Dungeons and Alicorns

by Dark Chocolate

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Big Macintosh, Random, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2007

Spike and Big Mac let Luna play with them. It goes terribly wrong.

Spike and Big Mac think it would be fun having an alicorn play with them. Being a natural gamer, Luna volunteers and everything goes downhill.

Will make a few more chapters if this goes well.
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Remember to follow me for more occasional one-shot comedies!

Published 2016-09-24 23:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-24 23:30:01 UTC

Discord was fun, what about an alicorn this time?

Spike and Big Mac sit at their wooden table. Spike drums his fingers with worry. Big Mac stares at Spike. Luna sits across from them with a massive excited smile. Spike clears his throat.

“Alright, so Sir McBiggun and…” Spike sighs.
“The Queen of Awesomeville, walk into a dungeon. Suddenly, an army of ghosts appear and surround the chamber!” Big Mac’s mouth gapes open. Luna nods excitedly and talks using her royal speech.
“I enslave the ghosts and use them to pull my chariot! ” She yells, with a victorious hoof in the air.

Spike glances at Big Mac nervously.
“Um...Luna, your character can’t do that...like...any of that.” Big Mac shifts in his chair uncomfortably. Luna continues to smile.
“Then I use my laser vision to cut all the ghosts in half, which burst into candy!” She closes her eyes and nods happily.

Spike rubs his face in irritation.

“You know what, sure, why not. The ghosts disappear.” Spike removes the models for the ghosts from the board.

“So you two proceed further into the dark and creepy dungeon. As you step into the next room you-” Luna cuts him off, her eyes grow large and wild.

“I use my laser vision to scan the room for traps!” Spike drums his fingers again, as his cheeks grow slightly red.

“Luna you’re a warrior, you don’t have laser vision. That’s not even a thing.”

Luna hums to herself in concentration.

“Then my warrior stumbles across a scroll that gives him laser vision!” She cries happily. Big Mac’s head hits the table angrily. Spike’s right eye twitches.

“Okay Luna, you don’t decide what happens in the game, I do. You just say what your character does. Secondly, I thought your character was a she, since she’s a queen.”

Luna closes her eyes, crosses her forelegs, and looks off to the left.

“My character doesn’t conform to your stereotypical gender roles!” Spike glares at Luna.

“What are you talking about?! Their title is based on-” Spike stops as Big Mac reaches out with a hoof and taps Spike’s arm. Big Mac slowly shakes his head as the two exchange annoyed glances. Spike rolls his eyes.

“Okay you know what? You two defeat the dungeon and go back to town as heroes.” Luna claps her hoofs together and smiles.

“So, you’re in town, talking with the locals, when suddenly some crazy pony in metal armor appears! He wields a massive greatsword and laughs menacingly!” Spike changes his voice to sound evil as he impersonates the villain.

“Hahaha! This town shall be mine! I will make its inhabitants my slaves for all eternity! The villain laughs evilly!”

Luna slams his hooves on the table with a massive smile.

“I marry him! Which dice do I roll!?” Luna starts digging through her silk pouch of dice. Big Mac lets out a loud groan. Spike stares at her blankly.

“Um...okay Luna remember, I’m the Dungeon Master, I decide what happens. Also...the villain isn’t...gay.” Luna glares at Spike.

“Why not? My character is perfectly attractive to everypony! Also I’m a queen! Anypony would want to marry a Queen!” She says with defiance. Spike’s mouth hangs open, as he narrows his left eye in astonishment.

“Luna, just...look he’s just not into dudes! He...says no. Also he’s evil! Why are you trying to marry him?!” Spike shrugs his shoulders in confusion. Luna stares at the board.

“Then my character gets mad and kills him! No one rejects Bumbledoor, the Queen of Awesomeville, destroyer of worlds!” Spike glances at Big Mac again who waves a hoof to just go with it. Spike sighs and rolls his eyes.

“Alright fine. Roll your twenty-sided dice to see if you hit or miss him with your sword.” Luna digs through her pouch and pulls out three dice.

“Oh um...I just have the normal six-sided dice, can I just roll three of them?” Big Mac starts banging his head against the table repeatedly. Spike folds his hands together and tries to remain calm.

“Luna...no. Look, mathematically, it’s not equal. You see, there’s more combinations of numbers that can make higher numbers than lower ones and-” Spike stops as Luna stares at him blankly.

“Alright let me explain it this way. You can’t get a one or two, because at the very least, you can get three ones. Also to get a four, you’d have to roll two ones and a two. So there’s a lower chance of getting a low number. However, there’s numerous combinations to make middle numbers, like five fives, or two four's and a seven, all equal fifteen. So it’s not equal chance of getting every number. Which is why e use the twenty-sided dice instead of a bunch of smaller dice.”

Luna nods her head.

“Then I…” Spike cuts her off.

“You don’t have laser vision.” Luna nods gradually. She opens her mouth but Spike speaks first.

“Your character can’t fly either.” Luna slowly closes her mouth. Spike inhales deeply.

“Tell you what, why don’t we let Sir McBiggun do something now? There’s an older colt in front of you, with a balding mane. He looks at you suspiciously before-”

“Is he wearing a hat?” asks Luna. Spike blinks several times.

“Wh...I...um no. So anyways he starts-”

“Why not? It’s hot outside, he wouldn’t want his skin to get burned would he?” Luna’s voice is filled with concern. Spike grits his teeth.

“Okay fine, he’s wearing a hat! Now as he looks as Sir Biggun he-”

“What color hat is it?” Spike balls his hands into fists and starts shaking.

“It’s...it’s a...black hat. Now as Sir Biggun looks back at him, he starts running-”

“Who wears a black hat on a hot day? That seems rather odd…” Luna thinks out loud. Spike stops looking at Big Mac and slowly turns his head to Luna, his cheeks are red with rage.

“Alright you know what?! Why don’t you run the game then princess?!” Big Mac’s mouth hangs open as he stares at Spike in horror. Luna claps her hooves together excitedly.

“Very well mighty heroes! You wake up in a large stone room with no windows. You look around and see three objects on the ground: a snickers, a flower and a key.”

Spike narrows his eyes.

“How can we see the items? Are there lights or torches?”

Luna shrugs.

“Magic. So anyways, what do you choose?” Big Mac stares at the table.

“I um...grab the snickers?”

Luna nods at him.

“Sir Biggum dies. Alright Spike, what do you do?” Spike stares at Luna with wide, confused eyes, as Big Mac hits his head on the table repeatedly. Spike taps his fingers a few times.

“Wh...what do you mean he dies? How?!”

Luna thinks for a moment.

“The...snickers explodes.”

Spike rubs his eyes.

“You can’t just kill him off, he’s suppose to play!” Luna sighs and rolls her eyes.

“Very well. Sir Biggum only had his forelegs blown off. As he rolls around on the floor screaming in agony, you think you hear a voice on the other side of the door.”

Spike scratches his head.

“Alright um...what is the voice saying?”

Luna leans over the table dramatically.

“You can’t hear it over Sir McBiggun’s yelling. Do you choose...the knife?” Luna says with a creepy smile. Spike stares at her.

“What knife?!” he yells.

“The knife on the floor.”

“You said there were only a snickers, a key, and a flower!”

Luna taps a hoof to her mouth as she thinks.

“There was also a knife. You...didn’t see it until now.”

Spike stammers as he tries to think of something to say.

“Fine! You know what? I choose the flower!” Spike crosses his arms, and gives a satisfied nod.

“The flower disappears.” Spike stares at Luna annoyed.

“Alright, then the key.”

“That disappears too. Everything disappears besides the knife. What do you do?!” Luna says eagerly.

Spike folds his arms and stares at Luna. After a minute she rolls her eyes and sighs.

“Very well, the door magically opens.” Spike and Big Mac exchanged worried glances. Big Mac drums his hooves lightly on the table.

“Um...I poke my head outside the doo-”

“You take an ax to the back of your head. Alright Spike your turn!”

Big Mac and Spike stare at Luna. Luna groans loudly.

“Fine...Sir McBiggun dodges the ax. You both walk into a room with multiple pillars connecting to the ceiling. On the wall behind you are golden statues of various dragons.”

Big Mac looks down at the floor confused.

“Wait...what about the ax? Was somepony holding it or…”

“Oh...I don’t know, just ignore it. Anyways you both enter the room. What do you do?”

Spike and Big Mac give each other frustrated glances. Spike examines the gameboard.

“Alright I examine the statue.” Luna nods and turns to Big Mac.

“And what does Sir McBiggun do?” Big Mac crosses his forelegs.

“I stay in the room.” Luna puts her hooves to her cheeks and gasps.

“Suddenly, the ceiling grows spikes and starts descending-”

“I leap out of the room!” Big Mac says with an angry eye-roll.

Spike props his head up with one arm.

“Okay so I touched the statue, does it do anything?”

“The statue shoots out a fireball that collides with a pillar, sending stone debris skidding across the floor!” Spike and Big Mac both gape in amazement.

Luna sits still for a few seconds.

“Then part of the ceiling collapses and falls on Sir McBiggun, killing him instantly!”

“Oh come on!” Roars Big Mac.

“Very well, you walk across the room and see large sideways pillars slamming into each other. They're being pushed out by powerful pistons, with loads of neat whirling gears and other stuff! One misstep, and you’ll be crushed! Too bad you don’t have something to jam the gears with….well...you do have one thing…” Luna says ominously, as she slowly looks at Big Mac with wide eyes.
Spike slams an angry fist onto the table.

“Stop trying to get me to kill off Big Mac!”

“I’m not trying to get you to kill him!” Luna says in shock. Spike crosses his arms.

“I’m not using his body to jam the gears!”

“You don’t have to use all of him.” Luna says with a maliciously happy tone. Big Mac recoils slightly.

“Wh...what the hell is wrong with you?!” He says, completely creeped out.

Spike cringes a bit.

“Well that escalated quickly…” Spike says while propping up his head with his left arm.

“Tell you what princess, can we perhaps do some roleplaying in town?” He asks eagerly. Luna thinks for a moment.

“Very well. You two enter town and lock eyes with the notorious Nightmare Moon!”

Big Mac lets out a frustrated sigh.

“Nightmare Moon can’t just suddenly appear, she has to-”

Luna narrows her eyes and transforms into Nightmare Moon. Spike and Big Mac stare at her in terror. Spike motions for Big Mac to move closer then whispers in his ear. Big Mac nods sadly. Spike places his hands on his hips.

“Sir McBiggun and I fall madly in love with Nightmare Moon and live the rest of our lives as her personal slaves! Wow Luna, what a great story!”

Luna transforms back and a massive smile crosses her face. Big Mac nods with a massive fake smile.

“Guess um...that’s all for tonight princess!”

Luna springs out of her chair and cheerfully trots over to the door. Spike and Big Mac let out sighs of relief. As Luna is about to leave she looks over her shoulder.

“See you next week! We’ll see what tasks Nightmare Moon has in store for you!” With that, she exits into the cool night air.

Big Mac gets out of his chair and walks past Spike. Spike sighs.

“All in favor of turning Guy’s Night into Hide From Princess Luna Night?”

“Agreed.” Big Mac says with an angry snort.

Spike takes a nearby candle and tosses it onto the board, which catches fire.