The Pastanomorebu Journey

by sevenofeleven

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Alternate Universe, Dark, Comedy
Length: 3351

An amnesiac pegasus mare travels the culinary post apocalyptic wastelands of Equestria.

Join Blue Cheese, SliceEar and MiniTorch as they travel through the culinary wastelands of post apocalyptic Equestria. See them encounter the good, the bad and the oh so bland.

This is a food based parody of AeLuna's Pastromorbo Epidemic.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-12 22:19:31 UTC

A missed dinner date

Blue Cheese, a pale blue pegasus mare luxuriated in the warmth coming from the Spa Heater. She couldn’t believe her luck that today was her birthday and a spa day too. It took her a few minutes to remember what the spa attendant said about the cleansing liquid that along with the heat would cleanse her of impurities. After that, she would be ready to meet some griffons for a dinner date. Now the heat just went through her body and she felt so tired and relaxed.

Cooked Meals, the brown earth pony just looked at Blue and then grabbed a baster. She put it in the marinade and sucked up some more. Blue welcomed the marinade dripped all over her body with a blissful sigh. Another earth pony came in. This one was reddish brown and called Sharp Slice.

Sharp Slice looked at Blue who was almost soaking in the marinade then she grimaced. “Really, this poor nag thinks she’s spa material?”

Cooked narrowed her eyes. “Shush Slice, let the poor thing enjoy her few last minutes alive.”

Blue on the other hoof was deep in a memory.

Several months ago

Blue slowly woke up from some sort of dream. Tears dripped from her eyes. Something important was fading away and she mourned its’ loss. Then it was gone. She sniffled once and looked at the dirty dingy grey ceiling.

A voice spoke. “Are you okay? Do you remember who you are?” Blue reached back into her memories but there was nothing there. She kept trying. It was like being in an endless free fall with nothing to stop her.

“It seems that you have amnesia. How about I call you Blue Cheese?” Blue stopped grabbing for nothing and looked at who was speaking to her.  It was a brown unicorn stallion. His right ear looked like it had been cut up. The sight caused tears to well up in Blue’s eyes. Before Blue could say something another unicorn trotted into view. This one wore a lab coat and a cold sneer.

“SliceEar, what did I tell you about talking to patients?” The white unicorn said.

“Sorry, I’ll get back to work,” SliceEar bowed and rushed off.

Then the white unicorn peered closely at Blue like she was a lab specimen. “My name is Doctor Jab More. You can call me Doctor. I will have a gurney prepared so you can be taken to the lab.”

“Do you remember any of your past?” Jab More said. Blue shook her head.

Jab More sighed. He knew the story forward and backwards but it still bored him. “There was a war between Celestia, King Sombra and Queen Chrysalis. Somepony used some sort of ultimate spell and then the manure hit the fan. Almost everypony died except for the lucky few. Then a magic fueled disease ravaged the survivors. It’s Pastanostru Nostyum or the Pasta Plague. Those that suffer from the disease fall into a coma and a few wake up. The ones that wake, lose their memories but they can sneeze or cough up pasta. Some unfortunately wake up hungry and can almost never sate their appetites. We call them peck’uns.”

The idea that ponies could cough up pasta made Blue smile, it seemed so silly. “Doctor, that’s silly that ponies can cough up food.”

Dr. Jab just looked at Blue. “Well, I heard a story about a pink earth pony who sneezed confetti on demand. Think she lived in Ponyville. We will take you to the lab and check out what you sneeze.”

Blue looked at the doctor. “What’s a peck’un again?”

Dr. Jab sneered. “Oh, do pay attention, I don’t want to go over this tiresome subject again. Peck’uns is short for peckish ones or hungry ones. Their culinary sophistication is very low.”

“Do you remember your name?” The doctor asked while peering closely at Blue again.

This time Blue knew the answer to this question. “It’s Blue Cheese.” The doctor frowned.

Blue looked around at the rumpled bedding and the sick ponies that lay on it and wondered about where she was. “Where am I?”

Dr. Jab looked around. “Where is that damned gurney crew? Oh, you are in the Culinary School called La Licorne Faim or the hungry unicorn if you don’t speak Pranch.”

Blue sat up. “What’s pranch?”

Dr. Jab sighed. “Pranch is the language spoken by ponies that live in Prance.” Two earth ponies came by with a gurney with a squeaking wheel. To Blue, it sounded like a kitten crying.

Dr. Jab’s horn glowed and Blue was picked up and dumped on the gurney. Then the gurney was wheeled away. She must have fallen asleep because the next thing she remembered was waking up in a cold lab and feeling something in her head. The feeling of pressure increased until it was so painful, all Blue could see was red. She just had to sneeze!

Dr. Jab ran up with a small pan in time while Blue sneezed pasta into the pan. It make him queasy to see brown tubes come out of her nose. When Blue was done, Dr. Jab took the pan to the sink to wash the pasta. Then he reluctantly tasted some.

It had the right amount of firmness, al dente. He thought that was a good start. Unfortunately the nutty taste made him spit the bits of pasta into the sink. Whole wheat pasta was a terrible match for the self indulgent foods of La Licorne. He shook his head and wondered if Blue would be useful elsewhere. If she had sneezed up something nice like alicorn hair or trotellini, that would’ve been great. Two tired foals were handling the basic macaroni and another pony was making ziti.

Blue slowly raised her head and looked at the doctor. “Well, doctor, is my pasta any good?” The doctor ignored her while he got a bunch of tubes and a blood drawing kit. She watched him with growing levels of apprehension. Then Blue found out what his specialty was and the doctor jabbed her painfully with a needle. After a few minutes there was another jab and they didn’t stop for a while.

In the Kitchen.

A tiny voice in Blue’s mind was screaming to get up and do something but Blue just ignored it. The warmth was just sooo soothing. Hot Meals was about to push Blue back into the oven when SliceEar appeared. He looked around then used his telekinesis to grab some knives.

A quick glance showed him that it was the maid’s day off in the kitchen. “You guys should really clean up. What if a health inspector were to show up? The facility would be closed down for sure.”

Sharp Slice laughed around the knife handle in her mouth.. “All of the health inspectors are dead or worse they’re peck’uns.” Cooked Meals just glared at SliceEar.

“Well, I suggest that you leave here or things could get messy...” SliceEar said. Cooked Meals looked at the tray.

SliceEar narrowed his eyes. “I wouldn’t do it.”

Cooked Meals sighed. “Drop your knife Slice. We can just walk away without being hurt. I think they’re running low on bandages.”

Sharp Slice snarled. “They could use honey on wounds.”

SliceEar’s eyes narrowed again. “I used the last of the honey for my cookies. Of course when your head is flying through the air, no amount of honey is going to help.”

Sharp Slice spat her knife on the ground. It hit the dirty brown tiled floor with a clatter. Both of the cooks left the kitchen. SliceEar ran up to Blue. “Wake up Blue. Wake up!” He even shook the baking tray but Blue was too blissed out to respond. Finally SliceEar moved the tray next to one of the large sinks. Then he ran the cold water a bit. When it was cold enough, he aimed the faucet at Blue. The ice cold water brought her out of her stupor, spitting and cursing.

“What the hell? That’s no way to treat a mare on her spa day!” Blue said with narrowed eyes.

SliceEar stepped back in surprise. “Spa day? Are you daft? They were putting you in an oven and cooking you!”

Blue waved her left fore hoof. “You got it all wrong. Today’s my birthday and Dr. Jab More said that on birthday’s ponies get a spa day. I was getting my impurities removed so I can be the guest of honor at a dinner with griffins. I’m a pony with good taste.” SliceEar used his telekinesis to pick up a baster.

He sniffed it then waved it at Blue. “This probably has a cocktail of drugs to make you feel calm. Angry or scared ponies make for tough and bad tasting meat. To the griffins, you would taste good.”

Blue flinched. “No, no way. Griffins don’t eat ponies.”

SliceEar sighed. “Well when things were good, griffins wouldn’t eat ponies but now things have changed.”

Again Blue waved her fore hoof. “I don’t beli-” At that moment the tannoys sounded.

Blue looked around. “What's that horrible sound?”

“Tannoys. Horrid birds with long legs and even longer beaks. They like to peck and peck until their target stops moving. We n-”

Blue interrupted SliceEar. “I thought those were loudspeakers.” She pointed at the ceiling.

“What?” SliceEar said.

The loudspeakers in the ceilings started up. “Gooood afternoon La Licorne Faim! We have an honoured dinner guest named Blue who has lost her way. Help the poor lamb find it by reporting to your friendly security agents if you have seen her. Bonus points if your name is Mary. Remember security is everypony’s concern. If you see something, neigh something. At five pm, we have a poetry reading. Show up early if you want a good seat. Bad seats show up much later. That’s all for now!” SliceEar looked at Blue. Blue looked back.

SliceEar grimaced. “Well, get out of that damned pan and let’s go already!” Blue climbed out of the pan and looked around the dirty kitchen. Too much dust and globs of some sort of fat seemed to cover almost every surface. It was almost enough to make her stomach churn. Blue wondered how she had thought this was some sort of spa and not a filthy kitchen. Then she remembered that Dr. Jab More gave her a shot. They left the kitchen and Blue managed not to slip on the floor.

Unlike the kitchen, the hallway just had light green walls covered with cracks. It was also cooler too. SliceEar led her through a maze of hallways lit by orange lights.

Blue smiled. “Maybe it’s all a misunderstanding?”

SliceEar stopped and looked back at Blue. “If the griffins eat you, don’t come crying to me that you were wrong and I was right. Come on Blue, we just gotta get out of here!” Then he began to root through his saddlebags. “Holy Hand grenade, no let’s save that for vorpal bunnies. Pineapple? No let’s save that for a pizza. Ah here it is, a grenade. Okay, now where is that manual. Let’s see, a Playstallion. What the heck? Oh yeah, the article on escaping facilities. Finally, the manual. Pull pin, throw grenade far away, hide behind cover.” SliceEar ran back down the hall followed by Blue then he threw the grenade.

The dull grey sphere flew through the air and hit the wall. A boom filled the hallway and the force of the explosion pushed Blue and SliceEar up against the wall roughly. Blue wanted to say something but her ears were ringing too much. She couldn’t hear the screams of the ponies whose dinners and lunches were disturbed by the explosion. Many of them probably didn’t appreciate having plaster in their wine or being crushed by falling ceilings. When the ringing had died down a bit Blue heard a guard scream, “Hey you! No throwing grenades on this floor!”

SliceEar looked down the hall then ran for the hole in the floor. He used his telekinesis to drag Blue along with him. “Blue we need you to fly real soon or it’s flapjacks for us.”

Blue wrinkled her nose. “Flapjacks? What are those?”

SliceEar sighed. They were getting close to the hole in the floor. “Pancakes! We’ll be as flat as pancakes if you don’t remember to fly!”

Blue smiled. “Mmmm pancakes. Where are they? I could use one or five now.” SliceEar gulped as they tumbled into the hole.

Falling, Brays like this

Blue and SliceEar fell through the lower floors of the facility. She saw a sign that read “T-virus testing.” Then they fell some more. She saw another sign “Mr. T-virus testing.” Instead of a blank wall she saw a bunch of zebra stallions being weighed down by ridiculous amounts of gold. “I pity the foal!” followed her as they fell past the zebras.

SliceEar managed to gather some of his composure. “Blue, would you kindly start flying now.” For a moment Blue had a flashback where she killed a haughty stallion with a golf club then it faded away.

“A slave obeys but a pony chooses,” Blue said as she spread her wings.

SliceEar shook his head. “What?” At first it seemed that her wings were having no effect, the grey ground still rose up at them too fast. She flapped her wings more and the ground slowed its’ approach.

Blue smiled. “I got this.” Then pain started its’ slow march up her wings. She began to regret the extra cookies she begged from SliceEar. The ground regained its’ interest in her and began to head towards her again. The next few moments were a blur as she tried not to hit the ground hard. Blue hoped that maybe that she would miss the ground and still keep flying. The pain and darkness that moved in on her dashed that hope.

It was dark, really dark. Then she opened her eyes. It wasn’t too much of an improvement. Gingerly she tried all of her legs. Blue hoped they all worked. Her escape would fail miserably if she ended up outside the facility and couldn’t go no further.  All of her legs ached but they could be used. A quick flap of her wings showed they worked but painfully.

The silence and darkness pressed down on her. Blue whipped her head around looking for SliceEar or for anything that would relieve her blindness. She thought about calling for SliceEar but then fear slunk into her mind. The idea that something was silently waiting to pounce on her kept Blue’s mouth shut.

Blue slowly crawled forward, sniffing all the way. At first it was just cold stone and mud she smelled then the scent of burned wood hit her nose. The darkness seemed to be less dark up ahead. She crawled a little faster. Her ears pointed forward then they strained to pick up any sound. At first she heard her own movements, but later on she heard the wind outside.

A few moments later, the howl of a wolf made Blue stop moving. She focused all of her attention on her ears. Behind the howling there was galloping or running sounds. The sounds grew louder as something approached. Panic fought the need to be warm. Panic won. She felt around for something to hide behind as the hoof or footsteps grew louder. Finally, she felt the ice cold side of a boulder. A second later, she hid behind it as the hoof steps entered the cave. Blue peeked around the boulder to see what had entered the cave.

Some creature was humming. Blue didn’t recognize the tune.

Then the creature began to sing. “Momma said there'd be brays like this. there'd be brays like this momma said.”

Blue sang, “Momma said, momma said.” There was a faint red glow then a tower of flame flew up from the ground with a loud whoosh! The pillar sunk down into a small campfire but the damage was done. Now Blue could see the creature and it could see her!

At first Blue thought the creature was a foal, it seemed so small but the way it narrowed its’ dark eyes showed that it was older. Blue could see that this unicorn filly had been through a lot, the poor thing’s black coat was crisscrossed with pale scars while a bloody bandage was wrapped around its’ neck. Also the unfortunate creature was missing most of a foreleg. The area below the thigh was gone. Only a bunch of yellowing vines tied like a tourniquet kept the filly from bleeding out.

The filly snarled. “I will burn you, lurker in the dark! Though your backup singing was alright.” Her horn was covered with a red glow then the filly went flying into the cave wall with a squeal.

SliceEar walked up to Blue and looked around. “You okay?” Blue just nodded.

A voice said,”I can’t feel my spleen.”

Blue moved up to the fire so she could feel more of its’ fading warmth. “Where were you?”

A voice said that the rock wall was cold.

SliceEar grimaced. “I woke up in the dark and had to feel around. I heard the singing. You know how dangerous that could be?”

Blue shook her head. “No.”

SliceEar sighed. “I guess we have to deal with this new problem.”

A voice asked, “What problem?”

SliceEar walked up to the filly that was still lying in the dirt. An orange aura surrounded her. “I have enough power to crush your head like an egg.” Blue’s stomach grumbled. She could go for a nice crepe. The black filly moaned.

SliceEar’s eyes narrowed. “I will tolerate no treachery. If I command it, you will fling yourself into the flaming cracks of Doom!” To Blue, it seemed like SliceEar grew into a tall powerful shadowy figure. Something as powerful as an Alicorn. The filly yelped as SliceEar used his telekinesis to push her even deeper into the dirt. A familiar pain started to build up in Blue’s head.

SliceEar shrunk back down to pony size. Blue knew the truth. SliceEar was being a dick. Abusing his power.

She slapped him with her left forehoof. “Really? Cracks of Doom? Let the poor creature up already!” SliceEar looked away. Then he glanced back at Blue. The bright orange aura faded away to a faint glow that raised the filly to her hooves.

SliceEar looked at the black filly. “I’m, I’m sorry. Please don’t betray us.”

The filly’s eyes narrowed for a moment. “Name’s MiniTorch!” Blue’s vision faded to red and she fell to the floor and moaned. SliceEar looked away from MiniTorch and rummaged through his saddle bags for a pot. He stuck it under Blue’s nose totally oblivious of MiniTorch’s disgusted gaze.

“Ewww! I’m not eating snot pasta!” MiniTorch said.

SliceEar looked back at her. “What’s not pasta? It’s whole wheat. It’s pretty healthy. Don’t worry, I will wash it off before I start boiling.”

MiniTorch looked at SliceEar’s saddlebags. “Do you have a nice tomato sauce or maybe some alfredo sauce?”

SliceEar shook his head sadly. “No, just some catsup packages and basil.”

MiniTorch grimaced. “Maybe you should’ve crushed my head. I prefer ketchup.” She looked at Blue who was lying in the dirt.

SliceEar followed her gaze. “Don’t worry, she should be up when this is done. So you don’t want some?”

MiniTorch watched as SliceEar washed the pasta. Her small stomach growled loudly. “Yeah, I guess so.” By the time the pasta was ready Blue was up. While she ate, worries about the future filled her mind. One worry was about MiniTorch.

Blue faced MiniTorch as she sucked up some pasta with a slurp. “MiniTorch, can we trust you?”

MiniTorch grinned. “Heck, no! I’m gonna burn you guys to cinders.  Well, yes. My mum’s dead and I'm all alone.” SliceEar peered at her. MiniTorch continued. “I’m not a peck’un.” She looked back at Blue and SliceEar with a big grin. Now Blue had one less worry as she ate. Maybe?