I Don't Swing that Way

by MLPro

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Random, Derpy Hooves, Main 6
Length: 969

What if Rainbow Dash was actually straight? Well, that would be super awkward.

Dash's friends ask her an important question. However, it's an awkward one. And the answer is even more awkward. Oops.

In my actual headcanon I ship Dash with Twilight, but I thought it would be funny to write a story about straight!Rainbow Dash. So...here you go. Rated teen just in case.

Published 2016-09-20 01:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-20 01:50:01 UTC

I Don't Swing that Way

Ah, the heart of cidering season. Rainbow Dash's favorite time of year. Seriously, though, this beat Hearth's Warming by miles. Applejack's apple cider was by far the best thing in the history of things. And Rainbow Dash made sure to get two full mugs of it before flying breezily into the orchard to meet her best friends for some kind of talk which she wasn't sure what it was yet.

"What did you want?" Rainbow Dash lazily sipped her cider as her friends gave her serious glances. This was weird. Obviously Rainbow Dash's alcoholism was an issue, but they had been through this already and Rainbow Dash had reluctantly limited her cider intake to two mugs a day. It was still a lot of cider at once, but it was a start.

"Well...um...it's something we've been wondering for a while...about you...and...but we didn't want to assume anything...so..." Fluttershy muttered something that nopony else could understand.

"Oh no..." Rainbow Dash smirked. "This is an awkward question, isn't it? Why're you making Fluttershy ask it?" Rainbow Dash had no idea where this could possibly be going.

"Well, Rainbow Dash, I suppose this is a tad out-of-the-ordinary," Rarity grinned sheepishly before gesturing for somepony else to take the lead on the scary question.

"I'm out-of-the-ordinary!" Pinkie Pie screeched.

A silence rested over the six mares. Rainbow Dash looked at each of them expectantly, would they get it over with?

Twilight took the initiative. "Dash, what we mean to ask you is..." She breathed deeply as a breeze rushed through the autumn apple orchard. "...about your sexual orientation."

"Like, as in, who I like?" Rainbow Dash cocked an eyebrow. She knew exactly where this was going at this point.

"Like, as in, whether or not you're gay," Applejack said with absolutely no difficulty whatsoever.

Element of honesty much?, was the first thought that occurred to Rainbow Dash, until the actual content of the question sunk in and she was hit once again with that question. "Wait, you all think I'm gay? As in I like mares? What makes you think that? Because I'm a tom-colt? Because I have a rainbow mane? Something or other like that?"

The others said something along the lines of "Well, yeah, sorta". Of course. That was always the reason.

Rainbow Dash broke into outrageous laughter. "Oh my gosh, you fillies too." She clenched her aching stomach. "I mean, is there anypony who's not gonna ask that?" She continued to laugh and wipe tears from her eyes.

The others had varying expressions of mortification on their faces. As was to be expected.

"Don't get me wrong, mares are fine, I just don't like them like that. Never have, never will. I just don't swing that way." Rainbow Dash smiled proudly.

"I don't swing that way" was Rainbow Dash's traditional catchphrase when asked the age-old question. It just stuck ever since the first time an unsuspecting pony asked her this question...

"Hey Dash, I have a question for you," Muffin "Derpy" Hooves in all her awkward adolescent glory looked up at the already-fully-grown Rainbow Dash. The mare she admired immensely and wanted to be just like. Well, that would require her becoming a Wonderbolt, but that was totally fine. And now she had an important question on her mind to ask the mare she looked up to so much. This question was nearly impossible to ask, but it had to be asked as the young apprentice mailmare was dying of curiosity over the subject.

"Yeah, what is it?" Rainbow Dash asked casually as she sipped a milkshake. (Rainbow Dash really likes drinking beverages while talking to other ponies.)

Derpy took a deep breath before letting it out as quickly as possible in one exhale, figuring that would be the easiest way to ask. "I've overheard ponies saying you're gay and I was wondering if that was true, is that true?"

Rainbow Dash was surprised at first by such a question, but then she proceeded to laugh about how her color scheme and personality somehow affected her love life. "Sorry Derp, but...I don't swing that way!" She guffawed and flew away at the speed of lightning.

Rainbow Dash's friends took this story in and their faces burned even brighter with shame and embarrassment.

"Well, okay then. I'm sorry, Dash. We all are. We were just wondering," Fluttershy, the most sensitive of her friend group, looked as if she wanted to disappear into nothing for the rest of eternity.

Dash waved her hoof in a reassuring manner. "It's fine. Really, I'm not offended by it anymore. In fact, I never was Plus, you all are my friends. That would suck if you didn't have the best intentions at heart." Rainbow Dash giggled some more before trying to lighten the mood as she could see that everypony looked immensely uncomfortable. "So...cider, anypony?" She gestured toward the cider-selling station.

"Um...I have to take care of my animals," Fluttershy zipped off.

"Yes, dear, I'm afraid I am very busy on my dressmaking," Rarity admitted before leaving as well.

"And I have lots of...studying to do!" Twilight took off toward her castle.

"I feel too embarrased to have social interaction right now," Applejack stated bluntly before returning to her family to continue selling cider.

"Pinkie?" Dash grinned stupidly. Pinkie Pie could bail her out on this one, right?

"Guess what Dashie?" Pinkie Pie asked, grinning even more stupidly.

"What is it? Are you gonna - "

Pinkie Pie pulled a mug of cider out of the sky. "I'M PANSEXUAL!" she screamed at the top of her lungs before taking an abnormally giant swig.

Author's Note

LOL, this is the most random thing I've ever written. But I wrote it. Let me know what you think of it. :rainbowlaugh: