True Feelings

I was walking to Lyra's place and I noticed that it was starting to rain. I rushed over there and by the time I was there, I was completely soaked. I knocked on the door and after a few seconds, the door opened showing it was Lyra. She smiled as I greeted her. Despite the facts I'm a secret agent, nothing about our friendship has changed although I have noticed a slight difference between how she acted. She seemed to be more concerned and distant in a way but maybe it was my imagination. She handed me a towel and I looked out the window.  I felt cold, wet, and noisy, but it didn't matter. The cold feeling made me shiver and its constant downpour dampened even my own thoughts.

I had come over here to hang out with her. It seems that she's still not use to me being a secret agent. I thought she would get used to it but, she hasn't. I tried to insure her that everything we've done was real and not fake but despite how much I smiled or how much I told her, I always felt like she was hiding something.  She was always happy and never sense any hesitation in her but now, I felt as she was in pain... and lied to. We were friends. Close friends. But, I felt as there was something more to it. I wanted to see her as more than a friend. A girl friend, maybe even a lover?

I've had these thoughts for some time but never had the courage to admit how I felt. I had chances, opportunities that had brushed through my hoofs. But, I didn't want to put her at risk of having to suddenly leave if something happened and break her heart. I wouldn't be able to bare the cause of her sadness. I promised herself to throw away any love, hopes, and personal attachments when I started being a secret agent. I promised myself that but... there was something about Lyra that made it impossible to numb myself.

When I had first meet her, I had forced myself to seem happy and be friends to protect her but... I started to feel something I hadn't felt in years. I had started to like her in a different way. I wanted to become closer but every action was a stab to my own heart as I realized that if I did confess and something happened, she would be alone. The best I could do was keep her happy but not get too close. I could only feel pain of knowing that I was getting further and further away from her as a real pony.

I thought that by enduring the pain, the pain would eventually dull and my emotions would be forgotten. I thought it would eventually become another memory forgotten in the depths of my mind. But, it festered and engorged itself on every moment with her. Her kind smiles, light compliments, and even the way she talked. I let my mask of false happiness fall during those moments, allowing my true smile to show for a while. But, when she found out my secret, I felt like I betrayed her. Any thought of pursuing her was shot down by the image of her shocked face when she thought I was lying to her. She was happy.

The more we hung out, the happier she seem to be. She seem to glow with sheer happiness as we were together.  Every day, she would always talk about something weird but it didn't bother me. I would bare it, and maybe someday, I would con-

"Bonbon?" She asked.

I turned around and looked at her.

"Hmm?" I asked back.

She could see the worry look on my face.

"What's wrong?" She asked, concerned.

I tried to ward her off, telling her nothing was wrong but that would be a lie. She wouldn't be satisfied with that type of answer. I deflected the question, hoping to change the topic.

"So, I see you got a new rug." I said, avoiding her question.

She didn't take the bait and began walking closer to me.  I wanted to say something, anything to not make her worry.

"Don't come closer. You might catch a cold." I said.

She paused, but then continued to advance, saying,

"I'm not worried about that. You'll catch a cold."

I had to stop myself. I could feel my emotions going out of control. I yelled,

"I said, Don't come! You have to leave me alone!"

She felt her heart clench at my own words. My heart wanted her. I weakly continued,

"Don't bother with me anymore..."

I wanted her but I was startled. She extended her hoof out to me. I moved away from her and tried to walk past her, but she grabbed me. I viciously wrenched my hoof out of her grasp and pushed her away, hoping to run away, but she wrapped herself around me. I struggled against  the embrace at first, but then I stopped and relaxed into it. I was tired, cold, wet, depressed and lonely. I wanted this. I wanted to be held but subconsciously, I knew I had to let go before it was too late. She clung onto me as I felt the slight warmth that she managed to give off despite how cold I felt.

Why was she so nice to me?  I lied to her and kept a secret from her for years but here she is, holding me... Doesn't she know how much it hurt for me to be close and realized it would be impossible to form a real relationship? I started to feel tears coming from my eyes as she continued to hold me. I couldn't stop the tears.

"You don't have to worry. I still see you as a friend even if you are a secret agent." She said, holding me tighter.

I wanted her to know. I knew that I would regret it, but I needed to tell her.

"Stop being kind to me. You must realize...so if you stay with me, it will only hurt when I have to leave. I said, still crying.

I was afraid to get close. I was afraid to ask her out. If I had asked her out and something happened, I would never be able to forgive myself. Even if I didn't have to worry about the secret agent stuff,  I've never felt like this before and didn't want to risk messing up what we have. I felt like it was best that I gave up. I thought that it would be the best for her and yet... now, I feel nothing but regret.

"I'm such an idiot. It's something I chose, and yet..."

I was unable to continue. The heartbreak was killing me. I knew that having personal attachments would come back to haunt me. I knew this was going to happen if I became close but I did it anyways. Things would never go back to times before I was a agent. The times where I didn't worry about things like ab-

"Bonbon, I know it's tough. I would be in denial if I didn't say I was surprised by it as well but, you're still Bonbon in my eyes. My feelings for you haven't changed and will never change even if something happens." She said, almost crying.

Of course she would try to say something to comfort me. I needed to stop her before she said anymore.

"The day I meet you, you were somepony special. To tell you the truth, I was afraid of admitting something for a long time. The truth is, I like you. I was afraid of rejection and I didn't know if you liked me the same way but ever since I found out your secret, I knew I had to tell you how I really felt. Even if you were who you say your somepony else, I still saw you as the mare I hang out with everyday." She said, smiling.

Her words silenced me. I tried to pull herself from her grasp, but she still held me close. I struggled slightly, but I didn't have the strength to break free. I decided to wait for her to let go. After about a few minutes, she did but as I settled, she turned me around, so I was facing her. Our eyes met and she said,

"Bonbon... even though you're not somepony I thought you were, I still care about you. You've always been... more than just a friend to me. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I can promise you that I will not abandon you."

I couldn't believe her words. She must be lying. She had to be lying. Someday, I would have to leave or go on another secret mission and she would be left behind. The thought of us being a happy couple always came to mind but I would brush it off. I couldn't have a happy ending. That's the downside of being a secret agent. I've followed that logic for years. But, another thing I had learned about while being with her was that she never lied to me when she looked straight at me. She would either change the subject or look away when she attempted to lie. While looking into her eyes, she had confessed that she saw me as more than just a friend. That meant that... somewhere in her heart, she forgave me.

I felt a glimmer of hope warm the depths of my heart. Despite how confused, guilty, regretful, wet, and tired I was, it was the best feeling I had felt in a long time. Following the emotions dripping out of my trampled heart, I wrapped my hooves around her and buried my face into her soft mane. Wrapped in intimate embrace, I felt the light of hope grow. I was once again given a chance to embrace my feelings and this time, I was going to accept it. Still, I had no idea what was going to happen from there on.

"But, what if I have to leave you and never come back?" I asked.

She only smiled.

"Then, I will join you. Even if it's full of danger, I want to be by your side and help you anyway I can." She replied.

It was then I realized, maybe coming here wasn't a bad thing after all. There may have been a few tears shed but, perhaps in the end, everything will turn out okay. Maybe... just maybe... We could be together.