around it and horns. There were two of them, sort of long and branched. A deer, of all things. He nodded. “Got to admit that this did go further than I expected it to. You have made a wish of me.

“There are some limitations. I can’t undo the past and I can put restrictions on it. Are you willing to take that deal?”

I was looking at Roe, totally bug-eyed. “I guess so. Not going to get any other help, I would guess.”

He nodded briskly. “OK, here is what I can and can’t do for you. I can’t give back your legs. That is past and I can’t change the past. IF you try your level best to not be a jerk in the future, I can help you to avoid an eternity as Equestria’s hungriest vampony.”

I agreed, “Not being a jerk is going to be the hardest part but I have an idea for that.”

Roe’s big brown deer’s eyes expressed interest. “Do tell, Alfred. How?”

I half smiled, “If I can get help to get a mobility cart to the square or parks I been told that I have a way with story telling. I can let my jerk side out in the stories and earn some coin at the same time.”

The Roe deer’s antlers cast shadows about the room as he nodded. “An excellent notion. I will see to it that it works out for you.

“Now, about that eternity. I will take you to the Hall of Records in the town hall. There, Mol will register your desire for immediate cremation after your death from any cause. If your ashes are properly scattered, you will never rise, or rather be stuck in a coffin, as a vampony.”

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

Sitting in his mobility cart, in a nice shady part of the park, Alfred finished up, “NOW do you get it? NEVER ask either of those two questions! You might get answers, just like I did!”

His cheerfully giggling spectators put coins into the cash box attached to the front of his mobility cart.

~THE END~