Illicit Snacks

by tosety

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Princess Celestia, Human, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Lyra
Length: 3423

Human snacks are illegal. Thus, there is now a black market for snack food.

Human snacks have been part of our culture since the the portal to Earth opened. Popularized over the last 5 years by music and mass media, these human creations invade all aspects of society.
An estimated 208 thousand ponies internationally consume illegal snacks. In Equestria, results from the 1020 Holistic Oral Repast Section of Equine Fertile Engestable(sp) Equestrian Department showed that 19.9 thousand Equestrians (or 8% of the population aged 12 or older) used illegal snacks in the moon prior to the survey.

Vignette Contributions Credit Goes to:
http://www.fimfiction.net/user/DiscordsAdvocate
http://www.fimfiction.net/user/genuis101
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/warpd

Honorable Mention Goes to:
http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Techogre - For Contributing ideas

This is almost canon to Memverse

Published 2016-09-22 04:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-25 00:19:59 UTC

"The Pick Me Up" (by Warpd)

The old family grandfather clock chimed four times, Erebus’ eyes glazed over as she stared at her report. She could hear the bats outside feasting upon insects and fruit in the garden. The full moon lazily crossed the sky, not that the student cared.

“This is not working.” The drowsy mare pulled out a jar of peanut butter, took a spoonful out and chomped down. “Magons with trans- have a preferable upside spin for evocation and conjuration effects. No wait. That’s wrong. Ugh.”

Erebus’ thestral wings smacked together over her head. “I can’t do this. I need more energy. Test, papers, presentation, and an oral report all tomorrow.” Erebus check the clock. “Today. All today. What wicked pony created this schedule, and what did students to do earn her ire.”

She flicked her quarter empty peanut butter with a clawed wing. “Months, weeks, and sleepless nights. I still don’t feel ready.”

Failure was waiting.

“No. I can’t quit.” The thestral slammed her hooves on the table. “This is the biggest day of my life. Magons, chaons, and--”

Erebus promptly collapsed onto her desk. Drool dribbled onto her report as her ears twitched.

Three hours later, and 30 minutes late to school.

Bloodshot eyes, heavy breathing, and twitching wings, Erebus sat on a bench outside her next class. “That first test. I’m not going to survive today.”

An empty jar of peanut butter fell out of her saddlebag. “I’m out. I need a pick me up. This is going straight to tartarus. Unless…”

Erebus looked around, down the hall and up the stairs. Her horn glowed dark as if to perform a blasphemous ritual mimicking the dark arts of traitors from an ancient hedonistic age. A jar of Jif peanut butter popped into existence. “Well Mr. Jif the Human, your peanut butter will make or break me.” She then devoured the jar like a vampire on an unsuspecting colt.

Her eyes went wide, pupils dilated, wings outstretched.”Eeeeeeee!”

The jittery thestral headed off to her presentation. Twitching like a possessed mare.

“The War on Processed Foods” Part 1 (by Discord’s Advocate)

You sat down after your evening dinner, the Pony News Network was just finishing today’s weather. Finally, everypony’s favorite reporter, Lars Lars Pantsonfars started his show. It would always be a few minor segments of news, followed by one major long news segment about a very important subject.

“I am your host, Lars Lars Pantsonfars, and thank you for tuning in. For tonight’s program, we will be looking into the long-term effects the Elements of Harmony have had on debatably-human and celebrity, Donald Trump, the infamous creature who first stepped through the portal into Equestria, presumably because ‘he got dibs.’”

The segment displayed the image of a pig with a very nice toupee.

“As we all remember, the Elements of Harmony took one look at the creature stepping into the portal and presumed he was some evil beast invading their realm.”

The picture showed the well-dressed human being blasted by the Elements of Harmony before cutting to another image.

“For our second segment, we’ll be looking into the Equestrian space program, with an exclusive interview with Equestria’s first astronaut.”

You watch the screen cut to a preview of the interview with the famous ‘Rocketcolt.’

“Aaaaaaaaaagh!” he screamed into the microphone in sheer horror before running back into his house, the door slamming on its own, leaving several bewildered reporters looking at each other.

The screen cut back to Pantsonfars. “Ha ha ha. What a brave guy. But in our main segment, a in depth look into the war on human snacks.”

Dun dun duuuuun! The program sounded as it displayed a fiery computer graphic with the segment title.

As Pantsonfars spoke the background displayed several related clips of video footage. Blurred pictures of candy bars, coated candies, and a variety of melty delicious chocolates.

“It is still unknown how these highly restricted products are making their way onto Equestrian soil, despite measures to intercept smuggling through the portals.”

The segment displayed a picture of the portal to the human world as what was obviously two humans in a two-person horse-costume exited the portal. The lead human controlled the front legs and head, while the rear human controlled the back legs and barrel. They near-stumbled to the security checkpoint. The costume had a goofy face and unmatching scribbles on either flank displaying a mock cutiemark. The false horse carried two overstuffed saddlebags, one displaying an extra large roll of sweet-tarts sticking out the side. As it approached the guard whom normally inspect the bags, a hand reached out from the back end of the costume, giving a guard a Mars Bar before continuing through security uninhibited. In the corner of the screen, the words ‘A Dramatization’ were displayed unobtrusively.

“Truly a mystery. Like an invisible smuggling operation, and all we know is they are being found, consumed, distributed, and hoarded by ponies all over the nation.”

The segment then displayed everyday ponies from various backgrounds being caught by guard raids into their homes, by arrests on the street, and with one pegasus being chased in the sky as she consumed a 5th Avenue bar. A thestral being escorted off a college campus holding an empty jar of Jif peanut butter like her life demanded it after accidentally burning down the school building when she performed a live demonstration of her research.

“Of all the threats facing Equestria. From Changelings, Tirek, King Sombra, the Spice Girls reunion, this confectionary invasion may truly by the darkest days Equestria has ever faced. More after the break.”

You leaned in to watch today’s show. The ‘War on Human Snacks

"Chalk Is Not Love" (by Warpd)

Chrysalis smiled in her disguised form of Princess Cadence. This was the second time using this trick and once again it worked like a charm. A few winks, some strong words, and a glare put any questioning ponies in their place. “Took a long time to get you.”

Alone in the train car with a barrel for company, Chrysalis rubbed the rim of the contraband. “Took a lot of work to acquire you, but as always I pulled through.”

“Love, love, love. You are going to give me Equestria’s heart and soul. Truely, humans have the most insidious gifts. Valentines and Hearts and Hooves Day go together so well.” A wicked grin drew on her pink features. “The princesses forgot that humans have holiday themed sweets.”

“If this is how humans give love to each other, than ponies will be falling muzzle over hooves over this.” Chrysalis purred with sultry eyes as successful love collections played in her mind. “Are you sweet, are you tart, perhaps unique with every piece. Lead away mares, stallions, fillies, and colts to the sweet embrace of love filled candy.”

“I believe humans call it a honey trap.” Chrysalis tempted the lip.

A knock on the cabin got her attention as a young stallion cracked the door. “Hello. Is anyone back here?”

A velvet colored mare answered him. “Hello, just little old me back here. Please come join me.”

“Neat! It was kind of crowded up front with ponies giving me mean looks. I’m Caramel.” A bright smile flashed as he tilted his head.

“I’m Heart Throb. So sorry that you were having trouble up front, but you are more than welcomed to.” Chrysalis remembered that she a sizeable portion of her changelings taking up residence in the other box cars. “Please sit with me.”

“Surprised no other pony are in here.” Caramel sat down in the booth. “Heart Throb, you ok there?”

Heart Throb had the smile Caramel recognized from a mare that wanted something. “I am doing perfect.” Her horn glowed as the lock on the cabin switched to lock. “You, me, all alone.”

Caramel rubbed his forelegs together. “Oh. I see. I dunno. We did just meet. Wow.”

Chrysalis decided to try out her new secret weapon. She brought the candy out from behind and saw it for the first time. The simplicity of the heart shaped candy amused her. “A gift then to warm things up.”
“I’ve never seen this before.” Caramel accepted the gift not aware that he took a forbidden fruit. “Candy with words on it. It says, ‘Kiss Me’. That’s neat, candy with love words on it.”

“Take a bite, then do what it says.” Heart Throb restrained a toothy grin as Caramel popped the candy in his mouth.

Caramel chewed on it once, then slowly. “Do you have a better tasting one?”

“What.” Chrysalis said flatly.

“It’s kind of bad. Yeah, I’m going to need some water to wash that down. Bleh.” Caramel stuck out his tongue.

Chrysalis brought out another heart candy that read ‘Love’. “Defective? Here, try this.”

Caramel hesitated before taking it and biting a tip off. He spat it out. “Nope. That is some horrible stuff. Oh, wait. Sorry, did you make these. Here I am being the cruelest pony around making light of your hard work. I, um, yeah sorry. It’s not very good.”

She brought out another heart candy with ‘For U’, outside the horrible grammar which she ignored she chomped down. “This. This doesn’t taste like love. This isn’t love at all! What is this candy!?”

The entire barrel was taken out as the lid was thrown across the room. “Where did that barrel come from? In fact, how did I not see it before.”

“No. No. No. No!” The disguise melted away as the room wilted from her rage. “I lost contacts, drones, and territory for this. A barrel of..of…”

“Chalk?” Caramel said weakly from under the seat he was hiding in.

He was quite sure that the changeling queen had pupils, but for a brief moment he swore they had disappeared in a blank whiteness. Froth dripped from the corners of her mouth. “Chalk.”

Caramel slinked away, hugging the floor as he crawled. “I’ll be going now. You enjoy that candy.”

Princess Celestia watches a report given by one of her best journalists. Moving pictures made things so much easier. “So a few hours ago, we caught the changeling queen roaring in rage on top of the box car holding a barrel over her head.”

“She was throwing a barrel?” Princess Celestia watched as the changeling threw into the desert and blasted it mid flight, showering the land with what appeared to be candy. “I’m going to need some context.”

“This was what we found left from the scene. It appears to be some kind of human candy called Sweethearts.” Celestia picked up the candy offered to her. “Be Mine. Well that’s one way to ask me out.”

“Wait, what?”

“Saturday for lunch sounds good.”

"Lyra gets the goods" part 1 (by Tosety)

Lyra wobbled a bit as she stepped forwards, balancing on her hind hooves. Her forehooves were hidden by the sleeves of the trench coat and the mask of a human face hovered in her mint green aura an inch from her face.

“G’day mates,” She greeted the pony guards at the portal.

The guards nodded a greeting to her as she awkwardly walked past. “Have a nice trip back, Human McHumanface.”

Lyra stepped through the portal and felt the familiar magics toss her between worlds. She landed roughly on the human side of the portal and fell to all fours, her magical aura slipping and dropping her mask for a brief moment.

She quickly stood up and fixed the position of her mask. “How’s it hanging, homeboys?”

The guards stared in confusion.

“What?”

Lyra started sweating, afraid their confusion was evidence that her cover was blown. “Just, uh, crashing at my pad, ya smell me?”

The guards looked at each other as they both tried to figure out what to say.

“Tee Tee Eff En,” Lyra stammered out as she turned and walked as fast as her two legged balance allowed.

“Was that...” one guard asked carefully.

“A pony? Yeah,” the other guard replied.

“Was she talking slang at us?”

“I don’t even know anymore. I don’t think it’s healthy to question what those ponies do.”

Lyra approached her contact in the human world at one of their ‘farmer’s markets’.

“Hey, Sarah, I got the goods,” Lyra said in a whisper, opening her trenchcoat to reveal bunches of carrots and celery. “Equestrian grade, certified earth pony grown.”

Sarah facepalmed. “Quit acting suspicious. Just set the bag under the table.”

“You got the cash?” Lyra asked, pulling the trenchcoat closed.

“Of course. One hundred dollars for six pounds of carrots and four pounds of celery. Just hurry up and put them down. I don’t want a cop seeing you dressed like that.” She pulled five twenties out of her till and passed them over.

Lyra, having seen the cash for herself, busied herself getting the produce out of her coat and under Sarah’s table.

Lyra glanced around the aisle before quickly levitating several economy size boxes of single-serve doritos, chips, candy bars, and other assorted snack foods into her carriage.

A case of Coca-Cola rose into the air before falling a few inches as a case of Pepsi overtook it. The two warred in Lyra’s magical aura as she tried to decide.

“Buck it,” Lyra whispered to herself as she placed both into the carriage.

She stopped her rapidly filling cart as she spotted a jumbo bag of “Gummy Bears”. Her eyes widened and she reverently levitated the bag into the cart, not noticing the child staring at her from the end of the aisle.

The cashier watched the exceptionally strange pony ‘walk’ up to the register.

“Shalom,” Lyra greeted, waving a glove at the cashier before attempting to move her purchases to the belt.

After a few failed attempts, she lit her horn and used her telekinesis to assist her hooves in picking up the items.

The cashier tried to ignore the fact that the pony’s badly disguised hooves were a good three inches away from the purchases she was lifting as she rang up the purchase.

“So, how about that weather?” Lyra said, attempting small talk.

“Uhhh... sunny?” the cashier replied.

“Yeah, and those Lions! They’re doing great this season!” Lyra continued.

“Huh? I thought they lost to the Patriots.” The cashier countered. “Well, anyway, your total is $85.42.”

“Oh, uhm, yeah.” Lyra started sweating as she pulled out her bit purse and levitated her newly acquired cash.

The increasingly confused cashier accepted the money out of Lyra’s aura and proceeded to make the proper change.

An agitated Lyra took the change and receipt and galloped out of the store, carriage of snack food in tow behind her.

“I don’t feel like me.” (By Tosety)

“Hey, Great Chews...” a gangly, blue, earth stallion approached a grey unicorn tentatively.

The grey unicorn smirked as he nodded acknowledgement.

“You have any Snickers?” The earth stallion’s eyes shifted nervously, worried that somepony might see them.

“Not so loud!” Great Chews hissed.

The earth stallion rubbed a forehoof against the cobblestones. “Sorry! ...Sorry... I just need that caramel and peanuts and nougat...” A bit of drool escaped his lips.

“Hey, calm down, colt,” Great chews said comfortingly. “I got the goods, but the guard is cracking down, so payment’s gonna need to go up.”

“H-how much?” The stallion asked, visibly shaking.

“Three carrots a bar.” Great Chews replied flatly.

“Three?” The stallion’s eyes went wide with panic. “B-but I...”

Great Chews shook his head as the stallion started to cry. “Okay, okay. You act like a foal when you’re hungry, so, for you, two carrots.”

The stallion’s face lit up with appreciation and hope as he dug into his saddlebags and pulled out four carrots.

Great Chews looked around before taking them and hoofing over two bars.

Trembling, the stallion put one in his saddlebags and unwrapped the other. He closed his eyes and gave an appreciative moan as he took a bite and chewed.

“Better?” Great Chews asked.

The stallion smiled and looked at the sky in utter bliss. Some crumbs of peanutty caramel were quickly gathered by his tongue as he chewed. “Mmmmm. Better.” He said.

“Lyra gets the goods” part 2 (by TechOgre)

Lyra’s final stop was in a dark alley, marked only with a small maple leaf at pony eye level. This was the cherry on the sundae of this entire trip; rare northern candy. It was even illegal in this human country, and no wonder!

Big Turk, Coffee Crisp, Crispy Crunch, Neilson's Jersey Milk, Aero, Caramilk, Mr Big, Wunderbar. All this rarest of northern ambrosia. She considered keeping a sampling for herself and Bonbon, but no. Why deprive her part of equestria of all this human culture.

She knocked on the door once, twice, three times. A viewing slit opened and a gruff voice asked, “Password.”

Lyra spoke with confidence, “Celestia is a meany head.”

“Come in.” There was the sound of deadbolts sliding then the door opened. A bright light from inside streamed in the alley. The tattooed convenience store owner showed Lyra in. “Hi ya, Hearts. Been a while.”

She smirked, “Yeah Guido, you know how it is. So, I’m here for the usual.”

“Got a shipment in from Toronto last week. Kept a box of each just for you.” The muscled human said with a kindly smile.

She gave an appreciative smirk, “That’s why I like you. You know how to treat a mare right.”

Suddenly, there was a banging on the door and a loud shout, “This is the police! Open up!”

Guido looked… upset. “You sure no one followed you, Hearts.” Lyra shook her head. He thrust a curtain aside, revealing an escape path. “Go. Take the candy.”

Worriedly, Lyra asked, “But, what about you?”

Guido chuckled, “I’ll be fine. This isn’t my first run in with the law. Next month?”

Lyra nodded enthusiastically and made her escape.

"Daddy Daughter Time" (by TechOgre)

The evening was clear and cool with a light breeze. Alex could just smell the scent of flowers from the Flower sister’s fields over the merrily crackling campfire. Dash would be away a few days on some kind of friendship business the Elements were involved in these days. It was a perfect night to spend time with his daughter.

Alex sighed happily, "Nights like these, pumpkin, I love sitting here, in the backyard, by the fire, sipping a martini with my wonderful daughter."

Scootaloo snuggled into her dad’s side, enjoying the warmth. "Can I have another olive with mine, dad?"

Alex smiled, “You bet, pumpkin.” He skewered two fat stuffed olives and put them in her tumbler.

Scootaloo sighed contentedly, sipping from her glass. She was satisfied to sit in silence, enjoying Luna’s starry night, but her conscience was tweaking her. She had done a bad thing, and she had to get it off her chest.

She began hesitantly, “Dad?”

He finished his sip, “Yes, pumpkin?”

The little filly steeled herself, “If I tell you something, do you promise not to get mad?”

His body stiffened oh so slightly, then he carefully replied, “I reserve the right to be angry if the situation warrants it.”

She thought about that and knew she could trust him to be fair, “Alright.” Scoots took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I had a salted caramel bar.”

The silence was deafening. It was finally interrupted by Alex taking a long sip from his drink before speaking. ”I see. And where did you get this salted caramel bar?”

Scootaloo gulped, deciding to come clean, “Lyra Heartstrings.”

There was another long silence and another long sip. Finally Alex muttered, “…urge to smack a filly rising.”

Scootaloo pulled away and gulped, “Dad, you promised not to get mad.”

He turned to face his daughter. “I said I reserved my right to be angry. I’m taking that right with both hands and my legs wrapped around it.”

Scoots rolled her eyes, “Come on, Dad. It was just one candy bar. What’s the big deal?”

Alex, indignant at his daughter’s flippant response, “What’s the big deal. What’s the big deal? Sweetie, it’s not like a Rum Bar, it had salt, not kid friendly alcohol. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to have a talk with an incredibly irresponsible pony.”

Scootaloo pleaded, “Dad! Don’t hurt aunty Lyra! Aunty Bonbon would never forgive you!”

Alex, controlling his rage only said, “Only her feelings, pumpkin. Only her feelings.”