The Inconveniences of Hiking Through Magical Caves
The flora around him was no longer that of a pinewood forest. Instead, it resembled something you’d find in a British beech forest, with the ground covered in golden leaves, when only twenty minutes ago it had been mainly moss. The sun was in the wrong place, which made it feel like morning instead of the late evening. Even the compass in his hand pointed in a direction he knew wasn’t north a while ago.
The cave that he had just ventured through seemed to be the culprit. Could it have contained gas that affected his mind, or perhaps fungi? It would fit with his predicament. He made a series of mental exercises and counted quickly backward from a hundred using only primary numbers. Everything seemed in order, and he could remember in detail the hours of him walking from his rented cottage.
Instead of going into that cave again, he decided to wander west, if his compass could still be trusted. There was a chance the cave was dangerous, so it would be safer just walking until he found a road that would eventually lead him to some signs. As he wandered, he felt his instincts screaming at him that something was wrong. It was probably due to the sudden change in environment and temperature, alongside the less humid and cleaner air.
Walking in a lovely, dry, leafy forest wearing green rubber boots and matching insulated hiking clothes made him feel somewhat dumb, but he decided that it wasn't worth removing any layers of clothing, since he could see buildings up ahead. He hoped the answers to the strange and sudden changes he was experiencing would be found there.
—
Two hours he’d sat there while staring at the town. Observing the multicolored ponies when they traveled the road in and out of the old Germanic style village. It was apparently some sort of pony civilization, as the town seemed entirely maintained by the equines.
There were two options available. The obvious one would be to find a way back to the cottage, get his phone, then call someone. Maybe return with his camera and take a few photos, with the map and compass he could always find the way back to where he had entered this strange land.
The other option would be just to go and make contact with the ponies. He had gotten a few close-up glimpses of them, and they indeed seemed friendly. Although doubting they could speak his language, he was confident that he would make do. Traveling dozen of times across Europe and Asia had given him a knack for communicating.
Deciding on the second option, he laid down his backpack near an easily identified oak. The approach could be dangerous, but if the ponies attacked him, he was reasonably confident he could fend them off somehow. From what he could measure at a distance their heads would just have reached up to his waist.
While he strolled across the grass, he thought of what he would leave behind if something happened to him here. It had been ten years since he and his wife both decided to separate under friendly circumstances, and their two kids now lived their own lives in different countries. People would miss him, but his life had been a long and fulfilling. Two more years from now he would be sixty years old, and in recent months he had longed to leave a legacy behind.
When he was halfway through the grassy field, he heard an outcry from the town, followed by a ringing bell. That was not a good sign, but he walked on. This would be his legacy.
The town lacked a wall, so he just walked in between the buildings. The ponies all fled as soon as they spotted him, most running into the nearest building while others galloped away in the opposite direction. Not the best first impression, but at least they didn't attack him.
Knocking on someone's door would most likely only increase the panic, so he continued exploring the town while searching for a government building, or a pony that wouldn't run away at first sight. By the time he reached the town square, the streets were almost devoid of ponies.
It seemed like any regular marketplace, although hastily abandoned, and that's where he found four ponies decked out in golden armor. Two were what he thought of as regular ponies, and one was a unicorn. They were no surprise as he had seen those before on the road. However, the fourth one was something new. It had wings! They hadn't noticed his presence yet, so he walked towards them with deliberate steps.
The pony with wings reminded him of a smaller and cuter version of the TriStar Pictures logo and was the one that noticed him first when one of its ears moved around to his location. He stopped when the ponies all turned to face him, and with shocked expressions, they stood there gaping at him. It was uncomfortable, but the fact he could read their facial expressions was promising.
“Greetings,” he said.
One of the regular ponies whinnied something back. It didn't quite sound like a horse, but almost. This was in fact very bad since he doubted his vocal cords could mimic the sounds the pony just made. There was also a significant fault in his backup plan to rely on charades and body language since while every human knew what shrugging your shoulders meant he doubted the ponies had anything equivalent. That would only leave communication via the written word. He just hoped it would be easier than trying to learn reading in Japanese because that had been a nightmare.
They just continued staring at each other, as no one knew what to do next. When the ponies started to argue among themselves, he took his time studying them. They had no visible weapons, which was weird because they wore armor. Although, even if they were armed he doubted he could have taken them seriously; they merely looked too adorable to be considered a threat. The guards in front of him had sterner expressions than the civilians, but they still looked like puppies trying to act all mean and tough.
He wondered what would happen if his daughter was here and still twelve years old. She would probably have assaulted them with hugs and kisses until they gave her a pony ride. The thought brought a smile to his face, which drew the attention of the arguing ponies. It seemed like they had concluded their discussion, and he hoped they planned to take him to their leader.
The unicorn took a step forward and lowered its horn in his direction. As soon as a blue glow formed on the horn, the unicorn started to scream at the top of his lungs, while his entire body convulsed. This went on for several seconds, while both ponies and human were too shocked to do anything. When it stopped, the unicorn was barely standing and panting with wide open eyes.
One of the regular ponies neighed something that he assumed was an order, and the pegasus took off into the air. The speed of the pegasus baffled him. The unicorn coughed and was trying hard to keep its balance. The instinct to help made him take a step forward and stretch out his arm, which put the two regular ponies on alert as one moved to block him, while the other helped steady the unicorn. The one in front whinnied angrily at him, and the message was clear: Stay back.
The distance to the closest pony was now only two meters, and he noticed that it was a mare and not a stallion as he first thought. She was putting her weight on her back legs and held her head down low. It looked silly, and he wondered if it was some weird pony fighting stance. The only thing missing would be if she growled like a dog. If she actually pounced on him, he would need to either dodge to the side or simply kick her, though the latter wasn’t ideal in rubber boots.
Luckily, it didn't come to that, as the group of ponies backed away from him. They went slowly, as the unicorn had trouble moving, even with the help of the regular pony.
Deciding that the best course of actions was to just wait, he sat down on some stone stairs that led to what looked like a library, which gave him a good view of the entire square. The three guard ponies had stopped at the opposite side of the square, where the mare now sat on her haunches and watched him intensively, while the other regular pony gave the unicorn something to drink. He was glad that the unicorn seemed better, although he still had no idea why it got some kind of seizure earlier.
There were occasionally ponies in the houses that peered out of their windows, and a few brave ones tried to go outside the door, but the guard mare loudly whinnied at them, and they quickly hurried back inside.
His smartwatch showed it to be late evening, even though the sun indicated it to be noontime, and he noticed how his hand trembled slightly, which indicated to him that his body was more stressed by the situation than he had realized. He decided that he would try to remain calm and collected no matter what strange things might happen. He was no stranger to culture shock, even meeting an undiscovered pony civilization so far paled in comparison to visiting India.
As time went, he got hungry and wondered if it would okay to take an apple from one of the abandoned carts, or if the theft would leave a wrong impression. There still was a couple of power bars in his jacket, but before he could decide, he noticed a flock of pegasi in the air flying in his direction. There were six of them, and all probably guards judging by the light reflecting off their armor. They were still a couple of minutes away, and he tried to remain calm, but when they got closer he could see that they carried something in between them; a giant net.
The situation was dire, as he had no intentions of meeting with the ponies while bound up or caged, even if he knew that had been a possibility from the start. Running back to the forest wouldn't work now, as he would defenseless against a net on an open field. He needed to be somewhere with a roof so that they couldn’t drop that thing on him from above.
Forcing his way into someone's house would probably end in disaster, so he stood up and jogged to the one building he had seen that would work; a gazebo in one of the nearby parks. The building had a roof and walls with only one entrance and was empty except for a lone bench in the center. While he would be trapped in there, it would also help keep the guards off him, at least until someone more diplomatic and communicative showed up.
Upon reaching the inside the gazebo in the small park, he realized that the regular mare had followed him, and now stood guarding the entrance at a respectable distance. The six pegasi landed next to her shortly after, and one pegasus wearing purple instead of golden armor started to converse with her. The now seven ponies surrounded the exit in a half-circle, and the waiting game began once more. Thinking that things couldn't get much worse, he noticed how short, small, and overly unusable the bench was to him.
Another hour passed as he ate one of his power bars, and cursed when remembering that he had left his water bottle in his backpack. To make matters worse one of his legs was now visibly shaking, and the ponies outside could see that he was getting stressed out, which in turn increased their tension as they had apparent problems standing still, and the pegasus wings would twitch now and then.
Any attempts to communicate with the ponies outside failed, as he had tried to wave at the normal mare, which he had named Cindy, but she didn’t respond to any of his gestures. The pegasus stallion in purple armor, who was obviously in charge, also didn't show any signs of understanding, so he named him Grumpy.
There was also the problem that he badly needed to pee. Deciding that it was best to get it over with, he stepped outside, which instantly put all the ponies on alert, with two of the pegasus flying to grab the net. They all paused, however, when he turned his back on them and stood facing one of the tall bushes surrounding the gazebo. The pony he named Cindy circled him to see what he was up to, but soon regretted it when he pulled down his zipper and relieved himself.
Once he was back inside again, he felt relieved that the debacle was over, and he had learned that female ponies could blush through the fur. However, there remained the problem that he couldn't wash his hand, so he hoped he didn't need to shake the hoof of any high officials.
Just when he thought this world couldn't get sillier, two chariots dropped down from the sky and landed in the park. They were each drawn by two harnessed pegasi, while both wagons carried two additional ponies. One contained two golden armored unicorns, while the other carried a unicorn that looked like a parody of a college professor, and lastly was a naked mare with both a horn and wings.
He named the professor Max and the mare Telly, although the latter was a bit mean, since Telly had been the name of a stripper he’d known, but it did seem to fit because the purple mare was the only one present that lacked clothing.
Telly seemed to be in charge, as the ponies bowed to her when she approached. They exchanged looks, and she smiled at him while waving her hoof frantically. He smiled and waved back, happy that things had taken a turn for the better. Telly wanted to enter the gazebo but was stopped by the two new unicorns. They were apparently her bodyguards.
The ponies who had drawn the chariot took off, so what remained was one human and now eleven ponies. Telly and Max talked with all the guards, while occasionally glancing his way. Checking his smartwatch, he noted that he would typically have prepared to go to bed at this hour, even if the sun was still high up in this world.
Looking up, he found Telly staring intently at his watch from the outside. He humored her and turned the screen on and off while she gaped. The unicorns guard now had trouble keeping her away from the gazebo, as she tried to press past them while looking longingly at his watch. This was the time to show that he was here in good faith, so he removed the watch from his wrist, walked to the edge of the entrance, put it down on the steps, then gestured to Telly that she could have it. When he stepped back, there was an argument between her and the guards, and it ended with one of the unicorn's aiming its horn at his watch.
The unicorn's horn and his watch glowed green for a second, and then the unicorn had a similar reaction to the first one he had met. It convulsed and screamed as if something was electrifying it, but unlike the first, this one was engulfed in green flame. When the fire subsided, there was a strange, and shaking black pony. He had no idea what the deal was with the unicorns in this place, as this one seemed to have turned into some fanged leper pony. The pony was trying to recover when it got tackled and detained by the pegasi guards.
Telly walked up to the leper and gave it a disapproving glare that was followed up with some harsh whinnying. The leper pony was allowed to sit on its haunches and mostly looked ashamed as its weird tail, wings, and ears sagged.
He had little time to try and puzzle out what had just happened, as one of the pegasi in the group suddenly also burst into green flame. The new leper pony immediately pushed the pegasus it was standing next to into a nearby bush. Its horn then glowed green, and suddenly Grumpy was levitated into the air and thrown right into the gazebo.
With little time to think, he caught the pegasus mid-air, and now he held a panicked pony back first in a hug. Grumpy whinnied and flaid with all its legs and wings in the air. He thought about letting him go, but reconsidered, since he didn't want to get bucked after doing so. He could still see what happened outside since Grumpy wasn't big enough to block his entire vision.
The newest leper pony charged Telly and the first leper but was blocked by the remaining unicorn guard as it conjured a force field around the three ponies. The leper pony outside the field growled at it, then flew straight up. Two of the pegasus guards chased after it, and he soon lost sight of them when they flew over a building.
The only pegasus that remained standing went inside to try and help Grumpy, only to get kicked in the head by a flailing forehoof. The pegasus promptly fell to the ground and laid there coughing. He continued his wrestling match with Grumpy until he got tired of getting feathers in his face, so he took a deep breath and shouted at the top of his lunges into Grumpy's ear.
“Will you please calm down!” he said.
It worked better than expected, as Grumpy was so surprised he froze up completely. Allowing him to put the pony down, and the pegasus promptly fell on its rump, with a face that was a mixture of confusion and terror. The pony that got kicked in the head seemed to be okay, as it tried hard to stand up on all fours.
The ponies remaining now outside was Cindy, standing next to Telly, the unicorn guard who now sat on the first leper pony, and lastly Max who tried to help a pegasus disentangle himself from some bushes. This was his best chance to escape, and he took it.
Because this crazy place had finally pushed him over the edge, and he had no intention of staying here another minute. Maybe he would return in a day or two, but for now, he was done. The only thing he wanted was to be at home and in bed, and anyone that tried to stop him would regret it.
Lucky the ponies left standing were too disorganized to stop him, as he simply walked passed them and headed back the way he had first entered the town, with only Cindy and Telly following closely behind him. Telly trotted up beside him as soon as he was outside the village. She looked up at him and neighed something, and judging by her facial expressions she was pleading him not to leave.
He answered by picking up the pace, and by the time they got to the edge of the forest, Telly was out of breath, while Cindy seemed fine even though she trotted in armor. Ignoring both, he retrieved his backpack, while the ponies stood next to each other silently watching him.
Not wanting to be followed, he stretched out his arm at them and showed his palm. Hoping that they would understand the stop signal, he then turned his back on them and headed into the forest. After walking for fifteen minutes he checked to see if he was followed, but luckily found no trace of the ponies.
Eventually, the compass led him back to the cave, and he took one last glance to see if any ponies had followed him, but once again the ground and sky were empty. He hoped the cave was some tunnel between worlds, like the closet in the Narnia stories.
Inside the cave, he followed the singular path until he finally came to the other end. Once outside, he hoped to see pinewood trees again, but all he found was more beech. He turned and walked through the cave again, yet nothing changed. One more attempt, then he slumped down on the forest floor. The cave wasn't a doorway to another world, which caused the thought that he might be stuck in this place to creep into his mind. He went to check his watch but was met with the realization that he had left it back in pony-town. Only one word seemed appropriate to him for the situation.
“Bollocks.”
