The Joke

by JarlPypBoi

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Sad, Other, Princess Luna, Drama, Original Character, Tragedy
Length: 4120

Celestia is compelled to help a mental patient named Hardly Smiles who is suffering from a mental illness that nopony can identify.

When Celestia is sent a letter from a dear friend she is asked to help a pony named Hardly Smiles who is suffering from an unidentified mental illness. She meets the nurse of smiles who has lost all hope in saving her patient and welcomes Celestias assistance. But after Celestia sees just how far gone Smiles is she begins to wonder if even she will be able to fix this poor ponys broken mind.

Published 2016-10-01 02:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-10-07 00:04:36 UTC

The Pony That Can't Be Saved

"Y-you ponies c-call it m-m-madness but this isn't madness, it's awareness! Don't you see it? The c-cruel, not cruel--wonderful--" the never-ending unicorn’s ramblings cut off as he twisted around and stared at Celestia with dead emerald eyes. He wriggled frantically to get out of his bonds, but the straps that bound him to his bed held well. The unicorn suddenly froze.

"Is something wrong?" Celestia asked worriedly, moving towards the nurse mare. The bed-bound stallion’s body mimicked the stillness of a statue.

"I--I'm not sure, Princess, he rarely does this. Usually only when his parents visit." Nurse Soothe replied nervously. She was a nurse at the Canterlot Hospital of Mental Illness for seven years, and had been assigned to Patient Smiles until his recovery. Celestia furrowed her brows and examined the stallion more carefully. He was a long, lanky figure with a pale yellow coat and a brown, straight mane. Celestia looked at his cutie mark hoping for an explanation, but all was there was on his flank was an opened book, a pen in-between the pages. It provided no answers to any of her theories.

Nurse Soothe was an Earth pony with a blue coat and a long, rosy mane. She was known for her gentle manner and had earned her cutie mark (a stitched-together red heart) by saving a friend from a near-fatal depression. She knew that an apology and providing a shoulder to cry on was all that most ponies needed. However, Smiles was different. He was quiet and reserved when he first arrived, speaking only in his sleep where he was haunted by nightmares. Soothe knew it was only a matter of time before he would want to discuss his madness, so she waited. Over time, he’d become increasingly paranoid, and one day he’d broken his silence and begun an infinite monologue of horrors. It was so unexpected that nopony could figure out what could have caused such a personality change.

A friend had written Celestia a letter, asking for her help in curing Smiles. Although Celestia doubted she could cure an unidentifiable mental illness, perhaps she could at least identify why Smiles was acting this way. It was dawn when she first arrived at the hospital and she’d happened to meet Nurse Soothe at the entrance of the hospital. After Celestia explained why she wanted to help the pony, the mare immediately had taken her to room 66F.

"Are you sure that you've tried everything?" Celestia asked the nurse.

"And then some, we've exhausted every tool at our disposal. Well, save for the... primitive techniques." Soothe said, looking back at Smiles. "When I first came here, he was just arriving for the first time and was immediately deemed a high priority. His nonsensical monologue went on and on from day to night, and even then he still talks in his sleep. For seven straight years he raved about the joke. And only when his family arrives does he ever stop, but even then he just sits there, staring into space, never talking."

"Have you tried doing research on him, questioning his family?" Celestia asked, worried for the poor pony. Nurse Soothe nodded her head in silent misery. She was beginning to think that even the Princess herself couldn't stop this. Smiles was still staring into space, expressionless.

"Would you like to look at the files we have on our sessions with him?" Nurse Soothe offered.

"Yes… Perhaps there's a clue somewhere." Celestia mused. Soothe led her out of the room. Strangely, the hospital was in complete silence.

"The hospital is never this quiet… I wonder what's happening." the nurse looked nervous. The quiet was absolute; not even the sound of hoofsteps could be heard, nor did they ever see another pony along the way.

"Can you hear it?"

The voice was whispery and seemed to surround them. At once, it was gone as sudden as it had come. Immediately afterward the hospital erupted with the sounds of madness, laughter, crying, and monotone voices. Over it all, you could hear the quiet, yet constant, voices of nurses and doctors conversing thoughtfully.

"Are we almost there? I feel as if I've been walking for years." the Princess commented uneasily.

"Yes, it’s just a few more doors down. It’s odd how long it’s taken us; usually it only takes me a couple of minutes to get there, never ten." the nurse replied, seeming thrice as nervous as Celestia.

The two eventually entered an unlocked room labeled 6-F. A dozen cabinets towered above them and leaned unsteadily. Manila folders were stuffed in the numerous drawers. A mahogany desk was positioned in a corner, holding an opened file and a silver ashtray. A drawing easel was stuffed into the corner along with a small bookshelf. Soothe saw Celestia contemplating the mess and quickly explained.

"The nurses--and especially the doctors need a way to escape. After all, they deal with insanity every day and are expected to cure it and not let it affect them. So we usually allow a breaktime to help everypony through the day.

“Ponies always mock me for not reading, or smoking, or doing whatever else, but then again… I've just never had time.” Celestia noticed Soothe’s red eyes beginning to brim with tears. “I'm always trying to find a new way to help Smiles... for the past seven years I've been struggling, from day one and ever since. You are my last chance, Princess Celestia. Because if you can't save Smiles,” the nurse took a large, shuddering breath. “Nopony can.”

Nurse Soothe finally broke down into quaking, heartbreaking sobs. Celestia’s heart sank. Only a few times in her life had she truly felt helpless to do anything. She swallowed hard as she truly considered the fact that Smiles might never be fixed. She took a sharp breath inward as a mad thought suddenly flit through her head. What if it isn’t Smiles that needs to be fixed, but us? She quickly dismissed it. No. Just a raving of a mad pony, nothing more.

Just as Celestia had finished her train of thought, Nurse Soothe had pulled herself together and taken a file from a cabinet marked with an S.

"Take this, Princess. I don't know what you'd be able to gather from these that we have not, but if you think that this will help, than by all means." she gestured towards the file, and allowed two final tears to fall down onto the paper.

Celestia enveloped the rather thick file in her golden aura and skimmed it. There were series of long paragraphs similar to the rant Smiles had given earlier, as well as dozens of photos, even a few scraps of scribbled-on parchment taped in it. She closed it and sent it to her carriage in a magical flash.

"Thank you, Nurse Soothe. I'll make sure to tell the warden here that I have taken this, though I doubt he'll mind."

The two walked out of the room and down the hall, where they said their farewells and parted. However, they were distracted farewells, as both had other things on their minds. Both ponies knew this was certainly not the last time Celestia would see either Smiles or Nurse Soothe.

Celestia looked for a sign or map to figure out where she was, but found nothing, not even another pony to give her directions. Hall after hall, her trot grew quicker and quicker with her apprehension, finally breaking into a full-on gallop. She couldn't remember exactly where the wallpaper began to fade and grow moldy, or where the lights began to flicker, but it had. Celestia, trying to stop her panicked run, slowed and took deep breaths. She took deep breaths, and slowly, she calmed down. The Princess looked around at her surroundings. She was still walking down a hall with patient rooms on either side, but at the end of the hall was a newer, more maintained door and even a small welcoming map. Celestia smiled in relief, and, approaching the door, knocked cautiously.

"Come in," called a male voice. Celestia pushed open the door, exposing a beautiful and tastefully decorated office. Noticing the exotic Everfree plants, she just barely contained a snort upon seeing a large pot full of poison joke. Carefully slipping by it, she made her way to the end of the narrow room, where a stallion was hunched over his desk. The pony didn’t bother to look up, instead only briefly acknowledging her with a wave to the couch in front of his desk. The Warden (she could tell by the nameplate on his desk) was still looking at his papers. In fact, he pulled out more papers and levitated several more pens up to sign them. He was surrounded by floating papers and pens, but remained at ease.

"What is it now?" he grumbled, still refusing to look up. Celestia was miffed. She felt frustrated and angered to be talked to in such a way, but stifled her feelings, choosing instead to be more patient.

"I have taken an interes-"

"Who are you? I don't seem to recognize your voice." The Warden interrupted. He had stopped working for a moment to look at his peeved visitor, and gulped upon finding Princess Celestia herself in his office.

"Oh--Princess Celestia!” The Warden scrambled away from his desk and quickly bowed, then shot back up again. “I--I'm sorry I treated you in such a way but as you can tell I'm quite busy, and uh, well, I simply wasn't expecting anypony, let alone a Princess. Ah, I'm rambling on, so, Princess, why have you come here today? Nothing wrong, I hope?"

Celestia couldn't help but chuckle at the sudden change in demeanor. "There's nothing wrong, but a friend of mine has asked that I try and lend a hoof to a patient of yours, H. Smiles.” As soon as Celestia had mentioned the name, the Warden’s expression grew grim.

"Oh, no, Princess, it’s a lost cause. He hasn't changed a bit since we initially brought him here; he only stops his mumbling when his family arrives. So please, just drop it--it won’t cause anypony harm if it continues." The Warden seemed intent on having her stop working on Patient Smiles’ case, and that just made her more determined to solve this than ever.

"I am not so easily persuaded, Warden. I've never given up on helping somepony, and I'm not starting today. Now, I've taken the liberty to borrow his files. After I read them fully we'll see what solution I can come up with." Celestia’s argument was weakly formed and could've been broken down by the slightest of opposition, but, thankfully, not many ponies argued with the Princess.

"If you want to help Smiles, than I can't stop you, I suppose." the Warden resumed his work, more distracted than ever. Celestia left the office in silence. It was strange how both the nurse and the Warden had suddenly lost all hope to save Smiles. It was their job, after all. Celestia, not wanting to spend another minute in the hospital, followed the directions on the map on the Warden’s door and headed out.

She left the hospital tired and emotionally drained. Celestia wanted nothing but sleep, but she knew that she had to read the file on Smiles before she did anything. She sighed, exhausted, as she looked at the moonlit sky, wondering where the time had went. Idly, the Princess wondered if Luna had had half such an exhausting day.

The royal carriage took her to the statue garden, near the rear entrance to the castle. Two of the Lunar Guard had offered to take her luggage, but she had politely refused. She could handle herself, after all, but however she’d be grateful if they could alert Princess Luna of her return. Tip-hoofing into the silent castle, she lit her fireplace and sank into her covers, resolving to read at least a quarter of the file’s content. Day 1: Opening Session... It was going to be a long night.

Author's Note

hope you liked the story so far :D
If you have any questions or whatever drop 'em in the comments
Special thanks to Fire-Sprite for helping me out by editing the story!

Day One

I had been reorganizing my files when a nurse had trotted in and notified me that my patient had arrived earlier than expected for the appointment. To make the room more welcoming, I’d quickly stashed my loose papers into a drawer. Just as the nurse had notified, two unicorns stepped into my office. The younger of the two was Hardly, and the older was obviously his mother, Mrs. Smiles. Mrs. Smiles had a green coat and a short yellow mane. She was nervously smiling and apologizing for being so early, which was odd, considering she was just as nervous as my late patients. I noticed her cutie mark--a small book in the shape of a bunny. It seems to be a running theme in the family--Hardly’s cutie mark turned out to be a book as well. He didn't seem impressed with my office, however, and looked lost in his own world.

After the formalities, we decided to do a quick physical check-up, to which Hardly appeared average. I decided to do a quick one-on-one session, but it was strange, to say the least.

"So, Hardly, why do you think you're here?"

"Because father," he’d replied unsteadily, twisting his hooves.

"Why would your father want you here?"

The words "it’s... can't... why... " was all I could make from his mumbling. With every question he became increasingly nervous, so I decided that we could continue the session tomorrow morning. When I showed him out of the office, I noticed Hardly was showing symptoms of the beginning of a migraine. I called over a nurse, but unfortunately she was new and didn't know what to do. However, I’d gotten distracted and suddenly noticed that Hardly’s horn was glowing intensely to it. Backing away in self-defense, Hardly’s magic aura had exploded in an immense green ball. At that point, I’d blacked out.

We all know what happened next: the new nurse brought back some more experienced doctors and nurses to mend the situation--and what a situation it’d been. Hardly’s burst of magic had knocked several ponies unconscious, including myself. The blast had also broken every window in the eastern wing--well, if you listened to the rumors. Other than that, I have little else to report, I have not yet been officially updated. But that’s no longer of my concern: the doctors here have suggested that I stay a few weeks while they run a few more tests on me for possible magic residue. I hope whoever the unlucky pony is that takes my place as counselor for now is prepared for that pony’s instability.

Dr. Chrome.

The letter left Celestia with more questions than answers, so she turned to the next page and hoped it’d would be more promising. She’d barely started reading the first line when she felt her eyes droop. She suddenly noticed how soft her couch was and how tired she was. She sleepily looked over the pages and pages and pages of notes… she’d just dozed off when her eyes opened to find a murky world, disorienting to look at. Fortunately, it became clearer. White walls slid up, white with an odd… padded texture? Voices all around her mumbled.

"Do it," said one, "just go, he's not real.” they comforted.

"No, no, no, not now, not now! He's looking, he knows!” another whispered urgently. Celestia wildly looked around, but there was nopony there.

“Hurry, run--just run, he knows!” a masculine voice urged.

“No, stop, you’re being so STUPID!” another screeched. Celestia shrank back at the intensity of the scream. The voices layered themselves on one another and shouted down at the quivering pony.
The voices varied in strength and volume, but they all seemed to come from one place.
Her head.

“NO--no, look, look, he’s watching, he knows--” Celestia, panicked, twisted around on her couch. But this was no longer a couch, this was a bed… a mirror image to the one that Smiles had been restrained in. The straps forced her down.

"WhO aRE yOU?" a booming voice sounded. The voice was distorted and different from the others--instead of her head, it was coming from above her.

No… no, please, I don't understand…” Celestia pleaded. “Wake up!” she shouted. The voices echoed her with insults and taunts. She squeezed her eyes shut.

"Do you kNOw WHo I aM?" the voice rasped. She flailed as she felt hot breath on her face.

"Do NOt WoRRy, I caN NOT hurT yoU ChILD." Saliva dripped from its mouth and onto her cheek, burning like acid. She bit her tongue to withhold a scream and, still, refused to open her eyes. The thing finally relented and pulled away from her. After a few quiet seconds and assumed safety, suddenly it was back and was screaming at her.

"WhY dO yOU aCT so ScAReD OF ME, WhO ArE yOU To JuDge?" The creature’s voice was so loud Celestia felt the reverberations. Echoes began repeating it, louder and louder, until her ears began bleeding. Her heart quickened as her fear heightened. The creature crept closer and closer with each screaming echo and ripped off her eyelids, forcing her to look into the darkness as her screams pierced the air.
Nothing.

Not even a shadow.

Celestia’s screams finally died down. She felt somepony breathing next to her, but she only wanted it to stop. The voices were unhappy.

"No, you idiot, why? Now we have to kill him..."

"Are you this dumb? I didn't know that was even possible..."

"You're a pathetic, worthless meat sack… pathetic worthless meat sack, pathetic worthless meat sack, PATHETIC WORTHLESS--"

Celestia couldn't take it anymore, the voices were too overwhelming. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" she shrieked at the top of her lungs. Thankfully, silence immediately enveloped everything. The darkness evaporated to reveal her padded room.

Beside her bed, she saw a nurse pony standing over her… a nurse pony with a light blue coat and a rosy mane. Nurse Soothe from the hospital. The nurse was talking to somepony across from her. When Celestia turned to see who it was… she saw herself standing there. Her pupils shrank as she tried to tear through her restraints. Regaining her breath, she rationalized that it’d be smarter to figure out a plan rather than fight. She began forming a plan, not noticing that the dream Celestia was standing right in front of her. The nurse pony asked if she was all right, but Celestia ignored her, staring into space. As dream Celestia and Nurse Soothe left the room, voices whispered in her head.

“... Hopeless.." and then another, "Lost cause..."

"WhO ARe You tO JuDGe?"

Celestia woke up with a cold sweat, the moon still hung high in the sky. Memories raced through her: Smiles and Nurse Soothe, the injured doctor and the grim look the warden had given her when he’d warned her not to try and help Smiles. Celestia began shaking uncontrollably and tears forced themselves down her face. She’d had the worst nightmare anypony could have… and Luna hadn’t been there. Anger at her sister prickled in the back of her mind.
She knew that it was only minutes before dawn and Luna would come to greet her, but she couldn’t stop trembling and sobbing. But after a few minutes, her sobs quieted and Celestia wiped away her tears. After some time, Luna opened Celestia’s window and floated gracefully through. A surprised look crossed her face as she saw her sister was already up.

"Sister, is something wrong?" Luna asked, clearly worried for her scared-looking sister. Without a word, Celestia summoned the folder on Smiles and let Luna’s magic surround it. While she flipped through it, Celestia shakily explained that she’d received a letter from a friend that inspired her to help Smiles, how she managed to get hold of the folders, and of how she was urged by the Warden to not drive herself mad by helping the patient. She did not, however, tell her of the nightmare nor of the incident that injured Dr. Chrome.

"Is that all?" Luna asked.

"Yes, why do you ask?”

"It just seems a little short, is all. Do you need me to help in any way?"

"No, Luna, I can handle it. It might be a bit of an extra weight on your royal duties, anyway." Celestia reassured while taking back the folder from Luna. Luna narrowed her eyes, annoyed that Celestia wasn’t letting her help.

"Sister, I can handle myself, you do not have to treat me as a foal." Luna explained, tugging the folder back. Celestia shook her head and pulled harder with a new surge of magic. “Come on, Tia!” Luna stomped her hoof.

Luna, just leave this to me, for pony’s sake. I don’t want you to get hurt, Celestia thought. Her temper rose at Luna’s filly-like behavior.

“Luna, you’re acting very foalish. For the last time, I’m going to work on this case!” Celestia was not in the mood for tug-of-war and easily regained control of the files. Luna put all her power into taking back the scroll.

“Just let me help you!” she cried stubbornly. Celestia sighed angrily.

"This is not the time or place to be doing this Luna, now let go." she pulled hard on the folder, so hard its contents fell out and the folder itself ripped in half. Both sisters stared in shock as a breeze from the open window blew some of the papers into the crackling fire place.
“Luna!” Celestia leaped towards the fireplace and tried to salvage what she could, but it crumbled to ash in her hooves. Luna joined her, her face showing shame.
“Tia, I…” Celestia’s temper reaching a peak, and combining her stress and fear, she did something she hadn’t done since Luna’s return, less than a year ago. She yelled at her.
"Don’t apologize! This research is completely ruined!" Celestia was too mad to stop herself.
“I’m so sorry, Celes--”
“No! It was your fau--nevermind! Just please, leave me alone.” Celestia growled, trying to stop herself from making the situation worse. Luna narrowed her eyes further.
“Fine.” Luna spread her wings and took off in a whoosh, her silhouette soon disappearing into the night. Celestia stood in shock, trying to recover her wits. However, somepony soon interrupted her thoughts with a knock on the door.
"Princess, I heard shouting and noticed the sky was still dark, are you all right?" a guard’s muffled voice called. Celestia barely heard him, still staring at the night sky and regretting her words.
"Princess?" The guard called again, but to no response. "Are you there?" She heard the panicking guards outside,but she found it hard to move at all.
"Hurry, go alert all guards that the princess is missing, quick!" she heard the guard order his fellow soldiers.
What have I done?
"Don't just stare at me, you idiots! You! Go get Luna; tell her we need to find Celestia!"
Luna, please don’t be mad at me...
Celestia jolted to her senses and opened the door to the startled guard.
"I'm fine, Captain, you don’t need to search the castle." The disgruntled captain turned around, mumbling something unpleasant under his breath. Before leaving, he swung around suddenly.
"Princess, when will you raise the sun? The town ponies must be worried."
“Oh--yes, of course.” And just like that, the sun rose, bringing a beautiful rosy sky with it. The wonderfully crafted stained-glass windows glowed and cast colored light across the room. It even brought a small smile to Celestia’s face. The guard left quietly, mollified by the windows’ beauty.
Celestia slowly walked down the colorful hallway, letting her eyes drift over the detailed tapestries and her ears take in the distant but cheerful chatter of castle servants. It was hard not to see the beauty in this world, but it wasn't hard to see the pain and suffering either. Those stained glass windows were made out of pigments that only rare--and now, mostly extinct--animals could produce. Tapestries hanging on the walls depicted fights and civil wars, and the ponies that took up the armor were not just for intimidation.
Her smile had vanished, and all that was left of the hallway was another spreading out in another direction. A hallway where evil lurked. Sighing, she began her way to the throne room to begin her daily royal duties. I hope Luna will be there.