Starlight Glimmer's Cutie Mark Removal Shopby naturalbornderpyChaptersDoctor NefariousBoatsThe DepartedThe Stick Of HelpfulnessDoctor NefariousStarlight Glimmer lifted her head up off the counter the moment her latest customer entered her shop. “Welcome to Starlight Glimmer’s Cutie Mark Removal Shop! Where you’re always sure your butt’s in the right hooves!” The light blue stallion furrowed his brows at her. “Well, that tagline’s just a work in progress. How can I help you today?” “I’m here to get my cutie mark removed. Posthaste. It has caused me nothing but misery and suffering ever since it was gifted to me. Ponies have a terrible tendency of viewing it much differently than I do.” He spoke in a voice much lower than seemed natural to him—almost as if he were doing it for show. Starlight chuckled to herself. “Let’s just hope it doesn’t have anything to do with rubber hoses or ranch dressing.” The stallion grimaced at that. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m more of a balsamic vinaigrette pony. But enough prattle! Direct your eyes toward my buttocks and tell me what you see!” So Starlight did just that, as a narrow smile found her lips. “Aw! That’s adorable! A trio of happy, smiling kids!” “No, it is not!” the stallion roared—again rather forcefully. “Those kids are not having fun! Those kids are screaming! Screaming out in terror as I bring havoc to this bright and colorful land!” “Sorry to disagree with you, but I really don’t see that,” Starlight said, continuing to glimpse the cutie mark. “Sure your special talent isn’t being especially good with children?” “I am most certainly sure!” the stallion spat. “What sort of ne’er-do-well would even have such a mark? I am the one… the only… Doctor Nefarious! And from this day forth, no longer will I have hench-ponies laughing at me behind my back because they don’t believe in my true horribleness!” Starlight couldn’t help but whistle in astonishment. “Wow. Doctor Nefarious. Do you actually have a medical degree of some sort? Or are you one of those specialist doctors? Hooves? Nose, throat, and ear?” “Of course not,” the stallion replied evenly. “What would happen if I accidentally scared someone into a heart attack and couldn’t resuscitate them? I don’t want to get sued here! You know how little villainy even pays? I survive on art grants, mostly.” He sneered. “No. I only use the title of Doctor Nefarious for all the puns it affords. Like writing someone out a prescription for pain! Or telling some pony they’re morbidly obese and laughing as they attempt to run away!” He eyed Starlight for a moment. “You know, I’ve always thought about adding a sexy nurse as my second in command. Ever thought about a life of super villainy?” Starlight shrugged. “Once.” “Not very good at it?” “I think I did all right. All things considered.” Retrieving her Stick of Helpfulness, Starlight removed the stallion’s cutie mark with little fuss and then dropped it into a glass jar. She finished the task by stuffing a cork atop of it and placing it on a long wooden shelf. “I thought you discarded clients’ cutie marks,” the stallion said. Starlight flashed him a grin. “I changed policy recently. Before I do anything with any pony’s mark, I give them a week to see if they might want it back. I also ask if trading is allowed following those seven days.” “Ha! Ha… ho! He! Ha! Snort!” the stallion exclaimed. “Do what you will with my old mark! The road of villainy is the only road for the likes of me! I wasn’t even going to pay you for your services today! I already spent the last of my bits purchasing delicious ice cream for all those adorable, little foals outside!” Starlight blinked a full five times before responding. “You call yourself a villain, yet you just bought ice cream for a bunch of kids? Yeah. I’m not throwing out that cutie mark of yours.” The stallion sighed. “Well, what was I supposed to do? It’s hot outside! The ice cream cart was right there! I may be a villain, but that doesn’t mean I’m some sort of stone cold monster! I’m not trying to be the next Tirek here!” Wanting to hurry things along, Starlight passed him a card that gave him a discount at the tattoo parlor next door. The stallion eyed the card and then back to her. “How do tattoos even work on fur?” “Magic tattoos,” Starlight huffed out. “How else?” “I’m thinking about getting a skull,” the stallion began, staring far off into the distance (or in this case at one of the shop’s completely bare walls). “Does that seem evil enough to you? Or… a skull with dark green vapor pouring off it perhaps?” “So a skull with stink lines? Would that make you Captain Stinky Skull, then?” He barked out another forceful laugh. “Don’t be ridiculous. If anything, I’d be General Stinky Skull. Much more important sounding.” “Maybe a dagger dripping blood?” Starlight suggested. “Nasty and messy.” The stallion frowned. “What am I? A hormonal teenager? What’s next? Razorblades and black mascara?” He gasped. “That’s it! I could be Hack n’ Slash! The most nefarious bad guy of them all! With a razor sharp wit to boot!” “Sounds—” was as much as Starlight got out before the stallion bolted for the door, stopping to look back. “I have to go. It’s an emergency,” he explained. Starlight raised a brow. “Plotting your first evil scheme, Mr. Hack and/or Slash?” “Not exactly. There’s a filly outside that dropped her ice cream cone and is starting to tear up. I’m going to go see if I can cheer her up a bit.” She sighed. “I repeat: I am not throwing out your cutie mark.” “But I’m evil!” the stallion whined in return. “Seriously! You’re sounding just like my wife right now!” It seemed as though the bizarre stallion would have to have the last word that day, as he scrambled out the door toward the pack of children out on the street. The last sight Starlight got of him before she went on her well-deserved coffee break was him hoisting the teary-eyed filly up onto his back to playfully buck around. Eventually, the filly gave his neck a tight squeeze. “I love you, General Hack n’ Slash!” Again, Starlight made a mental note to place the stallion’s old cutie mark in the vault next to the ranch dressing one. Only for safe keeping, of course. Or for date night. Author's Note Not as good as the first part, I know. More about setting up some rules in this one. Next part will be full on cute. You have been warned. BoatsThe bell above the door sounded off and Starlight Glimmer set her crossword puzzle aside. Since she still hadn’t come up with any great slogans yet, she instead flashed her pearly whites and faced the door. Only to find nobody there. “Hello?” she asked A pregnant pause followed. Starlight went to drop off her stool, but before she did a small voice made itself known. “Hi… I’m… I’m here about a cutie mark.” Leaning far over the counter, Starlight discovered a light orange filly with a mint green tail and mane. The little pony busied herself staring at her hooves. Like a screaming teakettle, Starlight gushed and immediately used her horn to lift the filly up onto the counter. “Aren’t you just the cutest little thing.” The filly glanced from her belly to her hooves. “I dunno. I guess so.” “I’m Starlight Glimmer. What’s your name?” “Cherry Berry.” “What a beautiful name.” Starlight looked over the filly’s shoulder. “Are you here all by yourself?” Cherry nodded. “It’s sort of an emergency.” Starlight placed a reassuring hoof on her shoulder. “Anything you say stays between us. So don’t worry about—” “Boat! I need a boat!” Cherry Berry yelled out of nowhere, seemingly surprising herself as well as Starlight. “And I need one before it’s too late!” “A boat?” Starlight raised a brow. “That seems like an awful big Hearth’s Warming Eve present for a filly.” “I mean I need a boat cutie mark. Do you have one? Please say you have one!” The filly’s bottom lip trembled, and Starlight had to ponder for a moment on whether or not she had any boat or boat-related cutie marks in stock. But before she’d admit anything to the agitated filly currently perched on her counter… “Why do you need that particular cutie mark so badly? I’m sure you’ll be getting a real cutie mark any day now.” “But what happens if it’s not a boat? If it’s something else, than that means that Aquamarine might not—” She ended her sentence short by clamping a hoof over her mouth. “Who’s Aquamarine?” Cherry Berry went back to staring at her hooves. “I dunno. Just this colt at school that I want to talk to me. He really likes boats. Or anything that floats on water. And he already has his cutie mark. It’s a sailboat.” “I see,” Starlight said, nodding. “So you think if you get a cutie mark of a boat, this Aquamarine will come talk to you?” Cherry Berry nodded energetically. “Of course! Imagine it: I’d come to school with my new cutie mark! It’s this crazy, giant boat crashing through the waves! Aquamarine sees my cutie mark and slowly… during the course of the day… as the hours slowly tick by… his love for boats becomes too much and he’s forced to be my friend!” She rubbed her hooves together like some miniature evil genius. “And then twelve and a half years later we get married and serve pizza instead of wedding cake!” Starlight was leaning back on her stool, a hoof held over her chest as if to shield her heart. “That’s so flipping adorable. I swear I could just eat you up right here.” Cherry gasped at that. “Wait! You’re a cannonball?” “A cannonball?” Starlight rubbed at her barely prominent belly. “Well, I might have gained a few pounds since moving to Ponyville.” “By eating ponies, I bet!” Cherry chirped. “Oh! You meant cannibal.” “That’s what I said: cannonball.” Starlight slowed her speech a bit. “Cannibal. Start by saying can.” “Can,” Cherry echoed back. “Can-a.” “Can-a.” “Can-a-bull.” “Can-a-duh.” Starlight shook her head gravely. “No, no, Cherry Berry. We don’t talk about that place anymore. Not after… you know. One more time, please?” “Can-a-bull,” Cherry finished with a nod. “Did I do good?” Starlight smiled. “Very good. But back to the matter at hoof. So this Aquamarine likes boats. Do you like boats?” Cherry shrugged. “I dunno. I guess they’re all right.” “Well, what do you like?” A small smile found the filly’s lips as she pondered that. “I like reading a lot. And dancing. And picnics without egg salad. And I really like visiting my auntie’s farm and picking berries to bake into pies.” Cherry blushed again. “And of course I like eating the pies we bake.” Starlight could only shake her head in disbelief. “I swear, Cherry Berry. You do one more adorable little thing in front of me and I’ll be forced to adopt you—following your parents’ sudden and mysterious disappearance, of course.” Again, the filly gasped. “You’d kill my mommy and daddy? But I thought you weren’t a great big meanie anymore?” “Who said anything about murder?” Starlight said gingerly. “I said mysterious disappearance, remember? That means I got away with it.” She chuckled to herself. “But moving on… why is it so important that you impress this particular colt?” “Because there’re so few of them around!” Cherry answered her, as if it was the most obvious thing ever. “Haven’t you ever noticed how few colts live in Ponyville? There’s only like two in my entire class! Of fourteen! So I have to make sure he notices me right away! Because I’m still not too sure if I want to be a laser beam or not…” Starlight grimaced. “A laser beam?” “You know. A laser beam! Like how my auntie’s a laser beam and she lives on her farm with her marefriend who’s also a laser beam.” “Oh! A lesbian. Now I get it. Although laser beam sounds so much cooler upon reflection.” She ruffled the filly’s mane for a moment. “But let me ask you this: would you be okay with having a boat as your cutie mark?” Again, Cherry Berry turned to her hooves. “I’m sure I’d get used to it.” “And have you actually talked with this Aquamarine before?” “Not… exactly.” Cherry’s shoulders slumped as her voice softened. “I get really nervous sometimes. That’s why I need to get a cutie mark of a boat so he’ll talk to me first.” Starlight lowered her head until their eyelevel matched. “Listen, I might not know everything there is to know about relationships, but what I can tell you is that relationships are a two part system. Sure, this Aquamarine fellow might be happy talking about boats for the rest of his days, but would you? And who’s to say he wouldn’t enjoy some of the stuff that you enjoy doing? I don’t think I’ve ever met a pony that didn’t like fresh baked pie.” That last part seemed to do the trick, as Cherry Berry glanced up again. “You think Aquamarine would like picking berries at my Auntie’s farm with me?” “Well, you’d have to ask him first.” “But it’s scary being the first one to talk!” “But aren’t the best things in life hard to get?” Starlight asked. “And you know the best thing about first introductions?” “What?” “You only have to do them once.” Ten minutes later (after they shared a good half-pot of tea together and plotted exactly how she’d introduce herself to Aquamarine), Cherry Berry left Starlight’s shop just as blank-flanked as she’d entered. Only this time she kept her head held up a bit higher than before. Starlight then finished that day’s work by marking in her calendar twelve and a half years into the future. She’d been invited to a wedding, you see. And more than anything she didn’t want to miss out on the pizza instead of cake. Author's Note Damn. The chapters are getting more and more away from 1k. Oh, well. The DepartedStarlight Glimmer held a feather duster in her aura, busily brushing off her many shelves when her latest customer entered her shop. One glance in their direction and Starlight’s duster instantly clattered to the floor. “C-can I… uh… h-help you with something today?” Starlight—having once been a not-so-nice pony herself only a short time ago—rarely tensed up in front of anyone. Then again, not many ponies looked quite like the stallion before her. On his torso, he wore an oversized black jacket. Around his neck were several pieces of gaudy gold and silver jewelry. Worst of all—besides his trio of unkempt mane, tail, and facial hair—was the darkened eye patch that covered one of his eyes. Starlight didn’t believe she’d ever seen such a mean looking stallion in her entire life. Until he opened his mouth, that was. “Well, hello, there!” the stallion exclaimed brightly, his hardened expression loosening at once. “Sure hope I caught you at a good time, Ms. Glimmer.” Clearly, Starlight was a tiny bit confused. “Umm… Starlight’s fine. And, yes, this is a good time. I take it you have a cutie mark problem?” The stallion approached the counter, lifting his eye patch up to reveal a perfectly functioning eye underneath. He sighed tiredly. “Here’s the thing, Ms. Glimmer. I’m just having about the worst luck fitting in with this new gang that’s come to town. I keep on telling them I’m tough and terrible and a big ol’ meanie pants, but no matter what I do, they just never seem to believe me! Aw shucks. And, to think, it was just two days ago that I kicked over a neighbor’s plant without even apologizing! What more do they want of me?” Starlight raised a brow. “There’s a gang in Ponyville? Since when?” “Only about three weeks ago, but I heard they’re gaining new members every—” He paused as his face reddened. “I mean… we’re gaining new members every day. Yep. I’m a gang member! Sure, I am! I remind myself of that every morning, I do. I get out of bed and look into the mirror and go, ‘Noble Heart! You’re a gang member now, so you better start acting like one!’ And then I do. Because I’m a gang member, remember? But only after I feed and play with my cat, of course. Mr. Snickerdoodles would never forgive me unless I did that before leaving the house.” “Uh… huh.” Starlight lengthened the two words until it was a whole ten seconds long. “So I take it you want a cutie mark that better represents what a horrible and terrible gang member you are now?” The stallion gave a big, goofy grin. “By golly, Ms. Glimmer. It’s like you know just what to say. Here, let me show you the cutie mark I have now.” Starlight strolled around the counter to better view the mark. She snorted by the sight. “I can definitely see why other gang members might give you such a hard time about it.” On the stallion’s rump was a crystal clear likeness of Princess Celestia’s smiling face next to a text bubble reading: “I LOVE YOU AND AM VERY PROUD OF YOU. NEVER FORGET THAT.” The stallion turned to her. “See? I’ll never move up in the gang’s ranks with a mark like that!” Turning to snag her handy cutie mark catalogue, Starlight was surprised to find another customer rush inside—this one covered head to hoof in bright, shimmering plates of armor. Starlight could barely open her mouth before they trotted up to her counter and shot their butt out to the side to shove the stallion away. “Why don’t you get out of my way next time?” her new customer snidely asked. By her brilliant armor, it was clear she must’ve been an official member of the Royal Guard. Unlike most members, though, she had a long jagged scar running all the way from her forehead to her cheek. Starlight also noted the single cracked tooth in her jaw, as the mare wouldn’t stop noisily chewing on a fat wad of gum right in front of her. “Look, Twilight Friend Number 615,” the mare said bluntly. “Here’s the story: I just got into the Royal Guards, but for some stupid reason, they’re all kinda-sorta scared of me. Like… extra bathroom breaks type of scared. So what you’re gonna do today is give me a new cutie mark that’s easy on the eyes. Capish? Comprende? You understand what I’m saying?” Starlight chuckled lightly. “Oh, this is one I hear a lot of. I’m sure your cutie mark isn’t that terrible to—” That was when the mare plainly plunked her entire butt onto her counter, lifting the bit of armor covering her mark. In response, Starlight loudly shrieked and backed away from her until she collided with the shelf behind her. “What in Equestria is that pony doing to that other pony’s soft places!?” The mare spat her gum to the floor. “Making an example outta him, clearly. What? You never dealt with snitches before?” It took some time, but eventually Starlight got herself under control. While she did so, the mare in the armor took out a small roll of paper to light with a match before placing it between her lips and sucking hard. The aroma of exotic herbs soon filled the cramped shop. Starlight tapped at her chin. “I think I may have an idea.” She glanced back to the stallion—who must’ve gotten back to his hooves earlier while he set his eye patch back in place. “You both seem to want the same thing, so I propose… a trade! So long as you both agree, of course.” “Who? Switch my cutie mark with this dweeb?” The mare took another long drag from her roll of paper, exhaling smoke out through her nostrils. “Desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess. Hold still, lamebrain, and let’s see what we’re dealing with.” “What are you—” The stallion’s face went crimson as the mare’s hoof fell to his buttocks and gave it a gentle caress. “I like what I see,” the mare muttered aloud, licking at her lips, “both the mark and what’s underneath it. And if I’m being honest here, it’s been way too long since I’ve been near a stallion’s rubber hose.” Starlight raised a hoof. “Is that honestly a saying now?” The mare ignored the question and finished her examination by giving the stallion’s plot a hard smack, causing him to yelp out in surprise. “Fine. Do it. Not like I’m getting any younger here.” Then the mare swung her torso into his, so both of their cutie marks tightly mashed up together. Starlight turned to the now stock-still stallion. “You’re okay with this?” The stallion thought on it for a moment, before nodding. “Anything for Princess Celest—” He stopped himself again. “I mean my gang! Anything for my gang!” The following cutie mark swap went rather fast and painless, and by the time it was over, the stallion began distancing himself away from the armored mare. Too bad she wasn’t letting go of him in the slightest, continually grinding her torso into his as she softly nibbled on a lip. She gave the stallion a seductive stare. “You gonna finish what you started, big boy? I’ve been with the Royal Guard for three weeks now and haven’t gotten laid a single time. Their loss, right? Whaddya say? I mean… it’s not like I’m a freaking Royal Guard or anything!” She tipped him a wink. “And if you’re lucky, I might even let you shoot ranch dressing all over Celestia’s face.” Again, Starlight raised a hoof. “That’s also a saying now?” The stallion angrily stomped a hoof. “I would never do such a thing to Princess Celestia’s immaculate face!” The mare smirked. “And here I thought all the gang members in Ponyville were super nasty and wicked.” The stallion frowned. “And here I thought all the Royal Guards in Canterlot were noble and brave! No wonder there’s word of a mole inside the castle!” The mare barked out a laugh. “Just like that undercover guard inside your gang that everyone’s talking about right now?” That last outburst made both of them freeze on the spot. Both began visibly sweating. The stallion broke the silence first. “I… I should go talk with Celes—I mean with the rest of my gang right now… they’re probably getting worried about me…” “Yeah,” the mare agreed with a nod. “I should probably go, too. Not to warn Rat-Faced Jimmy or Tantalizing Tony or anything like that… but just to, you know, warm up the Princess’ tea or something utterly pointless…” The pair departed soon after that. And so, with both of her customers gone (and hopefully happy with their transactions), Starlight merely shrugged and retrieved her duster up off the floor. The shelves weren’t going to clean themselves. Author's Note If anyone has any ideas for more cutie mark randomness, I'm all ears! Could be comedy or serious or whatever! The Stick Of HelpfulnessThe bell above the door rang as the mare shrouded in the grey trench coat stepped in. She glanced around the tiny shop and found only Starlight Glimmer inside, seated behind a glass counter. The mare locked the door and flipped the OPEN sign around. “Are you Starlight Glimmer? The mare that removes cutie marks for ponies?” Starlight sat up on her stool. “Well, that is my name above the shop. Alongside my picture. And the store is called The Cutie Mark Removal Shop.” The mare stomped across the room. “So this is completely confidential, right? This stays only between us?” Starlight gave her a reassuring smile. “Absolutely. I only set up shop to help out individuals gifted with more unfortunate cutie marks. I promise that anything that happens here today will remain strictly between us.” She whistled to herself. “Must be one terrible cutie mark you got if you’re trying to keep it so secret.” “And what do you do with the cutie marks? After they’re removed?” “Throw them in the dumpster outside, of course,” Starlight replied matter-of-factly. “Always have to put the lid down, though. Ever since I opened, kids without cutie marks have been raiding my garbage bins.” While Starlight spoke, the mare threw her trench coat to the floor. Only after she steeled herself did she show her backside to Starlight. Leaning across the counter, Starlight studied her plot and asked, “What even is that? A rubber hose shooting ranch dressing onto some pony’s face?” The mare’s face flushed. “Are you blind!? I think it’s pretty damn clear what this cutie mark is!” “Let me grab my glasses.” From underneath the counter, Starlight plucked out a pair of half-moon spectacles to wear. Then she eyed the cutie mark again. “Sweet Celestia’s Equestria!” she exclaimed, holding a hoof to her chest. “Is that what I think it is?” The mare nodded miserably. “See why I wanted to get it removed so badly?” “So that rubber hose is actually a…” “Yep.” “Making that ranch dressing…” “Yep.” “And that pony’s face…” The mare lowered her head. “Is my face.” Starlight surprised them both by rushing around the counter and dragging a hoof across the mare’s rump. “And it’s real! I honestly thought this might’ve been a prank. It’s so detailed! The playful contrast between the darks and lights. I don’t think there’s a painting inside of Twilight’s entire castle that could match just how visually breathtaking this is.” “Great. Could you please stop touching my butt?” Starlight withdrew her hoof. “Only because you said please.” Her eyes never left the highly detailed cutie mark. “It’s just so lifelike. It’s like it’s coming right at me!” The mare only glared at her. Starlight smiled again. “Okay. Poor choice of words. But before we go any further, I do have to talk to you a bit.” “About what?” the mare asked. “Can’t you just get rid of it? It’s revolting!” “Well, of course, I can,” Starlight delicately explained, “but another part of my job is trying to convince ponies to actually keep their cutie marks.” That was when the mare stared at Starlight so coldly she became momentarily worried that her head would cave in solely from the power of her thoughts. “There is not a single thing you could say that would change my mind about this. It runs halfway down my legs for Celestia’s sake!” “Okay. Valid point. Have you thought about wearing jeans around town?” The mare raised a sharp brow. “You know how hard zippers are for Earth ponies? Half my life would be spent pulling up zippers.” “Yoga pants?” “Then I’d have to take yoga classes! I’m not signing up for that.” The mare sighed out bitterly. “This is just ridiculous. First I had to wait until I was already an adult to get my cutie mark and then it ends up like this!? I mean… I didn’t even have time to grab a towel before it happened. I just started floating in the air while this whimsical music started playing from out of nowhere and then this bright light appeared. I even thought for one terrifying moment a big musical number was about to break out. I mean… imagine if the whole town started singing about this? I’d have to move!” Starlight shook her head. “Now no one’s leaving town. Not on my watch. How did your coltfriend handle all this, by the way? Based off the picture, I’m assuming he was in the room when this happened.” Waving a hoof, the mare replied, “He has no idea about it. By the time it appeared, he was already passed out and drooling. He kept on muttering something about his grandma waving him toward a white light. Which is odd… considering his grandma’s been dead for years.” “Holy guacamole!” Starlight chirped. “You really are good.” “But that doesn’t mean I want everyone in Equestria knowing that!” “True.” Jumping back behind the counter, Starlight removed a wooden staff from the wall to spin. “See this stick? It used to be my Stick of Sameness. Now it’s my Stick of Helpfulness! Like when I want to point at things! Or reach objects on the very top shelf!” “Why wouldn’t you simply use your horn for stuff like that?” the mare asked, right before the Stick of Helpfulness whacked her atop the head. “See how helpful it is? No more useless questions!” Starlight said with a half-sided grin. “Now let’s get cooking!” A full fifteen minutes later and the cutie mark had been successfully removed, leaving Starlight panting and the other mare with visible tears of joy. Starlight gave her a card on her way out. “This’ll get you ten percent off anything you might want at that tattoo parlor next door. Just tell ‘em Starlight sent you.” The mare gave her a quick hug. “Thanks. I was heading there anyways—might get a star or something generic like that in place of an actual cutie mark. Then when ponies ask, I’ll tell them I like astrology or something.” “Smart thinking,” Starlight replied, closing the door behind her. The mare’s cutie mark was still attached to her Stick of Helpfulness, so she threw it into the dumpster outside, placing a heavy cinderblock overtop the lid. No way did she want any cutie mark-less foals discovering that image. Author's Note A little grosser than my usual stuff. Tried to make this as close to 1000 words as possible. It's hard! Could there be extra chapters? More ponies with terrible cutie marks? I'm open to suggestions!
Doctor NefariousStarlight Glimmer lifted her head up off the counter the moment her latest customer entered her shop. “Welcome to Starlight Glimmer’s Cutie Mark Removal Shop! Where you’re always sure your butt’s in the right hooves!” The light blue stallion furrowed his brows at her. “Well, that tagline’s just a work in progress. How can I help you today?” “I’m here to get my cutie mark removed. Posthaste. It has caused me nothing but misery and suffering ever since it was gifted to me. Ponies have a terrible tendency of viewing it much differently than I do.” He spoke in a voice much lower than seemed natural to him—almost as if he were doing it for show. Starlight chuckled to herself. “Let’s just hope it doesn’t have anything to do with rubber hoses or ranch dressing.” The stallion grimaced at that. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m more of a balsamic vinaigrette pony. But enough prattle! Direct your eyes toward my buttocks and tell me what you see!” So Starlight did just that, as a narrow smile found her lips. “Aw! That’s adorable! A trio of happy, smiling kids!” “No, it is not!” the stallion roared—again rather forcefully. “Those kids are not having fun! Those kids are screaming! Screaming out in terror as I bring havoc to this bright and colorful land!” “Sorry to disagree with you, but I really don’t see that,” Starlight said, continuing to glimpse the cutie mark. “Sure your special talent isn’t being especially good with children?” “I am most certainly sure!” the stallion spat. “What sort of ne’er-do-well would even have such a mark? I am the one… the only… Doctor Nefarious! And from this day forth, no longer will I have hench-ponies laughing at me behind my back because they don’t believe in my true horribleness!” Starlight couldn’t help but whistle in astonishment. “Wow. Doctor Nefarious. Do you actually have a medical degree of some sort? Or are you one of those specialist doctors? Hooves? Nose, throat, and ear?” “Of course not,” the stallion replied evenly. “What would happen if I accidentally scared someone into a heart attack and couldn’t resuscitate them? I don’t want to get sued here! You know how little villainy even pays? I survive on art grants, mostly.” He sneered. “No. I only use the title of Doctor Nefarious for all the puns it affords. Like writing someone out a prescription for pain! Or telling some pony they’re morbidly obese and laughing as they attempt to run away!” He eyed Starlight for a moment. “You know, I’ve always thought about adding a sexy nurse as my second in command. Ever thought about a life of super villainy?” Starlight shrugged. “Once.” “Not very good at it?” “I think I did all right. All things considered.” Retrieving her Stick of Helpfulness, Starlight removed the stallion’s cutie mark with little fuss and then dropped it into a glass jar. She finished the task by stuffing a cork atop of it and placing it on a long wooden shelf. “I thought you discarded clients’ cutie marks,” the stallion said. Starlight flashed him a grin. “I changed policy recently. Before I do anything with any pony’s mark, I give them a week to see if they might want it back. I also ask if trading is allowed following those seven days.” “Ha! Ha… ho! He! Ha! Snort!” the stallion exclaimed. “Do what you will with my old mark! The road of villainy is the only road for the likes of me! I wasn’t even going to pay you for your services today! I already spent the last of my bits purchasing delicious ice cream for all those adorable, little foals outside!” Starlight blinked a full five times before responding. “You call yourself a villain, yet you just bought ice cream for a bunch of kids? Yeah. I’m not throwing out that cutie mark of yours.” The stallion sighed. “Well, what was I supposed to do? It’s hot outside! The ice cream cart was right there! I may be a villain, but that doesn’t mean I’m some sort of stone cold monster! I’m not trying to be the next Tirek here!” Wanting to hurry things along, Starlight passed him a card that gave him a discount at the tattoo parlor next door. The stallion eyed the card and then back to her. “How do tattoos even work on fur?” “Magic tattoos,” Starlight huffed out. “How else?” “I’m thinking about getting a skull,” the stallion began, staring far off into the distance (or in this case at one of the shop’s completely bare walls). “Does that seem evil enough to you? Or… a skull with dark green vapor pouring off it perhaps?” “So a skull with stink lines? Would that make you Captain Stinky Skull, then?” He barked out another forceful laugh. “Don’t be ridiculous. If anything, I’d be General Stinky Skull. Much more important sounding.” “Maybe a dagger dripping blood?” Starlight suggested. “Nasty and messy.” The stallion frowned. “What am I? A hormonal teenager? What’s next? Razorblades and black mascara?” He gasped. “That’s it! I could be Hack n’ Slash! The most nefarious bad guy of them all! With a razor sharp wit to boot!” “Sounds—” was as much as Starlight got out before the stallion bolted for the door, stopping to look back. “I have to go. It’s an emergency,” he explained. Starlight raised a brow. “Plotting your first evil scheme, Mr. Hack and/or Slash?” “Not exactly. There’s a filly outside that dropped her ice cream cone and is starting to tear up. I’m going to go see if I can cheer her up a bit.” She sighed. “I repeat: I am not throwing out your cutie mark.” “But I’m evil!” the stallion whined in return. “Seriously! You’re sounding just like my wife right now!” It seemed as though the bizarre stallion would have to have the last word that day, as he scrambled out the door toward the pack of children out on the street. The last sight Starlight got of him before she went on her well-deserved coffee break was him hoisting the teary-eyed filly up onto his back to playfully buck around. Eventually, the filly gave his neck a tight squeeze. “I love you, General Hack n’ Slash!” Again, Starlight made a mental note to place the stallion’s old cutie mark in the vault next to the ranch dressing one. Only for safe keeping, of course. Or for date night. Author's Note Not as good as the first part, I know. More about setting up some rules in this one. Next part will be full on cute. You have been warned.
BoatsThe bell above the door sounded off and Starlight Glimmer set her crossword puzzle aside. Since she still hadn’t come up with any great slogans yet, she instead flashed her pearly whites and faced the door. Only to find nobody there. “Hello?” she asked A pregnant pause followed. Starlight went to drop off her stool, but before she did a small voice made itself known. “Hi… I’m… I’m here about a cutie mark.” Leaning far over the counter, Starlight discovered a light orange filly with a mint green tail and mane. The little pony busied herself staring at her hooves. Like a screaming teakettle, Starlight gushed and immediately used her horn to lift the filly up onto the counter. “Aren’t you just the cutest little thing.” The filly glanced from her belly to her hooves. “I dunno. I guess so.” “I’m Starlight Glimmer. What’s your name?” “Cherry Berry.” “What a beautiful name.” Starlight looked over the filly’s shoulder. “Are you here all by yourself?” Cherry nodded. “It’s sort of an emergency.” Starlight placed a reassuring hoof on her shoulder. “Anything you say stays between us. So don’t worry about—” “Boat! I need a boat!” Cherry Berry yelled out of nowhere, seemingly surprising herself as well as Starlight. “And I need one before it’s too late!” “A boat?” Starlight raised a brow. “That seems like an awful big Hearth’s Warming Eve present for a filly.” “I mean I need a boat cutie mark. Do you have one? Please say you have one!” The filly’s bottom lip trembled, and Starlight had to ponder for a moment on whether or not she had any boat or boat-related cutie marks in stock. But before she’d admit anything to the agitated filly currently perched on her counter… “Why do you need that particular cutie mark so badly? I’m sure you’ll be getting a real cutie mark any day now.” “But what happens if it’s not a boat? If it’s something else, than that means that Aquamarine might not—” She ended her sentence short by clamping a hoof over her mouth. “Who’s Aquamarine?” Cherry Berry went back to staring at her hooves. “I dunno. Just this colt at school that I want to talk to me. He really likes boats. Or anything that floats on water. And he already has his cutie mark. It’s a sailboat.” “I see,” Starlight said, nodding. “So you think if you get a cutie mark of a boat, this Aquamarine will come talk to you?” Cherry Berry nodded energetically. “Of course! Imagine it: I’d come to school with my new cutie mark! It’s this crazy, giant boat crashing through the waves! Aquamarine sees my cutie mark and slowly… during the course of the day… as the hours slowly tick by… his love for boats becomes too much and he’s forced to be my friend!” She rubbed her hooves together like some miniature evil genius. “And then twelve and a half years later we get married and serve pizza instead of wedding cake!” Starlight was leaning back on her stool, a hoof held over her chest as if to shield her heart. “That’s so flipping adorable. I swear I could just eat you up right here.” Cherry gasped at that. “Wait! You’re a cannonball?” “A cannonball?” Starlight rubbed at her barely prominent belly. “Well, I might have gained a few pounds since moving to Ponyville.” “By eating ponies, I bet!” Cherry chirped. “Oh! You meant cannibal.” “That’s what I said: cannonball.” Starlight slowed her speech a bit. “Cannibal. Start by saying can.” “Can,” Cherry echoed back. “Can-a.” “Can-a.” “Can-a-bull.” “Can-a-duh.” Starlight shook her head gravely. “No, no, Cherry Berry. We don’t talk about that place anymore. Not after… you know. One more time, please?” “Can-a-bull,” Cherry finished with a nod. “Did I do good?” Starlight smiled. “Very good. But back to the matter at hoof. So this Aquamarine likes boats. Do you like boats?” Cherry shrugged. “I dunno. I guess they’re all right.” “Well, what do you like?” A small smile found the filly’s lips as she pondered that. “I like reading a lot. And dancing. And picnics without egg salad. And I really like visiting my auntie’s farm and picking berries to bake into pies.” Cherry blushed again. “And of course I like eating the pies we bake.” Starlight could only shake her head in disbelief. “I swear, Cherry Berry. You do one more adorable little thing in front of me and I’ll be forced to adopt you—following your parents’ sudden and mysterious disappearance, of course.” Again, the filly gasped. “You’d kill my mommy and daddy? But I thought you weren’t a great big meanie anymore?” “Who said anything about murder?” Starlight said gingerly. “I said mysterious disappearance, remember? That means I got away with it.” She chuckled to herself. “But moving on… why is it so important that you impress this particular colt?” “Because there’re so few of them around!” Cherry answered her, as if it was the most obvious thing ever. “Haven’t you ever noticed how few colts live in Ponyville? There’s only like two in my entire class! Of fourteen! So I have to make sure he notices me right away! Because I’m still not too sure if I want to be a laser beam or not…” Starlight grimaced. “A laser beam?” “You know. A laser beam! Like how my auntie’s a laser beam and she lives on her farm with her marefriend who’s also a laser beam.” “Oh! A lesbian. Now I get it. Although laser beam sounds so much cooler upon reflection.” She ruffled the filly’s mane for a moment. “But let me ask you this: would you be okay with having a boat as your cutie mark?” Again, Cherry Berry turned to her hooves. “I’m sure I’d get used to it.” “And have you actually talked with this Aquamarine before?” “Not… exactly.” Cherry’s shoulders slumped as her voice softened. “I get really nervous sometimes. That’s why I need to get a cutie mark of a boat so he’ll talk to me first.” Starlight lowered her head until their eyelevel matched. “Listen, I might not know everything there is to know about relationships, but what I can tell you is that relationships are a two part system. Sure, this Aquamarine fellow might be happy talking about boats for the rest of his days, but would you? And who’s to say he wouldn’t enjoy some of the stuff that you enjoy doing? I don’t think I’ve ever met a pony that didn’t like fresh baked pie.” That last part seemed to do the trick, as Cherry Berry glanced up again. “You think Aquamarine would like picking berries at my Auntie’s farm with me?” “Well, you’d have to ask him first.” “But it’s scary being the first one to talk!” “But aren’t the best things in life hard to get?” Starlight asked. “And you know the best thing about first introductions?” “What?” “You only have to do them once.” Ten minutes later (after they shared a good half-pot of tea together and plotted exactly how she’d introduce herself to Aquamarine), Cherry Berry left Starlight’s shop just as blank-flanked as she’d entered. Only this time she kept her head held up a bit higher than before. Starlight then finished that day’s work by marking in her calendar twelve and a half years into the future. She’d been invited to a wedding, you see. And more than anything she didn’t want to miss out on the pizza instead of cake. Author's Note Damn. The chapters are getting more and more away from 1k. Oh, well.
The DepartedStarlight Glimmer held a feather duster in her aura, busily brushing off her many shelves when her latest customer entered her shop. One glance in their direction and Starlight’s duster instantly clattered to the floor. “C-can I… uh… h-help you with something today?” Starlight—having once been a not-so-nice pony herself only a short time ago—rarely tensed up in front of anyone. Then again, not many ponies looked quite like the stallion before her. On his torso, he wore an oversized black jacket. Around his neck were several pieces of gaudy gold and silver jewelry. Worst of all—besides his trio of unkempt mane, tail, and facial hair—was the darkened eye patch that covered one of his eyes. Starlight didn’t believe she’d ever seen such a mean looking stallion in her entire life. Until he opened his mouth, that was. “Well, hello, there!” the stallion exclaimed brightly, his hardened expression loosening at once. “Sure hope I caught you at a good time, Ms. Glimmer.” Clearly, Starlight was a tiny bit confused. “Umm… Starlight’s fine. And, yes, this is a good time. I take it you have a cutie mark problem?” The stallion approached the counter, lifting his eye patch up to reveal a perfectly functioning eye underneath. He sighed tiredly. “Here’s the thing, Ms. Glimmer. I’m just having about the worst luck fitting in with this new gang that’s come to town. I keep on telling them I’m tough and terrible and a big ol’ meanie pants, but no matter what I do, they just never seem to believe me! Aw shucks. And, to think, it was just two days ago that I kicked over a neighbor’s plant without even apologizing! What more do they want of me?” Starlight raised a brow. “There’s a gang in Ponyville? Since when?” “Only about three weeks ago, but I heard they’re gaining new members every—” He paused as his face reddened. “I mean… we’re gaining new members every day. Yep. I’m a gang member! Sure, I am! I remind myself of that every morning, I do. I get out of bed and look into the mirror and go, ‘Noble Heart! You’re a gang member now, so you better start acting like one!’ And then I do. Because I’m a gang member, remember? But only after I feed and play with my cat, of course. Mr. Snickerdoodles would never forgive me unless I did that before leaving the house.” “Uh… huh.” Starlight lengthened the two words until it was a whole ten seconds long. “So I take it you want a cutie mark that better represents what a horrible and terrible gang member you are now?” The stallion gave a big, goofy grin. “By golly, Ms. Glimmer. It’s like you know just what to say. Here, let me show you the cutie mark I have now.” Starlight strolled around the counter to better view the mark. She snorted by the sight. “I can definitely see why other gang members might give you such a hard time about it.” On the stallion’s rump was a crystal clear likeness of Princess Celestia’s smiling face next to a text bubble reading: “I LOVE YOU AND AM VERY PROUD OF YOU. NEVER FORGET THAT.” The stallion turned to her. “See? I’ll never move up in the gang’s ranks with a mark like that!” Turning to snag her handy cutie mark catalogue, Starlight was surprised to find another customer rush inside—this one covered head to hoof in bright, shimmering plates of armor. Starlight could barely open her mouth before they trotted up to her counter and shot their butt out to the side to shove the stallion away. “Why don’t you get out of my way next time?” her new customer snidely asked. By her brilliant armor, it was clear she must’ve been an official member of the Royal Guard. Unlike most members, though, she had a long jagged scar running all the way from her forehead to her cheek. Starlight also noted the single cracked tooth in her jaw, as the mare wouldn’t stop noisily chewing on a fat wad of gum right in front of her. “Look, Twilight Friend Number 615,” the mare said bluntly. “Here’s the story: I just got into the Royal Guards, but for some stupid reason, they’re all kinda-sorta scared of me. Like… extra bathroom breaks type of scared. So what you’re gonna do today is give me a new cutie mark that’s easy on the eyes. Capish? Comprende? You understand what I’m saying?” Starlight chuckled lightly. “Oh, this is one I hear a lot of. I’m sure your cutie mark isn’t that terrible to—” That was when the mare plainly plunked her entire butt onto her counter, lifting the bit of armor covering her mark. In response, Starlight loudly shrieked and backed away from her until she collided with the shelf behind her. “What in Equestria is that pony doing to that other pony’s soft places!?” The mare spat her gum to the floor. “Making an example outta him, clearly. What? You never dealt with snitches before?” It took some time, but eventually Starlight got herself under control. While she did so, the mare in the armor took out a small roll of paper to light with a match before placing it between her lips and sucking hard. The aroma of exotic herbs soon filled the cramped shop. Starlight tapped at her chin. “I think I may have an idea.” She glanced back to the stallion—who must’ve gotten back to his hooves earlier while he set his eye patch back in place. “You both seem to want the same thing, so I propose… a trade! So long as you both agree, of course.” “Who? Switch my cutie mark with this dweeb?” The mare took another long drag from her roll of paper, exhaling smoke out through her nostrils. “Desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess. Hold still, lamebrain, and let’s see what we’re dealing with.” “What are you—” The stallion’s face went crimson as the mare’s hoof fell to his buttocks and gave it a gentle caress. “I like what I see,” the mare muttered aloud, licking at her lips, “both the mark and what’s underneath it. And if I’m being honest here, it’s been way too long since I’ve been near a stallion’s rubber hose.” Starlight raised a hoof. “Is that honestly a saying now?” The mare ignored the question and finished her examination by giving the stallion’s plot a hard smack, causing him to yelp out in surprise. “Fine. Do it. Not like I’m getting any younger here.” Then the mare swung her torso into his, so both of their cutie marks tightly mashed up together. Starlight turned to the now stock-still stallion. “You’re okay with this?” The stallion thought on it for a moment, before nodding. “Anything for Princess Celest—” He stopped himself again. “I mean my gang! Anything for my gang!” The following cutie mark swap went rather fast and painless, and by the time it was over, the stallion began distancing himself away from the armored mare. Too bad she wasn’t letting go of him in the slightest, continually grinding her torso into his as she softly nibbled on a lip. She gave the stallion a seductive stare. “You gonna finish what you started, big boy? I’ve been with the Royal Guard for three weeks now and haven’t gotten laid a single time. Their loss, right? Whaddya say? I mean… it’s not like I’m a freaking Royal Guard or anything!” She tipped him a wink. “And if you’re lucky, I might even let you shoot ranch dressing all over Celestia’s face.” Again, Starlight raised a hoof. “That’s also a saying now?” The stallion angrily stomped a hoof. “I would never do such a thing to Princess Celestia’s immaculate face!” The mare smirked. “And here I thought all the gang members in Ponyville were super nasty and wicked.” The stallion frowned. “And here I thought all the Royal Guards in Canterlot were noble and brave! No wonder there’s word of a mole inside the castle!” The mare barked out a laugh. “Just like that undercover guard inside your gang that everyone’s talking about right now?” That last outburst made both of them freeze on the spot. Both began visibly sweating. The stallion broke the silence first. “I… I should go talk with Celes—I mean with the rest of my gang right now… they’re probably getting worried about me…” “Yeah,” the mare agreed with a nod. “I should probably go, too. Not to warn Rat-Faced Jimmy or Tantalizing Tony or anything like that… but just to, you know, warm up the Princess’ tea or something utterly pointless…” The pair departed soon after that. And so, with both of her customers gone (and hopefully happy with their transactions), Starlight merely shrugged and retrieved her duster up off the floor. The shelves weren’t going to clean themselves. Author's Note If anyone has any ideas for more cutie mark randomness, I'm all ears! Could be comedy or serious or whatever!
The Stick Of HelpfulnessThe bell above the door rang as the mare shrouded in the grey trench coat stepped in. She glanced around the tiny shop and found only Starlight Glimmer inside, seated behind a glass counter. The mare locked the door and flipped the OPEN sign around. “Are you Starlight Glimmer? The mare that removes cutie marks for ponies?” Starlight sat up on her stool. “Well, that is my name above the shop. Alongside my picture. And the store is called The Cutie Mark Removal Shop.” The mare stomped across the room. “So this is completely confidential, right? This stays only between us?” Starlight gave her a reassuring smile. “Absolutely. I only set up shop to help out individuals gifted with more unfortunate cutie marks. I promise that anything that happens here today will remain strictly between us.” She whistled to herself. “Must be one terrible cutie mark you got if you’re trying to keep it so secret.” “And what do you do with the cutie marks? After they’re removed?” “Throw them in the dumpster outside, of course,” Starlight replied matter-of-factly. “Always have to put the lid down, though. Ever since I opened, kids without cutie marks have been raiding my garbage bins.” While Starlight spoke, the mare threw her trench coat to the floor. Only after she steeled herself did she show her backside to Starlight. Leaning across the counter, Starlight studied her plot and asked, “What even is that? A rubber hose shooting ranch dressing onto some pony’s face?” The mare’s face flushed. “Are you blind!? I think it’s pretty damn clear what this cutie mark is!” “Let me grab my glasses.” From underneath the counter, Starlight plucked out a pair of half-moon spectacles to wear. Then she eyed the cutie mark again. “Sweet Celestia’s Equestria!” she exclaimed, holding a hoof to her chest. “Is that what I think it is?” The mare nodded miserably. “See why I wanted to get it removed so badly?” “So that rubber hose is actually a…” “Yep.” “Making that ranch dressing…” “Yep.” “And that pony’s face…” The mare lowered her head. “Is my face.” Starlight surprised them both by rushing around the counter and dragging a hoof across the mare’s rump. “And it’s real! I honestly thought this might’ve been a prank. It’s so detailed! The playful contrast between the darks and lights. I don’t think there’s a painting inside of Twilight’s entire castle that could match just how visually breathtaking this is.” “Great. Could you please stop touching my butt?” Starlight withdrew her hoof. “Only because you said please.” Her eyes never left the highly detailed cutie mark. “It’s just so lifelike. It’s like it’s coming right at me!” The mare only glared at her. Starlight smiled again. “Okay. Poor choice of words. But before we go any further, I do have to talk to you a bit.” “About what?” the mare asked. “Can’t you just get rid of it? It’s revolting!” “Well, of course, I can,” Starlight delicately explained, “but another part of my job is trying to convince ponies to actually keep their cutie marks.” That was when the mare stared at Starlight so coldly she became momentarily worried that her head would cave in solely from the power of her thoughts. “There is not a single thing you could say that would change my mind about this. It runs halfway down my legs for Celestia’s sake!” “Okay. Valid point. Have you thought about wearing jeans around town?” The mare raised a sharp brow. “You know how hard zippers are for Earth ponies? Half my life would be spent pulling up zippers.” “Yoga pants?” “Then I’d have to take yoga classes! I’m not signing up for that.” The mare sighed out bitterly. “This is just ridiculous. First I had to wait until I was already an adult to get my cutie mark and then it ends up like this!? I mean… I didn’t even have time to grab a towel before it happened. I just started floating in the air while this whimsical music started playing from out of nowhere and then this bright light appeared. I even thought for one terrifying moment a big musical number was about to break out. I mean… imagine if the whole town started singing about this? I’d have to move!” Starlight shook her head. “Now no one’s leaving town. Not on my watch. How did your coltfriend handle all this, by the way? Based off the picture, I’m assuming he was in the room when this happened.” Waving a hoof, the mare replied, “He has no idea about it. By the time it appeared, he was already passed out and drooling. He kept on muttering something about his grandma waving him toward a white light. Which is odd… considering his grandma’s been dead for years.” “Holy guacamole!” Starlight chirped. “You really are good.” “But that doesn’t mean I want everyone in Equestria knowing that!” “True.” Jumping back behind the counter, Starlight removed a wooden staff from the wall to spin. “See this stick? It used to be my Stick of Sameness. Now it’s my Stick of Helpfulness! Like when I want to point at things! Or reach objects on the very top shelf!” “Why wouldn’t you simply use your horn for stuff like that?” the mare asked, right before the Stick of Helpfulness whacked her atop the head. “See how helpful it is? No more useless questions!” Starlight said with a half-sided grin. “Now let’s get cooking!” A full fifteen minutes later and the cutie mark had been successfully removed, leaving Starlight panting and the other mare with visible tears of joy. Starlight gave her a card on her way out. “This’ll get you ten percent off anything you might want at that tattoo parlor next door. Just tell ‘em Starlight sent you.” The mare gave her a quick hug. “Thanks. I was heading there anyways—might get a star or something generic like that in place of an actual cutie mark. Then when ponies ask, I’ll tell them I like astrology or something.” “Smart thinking,” Starlight replied, closing the door behind her. The mare’s cutie mark was still attached to her Stick of Helpfulness, so she threw it into the dumpster outside, placing a heavy cinderblock overtop the lid. No way did she want any cutie mark-less foals discovering that image. Author's Note A little grosser than my usual stuff. Tried to make this as close to 1000 words as possible. It's hard! Could there be extra chapters? More ponies with terrible cutie marks? I'm open to suggestions!
