Stinky Sam’s Interdimensional Hot n Ready Get it in thirty minutes or less or it’s free Pizza Restaurant Store Extravaganza

by Fizzydog

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Alternate Universe, Dark, Comedy, Adventure, Science Fiction
Length: 1642

Rainbow Dash gets fired, again, and she finally might find a job where she fits in.

Hi I'm Stinky Sam and this is Stinky Sam’s Interdimensional Hot n Ready Get it in thirty minutes or less or it’s free Pizza Restaurant Store Extravaganza. We got Pizza and we're gonna deliver it to you in thirty minutes or less! It doesn't matter if you're a pre-sentient primitive species developing a crude organized society deep inside a magma planet, or an omnipotent godlike being floating in the ether between dimensions, incapable of mortal understanding! We'll deliver anywhere, to anyone, as long as you got the cash! With our new patented Inter dimensional portal gun, we can deliver a hot n ready pizza in thirty minutes or less from the time you order to the time you pay, or it's FREE! I'm Stinky Sam and this is my Stinky Guarantee! Call now if you're a carbon based life form capable of communication through sound waves, or if you're a sentient AI simply log onto our website, type in your address and dimension and place your order! Hurry now, before we're all out of pizzas! Locations in Baltimare, Canterlot, Sector CCC-X18 Designated Commercial Operation of the Dominion of Misha, Cincinnati, Manehatten, X'iShugnA and now, Ponyville!

Dashie, welcome to your new job.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-29 18:50:01 UTC

Chapter 1: Rainbow Dash Needs Her Labor Exploited

Okay, okay, so she wasn’t the best employee.

But it was routine weather maintenance that paid barely above minimum wage. What else did they expect of her?

To be at work EVERY DAY?

According to the text across her PiePhone (Christ what a pun huh guys? I’m back at it! I’m writing pony fanfics again! After three years I’m back at it!!!!), that was exactly what they expected her.

And that’s why she was fired.

Rainbow Dash rolled back into her sheets, staring at her ceiling. This was bullshit! She hadn’t missed THAT much work. Last week, she made four of her five shifts, and the week before that…uh, two…and before that she was late everyday…still, all she had to do was kick some clouds with a group of other ponies! It was no big deal to be a couple minutes…or hours…late every once in a while…or daily.

It was that dick Fritz. He always chastised her for anything she did wrong. Accidentally destroy a "carefully arranged storm meant to fulfill the water quota for the next month"? Apparently, you’re the worst employee ever and aren’t getting over time for staying after your scheduled shift end to help put a new storm back together! It was so unfair. And then he had the nerve to still expect her to come in on time the next day! A pony needs her sleep!

Dash covered her face with a pillow. Great. Now she needed to find a new job, or her parents would totally make her move back in with them. Why wouldn’t the Wonderbolts hire her already!? How come it’s still Season 2 in this fanfic!?! Why does this plot have to require Dash to not already be a wonderbolt? So stupid!

Dash wishes she was literally any of the other ponies. Twilight’s parents are rich like Dash’s, but rather than make Twilight work for *her* free home like Dash’s parents do, all Twilight has to do is study and maintain the library and send some letters to Celestia! Dash could totally do that, why doesn’t the princess make HER a royal student?

Right, she flunked the flight school exit exam. But hey, she killed the physical section! That should count for something, right? Make her a Royal Guard or whatever.

She could be like Pinkie, and have to do nothing but bake cupcakes every day all day freaking long. Of course, then she’d have to live with the Cakes, and Dash heard they’re not quiet during their…intimate activities. Plus, Dash orders most of her food through apps, so she might not make the best cook.

Okay, well what about Rarity? She just like, colors dresses. Or something. Does she sew? What does Rarity even do? Also does she sell her dresses out of her shop, or do they get sent somewhere? Man, Dash really needs to find out what Rarity does with her life.

Applejack already gave Dash a job once. That didn’t work out. Dash heard they’re still finding pieces of the old barn in the orchard.

Fluttershy was the one who has it easiest! If Dash didn’t want to look like a little bitch, she would totally cuddle adorable little fuzzy animals all day! Uh, don’t tell anyone she called them adorable please. Wait a minute, who pays Fluttershy? Does she get paid? How does she afford the best home in Ponyville!?

Dash swiped open her phone and dialed her BFF’s number. Well actually, sometimes she considers Pinkie her BFF cause Fluttershy is kind of a bitch and Pinkie can actually take a joke (Like really? How was Dash supposed to know those Scorpions are real!? Who keeps real scorpions in a jar!?). Still, Dash definitely runs to Fluttershy when she needs to, cause Fluttershy is always there to help. She'll help ANYONE.

Wow, that came out wrong. Or did it? Maybe Dash is an asshole who uses people. Hm. She thinks for a second, but concludes naw, she’s cool.

Dash dials Flutters number. Fluttershy is convinced radio waves causes brain cancer, so she doesn’t own a cell phone. She still has a LANDLINE. Dash used to make so many dialup jokes, but then Fluttershy stopped laughing after a while. No sense of humor!

As usual, Fluttershy screens her phone call. How many people actually call Fluttershy besides Dash? Like really? Who are you screening for? Right, Fluttershy is too polite to hang up on telemarketers. That's her excuse anyway.

“Pick up, it’s me. Pickuppickuppickuppickuppic-“

“O-oh sorry Rainbow Dash. I was um, doing..um something…not on the phone.”

Right,

“It’s cool Flutter butter,” Rainbow cringed. Why did she just say that? “I was uh, wondering…um…what do you do for a living?”

There was a deafening silence from Fluttershy’s end for several long seconds. “…Really? You don’t know what I do?”

Dash could feel herself blushing. “Er, of course I do! I uh, was just wondering about the specifics…”

There was another pause. “Dash, I’m not giving you a job.”

Dash sighed. “Why not!? I can like, totally help you hold animals or whatever.”

“Do you know anything about animal health care, Dash? Can you apply anesthetics to a creature weighing less than five pounds? Can you differentiate between a mere itch caused by the Everfree Mosquito and a deadly rash caused by the Weeping Shrub? Do you know how to check an antelope for prostrate cancer?”

“I-I can learn!” Dash definitely did not want to be sticking her hoof up some antelope’s ass, but Fluttershy was probably lying about that one.

“Dash, I love you, but I have to be assertive and say no. You need to find a job and stick with it. Stop jumping ship at every wave..”

Rainbow mumbled a quick goodbye and hung up the phone. Great. Now she actually has to LEAVE THE HOUSE to find a job.

Wait, no she doesn’t, not with the power of the internet!

Dash flipped open her laptop and went straight to Gooogle, a corporation so embedded into society it permeates dimensions! (Hey, since this fanfic is about multiple dimensions maybe this will come into play later! Neat!) Except in this reality, it has an extra O. Dash always wonders why they named it gooogle; she had heard about the world google meaning a lot of fucking zeroes, but she never understood why they added the extra O. Maybe to highlight the fact this is a different dimension from the one the readers are living in? Who knows.

Dash typed into the Google search bar “google”, then clicked on the link to google and typed in “jobs near me”.

Lets see. Carousel Boutique, now hiring an assistant ‘dress specialist’. Ew. Dash isn’t gonna help some fancy shmancy mare shove her fat bourgeois flank into a dress three sizes too small. (Even though Dash comes from a well off family, she enjoys acting like she’s a common prole. Something Gilda instilled in her from their time skipping classes at flight school, smoking pot and ragging on how oppressive the system is between sessions of making out. Ah, to be a teen again.)

Haha, Ponyville Weather Department, now hiring a ‘weather specialist’! Good luck with tha-…wait, did the position just close? They already found somepony else!?

Hayburger Queen, hiring ‘grill specialists’. Eh, we’ll put that one on the backburner. Dash worked at MacDonny’s, a shitty Equestrian knockoff of “McDonalds” that fired her for ‘wage theft’. Apparently taking naps in the store room wasn’t allowed there. Fast food sucked, plus Dash gained like ten pounds from all the free meals. Pass.

Hoofington Post ‘receptionist specialist’. Seriously? Even that gets called a “specialist”? As stupid as the position title was, Dash would totally apply for this one if Hoofington Post weren’t the nosy assholes who accused her dad of fraud. They’re dead to her now. She likes to kick over their newspaper stand in front of Sugarcube Corner when Mrs. Cake isn’t looking.

Stinky Sam’s Interdimensional Hot n Ready Get it in thirty minutes or less or it’s free Pizza Restaurant Store Extravaganza is hiring an interdimensional pizza delivery specialist? Wait, was this that new place that opened on the corner of Hoof Street and Sparkle Way? (Fun Fact: Sparkle Way had the hottest gay bars in all of Ponyville; and by gay bars we mean singular gay bar, and by singular gay bar we mean, the place where  Lyra sells cider and flirts with all the mares.) This place looked cool! Apparently they used like, science or some shit to deliver pizza across dimensions. Dash guesses this business model was successful, since this store started in Baltimare and now there’s a franchise in Ponyville! Something about an infinite number of universes meaning an infinite pool of customers? Good for business she guesses. Their pizza kind of sucks though. The breadsticks aren’t bad.

Dash clicked on the “apply now” page, which led her to a small form. She filled in her basic ID info; Name, birthday, place of birth, favorite Prench drama. The basics. Yadda yadda yadda, what days are you available, references (Dash left that one blank), sign this form that gives us no responsibility to injury or death caused by trans dimensional travel and its associated dangers, enter your email…

Wait, what!?

Dash scrolled back up to the form. “The applicant agrees that under no circumstances is Stinky Sam’s Interdimensional Hot n Ready Get it in thirty minutes or less or it’s free Pizza Restaurant Store Extravaganza responsible for any harm that comes to the applicants being, whether physical, financial or emotional, and that Stinky Sam’s is not responsible for any lingering monsters, diseases, or existential crises that occur during the deliveries of pizza across infinite dimensions of infinite possibilities.”

Monsters!? Traveling dimensions!? Great risk to personal safety!!?

“This…. sounds…. AWESOME!!!”

Dash clicked submit.