A Story That Doesn't Use A Word Known As 'The'

by WorldWalker128

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1771

This is a story that I wrote when I was both drunk, and high on caffiene. Twilight has recieved a challenge from her teacher to write something that doesn't use THE in it at all. It doesn't go as easily as she thinks.

Twilight Sparkle has received a rather odd challenge from Princess Celestia for Extra Credit. This challenge involves writing a short story, poem, review, or any piece of written literature that does not use a word known as 'The'. Truly, it shall prove a daunting challenge, as this word is used at least 50 times per day by an average intelligent being! Can th- er, shall she succeed?
(And will I? Sounds impossible, but I'm both drunk and high on caffeine, so Challenge Accepted!)

Published 2016-09-23 18:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-23 18:10:01 UTC

Oh, just a minor extra credit assignment....

~~The~~ Young Twilight Sparkle sat on her haunches, staring in frustration at ~~the~~ a blank piece of parchment on her private desk in her room. ~~The~~* Earlier that day her teacher, one Princess Celestia, had given her a monthly review on Twilight's grades. Of course, she received an 'A+', but this time her review offered something a little different as well. Something that was now giving her a colossal headache.

"Twilight, as usual your grade is superb." Twilight nodded with a proud smile. Would she have settled for anything less? "and since you have gone an entire two years with a grade so high and perfect, I'm going to offer you an extra little challenge." Twilight tilted her head to one side inquisitively, looking heart-attack-inducingly adorable in the process. "If you succeed, I will allow you to choose what your next lesson in magic will be." Twilight's face first took on a look of shock, then eagerness. A chance to choose what to learn next? Oh, there were so many choices, so many amazing things not taught in public schools! When could she start?!

"When can I start?!" She nearly shouted and hopped eagerly ~~with an eager hop in the air~~.

"Take it easy, Twilight." Celestia chided, suppressing a laugh. Twilight's enthusiasm was delightful, and not at all unexpected. "I'm getting to it. Since you read as many books as you do I figured that I would test your grammar skills' limits." Eager golden stars appeared on Twilight's eyes in place of irises. This was a test that she just knewshe could pass without any studying necessary. She had, after all, read nearly a quarter of ~~the libra~~ all books in ~~the cas~~ % this castle, and by extension this city. Most of them were far above her age range which gave her a clear advantage.

"I can do it!" Celestia raised an eyebrow.

"Are you sure? My own teacher gave me this test when I was younger. Do you know what happened?"

"You succeeded and your teacher and parents were proud?" How could she have failed? She was Princess Celestia! Celestia shook her head.

"I failed." Twilight's jaw dropped and her eyes bulged outward. "To be fair though, my family couldn't do it either." Celestia smiled fondly and gazed above Twilight's head a bit, her eyes distant as she gazed into ~~the~~ a past event. "My father thought he was having a joke played on him and my mother couldn't read. Luna-" Celestia cleared her throat as fond thoughts darted to more unpleasant ones. "Anyway, ~~the~~ this challenge is rather simple, but that sadly doesn't make it easy." Twilight closed her mouth but couldn't remove her shocked expression. Celestia failed at something?

She failed at this? How do I stand a chance, then? Still...to choose my own lesson... "I'm still going to try it." Her voice was not as confident as it had been, but she at least still wanted to give it a go.

"Good. You are to write a piece of literature that does not use one specific word a single time."

"Which word, Princess Celestia?"

"Tee. Aych. Ee."

"Th-" Celestia covered Twilight's mouth with a hoof with a smirk and nodded.

"Not a single time. Do you think you can do that?" Twilight considered this as Celestia removed her hoof. She had never, not once seen a book or spoken to a pony that had not used ~~the~~ such a common word at least once. Usually it would come up at least twice in a five minute conversation. It was no small task that had been placed before her. Should she succeed at this it would mean not only that she had succeeded in something that even Princess Celestia had failed at, but she would likely also be ~~the firs~~ a first in doing it ever! This was a new frontier in ~~the~~ literary exploration! This could be something that writers of books, poetry, newspapers, essays, and even fan-fiction stories would remember for all time! This was not mere extra credit, no! This was her duty! A responsibility to ALL writing-ponies everywhere!

Celestia watched her little purple student. It was taking every ounce of self-control to hold back her giggles as Twilight's face changed from discouraged to some unknown realization of wonder, to serious, to determined. No doubt, if she knew her student well (and she did) Twilight was blowing this way out of proportion and driving it to heights beyond over-dramatic. She really wished she had a video camera just then.

Twilight once more raised her quill and dipped it into its ink well to replace ~~the~~her ink that had dried on it earlier. Tapping it on its lip Twilight raised her quill and held it ready. And waited. And waited some more. A single drop of ink that had collected upon its tip dripped from her quill, splattering below. Not counting it as first, nor as second, nor as third. After another five minutes, Twilight made a sound of disgust, crumpled ~~the~~ her third piece of parchment and tossed it away.

"This is crazy!" She shouted at ~~the~~ her empty room, eyes squeezed shut. "How hard is it to write a few short lines that don't use ~~the~~ that word a single time?!" ~~The~~ ^ It was a rhetorical question given that she'd been at it for the last half a day.

Twilight slumped to the floor, a feeling of defeat creeping over her. She sighed again, eyes drooping slowly closed. "I- I...failed." She started to cry.

Author's Note

*not off to a good start, am I? :facehoof:
%GAAAH! :ajbemused:
^ Sheesh! This is harder than you'd think! :twilightoops:

Wait...Does that mean-?

A week had gone by since *~~the~~ Celestia had given Twilight ~~the~~ her challenge, and her low mood had carried on for most of that time. Her parents thought she was taking her failure a little too far, and Celestia tried to assure her that everypony failed at something from time to time, but Twilight was more bothered by one simple thing: literature and grammar were two main things that she excelled in as much as she did magic, and she had failed. Sure, Celestia, Cadence, her parents and her big bro didn't see it that way, but Twilight still took it as a defeat. (Twi's not giving up yet!)

With this in mind, she gathered a new stack of parchment, a new ink well and quill, and sat down at ~~the~~ her home's kitchen table to try again. Her extra credit might be void now but this challenge was no longer about ~~the~~ points. This time, it was personal! Narrowing her eyes, uncapping her ink well and dipping her feather, Twilight raised it over her fresh parchment, and began to brainstorm.

Poor Twi's still got nothing.

Four hours of starting and stopping, and a month's worth of her allowance in parchment-form crumpled and tossed aside later Twilight was once again at her wits' end. Sighing she set her quill down and hopped down from her seat to get a drink. On her way to ~~the~~ her family's ice box she noticed a small pink note pinned to it that hadn't been there yesterday. It had little hearts drawn on it and a small poem as well:

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I enjoyed our date, so this is for you!

Beneath it was a small 'smooching' photograph of her foal sitter with a lipstick mark next to it.

"...Violets aren't blue." Twilight muttered. "Violets are purple. That's why they're called 'violet's."

She was about to return ~~the~~ it when she saw something that for ~~the~~ a second time that week made her eyes bug out and jaw drop: not a single time was that accursed word used in Cadence's poem to Shining! "wha- wha-" She rubbed her eyes and shook her head before once more opening her eyes and rereading it. "Roses are red, violets are blue" she mentally cringed at ~~the~~ her sitter's blatantly incorrect information. "I enjoyed our date, so this...is....for...you!" Not once!

Twilight sat down with ~~the~~ said poem hovering in front of her to think. This poem was clearly a mushy simple love poem, and one that she'd already heard and read several variations of in the past now that she was thinking about it. Twilight herself not thinking of this one made sense since she couldn't have cared less about trying to get a colt-friend (who had time for that when there was so much schoolwork to do???), but she was less than ten years old. Cadence and Shining were teens now, and her mom had said that this was usually when fillies and colts started dating, but according to many a book Twilight had read Celestia was over one thousand years old! How could she have not ever succeeded in this? Unless.....

"Celestia's never had a special somepony." Returning ~~the~~ Cadence's poem back to its former spot ~~the~~ ^, Twilight's ears drooped. Could it possibly be true? How? What stallion wouldn't want to date Celestia? She was big, strong, smart, wise, funny, good for snuggles, powerful...

Twilight's pondering was interrupted when Cadence ~~the~~arrived to check up on her. Seeing the little filly looking sad tugged at her heart and she asked if Twilight was still struggling with her assignment. Twilight shook her head.

"No, not anymore. I just found the poem you left here for my brother. That proved that it is possible."

"So you're sad that I did it by accident and you didn't?" Twilight shook her head again.

"No, something just occurred to me. I didn't figure it out because I'm too young and don't have a special somepony. You're dating Shining, so you did, but Celestia told me that she failed this test too. This means that Celestia's never had a special somepony either, or else she would have!" Cadence opened her mouth to point out that it had been hundreds of years since Celestia had taken this particular test so things had probably changed since then, but then she paused and closed it. Now that she thought about it, had she ever seen her aunt in any sort of romantic relationship at all? As the Alicorn of Love, this would not stand!

Cadence leaned in close to Twilight and whispered conspiratorially: "Wanna help me set Auntie Tia up on a date?"

Author's Note

*first freaking sentence- are you kidding me?! :flutterrage:
^Oh come on! I'm almost done!
Here's ~~the~~ da group that inspired this, by the way: http://www.fimfiction.net/group/201103/folder/21212/1/fics-involving-the-word-039the039