Moon. Lit.

by gimmick68

Rating: teen
Tags: Cheerilee, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy
Length: 1715

Cheerilee unwinds at the bar after a typical week teaching. Things take a turn for the odd when Princess Luna takes the seat next to her.

It's the end of the week and Cheerilee is enjoying a drink at the bar. Her mellow mood is soon disrupted. The seat next to her is taken by none other than Princess Luna, who has her own drama to unload on anypony who will listen. Or understand her...

Rated Teen for drinking and adult situations
Cover art by me.

Reading by McClain Media.
Featured in an article on Equestria Daily on 12/21/2022.

Published 2016-09-18 20:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-18 20:30:01 UTC

In Which Cheerilee Endures Princess Luna's Rant

Cheerilee sat at the bar idly sipping on her rum ‘n coke. It was a good drink to calm the body and mind at the end of the week. The bar was full and yet she foolishly hoped the night would pass without incident. The town wino next to her was already in the bag, slumped over the bar, and a drinking contest was going full tilt a few tables behind her. If Cheerilee was the betting kind she’d have put bits down on Applejack for sure. Even though they teamed up, Aloe and Lotus stood no chance. Nopony outdrinks an Apple. A few more drinks of her own and Cheerilee just might find the spectacle to be entertaining.

For now, she enjoyed her drink, savoring it. She studied herself in the mirror behind the bar. She’d seen worse. She smiled at the sight of Berry Punch flopped on the counter. Further down the bar Blossomforth looked on in trepidation as the bartender prepared a flaming shot. Thunderlane, Flitter and Cloudchaser looked on gleefully and laid their bits down in payment for watching their friend pour fire down her throat. At the other end of the bar Dr. Whooves was engaged in a tipsy conversation with the mayor about the political climate of the vineyards of the Crystal Empire. On the side of Cheerilee not taken by an unconscious pony was the stool taken by a pony soon to be unconscious.

It was always a bit odd seeing the parents of her students in a public setting such as a bar but seeing them three sheets to the wind was something else entirely. Sweetie Belle’s mother was no exception and the fact that she could no longer put a sentence together gave Cheerilee a reason to reevaluate what was said during parent-teacher conferences. Cheerilee tried to pay as little attention as possible as the inebriated mare was dragged out of the bar by her husband.

There was now an empty seat at the bar and Cheerilee waited for her next bar mate. The minutes ticked by as peacefully as they could in an establishment such as this. In the mirror, however, she saw somepony enter the bar she wished hadn’t. Her heart pounded and she sunk in her seat. Her mind raced. Oh, please don’t see me, please don’t see me. Don’t see me alone at the bar. Don’t see me. Take the seat next to me and talk to me. Make me laugh, tell me I’m pretty. Take me home. No! No stallion wants a mare who drinks by herself. Just as long as he doesn’t see me he won’t know what a loser I am. Daring to peek in the mirror again she saw the red stallion make his way to his sister, encouraging her in her endeavor against the spa ponies.

Minutes passed by and Cheerilee silently watched Big Mac in the mirror, sipping on her drink and pretending to converse with Berry Punch in order to avoid looking too conspicuous. Her concentration was broken, however, by the pony taking the empty seat next to her.

“…and then I said…I said, ‘Listen! Listen here, you promiscuous tartar sauce mold. You. You can’t not talk…can’t to…can’t talk to me like that. I’m a goddess! Ya hear me?! Imma friggen goddess.'”

Cheerilee didn’t know what to make of the situation. She was still too sober to ignore the sudden appearance of the Princess of the Night. Said princess’s condition was cause for further concern. Luna swayed gently in an imaginary wind and her eyelids were not communicating with each other. Her mane, typically of such ethereal beauty that Equestria’s finest poets could not justly convey its existence, now bubbled and fizzed in a cartoonish manner. Her crown sat crookedly on her head and she smelled of the best wine in Equestria. And a few ales and liquors as well. To whom she was speaking, Cheerilee was unsure.

“Then she was like…” BUURRP!! “But then I said, I said… WE! We said, ‘You…yuuuuu forgetten your place, you degenerate bearer of the waffle fleas!' I said it. I said that to her.” She chuckled, but even managed to slur that. “An’ then I said, I told her our mother never loved her. Tis a lie but I said it. She’s all like…she’s all ‘Imma send ya to the moon!’ and I sayd…said, say I dee…say’d? I sed ‘I got a moon you can send you to’. That conspicuous consumer of cacophonous casseroles. Bartender, your strongest ale!”

Cheerilee leaned away. This kind of public display by a princess was unprecedented. If Twilight would have been here she’d have taken several dozen notes on this by now. Cheerilee could only store it away in her memory. Luna’s eyes seemed apt to take a break and disregard focusing. The princess made quick work of the ale and asked for another.

“I says to her, I said, ‘There’s no crying in monarchy!’ But no. Nope. She fights off a thousands of demonic ghost badgers and don’t blink her eyes but say one word ‘bout our mother and she’s a mess. And I’m the drama child. Crying. That’s…that’s…now that’s a moon-worthy offense. I was not about to stay and listen to her blubbering. To the streets for me.”

Cheerilee glanced around to see if anypony else was witnessing this. Unfortunately, it seemed she was the only one really giving Luna any attention. It was then Luna paid Cheerilee some attention.

“I know you. Yer that lil miss perfect teacher. Everypony loves you. Or maybe that’s me. But I know you. What’s your name?”

“Cheerilee.”

“Right. Cheese Bee.”

“Cheerilee.”

“Yep. The one who dreams of mating with the Apple stallion.”

Cheerilee blushed incredibly hard. “Uh…”

“Your secret is safe. Though, your hesitation means he's not." Luna eyed Cheerilee suspiciously. "Have you ever worn negligee trimmed in black light?”

“N-no.”

“Me neither. Musta been a couple other mares.”

Cheerilee was so baffled she didn’t notice that she’d leaned into her bar mate on the other side. Berry Punch had started unconsciously munching on Cheerilee’s mane.

“Barkeep!” barked Luna, “a Moon Shot for me and the mare in heat!”

“What?! I’m not in…”

“Shush, Chair Elly. Your mane tastes like a mid-life crisis. Drink now. Thou willn’t be able to drink alcohol consumption when bearing the young of the red stallion.”

“I’m not…” Before she could get another word in Luna levitated a shot glass of glowing blue liquid directly to Cheerilee’s mouth, leaving her no choice.

"Do not lie to thyself." Luna slammed her glass to the bar in victory. “We have conquered yet another…something or other. My revenge shall be fulled. My pride shall be my family reflected upon them. Upon the pride, the doorstep…no, my pride will obliterate…no. Incinerate the family…no. My upon the pride my pride will abdicate…adjudicate? Which ‘ate’ to choose.” Luna delved into the slush that was the dictionary in her mind. “Our sister will reckon with our forces! Never shall she again ask again question my abilities as a prodess.”

Cheerilee was starting to piece it all together but that didn’t make it any less bizarre.

“Bet I know who, though. Her. We don’t know what she expected out of me. I’m a princess, y’know?! Princess. Not a goddess. Not a goddess. There are no goddesses. No such thing.” BUURRP!! “Phooo! ‘Cept whatsernostril. The one with the stripes and the rhymes.”

“Zecora?”

“Uhn! Those stripes and that mane! Such rabience. Rhymmmmmmmes. Flaunting her exoticnesses. Shhhhh…sheezzzz up to sumthin’, mark my words. Werds? Words. Mark…my…” Luna’s face introduced itself hard to the bar.

Slowly, Cheerilee let her expression revert from alarmed interest to confused concern. She watched the downed alicorn drool on the bar. She passively poked the pickled princess. Nothing happened. She leaned forward to inspect Luna but felt a gentle tug on her mane. Turning around she found Berry Punch still chewing her pink locks. She retrieved her mane from the maw of the belligerently unconscious wino. She sighed and used the remaining rum ‘n coke to chase the shot forced upon her.

“CRETANS! WE AM THE MOON!” Luna had risen with purpose. Cheerilee nearly fell off her stool. “The Moon shall usurp the Sun daily basis…on a nightly basic. And I shall last all night!” She leaned in seductively to Cheerilee. “Allllllllll night.”

“I believe you,” the teacher squeaked.

“Come, Shelby!”

“Cheerilee.”

“Cherry Leaf. Let’s us depend this depart this den of debauchery and seek that stallion of yours. The one in your dreams. The Big Red Apple Mac. The Mac that is big! So big.”

Oh Hell no! “Umm…”

“It would be felonious to leave him without a companion. Which way to the alpha?”

“He’s in Appleloosa. Business. Family. Family business.”

“We shall find this Aplooza. Take my follow. My lead.” With that Luna wobbled to the rear exit and stumbled into her domain. Just before the door closed she could be heard singing a lullaby.

Taking no chances Cheerilee rushed to Big Mac. “We’re leaving,” she said, tugging him towards the exit by his yoke.

“Wuh…Cheerilee, what’s…” was all he could manage. He tried fighting against the mare.

“I said we’re leaving. I’m the only mare you’re ever going to think about. I’m the only mare you’re ever going to dream about.” Big Mac stopped fighting. The two exited through the front without another word.

Twenty Minutes Later.

Aloe and Lotus had long since been retired by Applejack. The farm pony now searched for her brother. She worried that the rumors were true and that he’d left with Cheerilee. She needed him rested and focused, neither of which he would be if the rumors were true. Thunderlane and Cloudchaser drank heavily as Flitter comforted a shaken and slightly singed Blossomforth. Dr. Whooves and the mayor were still discussing the politics of wine, though their conversation began tilting more towards incoherency. And Berry Punch woke up.

She groggily spoke to the bartender. “I had a dream I was eating cotton candy but it tasted like cherries and regret.”

Author's Note

Originally, this was an idea for a short comic. It never got off the ground so I decided to write it out instead.