We Are the Wonderbolts

by Glen Gorewood

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Comedy
Length: 1658

We're the best of the best, we fly high in the sky. We get paid more bits than you, to show up anytime. This is our show, though we like our recruits. So come on over maggots, and spit shine our shoes!

What would the Wonderbolts be like if they acted like real world Military Pilots?
Complete with codes, bawdy humor, and a language most ponies wouldn't understand?
Well this story answers that question, in song and dance musical form.

Soarin: We're the best of the best, we fly high in the sky.
Spitfire: We get paid more bits than you, to show up anytime.
Together: This is our show, though we like our recruits. So come on over maggots, and spit shine our hooves!
Rainbow Dash: So just try to fly with us, cause you're gonna lose!

Warning: This is a crackfic
Trigger warning: [spoiler]Pilot humor, verbal intimidation.[/spoiler]

[size=0.75em]In honor of one particular song, that you won't get unless you know a Pilot, Crew Chief ; or are one yourself.[/size]

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-24 22:51:42 UTC

We're the Best

It's orientation day for all new Wonderbolt recruits, Rainbow Dash stands tall and proud in her new uniform rainbow mane and tail flying in the wind.  After three years of being a recruit she's finally made it, she's finally one of the best of the best.  The top fliers and best aerial defense force in all of Equestria.    All that blood, sweat, tears, and cleaning the latrines has finally paid off.

And today she gets to welcome all the new Wonderbolt hopefuls into the fold, just the way she was years ago.

Right here on the grounds of the Wonderbolt Academy.  This is her moment to prove herself a true Wonderbolt.

In order standing beside her side by side from her right facing the crowd are Soarin, Fleetfoot, RapidFire, and Spitfire.  All watching the new recruits line up in lines in front of the raised stage.

Soarin smacks her with his wing to get her attention.

"Hey Rainbow Crash, you ready?"

With a grin on her face Rainbow smacks him back.

"Snoarin I was born ready!"  She whispers back.

The crowd of recruits goes silent as Spitfire walks forward, wings by her sides, with a plot eating grin on her face.

Reaching the microphone she removes it and carries with her to the front of the line of Wonderbolts, facing the recruits she begins.

"You want to be one of us, we're the best there's ever been.  But if you think it'll be easy, your about to lose some skin."

Fleetfoot joins in with a raucous voice.

"It takes blood sweat and tears to get to where we are.  We don't care who your daddy is, he's a bucker in this yard."

Rapid Fire voice joins the song.

"We fly faster than you can dream, so get your flanks in gear.  If we see you slacking, we'll get you in the rear."

Soarin seamlessly adds his part.

"Don't forget to stay in line, if we see you out of form.  You'll find yourself wishing, you were never born."

Rainbow tenses up knowing what's expected, she walks forward and adds her voice to the bawdy lyrics.

"Because this isn't about money, or national pride.  Being a Wonderbolt is about do or die!"

Soarin nods in approval as Spitfire signals for them to take off.  With synchronized wing flaps they take off into the air, one new rainbow maned flight mate in their number.  As the recruits ooh and ah they turn, spin in the air, and pull a close crowd buzzing maneuver barely missing the recruits by centimeters.

Soaring higher their voices cry out in song.

Soarin: "We're the best of the best, we fly high in the sky."

Spitfire: "We get paid more bits than you, to show up anytime."

FleetFoot: "This is our show, though we like our recruits."

RapidFire: "So come on over maggots, and spit shine our hooves!"

Rainbow Dash: "Just try to fly with us, cause you're gonna lose!"

Together: "Because the Wonderbolts don't have room, for momma's foals like you."

Pulling a V formation they begin a series of Loop Dee Loops and sidewinder spins, showcasing their acrobatic skill to all the little recruits beneath them.  Three of which vomit after watching Rainbow Dash and Rapidfire diverge off and spiral up at break neck speed.  Then they reverse course and go so fast into a downward spiral they create contrails in the shape of a double helix, pulling up right before crashing into the academy floor.

Spotting the three flight sick recruits, Soarin and Spitfire split off from the main group, and dive bomb straight towards them before halting in mid air wings open in front of them.  Grinning they continue the air squadron lyrics directed at the puke stained ponies.

Spitfire : "Look what we have here, just watching makes them sick."

Soarin: "Hey Spitfire you know what, they aren't worth this trick."

Spitfire : "But we can't let them stay, if just watching makes them fall."

Soarin : "So get out of here you three, you're the first ones out that hall."

Together : "Because we're awesome, and you can't take the heat.  So go on, beat it kids, go home and weep."

The rest of the Wonderbolts fly down to sing along at all the recruits, as the three that puked walk shamefully out of the academy and back home.  Dreams of flying with the best put on hold or destroyed, realization of what it entails kicking in.  No not the singing, but the speed and risk involved.  They can't do it, and these three know it.

Fleetfoot : "If you can't take the fear, if you can't stand to bleed.  Get out of this academy, wings beneath your feet."

Rapidfire: "Because this isn't some game, there is no quick save.  It's do or die, the military way."

Rainbow Dash fills her lungs air then belts out in tune.

Rainbow Dash : "We are not just the elite, who perform for crowds and that.  We are the strike squad of Equestria, we kick our enemies ass."

Together : "Because we're the best of the best, the highest of the elite.  Though we do shows for you, in war our enemies retreat.  We show up on the battlefield, equipped for the fight.  And if it came down to it, we'd keep going all night. "

Spitfire: "When we fly from the skies, they hide in their homes."

Soarin: "And pray to whatever gods they have, that we'll leave them alone."

Fleetfoot : "Because we come bearing gifts, of merciless attack."

Rapid fire:  "Never letting up, even after they crack."

Rainbow Dash : "Yes we're awesome, there ain't no mistake.  If you can't deal with this, better leave this place."

As three quarters of the recruits are overcome with realization, they turn as one to leave in single file out of the stadium.  The Wonderbolts flying above them as they go.  Singing in tune and harmony.

Together:  "To those who tough this out, the greatest chance there will be.  To become on of us, a Wonderbolt elite.  But if you don't have it in you, just don't stay.  Because we aren't going to help you, if you get in our way."

As the last of the drop outs leave the stadium, the five Wonderbolts high hoof before flying back to the stage to face the remaining twenty five recruits who stuck it out.  Side by side, they sing in unison the last part of their song.

Together : "Everyone still here, don't give yourself applause.  You managed to avoid your fear, but now reality dawns.  For the next three years, you'll be our maids.  Scrubbing and cleaning, between practice each day.  And if our uniforms are torn, or damaged in any way.  If you don't clean them right, you're going away.  But if you make it through, the next Wonderbolt could be you.  To be one of us, in the yellow green and blue."

Spitfire:  "To be of the elite, and fly fast as me."

Soarin: "Top of the line maneuvers, soaring free."

Rapidfire:  "To take on our nations enemies, like my Equestrian way."

Fleetfoot: " And get treated like kings, at every show that we play."

Rainbow Dash: " You'll be the best that there can be, like I am today."

Together:  "Because we're awesome, and you could be too.  It'll take years of hard work, but you might make it through.  Then you'll be one of us, in the yellow green and blue.  Singing on a day like this, at recruits just like you."

With a flourish they all bow to cheering recruits.  The few determined ones who were truly up to the task of proving themselves for their dream.  Out of one hundred twenty recruits, only twenty five remained.

A pretty good turn out, but Rainbow Dash knew looking at them that this was only the beginning.  And starting now would start the three most grueling years of their lives.  Maybe two would make it to the end, the two most hardcore strong willed thick skinned recruits here.

As the applause dies down Spitfire puts a serious expression on her face, glaring straight at the remaining twenty five she shouts.

"Alright that's enough clapping, get moving to your dorms maggots.  Drills start in thirty and I want to see you spotless and to code in your recruits uniforms in twenty.  Dismissed!"

With that the remaining twenty five almost fall over each other in the rush to get to their dorms to get ready before drills.  It brings a smile to Rainbow Dash's face, she remembers when that was her racing off to the dorms.

A smack on her side draws her attention and she sees FleetFoot smirking at her.

"Brings back memories doesn't it Rainbow, so do you think all the horseapples we are going to put them through was worth it?"

Rainbow puts on a shit eating grin and gives a little wink.

"Yes it was worth it.  Every single latrine cleaning, uniform ironing, toothbrush scrubbing, prank filled drill moment of it."

Fleetfoot smiles widely in pride giving her another light friendly jab.  He is soon joined by the others giving Rainbow pats on the back and congratulations for doing so well with the song and flight maneuvers during the ceremony.

Rainbow Dash can't imagine a moment she has ever felt happier outside being with her Elements of Harmony friends.

Smiling she returns the gestures to her team mates before shouting.

"Okay Wonderbolts, I think we have enough time to grab a cupcake from the mess hall before drills.  Who's with me?

As she takes off for the mess the others follow her shouting back in jovial banter only flight specialists know.

Soaring crows "Oh I'm in, dibs on the devils food one."

Spitfire laugh and bumps the stallion mid flight "Better be careful or we'll have to start calling you Hoverin again."

Fleetfoot flies alongside Rapidfire chatting about whether he should take the healthy or sweet cupcake.  After all he's starting a new training regime next week.

Rainbow Dash doesn't care what cupcake she gets, her dream has come true.  She is now a full Wonderbolt, the best of the best.  She looks awesome and she knows it, in her green yellow blue uniform.