Lauren Faust does Ketamine and Lets Shrek Loose in Equestria
Most people claim that Faust’s exit from the production of My Little Pony was to do with her pregnancy and other toy projects. Well, I’m here to tell you what really happened to cause her departure. It was all the way back in the ancient year of 2012…
Faust was currently in her garage. She was lounging on her recliner set up inside the mostly empty space. There was a table with her episode scripts and a few cages that held neckbeard, fedora wearing bronies which she caught. This was a perfect space for her ideas to really flow onto paper. Except one important ingredient was currently missing from her usual writing atmosphere…
Ketamine! She just bought a few powdered bumps of that shit from her dealer. Normally she wouldn’t buy drugs from a preschooler but that little fuck said that Foster’s Homes was a good show so Lauren felt bad and bought some Ketamine from her. Hopefully drug money could afford the girl some clothes. So noble of her…
She took out her favorite bendy straw and laid down a few line on her titties. “Snooooooortttttt!” Lauren had sucked that shit up like a professional, and oh yeah, she was already tripping pony crotch tits. That was a good hit. Her pen rose to the paper and she began to write her new episode idea.
Twilight sparkle awoke to her familiar Library room as the birds chirped and the sun hit her eyes through the window. Morning in Ponyville really shimmered with beauty. Twilight’s awakening went as usual, but there was something she just couldn’t seem to understand. What was that smell? It smelled like onions.
Twilight turned around in her bed to face the other side of her room. She lurched at the sudden sight and came to the realization that she wasn’t the only one in her bed.
“Oh, Hello There!” Shrek beamed to her while chomping on an onion. Twilight was dumbstruck. She was drunk last night and definitely hung over now, but there was no way she got so hammered that she fucked an ogre, right?
“Oh, and last night was amazing. I’ve never knew mare’s could get so frisky with my ear wax.”
This was a real-life horror movie to her. Twilight started to scream and ran out of her room as Shrek watched her leave. She was in full panic mode. Twilight’s mind scrambled for an idea to get Shrek out of her house. The door was slammed shut behind her and she looked backed with a new idea. Kindness, just like Fluttershy.
“Shrek, can you come out of my room and leave my house?” Twilight tried to get his attention through the door.
“Oh, so you want the big, stupid, ugly ogre to leave!?” Shrek must have had his feelings hurt at Twilight’s actions, “I’m only leaving on one condition.“
“What would that be?” Twilight wondered.
“If you can beat me in a 1v1 on Rust in MW2.”
Oh, fuck. Twilight was screwed then. She was a total gay noob at Call of Duty. What Twilight needed was to get a seriously MLG human from the mirror portal and take Shrek out. And so it was planned in her head. She would go to Schaumburg Illinois and get Optic Nadeshot.
Twilight stood on the alien planet. She’d just come through the mirror portal where she stood in front of Optic House. A few steps toward it weren’t necessary like she thought as the Optic members stepped out to greet her.
“Yes, it is us, Optic clan, and our brothers of FaZe clan.” the floating, all powerful NadeShot told an awed Twilight Sparkle. She watched all of the members floating in front of the house in a state of their nirvana level enlightenment. They were magical beings just like ponies after all.
“We all felt through our magic, the unrest caused by the challenge of an ogre. It is in our oldest prophecies and text that we have learned this day would come. Take this Intervention from MW2 and use it against Shrek, and take with you into battle, Gamer Luna.” Their ultimate wisdom had struck a chord in Twilight. She truly felt prepared now to battle Shrek.
Twilight was with Luna in the library. After the day that had passed in the preparation for their now 2v1 battle, the library was now fully enveloped in a blanket of onion musk. Luna made her way to the door of Twilight’s bedroom where he sealed himself in.
“It is necessary that we commence a battle on Rust to rid you and your onions from Twilight Sparkle’s home.” Luna announced to Shrek. Just then, as Luna waited patiently for Shrek to answer, Shrek burst through the door knocking her down and destroying the door frame in the process. This left a large cloud of plaster dust in the air from the drywall.
“Alright then laddies, we have ourselves a fight, but if you thought I wouldn’t think about you bringing Gamer Luna, you were wrong. I have my own secret weapon.”
A figure made its way through the door while Luna sat herself up. Twilight’s vision focused in through the fog of drywall dust to see a human.
“Oh yes, it’s the most magical of all beings, Donald Trump!”
Trump used the Heelys on his feet to traverse the distance between him and Twilight to get up in her face. The pure swag that seeped out of his shoes alone would cause any non magical being to be instantly vaporized into weed smoke on the spot.
“So, you want a real MLG fight? My AC-130 is gonna bomb the shit outta you,” Trump taunted Twilight. Trump snapped his fingers, and teleported them with his chaos magic into the actual Modern Warfare map. It was on now. Twilight and Gamer Luna versus Shrek and Trump.
Trump tried to spawn kill Luna with an RPG and Danger close like a real scrub lord. She was too smart for his antics to be spawned killed so easily. She Commando knife lunged toward him before his rocket blew up around her. She missed by a bee’s dick length. Trump began to call in all of his kill streaks without any kills yet since he was a total no-life, hacker.
Twilight had had no choice but to run for cover under a shack to escape the AC130’s hail of bullets. She tried to channel her new mentor, Optic Nadeshot, in order to seek advice. Contact was made and she was treated to a gift that teleported its way in front of her. It was a fall camo, heart beat sensor, suppressor, extended mag, Fmj, adjustable stock, variable zoom, Intervention.
Before she could get a shot off, Twilight looked outside of cover to see her fallen gamer, Luna. She shed a mountain dew tear for her. Unfortunately for Trump, this was way too much of a scumbag move. Twilight whooshed into the air doing a 360 no scope on every kill streak on the map until all that was left was Trump.
He whimpered in fear at the new weapon she possessed. She had no mercy, as she did a 720, double wallbanger, carepackage, off the ladder, 420 blaze it, xXLegitScopes420Xx gamertag, final kill cam, silent shot, throwing knife, trick shot. Trump wasn’t dead. She had wasted her bullet on him, because it was only a hit marker. With a final attempt, she used her last resort, a hit crayon. The crayon was launched towards Trump’s face where it blew up into a magnificent 25 kill streak nuke. Her job here wasn’t done, but Trump was a dead noob.
Twilight’s attention was now on the main target, Shrek.
“I have one more trick up my sleeve for you.”
Twilight heard rustling and turned to see Harambe, the once dead gorilla, behind her.
“Now you’re fucked Twilight Sparkle.”
“That’s where you’re wrong,” called out Harambe, “I’m betraying you for the good of ponykind.” Harambe went to Shrek and poked his fingers into Shrek’s eye sockets. The fingers were covered in the blood and jelly of Shrek’s mutilated eyes. Harambe went deeper and used a melon baller to scoop out Shrek’s brain from inside of his eye holes. Shrek then collapsed dead in front of them from his lack of brains.
Twilight had officially vanquished Shrek from her property and now she was a Call of Duty master.
Lauren Faust had just got done reading her new episode script to Meghan McCarthy and Amy Keating Rogers. Lauren was also just now removed from her roles in My Little Pony.
The End
Author's Note
An engine compression ratio is the comparison of volume inside of the combustion chamber when the piston is at top dead center versus when it's at the bottom of its stroke.
