Violation of Self - The Journals of Princess Luna

by Magenta Gleam

Rating: teen
Tags: Sad, Princess Luna, Drama, Tragedy, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 2641

After accepting the Tantabus back into herself something strange has been happening to the dreams of Ponyville. Can Luna fix it or will guilt overcome her again?

After accepting the Tantabus back into herself something strange has been happening to the dreams of Ponyville. Can Luna fix it or will guilt overcome her again?

Written in journal form.

Trigger Warning: Self harm, Suicide, Emotional Pony.

Published 2016-09-17 02:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-17 02:00:01 UTC

12/3/1017

12/3/1017 A.D.

Dear Journal,

This has been a difficult night to say the least.

It started with the Tantabus escaping from my dreams into those of the element bearers. I had never imagined a scenario where somepony would discover the dark secret of my dreams, but now I guess I can’t deny what I created. Tia was very disappointed in me. She wouldn’t say anything but the look she gave me when I came home was enough to tell me how she felt about the situation.

When the Tantabus escaped and entered all the dreams in Ponyville things only seemed to be getting worse. I managed to connect the towns dreams together but because of the large magical strain it put on me I was forced to stand there and watch as a creature of my own creation tortured the dreams of an entire town of my subjects.

But all was not lost. When many of the ponies realised they were within a dream they took control and fought off the Tantabus even as it grew exponentially. At first I couldn’t understand why it was able to grow so powerful. Even the dreams of my little ponies shouldn’t have been strong enough for it to gain so much strength to keep fighting them off and attempt time after time to escape from the dream world.

It was then that with the help of the ponies of Ponyville and especially Twilight Sparkle and her friends I realised that the Tantabus was feeding off my own guilt to get stronger.

My friends helped me realise that I didn’t need the Tantabus to keep poisoning my dreams because they would help keep me in line. They could help me through my guilt. And so I relinquished my guilt and drew the Tantabus back into myself.

I have to say my dear journal that while this night was certainly a difficult one. I really do feel much better now that I can sleep without all these self inflicted bad dreams. Do I still feel guilty for everything I did as Nightmare Moon? Of course, but I can’t let that guilt overwhelm me. I have to become something better for my subjects. To do that I need to let go of the past and look to what I can do in the future to make their lives better.

Anyway my journal this is goodnight. I have some lovely dreams awaiting me in the coming day.

Princess Luna, Mistress of the Night.

12/5/1017

12/5/1017 A.D.

Dear Journal,

It’s strange. I have been living with the Tantabus in my dreams for so long it’s presence in my dreams has become commonplace. I can’t really explain it but I miss it in some ways. I knew what to expect and how I would feel, but now I don’t. My dreams have been all been starting out peaceful, almost boring and I find myself messing with my dreams on a whim.

It’s probably a good thing for me to practice my dream magic after so long on the moon and my dreams are likely to be the safest place to do so. But I find that I’m using my magic in ways I never have before. Honestly it’s not unlike when I was a little filly playing pranks on Tia. The first time I did it I recreated some of the dreams the Tantabus had changed. I created Twilight Sparkle in a library and had a swarm of books attack her only for me to fight them off, mutated a bunny for Fluttershy and gave Rainbow Dash a field of happy yet creepy flowers.

Looking back on this I think I’ll need to control what I do with my dreams a little more.

Anyway… after that I recreated my calm dreamscape again and tried to relax but I found I couldn’t. I can’t create the Tantabus again because I’m not going to let my guilt control me, but surely there is some way to explore my feelings without putting somepony else at risk. I’ll need to think on this some more.

My nightly observance of Equestria’s dreamscape has been a little more eventful in the passing nights, especially those in Ponyville. It would seem that after I linked their dreams together many of the residents have been having strange reactions. For instance a pair of mares that I’ve been told are named Bon-Bon and Lyra have been sharing their dreams the since that night. I have also noticed that each individual dream has been significantly more powerful than before. Perhaps when they were able to take control in the linked dreams they became more proficient in controlling their dreams when unaided?

I shall have to observe this for several more nights before I can come to any definitely conclusions.

Something else is worrying me about the Ponyville dreams. Several of the residents have been having nightmares with events similar to what happened during the dream link. This is worrying me especially because I can’t seem to have any effect in their dreamscapes, like they are rejecting me. I hope I can find a solution to this soon as I would rather help my ponies than be the cause for nightmares.

Well it’s come time to lower my moon so goodbye dear journal.

Princess Luna, Mistress of the Night.

12/19/1017

12/19/1017 A.D.

Dear Journal,

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I can’t help my subjects and I can barely sleep. Every night seems like a new torture. I sit in the dreamscape watching my little ponies in their nightmares, useless to assist. Tia has come to talk to me several times but I ignore her. She doesn’t know what I’m going through. How could she? She can’t possibly understand how it feels to be useless in her own domain.

Dreams and nightmares are my world. I live in there unlike how I do in reality. But now that is closed off to me. All I want is to help everypony but I can’t do that anymore.

I’m useless. Just a waste of my horn and wings.

Sure I have the moon and stars, and they are beautiful but it’s not like my dream world. There I am the sole ruler and I have complete control. But now, now I have nothing. I am a false ruler sitting on a throne of lies.

I’m sorry dear journal for all this depressive moping, but I can’t but feel this way. All I have ever wanted in life is to be useful and make everypony happy. I can’t do that anymore.

Goodnight my dear journal. I need time to think.

Luna.

12/28/1017

12/28/1017 A.D.

I’m just a waste of space.

-L

1/15/1018

1/15/1018 A.D.

She won’t help me. She doesn’t understand. No one can help me.

-L

1/19/1018

1/19/1018 A.D.

Did you know that red is such a nice color?

I didn’t realise it until this morning. In all of my history I saw it as just another color. One that I don’t see often on my little ponies. Red coats and red maned are quite rare. I wonder why that is? Anyway, I really love this color now. Red makes me feel better, red banishes the darkness in my mind.

Red means strength and power, it signifies energy, desire and love. The color red is one that should be revered the world over because of its power. Everypony notices when something is red and I definitely have. Red flows through the world and our bodies and when it’s seen ponies understand its strength.

That’s why I love this red, because it proves that I am strong. It proves that I am worthy of standing at the peak of pony society as its Princess. And I won’t forget how red has made me feel. I will continue to bring the red to the surface and everypony will see how strong I am. That I am worthy of its strength and power, that I deserve the love of my subjects.

Just like the color I am a balance. Anger and leadership exist within its beauty in equal capacity and so I shall become what red signifies. I will be benevolent and powerful, leading my ponies with a firm hoof but showing them passion when I need to.

My sister doesn’t understand that. She puts up a powerful front of stoicism so that nopony can see past her ‘perfect’ image, but I know that isn’t all that our ponies need. They want a strong leader that shows how she feels, because a strong leader is not one without emotion. She displays her heart at all times because her ponies will see that and follow.

So thank you red, for showing me who I need to be and bringing to the surface my feelings.

Princess Luna, Diarch of Equestria.

3/8/1018

3/8/1018 A.D.

Goodbye everypony.

I’m sorry.

Luna.

12/11/1017

12/11/1017 A.D.

Dear Journal,

No luck. Princess Twilight hasn’t even heard of dream magic other than knowing that I employ it. It looks like whatever I have to do to protect my subjects I will have to figure out myself. She will continue to research the problem and has agreed to send me reports on the ponies that are having nightmares. She also has recommended to me that I should pay less attention to the ponies who have been linking dreams and I agree with her. I have much more important things to concern myself with and they aren’t doing any harm.

I have entered the dreamscape for only a few moments since meeting with Princess Twilight and what I see is very depressing. The dreamscape is littered with the darkest of nightmares and I can’t do anything to help them. I think I need to stay out of it until I or Twilight discover a way to get inside.

On another note I have been sleeping less. No doubt due to the stress that this situation is putting on me.

I might cut this entry off here. I want to search the Royal Archives and see if they have the answers I seek.

Princess Luna, Mistress of the Night.

12/10/1017

12/10/1017 A.D.

Dear Journal,

Sorry that I haven’t written in you for the past few days but Celestia has been studying so much that I’ve barely had time for any of my other duties. I swear my sister has never taking a look at how our tax code works because it is so convoluted and confusing that I’ve developed a severe migraine ever since the first night.

I am afraid that I have also been lapse in my dream patrols. I’ve barely had a chance to enter the dreamscape, let alone patrol it for nightmares and I worry about any possible progression that the ponies of Ponyville have made these past nights. Actually you know what? I’m going to do that now.

Sorry for the short entry but hopefully the next will be a lot longer.

Princess Luna, Mistress of the Night.

Things are much worse!

I only spent fifteen minutes in the dreamscape and I can see things have progressed much further than I could have imagined. Ponies all over the town are linking their dreams with each other and the nightmares I couldn’t effect before are running wild and I can’t even enter them!

Something must be done about this! My subjects are suffering and I have no idea what to do. But what can I do? I can’t enter their dreams to help them and I’m the only dream magic user in the country. How could I let this happen? This is all my fault. All because I created the Tantabus.

I have to go tell Tia. Maybe she will have the answers I seek, or maybe Twilight Sparkle. That mare probably knows more about magic than my sister and I will ever know. I can only hope she knows how to help.

That’s it! I’ll go see her this morning after I lower the moon. Surely she will have a solution to my problems.

Goodbye dear journal and hopefully by the time I write in you next everything will be better.

Princess Luna, Mistress of the Night.

1/14/1018

1/14/1018 A.D.

Tia won’t let me go out anymore. She says she is worried about me.

There is nothing wrong with me! I am fine, she just doesn’t understand how I feel. She could never understand losing her place in life. She hasn’t struggled like I have.

There is no way that perfect model of righteousness could ever understand the struggles of somepony who has lost everything. Everything hurts, but at the same time everything is numb. I can’t feel anything anymore and yet I constantly feel like there are a multitude of knives stabbing at me every moment of the day.

I can’t explain properly. Words just haven’t been created to explain how deeply wrong I feel inside. My sister says she will be bringing a doctor to the castle to talk to me but there is no way I will let them in. I don’t care what they say. There is nothing wrong with me.

I’m going to go out tomorrow. I don’t care if Tia tries to stop me. I have powerful magic that she can’t begin to comprehend. I’m going to see Princess Twilight. She spent a long time alone so surely she will understand how I feel, and maybe she will have some ideas how to fix my dream walking problems. We can have breakfast together and talk about our lives. Maybe she will tell me about some of the adventures she has had with her friends. I’m sure that will brighten up my day.

Anyway, the sun will need to come up soon so I’m going to go prepare the teleport spell to get me out of here.

Princess Luna.

1/23/1018

1/23/1018 A.D.

Dear Journal,

What did I write in my last entry? I can’t believe I was so optimistic, so driven by something so stupid. Red is beautiful but it’s not that important. Do you want to know what I have been doing since I wrote those horseapples? I’ve been sitting on my bed and barely moving. My sister has surrounded my room with barrier and alarm spells. You know I’ve done some stupid things in my life but I may have just topped that.

My fascination with the color red is just more evidence of that. But what I did to bring it about I can’t stop. It is now my addiction. To feel the cool touch of the blade as it trails down my leg, to feel the warm flow of blood as it follows that same path and the stinging pain that comes next. I hate it. I NEED IT.

I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to LIVE anymore. Everything in life is pain.

I can’t help my subjects because of mistakes I have made and I can’t take care of myself because of more mistakes. That’s what I am. I’m a mistake. I should never have been made a Princess. I don’t deserve my life and I don’t deserve my title. Everypony should just forget about me again.

I think I’ll just hide away here. Only the castle staff and my sister will know of my existence, and maybe I can reduce that by never showing myself to them. My sister should understand, she knows how much I’m suffering, she sees the scars on my legs. I just hope she doesn’t bring that doctor back, his eyes scared me. There was something there, an emptiness I have never seen on anypony before and I don’t want to see it again.

I’m getting tired. Tia can lower the moon. Goodnight.

Luna.