Contains Author -- Not Safe For Equestria Daily
“Submit.”
Finally. After all the unending questions of what, when, why, how, and who, as well as asking myself the eternal questions concerning life, death, and the nature of the universe, I had completed Chapter 6 of the Cuddlequest of Earth.
It was a silly little thing, really.
A happy accident that I should’ve expected to become as popular as it did because of two things.
Ponies are adorable.
Cuddles are also adorable.
But anywho, as I reveled in the afterglow of finally, finally getting something done around here, I ponderously looked to see which videogame I could slaughter bad guys in to celebrate.
That was when it bluescreened, which was unusual.
My laptop only bluescreens when it overheats, which was something that couldn’t happen, since I wasn’t running anything CPU-intensive at the time. I had also just cleaned the dang fan. Then I read the error report and my eyes widened.
Before my very eyes, the text shifted and changed and moved around, numbers and letters changing from the error report to...
it was a cutsy cthulhu. Ascii cutsy cthulhu. What the--
The last thing I registered before blacking out was two pink forelegs punching through the screen, causing a ripple effect and aiming for my head.
I awoke with a start. I was in comfy pajamas that was made of microfiber. I had no time to dwell on the fact that someone had changed my clothes while I was unconscious, because I was surrounded.
Alicorn Twilight Sparkles.
Alicorn Twilight Sparkles everywhere. I tried backing up on my hands and feet, but ran into one of them in this dark place, carpeted with something like velvet. I didn’t really take notice of how fancy it was. They all had some variant of costume on, be it an oversized lab coat, or pajamas like mine, or even combat vests. One even had a rubber suit on. My panic rose when one of them walked out of the crowd, completely undressed. She bowed to me and said, “Hello, Master.”
I only had one thing to say about that.
“...What the friii...”
She cut me off as she put a contemplative hoof on her chin.
“Well, I’m not sure about master. Since you were the one that this universe originated from in the multiverse, I suppose... maybe it could be master. We’ll have to get back to you on that o-”
That’s when I lost it.
The next few minutes were a blur.My vision filled with violet and darkness while I flailed and punched and kicked, but I fell right into their collective embraces. As soon as I became coherent again, I noticed that I was being pressed in by all sides by walls of Twilight Sparkles. Were I not in a state of near-hysteria, I would’ve found the experience... nice? Had I been observing someone else in my situation, I would’ve jealously laughed at the other’s misfortune, but actually being in a pony pile is horrible. Twilight Sparkle snuck her head through and told me, “Regardless, the first logical step in our cuddlequest of the Multiverse was where we all began. You. You feel it even now, don’t you?”
Sure enough, I felt the very same energy that I had inadvertently created fill me, and it felt like my veins had hot chocolate trickling through them, if that makes sense. Someone said, “He’s resistant to the magics. We need to hit him harder.” I panicked again, and a half dozen scrunched up muzzles rubbed my face.
Heaven help me, I didn’t know how to feel about it.
North Koreans and the Dangerously Pink Godzilla
====STRANGE OCEAN PATTERNS DETECTED: SCIENCE AND MAGES BAFFLED====
“Great and Honorabru Reader!”
The President of====STRANGE OCEAN PATTERNS DETECTED: SCIENCE AND MAGES BAFFLED====
“Great and Honorabru Reader!”
The President of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, known to everyone else as North Korea, looked up from his new biography novel about how he invented cheeseburgers while riding a horse, and regarded his advisor.
“A disturbance off the coast!”
"Is it the Americans?"
"... you should look for yourserf... Honorabru Reader!"
So the Glorious Leader stepped outside of his coastal retreat only to watch in awe and fear-stricken silence along with his followers and loyal soldiers as the ocean itself seemed to rise up in defiance of gravity, white wash rolling off the mass that threatened to blot out the Korean Sun.
Finally, traces of dull pink shone through the water, and everyone gasped and hung their mouths open as they witnessed the impossible. The aide stammered, "It's... it's..."
The Great Leader screamed, "HUGZIRRA!! OPEN FIRE!!"
As green tracers bounced off the King of Cuddly Monsters, the great pink/white mass of giant lizard walked onto the shore, not taking heed of the incoming fire.
"No effect, Great Reader!"
"Keep it up, Soldier of Korea! It can't take too much more, I can feer it!"
====PINK GODZILLA SIGHTED OFF THE COAST OF NORTH KOREA: IS THIS THE END OF NORTH KOREA... AND THE WORLD?====
----Two months later----
"Great Reader!"
An aide ran up to the President of North Korea, who was studying papers on a table. He turned to regard this aide and said, "Is the beast down?"
The panting assistant shook his head and said, "I regret to report, Honorabru Reader, that... we are compretery out of ammunition!"
The President’s mouth fell open, and he took off his sunglasses.
"Whaaa?!"
The aide threw his arms wide, tears streaming down his face, and cried, "We have nothing reft!"
The President of North Korea stood up, and said desperately, "We must request aid from our grorious allies, the Chinese!"
The aide hung his head, forlorn.
"They... refused, Great Reader."
The President of North Korea ran his hands through his hair, ruining his do, while he cried, "Bwuaaah?!"
The President of North Korea then fell silent, and sat back down, his face in his hands.
"What shall we do?"
"..."
"Reader, read us!"
The President of North Korea then took his face out of his hands, and then said, "This is obviously a proy by the Americans to force a surrender! We will defy dem!"
The aide asked, "Then what shall we do?"
The President of North Korea stood up, ramrod straight, pointed at the ceiling of the tent that they occupied, and declared,
"Feex bayonets! I sharr read the charge!"
The aide saluted, almost making the Supreme Leader shed a tear in pride, then bolted out of the tent after saying, "Yes, Grorious Reader!"
The President of North Korea then filed away the field reports he was sorting through, thinking about the plan that he had just sentenced his army to. An image flashed in his mind, one of destruction of his homeland and of the people that he’d spent so much time keeping in line with his complete authority. He then imagined those fat cats back in America, sipping on beer and laughing at the people outside eating snow and birds. His resolve steeled, now determined to show those upstarts that he was in charge of his country, and that dang brat cookie thief would finally be apprehended.
He would lead the glorious charge.
For his North Korea.
It was the only way.
*Poof*
PNK found himself staring into the eyes of Crusader Celestia, armored to provide maximum fluffiness and comfort for cuddler and cuddlee. The last thing he heard before blacking out was "Gotcha."
====HUGZILLA CONFIRMED TO BE IN LEAGUE WITH THE CUDDLE CRUSADE====
The North Korean President sat upright from his bed in his manor.
What... happened?
As he groggily made his way to the presidential balcony, he recalled his last waking hours.
Giant pink monster.
Running out of things to shoot at it.
An American posing as a white horse.
He had just recalled these events as he saw the parade in the street.
It was not his powerful and loyal soldiers.
As his face reddened, he recognized the ponies, griffons, and minotaurs of the Americans. He was about to scream in righteous fury when he heard a voice behind him.
"Oh, I've waited a looong time for this moment."
The Glorious Leader turned around, and sure enough, it was the American Horse again.
"I demand you surrender at once, Imperiarist Doge!"
The aggressor just grinned.
"Oh, you're in no position to be making demands anymore. In fact, I was just waiting for you to recover so I can do this!"
With that, the invader lunged at the Glorious Leader, arms outstretched. He dodged her futile gesture, and bolted for the door.
"Oh, that's a much better idea."
The Glorious Leader didn't notice the American Oppressor recover quickly and lunge at him again.
Unfortunately, she managed to grab him. The angle of glomp also meant that they would be carried not onto the cold floor...
...but onto the best bed in Korea.
"Oof! See? Much better."
The Aggressor had effectively pinned the Glorious Leader with one of her infernal forelegs. She was also effectively spooning him. Glorious Leader hated being the little spoon. He squirmed in the invader's grasp, trying but failing to escape. So the Glorious Leader tried being diplomatic.
"You will rerease me this instant!"
"Hmmmm...."
The horse nuzzled the Great Leader.
"DID YOU NOT HEAR ME?!"
"I'm considering it. Shush."
The Great Leader was held tighter.
“...Prease?”
"I would normally not be able to resist such a cute asian face, but I'll have to resist your charms today.”
A pause.
"Hmm... it should start working aaany second now."
Then the aggressor aggressively nuzzled the top of the Glorious Leader's head.
Then the Glorious Leader felt tingly.
"*GASP* IT IS INFERNAR AMERICAN MAGICKS! REREASE ME!!"
"Oh, there we go. It'll all be over soon."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."
====BREAKING NEWS: CUDDLEQUEST OF EARTH COMPLETE... NOW WHAT?=====
There was a shuffling of mixed items in a poorly-lit place.
“Okay, we ready?”
“Hey, uh... I gotta go soon, so...”
“Not until we do the ritual.”
A pause.
“B-but... okay.”
“Let’s begin.”
Hugzilla was pleased.
Pleased that his mission of... disarming the North Koreans had been a success.
It would be quite some time before he could lumber back to the deep to nap some more. Hugzilla was just too awake now to just go back to sleep. So, to pass the time, Hugzilla patrolled the coasts, waving back at all the excited people who screamed and ran to tell all their friends that Hugzilla was in town.
Hugzilla loved the excited people. It wa a crying shame he couldn't come ashore without stepping and breaking something.
Hugzilla sometimes wished he wasn't so big, so he could walk among the excited people and see what the land was like.
But Hugzilla was fine being as big as he was. That way, he could visit more excited people. If only they stayed long enough to chat. Hugzilla liked swimming, though, so he decided to do that for a while. Sometimes he visited the icey places on the top and the bottom of the world. Now there was a place Hugzilla could walk around. Hugzilla liked to imagine sometimes that he was one of the excited people going about their day.
But Hugzilla was fine with being big. Sometimes, he just wished that he could play with Miss White Feather Horn again. She seemed nice.
Hugzilla then wondered if he could play with someone more his size.
Like that grumpy looking squid-head fellow who just burst from the ice.
He kept roaring. Looked like Mister Grumpy Green could use a hug.
====BREAKING NEWS: CTHULHU CULT CLAIMS TO HAVE SUMMONED CTHULHU AT NORTH POLE: POSTS VIDEO OF CTHULHU ATTACKING HUGZILLA====
Boy, Mister Grumpy Green needed a lot of hugs.
After his first punch threw Hugzilla several miles, it became clear that Mister Grumpy Green needed to be more friendly. Especially if Grumpy Green kept roaring like that. So it was with that Hugzilla determined to be the friend of Mister Grumpy Green.
First step: A friendly greeting.
Hugzilla rolled, then got up. Grumpy Green screeched at Hugzilla, arms outstretched and adopting a wide stance. Hugzilla took in a deep breath, and spewed forth a bright light that was sure to warm up Grumpy Green.
====BREAKING NEWS: CTHULHU CULT IS NOW STREAMING HUGZILLA VS CTHULHU====
After that display knocked Grumpy Green off his lizardy feet and onto his belly, Hugzilla initiated phase two of his plan.
Step two: a disarming hug.
Before Grumpy could get up and clear his vision, his arms were pinned to his side as Hugzilla hugged him from behind. Grumpy Green writhed and screamed all sorts of nasty things, but Hugzill kept the awkward hug up. Hugzilla sat down, taking Grumpy Green with him as Hugzilla clutched Grumpy Green close to his chest. Grumpy Green started to spew bright orange fire, but Hugzilla paid it no mind.
Hugzilla nuzzled Grumpy Green. Surely that would put him in a better mood.
Hugzilla would be wrong, as Grumpy Green redoubled its silly struggling. Stage three, then.
Step three: a friendly tickle.
That caused Grumpy Green to jump, tumbling the both of them over on their sides, crushing ice beneath their leathery pink and sickly green hides. Hugzilla still maintained his grip, so Hugzilla was spooning Mister Grumpy Green. Hugzilla dragged himself back up into a sitting position, while Grumpy Green kept spitting fire all around.
Surely that'll tire him out, thought Hugzilla.
====48 HOURS LATER====
Hugzilla needed a nap, but his grip would hold as long as it needed to. Surely Grumpy Green would stop burning everything around them eventually.
Indeed, the intensity of the struggling lessened, and the fire wasn't as hot as it used to be, though it was still there.
What Hugzilla was sensing was that the dark energies from Grumpy Green were actively resisting the cuddle magics from Hugzilla.
Hugzilla could wait. Thankfully, he didn't need to. He spotted a flying machine coming for him from which Miss Purple Smart, in a parka, rubber booties, and a wool hat, flew over to say hi.
Hugzilla liked Miss Purple Smart. Perhaps he could play with her after he was done making friends with Grumpy Green.
Purple Smart seemed to be interested in becoming friends with Grumpy Green as well.
She dove through the fire Grumpy Green was spitting and landed between Grumpy Green's giant black eyes. Her horn glowed bright enough to cause even Hugzilla to shut his eyes. After a whole minute [?], Hugzilla opened his eyes, and saw that not only did Grumpy Green have a much brighter (and healthy) shade of green, but he was also... relaxed. Less Grumpy. So Hugzilla let go of Squid Green, who, after being released, simply laid on the ice, staring at the setting sun with blue eyes that sparkled with little points of light instead of being orbs that seemed to contain a dark void.
Hugzilla was glad to have made someone's life a bit better today.
====BREAKING NEWS: HUGZILLA VS CTHULHU STREAM ENDS IN HUGZILLA VICTORY====
A robed man pinched the bridge of his nose and rubbed there for a bit. He put his face in his hands, and then looked up. He had ended the transmission after 2 & 1/2 days of nonstop struggle, only for it to have been decided in the favor of the invaders.
“Well, it was worth a try.”
He shifted in his seat, thinking of what went wrong, or what went right. He, the first and now the last of the Cult, had done the impossible.
He had summoned the monster, but the invaders were too powerful.
As he saw some curious ponies approaching his arctic vehicle, he had only thing left to say. It might've not been the scenario in which he wanted to say it, but it was still appropriate.
"Oh, the humanity."
