The God Squad: Equestria's Mightiest Immortals

by defender2222

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure, Shining Armor, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 24873

Season 3 of The God Squad finds our 'heroes' working to save the world from threats too crazy for the Mane 6 to battle. Join Celestia, Luna, Discord, Cadence, Shining, Chryalis, Sunset, and Tydal on their epic adventure!

Season 3 of The God Squad!

Realizing that there are threats to the world that not even 6 mares who tend to have more tea parties than magical adventures can handle, Princess Celestia has created a task force of the most powerful and insane beings in Equestria to protect the world. Now, Celestia, Luna, Cadence, Shining, Tydal, Chrysalis, Discord, and Sunset Shimmer will travel the global, the universe, and even time itself to right wrongs, deal with the corrupt, and probably break just as many things as they fix.

From the strange marriage practices of Saddle Arabia to drinking contests with the Yaks, from hunting rogue changelings to find the plans for Flim and Flam's new Death Star, the ponies of Equestria can... well, not rest easy but at least lie in their beds trembling... knowing THE GOD SQUAD is out saving the world.

We hope.

The spinoff from the much more popular 'The Many Secret Origins of Scootaloo' and the fic that is TOTALLY not the reason the Faith and Doubt sequel keeps getting pushed back, THE GOD SQUAD: EQUESTRIA'S MIGHTIEST IMMORTALS continues the insane humor and outrageous adventures of everyone's favorite group of insane deities.

Published 2016-09-19 15:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-09-04 00:05:59 UTC

The Search for Tydal

The audience slowly got to their seats, murmuring to themselves as they looked up at the stage. They clutched their programs and, with baited breath, waited for the show to finally begin.

And then the curtain rose, revealing a darkened stage, the shadowy forms of scenery that resembled Ponyville just barely visible. But rather than the players of this little perform the author himself stepped out, dressed in a purple suit jacket, tan pants, and a brown top hat. He smiled and leaned on the cane he was using to walk across the stage, looking out at the audience that had come to view his work.

“We are the music makers,” he says with quiet passion. “And we are the dreamers of dreams. What we create… we do so in the hope that it instills emotions in others. Sometimes… they are smiles and laughter and cheers. Other times they are quite the opposite, bringing tears and sorrow. But they let us feel… and to feel is to be alive. And thus… my dear audience… welcome once more.” He tossed his cane off stage. “Now then… hold your breath… make a wish… count to three.”

The Author
Come with me and you'll be
In a world of pure imagination
Take a look and you'll see
Into your imagination

(The crowd murmurs as they hear the sounds of normal life begin to come from the stage village, ponies of a long-gone age moving about their lives as the Author continues)

We'll begin with a spin
Traveling in the world
Of my creation
What we'll see
Will defy explanation

(The Author smiles and holds out his arms, the stage lighting up to reveal a rustic medieval pony village, extras slowly moving onto stage.)

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanna change the world?
There's nothing to it

(As he sings he snaps his fingers and a white light shines in the center of the stage, growing brighter and brighter, and we see a figure begin to appear in the glow. The audience begins to cheer as they realize just who is appearing)

There is no life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there, you'll be free
If you truly wish to be

(The light fades and the Author moves to the side so that center stage can now be held by the new arrival…)

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanna change the world?
There's nothing to it

(…and a battered and injured Tydal, still weak and weary from his battle with Tirek, looks about the rustic village in surprise before letting out a soft sigh and wandering off stage)

There is no life I know
To compare with
Pure imagination
Living there, you'll be free
If you truly wish to be

“Ladies and Gentlemen,” the Author said with a bow, “welcome… to Season 3.”

The God Squad: Equestria’s Mightiest Immortals
Episode 1: The Search For Tydal

“I really must protest!” the Doctor complained as he watched ponies, draconequus, dragons, and changelings stream in and out of the TARDIS. Derpy, Dinky, Sparkler (who was on break from college), and Mary Sue all watched the chaos as the large group brought in their luggage and equipment. “The TARDIS wasn’t designed to house so many beings!”

The TARDIS’ cloister bell went off.

“Oh, what do you know?” the Doctor complained, not liking that his lovely blue box was disagreeing with him.

“Then why do you have enough guest rooms for Rarity’s luggage to each have its own room?” Rainbow Dash asked as she flew with a modified version of the armor she’d gotten Rarity to make her for the Grand Galloping Gala being dragged behind her on a cloud. “Besides, it’s not a ton of ponies!”

“Dang right!” Applejack says as she pulls a wagon full of different farm tools… that could easily be turned into weapons if need be… into the TARDIS. She could have asked Big Mac to help her bring her gear but she has tasked him with watching Applebloom to ensure her little sister doesn’t try and join them in the mission. Princess Celestia even sent a letter to the CMC members, telling them they were required to stay behind and ‘guard this time and era while we are gone’. Still, Applejack decided to play it safe. “Just us six, Spike, the Princesses, Twi’s brother, that orange mare Twilight says is a friend, and Discord. Plus your family. Ain’t that many… we done gotten ten times as many shoved away at the ol’ homestead during family reunions and had less bedrooms than ya’ll have.”

“Be that as it may,” the Doctor began only to let out an almost girlish squeal when he saw Pinkie Pie pushing in heavy artillery. “NO! We do not bring weapons into the TARDIS!”

The baker blinked in confusion. “What? Oh no! This is just my party cannon for when we find Lord Tydal!” She darted forward, pressing her face to the Doctor’s, the stallion gulping nervously at the intense look in her eye. “You aren’t suggesting we DON’T have a party when we finally find him, are you?” The Doctor tried to say something but Pinkie merely asked, “ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU?!?”

“N-no,” the Doctor said meekly.

“Good!” Pinkie said with a grin. She turned and motioned for Fluttershy to come in, the pegasus pulling a second cannon. “THIS is the cannon-cannon.”

“I JUST SAID-“ the Doctor whined only for Mary Sue to just come over and pat him on the back. “They are-“

“They are preparing for a war,” Mary Sue said with a shrug. “As well they should. We have no idea what we are going to come up against.”

“How can you say that, darling?” Rarity asks as she enters the ship with the last of her luggage. “We are headed to such a glorious time! A time of dashing knights and beautiful dresses! Of nobles and beauties and fair maidens! I simply don’t understand why you are all bringing such tacky things as weapons when you should be bringing dresses.”

“Because this isn’t a fairy tale?” Sunset asked dryly from where she sat, polishing a sword from the Capricorn armory. Merida had tasked her, and her alone, to ensure the King of the Capricorns returned home and she wasn’t going to let her adopted grandmother down.

Celestia, who at that moment walked into the TARDIS with Luna, nodded in agreement. But rather than state her agreement she decides to use a tactic she has used many times with many students. “Doctor, you have traveled often into our past, have you not?”

“He has!” Dinky said with an excited grin. “Remember when you and I had that picnic? We had soooo much cake!”

Celestia pauses at that, dimly remembering that yes, yes she did remember having a picnic with a strange unicorn pony filly who taught her the joy of baked goods. She didn’t let her surprise show though and merely smiled at Dinky, who grinned back, before focusing on the Doctor. “And in that time have the tales and songs of the Golden Ages ever been proven true?” The Doctor had the decency to look away before he shook his head.

Luna, seeing Rarity getting ready to argue, took mercy on her and interrupted before she could say something… silly. “History tends to pull away all the subtlety and leave merely the extreme. The greatest of good and the greatest of bad. The times known for being horrid and backwards… had good moments. Discord’s Reign lasted only a week and we lost Tydal for the… the first time…” Luna took a deep breath, “but now historians see the 50 years around that time as being horrid and dark and traumatic, not knowing there was joy and happiness. The wild times, the times of war and strife… there was also love and hope and joy. Just like the good times, the Golden Times… were filled with strife and pain. The tales you grew up with are just that… tales. They are not the past that my sister and I lived through.”

“We have a basic idea of what we are about to encounter but we can’t take any risks,” Celestia said firmly. “We must be prepared for anything until we have Tydal safely back in the TARDIS and we are all heading home.”

Cadence, who chose that moment to happily bounce into the TARDIS, her horn glowing as she brought in what looked suspiciously like a dominatrix outfit and a sex swing, looked at the gathered group and pursed her lips. “That’s something that has been confusing me for the last day or so. Tydal is still immortal, right?”

“Yes…” Celestia said in confusion.

“Then why do we need to go anywhere?” Cadence asked, turning to address the rest of the group as they began to pile in. “I mean, he can just go sit in a cave, wait a thousand years or so, and then walk out and come meet us! He could be waiting for us right now! Why go to the past when he can just come to us?”

Discord shook his head. “How old are you, little sister?”

Cadence tilted her head but before she could answer Rarity huffed, “A true lady never reveals her age-“

“I’m 1,937 years old,” Celestia said with a smirk, watching as Rarity’s jaw fell and her body began to twitch. “Luna is two years younger than me, so that should tell you her age. Cadence?”

“Uh… 30,” Cadence said. She knew that her family was long lived but it even took her by surprise to hear how old Celestia was. They never really talked about it.

Discord, as if sensing what most of those gathered were thinking (save for Celestia, Luna, the Doctor, and oddly Derpy), cleared his throat and gestured at himself. “As old as the universe itself. Fuzzy, Zeena, and Tydal are all about 100 years younger than myself and each other, progressively.”

“See?” Cadence exclaimed. “You guys are so old it shouldn’t matter! Tydal has been around for… forever! What’s another thousand years? He can just wait in a basement and then pop up!”

“Except it does,” Luna said solemnly. “You think that immortality means we don’t feel the years but it the exact opposite. Mortals… you truly don’t feel time. It moves so quick for you, days becoming weeks and months. That is because you have so little of it that you cling to it and try to pack so much into so few seconds. The same is true for us, for a time… only as the years stretch on you find that things begin to slow and soon you feel every tick of the clock as if it were etching each passing moment into your bones.” She looked at Mary Sue, Twilight, Shining, and Cadence… the youngest of the immortals gathered before her, and smiled sadly. “We’re farther ahead on the road than you.”

Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. “So… that is a no for Tydal waiting in a cave?”

“Would you like doing that?” Celestia asked.

“Uh… no, not really no,” Rainbow admitted. “Probably go mad.”

Everyone slowly turned to look at Discord.

“What?” the draconequus asked.

“Did you…?” Applejack said slowly.

“What… wait, you think I tried sitting in a cave and that drove me mad?” Discord pouted. “I didn’t do that! God… of… chaos! Who ever heard of a sane chaos god?!?” He let out a huff. “Fluttershy, they are picking on me!”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Even if Tydal could sit in a cave and wait for us we wouldn’t want him to. I want back MY Tydal… not one with another thousand years tacked on.”

“Besides,” Chrysalis said dryly, already wishing she could go pick out her room and get settled in, “do you honestly believe Tydal could just sit around doing nothing?”

“He said he was living quietly and peacefully,” Fluttershy pointed out.

Spike huffed, dragging in his stuff, the last to arrive. “It’s Tydal… screams and blood are quiet and peaceful for him.”

“Why do you have a saxophone?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“You never know when you might need some epic sax.”

Cadence grinned and nodded. When the others looked at her in annoyance she frowned right back. “Sax… as in the instrument. I love a good jazz number. Perverts.”

Twilight gulped. “By the Maker… he’s in the past and bored.”

“That is a terrifying thought,” The Doctor said.

“The most terrifying!” Twilight exclaimed, her mind suddenly going to what a slightly mentally unhinged immortal Capricorn could do if in the past and bored. “He could be altering history as we speak! Just imagine…”

~MC~MC~MC~MC~

“We must burn ye for being tainted by sin!” the pilgrim earth pony preacher declared, his partner holding a torch in his mouth, a jeering mob just behind him. In front of them was a unicorn female who was not quite young enough to be a filly but not old enough to be a mare, the frightened pony thrashing as she tried to free herself from the log she’d been tied to. Surrounding her hooves was kindling just waiting to go up in flames… and take her along with it. “Let the fire cleanse her of her wicked ways-“

“Oh, by the tide!” the pilgrims that were burning the unicorn all turned in time to get doused by a wall of water. They sputtered for air only for the leader of the mob to gasp when the massive goat-fish used his magic to grab him by the throat and shake him a little. “Ignoring you harming innocent teenagers because of your backwards ways… you think THAT is how you torture and hurt someone?”

“Who… who are you?” the mob leader gasped.

“I’m Tydal… I’m the one that hates seeing little ones-“

“Im not little, I’m 15!” the mare complained. She blinked. “Uh… I mean ‘I’ms so young pwease saves me!’.”

“-and now I will show you how you brutalize someone you hate!” letting out a roar, Tydal dove at the mob, the tied up unicorn watching in shock and horror as geysers of blood shot up from the necks of her attackers. “DON’T RUN! DON’T RUN!” Tydal laughed manically as he became a whirlwind of death. “OH WHAT A DAY!” he bellowed in delight over the dying cries of his victims. “WHAT A LOVELY DAY!” Tydal leapt in the air, drenched in blood, his tail flicking out as he gutted another pilgrim. “I feel a song coming on!”

Tydal (grabbing a pony and strumming his guts like they were guitar strings, dancing among the bodies)

Deep down Poniana close to New Ponees
Way back up in the woods among the evergreens
There stood a log cabin made of earth and wood
Where I brutally beat a bitch named Johnny B. Goode
He pissed me off and you know that don’t end well
So I hacked into pieces and sent him straight to hell

Die die!
Die Johnny die
Die
Die Johnny die
Die
Die Johnny die
Die
Die Johnny die
Die
Johnny Be Dead!

Hiding in one of the cabins was another unicorn who had managed to hide his horn under a fancy hat. Grabbing a magical message orb, he quickly activated it and said, “Jack! Jack! It’s Bob! Your cousin… Bob the Ripper! You know that new way of murdering ponies you were lookin’ for? Well listen to this!”

Die die!
Die Johnny die
Die
Die Johnny die
Die
Die Johnny die
Die
Die Johnny die
Die
Johnny Be Dead!

~MC~MC~MC~

“It’s worse than that!” Shining said, eyes wild with fear.

“Worse than him inspiring a serial killer?” Chrysalis asked dryly.

“Yes! This is his chance to screw with me!”

~MC~MC~MC~

“I just can’t believe Night Light was crushed by a falling crate of butter!” Twilight Velvet sobbed. “I can’t be a single mother! I have a colt and a foal to raise.”

Tydal hugged her as the mare cried. “There there… I’ll be here for you”

“I… I just don’t know what to do! I’ll never find love again!”

“Who says you haven’t found it already?” he asked tenderly. Velvet sniffed and then hugged him back, rubbing her face against his coat. Tydal looked over Velvet’s shoulder and flashed an evil grin at a young Shining and Twilight. “Say hello to daddy…” he whispered before curling his tongue behind his teeth and giving Velvet’s flank a light slap, the mare cooing in delight…

~MC~MC~MC~

“…AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Twilight and Shining both screamed. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!”

“Considering he did raise us should we be offended?” Luna asked.

“Maybe?” Celestia said with a shrug.

“Would he really do that?” Fluttershy asked Discord.

“Oh no no no,” Discord said with a wave of his hand. “Ignoring that he loves only his wife… Velvet would never survive the foreplay. Mortals and gods rarely can mix under the sheets and someone Tydal’s age? Nope, she’d be turned to butter.”

“Eeep!”

Cadence bobbed her head. “Why do you think it took Shining so long to contact you all after the wedding?” The pink mare smiled fondly. “He couldn’t stop smiling even as the paramedics loaded him into the ambulance.”

“If you are all done I’d like to get this all straighten up so I can kick you out!” the Doctor whined, shutting the TARDIS’ doors and running over to the control panel. “Alright then… next stop, 595! Allons-y!”

~One time travel trip later…~

And so it was that the TARDIS, with a familiar grinding groan, appeared in the year June 19, 595 AD. And as our heroes emerged in this long lost era, this time of myth and legend, they did not know what they would find but hoped, with all their hearts, that they would return victorious. For victory could only be achieved by finding Lord Tydal, the great God of the Sea, and returning him-

“How the hell are you here?!?” Luna complained as she emerged from the TARDIS and waved her forelegs at the pony standing off to the side. He was wearing a puffy shirt with big sleeves, a pillowy hat with a huge feather, and stood with his head held high.

“How is who… buck,” Shining said, staring at who was waiting for them.

“Ya know this fancy fella?” Applejack asked.

Luna nodded. “He’s Plotdump.”

“No, good lady!” the pony called out to Shining as the rest of the rescue team piled out of the TARDIS. “I am his ancestor, Exposition the Narrator!”

“How do you even… I don’t care,” Shining sighed. “Permission granted.”

Everypony just stood there.

“…I miss Tydal,” Shining said sadly.

Discord patted Shining on the back. “Would it make you feel better if we all pretended to be him?”

“Yeah,” Shining said with a sniff. “I think I’d like that.”

Discord nodded and pulled a hat from thin air… and then pulled out a second hat from that hat, though this one had slips of paper in it. “Alright, everyone take a number. Whoever has #1 pretends to be Tydal first and then we rotate.”

“Oh my,” Rarity said once they’d all draw, seeing she was a winner. “I suppose if I must-“

“You must,” Celestia said dryly. “I decree it both to ease the pain and because I need a laugh.”

“Very well.” Rarity cleared her throat even as Discord attached a blade to her tail. “I say… I am the Goddess of War and with my elegant and rather slimming fantail blade I shall… uh… blut you?”

“Gut you!” Chrysalis called out helpfully.

“Right, right! And then I will adopt Sweetie Belle and feed her disgustingly sugary snacks and bacon! Have at thee!”

“But just when it looked like the dashing narrator would be killed the cast realized doing so would alter the future!” Exposition stated.

“…buck buck buck!” Luna cursed to the sky in frustration.

“Let’s just… leave now,” Twilight said with a weak smile, pushing the Princess of the Moon away from Exposition the Narrator.

“Will the cast find Tydal? Will they make it through the past without changing anything, find out next-OW!” Exposition rubbed his head, glaring at Chrysalis who’d thrown a shoe at him.

Let's Do the Time Warp Again

“Oh apple butter, not you two scam runners!” Granny Smith complained, glaring at Flim and Flam from her rocking chair on the porch of Sweet Apple Acres. “Ain’t ya’ll learned your lesson from the last time ya showed up and tried to take our farm?”

“Did we learn a lesson, Flim?”

“I suppose that when you are winning you shouldn’t go for the kill and just settle for a victory!” the two ponies grinned. “Other than that, we didn’t learn anything. We were right all along.”

“That’s an ironic echo,” Wall Breaker said as he left the house, Big Macintosh a few steps behind him. “I like a hallway with an echo. Anyway, thanks for the Royal Guard’s supply of cider!”

“…that is the strangest pony I’ve ever seen, brother, and we break into song all the time,” Flam stated before turning back to the Apples. “And this time our scheme is foolproof!”

“Indeed, brothe!” Flim said. “We are going to-“

“Sell the patent rights to your amazing machines and retire?” Apple Bloom said, trotting over. “That’s what I’d do.”

“…say what now?” Flim and Flam said.

“Sell the patent rights,” Apple Bloom stated. “You built an amazing cider making machine. You said it yourself that the only reason you lost is you paniced and tried to go for the big win. But if you’d just kept the testing process going for the apples you’d have won. You made that… all by yourselves.”

“Well… yes, we did make that,” Flim said.

“The tough part was the basic AI programming…”

“And you also made it eco friendly. That was a car that basically ran on water and puffed out steam as a byproduct,” Apple Bloom said with a shrug. “Me? I’d sell the rights to Filthy Rich. Get some bits, of course, but also stock options.”

“Stock… options?” Flam said dumbly.

“Of course! That’s where the real money is. All bits and you blow it in a week. But you get stock options and that is how you keep the money rolling in.” Apple Bloom ran her tongue along the inside of her cheek. “I mean, you must have other ideas for inventions you could make.”

Flam frowned. “Well, we were working up a scheme to race the fastest marathon runner in Equestria. While he would travel on hoof we would fly in our new vehicle we call an ‘airplane’ and… oh.”

Apple Bloom nodded. “Yup… oh. Go over your last few schemes and cons for me… I’m curious.” Big Mac opened his mouth to question what was going on but Apple Bloom jumped up and closed it. “Shhhh, big ponies are talking.”

“Well, after your farm we tried to run a scam where we pretended to be pyshics. To do that we created a telecommunications device that would allow you to…” Flim grimaced. “Right… make money off that. But we could make money off of the magic box that would heat food… crabapples.”

“I believe we’ve been giant idiots, brother,” Flam said.

“Yeah,” Apple Bloom said. “See, you want to avoid real work… you know what isn’t real work? Selling a ton of patents and then sitting on your plots while you get money back from people who sell your designs.” She shrugged. “But what do I know… I’m just the silly blank flank.” With that she trotted away, leaving Flim and Flam to think over their life choices.

The God Squad: Equestria’s Mightiest Immortals
Episode 2: Let’s Do the Time Warp Again!

“Put your hooves on your hips!” Cadence sang as she trotted along the forest path.

“Please stop singing that,” the Doctor complained. “I banned that song and ‘The Power of Love’ because I am tired of hearing ponies sing it after they travel with me. If you must sing pick something I’d never expect to hear.”

“Rock Around the Clock?” Pinkie suggested.

“Heard it.”

“Time Keep’s Slippin’?” Rainbow Dash offered.

“Overplayed.”

“It’s Muffin Time! It’s Muffin Time!” Derpy sang, marching in place.

Dinky nodded and chimed in, “And now a cow pretending to be a man!”

“… okay, I didn’t expect that,” the Doctor admitted.

“Where’s the cow?” Fluttershy asked sadly, having gotten her hopes up only for them to be terribly squashed. Applejack also was disappointed but did a better job hiding it. Twilight chose not to mention that she was sure she’d met cows that were people in the High School World she’d visited.

“Alright, so we need a plan of attack when it comes to finding Tydal,” Shining said. “And I mean literal plan of attack… knowing him he’ll try to hit at least one of us with a stick… I vote Spike get that honor.”

“Yup.”

“Okay.”

“Southernism for agreement!”

“HEY!” Spike shouted.

“Just don’t bring up killing his dog and you’ll be fine,” Luna said.

“You killed a dog!” Fluttershy whimpered. “Spike, how could you?”

“It was King Sombra!”

“You killed King Sombra?” Cadence whimpered. “Spike, how could you?”

“Cadence… we hate him,” Twilight gently reminded her sister-in-law.

“We hate Tydal’s dog?” Rainbow Dash asked, scratching her head. “What did he do? Pee on the rug or something?”

“No, Sombra! He’s not a dog!” Shining snapped.

“Technically he is, thanks to the portal…” Celestia reminded him.

Rarity stared at the princesses in horror. “You mean that ruffian is back… and is a dog?”

“No,” Chrysalis said. “It’s another Sombra… from the world where Sunset was a human.”

Pinkie giggled. “Silly Chryssie-Wissie… sunsets are big glowing balls in the sky, not humans. Silly Chryssie-Wissie.”

“I am so confused right now,” Mary Sue, the black coat, red maned alicorn said, brow furrowed. “And I have coffee with Lyra every week.”

“So… Spike didn’t killed King Sombra?” Derpy asked. “Then why is there a statue of him in the Crystal Empire?”

“You make statues of ponies for killing doggies?!?” Fluttershy screamed.

Sunset sighed and took out a whistle, blowing on it as hard as she could. When everyone quieted down she said, “Enough! We need to get back on track! And I’m the mare that wanted to invade Equestria with teenagers… how I’m the sane one, I’ll never know.”

“Buck up,” Luna said, “who hasn’t had a dumb evil plan? Eternal night?”

“Piss off my family by spreading chaos?”

“Want-Me Spell causing everyone to fight over a doll?”

“Using the Moment to destroy Gallopfrey?”

“Impersonate Cadence?”

“Use the Seal of Orichalcos?” Fluttershy asked. “That was a horrible weekend.”

Spike nodded. “Kill Tydal’s dog… wait, I mean-!”

Celestia nodded. “We’ve all done horrible things… especially Discord,” the draconequus smiled weakly, “but we need to focus on saving the Capricorn who commanded his subjects to murder everypony in Canterlot a few months back and who enjoys castrating idiots.”

Applejack raised her hoof. “Wait, it’s bad to castrate things? Well dang-gum, if ya don’t learn something new every day! I owe some ponies an apology.”

“And Sunset is right… we need a gameplan.” Using her horn Celestia pulled a map from her saddle bag, along with several pairs of black glasses. “These will allow Luna, Cadence, and I to disguise ourselves. We need to appear to be normal ponies.” She looked at Discord and Chrysalis. “As for you two…”

“Fine,” Chrysalis said with a sigh, using her green flames to transform into a black pegasus pony with blue hair. Discord, for his part, snapped his fingers and turned into a brown unicorn with a snaggletooth. “Ugh, so drab,” he complained, looking himself over.

“Oh,” Rarity said, staring at Discord with half lidded eyes. “You look rather… dashing… as a pony.”

“…say what now?” Discord said as Rarity licked her lips.

“Now then,” Celestia said, enlarging the map with her magic so everyone could see it, “Tydal’s letter claimed her was living quietly and happily in this year. That means that he’s found something to occupy his time and thus keep himself from getting bored.”

“Because when father is bored he tends to kill boredom… among other things,” Luna said quietly.

“And there aren’t any screams at the moment so we’re good there,” the Doctor stated.

Celestia continued. “Now then, I suggest-“

“Hold on!” Pinkie declared. “It’s time to pick the next pony to act like Tydal! Who had the next longest stick?”

“Shining!” Cadence said, only for her husband to lean in and whisper in her ear. “Oh… OH! Nevermind.”

“Uh… I did,” Fluttershy said softly, scuffing her hoof. “Will it really make you guys feel better if… ummmm… I act like Tydal?”

“Yes,” Luna said with a smile.

Twilight patted Fluttershy on the back. “Just try your best.”

“Okay… well, here are 10 ways I can brutally torture you without killing you. Number 1-“

~12 Minutes Later…~

“...and the other hamburger will also be made of yours lungs.” Fluttershy looked at the pale group. “Did… did I do it right?”

“Y-yes,” Rainbow Dash stammered. “In fact you did it so well that you can NEVER do that again… ever.”

“Oh… okay,” Fluttershy said with a smile.

“I’m scared and kind of aroused right now,” the Doctor muttered.

“Me too,” Depry whispered with a naughty grin, her wings spread wide.

“Well…” Celestia said slowly, trying to get things back on track. “Well… the way I see it our best course of action would be to set up a base camp and then break off into teams of two to explore around or near Canterlot and what will become Ponyville.”

“Why not head to the ocean?” Rainbow Dash asked. “He’s a Capricorn, right? They love the water.”

“They do but he won’t go to the ocean,” Luna said.

“Why not?” Applejack asked.

“Would you want to live in your house if your family wasn’t there? Worse… they were in a stone sleep that you had the power to awaken them from but could not?”

Applejack swallowed, considering just how horrible that would be. “Right… gotcha.”

“But it is a smart thought that he may be near water,” Celestia said, her magic causing several nearby ponds and lakes to be marked. “We need to brainstorm several places he may be located and work from there. Water is one option… I think we should also add several locations that later became known as training grounds for warriors. Tydal might have been the one to create them.”

“He might want to keep an eye on you and Luna,” Shining wagered. “He couldn’t go to the castle but he could be nearby.”

“So the Everfree and the Castle of the Two Pony Sisters,” Chrysalis said.

“What about Canterlot?” Rarity asked. “He may not realize that you haven’t moved there yet.”

“Inside Canterlot itself… I doubt it, due to his hatred of the city, but possible. Anything else?”

“What about Ponyville itself?” Pinkie offered. “Or what will become Ponyville? Maybe he really likes it here and is staying nearby!”

“That is a possibility as well,” Celestia said, making a note of that.

“They said Starswirl is the one that delivered the letter,” Twilight said. “So unless he’s a ghost that could have been an illusion Tydal created. He could be in Starswirl’s tower… at this point in time no one would occupy it.”

“Well thought, Twilight,” Celestia said.

“He was hurt,” Chrysalis said, hating that she had to bring down the mood, “and Tydal lies. He lies… to protect us. To make us not grieve. He might have said he was living happily and peacefully… but he could be gravely hurt, his magic gone…” the others stared at her and she sighed, “we need to check the homes of local healers, see if he is hiding there.”

“…yes,” Celestia said, hating she had to agree. She knew her father… and the stubborn goat, believing it might give them peace, would lie about his wounds and claim he was ‘happy’ if need be.

She tried very hard not to think of how a long lasting mortal wound would explain him not appearing in the present day.

“So we have plenty of places to look,” Luna said, most of the others nodding their heads though Sunset merely chewed on the inside of her cheek in thought, “and now we need to figure out how to divide up the duties.”

“The Doctor, Derpy, Dinky, and Mary Sue should remain at the TARDIS, in case we need them for backup. They’re also the only ones that can operate it and I’d rather not be trapped in the past,” Twilight said.

The Doctor nodded. “Very good. If each group has an immortal in it then we should be able to track your unique magical signatures and be able to observe and, if needed, communicate with these.” He passed them all a piece of future tech, IE a wireless headset, which they all placed in their ears. “Now the TARDIS will also translate much of is said by the ponies of this time so you won’t need to resort to changing your speech patterns-“

“Hear ye, hear ye! There be no reason a bard might spoketh like thisly?” Pinkie asked.

“…so just talk normal.”

Mary Sue tilted her head, doing some mental math. “So basically every one of Twilight’s friends can team up with a member of the Squad; that will give us a good balance.” The Goddess of Fan Fictions and Entertainment began to pace. “And in the name of balance and entertainment the pairings should be unexpected.”

“Entertainment?” Spike asked.

“Yes. It needs to funny so this story keeps getting reviews. And unusual pairings will give more fodder for ShadowLDrago when he does his recap reviews.”

“…what?” Shining said.

Pinkie poked at what seemed to be thin air. “The fourth wall is holding so I say go for it!”

Mary just waved him off. “Now, let’s see… let’s see… I’m thinking Celestia and Rainbow Dash.”

“Really?” Dash whined, hating the idea that she was stuck with the most noble and thus boring of the gods. Celestia raised an eyebrow at this and Rainbow chuckled weakly. “I mean really? That’s so… awesome.”

“Hmmm.”

“As for Discord… well, I would say Fluttershy but they have tea all the time so-“

“I’ll go with him!” Rarity exclaimed, giving the transformed chaos god bedroom eyes. “He and I would make a VERY interesting pairing.”

“…what?”

Mary grinned. “Yes, that will work. Twilight, why don’t you go with Luna?”

“Because that will be an interesting pairing?”

“Because you haven’t had a chance to have some Daughter/Mother time with her.”

Twilight frowned. “She isn’t my mom.”

“Oh, break ya mother’s heart,” Luna said, adopting a variation of a Manehattan accent. “Ya know Edna Goldman’s daughter is a doc-tor… but if ya wanna break ya mother’s heart…”

“Fine!” Twilight exclaimed with a huff.

“Now that we have that settled, I’m thinking Fluttershy should go with Chrysalis. She has Discord on a short leash she might do the same for Chrysalis.”

“Hey!” Discord complained. “No pony… and I mean NO PONY… has me on a short leash!”

“Inside voice,” Fluttershy said sweetly.

“…sorry.”

Rarity licked her lips. “Don’t worry… if you want I can wear a collar and leash.”

“…what?”

“Now I am scared and aroused,” Cadence said.

“Aren’t you always that way?” Pinkie asked.

“Oh yeah.”

“Oooo! I call Cadence!” Pinkie giggled.

Mary shrugged. “Works for me.”

Pinkie did a happy dance. “We can have a party!”

“Yes! With balloons!”

“Yes! And cupcakes!”

“Yes! And double ended dil-“

“CADENCE!” the rest of the Squad shouted.

“And on that note…” Mary said dryly, “I think Applejack and Shining should be together.”

Everyone just kinda shuffled around.

“Nothing?” Mary said.

“After Princess Cadence’s comment I think we’re all good with that final pairing,” Rainbow said.

“So, what about me?” Sunset asked.

“You can be with me,” Spike said.

“…so I’m on my own or-?” Sunset smirked when Spike opened his mouth to protest. “Kidding. I’ll take the dragon.”

“Good,” Mary said with a grin. “Now then, while we should really move out and begin the search, I think the rule of story telling demands we end here and wait till next chapter, where you guys will already be in the middle of your searches.”

“…somewhere Wall Breaker is scared and aroused and he doesn’t know why,” Shining snarked.

How Celestia Got Her Groove Back

“So Mayor, I have a question.”

“Yes, Bon Bon?” the Mayor said, looking over the form she’d gotten; it was a proposal submitted by someone claiming to be Filthy Rich asking that all Blank Flanks be banned from fun things. Of course it was clear that it had been Filthy’s daughter who wrote the proposal, mostly due to it being written in pen (weirdly enough, Filthy wrote all his proposals and contracts in crayon… he was odd like that).

“Are we ever going to rebuild the library?” Bon Bon asked from where she sat on the couch. Most ponies wouldn’t have been that comfortable lounging around the Mayor but when said Mayor had been let into the secret that a certain sweets baker was really a secret spy who had been forced to go into hiding when a mission went south such concerns went out the window. What also went out the window were forms of punctuation to make long run-on sentences not feel like rambling walls of text. Still, with the Mayor knowing exactly who she was Bon Bon felt as if she were the only mare she could actually be herself around.

(Of course, what Bon Bon/Sweetie Drops DIDN’T know that the Mayor did was that the secret monster hunting agency hadn’t actually been dissolved. In reality Bon Bon had been secretly selected by a new division, run by Celestia’s Canterlot Unilatoral National Tech-Spy and Equestria’s top Canterlot Logistics and Investigative Technician: Night Light and Twilight Velvet. It had been decided that with Director Light and Dr. Velvet’s daughter moving to Ponyville and being the bearer of an Element of Harmony it would be a wise idea to keep an eye on her and thus Bon Bon, along with several other agents, were secretly ‘burned’ and shipped to Ponyville to keep an eye on the purple unicorn who once opened the gates of Tartarus when she was tired and wanted to get a snack and mixed up her words)

(Of course, they were also concerned she called it Tar-Tar-us instead of Tart-er-us, but that was a matter for a different day)

“I really don’t think so,” the Mayor said, tossing out the proposal and looking at the next one (A request from Mrs. Cake to make paternity tests illegal).

“Why not?”

“A few reasons. First off, the money could be used for other things.”

“What things?” Bon Bon asked, only to be interrupted when the Mayor’s assistant, In Box, rushed in.

“Mayor Mare, some kind of bee with bear attributes is attacking the bowling alley. We’re pretty sure we can chase it away-”

“Did you say a bugbear?” Bon Bon said nervously.

“No, it’s more of a bearbug.”

“Oh, okay then.”

“But we are afraid there will be some damage. Jeff Letrotski complained that his rug has been destroyed-“

Mayor Mare sighed. “Take the money out of the petty cash fund.” She looked at Bon Bon as In Box ran out to inform Out Box what they needed to do. “We have enough trouble paying for damage caused by normal life-threatening monsters. Unless the Princesses want to human-up the cash to pay for what Tirek did I don’t see the need for us to do it.”

“What’s the other reason?” Bon Bon asked.

“No one used the library,” Mayor Mare said with a shrug. “Honestly, I think other than three times in the last few years no one bothered to go into the library. The only one who benefitted was Twilight Sparkle so if she wants books she can buy them herself with whatever money the princesses are giving her. Our tax bits pay for it…” The Mayor frowned. “Unless Celestia diverted funds to pay for the Anti-Changeling Barrier.”

“I thought she was going to make the Changelings Pay for it?” Bon Bon asked.

(Author’s Note: This political joke was brought to you by Husky Boy Brand Sweat Pants. Husky Boy… when you’ve just given up)

“Aren’t you worried that not having a library will prevent everypony from expanding their horizons and minds?”

“I’m counting on it.”

“Say what now?”

Mayor Mare leveled a cool stare at the earth pony. “My name is MAYOR Mare. My parents kinda set me up to govern, not wash dishes or be a stripper like my brother Pole Dancer. I need the ponies in this town to stay stupid so they never realize that I’m technically not qualified for this job… or worse, that Princess Twilight has basically taken over all my duties.”

“That’s… horrible.”

“Please. I might not be qualified but I’m better than any other option they might have.”

Bon Bon opened her mouth, only for a steady stream of possible mayors flowed through her head, each more horrifying than the last (and oddly enough the song “You Sexy Thing” was playing during her mental montage).

“…I retract my previous statement.”

The God Squad: Equestira’s Mightiest Immortals
Episode 3: How Celestia Got Her Groove Back

“Well, waddya know!” Mary Sue said, looking at the viewing screen in the TARDIS. “They are on their journey alright… just as I said!”

“Sometimes I get very concerned about the odd things you say,” the Doctor said.

“They find Tydal yet?” Dinky asked, bouncing up and down so she could see the screen.

“Not yet,” the Doctor said.

“Oh.” Dinky said. “Did they find Tydal yet?”

“Not yet.

“Oh. Did they find him yet?”

“No.”

“Oh… did they-“

“Let’s just see what amusing things Celestia and Rainbow Dash are doing right now!” The Doctor said quickly.

~MC~MC~MC~

“Now then, if I remember correctly I believe that the training grounds should be this way.” Celestia trotted along the well-worn path, her fake glasses firmly in place. The sun was shining and the Everfree, which in their time was a dark and forboding lair of sneaky and twisted things (except for Zecora… oh god, did that come off as racist? It was racist to include Zecora! Crap crap crap! Uh… uh… cut back to the story! Cut damn it!) resembled any bright and beautiful forest that one could find in Equestria. Oh, there were hints of the darkness and wildness that would soon come to dominate the dark woods but on this day all was beautiful and bright. “You know, I’d forgotten how much I enjoy quiet strolls through nature. It’s been far too long, Rainbow Dash, since I’ve been able to indulge in this.”

“Mmmhmm,” Rainbow mumbled.

Celestia forced herself to smile, a touch disappointed that Rainbow wasn’t enjoying their walk as much as she was. “I suppose you are wondering why the Everfree looks like this. It’s actually an interesting story…” She turned and flashed an exciting grin. “Do you want to hear it?”

“I guess,” Rainbow said sullenly.

Celestia’s smile fell. “Well… if you aren’t interested… but it is very amazing! It involved land ordinances and a manticore relocation program-“

THUMP!

The Princess of the Sun looked down at the fallen, sleeping form of Rainbow Dash.

“Rainbow Dash?”

The cyan mare snorted in her sleep “Mmm… that’s it… oh, do it like that Applejack… splash your juices on my tongue… god, your apple juice is the best. Have any donuts?”

“Ahem.”

Rainbow blinked and, seeing the face of her ruler staring down at her, chuckled weakly. “Hee… sorry Princess Celestia. Usually that only happens with Twilight tries to tell me something super boring… I mean-“

Celestia snorted. “Just spit it out.”

“Uh… say way?” Rainbow asked, startled.

The Princess closed her eyes and facehoofed. “I’m sorry, Rainbow Dash. I’ve been spending so much time with my family, traveling around, having adventures-“

“Yeah, Rarity told us about Prance. Did you really think a Prance Army could win a battle? Heh.”

Celestia pursed her lips. “Quite. The point is that I’ve grown used to being able to speak my mind and, to be frank, speak bluntly.”

“Hey, no sweat,” Rainbow said, waving her off.

“That being said, I’ve also become used to others speaking bluntly and honestly to me.”

Rainbow considered this. “Well… I can see that. If I had ponies constantly just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear I’d be miserable too. I’d be thrilled that my family would treat me like a pony and not a figurehead.”

“Thrilled?”

~Several Weeks Earlier during the Equestria Boys 2 Arc~

“Now then, we need to be careful,” Celestia said, adjusting her suit jacket. “We must make sure that we build the wall to protect the school carefully or it will be sieged far too quickly. I would suggest we apply basic engineering principles. I’ve made some blueprints-“

Luna leapt into the classroom where Celestia was giving her speech and held up a fire extinguisher. “NERD!” She laughed, blasting her big sis. “HA!”

Celestia coughed.

~MC~MC~MC~

“Not… the word I would use for it.” Celestia looked down at Rainbow Dash. “But at this point I would ask you to treat me as you would one of your friends. For this mission we are not Princess and subject but two ponies seeking a Capricorn.”

“So you want me to speak honestly and openly with you?”

“I would very much like that.”

Rainbow nodded. “Well then, I guess you’ve kinda noticed that I’m not too… keen on this mission?”

Celestia sighed. “I did notice and while I understand your reasons I hope you can find it within your heart to continue with it. I know my father hasn’t endeared himself to the general pony population but trust me when I say-“

“Oh, I’m all down for finding Lord Tydal!” Rainbow said with a grin. “I can’t wait to hang out with him.”

“Excuse me?”

“Your dad is awesome!” Rainbow exclaimed. “He’s this buck-ass warrior who can kick all sorts of plot! I mean, yeah, he can’t fly but I saw a bit of what he can do in the water and those are some moves I so want to adapt into my routine! Plus I hear he can drink any pony under the table and knows some of the best cider houses in the world and I so want to challenge him and his liver!”

“Well… that’s… great,” Celestia said, trying to stay upbeat. “So if it isn’t the mission and it isn’t Tydal, I suppose you are down about being around… me.”

Rainbow scuffed her hoof on the ground, her earlier joyful outburst dying a quick death. “Listen, it’s not like that…”

“Rainbow, please,” Celestia said. “I’m a big mare and I can handle it. I know I intimidate ponies or make them feel like they can’t be themselves-“

“It isn’t that,” Dash said. “It’s because you’re so boring.”

“Say what now?”

“Oh, come on!” Rainbow complained. “You have to realize you are duller than dish water! You’re like Twilight before Nightmare Moon! All facts and boring info and no fun! We’re in the past and I’m stuck with you? I should have swapped with Twilight! Then you two eggheads could bond over talking about bridges and me and Pricness Luna could have fun!”

“…bridge this!” Celesita shouted, bucking Rainbow straight to the moon. “Talk to me in a thousand years!”

“Princess?”

Celestia blinked, realizing that she’d zoned out during Rainbow’s rant and just imagined bucking the cyan pegasus to the moon. “Sorry, you were saying?”

“I don’t mean to offend you… it’s just that you and me? Totally different. Like oil and water! Or Rarity and mud! You and exciting things! Just don’t mesh up well! I don’t mean to be mean but you asked me to shoot straight with you-“

“Yes, I did,” Celestia said, a glint in her eyes.

“Uh… right,” Rainbow said. “Are… are you okay? You’re kinda smiling all demonic like.”

“Oh, I’m fine. Fine fine fine. Fine.” Celestia paused. “Fine. Now then, let us hurry along.”

“Uh… right.”

~MC~MC~MC~

“Ugga moogy!” Discord said, the pony form he was wearing giving forth a full-body shudder.

“Are you alright, darling?” Rarity asked from the changing room. She had suggested that the two of them investigate Canterlot (which, in this point of time, wasn’t the capital of Equestria and was merely a rich and powerful walled city with a massive keep) to see if Tydal was hiding there. Discord had argued that his brother would only go to Canterlot if he wanted to shed some blood but Rarity had argued that it would be the last place somepony would think to look for a Capricorn and thus allow the War God to hide. Discord had tried to argue against this but Rarity had pushed on and after 15 minutes the white unicorn had managed to convince Discord to just go with the flow.

The flow, in this case, had taken them to an ancient seamstress who had taken one look at the two of them (and the bag of gold Rarity had convinced Discord to create) and quickly agreed to dress them in outfits that would allow them to move about the streets without looking out of place.

Discord had soon found himself wearing a doublet of crushed red velvet, waiting as Rarity tried on several outfits that the seamstress had happily brought out for her. The God of Chaos was used to unusual situations but he found this completely out of his wheel deck.

“Oh, I’m fine,” Discord said, shaking his head. “I just got the strangest feeling… the last time I got that it was because some pony had called Celestia boring.”

Rarity emerged from the dressing room wearing an elegant yet time-period appropriate purple and white dress. “I suppose somepony, most likely Rainbow Dash, confused cultured for boring-“

Discord snorted. “Please… Celestia hides it well but she is Tydal’s daughter. If she is boring then I am a dullard. No, I am more concerned with how Celestia will react.”

“What do you mean?” Rarity asked as she made for the door.

Discord frowned. “Let’s just say that Celestia doesn’t take insults against her character all that well. If Rainbow Dash is the one who called her boring I pity your little winged friend.”

“Oh, forget about her. Tonight is about us.”

“Finding Tydal?” Discord asked.

“Yes, of course. Now then, let’s hurry to the castle… they are having an Invitation Only Dinner tonight and I managed to snag us tickets.”

“And you are sure my brother will be there?”

“…sure, why not?” Rarity cuddled up against the confused Chaos God. “And if not we can check out all the bedrooms and see if he is hiding there.”

“I’m not sure this is a good plan-AAACK!” Discord let out a yelp as Rarity used her magic to drag him behind her.

~MC~MC~MC~

Rainbow and Celestia had not found any soldiers at the training grounds but the signs of training showed them that they had only just missed the stallions. The sounds of thunderous laughter coming from one of the cabin-style barracks that stood on the far edge of the training area made it clear just where the missing pegasi were located.

“You want to wait for them to come out?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Could be a few hours but-“

“Oh no,” Celestia said, her tone a bit more biting than Rainbow was used to, “that would be rather boring, wouldn’t it? I say we go talk with them now.”

Rainbow opened her mouth but the cool stare Celestia leveled her way made her quickly shut her trap and follow after the Sun Princess, wondering if her brash attitude from a few minutes ago had just led her into a world of pain.

(And readers of this story just nodded their heads)

Celestia pushed open the door of the barracks, looking around the dimly lit interior. She had always been one to let her soldiers do as they wished when off duty, figuring that as long as they were professional in public they could do what they wanted in private amongst their fellow soldiers. So she wasn’t surprised to see that the pegasus soldiers had built a bar in one corner of the building and were serving moonshine and homemade hooch while playing cards and telling the rowdiest, most vulgar jokes possible. Two stallions were hoofwrestling, their buddies placing bets on who would win, while others were tossing darts while doing shots of cloudy liquid that wouldn’t pass any safety standards. The entire building reeked of sweat, stale booze, and cigar smoke, creating a miasma that could choke a donkey (and had, actually, during one particularly rowdy party last April).

“Okay, let me do the talking,” Rianbow said, looking up at the Princess of all of Equestria. “I’m used to dealing with ponies like this and can-“

“Oh look! Someone hired strippers!” A drunk stallion called out.

Celestia chuckled as the purple pegasus stumbled over towards her, licking his lips. “Oh little boy…” she headbutted him, knocking him out cold. “You wouldn’t survive the foreplay. Two hooves of your strongest. He’s paying.” She wandering over to the bar, stepping over the twitching form she’d just knocked unconscious.

“Holy (censored)!” Rainbow exclaimed. “That was-“

“Nothing,” Celestia said with a yawn before downing her shot. Rainbow reached for the second glass only for Celestia to snatch it up. “Oh, did you want some too?” Celestia downed her second drink before tossing the glasses away. “Hit me again and get Rainbow here a sippy cup.”

“Hey!” Rainbow complained as the soldier who was playing barkeep passed her a glass. “I can handle my-“ her retort died in her throat as the mere smell of the pale amber liquid in her cup made her feel lightheaded. She stared at Celestia, who threw back two more shots without blinking before motioning for more, and suddenly wondered if being an alicorn meant you also got an Earth Pony’s tolerance for liquor (it did).

“So, what brings you two in here?” the soldier-turned-barkeep asked.

“Looking for someone,” Celestia said, looking around the room. “This is his kind of place but I don’t see him.”

“You sure?” the barkeep asked.

“Trust me, everypony would know if he were here.” Celesta shrugged. “I suppose we can wait around a bit to see if he shows up. What do you colts do for fun around him?”

One of the braver soldiers laughed. “Oh, all sorts of things, sweet thighs!” His friends all cackled and egged him on. “But you sure you can handle our games?”

“Easily,” Celestia said. “Let me guess… you want to play cards or darts and make sexual favors the bets? Mouth hugs for every bull’s eye?”

“Uh…” Rainbow said, jaw dropped.

Celestia merely smirked. “I raised Cadence, remember?” she said under her breath. “That sounds rather dull… I have something else in mind.”

“And what’s that?” the soldier asked, intrigued.

“Triathlon,” Celestia stated, flexing her wings.

“Running, swimming, flying?” the soldier asked.

“Please,” Celestia said with a laugh. “That is how the little foals do it. No… a real triathlon: 30 shots, 30 flying laps around the your training yard, and then 30 wing-ups. With victory shots for the winner.”

The soldier stared at Celestia as if she were mad. Rainbow was sure she was.

“Let me get this straight…” Rainbow said, staring at the princess. “You want you and this soldier to get drunk, try to fly, and then when your wings feel like they are going to fall off do 30 wing-ups?!?”

The Sun Princess laughed. “Oh, of course not Rainbow Dash!” The cyan mare let out a sigh of relief. “I want him to drink, his friend to race me, and a final friend to do the wing-ups. I’ll do them all myself… make things interesting.”

“…how strong is this stuff?” Rainbow exclaimed, staring at her still full glass.

“Not strong enough,” Celestia said, taking Rainbow’s drink and downing it. “That didn’t count, soldier boy. Now line’em up!” She slammed the counter with her hoof before grabbing a bottle and drinking straight from it. She smacked her lips before looking the soldier and his buddies up and down. “Let me know when you are ready, sweetheart.”

Rainbow gulped. “Well… at least the others must be having an easier time…”

~Meanwhile…~

“Well, this is a fine mess you’ve gotten us into Ollie!” Pinkie declared, her and Luna tied to a stake while a pony tried to start a fire just below their hooves.

Time Travel Headaches

Graceful Wind and Quick Cut, Scootaloo’s parents, looked around the simple conference room they were currently sitting in within Canterlot’s business district. All around them were all manner of different ponies from all three tribes and from all corners of Equestria. Business ponies from Manehattan looked over the table in the back that was filled with donuts from Pony Joe’s, next to them farmers from the Great Grass Plains. An animal rustler from Soggy Bottom Bog sat next to a couple of ponies from Canterlot’s Fetish District, both of them looking at what the other was wearing and rolling their eyes. And it wasn’t just ponies either… there was a delegation of Griffins in one corner quietly chatting amongst themselves about the history of a bridge while near the front of the room the hippogriff Silver Quill awkwardly tried to find a way to get comfortable in his seat and cursed poor chair design within Equestria.

“What do you think this is all about?” Grace asked.

Quick, munching on an apple fritter, shrugged. “No idea… we were just told to come by that letter that arrived last week.”

“Well, I know that, I was there when we got the letter. No need for exposition.” Grace suddenly looked around with fear. “Plotdump isn’t around, is he?”

Quick swallowed hastily and helped her search before sighing in relief. “No, I think we are good-“

There was a flash of light and billowing smoke and in front of the conference room appeared a pony in a dark maroon clock, his mouthbarely visible under the heavy hood her wore. Those in attendance all flinched but the mysterious stallion didn’t make any more to attack and soon they all just sat quietly in anticipation. The robed pony waited until the last of the attendees had taken their seats before speaking.

“Greetings, everyone. You are probably wondering why you were summoned here. I shall explain, for I am Retcon the Meta!” He reared up and thunder clamored somewhere in the distance. “And I have brought you here to feel my power!”

“You’re… what now?” a blue unicorn pony who was wearing an apron from Sugar Cube Corners asked in confusion.

“Are you referring to my name or my power?” Retcon asked.

“…both, actually.”

The stallion nodded, never lowering his hood. “Ah, those go hoof in hoof. For you see it is my grand duty to ensure that all of you fit with canon to ensure that the FIC remains stable!”

“Cannon?” a Griffin asked nervously. “Oh dear, are you going to kill us?”

Silver Quill jabbed a talon at him. “Ha! Firebrand didn’t get me last time and neither will you!”

Retcon shook his head and let out a dry huff. “No no. Canon. One N. It refers to established history.”

A farmer pony raised her foreleg. “Fic?”

“Functionality In Canterlot… it’s a thing.” Retcon shrugged. “Since last updating the FIC, many seasons have passed and with them many revelations concerning Equestria, its inhabitants, and its history. It is my solemn duty, as charged by the creator, to use my power to ensure that canon is maintained.”

The door to the conference room opened and Wall Breaker the 4th stuck his head in. “Shouldn’t defender2222 be doing this? He is the author.”

Retcon let out a very un-mysterious huff. “defender2222 never created an OC that was a representation of himself. His main OC is Tydal and the Squad is still finding him in Old Equestria so he can’t do this. Besides he doesn’t fit. Defender2222 is very odd in the fact he has no personal OC. Thus I was created.”

“OC?” someone called out. “You mean Oceaniac Creature?”

“Not this time,” Retcon replied.

Wall Breaker though pressed his point. “So wouldn’t that make you defender2222?”

“No. Especially because that name is horrible and long and was only used on this site because he was embarrassed to be writing MLP fiction.”

Grace frowned. “Are you following any of this?”

“Not a lick,” her husband stated. He chewed on his donut. “Food’s good though.”

Retcon thrust up his foreleg. “In fact, I will make my first act to retcon that everyone can call defender2222 “Mr. Chaos” from now on! In fact it would be preferred!”

Wall Breaker shrugged. “I think you should retcon him in as a pony but what do I know… just been calling out stuff in the FIC since-“

There was a flash under Retcon’s hood and the door slammed shut… and a lock appeared, retconed into existence.

“Now then, as I stated… we have learned much over the passing seasons and I must go about correcting things. First off… King Fakeo? Step forward.”

The blue stallion with the apron nervously walked up. “Uh… yes?”

“We have learned more about you, father of Trixie. You are now named Jack Pot and you are also a famous magician! Also you prefer suit jackets.”

The unicorn blinked before grinning. “That… that sounds great! Famous, doing something I love, better name, no longer have to work at Sugar Cube-“

“Oh, you still have to work there,” Retcon declared before grimacing. “I am not messing with the Cakes.”

“Wait, what?” Jack Pot/Fakeo looked in horror as Retcon opened a portal back to the bakery and sweet shop and shoved him through it. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“That was beautifully tragic,” Grace muttered.

“Tragically beautiful,” Quick countered.

“Starswirl the Bearded!” the crowd gasped as they realized that the legendary wizard’s ghost had been in the back of the room, still looking over the muffins that were available on the desert table. Realizing he’d been called Starswirl floated over. “Originally there was talk of you joining the FIC as a member of the God Squad but that has changed. Now you will get your own team of heroes! The Pillars! They are like Equestria’s Avengers except their time travel actually makes sense!”

“Well… that is nice.” Starswirl said with a smile, adjusting his hat, bells chiming as he did so. “I assume we will get our own spin-off where I am the noble leader, going on merry adventures learning about friendship?”

Retcon grimaced. “Yeaaaah… actually you only appear in a couple episodes, only one of them you are all together, and you’re a total tool who treats Twilight like crap.” Retcon threw out a Ghost Trap and sucked Starswirl in before he could argue, then opened another portal, this to Limbo, and tossing him inside. “Graceful Wind and Quick Cut.”

Scootaloo’s parents swallowed nervously as they stepped forward. “Y-yes?” Quick asked, having realized that Retcon could retcon things for good or for bad.

“Your coats and manes will have to be made different colors but you may keep your builds as well as stay an Earth Pony and a Pegasus. Turns out the creator was actually correct in that… who knew? Also your names are now Snap Shutter and Mane Allgood.”

The two shared looks and shrugged. “Well, I have been looking to get a new hairstyle,” Grace/Mane said, touching her mane. “What are you thinking?”

“Cute and stylish braid.”

“Yes… that would work nicely!” she declared.

“And Snap isn’t a bad name… so am I a photographer now? And Grce…er… Mane is a stylist?”

“You are world famous adventurers who discovers new animals and plants, explore the most dangerous places in Equestria, and advance science and medicine with your discoveries,” Retcon declared solemnly.

“…are you sure that isn’t one of those stories about our daughter’s secret origins?” Snap/Quick asked.

“Yes. Now, you’ll also get a dialect coach as you need to have an Australian Accent.”

Snap/Quick frowned. “What’s an Austrialian?”

Retcon sighed. “Brismane.”

“Ah.”

“Also your sister is gay.”

Snap/Quick frowned. “I don’t have a sister.”

“You do now! RETCON!”

The God Squad: Equestria’s Mightiest Immortals
Episode 4: Time Travel Headaches

Luna looked down as the mob of angry ponies slowly began to approach her and Pinkie, the torches held in their hooves blazing brightly (it was actually impressive how they held them... what with not having any fingers to grip). It wouldn’t have been that bad if not for the fact that the two of them were tied to a stake in the middle of Ponytown (aka The Cheap Dollar Store Knock-Off of Ponyville That Your Grandma Thinks Is Just As Good As The Real Thing). The sun was just beginning to set as the Judge read off all their crimes and passed the sentence of death (Ponytown had a very fast legal system... they'd even won awards!).

“Well, this is a fine mess you’ve gotten us into Ollie!” Pinkie declared as the mob got closer.

SCREECH!

See that pony there? Well, that’s me. Princess Luna. You’re probably wondering how I got in this situation. Well, it’s a long story. It all started several hours earlier, when me and my baby girl Twilight were searching for my adopted father…

“So I want to make sure we are in complete agreement about this,” Twilight said as the two of them trotting along the dirt road towards Ponytown (‘Ponytown: If we look poorly put together it’s because we are!’).

“Of course, it is always good to have a plan of attack,” Luna said cheerfully. “Now, were you thinking search grids or perhaps starting in one spot and slowly fanning out-“

“No, nothing about looking for Lord Tydal,” Twilight said firmly, shaking her head. “I meant about you and me.”

“What about you and me?”

“I’m not your kid.”

Luna merely smiled, using her magic to pinch Twilight’s cheek. “Aw, that’s so cute, you’re in your Rebellious Teen Phase!” Releasing the annoyed purple pony Luna continued on ahead. “Oh, my little Twiley Moonie is growing up. Soon we'll need to get your first training saddle!”

“I am over 20 years old. And my name isn’t Twiley Moonie,” Twilight grumbled. “And this isn’t me rebelling and claiming I’m not your daughter because I am all angsty or angry or hormonal or you decided to dust the books on my bookshelf but when you did that you moved them around and you mixed them up and you KNOW HOW I LIKE THEM AND THAT IS MY ROOM AND YOU SHOULDN’T TOUCH MY THINGS-!” Twilight stopped and took a breath. “Ahem. What I mean is that I am not your child because we are not genetically related.”

“Oh? Did you perform a blood test?”

Twilight frowned. “Well… no, I didn’t, but I know for a fact that I am not your kid.”

“You are a scientist, aren’t you Twilight?”

The purple alicorn tapped her chin, wondering where Luna was going with this but also intrigued by the question but rather than get annoyed by the distraction she was actually intrigued by the question. “Well, kind of? I mean I never got my doctorate or anything like that so I’m not officially a scientist by any college’s measure but that’s the thing… aren’t we all scientists? Any time a filly or a colt sees something new in the world and experiments with it doesn’t that make them a scientist? Whenever one questions the world, doesn’t that make them a scientist? Whenever I try and bring ponies back to life using the machines in my basement that are an affront to Faust’s plan… doesn’t that make me a scientist?”

“My point is-wait, how many ponies have you brought back to life?” Luna asked nervously; even she didn't meddle with necromancy.

“Are we counting the ones that I had to kill because they came back as soulless monsters?”

“No.”

“Then just one. And that was just a foal… Cozy something or other but I’m sure she isn’t a soulless monster at all!”

Luna pursed her lips together. “Considering who I am that only proves more that we are related. But anyway, my point is that you are a scientist… and with science you can never truly disprove a negative, only prove something is. And for that you need evidence. So I ask you, what evidence do you have that we aren’t related?”

“You were on the moon when I was born.”

“Was I?” Luna asked with a smirk. “You do realize I was able to come and go as I pleased.”

“But…no, you couldn’t! You were trapped up there! The book said so!”

“Books aren’t always right, Twilight,” Luna said with a giggle, continuing on and thus missing Twilight’s mane bursting into flames and the death glare she sent the Princess’ way before she quickly got a hold of herself (‘she is from a different time… she is backwards and stupid… she doesn’t know what she’s actually saying…’). “Yes, I for the most part remained on the moon as I plotted my revenge on Celestia… and oh, what plotting I did…”

~553 Years Ago… er… from the present day. So actually roughly 449 years in the future of when Luna is now…~

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!” Nightmare Moon sobbed, stomping her hoofs on the lunar soil. “IT’S NOT FAIR! I HATE IT HERE! WAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!” She turned to a few stones that she’d carved to look like Tydal, Merida, and the twins. “I’m…sniff… I’m going to go back permanently one day… and I’m going to put Celestia here for a week… and when she comes to me…sobbing and crying… and lonely… sniff... I’ll show her I ran things just fine!” She blew her nose. “My kingdom will be amazing! With lower t-taxes, and moonlit strolls, and free pizza bagels for everyone!”

The Tydal rock fell onto its side.

“DADDY NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

~The Present… which is the past. But not the past we just saw… god, this is confusing, now do you see why this story was on hiatus for so long?!?!~

“…but I did venture back and forth from the moon and Equestria for brief visits to restock. Kinda like Lucifer Morningstar.”

“Who?” Twilight asked as they passed a well-dressed unicorn with dark hair, a gin-glass-with-wings cutie mark, and the animal charisma to make any pony male or female want to sleep with him.

Luna just continued on. “Who is to say I didn’t spend one of those visits with some muscular stallion… tall with devilish good looks and a smooth voice perfect for jazz… and a hard, throbbing, meaty-“

“I am not old enough to hear this,” Twilight whimpered as Luna began to drool.

The Moon Goddess shook her head, snapping herself out of her daydream. “The point is I could easily be your mama.”

“But even you know you didn't gave birth to me!” Twilight complained. "You have no memory of it! Scootaloo told me so when she saw your memory when you two piloted that jaeger!"

Luna giggled as they entered the town proper. “Oh Twilight, that’s only because Nightmare Moon was a horrific drunk who blacked out all the time.”

“She… she was?” Twilight asked.

“How did my return appear to you? How do you remember it?” Luna asked as they passed by some quaint little huts and shacks.

Twilight shuddered. “Terrifying. You were ranting and cackling and talking about how the night would last forever…”

Luna grimaced. “I think you might be viewing that through rose-tinted glasses…”

~Several years ago for Twilight, but 1000 years in the future for the time they are in and oh dear lord is this time travel confusing, why didn’t I just send Tydal to Tartarus like I originally planned?!?!?!~

“Oh no… Nightmare Moon!” Twilight whispered as the dark phantom of pony terrors appeared on the balcony Princess Celestia was supposed to be on, Spike fainting off her back at the sight.

“Oh, my-hic-beloved s-subjects!” Nightmare Moon slurred, forcing the bile to not come rushing up her throat. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen your-“ her eyes drifted to the barrel of cider Berry Punch was hugging (while her daughter glared at her in annoyance), “-precious, mouth-watering… I mean sun-loving faces.”

“What did you do with your princess?!” the flying can of Pabst Blue Ribbon declared, a Mike’s Hard Lemonade stopping her (or at least that's how Nightmare Moon saw it).

“Why, am I not royal enough for you? Don’t you -urp- know who I am?” As the pink pony blathered on Nightmare Moon looked down and realized that there were bottles of Johnny Trotter Whiskey scattered about her hooves and she shifted, hoping she was high up enough that no one saw them. Finally hearing someone guess right (who had a lovely coat and pretty eyes and if she were her daughter she’d be very proud that she’d grown up to be so pretty!) she smiled in delight and gave her big speech, waiting for the moment the lightning cracked… to quietly shove the whiskey bottles off the balcony and onto the ground. “Ow… laughing hurts, laughing hurts…”

~Present, or past, or… oh, why do I even bother? (gets up and walks away)~

“So the point is that I could easily have blacked out and forgotten about you until the Cakes informed me of the truth.”

“You blacked out… for months?”

“Have you ever been pregnant, Twilight?”

“No… I just hatched my psedo-son from an egg… a chocolate egg with a caramel center. Which, according to Rarity, is why his urine is sticky and delicious.”

“…that was more information than I needed, Twilight,” Luna grumbled before getting back on topic. “The point is I could so be your mother! It’s not like you remember your own birth.”

“That… is true,” Twilight was pained to admit. “My earliest memory was when I was three…”

~Uh yeah, I’m the janitor… defender2222 left in a huff to rethink his life… so I guess I have to say when this took place? So… flashback to when Twilight was three?~

“Oh no!” Night Light cried out, looking at the train crash that laid sprawled out before them all. There were mangled bodies everywhere, with severed limbs and random organs staining the ground with bile and blood. Ponies were screaming in agony, begging for help, while witnesses just screamed at the nightmarish terror that lay before them. One pony even ran by on fire, flailing his arms about. “How… how could this have happened?” Night Light asked, drawing Twilight close to him, the little filly staring at the carnage with wide frightened eyes.

“We… decided… to go off schedule…” a conductor who was pinned under a hunk of the locomotive’s engine gasped out, reaching out towards them and placing a bloody hoof on Twilight’s cheek.. “Didn’t… follow the… checklist either. This… happened… because… we didn’t… have a checklist… could… have been… avoided… if only… we stuck… to plan… and precious… check… liiiisssst.”

~Back to Twilight at her current age… huh, this isn’t hard at all!~

Twilight laughed. “but I’m sure that event didn’t cause lasting damage to my psyche.”

“Suuuureeeee,” Luna drawled out before looking around, trying to decide where to start first with seeking out Tydal. “The point is you don’t have any proof I couldn’t be your mommy.”

“Then I’ll get some proof!” Twilight quickly waved to a passing farmer. “Excuse me sir, do you know where we can go to get a blood test done?”

“A… blood test?” the farmer asked, confused by the request.

“Twilight, no!” Luna cried out in fear.

“Yeah, we are trying to figure out if we are related and I want to test our blood!”

Luna magically grabbed Twilight before she could say more. “We are in the past, remember? That sort of stuff will sound like witchcraft-“

The farmer laughed. “Oh, you mean a DNA test. I was confused by what you called it, ma’am. Afraid the doctor is out for the day, visiting a family friend, but maybe he could do one tomorrow?”

Luna blinked. “Or ponies are more advanced than a thought. Lovely!” Reaching into her saddlebag Luna pulled out a parchment. “If we might trouble you we are looking for my father. He is a capricorn, half goat and half fish…” She held up the scroll, which had a photo of Tydal strangling a salespony who had tried to sell him a waffle maker (long story), the words ‘LOST CAPRICORN’ printed on the top of the parchment and at the bottom a description of the God of War (loves long watches on the beast, answers to Tydal, has had all his shots) and who to contact if they found him and a reward. “He would have passed by here in the last 8 months if-“

“What… what is that?” the farmer asked, staring at the parchment.

“Uh… a description of my father…” Luna began.

“No, I mean what is that sorcery on that paper. Its so lifelike…”

Luna frowned, craning her head around to get a better look. “That is a photo of my daddy-“

“No… that is witchcraft!” The farmer reared back in fright. “You stole his soul and placed it in that paper! Dark magic! Dark magic!”

Twilight’s eyes went wide as the townsponies began to circle them. “It’s just a pho-aaaack!” one of the schoolmares hit her with a shovel, knocking her out.

“MY BABY!” Luna screamed before narrowing her eyes, her horn flashing. “Alright, no one hurts the foal that may or may not actually be mine. It’s time for some Luna-“

And that’s when Pinkie plummeted from the sky and landed on top of her, knocking Luna out.

SCREECH!

See that pony there? Well, that’s me. Pinkie Pie. You’re probably wondering how I got in this situation. Well, it’s a long story. It all started several hours earlier, when-

Hey!

Oh, hiya Princess Luna!

This is my bit! Get your own!

We can both us it! Didn’t your mom ever teach you to share?

My mother decided to dump me on my brother’s doorstep before I was fully cognizant of my existence.

Awwwww… well that’s okay, we can still share this bit. Anyway, How I got here. It’s a long story…

“So this is a medieval sex swing?” Cadence asked the soldier she and Pinkie had been questioning about Tydal’s location. "Very solidly made!"

“No, that’s a catapult,” the soldier said dryly.

Pinkie, who’d hopped into the device, frowned. “So it won’t make me c-“

TWANG!

“WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!” Pinkie cried out as she went rocketing through the air.

Huh… I guess it wasn’t that long of a story after all!

Luna tugged on the ropes before looking at the mob once more. "But doesn't this seem a bit extreme? Isn't there some other punishment you could use?"

The Judge shook his head though. "You must be not from around here... burning at the stake is how we punish all criminals." He gestured to Luna's right and for the first time she noticed that there was line of other ponies tied to their own stakes, waiting to be burned.

Raising an eyebrow the first mare sighed. "I stole two bits."

A large earth pony stallion looked down humbly. "I tore the tag off my mattress."

"Noise ordnance," a pony with a tuba said (the tuba tied to its own stake.

"I violently murdered ponies and used their bones to make my house," a creepy pony with dark black eyes and a slicked back mane said, slurping his words.

Luna turned back to Judge Heavyhoof. "Okay, now that one does deserve to burn at the stake. But there is something I’ve never understood…” she said as the villagers began to light the timber on fire. “If a witch is supposed to be all super scary powerful and such… ignoring that unicorns are basically witches… why couldn’t they free themselves from a situation like this?”

Judge Heavyhoof shook his head. “Well, this is more of a test than a punishment-“

“You said this was our punishment for being witches,” Luna pointed out. “And to be super fair Pinkie is an earth pony and isn’t a witch because she has no magic.”

“I do break the laws of physics often!” she said helpfully. “I made Alcolt Eintrot cry once.”

“…ignoring both that comment and the horrible name pun… why would you attempt to burn a witch if you know they could escape?”

“It’s a test, as I said. If you are truly innocent ponies you will burn to death.”

Luna frowned. “And?”

“And what?”

“That’s it? If you are wrong we burn to death.”

“Indeed.”

“Duh!” Pinkie said, rolling her eyes. “That’s what fire does, silly!” In a stage whisper she told the mob, “She’s led a very sheltered life. Please forgive the silly moonie booty.”

Luna grit her teeth. “I see the ‘Only Sane Pony’ switch is firmly in my position now.” To the Judge she said, “So you openly admit that you murder innocent ponies.”

“Only if they aren’t witches. If they aren’t witches they die a good innocent death… screaming in agony as their flesh melts and their organs pop. As the Princesses intended!”

“And if they are witches and escape?”

“Then they fail the test and are asked to return to the town square so they might be crushed to death.”

Luna huffed. “And just how many ponies have actually been revealed to be witches?”

“Well… none of them,” the Judge admitted, “but science states you can’t disprove a negative, only prove it!”

“That is true!” Pinkie said with a giggle. “Alright, let’s get this over with!”

“You do realize you will burn to death, right?” Luna asked, turning to the baker.

Pinkie though merely grinned and shook her head. “Nope! Not gonna happen!”

“…because you are a witch?” Luna asked suspiciously.

“Because this is a kid’s cartoon and death can’t happen, silly! All ponies get is big boo-boos.”

“This is a defender2222 story.”

“Say what now?”

Luna sighed. “Use your 4th Wall Sense.”

Pinkie’s eyes unfocused for a moment… and then she began to struggle against the bonds. “WE’RE GONNA DIE! WE’RE GONNA DIE!”

“We’re fine,” Luna said, using her magic to teleport them to safety. The mob let out a gasp and several of them fainted at the sight. Luna, clearing her throat, activated the Canterlot Voice. “ATTENTION MY LITTLE PONIES! YOU HAVE GONE ABOUT THIS ALL WRONG! WITCHES ARE NOT TO BE FEARED! THEY ARE GOOD AND KIND AND MARRY MEN NAMED DURWOOD!”

“It’s Darrin!” an earth pony called out.

“THE POINT REMAINS THAT YOU SHOULD NOT TRY AND BURN WITCHES… BECAUSE IT WILL ADD TO THE CO2 COUNT IN THE ATMOSPHERE! INSTEAD YOU SHOULD TRY TO BRIBE WITCHES… WITH GOLD. AND HELPING FIND THEIR DAD’S! AND FLAPJACK PANCAKES!”

“Can… can we do that now?” the Judge asked.

“YES!”

Pinkie giggled and bounced towards a baker’s hut. “I’ll show you a nifty recipe the Moon Witch will love!”

Luna rolled her eyes before pulling a knocked out Twilight over and brushing her mane from her eyes. “There there… mama’s here…”

“Bruggggggggg!” Twilight moaned, drooling.

“…we’re going to say you get your sleeping habits from your father…” Luna looked up to see most of the crowd gone, save for… “Cadence? Applejack? Shining Armor?” The three, dressed in old timey outfits and holding torches, looked up at her nervously. “What are you doing here?”

SCREECH!

See those pony there? Well, that’s us. Cadence, Applejack, and Shining Armor. You’re probably wondering how we got in this situation. Well, it’s a long story. It all started several hours earlier, when-

STOP STEALING MY BIT!!!!!!!

~In the actual human world~

SCREECH!

See that guy at the keyboard there? Well, that’s me. Mr. Chaos. You might be wondering how I, the writer of such aclaimed stories as the "Harry Potter: Pokemon Master Series", "Authors of Our Own Fate", and "A Man of Iron" ended up once more writing about pastel horses instead of actually having a respectable life. Well... it's a long story...

10 Pounds of Failure In A 5 Pound Bag

In a small but rather nice office in a municipal block there was a rather kind and well dressed white wolf who sat back in his comfortable red chair and looked at the mare laying on the couch before him. “So Sunset-“

“Starlight,” the pinkish mare said.

“Same thing.”

“No…” she said, looking up from the couch she was lying on, “it really isn’t.”

“Yes… it really is,” the wolf muttered under his breath before looking back at his notes. “Now then, we were discussing your abandonment issues last week, were we not?”

Starlight sighed, leaning back against the therapy couch, eyes shut as her psychologist settled himself in his chair. “Yeah… is it wrong that it still hurts? It feels like I should have let go of that pain and disappointment but… I just can’t.”

“It is completely natural Sunset-“

“Starlight.”

“Whatever. It is completely natural to feel that way. When one goes through a traumatic event,” under his breath he whispered, “though ‘my friend moved away’ isn’t quite the same as ‘I nearly died’ or ‘I drank from a glass Bill Cosby gave me’,” a bit louder he continued, “it is natural to have lingering feelings of pain. Now tell me, how do you deal with those feelings? I assume you took my advice from our last session and found a hobby?”

“Oh yes,” Starlight said, feeling rather pleased with herself. She did love pleasing those in authority (which might explain why she’d hit on her old math teacher… but that could be dealt with another day) and was happy that she could report back positively to her therapist. “I have found an outlet for my emotions.”

“Wonderful, Starlight!”

“Sunset… I mean… nevermind.”

Smiling at his little victory, the therapist got back to the point. “Now tell me… what hobby have you taken up? Sculpting? Painting? Wearing a leather jacket and going to a high school?”

Starlight beamed. “I’ve become Equestria’s version of Stalin!”

“…what?” the therapist said.

“I… I’ve become Stalin,” Starlight said again.

“I’m sorry, did you say Stalin?”

“Yes,” Starlight said. “Well… not totally.”

“Oh, that’s good,” the therapist said dryly.

“There is a lot of Hitler thrown in there too,” Starlight said with a grin.

“…how is that even a hobby?”

“When you do it the way I do it is an AMAZING hobby,” Starlight said proudly. She looked up at the clock and gasped. “Oh! We’ve run over! I’ll be late for the daily purging! Thank you, doctor!”

“I… wait…oh.” The therapist watched Starlight run off and sighed. “I am so losing my license for this.”

The God Squad: Equestria’s Mightiest Immortals
Episode 5: Ten Pounds of Failure in a 5 Pound Bag

“Any luck finding Tydal?” Cadence asked, skipping into the Tardis’ main control room. Derpy and Dinky had set up a table full of sandwiches and punch for the teams as they slowly filed back in from their day of searching. Twilight was looking through books while Fluttershy was helping tend to Pinkie and Luna’s burn marks (not because of being burned at the stake… Pinkie had fired a party cannon off near a torch after Shining had mentioned ‘the party slowly getting back together’, she’d thought he meant party as in celebration, the torch lit the confetti on fire and… well… time makes fools of us all). The Doctor and Mary Sue were discussing the stability of the timestream while glancing at the monitors wondering where the rest of the team was.

Chrysalis rolled her eyes and gestured towards her plate. “Yes. We found him. But he’s now this sandwich.”

Cadence tilted her head before grinning, hurrying over to where the changeling was reclining. “Oh Tydal, you’re back! And your lettuce looks very nice-“

“That was sarcasm, sweetie,” Shining said with a shake of his head.

Chrysalis sighed. “You’re about as bright as my son Thorax.” She held up a hoof when Cadence beamed. “That wasn’t a compliment.”

“You have a son?” Derpy asked.

“Not that he’ll admit it,” the changeling grumbled. “He’s in his rebelous whiny emo phase.”

Applejack frowned, leaning in towards Twilight and gesturing towards Cadence. “She didn’t seem this… ditzy… when I last saw her.”

“Her PTSD makes her sanity come and go,” Twilight stated with a shrug before considering what she’d just said. “Hmmm… and considering what we all go through nearly every week that would explain why we seem to forever make personal growth only to slide back into our default personas.”

Applejack frowned, walking over to the sandwich table to grab a dandelion sub. “Well, I don’t know about all that, sugarcube…”

“So how did your search go?” Luna asked Chryaslis and Fluttershy.

“Not well,” Fluttershy admitted. “Tydal wasn’t anywhere near Starswirl’s tower. Oh! But Chrysalis helped me be more assertive! I learned how to properly do it and this time I’m sure it will stick.” Fluttershy reached over to grab a muffin but Derpy shook her head.

“That is mine. I called dibs on all muffins… that ever will exist.”

“Oh… okay,” Fluttershy said meekly as Chrysalis face-hooved.

“…I retract my statement,” Applejack said, Twilight merely smirking while the changeling convinced Derpy to just let Fluttershy have the flippin’ muffin.

“How did your search go, Applejack?” Cadence asked, sitting down next to Shining and nuzzling him. “Shiny doesn’t want to talk about it but I don’t see why not.”

“Because it’s embarrassing,” he grumbled.

The pink alicorn giggled. “Oh, you always say that! ‘Cadence, I can’t sing in public, I’ll feel silly!’ ‘Cadence, that hat looks nice but I don’t think I can wear it to the party!’ ‘Cadence, this is a hoofball game, we can’t have sex in the middle of the field!’.” She tapped his nose with her hoof. “And by the end you always admit it was wonderful and then we wash all the sticky juices off your coat!”

“I do the same thing but with cake!” Pinkie declared with a grin.

“We know and we’ve asked you not to,” Applejack said dryly, remembering the last time Pinkie had ruined a hoofball game by humping a dessert. The farmer sighed before turning to Cadence. “We didn’t find Tydal, if that’s what you’re askin’-“

“NOOOO!!!!” Mary Sue gasped in mock shock, looking around the decidedly Tydal-less room.

“As for how it went it was… awkward.”

~8 hours earlier…~

“Well, this is where the Keep normally is, but their ain’t no sign of it or Tydal,” Applejack said looking up and down the shoreline of the Maratine.

“Well, it is down there,” Shining said, his horn glowing as he did one final tracking spell, “but all the capricorns are still in their stone sleep.”

Applejack’s brow furrowed. “See, that’s somethin’ I always wondered… Dusty Piles found Tydal’s stone form but none of the rest of the capricorns… didn’t the Princesses put him back with the rest of his people?”

“I think they said they put him nearby but within sight of them.” Applejack glanced at Shining as he finally ended the spell and he shot her a dry look. “How would you feel waking up to find your family’s petrified forms all around you?”

The farmpony shuddered as she thought about how waking up to THAT would be. “Yeah, point taken.”

“If I remember the interviews with Mr. Piles he found Tydal’s statue washed up on shore…” the white unicorn tapped his chin in thought. “Huh… maybe the sea sensed it was time for Tydal to finally wake up and pushed him so that some pony could find him.”

~Shortly Before The Events of A Crossover Fic Not A Lot Of People Read…~

/Slippy baby, what do you have planned for tonight?/ the female octopus asked, a thick piece of cloth tied around her eyes. She was lying on a bed of kelp, all 8 of her arms restrained as she giggled in anticipation.

/Well,/ Slippy said, swimming over to her, /I thought tonight we could try using some… toys. I found a brand new one you’ll love!/ He reached under the bed of kelp and pulled out a large stone statue shaped like a capricorn.

~45 Minutes Later~

The sea churned and deep below, if one listened carefully, they would hear cries of passion seconds before Tydal’s stone form rocketed out of the ocean and slammed into the beach… dripping with fluids that weren’t merely sea water.

~Back with Applejack and Shining~

“Well, guess all we can do is head back and see where they want us to search next.” Applejack pulled off her hat and wiped her brow. “I tell ya, I look forward ta gettin’ back ta my time. I know Twi told me about evolution and I know I screamed at her and called her a witch and tried ta drown her for all that fancy talk… but now I see what she’s gittin’ at.” She looked up towards the ancestors of apples… which had fangs and were waving little spears at them.

Shining tilted his head. “Huh… that’s odd even for my life.” He shrugged that off and continued walking. “Still, we at least can cross the shoreline off the list. Anything that narrows down the search grid will help. And we did it fast… maybe faster than anyone else!”

“We do make a good team,” Applejack said.

“I wonder why you and I haven’t hung out more in the past. I mean, we’re both down to earth and tend to be the saner ones in our group…”

Applejack frowned. “Well, the last time the two of us were together you kept asking if I slept with my own cows.”

The white unicorn coughed weakly at that. “Oh… right… that. Cadence and I were going through a rough time and I was sleepy and blue-balled… made me say some stupid stuff.”

“Right.”

Shining nodded. “Right.”

The two trotted along in silence.

“…you’re wonderin’ if I do, aren’t ya?” Applejack said dryly.

“N-no,” Shining stammered.

~Back in the Tardis~

“…so in order to get out of that situation I pointed at a random mob and we joined up.”

Applejack nodded before noticing the looks Pinkie, Luna, and Cadence were giving her. “I haven’t ever slept with a cow.”

“Oh,” the three said, nodding in acceptance.

The Doctor walked up to the gathered group, shaking his head. “I wonder where the others are… they were supposed to be back and I’m having trouble picking them up on the screens.”

At that moment the door to the Tardis banged open and Celestia stumbled in, looking about with a sloppy grin on her face. “I’m-UUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPP-here!” She spun around, nearly tripping on her own hooves, to reveal a passed out Rainbow Dash. “Had to carry the lightweight all the way from the barracks.”

Luna sighed. “You went out drinking?”

“Mmmhmmm,” Celestia said before giggling.

“And you forgot to invite me?” she complained.

Cadence looked at them and summoned the hat Discord had been using. “We need to draw for who pretends to be Tydal scolding them.” The ponies nodded and drew. “And… Pinkie is the winner.”

“Yay!” Pinkie said before wiggling her head, her mane turning into a pink replica of Tydal’s wavey style. Giving her rear a shake her tail became like his fantail and the use of a few ice cream cones gave her a sugary beard and a shark fin. “Grrrr! I am Tydal and I’m an OC! And you two girls shouldn’t be drinking before bedtime! Not before you had your dinner cigars! Grrrr!”

“Permission denied,” Shining said. When everyone stared at him in confusion he gestured at Pinkie. “She was doing so bad I needed some way to end it.”

Celestia stumbled over to the table and grabbed a sandwich, inhaling it before speaking. “No luck finding my Fishy Daddy.”

“That sounds really sexual,” Twilight complained.

Cadence nodded. “Yeah… too much even for me.”

Derpy though merely grinned and threw up her foreleg. “So that just leaves Sunset and Spike along with Rarity and Discord! I wonder where they are…”

~MC~MC~MC~

Discord groaned, blinking his red rimmed eyes. “Wha…” In the pony form he’d taken to disguise himself (which Rarity kept eyeing up and cuddling against and one time accidently begun to lick while murmuring sexual acts that would make Cadence blush) he apparently had a lower tolerance for booze and was feeling the effects of the drinks he and Rarity had had at the party in Canterlot. “What… what is-“

“Just say ‘I Do’, darling,” Rarity purred.

“I do?” the spirit of chaos questioned.

“Mosel Tov! I now pronounce you stallion and mare!” the pony rabbi declared. It was only then that Discord realized that Rarity was wearing a fluffy white wedding dress. “You may kiss the-“

Rarity grabbed Discord’s cheeks and forced him into a kiss that made his tail curl.

~MC~MC~MC~

Sunset looked about the Everfree Forest nervously, chewing on her bottom lip. While she knew that during the days of Celestia and Luna’s reign much of the Everfree had been quite safe (as it hadn’t become truly wild and untamed until the Castle of the Two Pony Sisters had been abandoned in favor of Canterlot Castle) there were still vast areas that were rather dangerous to be in. And from the map she had consulted before leaving with Spike… they were right now in one of the deadliest sections of the forest. Even compared to how the Everfree was in the present this section was far more dangerous with a body count that made her shudder. One could chalk that up to more ponies living in the Everfree in the past but still, it didn’t make her feel any better.

“My biggest problems used to be gossip and homework,” Sunset muttered to herself nervously. “Now I have to worry about savagely being torn to bits…”

“Would you calm down?” Spike said with a dismissive smile and wave of his clawed hand. “Everything is going to be just fine. Besides, we’re on the right path, I just know it.”

“How can you be so sure that this is where Tydal is?” Sunset demanded in a low voice, the chirping and hooting of the forest making her cringe. “This isn’t even on the list the Doctor or the Princesses made of where he might be!”

“Yeah but they were only thinking about the stereotypes when it comes to Tydal.” Spike shrugged in a cocky sort of manner. “And hey, I get it… Tydal is a murderous, blodthirsy, violent, anger-prone, murderous, short-tempered, hasty, wrathful, murderous, hateful-“

“You said murderous three times.”

“He’s that murderous,” Spike said simply.

“You do remember that I love him very much, right?” Sunset said dangerously. “And talking smack about him-“

“Okay, okay,” Spike said, turning and holding his claws out in a pacifying manner. “Listen… he is all those things, sure. He’s a War God and a fighter and all that. But everypony has forgotten a key aspect to him and that’s why we won’t ever find him going by the Princesses’ ideas.”

“And what is this key thing?” Sunset asked only for Spike to suddenly pick up the pace, hurrying off the trail they were on and diving into a bush. He stuck his hand out and motioned for her to join him and Sunset sighed, wondering how she’d gone to worrying about what leather jacket to wear (‘Hmmm… maybe I should add a leather jacket to my outfit…’) to running about the forest at night diving into bushes. “I swear Spike if this is some joke I will punch you so hard in the stomach you’ll void yourself.”

“If you want me to pee out caramel all you have to do is ask.”

“…what?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Spike said, waving off her concern. “Look over there.” Pushing the branches of the bush apart slightly Sunset peered through the foliage to see a rustic cottage sitting in a clearing. A few candles were flickering in the windows and she could make out the shadow of a mare moving about from room to room.

“Wait… I recognize this place.” Sunset swallowed. “This… this is the orphanage I grew up in before Celestia picked me to come to her school.” She leaned forward in surprise. “Its so much smaller than I remember.”

Spike nodded. “Yup. It serves Ponyville, Ponytown, and Ponyslum in our time. In the past though it only dealt with Ponytown; they didn’t expand it to the size you remember until 911 CE. This is the very first Everfree Orphanage.” Spike looked up at her and his smile dropped a little. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” sunset said, jaw working. “Just… I know a lot of orphans have bad memories of places like this but for me this was my first home. I was a foal when I was left here so I never knew any place other than it for a long time. I have… a lot of happy memories.” Gathering herself she turned to Spike. “Why are we here though? You said we’d missed something about Tydal… what does my old orphanage have to do with him?”

Spike looked up at the moon, considering its position. “Why did Tydal end up here in the past?”

“Tirek sent him here,” Sunset said automatically.

“No, Tirek was the how. Why did he end up here?”

“I don’t understand.”

Spike though shifted gears. “What do you know of the history of this place?” When Sunset didn’t answer he sighed. “Didn’t you ever think it odd that they had an orphanage just inside the Everfree? Doesn’t seem that safe.”

“We never had any problems…” Sunset said before looking down at Spike in surprise. “Why didn’t we have problems? Ponyville is on the outskirts and gets attacked all the time… Mayor Mare doesn’t even bother to change the ‘Days Since Last Attack From Everfree’ sign. But I grew up never even seeing a bat!”

“I looked up the history of this place in the Tardis,” Spike said, pausing when snarls filled the air. Sunset froze but Spike continued on, voice low. “They used to have problems with Timberwolves… lost a lot of lives to them at the start. But then, suddenly, all reports of attacks stopped. For over a thousand years not a single attack. The timberwolves avoided this place. And it all can be traced to one day. Before it this place was just as much in danger as any other. After it? Not a single creature from the Everfree dared to step into its borders.”

Sunset leaned forward only to jerk back when a massive timberwolf stalked into the clearing, three more joining him as they slowly prowled towards the orphanage. The mare’s silhouette that Sunset had seen before left the window and after a moment the door opened and an old mare with her hair in a bun stepped out, nervously holding a shovel in her hooves. Through the windows Sunset could see the frightened faces of fillies and colts, too scared to duck away as they spotted the salivating timberwolves fanning out around the building. She sparked her horn, ready to leap forward, but Spike forced her to stop.

The fillies and colts within were easy prey. They were small.

“Why did the timberwolves stop? Why did they never attack again? Why did Tydal end up in the past? One reason.”

They were weak.

One of the timberwolves reared back and the head of the orphanage steeled herself for the attack.

They were-

A snarl filled the air, much deeper and older than the wolves.

-protected.

Leaping out of the undergrowth a large form struck one of the crouching timberwolves hard, sending it toppling side over side. The other beasts snarled and snapped their jaws but the gray and green figure rose up, snorting in challenge as he narrowed his eyes. No magic sparked from his horn and his body still bore the scars and wounds from his last great battle but still he moved in front of the orphanage, placing himself between the fillies and colts within and the salivating monsters. His once neatly trimmed beard was now a long tangle mass of hair that covered all of his lower face, framing his grim visage even as he glanced towards the orphanage and the startled mare that guarded it. One eye was cloudy white with a gouge running through it and along his neck were deep scars while part of his main fin had been torn away. And still this capricorn, batter and bruised and torn apart as he was, placed himself between the beasts and the innocents. He was horribly thin, his ribs visible to all and his face gaunt, and yet he still stood.

“Get inside,” he rumbled, his voice cracking and filled with pain, pawing at the ground with one hoof, his scaly green tail swishing back and forth. “I swear on my life they will not harm you this night.”

And then, rearing back, Tydal let out a challenging roar that echoed through the forest.

The timberwolves answered back.

They swarmed him in seconds, snapping their jaws around his limbs. The old goat howled in pain but still fought back, kicking at them with his hooves and driving his head into their wooden skulls. One went for his throat only for Tydal to twist around, his fan-tail catching the beast in the throat and cutting his head from his neck. The body toppled into dry twigs and branches but he didn’t have time to admire his victory as still the other three were on his and Sunset gasped as she saw the ground become slick with his blood. He hadn’t recovered from his terrible battle, his magic still refilling, unable to even activate his immortal healing to bring him back to full strength. He’d been brought low, weaker than he’d ever been before.

But he was still Tydal.

He Who Held The Line.

Twisting his body he didn’t stop even as a chunk of his right back leg was taken out and one of his fins torn away. That only made him angrier and the God of War snarled and drove his hooves into the back of another timberwolf, shattering its spine and laying it low. Two down… but the biggest of them remained.

The smaller one went for his throat, forcing him to twist and turn to avoid the snapping jaws, but that merely led him into the larger one’s trap. Spike was forced to clamp his hands around Sunset’s jaws to keep her from screaming as the largest timberwolf sank his fangs into Tydal’s middle, shaking him hard and ripping deep gouges into his torso. Tydal thrashed but the massive timberwolf was old and smart and had experience in battle. With a violent snapping of its head it cracked Tydal’s skull against the ground and the capricorn let out a bellow of pain as blood trickled from his ears. The timberwolf shook him against before dropping him to the ground, placing his paws on Tydal’s form to pin him down before he lowered his jaws and took a great bite out of his stomach, blood gushing down as the God of the Sea feebly twitched, watching as the timberwolf began to eat him alive. He hadn’t recovered enough, his magic hadn’t returned to full strength and he’d only caused it to dwindle down further with his rash attack. With time he would have become strong again, the Elder he truly was, but now his magic was out of his reach, leaving him with flickering sparks that were slowly going out. He’d rushed in and now he was paying the final price. It was time to give in, to give up, to-

Tydal’s head rolled to the side and he locked eyes with a sobbing, fearful filly who watched him through the window.

“You are very old and very powerful... but also very kind… That is who you truly are. You are the god of war because you, and only you, can wage war that brings peace… And when you are very old and very kind... you don't just stand around while the little girls cry.”

The very last embers of his magic EXPLODED from his wounds as he shattered the timberwolf’s jaw.

Lashing out violently Tydal punched the timberwolf in the face before leaping to his hooves and savagely swinging his tail again and again, hacking off pieces of the monstrous timberwolf and forcing it stumbling back. But that didn’t matter to Tydal who began to use his own jaws to tears hunks off the creature, ripping him apart bit by bit. The other wolf coiled himself to launch an attack on the orphanage but Tydal whipped around and trembling with rage bellowed a wordless warning that caused the beast to freeze. The reprieve for the larger wolf was short for he returned to him with his attacks redoubled, thrashing and hacking away at it until the dark magic that held the beast together finally began to crumble. Tydal grit his teeth and pawed at the ground before rushing forward.

“Glory to the Mareatine… Long! Live! Equestria!” He roared, cloaking himself it what little magic he had left as he bulldozed into the massive timberwolf, utterly shattering the magic holding the beast together and causing pieces of it to rain down all around him. He stumbled to a stop, completely depleted.

Tydal turned, teeth bared and eyes wild with wrath, and the final wolf whimpered, cringing into a small ball before darting away, yipping as he fled.

Taking a breath only to begin coughing Tydal slowly turned his head towards the orphanage, his eyes going dull as he weakly pressed his foreleg to his side, grimacing as he felt his intestines hanging from the holes that had been torn out of his belly. He winced but forced himself to hide it, not wanting to traumatize those within more than they were. They needed him to be the hero… one last time.

“They won’t… bother you again.”

He had no idea how right he was.

Ignoring the mare calling out if he needed aid, knowing that if he went in there he’d never leave and he would not have them deal with that terrible sight, Tydal stumbled back towards the treeline, his steps stuttering and slipping, the former from pain and the latter due to the blood that gushed from his wounds. He’d burned out his magic, which had already dwindled thanks to his battle with Tirek, and now he had none left to even hope to keep his blood flowing through his veins. With time it would have refilled and returned to him… but he did not have even seconds. Everything ached and he could feel his heart slowing as he pushed himself to go just a few steps farther, out of sight. To be alone, unseen. Let them remember him as he had been… and let him not burden them with his final moments. He just needed to lie down. To rest. Close his eyes. Yes… close his eyes. He pitched forward. A perfect dea-

He gasped as a beam of magic hit him, enveloping him. But rather than pain he felt comfort and relief and when he looked down he watched in surprise as the blood slowly oozed back into him before the wounds he’d received stitched themselves up. His limbs twitched as cracked and broken bones snapped back into place and the weariness that had filled his veins and had become an old friend for over a year of being a silent protector of the pony race disappeared. It wasn’t as good as his own godly healing but for the first time since before Tirek he didn’t ache with every step. It was enough to get him by, to recover and recharge, and perhaps return to what he should be.

He turned, following the path of the magic… and he wondered in that moment if his Mother had come to offer him a final bit of relief before he passed on from the world. A vision of home and family before his spirit faded away.

But then the orange figure locked eyes with him, tears rolling down her cheeks. And he knew she was real.

“Sunset?”

The mare cried out and rushed to him, Tydal catching her and pulling her into a tight hug.

“It’s me grandpa… it’s me…” she whimpered, running her hooves along his coat. “I’m here… I found you!” She couldn’t stop the tears and she didn’t want to… because she’d done what she hadn’t been able to do when he’d stood alone against Tirek.

She’d saved him.

Sunset began to cry harder, shaking in his grasp and he murmured softly to her, her words slurring as she hiccupped and lost her breath. She refused to let go, to ever leave his side again.

“How?” Tydal whispered after a while.

It took her a moment to calm herself enough to answer. “The Squad and Twilight and her friends… we got the Doctor’s Tardis and came back. We’re all here, looking for you! Spike figured it out… he realized where you were…” She buried her head into his chest and could say no more, merely murmuring his name over and over, wondering just what might have happened if it hadn’t been for the baby dragon.

Tydal looked back from Sunset towards the purple dragon who waved bashfully. “So… uh… does this make us even for Wiggles?”

Looking down at Sunset the old goat shook his head. “No… no, I think not.” He smiled even as a tear rolled down his cheek. “Not even … I am in your debt.” He motioned Spike to come forward and the baby dragon hurried over, hugging Sunset as she continued to sob in relief. Tydal shut his eyes and held Sunset close, pressing his head to hers while his other foreleg patted Spike on the back.

They did not let go of each other for a very long time.

Bedside Manners

Celestia smacked her lips as she left what had been designated as her bedroom on the Tardis, a gleam in her eye and a bounce in her step as she cantered towards the kitchen to get some breakfast. “Good morning, Applejack!” she said cheerfully as she made her way to the kitchen counter and used her magic to pull out some instant batter and a griddle.

“You seem happier than a sheep on sheerin’ day after winnin’ a cloud look-a-like contest!” the farm pony said, happily munching on a bowl of apple-spiced oats (she dare not try anything not apple-flavored, lest Granny find a way to teleport in time and buck her for betraying the family).

“I… don’t quite know how that works in measurement standards but yes, I am in a very good mood!” Celestia proclaimed, measuring out a scoop of instant batter into a mixing bowl.

“Oh, I can explain it, if ya are interested!” Applejack said happily, taking off her hat and pulling out a scroll. “Twi and I worked it out… see, baseline would be a pony goin’ for a trot when there were a few clouds in the sky and it weren’t quite warm but also not quite cold. Next up we have a cow gettin’ a new fence post right before they were able to dance with a ladybug. That’s naturally followed up by a chicken discoverin’ two pounds of seed in a one pound sack while a goose plays the fiddle.” AJ snickered. “Twi thought about putting that ahead of two peanuts warmin’ in a sack of sugar but that’s just crazy talk!”

“Yes… yes it is,” Celestia with a humoring smile, pouring the now sticky batter onto the griddle before snagging some candied pears from the pantry and slicing them up.

“You ain’t thinkin’ of puttin’ them things on whatever ya be makin’, are ya?”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Yes….”

Applejack screwed up her face in disgust as Shining Armor walked in, his mane a mess. “Ugh. To each their own I guess but ain’t no way I’d ever be even connected to a pear!”

Shining and Celestia suddenly looked around.

“Uh… what are ya doin’?” AJ asked.

Shining frowned. “I had the sudden feeling that Wall Breaker was going to teleport in to make a comment. It’s gone now, not to worry.” He let out a yawn and poured himself a bowl of Lucky Charms (not everything has to have a pony pun). “Sorry,” he said, yawning again, “Cadence kept me up all night.”

“I bet she did!” Rainbow Dash said with a laugh, zooming in and grabbing the blender to make herself a breakfast smoothie. “I bet you to were up real late… “rearranging furniture”.” She snickered.

~6 Hours Earlier~

“Cadence, please, I just want to go to sleep!” Shining complained, lying on the bed and clutching a pillow around his head.

“But the bed is right under the air vent, Shining!” Cadence complained. “I can’t go to sleep if I have cold air blowing on me!” She lifted a chair and considered where to put it before placing it back where it had been.

“Then just move the bed to the other side of the room!” he whined.

“But then we are too close to the door and I can hear Pinkie going to the bathroom again…”

KABOOM!

“…and apparently going Number 2 is reason to celebrate with her party cannon.”

“LOOK AT HOW BIG IT IS! WOOOOO!”

Shining stomped towards the bathroom. “I’m going to sleep in the tub!”

~Present time~

“Well, at least you’re in a good mood, Princess,” Rainbow Dash said just as Luna walked in, also with a spring in her step. “And so are you! What’s up, you two get lucky or something?”

“No,” Discord said as he entered, a look of bafflement on his face as he stared at the wedding ring on his finger. “But I might have… last night was a blur.” He snapped his fingers and summoned some pizza for his breakfast… with pineapple (proving he truly was evil and shut up all those who like pineapple on pizza you are sick! Just sick! I swear I’ll-)

{Your Author Has Just encountered an error. Please stand by}

“As for my mood… it is very rare for me to be able to sleep in. In fact I honestly can’t remember the last time I was able to. Certainly not since I took control of the sun without one of our brothers or sisters around to assist.” Stacking her breakfast on her plate and then preparing her sister’s meal she trotted over to the table and began to layer the fruit, butter and syrup before taking up a knife and fork. “So even with my worry about Tydal… I was able to actually wake up when I wished.”

“The same is true for me,” Luna said, choosing some whip cream and chocolate sprinkles. “I haven’t-“

"I love pancakes, I love pancakes, it makes me a happy Tia. Their so yummy in my tummy, nom nom nom nom nom!"

The gathered group stared at Celestia as she continued to sing her song, drizzling syrup on her pancakes.

“She… still does that?” Discord asked, his worry over the growing realization that Rarity had date raped him fading away as the sun goddess wiggled in delight as she ate her breakfast.

“Every. Single. Day.” Luna muttered before eating her food in a more dignified manner.

“On the plus side at least she doesn’t have Twilight’s Brownie Face,” Shining stated.

Everyone quickly murmured in agreement even as Twilight stepped into the kitchen and, seeing their squirming, narrowed her eyes. “You are talking about me and brownies again.”

“…noooooo?” Rainbow drawled out.

“I don’t do anything weird when I eat a brownie,” she said firmly. “I never have any weird faces! Especially with food! So just-“

Shining reached into the fridge and pulled out a bowl.

“Puuuuddddddddinnnnngggg!” Twilight said, eyes wide and a truly unearthly smile stretching her face.

“That will replace the whale in my nightmares,” Rainbow whispered in horror.

“…sure you don’t make faces,” Discord said, everyone save for Celestia agreeing (the white alicorn was too busy humming to herself as she savored her pancakes).

Twilight glowered but then took a breath, calming herself, mentally doing her soothing mantra (‘You are Twilight Sparkle. You are the greatest organizer in all of Equestria. Babies do NOT scream in fear when you eat a brownie, they are screaming for other reasons. You are Twilight Sparkle…’) before clearing her throat. “Now then, while I am happy to see everypony is in a good mood I do think we need to begin discussing our search patterns for today.” As she spoke Fluttershy and the Doctor walked in, with Derpy and Dinky close behind (and one guess what they decided to get for breakfast). “Now, we need to expand the areas we look, as its clear that Lord Tydal has moved beyond what we expected. We also can’t rule out that some pony has taken him… either of his free will or against.”

“They will die if they dared to do that,” Luna said, eyes going into dragon-like slits, Celestia pausing from her happy humming to nod in dark agreement.

“We can’t determine if that is true or not, but we have to plan just in case.” Reaching into her saddle bag she pulled out a map of Old Equestria and held it up for all to see. “Celestia, I am thinking you and Rainbow could head into Cloudsdale and check to see if he headed up there. I doubt it but we can at least scratch that off the list.”

“Perfect,” Celestia said with a grin, glancing at Rainbow. “Remember that bar Bonebreaker suggested? We could swing by there before heading up.”

“I think I was blacked out when he suggested that…” Rainbow said nervously.

“Luna, I want you and Cadence and Pinkie to hit up the location of the Crystal Empire. I know it’s already disappeared at this point but we can still check. Lord Tydal, you and Sunset can head to Mount Aris. The hippogriffs should still be around and watching the waters so they may have spotted him.”

“Will do,” the capricorn stated, giving a weak salute as he limped into the kitchen. One eye was swollen shut and his new scars mingled with his own but he still managed to salute. “Can I stop at a barber first? I need to shave this down.” He gestured at his beard and then noticed Sunset glaring at him. “And I guess I should get medically checked out.”

“We’re kind of on a tight schedule to find you, Lord Tydal, so-“

Twilight paused, blinking as she registered what she’d just said… and to who.

Everyone else caught up seconds later.

“Daddy?” Luna whispered.

“Hi baby girl,” Tydal whispered huskily.

The screams and cheers as he was swarmed filled the Tardis.
The God Squad: Equestria’s Mightiest Immortals
Episode 6: Bedside Manners

~Two Days Later in Tydal’s Keep…~

Celestia, Luna, Discord, Shining, Cadence, Chrysalis, and Sunset all gathered around in Tydal’s room, the War God lying on his stone bed as the doctor looked him over. When they’d returned from the past (with the Doctor pleasantly surprised they hadn’t altered the timeline… he’d been far too ready for somepony to do something stupid and cause the time stream to begin leaking) they arrived in Ponyville hoping to move quietly back to Canterlot and get Tydal checked over. While Sunset had managed to rip him away from the jaws of death Tydal was still far too week for one of the Elder Gods and the Squad knew that they needed to get him checked out. Even Twilight and her friends had been able to tell from the way he was walking and the deep bite-marks that marred his body that the old goat was putting on a brave face but was clearly in a tremendous amount of paint.

The Squad waved goodbye to the Hooves family and Twilight and the Twiletes (“We aren’t called that,” Rarity had said dryly when Cadence suggested it) and been ready to summon the royal chariot when…

~Two Days Earlier…~

“Are you sure I can’t just pop us up to the castle?” Discord asked, wiggling his fingers. “Would take a second…”

“No,” Celestia said firmly, looking down at Tydal who was lying on a bench, grumbling a touch at being treated like a fragile doll but also so weak he couldn’t stop them from doing just that. “We’re lucky traveling through time didn’t aggravate his wounds but I won’t risk any magic, be it chaos or my own, affecting what Sunset did. We’ll have some actual doctors look him over first, make sure he is okay.”

“He is lying right here,” Tydal complained. “And he also thinks bacon is the cure for what ails him.”

Chrysalis held up a foreleg. “If it was a well loved pig I second the motion.” Cadence opened her mouth but Shining shut her jaw before she could make her comment.

“You can eat once we have you checked out-“

She paused when she felt the ground tremble.

“Earthquake?” Shining asked, looking around.

“Volcanic eruption?” Cadence said nervously.

“Bulk Bicep doing jumping jacks?” Luna postulated.

The ground trembled again and cracks formed right in front of them… before there was an explosion of dirt and Zeena, Goddess of the Earth and Lady of Zebrica, burst from the ground and landed in front of them, standing before the shocked citizens of Ponyville.

“TYDAL!” she cried out, rushing over to him and asked a thousand questions at once. Before it could register on the citizens of Ponyville that the biggest zebra any of them had ever seen was hugging the rather grumpy goat-fish that was prone to appearing there were twin blasts of wind, one from the east and another from the west, and upon them flew Fuzzy Thinker and Polar Vortex.

“Oh, my dear baby brother,” Fuzzy, God of the Winds and Knowledge, said with a smile, taking off his half-moon glasses and cleaning them before hurrying over and mussing up the capricorn’s mane. The capricorn glared at the old griffin but the teacher merely smiled. “You have returned from the Next Great Adventure.”

“BIG BROTHER!” Polar, God of the Tundra and Craftsmenship, bellowed out in utter delight. He unsheathed his swords and tossed them into the air, catching them with a laugh. “Only you! Only you brother could cheat death so! I swore I would slay Tirek in your name but now we will do it together, da?”

Tydal looked at the rest of the Squad. “Someone mind telling me how news traveled so fast? I thought you said you came to get me right after the battle.”

“Everyone felt you disappear,” Discord informed him. “It made us think you were dead.”

“Everyone?” Tydal asked… and they all heard the dull rumble coming from every direction.

Then the ponies of Ponyville began to scream.

Looking around the Squad suddenly saw a stampede of their brothers and sisters, as well as said siblings’ children and grandchildren, rushing towards them in all directions, crying out the old goat’s name. Ponies cried out as all manner of hybrid creatures, massive representatives of species, and creatures they’d never encountered before bullrushed through the streets of Ponyville, causing the largest gathering of immortals the world had seen since Zeena had thrown a Hot Dog Eating Contest.

“Attention and being coddled,” Tydal said dryly as several gods all began to get close and ask him questions. “So nice my family knows me so-AAAAAAAAACCCKKK!”

“MY BABY!” Tau Sunflare sobbed, grabbing Tydal and hugging him by the neck. Even the other gods were in shock as the creator of all things suddenly appeared and began to swing Tydal about by the throat, peppering his head with kisses.

“Mom… can’t… breathe!” Tydal gasped. “AAAACCKKK!!!! AAAACCCRRRGGGKKKK!!!”

~Present~

Once they’d managed to calm their extended family down and explain why they’d gone from sensing his disappearance to feeling his weakened form echoing across the immortal plan the entire family had begun to offer their help in getting him back on the path of recovering. This had naturally led to a state of emergency in Ponyville for most (such as a trio of flower-loving ponies) to big business (Sugarcube Corner could now buy a college for Pumpkin and Pound… not tution, an actual college). For his elder brothers and sister he was the baby of the family, the youngest of the Elders and thus in need of coddling. For all the younger gods and goddesses he was the favorite big brother who had always looked out for them and thus they were in a near panic that he was so weak. For his nieces and nephews he was a legendary hero who had been missing for much of their lives and they didn’t want to miss an opportunity to meet him. Calls for donating magic, offers of care, and hundreds of different suggestions of how to get him better filled the air.

Zeena wanted him to return to Zebrica and be looked over by the witch doctors. Polar wanted to perform battle field surgery on him. Fuzzy’s great granddaughter Gertrude, the white griffin goddess of winter and feasts, had brought up a full list of soups and filling foods to get his weight back up, as she didn’t like how his ribs were visible; Tydal had admitted that he hadn’t been eating well during his time in the past and she’d demanded use of the nearest kitchen to make him a fitting lunch. Searstrike, the winged panther god of summer, had believed that Tydal needed to work out and get his blood pumping while they forced magic into him. Mary Sue had arrived once settling the Doctor and his family at home to suggest they just rewrite reality to make Tydal all better, or at least create a Deus Ex Machina; she also mentioned something about transporting him to a fanfic where no one died but that was ignored. Their mother had gotten done hugging Tydal before wishing him good luck, giving him a butterscotch candy, and disappearing where she came from. So on and so on.

Finally Celestia had done the only thing she could think of to get everyone, including Tydal, on the same page.

She’d summoned Merida.

After Tydal’s wife had cursed all of them out until she’d actually begun to invent new curse words for not contacting her FIRST she’d glared at her husband, called him a sackless gob for daring to abandon her and fight alone, kissed him tenderly, and finally declared that they were taking him home and she would then consider all suggestions. When Fuzzy and Zeena had protected Merida had reminded them that she was his wife and outruled them all. The younger gods had quickly agreed and that was that.

Luna and Celestia had been drafted to go through all their ideas before settling on a select few of their family to stay and help, the rest told they would keep them informed but for now they needed to make sure the world kept running. Gertrude had taken over the kitchens of the Keep with Coral, declaring that she would not only make Tydal a diet plan that would bring him back up to full strength but also get some meat on the bones of everyone in the Keep. Polar’s son Arctic Blast was handling patrols with a few of the other younger gods and goddess so that Merida, Coral, and Misty could care for Tydal. Mary Sue had volunteered to stay and babysit Giggles, none wanting the little zebracorn filly to see her daddy so hurt. Celestia and Luna had decided to call in another one of Fuzzy’s family, his son Piercing Hawkeyed, the God of Medicine, to look over the old goat.

The lean tall griffin pulled Tydal’s scarred eye open, the wound already MUCH better than it had been when Sunset had found him, before applying some cream to it. “Well, I’m afraid to tell you that… I’ll never be able to play the piano again.”

Cadence frowned. “Don’t you mean Tydal can’t play the piano again?”

“No, I meant me! Haha!”

Tydal glared at his nephew. “Permission to kill?”

Shining frowned. “He’s ensuring you live.”

“Remember, you said live, you didn’t say anything about him enjoying it!” Piercing said with a laugh, pouring himself from Griffish Gin.

“I’ll risk it,” Tydal said darkly.

“Denied,” Shining said, shaking his head before smiling. “I missed this.”

“Aw, don’t be like that, Uncle!” Piercing said with a smirk. “In a few minutes my Bipolar disorder will kick in and I’ll be maudlin and depressing.”

“…but you’re saying I still have to deal with your cackling buffoonery until then?” He tried to get up but Chrysalis forced him to lie back down. “I have to stay in bed, I’m off solid food, I can’t murder annoying doctors… it’s almost like fighting deranged magic stealing centaurs is a bad idea.”

“It… is…” Luna said, fighting the urge to smack him upside the head. “You ever go after someone like that and I will make you WISH Tirek finished you off!” She leaned over him, glaring… before laying her head on his chest. “We can’t lose you again.”

Tydal sighed before reaching up and stroking her mane.

“So Piercing, what’s the verdict?” Celestia asked.

“Guilty,” Piercing said before cackling and drinking his booze.

Shining glanced at Cadence. “Are we sure he is our best bet to get him back to normal?” The unicorn considered his words. “Well, normal for him.”

“Hey, I suggested sexual healing and all of you prudes told me that orgies in hospital beds aren’t classy!” She folded her forelegs over her chest. “I am never going to finish my banging list.”

“Don’t you mean Bucket List?” Sunset asked. Cadence opened her mouth and the pale orange held up a hoof. “Nevermind, remembered who I was talking to.”

“I also had a bucket list,” Cadence said, sticking her nose in the air. “But I finished that.”

“Wait for it…” Discord whispered.

“I banged every bucket on that list… my pelvis was so sore…”

“And there it is,” Discord said, Sunset snorting in response.

Celestia though merely smiled, looking at the sundial on Tydal’s dresser. “3…2…1…”

Piercing’s smile suddenly fell and his shoulders slumped. “The world is nothing but pain and misery. All we do is kill each other and now I’m asked to save the embodiment of war. When will the killing end?”

“We have about 5 minutes of this before he’s back to being a jackass,” Celestia stated. “Let’s make it count. Piercing, what do we do for Tydal?”

“Other than wonder if life is worth living when the world is filled with pain?” the griffin’s shoulders slumped even as he walked over to his bag and pulled out a bottle of pills. “These will help stimulate his natural healing. And I’d like for at least one of you to cast a healing spell on him every 6 hours until he’s regenerated enough that his own magic can take care of it. That will have the benefit of allowing his powers to return to full strength. I’d say he’ll be in bed for about a week and then he can begin exercising again.”

“Thank you Piercing.”

“Life is nothing more than a cycle of misery-“

Discord snapped his fingers and sent Piercing right back to Griffland. “What? I can’t be the only one tried of the whiny preaching.”

“So suicide is painless,” Coral sang as she trotted past the room. “It brings on many changes…”

“So…” Chryrsalis said, reaching over and snagging the pills Piercing had left behind, “we keep watch to make sure Tydal stays in bed, we feed him some magic anal pills-“

“He did not say they went in there!” Tydal cried out.

“He didn’t say they didn’t either,” the changeling queen pointed out. “And in a week he is on the road to recovery?”

“Scars are already fading,” Luna pointed out. “Even to cool ones.”

Shining though wasn’t as optimistic. “So we have to keep down an angry war god who never listens to directions when it comes to his own safety and health?”

Tydal opened his mouth to complain about Shining’s insults… only to snap his mouth shut and nod in agreement.

Before anyone could comment further they heard a wooshing sound and turned as one to see, of all things, a flying carpet zoom into the room, flying about before finally setting near Celestia.

“Okay, so I’m still getting used to being back in Equestria,” Sunset stated, “but I am right in thinking that is odd even for us, right?”

“Very odd,” Shining stated, tilting his head.

“Odd but very nice!” Cadence stated with glee. “Shiny, I want carpets like that in our living room!”

“Derpy certainly lost weight,” Tydal said, tilting his head.

Celestia though merely smiled and lit up her horn, pulling free a letter than had been carefully stitched onto the rug, snapping the threads free and bringing it up for her to read. “It’s not that odd for me. This is how messages are commonly sent in Saddle Arabia.”

“So they send messages via carpets?” Shining Armor stated, reaching out and pocketing the carpet, which twitched and wiggled away. “Is it just an enchantment or…”

Luna shook her head. “no they are sentient. Brought to life, yes, but once brought into being they are alive like you or me.”

Sunset frowned, slowly circling around the carpet. “So are they like mailmares or something? Or more like messenger pigeons? Just how smart are they?”

“Average intelligence, dedicated to their jobs,” Celestia stated.

Cadence beamed. “OH! So they are the Spikes of Saddle Arabia!”

Discord snickered. “More that Spike is a glorified Magic Carpet.”

~Meanwhile, in Ponyville…~

Spike suddenly looked up from his cleaning, glowering slightly though he didn’t know why, before going back to his tasks.

~Back at Tydal’s Keep~

“Oh dear,” Celestia said, browsing through the letter.

“What’s wrong?” Shining asked.

Tydal grunted, shifting in his bed. “Nothing. She always sounds super worried when she gets wonderful news.”

Shining rolled his eyes while Sunset leapt up onto the bed and placed her head on Tydal’s chest, keeping him from rising up any more. Celestia, for her part, scanned the letter one more time before speaking. “What does it say, Princess?”

“It’s a message from Prince Haakim and Princess Amira, the chosen delegates of Saddle Arabia.”

Sunset held up a hoof. “I assume since they didn’t show up when we got back that we aren’t related to them.”

“Correct,” Celestia said. “There are plenty of kingdoms and countries where our blood does not flow and they are one of them.”

“Also not one where I made blood flow,” Tydal said with a shiver.

“You okay?” Cadence asked, concerned.

“Sorry, just thinking about marching through that desert. Ugh.” His tail swished as he remembered the last time he’d gone into the sands… and how he’d nearly ended up a fish stick. Discord, feeling some pity for his brother, summoned some cool packs and placed them on the tail, Tydal’s movements stilling as he laid down in relief.

Shining cleared his throat. “So what does the letter say, Princess?”

“Haakim and Amira say that there is issues with one of the city-kingdoms of Saddle Arabia… rumors of unrest and corruption. Of dark magic and vile spells. They have sent aides to investigate but been unable to determine the problem… and are requesting our aid.”

“You mean Equestria?” Luna asked.

“I mean the God Squad.”

All of those gathered blinked.

“Are they bucking insane?!?” Sunset exclaimed. “No offense, I know I’m the newest member of our little group… but when I think of ‘saviors’ I don’t think of us! Heck, from what I’ve heard when we are involved in a mission the ‘saviors’ are the ones rushing out to fix our messes.” She waved wildly at Discord. “I had lunch with the God of Chaos yesterday!”

“…it was still a good lunch though, right?” Discord asked, tapping his fingers together.

Sunset flashed him a smile. “It was very nice, thank you. I forget that it’s hard to get actual bacon cheeseburgers in Equestria.” She ignored the disgusted looks Celestia, Luna, Shining, and Cadence sent her way.

“She does have a point,” Chrysalis pointed out. “I mean three of us were major threats to Equestria’s safety… four if you count alternate realties.”

“Five if you count my rampages,” Tydal pointed out before coughing a bit, Celestia using her magic to bring over a glass of honey tea which he drag from deeply.

Satisfied that the Sea God was fine Celestia turned to the group and continued. “Well, they are still asking for our help. They state that our outsider status and our… less than orthodox methods… may be the perfect solution to their problem.” She paused and gave them all a sly look. “Sometimes one needs a cunning mind and a daring hero to solve a problem. Other times they need a puckish rogue.”

“I like that… I am now a puckish rogue!” Discord declared, snapping his fingers and causing himself to appear wearing a green and yellow body suit, a brown leather jacket, and a bushy brown wig with a streak of white running through it. “Howdy sugah,” he said with a southern accent.

“So we’re going to Saddle Arabia, huh?” Chrysalis said. “I’ll need a new floppy hat and sunglasses.”

Luna though shook her head. “I’m afraid not all of us will be going this time.”

“What do you mean?”

The Moon Goddess gestured down at Tydal. “For one you aren’t going, daddy.”

Tydal grumped at that but then sighed. “Probably for the best… even if I weren’t as weak as a foal the sun and capricorns are-“

“Unmixy?” Sunset asked. Tydal looked at her in confusion and she smiled weakly. “I was a fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” She suddenly grinned. “We can get the human me to send us a tv and a dvd player and all the seasons! Binge party while you recover!”

“Okay,” Chrysalis stated, “so Tydal is out. But the rest of us-“

“I’m not going,” Sunset said firmly, setting back down next to Tydal and summoning a notepad to make a list of all she wanted her other self to send. “If I leave he is going to get up and do something stupid. I will keep him in line. Like I said, binging party!”

“Excuse me?” Tydal said, insulted by her comment.”You will keep me in line? I think you’ve forgotten who is the teacher here-“

“I know you’ll stay in bed and get better,” Sunset said, her eyes wide with shimmering tears, “because when you are very old… and very kind… you heal up and take your medicine when the little girls cry.”

Tydal stared at her with a look of absolute panic before flopping down onto the bed. “That…isn’t…fair.”

Shining cleared his throat and declared, “I hereby give Sunset Shimmer the same right to Deny you as I have.”

“THAT’S EVEN LESS FAIR!!!!” the capricorn whined before lowering his head down onto his bed, Sunset stroking his mane while sharing a nod with Shining Armor.

“Okay, so Tydal is out, obviously,” Chrysalis said, embarrassed she’d so quickly forgotten how injured the old goat-fish was. Yes, Piercing had said he could get up in a week… but that didn’t mean he would be back to full strength. She’d heard how Princess Luna, after burning through much of her magic after facing the Elements of Harmony, had been reduced much in size and it had taken nearly a month to get her back up to full strength… and height.

Which had apparently led to much humor on Celestia’s part…

~A few years ago…~

“This… isn’t… funny,” Luna complained as they moved through the castle, dangling from the baby carrier Celestia was wearing.

“Someone is grumpy… do you want some animal crackers?” She used her magic to wiggle a bag of the cookies in front of Luna’s face.

“No! …yes.”

~Present~

While Tydal had actually seen Piercing to speed along his recovery it would take a while for him to be back to full strength… especially since Discord, as eldest, had admitted to all of them that he wanted Tydal brought back not to the strength he’d had before facing Tirek but before the two of them had faced each other over 1500 years ago. Celestia and Luna hadn’t realized it but the old goat had never fully recovered from their battle and had been running around injured the entire time.

“And,” Chrysalis continued, “Sunset wants out which is fine. But the rest of us-“

Luna shook her head. “Tydal needs magic pumped into him. Every six hours, remember? Even with Merida, Coral, and Misty working together that will be VERY draining on them. We need more gods… us.”

“Besides,” Celestia stated, “Equestria is still dealing with Tirek’s attack. For us it’s been over a week… for them it was three days ago. We need to make sure that everyone is okay and that the damage caused by Tirek’s battles with Twilight and father are repaired.”

“So then a small number then?” Shining asked.

The royal pony sisters shared a nod before Luna spoke. “I had been considering such a thing for a while now, ever since we agreed to officially make The God Squad. All of us may be overkill in some situations and in others it would be wise to keep some back, to be ready to come in should things fall apart. For large and dangerous missions all of us can go but for something like this? A hoofful would be enough.”

Shining considered this before nodding. “I should go. I’ve only recently been made a god… I don’t even have wings yet… so I can’t help heal Tydal properly.”

Cadence quickly nodded. “The Crystal Empire can survive without Shiny and me for a week or two more… Tirek only did minor damage to us and many of my subjects weren’t that traumatized…”

~Three Days Ago~

Tirek cackled as he marched into the Crystal Empire, eyeing up the ponies that were lining the streets, staring at his large, muscular, powerful glory. Flexing slightly he continued forward, trying to decide what to do first. While it was annoying that the Crystal Princess wasn’t there the kingdom still presented a wonderful opportunity to strengthen himself…

“Hey there buddy,” a crystal pony said, tapping Tirek on the leg. “Can we help ya with somethin’?”

Tirek looked down, leering at the stallion. “I am Tirek and I have come to claim all your magic!”

“Okay there, guy. Ya want it now or would ya like ta go ta Timmies and get a double double and some Timbits first?”

“I… what?”

“We can give ya our magic first if ya’d rather have that first. That would give us some time to make up some maple sticks for ya to go. Do ya need some free medical care or legal weed before ya leave?”

“I… well yes, that would be nice. I was nearly starved only a few days ago.”

“Okay there buddy, just follow me.”

Tirek followed after him, bemused.

~Present~

“They even gave him a gift basket,” she muttered, her perky mood for once dropping.

Celestia nodded in approval before turning to Discord. “I also believe it is time to make you a full member, Discord.”

The god of chaos blinked. “Are you quite sure? After all, I’m not the savior type-“

“Blood thirsty capricorn, love thirsty changeling, Nightmare Moon, demon woman who enslaved teenagers… and I’m sure Cadence, Shining, or myself will do something evil soon enough.” She gave him a cool look. “Its time to grow up, brother.”

Discord sighed and looked at Shining and Cadence. “We are getting separate hotel rooms.”

“Of course,” Shining said quickly.

~Two Evenings Later…~

Shining laid in the hotel bed, a scowl on his face. “I thought you meant one room for yourself…”

Beside him Discord, wearing facecream and his hair in curlers, fluffed up his pillows.

Author's Note

Two quick things: if you haven't read Don't Fear The Reaper, my latest comedy one-shot, please do!

Second, welcome Gertrude, the white griffon of winter from the Eclipseverse created by CrowMagnon, to the Scootaverse!