Chapter 1

Wild Cards

Chapter 1: Dichotoma

“Miles! It’s fuckin’ 9 at night! Get outta my store! Don’t you have that big-ass history exam tomorrow or some shit like that?” I feel myself get jolted from sleep, and see a burly, bald figure leering over me. Fuck, it’s Old man Jackson.

“Sorry, boss… I guess I must’ve… overclocked it…” I rub my forehead.

He shakes his head, “Ah,whatever. Wish ya luck, kid. Yer gonna need it.” I nod, and smile. I walk over to the back, and grab my coat. I stop when I notice the mirror on the wall, and admire myself. Damn I look good. A blue button down, with a creamy brown cardigan, and my favorite tan overcoat. I smirk at my reflection, before walking out the door.

Jackson’s Wares. Good God, only a country town like this could ever have something this cheap get so much revenue. Especially with that old hack running it. Well, that’s a bit much. He’s not all bad. Just overzealous about certain things, is all. Can’t fault a man for that, I suppose.

I walk on auto-pilot for a while, focusing more on my thoughts than the road around me.

My name is Miles. Miles Crane. I exist in the humble town of Bolton, Montana. The winters are shit and the summers are crap, and nobody here would have it any other way. I may still only be a community college student, but people around here seem to believe I’m some kind of goddamn genius. I just figure out how to fix some stuff, and I properly memorize it, and when people ask for help, I give it. It’s not rocket science. Plus, the internet helps. A lot.

The snow crunches under my boots, and the falling flakes collect in my hair.

Ah, whatever. Point is, I just help people when I can. Nothing extravagant about it. Do the right thing, look it up to fact-check, do the job, go home, and sleep.

I only live a couple blocks from my job, and there’s rarely ever anything to pay attention to.

So of course I walk into the sole fucking stop sign on the corner.

After recovering from the momentary headache, I glare at it, before stepping about. As I look back, I notice a trash can cast on its side. It’s Jackson’s.

Must’ve been those goddamn Coltworth kids that moved in from somewhere a week back. The parents are hippie freaks, last I reckon, and the kids are a bunch of jackasses. Yeah. Had to have been them. Well, better pick this up before he sees it and gets angry and does something stupid.

I walk over, and pick the trash can back up, but notice a large metal thing fall from it as I tilt it.

Is he throwing away a gas canister? Thought he said something about always being able to reuse those- holy *shit***!

On the ground is a metal block of some sort. Wait… that’s not just a box… It’s the Blay Buckle! From Kamen Rider Blade! I look around. Last thing I need is people in this town knowing I like those Japanese shows. That travelling salesman officially weirded them out on anything *remotely* related to the Land of the Rising Sun. Or Asian products in general.

I pick up the Buckle, and grin as I look at it. It’s in perfect condition, definitely worth a pretty penny. I toss it between my hands for a moment, before raising it up. Eh, what the hell. “Henshin!” I press it against my waist.

I stop when I realize that, for some reason, it feels stuck to me. I look down. Holy Jesus. The Buckle is now attached to me. Via a belt. That most certainly was not on me before. And then the Buckle starts to glow. My last thoughts are somewhere along the lines of Oh not this kind of story-

Gah… Pounding… in my skull…

A low rumbling, as my ears try to stop ringing.

Everything hurts…

Feeling comes to my limbs. Fresh grass.

How the hell is there fresh grass? It was snowing not two minutes ago. Wait... Sucked into another world shebang. Fuck. Alright, might as well see what kind of bullshit anime I’m in. I kinda hope it’s a harem type. I know old man Jackson would never let me live it down if he heard that aloud, but *damnit*, it’d be cool. And he knows he’d enjoy it if he was in one, too.

I stand up, feeling my bones cracking and popping. Odds are, I’ll probably be in a deconstruction of the genre. All the ladies eventually get so jealous they start slashing each other over me. And there I’ll be, scared shitless atop a pile of corpses with some dark-haired chick draped over me, wearing blood like it’s the new black.

My eyes open, and I’m greeted with a garden of some sorts. Just my luck. I look around. Medieval architecture. Fantastic. So, assuming it’s not a deconstruction- or even if it is, it’s likely this harem might be composed of; a shy castle maid who’s a huge closet perv-likely candidate for the final psychopath- a socially awkward princess or tsundere noble woman- bonus points if both are here- some jock-ish lady knight who gets really flustered around lewd or romantic stuff… and what about some honest-minded innocent bartender’s daughter? Yeah that just about covers most potential options. Now the remaining question is…

I look around, noting the emptiness. Where is everyone? Castle gardens are supposed to be, like, always occupied by the nobility as they scoff over gossip and laugh at how pathetic the peasantry is. Don’t they even have guys who carry around jars for people to piss in, so the noblemen don’t have to go inside? I’d love to see thatin an anime!

I’m interrupted by the sound of hooves behind me. Knight-lady first? Riding her horse in the garden? Oh wait, this is gonna be the really chill-ass old guy who’s supposed to be ambiguously knowledgeable of my situation, and is most likely a wizard. Bonus points for every inch of beard length.

“Stop right there, creature!” I feel a speartip press into my back. Well that about spoils the fun, doesn’t it? And creature? The hell? Hey… wait a fucking minute.

I whip my head around, and my brain stops processing for a moment. The one pointing a spear at me is a small, white-furred horse in armor.

Talking horses. All of a sudden I don’t want this to be a harem show anymore. I really, reallydon’t want this to be a harem show anymore.

“Who are you? How’d you get in here?” The horse jabs me in the shoulder, and I feel the tip almost break skin. I jump back, and grab at the spot.

“Hey! Watch it, pal! That ain’t no cause to stab me, damnit!” I growl, and he decides to take a swing at me again. Instincts kick in, and I duck under the spear. As it passes, I grab the weapon, and yank it from his hooves. How’s a horse even holding anything?

I turn the spear to him, “Back up! I said back up!” He looks at me like he didn’t expect me to fight back. The hell? He comes swinging, and he’s surprised that I fight back!?

Another guard-horse leaps out, this one with wings. A pegasus. Fantastic. What next? Ones with tentacles? Oh, god I’ve seen enough hentai to know where that path goes. The flying guard tries to circle around me, and get me from behind. I just shoot my foot out, and he flies right into my boot. Okay, lucky shot on my part…

The one on the ground glares at me, then tries to leap for the spear. I turn it, and hit him with the blunt end, cracking him across the jaw. “I don’t wanna fight! I just want ya ta get back!” I thrust the spear out, and it clips his breastplate. He seems to get the message, and takes a step back. I notice his eyes focusing behind me intently. I donkey kick, and feel my boot collide with the pegasus’ helmet. I feel a dull pain in my foot from the plate metal.

This is not how I wanted my initial anime experience to turn out. People online talk about how they’ll instantly kick ass in an anime world or whatever, but they never really stop to think that you actually have to fightin the anime world. Pretty sure that'd change their opinions real fast.

“What’s going on here? What is the commotion?” The guard turns his head, and I shoot a glance. There’s another horse, with a horn. Wow. A fuckin’ unicorn. Gang’s all here, folks.

The guard turns fully to the unicorn, “Prince Blueblood, please get out of here! This creature is-” I don’t give him a chance to finish his sentence, as I smack him in the head with the blunt end of the spear, and dash off. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

I get into the castle and proceed to make every turn I can imagine. I have literally no idea where I’m going, so honestly if anything happens I will not blame anyone. Then something occurs to me. Hey, if the Blay Buckle brought me here, does that mean that… I look to my waist. Somehow, the Buckle is gone. Motherfucker.

I catch up with my brain, and realize I just auto-piloted my way into what appears to be the guard’s armory. With everyone gearing up. Jesus H Christ.

“Uh… Hi? Sorry,  I didn’t mean to but in, I just… uh… I’ll… be going… now…” I close the door slowly, then book it. I make a sharp right, then a left, and keep going as fast as possible, down this absurdly spacious hall. I see a door at the end, and decide my best option is to open it up and see what’s inside. Can’t run forever. Horses are faster. They already know the layout. My only option is to hide.

I dash all the way to the door, and tilt my strong shoulder at it. I feel the solid stone give way, as the door swings open, and I slam into the carpet. Pain runs through my shoulder, and I clutch it instantly. “GAAAAAHHH! FUCK! JESUS!” My shoulder’s bruised, but not broken.

Okay, good. I’m good. I can still get up and find a place to- It’s a dead end. More importantly, said dead end has a throne. And a big horse who looks like her hair’s made of rainbows.

It’s official. I do not fall under Japanese animation rules anymore. This universe falls under cutesy children’s cartoon show rules. Which means that Queen Rainbow-hair most likely has Goku levels of power.

Big horse stares at me. I stare back. I reach into my pocket, hoping to find something, anything, that could help. My hands press against something soft, but stiff, like thick paper. No, it can’t be… Is that a-

My train of thought is swiftly derailed by the force of an entire football team of horses slamming into my back.

For the third time today, I find myself regaining consciousness under less-than-ideal conditions. I look around, and see that I’m in some form of interrogation cell. Of course.

Before me, is a big white-furred unicorn. Do they all come in white? Are there no brown or black horses? Jesus, my brother would make that into a racist joke if he heard that one aloud.

This unicorn glares at me, then his horn glows and a small stack of papers hovers near him, covered in the same shade of blue.. “Ten minutes ago, Corporal Heart claimed that he saw you in the Royal Gardens. Upon attempting to ask you of who you were, you stole his weapon, and then proceeded to attack him, as well as Lance Corporal Showers.”

So unicorns can use psychic powers? Damn. Wonder what the restrictions are. Gonna have to figure that out if I wanna escape without having to kill…

Then he lowers them. “What were you doing in the Gardens? Who do you work for? Changelings? Griffons? Who hired you to get in here?”

That threw me off for a moment. I look to him, “Look, buddy- I don’t know what in the high Hell you’re talking about, but I ain’t no assassin! I have no idea where the hell I am, or what in the fuck you are!” I stop, and take a deep breath. “I’m trying to keep myself calm, but believe me when I say I don’t know how I got here. How or why. I just don’t know. All I do know is, one moment I’m at home in the snow helping a neighbor with his trash cans. Next, I’m in your goddamn garden! I know it sounds crazy, but let’s be honest, if I wanted to hurt anyone, don’t you think I’d have done more than just hit that guard once with the blunt end of a stick?” I raise an eyebrow.

I quickly realize that now I sound crazy, and dangerous. Fuck me.

He stares for another moment, before sighing, and standing up. “You’ll be confined to the dungeons until further notice.”

The door opens, and a couple more guard horses come in, spears pointed at me. “Move.” One presses his spear against my back.

“Stop it, damnit! I get it, I’ll move! Jesus, do any of you have any level of patience?”

I’m quickly guided to a dirty, ancient cell that is clearly years out of use. The guards shove me in, and I hear the door slam behind me. Pricks.

I reach into my pocket and pull out the cards. All of them are Blanks. I shuffle them through my hands. Thirteen Blank Rouze Cards. A perfect number for Blade’s suit. Why? Why do I have Blank Rouze Cards? More importantly, where the hell’d the Blay Buckle go off to?

I sigh, and walk over to the wall, and lean against it. As soon as I do, I feel a weight in my back pocket cut me off. Oh you’ve gotta be fucking kidding. I reach into my back pocket, and sure enough, there’s the Blay Buckle, shining against the few beams of light present.

“What in the hell-” I’m cut off by a sudden explosion rocking the building. “WHAT IN GOD’S NAME!?”

Another rumbling follows, and I hear something crash through the stone. I feel myself knocked onto my ass, and something heavy pressing against me.

“Gah! Is that all you have!?” An angry, low, and harsh voice growls from atop me. It seems to have some demonic voice filter on, making any words that come from it sound like the Gospel of Satan. “I’m not impressed.” It clambers off of me, and I slowly look up to it.

A tall form, bipedal, but covered in a thick black chitin. On its back is a large marking in the shape of a blue spade. It stops, and turns back to me. “Hm?”

I look it dead in the eyes. Yellow. Cold. Powerful. “What manner of creature are you? You resemble the Two of Hearts… How insignificant. Locked up by these creatures like a criminal. Whatever. It matters not in the end.”

My mind hits a stop sign.

This… This is the Beetle Undead. The Kabuto Beetle Undead. But that doesn’t make any sense. The Undead only exist in a TV series. And even with that, the Category Aces aren’t intelligent. Only the Face Card Undeads are intelligent. So how is Beetle talking to me? How is he mocking me!?

“You entertain me. I shall be sure to make you a pet for my race once I conquer the world.” Its hand reaches up to its head, and grips the base of its horn. “But, for now… I shall deal with more pressing matters.” Its horn glows, shifting and mutating. Its hand comes down, with the horn now disconnected from its forehead. The light fades, and Change Beetle’s horn is now a sword.

This was most certainly notin the show.

“Halt right there!” More horses show up, spears pointed. “Do not move! We have you surrounded!”

Change Beetle turns around, and it laughs. “HAHAHAHA! That’s wonderful, you know! Now I can attack wherever I want, and I know that I’ll HIT SOMETHING!” It lunges forwards, sword swinging madly. I see a glow from the horses, and Change Beetle leaps aside, and a large blast of power slams into the wall behind me.

“GAH! WHAT THE FUCK!?” I leap away from the new hole in the wall. I look back to where the Undead ran into the crowd. The horses seem to be chasing after him. I look about for a moment, and grin. Sweet freedom.

I follow the holes in the wall until I come across an open hallway. I take a right and keep running for as long as I can. The rumbling of Change Beetle’s fight echoes through the chambers until I can’t even tell where anyone even is. Eventually I manage to get outside, and find myself near the garden where I appeared.

“Damn. Just my luck. Wonder if there’s a way out from here…”

The nearby wall explodes as Change Beetle flies backwards, and slams into a statue. I stare at it- no, him, as he tries to stand up. “Grgh! You… vile creatures! You dare to interfere with my battle? This is beyond your feeble understanding! I will not be stopped by anything… as- grah- pathetic as… you!” He stumbles, and collapses back into the rubble. My eyes catch how his belt buckle cracks open.

“Hehehehehe…” Another voice, similarly twisted, comes from the window above. From it leaps a dark green shape with a long tail snaking behind it. It’s quadrupedal, but still leans back as if bipedal. From behind it, I can see the mark of the spade engraved on its scales. “Pathetic, Beetle. I expected more from you, especially against non-Undead like these…”

“I’m alright… I can… still… win!” He raises his sword, and swings it around in the air.

“Somehow, I doubt that. Regardless, this victory is mine. However, since I’ve bested you, nothing shall stop me from destroying these simpletons. Fate has deemed me the victor, Beetle. Nothing can change it.”

Slash Lizard. Category 2 of Spades. It’s talking, too. My God. Are allthe Undead sentient? But… He doesn’t look like he did in the show. His tail’s too big, and it actually has a blade. He looks more like Killer Croc than a man in a rubber suit. Wait, he said he’s going to kill everyone here!

I look to the horses. No way they can win. I managed to hold my ground against two of them and I don’t even have any powers. Which means there’s only one way to stop this thing...

I reach into my pocket, and draw a Blank Rouze. I look to him, and I throw it.

The Rouze Card first flies through the air without a purpose, but then it alters its course, like a boomerang trying to return to its owner. The Rouze Card flies to Change Beetle, and connects with his chest.

“What? What is this?” He looks up to me, and realizes I threw it. “What is the meaning of this?” The card glows, as Change Beetle is consumed by it. “No! No! NOOOOOO!”

The Rouze hovers mid-air, before flying back to my hand. I look it over, and a smirk falls on my face.

I look to the horses, who gawk at me in awe. “This… is where I take fate into my own hands.” I raise the Blay Buckle with my other hand. I insert the Ace card into the Buckle. The Buckle shoots out its belt, which wraps around me completely, fitting snugly around my waist.

Hmm… From the show, I’d have figured that the belt was always really tight on the wearer. Guess I was wrong.

I look to the horses, who at this point have no idea what’s going on. Not that I blame them. But still, now they look like they want to fight me. “Prisoner, stop right there. You’re to come with us immediately. This area isn’t safe!”

Slash Lizard cackles. “I thank you for sealing that buffoon for me. Now there’s nothing left for me to do but eliminate those in the way of my race’s ULTIMATE SUPREMACY!” He leaps out, slashing at me like a madman.

Looks like I need to prove a point. You don’t fuck with Miles Crane.

I hold up my right hand like Kazuma, keeping the palm facing towards me, but one finger pointed up, at the sky. “Henshin!”

TURN UP