Author's Note
Seriously just for fun, more is planned to come!
Excessive swearing. Kinda.
Assmarks and Monsters.
Sleeping happened to be one of my favorite things to do. I would crawl into bed after a long day of doing nothing, only to do even more nothing is an amazing feeling. Sleep has never led me astray, a good sleep really hit the spot, and the following morning is always anticipated, except maybe for this morning.
Today was one of THOSE days, you know one of those days that is like “Wow what a great morning! I'm all refreshed and shit!” Then shit literally hits a fan. If you know what I'm talking about even if I worded it really weirdly then you've had one of those days.
Well I expected to wake up in my soft bed, with my head all snuggled into my pillows, but instead fate had a different plan.
I woke in a field of flowers, a meadow I should say, it was surrounded on all sides by trees all fully green and whatever colors trees have. The meadow was full of pretty flowers, and when I say “Full” I mean like the entire field was covered in vibrant flowers, filling it to the very edge, tickling the roots of the tree fringe. Now I was okay with this, maybe I had gotten into some really freaky deaky drugs the night before? Who hasn't? Maybe I got kidnapped, then dumped here like last weeks Victoria’s Secret Magazine? Whatever happened I sure hope it wasn't particularly bad.
I slowly cracked my back, then cracked my knuckles, stretching out as good as I could. Pretty good morning, I feel good. Right?
“WHAT THE STRAWBERRY HORSE NUTS” My screams stirred up a flock of birds, they took off from the tree line, flying over head.
Okay, maybe I wasn't okay with this. I proceeded to keep yelling out random obscenities, cursing those that could be responsible.
While freaking out in a casual way, I failed to realize I had stumbled into a patch of particularly pretty and vibrant blue flowers. Now that I think of it, EVERYTHING is really vibrant, but these flowers were pure blue, and quite pretty.
I didn't take the time to considered how strange flowers could be poisonous in someway, well as you could imagine silly ole me walked through that patch of blue flowers, short pants on and everything. I brushed by those little blue bastards, and enjoyed it too, they were nice and soft against the skin. Well at any rate I was beginning to calm down, for whatever reason, and actually started to feel mellow and all tingly. A surge of energy claimed me, and a strong emotional need to dance. Oh baby, I needed to get my dance on, and I needed to do it bad. The fire within' burned with the intensity of a thousand suns. My legs were the first to move on that fateful day, they bounced to an imaginary beat, then my arms joined in, wiggling and doing dancey things, which was really weird since I didn't know how to dance.
“I'm okay with this.”
And I really was okay with it, I had a serene sense of calmness, and I quite frankly didn't want it to go away. I started into a Michael Jackson dance solo, complete with crotch grabbing action. I even grabbed an imaginary hat and did the most badass moon walk ever, the flowers all seemed to part, allowing me a clear path of complete awesomeness. I felt like freaking Moses, without the Egyptian army on my ass. Which was a plus, and for a moment, all my worries and panic, melted away.
Then it happened. A moment in my life that would change it forever, and for the better, well maybe, it was the first day I met her. Standing on the edge of the blue flowers stood a horse, neigh, a Pony. Kinda tiny for a horse, anyways, she had a light beige coat, and a white braided mane. I screamed. Now, I've never screamed like a girl harder than I had that day, it was a complete shrill, high pitched squeal, like I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar. She startled me, to say the least. I even jumped two feet in the air. After I realized it was just a horse, and I had a little mini heart attack for no reason, I regained my composer and brushed off my clothing casually.
“Right. Ah. Hmm. A horse. Fuck. Why'd I have to be stuck on a horse farm.” I took a real good look at the horse, and for some reason it had saddle bags on, full of flowers, but oddly none of the pretty blue flowers. Oh and she had really big eyes.
...
Jesus, what the fuck.
And those big ass eyes happened to be staring right at me, and how I missed it before I don't know, but the horse had a really startled FACIAL expression, like I scared it, bitch you scared me. Wait, horses don't facial with their faces.
...
Alright, I've been abducted by aliens and now I've been dropped off on an alien planet to be hunted by predator.
...
That's not right. Its a dream, why else would I have the dance moves of M.J and the powers of Moses in my shoes. As if on cue my leg started bouncing to a beat again. I resisted the urge with much willpower.
...
I coughed slightly before addressing the horse/pony thing. “...Hey there little guy, you're not gonna eat me are you?”
Would you believe me if I told you that the little horse screamed? Well she did, and boy oh boy, did she startle poor uncle Alastar. I joined right along, matching her shrill scream with my own, squeal vs squeal.
I like to think I won that scream off as she literally fainted falling face first into the blue flowers, with her tail flopping down onto her back, and her ass high in the air. Now I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure passing out in a field with your ass in the air is dangerous to ones health. I dunno, its a hunch.
I really really wanted to bolt in the opposite direction, but the burning desire to dance was nagging at the back of my mind, and the morality of leaving an ass up horse passed out alone in the field. Weirdos could be out here you know. Anyways, I did a groovy little shuffle towards the still form, I actively avoided her rear and instead focused on poking her head. I tried a few times, very unsuccessfully, so I travelled up to her back, gave her a little pokey poke.
“Wakey wakey little monster horse thing, if I help you, you have to promise not to eat me.”
...
HOLY SHIT IT HAS A TATTOO. Who the fuck tattoos their horse?? “Damn... her ink is better than mine.” As if to prove a point to no one, I flexed my arm, making my tattoo of a smiley face wiggle. “I still love you Mr. Wiggles, even if you're out shone by horse tats.”
The horse tattoo was a really pretty flower, blue, yellow, and pink petals, with a short stem. Kinda like a rose, without the thorns. The word “Flower” was written out on her right flank. A brand perhaps? It wasn't on the other flank. Kinda like the one I have on my left ass cheek.
Well me thinking like a 2 year old, I gave the horse tat a good pat, which wasn't a good idea looking back on it now. The Pony jumped right up, her eyes wide, and her tail in between her legs, letting out a terrified scream. She took off, running away towards the woods, screaming her head off as her saddle bags bounced violently against her sides. She broke into the tree fringe quickly disappearing into the green under growth.
I gave chase, looking back I still don't understand why, but I swallowed my fear and followed the beige monster horse.
I broke into the fringe, stumbling into the dense under growth. The first noticeable thing was the silence, this place was unsettling compared to the beautiful, serene, meadow I had left behind. Conveniently the tiny horse had left a neat little flower trail which I followed deep into the forest. It didn't take long to find the source, the pony was flopped over a tree root, her sides heaving as she panted heavily, and whimpered slightly.
“Wow, You really tired yourself out!”
“Running away from a monster tends to do that to you.”
...
And let the squealing begin. I let loose a big one, I jumped back onto my ass, squealing away.
“IT CAN TALK”
“I CAN TALK!”
...
I'm not a psychologist, but I'm pretty sure this pony was terrified of me moments ago, and I'm no expert on horses, but I'm 99% sure they can't talk, so I must be tripping major balls.
“Don't eat me!”
“I'm a herbivore you dunce, if anything, you'd eat me! And now you've gotten poison joke all over me! Foolish everfree vermin. You've no idea the power these plants hold!”
...
“Did they turn you into a bitch?”
She gave me the most “The fuck” look I've ever seen. Pretty impressive considering she was a horse.
“No, they didn't turn me into a diamond dog, they make me fearlessly rude. They always have.” She moved to get up but collapsed back down in pain.
“Ouch.. Fuck..” She proceeded to move a hoof to her mouth as if offended by her sudden vulgar word.
“Are you okay?” I asked somewhat concerned for the small horse, and kinda guilty since I felt somewhat responsible.
“No, I'm not okay, a freaking monster appears in my field, scares the fuck out of me, gets me poisoned, and then chases me through the woods, causing me to sprain my hoof in the middle of the freaking EVERFREE FOREST! Other than that, I'm just peachy.”
Sucker punch. It was my fault. Shit.
“I'm sensing hostility.”
“You're damn right! If I could walk I would beat your skinny ass! Now enough talk, either eat me or release me foul demon, but do not waste my time with talk.”
Apparently the poison was worsening, and so was her language. “Look, I'm pretty lost, I have no idea where I am, or what you are. I need help, and it seems to me that you need help. I'll make you a deal, if you help me get out of these woods, I'll let you kick my ass.” She spent a moment pondering the offer, she bit at her lip a few times, and her face seemed to lighten up. Probably at the idea of kicking my ass.
“Deal, now pick me up pink monkey.”
That's racist...
A few awkward attempts, and a lot of angry horse noises later, I had successfully thrown the pony onto my back, her hooves wrapped around my neck. Nothing like giving your enemies the advantage, eh? We eventually got comfortable and she pointed me in the right direction, and so began the epic journey of a life time. With small talk included. The angry pony I had on my back seemed to have calmed down to the point where she sounded less angry. Yay? Well I thought it would be good to strike up a little conversation.
“Is another symptom of this flower uncontrollable urges to dance?” The horse gave off an audible sigh before answering.
“No, they affect everypony differently, and with different potency. They're just playing a practical joke, stupid really. Dumb plant. I understand that you walked through an ass load, and apparently your only symptom is an urge to dance?”
“Yes.”
“...Are you dancing?”
“No.”
“Lucky you! Must mean you're heavily resistant, you'll come in handy as my new slave”
“I take it you aren't usually so rude and vulgar?”
“Enough talk, go that way skinny ape.” She pointed towards a swampy area.
“Rude.”
“A friend of mine lives in there, hopefully we'll get to her house before a Manticore kills us, or worse.”
That made me trip up a bit, causing the little pony to smack her head against mine. Its official, I was abducted by predator and now I, and a bunch of exotic prey, are being hunted on this vibrant world. Oh and there is apparently more horse monsters. Excellent.
“Watch what you're doing, you clumsy Baboon!”
I gently placed the little pony on a nice dry spot under a tree, rubbing at the back of my head.
“Oh we're so fucked! Predator is going to get us!!”
Again, for a horse, she has a really good “The fuck” face, but I had a feeling she was only an expert because of the Poison Joke.
“We're not fucked!”
“We're so fucked! Elephant dick right in the ass, no reach around!!”
“What the fu-”
“I've seen this in a movie! A whole bunch of prey is taken from all around the universe, all sorts of life forms, big, small, dangerous, and not so dangerous. They place them all on some weird planet to be used as a hunting ground! I think we fall under the “Not so dangerous” category! Even mythical monsters aren't safe!”
“Quiet you fool! You'll attract monsters if you keep that up!”
I started into a neat little spin dance thing, my willpower to fend off the urge had broken down to nothing. I began to dance one more, you know generic human dances. The horse was getting frustrated, and instead of emotional support she just abused me instead. Heartless thing. When I got close enough she actually tripped me, then jumped onto my back.
"Get a hold of yourself! Quiet down that racket! Push on! Push on! Sleep when you're dead!"
I grudgingly got up, picking up the not so light horse. I sighed, parting a bush slightly to move through it. Instead I found a chicken, yes you heard right, a chicken. Just its head stuck out from the intense under growth.
“Hey Lucy, I found a chicken.” Not a big deal just a little cock.
“DON'T LOOK IT IN THE EYES!!” She fucking screamed in my ear, freaking me out slightly. Was this chicken territorial?
“Why? Its just a chicken.”
I think Lucy had spooked it or something, it began to wail, and do weird chicken noises. Then it jumped out of the bush, revealing its true form.
“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST”
You know that feeling when you see a really big spider? And the scream that follows? I wold have won competitions for best girl scream.
The little bastard was part dragon-snake, had a tiny pair of wings, and regular chicken legs sticking out of a huge scaly tail.
“Run you fool!!”
I took off through the dense foliage, the cockatrice was hot on my heels, its angry wails getting closer and closer.
“What the fuck is that thing!”
“It's a cockatrice! It turns things into stone if they look it in the eyes!”
With the fat horse weighing me down the cockatrice had no problem catching up to us. It snaked under my legs, tripping me up sending me flying forward into the dense foliage. Lucy rolled over to my side, fear in her eyes as the cockatrice moved in for the kill. Lucy tried to get up, but fell back down with a grunt, and a rather displeased look on her face.
“At least its not predator..”
The cockatrice's eyes glared red as it lunged towards us, then suddenly out of the foliage came a figure wearing a dark hooded robe. Screams and howls erupted from the new contender, sending the cockatrice into a panic. It fluttered it's wings taking off into a panicked run, disappearing into the under growth. Lucy sighed in relief, addressing the mysterious hooded horse walking in the distance.
"Zecora! I had that! I would have defeated it!" she said rather resolutely.
"Cockatrice are easily startled, be not fooled by their withdrawal. For they will return in time, overwhelming numbers to face yours and mine.” She rhymed with a real thick African accent, while slowly taking off her hood, revealing her face. She was a Zebra, interestingly enough, her cloaked still hid the rest of her body rather well.
"Thanks for saving us Ben Kenobi." These horses are really good at giving "The fuck" faces, this zebra was no exception. Zebra are horses, shut the fuck up.
“My name is not Ben you see, nor a Jedi named Kenobi. My name is Zecora from a land to the south, not one from a universe where battles end in doubts.”
How the fuck does she even know what a Jedi is??
And apparently the Zebra wasn't phased by my existence, it gave me hope that maybe she has seen other humans. Or she just doesn't give a shit. Lucy seemed pissed off at my remark though, and decided to comment on it because shes a bitch.
"Just because somepony looks different doesn't mean you should come to conclusions about them. You rude little ape"
Who the fuck is she to call me rude? She's abused me physically and mentally all day.
"Says the one that has been rude all day" I did the most mature thing I could think of. I stuck my tongue out at her.
"That isn't my fault."
"Is too"
"Is not!"
The other horse woman, Zecora Kenobi, decide it was best to break us apart with her mythical rhymes. Apparently she was quite eager to return home. Not that I blame her, this place sucks.
"Hurry we should, to my home we go. Cure for poison I have you know.”
Spooky
I followed the scary Zebra through the dark woods. With my bundle of joy firmly on my back. It wasn't an overly long walk to Zecora's home, and we talked little on the way by the suggestion of Zecora.
I've never been to Africa, so I'm no expert, but holy fuck this house screamed stereotypical African witch doctor. It was a hollowed out tree of some sort, the area around it had lanterns and scary shit.
When we walked into her quaint abode, we were assaulted with a sweet aroma, and her interior decoration taste. Weird masks, herbs, and other kinds of plants decorated the walls, and a fuck massive cauldron sat in the middle of the hut, with a strange green liquid bubbling inside. I shit you not.
“Nice pad you have here. I'm assuming you are brewing some super “cure all” in your witches caldron?”
The Zebra gave a light chuckle, smiling at me. “You are mistaken in what you presume, my cauldron does not brew anything of which you fume. It just ties the place together in a way, I believe the Neighponese call it Feng Shui .”
“Excellent choice! Nothing like a big boiling cauldron in a weird tree hut in the middle of a swamp to paint the oh so perfect witch doctor feel.”
“You speak in mysteries like those from song, but I'll take your words as positive ones.”
I'm going to skip all the small talk for this one. Shocking. It was just us talking about her weird nick nacks, and shrunken heads. That was a lie but it would have been awesome if she had them. Eventually the two horses forgot about me and conversed together as Zecora brewed up some potion or some shit to cure us. She did give us both a vial of elixir, which Lucy immediately downed, and I just shrugged drinking the vial of neat looking green liquid. Not that I really needed it, I could dance on cue now, it was like a super power. Apparently the usually cure for poison joke is a bath of some sort, but Zecora being a bad ass Jedi gave her the ability to make a revolutionary potion.
Zecora also gave Lucy a potion for her leg, and bandaged it up while she was at it. Lucy felt a lot better apparently, as she could now walk without assistance. With that finished they wandered to the back of the hut leaving me alone with all this cool shit. Don't they know better not to leave a human with mysterious horse things? Probably not.
I instantly went to pick up a neat little mask, I really wanted to try it on, be all spooky and shit. Just before I placed it on my face, Zecora magically appeared beside me. She scared the shit out of me, I screamed rather sharply and of course girly. This day is just full of screams.
“That mask is no joke, so I have been told, wearing it would surely send you to another world.”
“That thing would have killed me??”
“No, it’s just a mask, but put it down, it’s not for your task..”
Haha, what a funny Zebra. Anyways, they went back to talking about potions, and girl stuff. I stayed where I was, listening in on their conversations.
Lucy was talking about her supposedly “Special Talent” with flowers and shit, and also something about her ass mark, not her what they called a “Cutiemark”, but her birthmark the one that read “Flower”. They also seemed concerned with why I was here, not in Zecora's home, but here in their world. Yes it was another world, not predators freaky hunting world, but a different world, in a land they called “Equestria.” Fuck my life. Anyways, I thought it might have been relevant to speak up at that moment, show them something I was kinda proud of. Staying optimistic and shit.
"I was born with an ass mark too!" With that I undid my belt, lowering my pants exposing my white ass cheek, and there in brown lettering the birth mark spelled "Shoppe".
"I never knew what it meant. I looked it up in the dictionary, it was there, but it gave no meaning to why it was on my ass."
Zecora and Lucy stared at the sudden exposed flesh. Lucy's eyes widened, and Zecora faltered. Zecora regained her composer first, speaking out in her African rhymes.
"Your mark tells no lies, the simple truth shall be clear, if only you two would dare to bump your rears.”
Lucy shook her head snapping out of her stupor.
"Wow. Nice butt.”
"Shush, the crazy shaman is right, touch butts with me."
Zecora looked kinda hurt with what I said but did not comment. Maybe I should be more considerate of zebra feelings. Especially to a zebra with mystical voodoo powers.
"But what if I don't want to touch butts!"
“Stop being a baby.”
Lucy gave off a rather audible sigh and a rather annoyed response.
"Fine, do it. I'm ready."
I shuffled over to Lucy, pressing my left ass cheek to my companions right flank.
"Flower Shoppe"
The crazy shaman lady began to lay down some sick rhymes as she stared at the finished product of our sleuthing skills. I felt like Nancy Drew to be honest.
"Behold your true destiny born and molded with you.”
“So our true destiny is a flower shoppe? I always wanted to be an astronaut though.”
Lucy seemed delighted, her face lightening up so sweet and cutely.
“That's a perfect idea, we'll start a flower shop! Your talent to resist magic, and my talent in all things flowers could really work well together! You could have a life here...” She paused and her eyes opened wide in realization.
“Oh my sweet Celestia, I haven't asked your name!”
Zecora chuckled and I just rolled my eyes.
“You were too busy calling me rude names. But I forgive you, It looks like I'll be here for a while, and I don't really mind, not much for me in my world. This will be one hell of an adventure to be sure, a world full of monsters and talking ponies, it could have been worse. My name is Alastar, by the way. Alex for short if ya want.”
“I am reeaalllyy sorry for that, but now I can repay you! Come Alex!” With that she picked up her saddle bags tossing them onto her back, walking towards the only door in the massive tree. Fire Hazard I know. For the second time that day I gave chase to the beige monster horse, and I felt pretty good about it this time, a chance to start over new had presented itself, all because I chased a stranger into some creepy woodland. Such is life.
Lucy opened up the door calling over her shoulder, thanking Zecora for everything, again. Zecora nodded and smiled, giving me a wink as I walked out the door.
Whoa, did I just get hit on by a horse?
Nah.
DESTINY HAD STRUCK! A MIGHTY FRIENDSHIP WAS BORN! Our heroes set off on their magnificent quest, a journey that would test their might, courage, and above all, their patience... Many dangers lie ahead, challenges fit for the gods, and the worst of all, the pink one.
With their first quest finished they set out to forge their destiny!
Not that we had any, though we were spurred on by ass marks, and monsters, so maybe we'll get quests! I'll be so happy.