I love her, that much has been made known to me, but how do I tell her that? Why am I unable to tell her that…
The same questions have been flying around and around in my mind for weeks now, and it's driving me insane. When these feelings first manifested, I just dispelled them as a fleeting crush, but this isn't a stupid crush. Crushes come and go like the wind, but this has to be love. How could it be anything else? Everything else seems so hollow and worthless… it's bloody pathetic. I haven't even talked to Sonata about how I really feel.
I don't understand these stupid feelings either. I have always been so confident. I was the picture of confidence and I always bossed everyone around, but now I choke every time I'm around my dear Sons…
I sighed quietly as I gazed at my feet. This entire mess is pointless. What good does my love do? While my mind is trying to straighten out these stupid feelings, everyone else is sound asleep. We're staying at a shabby apartment in a bland, colorless patch of nowhere. Everything outside looks exactly the same. After Twilight and her crew ruined our plans, Adagio and Sonata had agreed to move to another school and start over, but we didn't know where to start, so we just started walking. We eventually found the bland town we're staying in now. We're squatting in a dirty back-alley.
So here we are in the middle of the night in that filthy alley. Sonata is sleeping like an adorable baby, her head resting against my shoulder. A smile creeps across my face. The town's bakery closes at 9 PM, so earlier today Sonata and I went snuck in after the place was emptied. I tried to get Adagio to tag along, but she chose to stay behind.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Yeah. I can be lookout. Besides, you won't take long anyways," she said, shrugging her shoulders. "Oh, that reminds me, you'll be needing these." She threw a set of keys at me. "They've upped their security since our last break in,"
"Oh… thanks." I waved as we ambled towards the store.
I wanted to ask how she got them, but it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. We walked down the street towards the bakery and it soon popped up over the horizon. The handful of dim, flickering streetlights gave the empty town.
"Easy for you to say," I heard Sonata whisper before she giggled to herself.
I tried to stay quiet. I love Sonata, but I had no idea what I could say to her. Suddenly, she broke the silence. "I wonder why Adagio's been so nice to us lately? Addy's usually kind of a sourpouss…"
"Maybe she's trying to flatter us into doing the dirty work," I replied dryly.
Sonata started laughing. Her cheerfulness even made me chuckle. In any case, we reached the bakery. The door swung open as soon as we used the key. For whatever reason, I expected it to be difficult to get in even though we've been doing this for weeks. I looked around and saw all the food stored away. We helped ourselves to some of the sweets. A few minutes later, we grabbed everything we could carry and left. We headed back towards alley we called home.
As we walked back the way we came I noticed that, even with her sweater on and her arms folded, Sonata couldn't stop shivering. Even with her sweater on and her arms folded, she couldn't stop from shivering. I decided to say something. "You chilly, Sons?"
She nodded and smiled warmly. I slipped my jacket off and placed it over her shoulders. The shivers stopped, and she looked up at me with her cute little baby eyes. "Thanks, Aria!" She hugged me. I started to blush.
It was then I realised that my green T-shirt was all I had to protect myself from the cold.
"But what about you?" she asked, concerned. "You'll freeze, too!"
I braced her against the cold wind and said, "It's ok. We'll be back at the alley soo–"
"No!" She took my coat off and returned it to me. "I don't want you be cold…"
I reached for it reluctantly and put it on again. She was too kind-hearted sometimes, always looking out for me. We may not agree on everything but she does care about me just as much as I care about her.
"Here," I offered, slowly putting an arm around her shoulders and drawing us a little closer together. "That better?"
"Yeah...” She smiled beautifully. "Much better."
Sonata took a deep breath and rested her head on my shoulder, leaning on me. To feel her soft, delicate hair against my cheek made my stomach flutter. I hoped that walk would never stop, that we would never get tired, that we could just keep walking together off into the distance. Eventually though, we arrived back at the ally. I fished the keys out of my pocket and tossed them back to Adagio. I grabbed a loaf of bread from our haul and found a seat.
"While you two were out, I manage to find a place to stay. It's not much but it's better than sleeping in the alley," Adagio said.
I was not expecting that. I interjected, "What did you say?"
"Let's just say I found… an old friend… from school. Follow me," She said and waved her hand.
We headed out. I was happy, both because we found a new place to live and because I was still holding my sweet Sonata next to me as she shivered a bit. After about twenty minutes of walking, we saw a house. The mailbox said it was Sunset’s house.
"Adagio! You must be out of what little mind you have left. Sunset’s? You're nuts." I said, surprised.
"It was easy.” she smirked. “I spotted her while she was walking home. After I told her about our situation, she agreed to let us stay here."
I rolled my eyes. "That's a lie, isn't it?" And I glared at her.
"Yeah. She's just gone for the night." She caved without a blink.
I figured but still, better than staying in the ally for the night. She walked up and pried the door open. I followed behind her. When I took my first step, I felt something in my heart. I had ignored it for some time, but it grew stronger as time passed. Sonata was still resting her head on me. She hadn't spoke since our skit with the jacket. It was almost like she'd fallen asleep but still kept walking. Her face was so relaxed; the slightest trace of a smile hung on her lips when we had so little to smile about. I wished she would wake up, so I could tell her how she made me feel. My heart raced as I looked at her. But the time I pulled myself away from staring, Adagio had gone inside. I pushed the door open and we stepped inside, shutting it behind us. Then, to my complete surprise, Sonata kissed me on the cheek.
"Thank you, Aria," she said. "For everything."
Shocked, overjoyed, conflicted, …all of these emotions and more. I stood unable to think of what to say before I dumbly babbled, "Y-you don't have to thank me for anything…"
"Yes, I do. All these places we've been, everything we've done, I couldn't have done it without you." She paused before quietly adding, "I love you."
The words had been so quiet, I didn't think I'd heard them right. A voice inside my head told me that this was the opportunity I been waiting for, to tell her that same thing, maybe even kiss her back, but I wasn't strong enough. I couldn't make that next step. I just stood there like an idiot. Suddenly she yawned. "Well, I'm beat! I'm going to sleep. Thanks again for everything!" She ran into another room before I could reply. I stood there, petrified. That was it? She was just going to walk off like nothing had happened; she could say she loved me and then just disappear.
But I was the one who didn't do anything. I could have said something: embraced her, reciprocated her statement, given her some sort of sign, ...anything, to show her how I felt. Anything would have been better than what I did. But it's done, and now she is gone. I trudged upstairs and walked into a random room, which seemed to be a bedroom. I laid on the bed and touched my cheek. I still felt the kiss she had planted on me and blushed slightly. I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep.
* * *
I rolled over and looked at the clock. 02:42. I hadn't slept all night. I couldn't sleep peacefully with all of these emotions flowing through me. I walked downstairs and saw Sonata sleeping on the couch. I heard her mutter something in her sleep, and she nuzzled a little closer against the pillow. I smiled fondly at her; she looked so peaceful and innocent when she was asleep. As I turned my gaze away, I noticed a sign and it reminded me of a song I had heard once, and without realising it, I started singing it under my breath. Sonata stirred as the soft sound of my voice reached her ears. She opened her eyes. I hadn't realized it, but I had been staring at her a while now. She yawned and stretched. I hope she didn't notice my blushing.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," I said.
"It's fine. I thought you'd be asleep too." She was cheerful as always.
I smiled thinly.
"I tried – just couldn't nod off," I said tiredly,looking away.
I felt like the entire world was resting on my shoulders in this moment. I love this girl, but I hate how she makes me feel.
"Is everything alright?" she asked. "You look troubled."
If you only knew …
"I'm probably just tired. But I'm fine, really," I lied, reassuring her with the best poker face I could muster.
Visibly glad to hear it, she stood and stretched upwards towards the ceiling, then relaxed. She shot a smile at me, one that said, 'Just looking out for you’. I gave one back, with the hidden message 'I know'.
Without warning, Adagio yelped at something. Sonata was caught completely off guard and jumped a little, falling. I caught her, and she instinctively threw her arms around my neck. For a brief moment, we were so close together that each could hear the other's breathing,a gentle noise, like waves on the sea. We looked at each other and I realised that we were both blushing. My mind cast itself back to last night again. Could this-- is this the opening I've been waiting for?
Before I had a chance to speak, she quickly apologised and got up again, heading carefully towards Adagio. As we head up there, I was still thinking about what she did. After a few steps, we entered the room.
"What was that, Adagio?" I asked.
"I don't know, but I felt something near my foot."
I didn't say anything and Sonata glanced at me.
"Everything seems to be fine. Let’s get some more sleep, and we’ll head out first thing in the morning."
I found it hard to believe that Sonata can even summon enough energy to still be cheerful at a time like this.
"I think I'll try to get a little more sleep before we leave," I said. I returned to my room.
I closed the door and let out a heavy sigh. As I trudged over to the window and pulled the curtains across, qualms of regret seized me. I gave up another opportunity. I just stood there like an idiot. Again. Why hadn't I done anything when she said she loved me? Maybe it was because I was trying to convince myself that her words were heartfelt, truthful, and that she loved me as much as I loved her. But by the time I managed it, the moment had passed. Did that mean it was gone for good? Had she awoken earlier and seen things with a different perspective? I wondered if that was true, and I was afraid that if I told her now what I should have said last night, our current relationship would be altered, irreversibly. I couldn't bear for that to happen. I was scared of the outcome.
But that kiss. She kissed me! WHY would she have done that if she didn't love me...? I stared at the wall and searched for answers, but the flowery wallpaper, all gray in the dark, offered nothing. I couldn't understand it; she was my best friend, and I knew her so well, so why did it feel so hard for me to speak my mind when I could talk to everyone else easily? All I had to do was say three words…
I pounded the mattress in frustration, venting my anger at my own timidity; my idiocy. Why do you have to be so cheerful? Why am I so stupid? Why can't I stop thinking about you? Why can't I tell you how much I love you? Why can't I–
"Aria?" The voice came from behind me.
Startled, I quickly turned to see who'd spoke, but already knew it was Sonata, the person I wanted to talk to least and most at this given moment. I opened the door and let her in. What could I say? How could I…
"Are you crying?" she asked, concerned.
Tears were pouring out of my eyes by now. Sonata pushed back a strand of my hair and looked at me with those piercing, caring eyes. I hurriedly wiped them away and tried to compose myself.
"No, I'm not," I lied. "I think a bug flew in my eye." Wait, that only explains the one eye. “Uh, two bugs flew into both my eyes at the same time ….” Great line, stupid.
I closed my eyes and sighed. She sighed sympathetically.
"It's okay, Aria. You know you can talk to me about anything, right? I'm here for you," she said, sitting down next to me.
I opened my eyes and glanced at her, managing a thin smile in gratitude. My eyes were almost overflowing. Sonata looked at me concernedly as I couldn't stand to face her in the eye. As I glanced at the floor, I shut my eyes again as tears began to escape and roll down my cheek. My teeth clenched and my shoulders shuddered as I sobbed quietly. I covered my face with my hands. Instinctively, Sonata extended a supportive arm around my waist. I was a little taken back – in all the time we had spent in Equestria, how we were banished and how we almost managed to conquer Canterlot High together, I had never let her see or even hear me cry. For me, this was a complete role reversal; whenever she felt a little tearful, if she needed a shoulder to lean on, I would always be there to ride it out with her and make her feel better. Of course, I had those down moments occasionally, crises of confidence, but never like this and never in front of anyone. I hated myself for this. I was weak, unworthy trash.
Then something truly shocking happened. Sonata wrapped her other arm around me and pulled me near. She hugged me! I stopped crying as I absorbed what was going on.
"I love you, Aria," she said, more loudly this time. "Thank you for always being there for me. I know I can always count on you." She was choking on her words. "I just hope I can be to you half the person you are to me."
I was taken aback. A smile crept onto my face. I am so happy I know this girl. My weeping finally stopped. She stepped back and smiled.
"Feeling better?"
"Yeah," I said, subdued. "Thanks for the support, Sons."
"Anytime," she said and wiped wiped some of the tears away. "Do you want to talk to me about what you're going through?"
I took a deep breath. "I guess," I conceded. "I mean– I suppose I've just had too much on my mind lately– it'd be good to shake some of it off."
"So what's on your mind?" she asked as she gently massaged my shoulder.
I paused again. I couldn't think of how to phrase it properly, but I needed to come up with something, and quick…
"I think…" I said furtively. "I think I'm in love."
Her eyes lit up.
"Aria, that's great! Who's the lucky guy?" she asked, softly.
"Actually," I began, but my gaze fell away from her. I forced my eyes up again and said, "It's you."
It was her turn to stay silent. After a few seconds, she spoke.
"Me?" she whispered, shocked. She cupped her mouth as her eyes darted between me and all around the room.
I responded with a nod. She didn't sound confused or worried at all; if anything, she sounded a little relieved.
"Why didn't you tell me before?"
“Because..." My train of thought started rolling again.
"Because we've just got such a good thing going, for both of us, and… I didn't want to say anything that might ruin our friendship, you know? I was afraid you wouldn't think of me in the same way, that you wouldn't want to be near me, then you would hate me and we would…" I trailed off. Such thoughts were painful to beckon.
"Aria," she said, calmly stroking my hair, "after everything we've accomplished together, I will not leave you. You're so special to me... You're the single most thoughtful, supportive, caring person I know. I would never do something like that to you." She said, smiling.
No words were exchanged for some time. While the silence grew, I plucked up my courage. This is it, the moment of truth…
"Sonata-" I swallowed, praying for the answer I’d hoped for. "Will you be my girlfriend?"
There was that warm smile, the same one that had made me fall in love with her in the first place.
"Yes, Aria," she whispered, resting her hands on my shoulders. "I will."
With that, she gently pulled me in close and pressed her lips to mine, tenderly caressing my hair as I returned the kiss. We sat on the bed for a few blissful moments, content to revel in our love for each other, not wanting to push it any further than that. All of a sudden, there appeared a bright shaft of light as the door opened. We flushed and broke away in surprise when we noticed Adagio standing in it, mouth agape.
"Adagio!" I yelled, glowering at her.
"Oh, my… um!" She said before she quickly backed out of the room, closing the door behind her.
"Oh, the nerve!" I fumed through gritted teeth.
My rage quickly subsided when Sonata stroked my shoulder.
"It's no big deal. Besides, she would have had to find out sooner or later." She said, soothingly.
"I guess. Just wish she didn't have to find out like that." I said with an embarrassed smile.
She laughed in agreement and I stole a look at the clock. It was 5:15 in the morning.
"Aria?" She asked as we laid down on the bed, "We've still got some time left before we have to head out."
I took the hint and curled up next to her, resting my head on her shoulder. I felt happy and at peace with myself for the first time in a long time as I felt Sonata run her fingers through my hair. Now after all those sleepless nights, I could finally see things in perspective.
Everything was so different now. I glanced at her again; her skin was aglow with tinctures of sunlight that stole in through the drawn curtains.
"Goodness, you're so beautiful," I said, aloud.
She smiled, and we shared another kiss before she lay down her head and closed her eyes. I did the same thing, and just before she fell asleep, I said,
“Thank you... Sonata. Thank you for being mine. And thank you for being you. ♥”
