By Gawd Almighty!

by chillbook1

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Aria Blaze, Comedy, Adagio Dazzle, Equestria Girls, Random, Slice of Life, Sonata Dusk
Length: 3190

Aria Blaze wrestles her way into a date

Aria is a violent person. Perhaps it makes sense that she does professional wrestling moves on every boy she likes.

Published 2016-09-27 21:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-27 21:00:01 UTC

He's Broken In Half!

Aria Blaze flipped through her phone impatiently, waiting for her sister to hurry up and get out of the school. She’d normally just steal the keys, drive home and leave Adagio out to dry, but the eldest Siren had learned from her mistakes and now keeps her keys on her person at all times. As such, Aria was stuck waiting while Adagio spoke to Principal Celestia.

“Oooh, Ari got in trouble!”

Aria rolled her eyes, then shimmied over to make room for Sonata, who pulled open the door and jumped into the car. She slung her backpack onto the ground, then slithered over as close as she could to her sister.

“Hi,” said Sonata, a wide, mischievous grin spread across her face. Aria groaned, then shoved Sonata back.

“If you don’t get out of my face, I promise to break yours,” said Aria angrily. “Where did you even come from? Don’t you still have, like, three more hours of class?”

“Yeah, but since Dagi was already in the office, she decided to have me checked out early.” Sonata flipped around and laid her head on Aria’s lap. “She told me to wait for her in the car.” Sonata pulled out her own phone and began texting. “So… What’d you do?”

“Nothing compared to what I’m gonna do to you if you don’t get off my damn lap!” snapped Aria. Sonata giggled, but did as she was told.

“Dagi said you can’t curse anymore! That’s a dollar for the swear jar!”

“Dagi ain’t here, so I can say whatever the hell I want,” said Aria. “So you can bite me.”

“Okie.”

Sonata leaned over and sank her teeth into Aria’s shoulder, eliciting a small shriek of pain. Aria snarled, then grabbed Sonata by the throat and ripped her clamped jaws from her shoulder. Aria raised her fist, preparing to turn her sister’s face to a crater.

“Aria Blaze!”

Aria groaned, then released her grasp on Sonata. She turned slowly to look out of the window, unsurprised at what she saw. A mere few inches from the glass was the huffing, puffing, furious face of Adagio Dazzle. Aria raised her hands above her head in surrender, trying not to seem more threatening than she already did. Adagio, not taking her eyes off of Aria, walked around the car to the driver’s side. Once she was comfortably settled in her seat, Adagio calmly turned to face her sisters.

Then, she went absolutely ballistic.

“Aria Blaze, you absolute twit!” she shouted. “You had one job: stay out of trouble! Yet, for some reason, I recieve a call informing me that my stubborn, bonehead, dumbass little sister—”

“Swear jar,” said Sonata.

“Got herself in a fight! I swear, Aria, it is as if I speak and nobody listens to a damn thing that comes out of my mouth!”

“Swear jar.”

“One more slip up, Aria, one more mistake, and you’re finished!” Adagio continued as if she couldn’t even hear Sonata. “The humans gave us a second chance, but they will not give us a third! So, Aria Blaze, answer this for me: What are you going to do when you get expelled from this wretched school and are forced to fend for yourself?! Don’t answer, you’ll just strain your tiny little brain! I’ll tell you what will happen, sister dearest; You won’t get a decent job, you won’t be able to pay your rent, I’ll kick your skinny purple ass to the streets—”

“Swear jar,” Sonata said again.

“And then it’ll only go downhill from there!” finished Adagio, falling back into her seat after she was done with her tirade. “So, what do you have to say in your defense?”

Aria looked up from her phone, relieved that Adagio had finally burned herself out. She slipped her phone into her pocket, then cracked her knuckles restlessly.

“You done?” asked Aria flatly. She received no answer. “Good. Go to hell, Dag.”

“Maybe I will go to hell, Aria! Be sure to save my spot, because you’ll be there first after I’m done strangling you with my bare hands!”

“Swear jar times two,” said Sonata. Aria and Adagio shared a look, then turned to glare at their youngest sister.

“Shut up, Sonata,” they said together.

“Sorry.” Sonata returned to her phone, letting her big sisters fight as they usually did.

“Can we go home now?” asked Aria. “I’ve got stuff I need to do.”

“Oh, no, you’re not going anywhere,” said Adagio. She started up the car, then quickly took off for home. “Not until you explain to me why you got into a fight with some stupid human. That’s like beating up a toddler because they stepped on your toes.”

“I didn’t get into a fight.” Aria pinched the bridge of her nose, frustrated. “That’d be dumb.”

“Celestia said you were suspended for fighting.”

“That is accurate.”

“But, according to you, you didn’t fight anyone.”

“That is also accurate. I’m glad we had this chat,” said Aria sarcastically. If Adagio hadn’t remembered her breathing techniques, she might’ve crashed the car just then in a fit of rage.

“I don’t follow,” said Adagio, her patience thinning as the seconds ticked on.

“I got suspended for fighting, but I didn’t get into a fight,” explained Aria. “The word ‘fight’ implies that the other guy got some hits in.”

“Let’s take this from the top. Who did you brutalize, how, and why?”

“There’s this guy in my Chemistry class named Flash, you might know him. We brainwashed him during the Battle.”

“Is he the high school musical douchebag? Stupid blue hair, always carrying his guitar, trying to get in the princess’ pants?” asked Adagio. Aria nodded. “Hm. I could have sworn his name was Brad… But what about him?”

“I Chokeslammed him through the lunch room table.”

Adagio immediately pulled her car to the side of the road, staring at Aria as if she had grown a second, and then third, head.

“I beg your pardon?” said Adagio. Aria hadn’t noticed what an impact her revelation had, and didn’t even look up from her phone.

“I Chokeslammed him through the lunch room table,” Aria repeated, as if that were a perfectly normal thing to say to another person.

“What the devil is a Chokeslam?”

“It’s a wrestling move. I grabbed him by the throat, lifted him over my head, and slammed him onto his back,” explained Aria.

“Why did you Chokeslam this poor boy?”

“Because I wanted to do an Undertaker move but didn’t feel like setting him up for a Piledriver.”

“What the hell are you talking about?!”

“I don't know how else to explain that,” said Aria with a shrug. “Makes perfect sense to me. You get it, Sonata?”

“Yupperooni,” said Sonata. “Makes sense to me!”

“Congratulations, you are now both confirmed to be idiots,” grumbled Adagio. “So, let's try again. You're doing wrestling moves on human boys. Why?”

“He's kinda cute,” said Aria with a shrug. Adagio opened her mouth silently, words failing her for the first time in her long, long life. She was unaware that stupidity this intense could exist without the universe imploding.

“This conversation is creating more questions than answers.” Adagio turned back onto the road. “We'll continue when we're home. Maybe you'll make more sense after a glass or six of red wine.”

Ten minutes and six glasses of red wine later

“Nope,” said Adagio, polishing off her drink and setting her cup onto the counter. “You're still an idiot.”

“Whatever,” said Aria, depositing the last required dollar into the swear jar. “Can I go now? I have a date.”

Adagio grabbed the bottle of wine from the kitchen counter, ignoring her glass and taking a swig straight from the bottle.

“With who?” asked Adagio. Aria shrugged, at which point Adagio took another swig. “You do understand that you are what drives me to drink, don't you?”

“Pinkie Pie hooked me up with someone,” said Aria. “Probably gonna Powerbomb him or something.”

“Should I even bother asking?”

“I bend him over at the waist and put his head between my legs—” began Aria.

“Keep it PG, Blaze.”

“Shut up. Then, I grabbed him around the middle, and flip him up so that he's sitting on my shoulders and he's facing behind me. Then, I drop down to my butt and slam him onto his back.”

“Do you always slam your potential dates onto their spines?” asked Adagio. Aria shook her head.

“Most dudes are too heavy to get them over my head for any of the really cool moves.” Aria pulled out her phone and texted that strange Pinkie Pie girl, checking the status on her date. “Normally, I go for a Spear or something.”

“Spear?”

“Where's Sonata?” asked Aria.

“Outside playing with butterflies or something stupid,” said Adagio. She instantly grew suspicious. “Why?”

Aria gave no answer, instead heading for the door. Adagio quickly followed her through the living room and out the front door. They stepped onto their front yard, where Sonata was indeed running back and forth in hot pursuit of a bright yellow butterfly.

Aria dropped to a crouch, raking back her hair with her hands.

“What are you doing?” asked Adagio, finishing off her wine. Again, Aria ignored her, completely focused on whatever it was she was doing. Aria stuck out her tongue, licking her lips repeatedly in a truly eccentric fashion. Aria beckoned for Sonata to turn around, despite knowing that her younger sister couldn't see her.

“Sonata!” shouted Aria. Sonata instinctively turned to face the source of the voice, freezing when she saw Aria’s stance.

“Ari, no!” squealed Sonata, though it was too late. As soon as she was fully turned around, Aria bolted forward, then flung herself through the air, burying her shoulder in Sonata’s gut and bringing her to the ground.

“That's a Spear,” said Aria, dusting the grass from her jeans. “But I can't always set them up for that, cause I don't have enough room to get enough speed, so I'll lock in a Liontamer.”

“Aria Blaze, stop murdering your sister!” shouted Adagio. “I'm not losing out on my weekend so I can hold her hand in the hospital because you punctured her lung!”

“She's fine,” said Aria, rolling her eyes. “Edge has been doing it for years, and the only person he ever hurt was himself.”

“You just flattened Sonata!”

“She's fine.” Aria looked over to Sonata, who was coughing and sputtering while holding her stomach in agony. “Hey, Sonata. You okay?”

“Yupperooni,” wheezed Sonata. She gave a weak thumbs-up.

“See?” said Aria. “She’s fine.”

“She's trying to stop her intestines from rupturing!” shouted Adagio. “She is not fine! She's… What the hell are you doing?!”

While Adagio was talking, Aria had grabbed Sonata’s legs and flipped her onto her stomach. Aria then bent her back as far as she could, keeping Sonata’s head down with her knee.

“Liontamer. I didn't explain that one,” said Aria, almost unheard over Sonata’s tearful sobs. Aria leaned back at Sonata, slightly impressed by her resolve. “There's no shame in tapping out, kiddo.” Immediately, Sonata slapped the ground with her palm several times. When she was certain that Sonata had tapped, Aria released her grip and stepped off of her new pretzel of a sister.

“You still haven't explained,” snarled Adagio. “Why do you do this to every boy you like?”

“I dunno. Just felt like the thing to do, y'know?” said Aria with a shrug. Adagio sighed, then ventured into the house for a moment. She returned shortly with another bottle of wine, which she uncorked with her teeth and took a heavy glug.

“What do you hope to happen every time you do this lunacy?” asked Adagio.

“I guess I'm hoping that the dude will think it's cool and be all impressed,” said Aria.

“Tell me, has this wrestling approach ever worked a single time?!” shouted Adagio.

“Well… no.”

“Then why do you keep trying?!”

“Cause I came close once,” said Aria. “It almost worked when I did Eat Defeat once.”

Adagio would later blame the next moment on the wine and her sister’s contagious stupidity.

“What the hell is Eat Defeat?” she asked. As soon as she did, she regretted it. She tried to abort, to say ‘nevermind, I don't care’, but Aria was too fast.

Aria rushed over to Adagio and grabbed her by the back of the head. With amazing gracefulness and agility, Aria put the bottom of her foot underneath Adagio’s chin. After hopping in place for a moment to keep her balance, Aria fell onto her back, bringing Adagio down and slamming her face against the bottom of Aria’s boot.

“That's Eat Defeat,” said Aria after leaping to her feet. “Any questions?”

Adagio gave no response on account of being mostly unconscious, so Aria assumed her work was done. She turned to drag Sonata’s forlorn body into the house when she saw two people heading towards her. One was easily recognizable as Pinkie Pie (although, bizarrely, she had on a very atypical black cowboy hat). The other person was a boy that Aria had never seen before. He was thin, about Aria’s height, and wore blue jeans and a black hoodie.

“Hiya, Aria!” said Pinkie, waving wildly. “This is the guy I was telling you about!”

“Sup,” said Aria. She hefted Sonata’s body over her shoulder. “Name’s Aria Blaze. You?”

“Kayden Fabe, but most people call me Kay,” said the boy.

“Kay… Fabe. Meh. Whatever. Wanna get out of here? Go do something?”

“That's what a date is, right?” said Kay with a smirk. Aria was already starting to like him, but there was only one way to test for sure.

“Hey, Pinks,” said Aria. “Hold this for me.” She chucked Sonata right into Pinkie’s arms. “Kay, I wanna try something…”

She ran forward suddenly, then leapt into the air with her fist cocked back. She rocketed her hand forward, aiming for the side of Kay’s face.

Kay stepped back, causing Aria to hit nothing but air.

“A stunning reversal!” shouted Pinkie.

“Oh, calm down,” grunted Aria. “Anyone can dodge a Superman Punch. That don't make him Ricky Steamboat.”

“So I guess that means you're not Ric Flair, then?” said Kay snarkily. Aria was surprised by Kay’s knowledge. She thought that his name must have been a coincidence, but it seemed that maybe it wasn't.

“You know your stuff, kid. I'll give you that,” said Aria. “But trivia only goes so far in the ring.”

“Good thing I've got more than just trivia,” Kay shot back. He unzipped his hoodie and dropped it to the floor, revealing his black t-shirt. It had a roadsign on it, with the sign reading “Welcome to Suplex City”. Aria grinned. This was gonna be fun.

“Aww, how'd you know Brock Lesnar was my favorite wrestler?” Aria cracked her knuckles. “If you manage to take my next couple of moves, I might let you try a suplex. If you've earned it.”

“Sounds good,” said Kay. “Let's go.”

“Wait!” Eyes fell on Pinkie, who was gently laying Sonata onto the ground. “We need a ring, and an announcer table!”

“We don't need that stuff for some backyard wrestling,” said Aria.

“Besides, where would you get that stuff anyway?” asked Kay.

“What do you mean?” asked Pinkie, suddenly standing atop an announcers table. Before Aria and Kay had time to be shocked, they realized that a full wrestling ring had materialized around them.

“The battle lines have been drawn!” shouted Pinkie, in her best hype-announcer-from-Texas voice. “Don't change the channel, folks, we're in for a real slobber knocker!”

“Is she…” asked Kay. He turned around just in time to see Aria run, jump up so that her back was parallel with the ground (or mat, as it were), and grab Kay around the neck. Gravity took care of the rest, slamming the two down onto the ground.

“RKO! RKO OUTTA NOWHERE!” Pinkie cheered as if her life depended on it. “With God as my witness, Aria’s killed him!”

“He's fine,” said Aria, though Kay wasn't actually moving. “Don't you think you're exaggerating a little”

“It's my job to exaggerate,” said Pinkie, dropping her accent. “I'm a commentator!”

“Yea… I'm gonna wrap this up,” said Aria. Aria grabbed Kay by the hair, then dragged him over to the turnbuckle. She hoisted him up to the top rope, then grabbed his legs and flipped him up, resting Kay’s neck on her shoulders.

“No! Don't do it, Aria!” shouted Pinkie. She had adopted her deep southern drawl again. “That's a Kinniku Buster! The most dangerous move in the history of sports entertainment!”

“It's not a Kinniku Buster,” promised Aria. Still clutching Kay, she climbed up each turnbuckle, eventually balancing on the topmost part of the ring.

“Thank God for that! The Kinniku Buster is so dangerous, it's banned in every country in the world! Even the Japanese, who invented the move, won't allow it to be used!”

“It's a Super Kinniku Buster.” Before anyone could stop her, Aria jumped into the air and fell down on her butt, driving her shoulder directly into Kay’s head and neck. Kay slumped, collapsing to the mat in a heap.

“BY GAWD ALMIGHTY, SHE'S BROKEN HIM IN HALF!” shouted Pinkie, throwing her hat down on the table. “HE'LL NEVER WALK AGAIN!”

“Guess I win,” said Aria, stretching her hands above her head. “I mean, there was no bell, so I guess we didn't technically have a match at all, but I'm still standing. So—”

Suddenly, Aria felt two arms wrap around her middle. She looked back to see Kay gripping her tightly. Though he was standing and fighting, it was obvious that he was a little worse for wear.

“Brock is my favorite, too,” he grunted. Before Aria could respond, Kay hefted Aria up and slammed her backwards.

“German Suplex!” called Pinkie. “A stunning German Suplex has turned to momentum in favor of the challenger.

“Welcome to Suplex City, babe,” said Kay. He fell onto Aria’s torso, hooking her leg up.

Pinkie quickly dove into the ring, now wearing a black and white referee shirt. She slid to the mat, then counted.

“1! 2! 3!” she shouted, punctuating each count with a slap to the mat. She called for the bell, which mysteriously rang despite having no one to ring it and it not actually existing.

“And the winner is Kaydeeeeeeen Faaaaaaaabe!” announced Pinkie, raising Kay’s arm in victory. Kay turned to help Aria up, surprised to see her blush.

“You okay?” asked Kay. Aria tried not to show it, but there were butterflies in her stomach. That suplex was just perfect, flawlessly executed with just the right amount of power. It sent her heart into a flurry.

“Awesome,” said Aria, completely awestruck. “Frigging awesome.”

Author's Note

This is a weird story. If you're not big into professional wrestling, a lot of these jokes might go clean over your head. Still, I hope you've enjoyed, and be sure to tell me what it is you did and what it is you didn't.